Sorry that all of this is on you, if she is receptive to work on these isue then there is promise possible, but it is a very hard road.
I don't mean to say never date someone who was SAB. Its just a personal choice for me. I can only talk from my own personal experience.
I guess for me I see the error in myself; I liked being chased, I liked being the object to someones desire. So for me I overlooked stuff that in later life I have knowledge of. By the time there were chinks in their armor, I was already in love with them. I guess I was past the point of really listening to my gut. I didn't know them really well enough because their was a whole nother layer hidden from me. Not talked about in a box in the back of their minds. When the right set of circumstances happen they slip into the box. Could be an argument to a passing glance from the opposite sex. The yo-yo weight didn't bother me near as much as the moods that went with it. All I ever really wanted was them to be actually was the people that I feel in love with. Instead they really were who they always had been, ya just didn't get to see the other side of the coin till it was too late.
My IC told me the problem I have with the whole situation is I get into "fix it" mode. Like ding theres a problem, I must fix it. Its all on my shoulders to suck it up and carry on, make it work. Instead of being able to voice my problems in the relationship, which I know in those relationships would lead to confrontation. I was so busy in not wanting to rock the boat, that I isolated myself from my own feelings.
One of the strengths I have now is saying no more. I now understand myself better. I stick to my boundaries of what is acceptable in a relationship. I had to relearn what a healthy normal relationship is.
Neither way is going to be easy, should you stay or should you go. Especially with children involved, makes the decision that much harder. But in my mind I think it best for my children that I wasn't in an unhealthy relationship.
3 years ago I joined this site. Writing that first JFO post, the day I got that email, sitting at my shop. It went from normal to devastated. Confronted with the double life she was living, to making the choice. To a bitter divorce where I found out she was pregnant and didn't know who the father was. A drawn out custody battle, that it was my XWW sole purpose was to make sure I'm punished, by using my son as collateral. Because she was mad at me. Mad because instead of taking any ownership of her own actions, just point the blame at me. I had to stop engaging her in any way, keep it all business.
But at the end of the day now. It simply doesn't matter. I really don't care anymore about it. I just don't really the need to visit it on the emotional level. Its life, your gunna have some of that.
Like you I didn't really notice this too much until the time came when we were forced to have to deal with some very emotional issues and she just couldn't do it. I really mean she literally COULDN'T.
Because of this I feel like I have hung on longer than I probably should have. I feel sorry for her that she was abused and how it obviously screwed up her head. I went through stages where I even felt guilty because after all she is just a child in a woman's body and I felt like I was abandoning her. It's taken me a long time to reconcile all of this. It really does complicate things for sure. We are getting divorced. But, about once I week I still get a fleeting thought that maybe I should go home and try and work it out. But, then I realize that I would be doing all of the work and I would never be happy. Boy, is this tuff.
"True nobility isn't about being better than any one else. It's about being better than you used to be." -Wayne Dyer
[This message edited by caretoomuch at 9:17 AM, March 6th (Saturday)]
TT's post is me.
My wrong in this was enjoying myself physically and ignoring the psychic/emotional/spiritual toll. Dday hit-almost 3 yrs. ago too - and since then, I've had to do my best to make sense of things, and boy have I become different!
I want to believe better, stronger...
I understand more than I ever imagined could exist about seriously messed up, personality-disordered people.
Got a raw spot that starts to ache when I encounter such now, it's opposite now - it's a "RUN!" signal, whereas before it was....'hmmm, interesting, maybe I can help this'
No. No. and No. No canna do, boyo!
I think the damage involves them walling off a part of themselves that gets ossified. They really do not know how to feel, and they become experts...
(I'm telling myself that, right? After all, I don't want to go around thinking I was bamboozled by a mere amateur!)
... but they become experts at ACTING appropriately in situations...they only know what sadness looks like in others, so they mimic that.
The only real crying sadness she exhibited had to do with her not getting her way. Mainly, the only real emotion they exhibit is anger, frustration...other than the yuk-it-up shallow partier.
I'd say a good rule would be to look for how self is referenced, as opposed to others. Is there real understanding? Empathy? Shame for past wrongs?
I can't imagine the strength alot of you have, bending, bending, bending - trying to fix this.
I can't. It broke me.
Now, although I'm all bent, I'm pretty sure I'm still pointing the right way.
May you have peace brothers!
Just could never shake the idea that if he had wanted more she would have left me for him. She, of course, told me she would never have left me. Who knows. I still felt like I was her second choice.
The question is can u accept that. I couldn't. Some people can.
I had this response to the affair as well. It wasn't till xWW hinted of SAB that I know it was over. I'm a Sp. Ed. Teacher and see so much of this in my students. It was then I knew I was "helpless" in the situation.
I as well have made this a deal breaker for the future dating as well. I should have realized what she was hinting about when she told me she lost her virginity @ 11.
but i cant help think there isnt something to be said about moving in where everything is already in working order.
I mean after all.. then you can get to concentrate on actually enjoying things... as fun as fixing the plumbing is... a bbq on the deck is better.
[This message edited by SourCherryDrops at 8:13 AM, March 10th (Wednesday)]
For 23 years I have been, faithful, devoted. I have bottled up my temptations, opportunities and fantasies. WHY.
Do I have more self control them WW, or did I take our vows seriously.
run far far away my friend...
Keep the high ground... If you want to have ONS's get divorced first...
I agree with wb about getting a D before looking for a ONS. I know its tempting. Like we are missing out - and there is no reward for the high road - and the low road gets all the perks.
But for the brief fun of a ONS you would stir up a shit storm of epic proportions. Not worth it IMHO.
Only M 8 months and no kids or pets.
Run man. Run like the fucking wind. You WW have shown you what she is all about. LEARN FROM IT. Run. Find some one else. Some one better. Some one that will respect you.
Some one you can trust.
I will say this, I'm only 7 months out from Dday and 3 from my dvorce, but I do know that is no way I wanted to start a marriage. Seriously, not even a honeymoon phase? Jump right into this? Thats just now way to start...
Think of how you felt when you found out. Hopefully your WW felt guilty about what she did.
If you had a few ONS imagine the pain and guilt you would feel inside. Could you honestly hide that for the rest of your life. It may feel good during the hunt and the act, but the aftermath would likely drive you nuts.
I think most of us have asked ourselves that very same question.
Id reckomend waiting until after the D...then you can go wild for a while...get your mojo back... or if D is a long drawn out process where you live ...then wait until you are at least fully seperated...
These days instead of thinking that i deserve to have a few ONS myself i think that i deserve to have some of that excitment...that passion, that my wife exhibited with her OM during the A's...
we used to have sex in tha back of the car...in the changing rooms... during a walk in the forest.... but over the last few years if i suggested or even hinted at something like that ...all i got was rolled eyes...
If she had put the same effort into me as she did OM then I wouldnt be here....
Our current plan is for me to wait while she does IC, and then we will do MC.
Am I fooling myself?
So does anyone think that it is possible to reconcile with a survivor of childhood sexual abuse?
anything is possible.
Likely? dunno about that.