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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 4
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, March 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So does anyone think that it is possible to reconcile with a survivor of childhood sexual abuse?

That depends on what you consider reconciling.

I consider us reconciling, though I don't fully trust my DW, don't have the amount of sex I want, and have accepted that I'll have to be the overfunctioning partner for the forseeable future.

It's almost like she's a kid, and I have to teach her basic things like boundaries.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, March 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Until the SAb is resolved in individual therapy IMHO and only mine no.

Ever watch Dexter? It is their dark passenger ...


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
resigned
♂ Member
Member # 12903
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, March 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jsn-I've read some of your other posts. I feel your pain. I've been where you are and it sucks.

My advice is to stop looking to your FWW to help you. She isn't capable. Look only to yourself for help. Help yourself.

Hoping that your FWW will exhibit empathy is futile. She just, quite simply, is not capable. It's not there. Never was. You just never needed it before like you do now.

If she is getting proper IC for the SAb then IMO I think R is possible. I've seen it happen to members here on SI.

But she has to deal with the SAb before she can help you. And that takes a long time. And it's dependent on the quality of the counselor and your FWW following through with it.


Posts: 453 | Registered: Dec 2006
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, March 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My friends, this is a battle I deal with every day. I sure wish there was an easy answer. I do agree that it all dependent upon how one defines the word, and what one is willing to tolerate.

I know that trust is always a kind of issue. Not a huge one, but yet one like a cancer, it creeps in and plays on your mind. If I look closely I can mostly see where it is simply a fear of such plying its way through. But there is always that little doubt.

I can deal mostly with the need for validation and the need to encourage. But I find that I too have a like need, most times left unfilled.

I know that the lack of sex is difficult. The whole A thing really distroyed any confidence I had, and the continual games in that arena have made life very miserable. I really am at a loss of how to manage it, for this is also a source thoughts of distrust.

I have been at this for many years now, 4 since the PA, and the years of EA prior. Yet i am still here, and I do struggle, but I also don't really see me anywhere else. Not sure how it will be after the kids. And I don't know how it would be if I ever regain me.

I feel for you guys, I admire those that found the courage to walk, yet I also know it is not an easy path. I think we all have our paths, the dynamics vary alot.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, March 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For 23 years I have been, faithful, devoted. I have bottled up my temptations, opportunities and fantasies. WHY.

Because you value yourself! I'm single been Divorced for 2 years now. I still won't entertain the idea of a ONS. It's not because I would hurt anyone, it would hurt myself. I have a higher moral standard for myself to just go out having random sex.

The whole reason our WW/XWW's did step out of the M, wasn't because of us. It was because of themselves. They simply didn't feel good about themselves, add in the need for external validation, plus a willing participant, an affair is born.

Often times we as the BH are faced to look at ourselves just racking our brains trying to understand why they cheated. The bottom line is for women that have been SAB victims, they have a short circuit for sex. They have a need to revictimize themselves, because this was their introduction to sex at an early age. They don't even think about the BH, its not even in their mindset. They are going off the more basic set of this feels good, I deserve this, I have been keeping secrets my whole life. Because the damage done so long ago is still effecting their decision making process.

The statistics of SAB in adults, and the later life mental problems, just become worse, untreated. The road from being a victim and becoming a survivor of SAB is a basic total mental reboot. It takes years of therapy, a LOT of hard work to unprogram the damage done. They have relearn a healthy coping mechanisms, and thought process.

Overall, going through this process after infidelity, is a daunting task. Because the BH is not at their strongest, nor in the proper mindset to deal with a WW going through years of IC. Its a long road filled with many pitfalls, and no guarantee of success.

I'm not saying its impossible, just its a path that is very taxing on both. It requires total dedication of both, with it your stuck in a forever holding pattern at best. At worst your heading toward a death spiral...


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, March 12th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Overall, going through this process after infidelity, is a daunting task. Because the BH is not at their strongest, nor in the proper mindset to deal with a WW going through years of IC. Its a long road filled with many pitfalls, and no guarantee of success.


damn TT-sure wish I had run far far away from this one.

but i had no idea until after 2 kids came along-now she gets to fuck them up w/her craziness moreso if I leave.

damn


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, March 12th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the fact is that you can reconcile with a SAb. After all, you were more or less successfully married to a SAb for x number of years before D-day. You didn't think about divorcing her then because she'd been abused. SAb didn't make her cheat.

But as others have suggested, unless she's in IC getting a handle on those issues, her empathy for you and her ability to do the sorts of things that will assist in your healing are greatly diminished. My wife is also bipolar, and we were getting her treatment/meds for that right after D-day.

It was hard. It was all on my own. It was all defensiveness and anger and blameshifting...for a long time. By the time it wasn't, I had given up expecting anything.

But you want to know something? As much as I enjoy the fact that we're really coming together and doing well now, part of me is glad that I had to do it on my own. It would have been a thorn in my soul for the rest of my life if I'd succumbed to the whole "the person who did this to me healed me" mindset. For my own self-esteem and self-respect, I needed to do it on my own. I needed to do it in spite of her, in fact.

That was me and my personality dynamic, though. I needed her to be an adversary so I could overcome it myself rather than my healer.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, March 12th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read that SAB can be helped thru IC. Mine refused to go to IC for her SAB issues. She went to IC for other reasons.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, March 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i'm so pathetic

I love my maid!

Well?? At lest itís someone I can trust!


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, March 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

her ability to do the sorts of things that will assist in your healing are greatly diminished.

n that's putting it mildly!


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, March 18th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, any of you guys have an X who is self-employed, to whom you pay CS? If so, how on earth do you verify their income?


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
oscar
♂ New Member
Member # 27958
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, March 20th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so, this is the first time ever posting on anything,,,not sure where this will go. I have been trying to get over my wife's A for about 25 years now. Sometimes it seems ok, then, something triggers my screwed up mind again, maybe a few times a week. My problem isn't lack of sex,lack of support from my wife, she has tried really hard to make things up. it's lack of any confidence, my W regrets all she put me through(I put myself through). But really it is all in my head now. I was at a doctor last week, talking about anxiety, I thought I was having a heart attack cause my wife was staying in the same hotel in DC as one of her previous boyfriends,,,, but that was 25 years ago,,, the guy is 70 now. I said I had no lack of trust, I didn't think for a moment something might happen,,, it just felt like a sword in my heart though, I have no idea why,,,,,, not trust, I know it's in my head. I know the guy was much better in bed,,, my wife said " I could only imagine what it would be like to make love for an hour and a half",,, he has/had a much bigger penis,,oh and,,, well the list goes on and on,,, but that was so long ago. Why am I still devastated if there is no threat?

Posts: 5 | Registered: Mar 2010
wwashington
♂ Member
Member # 27595
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, March 20th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oscar,

Remember WSs lie a lot.

It sounds to me like she has inflected 25 years of emotional abuse on you.

Start IC immediately and consider a separation.


Posts: 146 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Orlando
oscar
♂ New Member
Member # 27958
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, March 20th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, Of course all those things were said 25 years ago,,,but I've replayed them in my head many times, and they are not lies.There have been regrets about saying them, but I suspect one had to justify the As. I/we went for counseling many times, and finally one guy said I had PTSD,,, prescribed prozac, I was on that for a a number of months then decided i didn't want to be on drugs,,, and quit. Less confidence,more fear of being on my own, though kids are grown now, youngest is 23. But it is all in my head,,, wont it still be in my head regardless of who I'm with or where I am?
btw, thanks for the thoughts,

Posts: 5 | Registered: Mar 2010
oscar
♂ New Member
Member # 27958
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, March 21st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

can I post a reply to my reply?
After thinking about this last night and lying in bed this morning, I realize that it's the thought of them having fun together is what is killing my ego,,, it doesn't have to be sex. My wife, SIL, the OM,and his wife all went to DC for an award for my deceased MIL, who was a WASP in WWII. So I found out they were all staying at the same hotel, had made dinner plans, bla bla,,, and I went crazy, actually shut down, didn't talk to her for two days. She defended herself in putting it on me,, asking if I thought something was going to happen, if I thought she would sneak out with him. But It really wasn't that, and I don't think I'm so crazy now. Rabid yes,,, unforgiving ,yes, but I can see why now. It is my f-in ego,,,,, I'm not proud of that, but I can understand my response to all this better.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Mar 2010
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, March 21st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oscar,

Any contact, or even a situation of possible contact, with the other man, especially outside of your presence, is incredibly insensitive. One of the mantras here at SI is that for the betrayed spouse to be able to heal, and for the marriage to survive, there must be *absolutely* no contact, EVER. The thought of our spouse being in close proximity to the person they cheated with, even if it happened years ago, is horrid to any of us.

What she is doing is insensitive and cruel. It's a betrayal for her to even have a good social time with him. She knows how much she hurt you in the past. She should know that this would cause you pain. She should KNOW that. What she is doing is just plain wrong, and that should be very, very obvious to her.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 8:49 PM, March 21st (Sunday)]


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, March 21st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife, SIL, the OM,and his wife all went to DC for an award for my deceased MIL, who was a WASP in WWII. So I found out they were all staying at the same hotel, had made dinner plans, bla bla,,, and I went crazy, actually shut down, didn't talk to her for two days. She defended herself in putting it on me,

Pfft. Your poor, dead MIL must be so proud that her daughter is attending a ceremony in her honor with the man she betrayed her husband with.

Talk about a contrast of character...

One day, when your wife starts to own her shit and come to grips with what she's done, incidents like this will be a dagger in her heart. She betrayed her mother's memory with dishonor, and that's something *she's* going to have to live with for the rest of her life.

Sometimes I wonder how these cowards live with themselves.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
oscar
♂ New Member
Member # 27958
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, March 21st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks for the thoughts,
"The thought of our spouse being in close proximity to the person they cheated with, even if it happened years ago, is horrid to any of us." for any of us,,,, it is a very comforting thing,knowing someone understands. I sighed when I read that, it is not just me.
As for my inlaws, they both knew about the A,,, my wife actually went to their house to make private calls because she thought I might get suspicious,,, I hardly knew what an A was! The OM and his wife are(not my MIL of course now), but were best friends,,,,it was a few years into counseling until one counselor told my wife she shouldn't attend family gatherings if the OM was going to be there. Imagine that,,, and I thought I was screwed up, by not getting over it. Where were you folks years ago?
I felt as though if I didn't deal with issues they would get bigger,,,, but some issues, I think will never go away, will they?

Posts: 5 | Registered: Mar 2010
SourCherryDrops
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Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 5:14 AM, March 22nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oscar,

I dont think things will ever go back to how they were before the A's... I will never ever have that blind trust again, not with anyone. But that in of itself isnt necessarily bad.

Do you think your W ever showed real remorse for her actions? Did she change how she behaved after you found out. Has she addressed the reasons within her that alllowed her to have the A in the first place. Has she tried to decieve you or betray you again since then...

From your posts it sounds like your really strugling with trusting her.

Note Im not making any assumptions about wether she deserves the trust or your justified in not being able to trust her at the moment.

I think if trust is still an issue for you then you should be able to talk to her about how her going to this ceremony where the OM will be makes you feel.

She should care enough about you to try and work out some sort of solution that helps you allay those fears. Be it having you come with after all... or being transparent about where she is while she is there and accounting for her time.

Sadly enough, folks like us, like you, were mostly struggling to deal with this on their own years ago...at least now we're able to reach out for support. As long as you remember that few of us are professionals and that our advice comes tainted with the effects of our own situations... then there is a wealth of knowledge, support, and encouragement here on SI.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, March 22nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The selfishness can live post affair.

My wife herself has stop acted out but shit like you describe says even after all this time her thinking is like this.

It is not my intention to make you feel bad so it is your fault you do NOT mine even though my actions made you feel as such.

Get my drift. She still has no capability to think about you from your point of view or this NEVER would have happened.

Good luck ... she needs IC and maybe some tougher love from you.

Do not let this slide.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
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