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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 4
drowninginsorrow
♀ Member
Member # 4545
Red  Posted: 9:21 AM, September 8th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gentlemen, let's keep this thread on topic please...

if you'd like to discus football please head over to OT or f and g


Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.- Matt Groening
"I've found the secret to life. I'm ok when everything is not ok"- Tori Amos lyrics

Posts: 56712 | Registered: Jun 2004 | From: canuckistan
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, September 8th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry DIS, just bringing some good old fashioned testosterone, back into our lives!!!

[This message edited by Jimi40 at 12:52 PM, September 8th (Tuesday)]


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
ForwardProgress?
♂ Member
Member # 24759
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, September 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, DIS. I'll behave.

Posts: 242 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: SW, USA
ForwardProgress?
♂ Member
Member # 24759
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, September 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To get back on topic, I saw this thread resurrected in General the other day.

For the benefit of those that have yet to read it:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=291258

WAL's start is usual work for him - dead on. Lots of good follow up also.

This is pertinent to most any Betrayed Man.


Posts: 242 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: SW, USA
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, September 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is pertinent to most any Betrayed Man.

I bumped it forward for that very reason!

-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9144 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
INeedaBandAid
♂ Member
Member # 24869
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, September 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's hard on men because normally we are the ones who's supposed to be out and banging chicks, screwing around and ruining families.

Something about that innocence that disappears once you find out that it's your wife yanno??? I kiss her and I often find myself looking the other way. She definitely notices and I know it's hard on her as well.

Even though we are reconciling, it's very tough at times especially when certain days roll through.


Posts: 286 | Registered: Jul 2009
pointmagnet
♂ Member
Member # 16565
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, September 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I kiss her and I often find myself looking the other way

Wow, that is just how I am.

I wonder why????

In all seriousness, I am the one having a hard time letting go of the past. The WW's OM has moved on and married some ugly slut, and yet I still can't get past the thought of my wife being with this dude.

Oh well. :(


Me (BS): 53
Her (WW): 51
Married: A long time
Children: Three of them
D-Day: 10/07/07; 12/15/12
Status: Done

Posts: 469 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: USA
resigned
♂ Member
Member # 12903
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, September 13th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't seem to get past it either. The thing I don't get from my FWW is compassion or empathy. She never takes the innitiative to inquire about how I'm doing or to comfort me if she suspects I'm triggering.
I've told her many times I need her to broach the topic. She refuses to do it.

This seems to me to be a relatively minor thing, but at the end of the day, I wonder if the absence of these things is what prevents me from healing.

Damn these human emotions. I wish I was Spock.


Posts: 453 | Registered: Dec 2006
lingerdog
♂ Member
Member # 24459
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, September 13th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've had this thought to start bothering me this evening. One thing that has made me hold out a hope that my WW will come back is that the OM since she is so much younger than him, I figure he is used to running this game, get a young woman use her for a while and then move on to another young woman, and I figure this is what will happen with her and the fog will lift then if it hasn't at that point.

But the thought I keep having is what if he has decided okay, it's finally time for me to settle down, and he doesn't cast her to the wayside. Her little fantasy world sticks as it is.

I know two years from now she'll have the same complaints about him, that she claimed were causing troubles between us because it is her that needs fixing, but by then it will be too late for me.

It's just a thought that I wanted to get out of my mind so that it maybe won't bother me so much. Thanks for listening guys.


What lies behind us & what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Oliver Wendell Holmes -Stolen from Uni's page

Posts: 8921 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Awesomeville
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, September 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

linger...

The fog, in essence, is self delusion. It doesn't prescribe to conditions, or apply only to infidelity, or magically "lift" as if it were a virus that were cured. For a person to stop self deluding they have to want to deal constructively with reality.

She's making a choice, friend - none of this was forced upon her. And she isn't under some sort of foreign influence... you have to be sane to know which lies to tell yourself. How her choice works out is inconsequential - it's the choice itself that matters. Whether or not it works out with the OM, she still chose him over her integrity and in full face of the wake of devastation she created.

She may change and become a better person. She may not. But that is hers choice to make - you can't project yourself onto her. You can only do your part.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
jollum
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Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, September 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if this is where I post or not. My WW and I are trying R. Just found out about another BIG omission in her "telling of everything". Just really frustrated and depressed. Tired of being controlled with half truths and lies. She doesn't seem to get it when I tell her that she is not protecting my feelings by hiding anything. Any suggestions on how to get her to understand?

Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, September 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

resigned wrote
The thing I don't get from my FWW is compassion or empathy. She never takes the innitiative to inquire about how I'm doing or to comfort me if she suspects I'm triggering.

The most important thing we need from our WS is empathy. Unfortunately this is the most difficult thing for many to give.

The failure on they part to see the consequences of they actions. And to feel the pain of others they have hurt is what allows them to do this in the first place. Allot if not all WS are narcisistic to some degree.

I've told her many times I need her to broach the topic. She refuses to do it.

Right there with you on this one.

For some burying the A and not talking about it denies that it ever happened. They are able to forget supposedly. They think if it is not talked about it is all better now. But WE are all torn up inside. And this will NEVER heal if it is not talked about.

I hate that my WW will NEVER bring her A up in convo on her own. Its always me. Then she makes me feel bad by saying she never thinks about it unless I bring it up. And that the only reason I bring her A up in convo is to make her feel bad.

This seems to me to be a relatively minor thing, but at the end of the day, I wonder if the absence of these things is what prevents me from healing.

You hit the nail on the head there.
Damn these human emotions. I wish I was Spock.

Dont we all brother.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3068 | Registered: Sep 2007
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, September 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jollum,

Sent you a PM. Do you think you have the story now?


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35297 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, September 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jollum wrote
Tired of being controlled with half truths and lies.

This is exactly what she is doing. If she controls the info she controls YOU.

Getting it all his hard thou. Like how do we know what we dont know?

Have you tried sitting you WW down and just telling her that you need ALL the info of her A. ALL OF IT. If she does not give it then you are done. Then do the 180.

As long as things are unknown to you. As long as she is keeping secrets the A is still going on. She is protecting and cherishing the A memory and telling you would ruin that. She is putting the A and her memory of it over you. She is controlling you decisions by controlling what info you have to make decisions by.

IMHO you must put you food down and demand answers.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3068 | Registered: Sep 2007
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, September 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jollum, I may get a smack down for this, but my take is different;

I have made peace with never knowing the whole truth. I don't believe I do, and I don't believe I ever will. She has to live with that if she wants to R.

When you first started dating your wife, did you ask her all the details of her past lovers??

Think of R as starting all over, it helps me, a little.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
jollum
♂ Member
Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, September 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jimi40,

We actually did confess all of our past before getting married. We were both virgins and up until now had only ever been with each other.

I'm glad for you if you don't need to know. I need to know for R to happen. I need to FEEL everyday like there is nothing she is hiding. Otherwise I can't fool myself into believing that she really wants to R.
Thanks for your take on this.

jollum


Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, September 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife has now had more sex partners since we got married than I have in my whole life, so I don't think that works for me, either.

Nice thought, though, Jimi.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, September 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some personality types need more details than others. Regardless we all deserve to get what we need.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3068 | Registered: Sep 2007
resigned
♂ Member
Member # 12903
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, September 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the response to my post Razor. It validated my feelings. I do feel like a wimp in feeling the need for compassion and empathy from my FWW.

The funny thing is, looking back over the marriage, I never had it. But for whatever reason although I was aware of it, it wasn't a big deal to me. Now the lack of it just makes me feel alone.

In regard to details, my FWW was a master of trickle truth. The net effect of that for me is I can never believe she has told me everything. So, like WAL has previously posted, I filled in my own details based upon how 2 selfish people would behave in a P affair. Not a flattering picture of my FWW, but it completed the picture I needed to complete.

lingerdog-sorry your situation sucks so badly. Having been here a few years and also knowing people IRL, it seems to me that it's next to impossible to R in your situation even if she does come back. There's way too much damage. I think the true R's occur when the WS does everything right from d-day forward. I hope things improve for you.

WAL- I don't know how you do it. Personal strength, the kids and a strong support group I guess. You put up with a lot of cluelessness from your FWW. Your posts are a joy to read.

Is it me or are the women on SI more forgiving than the men? It seems like many of them tolerate living with some real assholes.


Posts: 453 | Registered: Dec 2006
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, September 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it me or are the women on SI more forgiving than the men? It seems like many of them tolerate living with some real assholes.


Edited because there were way too many generalizations in my post for it to be fair.

You can PM me if you want to know what I said.

I will say this: When I worked in addictions treatment, one of the rules of thumb the counselors and psychiatrists used was "With women, take whatever amount they say they used, double it, and then you're probably halfway to the truth."

In addictions scenarios, women are much more likely to minimize the truth about shameful/un-ladylike behaviors than men, and more trouble owning how their own behavior patterns contribute to the cycle of addiction than men do.

I think that pattern is awfully illustrative of how BH/WW reconciliation dynamics tend to work out, in everything from honesty & transparency to addressing the root causes of the infidelity. And ultimately, why so many BH/WW scenarios ultimately fail.

[This message edited by wincing_at_light at 11:07 PM, September 14th (Monday)]


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
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