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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 4
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, September 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But I am largely the wrong guy to ask questions like this, because I'm a firm believer that most WW's never change, never fix themselves...they just lose their opportunity when they're busted or the OM walks away and are thereafter terrified of being branded a slut by everyone they know for having more than one affair.

Im in that club to.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
tputer
♂ Member
Member # 11353
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, September 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stillpondering, something to consider: 1995 was a long time ago. The person your wife was then no longer exists. I'm sure she's done a lot of maturing since then. I know that concept can be hard to come to grips with - it was for me. But it really is the truth. We sure aren't the guys we were 14 years ago.

I have accepted the fact that I was married to a very damaged person who was in a self destructive spiral all those years ago (My FWW's last fling was also in 1995). The difference between the petulent, irresponsible party girl she was back then and the very responsible, hard working wife/parent/professional she is today is remarkable.

Given the amount of time that has passed, I think this is something you must factor in. JMHO.

[This message edited by tputer at 1:11 PM, September 3rd (Thursday)]


Me FBH/WS: 48
FWW/BW (JP12861): 48
Married 25 years
Kids: 2 DD's 24, 20
My DDay: 7/16/06
Hers: 4/5/10

Posts: 20518 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: San Diego Area
resigned
♂ Member
Member # 12903
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, September 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SP- You're still in the early stages of digesting the evil reality of what happened. It was what it was and as much as we try, the reality of what they did remains.

It's a day to day thing. Try to look at who she is now. Realize the A was a fantasy and her head was twisted on backwards when she viewed everything you did through a negative prism and everything he did through a positive one to justify her actions to herself. Whatever she thought back then was fucked up because she was living in fantasyland.

Is she doing the things you need from her to help you to survive? If so, give it time and the pain will lessen (a little).


Posts: 453 | Registered: Dec 2006
LeftHanging51
♂ Member
Member # 13826
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, September 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Figured I'd chime in with what's been going on. It's been a few months since I've posted.

Quick background: Merried August 2005, second marriage for both. D-day #1 was late February 2007 when I learned of W's affair, which dated back to at least August 2006. I stayed with her after D-day #1, only to have experienced several D-days after that, culminating the middle of October 2007 when I moved out and found my own apartment.

After I moved out (she moved to another apartment as well), we continued a relationship, attending MC and IC. I spent a lot of time on the fence debating whether or not to divorce her and put the whole thing to rest. Sometime in December 2008 we agreed that she'd move back in with me and we'd give things another chance. I felt that I should give her another chance, and if it didn't work out, at least I could say I tried.

She moved in with me March 1, 2009, so we were separated a total of 16 months.

This past July 4 weekend I learned that despite her assurances to be, she remained in contact with the OM and was seeing him behind my back. I immediately decided that she and I were finished, and I started a divorce action.

When she moved into my apartment (a 1-bedroom), it was agreed that I'd continue to pay the rent, etc., as i was doing all along, and she'd save some money so that when my lease expired, we'd move to a larger place. Needless to say, I'm staying right where I am.

Here's the problem i've been living with....she won't leave!! In the state where I live, if the husband and wife are living together when the divorce starts, you need a court order to remove a spouse from the property. A hearing on that issue is scheduled for next week.

So, bottom line is I took her back, but nothing changed. Maybe I was a fool for thinking she would want to change her behavior. My heart was in the right place. Now I'm focusing on getting her out of my life.

You guys have given me tremendous support since I first signed onto SI in March 2007. I've taken comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one going through this shit.


D-Day #1: 2/07
D-Day #2, #3, #4,....too many to count
Me (BS): 54
WW: 57
Married 8/05 (2d marriage for both)
Divorced Feb. 2011

Posts: 161 | Registered: Mar 2007
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, September 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH51..

Welcome back... (unfortunately)

Looks to me that you need to go to the full court press to get the court order...

Another thing you could do is see if the landlord would lease you another apartment in the same complex and cancel the lease on the one you're in now...

If they'd do that for you, you could bargain with a longer lease ect....

The great surprise would be that one day she comes home, your stuff is gone and the landlord has a notice posted that she has 24 hours to vacate the premises... Done deal...

Just an idea!

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, September 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO great idea, wondering.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Stillpondering
♂ Member
Member # 23600
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, September 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After hearing LH51's situation, my problem seems kind of trivial....

But in response to resigned's question... yes, fortunately she is doing the things for the most part to show me she is sorry. We have by no means had a perfect relationship since 1995. For a long time my wife was an emotional sponge - couldn't deal with stress at work, needed lots of emotional affirmation. Back about the time this ended with the OM she also got fired from her job which also helped facilitate her never seeing him again as they met at conferences. She got very depressed and I thought it had to do with the firing - spent all this time reassuring her about her worth, etc. Little did I know at least some part of her depression was related to the affair and it ending. I do believe she felt tremendous guilt after it ended and knowing her I do believe she felt some twinge of guilt while it was going on but it was almost like this guy was the second coming of a god and whatever validation he was giving her (excitement, mirroring back to her how desireable as a person she was) outweighed any guilt.

The pain has dulled over the past 8 months. I'm just concerned that when triggers pop up - I recently found out I have to go to a conference and its going to be at the very same hotel where she was in bed with this guy when she was 7 months pregnant - those feelings flare up again.

Thanks for the support.

By the way, I've read a lot of stories on here - really tough ones and I really feel for the male or female BS who is enduring that pain. But I have never heard of a guy who pursues a woman he knows is pregnant - for me (and not just because it happened to me) its one of the most disturbing images I can imagine - I just can't imagine what type of sick guy (short of a rapist, pedo, etc) would get his jollies from that... Not to mention his complete narcicism (spelling) given his professed feelings which were obviously only for himself as he put a pregnant woman in the position of losing everything (if I'd found out back then) and then "dumped" her.

[This message edited by Stillpondering at 2:44 PM, September 3rd (Thursday)]


Posts: 77 | Registered: Apr 2009
tputer
♂ Member
Member # 11353
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, September 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stillpondering, nobody's story is trivial here. I agree with you: that was one very disturbed pup. Disgusting.


Me FBH/WS: 48
FWW/BW (JP12861): 48
Married 25 years
Kids: 2 DD's 24, 20
My DDay: 7/16/06
Hers: 4/5/10

Posts: 20518 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: San Diego Area
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, September 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I was one of the guys nailing Jesus to the cross in a former lifetime.

Pilot!!! Is that you???

It's me, Judas!!

SP, welcome.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, September 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From my amateur psychologist armchair, I'd suggest that the reason he targeted a pregnant woman...and then essentially dumped her after she was no longer pregnant...had lots more to do with personal issues about family and domesticity (wanting them and fearing them at the same time) than it did with your actual wife as an individual.

In all likelihood, from his perspective, the most important thing about her was that she was pregnant. Once that was no longer true, he was no longer interested.

Not a great deal to hang your self-esteem on there if I'm in your wife's shoes.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, September 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor i am in the same club. Ex got caught. She would not fix her problem(sexually abused as a 5yr old). Divorced me as fast as she could. I just wonder about that karma thing too? What did i do to deserve this? Maybe I too was one of the guys with the nails 2000 years ago.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, September 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

shyguy and others. By the sound of it there was a VERY LARGE crowd that day.

On a serious note. I really dont believe in this Karma Bus thing. From what Ive seen most of the time good people get shit on while bad people are rewarded.

Sometimes I wish I had it in me to be a ass hat and get rich on the backs of others. Then screw around and have the time of my life. Then when the W finds out do the R thing and get a better M out of the deal. The problem is that I just cant make myself do that shit. Sometimes I wish I could though.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
toonice
♂ Member
Member # 19862
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, September 4th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, but when I retire, I'm going to spend all my time staking out parking lots of cheap hotels in the afternoons, taking photos, and learning the identities of those I catch - and notifying their BS's.

I'm going to get myself a cape too.


Stronger than reason, stronger than lies, the only truth I know, is the look in your eyes.
BH(42) FWW(41; 8+ OM/OW, 5 year LTA)
M: 16yrs, 2 kids DS16, DD13. d-day 6/17/2008 (after 9 months of MC+gaslighting).

Posts: 4898 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: CA
tputer
♂ Member
Member # 11353
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, September 4th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to get myself a cape too.

Don't forget the mask


Me FBH/WS: 48
FWW/BW (JP12861): 48
Married 25 years
Kids: 2 DD's 24, 20
My DDay: 7/16/06
Hers: 4/5/10

Posts: 20518 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: San Diego Area
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, September 4th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stillpondering,

My wife's A started when she was pregnant. In the OM's mind, I was going to go away, and he was going to take my place so he'd have an instant family. He was 25 while my wife was 36. I don't know wtf he was thinking


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35366 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, September 8th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gentlemen, I welcome all of you to opening week 2009, of the NFL!!!!!!

Fucking A!!!!!!!


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, September 8th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did anyone catch the commercial during the Miami-FSU game on Monday night with Troy Polamalu talking about how great Head & Shoulders made his hair look?

Talk about uncomfortable. Troy clearly needs Peyton Manning's agent for picking commercials.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
ForwardProgress?
♂ Member
Member # 24759
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, September 8th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amen, Jimi40.

I love football season. Even little-kid football is great. Bring it on!!!!

I missed the commercial, WAL. Have to watch for it now. Sometimes those things are painful... You know the guy is asking himself how he got into this shit??? Answer: the money is great.


Posts: 242 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: SW, USA
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, September 8th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Found the commercial here:

http://mondesishouse.blogspot.com/2009/09/troy-polamalus-head-and-shoulders.html

ETA: It's even worse the second time when you know what's coming.

[This message edited by wincing_at_light at 8:04 AM, September 8th (Tuesday)]


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
ForwardProgress?
♂ Member
Member # 24759
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, September 8th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yea, the 2d time is even better. You know he's gonna get some stuff in the locker room for that. His anwer - check out the new ride in my parking space. So STFU.

Posts: 242 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: SW, USA
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