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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 4
shockedandstuned
♂ Member
Member # 27153
Default  Posted: 5:04 AM, April 16th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I was warned and not just by SI friends only. I just wanted to believe after 18 years together they would of at least stayed neutral. Its like people warning you not to marry someone, you say, you just dont know her she is not like that and when it happens its still a surprise.
I must say my BIL is still on my side 100 percent and actually has stopped talking to WW and from what I gather the MIL and FAL as he cannot believe they would back her. Note BIL is a past BS so I do not see his support wavering.
I guess I knew it was coming but just did not want to admit it.


There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded.So I moved out and moved on and I am happier for it.

BS (me) 47
WW 40
1 son 11
D Day 23 Dec 09
Admitted to Affair 17 Jan 10
April 08 told her I want a Divorce
June 2010 Moved


Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
toby
♂ Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 5:12 AM, April 16th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shocked,
It is what it is...right? Don't sweat it. You still have your son and thats all that matters.

p.s. Why are you up so early?


Posts: 1493 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
roadscholar
Member
Member # 23276
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, April 16th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UnthinkablePain & Jasper....good to see you guys here on this thread.

I've got 50/50 custody of my boys. I live in Denmark, and that's the norm here. WW moved out to a place two blocks away, so our situation with the boys is working out real well.
I play music for a living, so I work at night. During the weeks the boys are with WW, I pick them up from school 2 or 3 times during the week and they come home to me for a couple of hours.
I feel very fortunate, especially when I read on here about guys that only get to see their kids every other weekend.


Me-BH, 45
Her-XWW, 40
2 boys- 11 & 14
D-Day- 2-14-09
Several attempts at R, all of which failed.
Divorce final on 11/23/10
"Life's Been Good To Me So Far..." Joe Walsh

Posts: 182 | Registered: Mar 2009
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, April 16th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I stayed in the M for the sake of me boys. I didnt want them raised by some OM. If he had laid hands on them - well I probably would be in prison. I also didnt want to give up half of all I worked for AND pay alimony and CS for 3 Sons. So I stayed in the M and made do.

Now me boys are grown men. And now I am looking at D finally. Just trying to figure how I can split me retirement assets by half and still live. I suppose when I finally file D papers I will get made to the bad guy. Probably even by me Sons.

Like many BH here I never got remorse. No empathy. I DID get blame and lies tho.

I am just sick of it tho. I could stay and be comfortably numb. But actually. Even tho I am no spring chicken and finding another woman to share me life with is very doubtful. I owe it to me sanity to D and get out of this M. Even if I spend the rest of me life alone I will be sane and healthy at least.

WW had lots of chances to fix the M. I did all I could. I even gave her what amounted to a road map with what I needed her to do. She would do parts of it. Not all of it. Like with transparency. She give me all her passwords to her (several) email accounts. But then later I would find she opened new ones I didnt know of. So getting passwords for accounts was kinda like playing whack-a-mole at the carnival. No contact with OM I think. Just sort of a passive-aggressive *fuck you buster* to me.

So D isnt a good option. But some times we are left with no good choices. It is then that we must finally choose a path that while it may not make us happy it will at the least keep us sane.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3084 | Registered: Sep 2007
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, April 16th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I envy you razor, you are at the end of a long, long, road-I got about 14 yrs before my youngest is 18.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, April 16th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

64.

You know its sad to.

I look back at what could have been. We had a pretty good M. Not great. Not perfect by any stretch. But we enjoyed each other - we still do actually. We have the same world view. We complement each other well. It could have been saved. But I could not do it allone.

Now I think it was in a large extent her pride that broke us in the end. She could not make her self *go there*. Where she needed to go within her self to find empathy and remorse that would have healed us. To go to that place she would have to admit that she was wrong and that it was NOT my fault.

So as I prepare for D. (and it will be some long time coming due to financial things) I feel sad. It could have been saved. We could have been healed. I was willing. But her pride destroyed us in the end.

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3084 | Registered: Sep 2007
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, April 16th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you Razor-I think back to how it once was, seems like maybe it could be somewhat close again, but its not happening. Too much water under the bridge, & she has too much pride to admit to me what actually happened.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
shockedandstuned
♂ Member
Member # 27153
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, April 16th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor and 64, you are far better men than I. I tried to stay for my son but I cannot. I am lucky if I can hold out till June. Was on the phone with my divorce and bancruptcy attorney, I am on track but still a long way to go. Thanks for the support guys.


There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded.So I moved out and moved on and I am happier for it.

BS (me) 47
WW 40
1 son 11
D Day 23 Dec 09
Admitted to Affair 17 Jan 10
April 08 told her I want a Divorce
June 2010 Moved


Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, April 16th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

shocked.

I dont think there is a *better* in this mess. I look back on all the years of me life that have been lost. More than half me M. Then think that if I had D right off that by now I may have found a new Missus Razor and be happy with me life. So oftimes I think that things would be better had I D straight away after Dday.

Some times we are left with NO good choices in this life.

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3084 | Registered: Sep 2007
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, April 16th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I harped on this in another thread. But the sex thing?

My WW is out fucking her new OM and I am home with the kid but I have to wait for D? I know it isn't healthy for me to start a relationship but WTF? D takes a really long time, doesn't it?


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
shockedandstuned
♂ Member
Member # 27153
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, April 16th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jasper,

Did we marry the same woman. I am still living in the house with WW until June when my 10 year old son gets done school, I do not want his studying to suffer. She told me tonight she is going out tomorrow evening with a bunch of male co workers and one happens to be OM. I said ok, its not like I can stop you. She says, you cant, I can do anyone, at anytime anywhere and there is not a f-ing thing you can do about it.
Jesus, why cant I have this attitude, I feel I need to wait till the D as well and she is dragging her heels. And why not she does what she wants and I am miserable. I am really starting to hate my WW.


There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded.So I moved out and moved on and I am happier for it.

BS (me) 47
WW 40
1 son 11
D Day 23 Dec 09
Admitted to Affair 17 Jan 10
April 08 told her I want a Divorce
June 2010 Moved


Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, April 17th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shocked, your situation sounds unbearable. I'm sorry. You are obviously a good dad, and it sucks that your WW is taking that attitude. Is she trying to make it difficult for you there so you can leave sooner? I'm bracing myself for the fallout that will come after I meet with the lawyer. My guess is WW will start to lash out in a big way.

Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
shockedandstuned
♂ Member
Member # 27153
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, April 17th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think she is trying to get me out sooner, and I will oblige as soon as she signs the paperwork for the divorce I will leave. I have been working at getting the apartment ready in case I need to leave sooner.


There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded.So I moved out and moved on and I am happier for it.

BS (me) 47
WW 40
1 son 11
D Day 23 Dec 09
Admitted to Affair 17 Jan 10
April 08 told her I want a Divorce
June 2010 Moved


Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
Finallyawake
♂ Member
Member # 21554
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, April 17th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All,

I have been gone from the site for a while. Divorced just over a year ago and I cannot believe how much has changed. Most all of it for the better.

I had the same BS you are experiencing. No remorse. She found the love of her life. Never mind that he was married. She said many cruel things to me towards the end mostly because she was convinced she was headed for a better life.

Guess what?

Her love of her lifetime dumped her one month after our divorce.

She found out that living on less money is really hard and she is running out of savings to cover her excessive lifestyle.

She desperately now wants to be friends.

What a joke. I have really moved on and I guess the point of my note is that you WILL look back a year after your D and see yourself in a different light. You WILL feel better. I have my kids 50/50 and she is constantly dropping them off on her weeks because she has so much going on. So I get to see them even more! All good.

The process of D was brutal but the day it was done and she moved out was the start of a new life. It took time but every day got a little better. RIght now my boys are in the family room just waiting to go to a soccer game and tonight we are meeting friends for dinner. And I am happy because all the energy I used to waste on her and our marriage is now focused on me and my boys. So we are all getting better and better.

Just try and stay strong. It does get better once you get that mess out of your life. Because if they don't exhibit remorse, apologize over and over, and work their ass off to fix your marriage they aren't worth your time and energy.


On my own and a better man for it

Posts: 458 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Phoenix
shockedandstuned
♂ Member
Member # 27153
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, April 17th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Finallyawake,

Thanks for the words of encouragement, I can really use them right now. She is currently out with OM and a group of guys. I am going out to play cards.


There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded.So I moved out and moved on and I am happier for it.

BS (me) 47
WW 40
1 son 11
D Day 23 Dec 09
Admitted to Affair 17 Jan 10
April 08 told her I want a Divorce
June 2010 Moved


Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, April 17th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. Finallyawake, your post gives me a lot of hope. Great to hear such a positive outcome from someone further down the road I'm on.

Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
Finallyawake
♂ Member
Member # 21554
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, April 18th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SAT and Jasper,

I cannot emphasize how much I hated the whole process of getting to a D. The constant lying when she was going out to meet her OP. Just completely not there. Playing her little set of love songs she created for her OP on the stereo through her ipod. (something she did for me with cassette tapes when we met).

I did not think I was going to make it and also felt like crying all the time.

A year later I still have moments of anger but they are typically short lived and don't happen much anymore. She is broken and that is her burden to bear now.

When I say she wants to be friends it is with the same attitude like nothing happened, right? No thanks.

It's kind of funny to me to write like this because 14 months ago when we were finalizing our divorce I never thought I would see the sun again. And when I read other posts from people saying things would get better I didn't believe it. I could not get my arms around it.

But it has and all I see ahead of me is more days where I am back more often to being the guy I used to me.

Good luck. I will be thinking positive thoughts for the both of you.


On my own and a better man for it

Posts: 458 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Phoenix
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, April 19th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is sad.

I cannot believe how many are in for the kids etc.

I am scared absolutely HORRIFIED of D and becoming a weekend dad when I am the primary care giver everynight as my wife works.

I went through 6 months of major and over a year of minor BS.

As far as I know my wife is not cheating and lying but the rest.

She is the same broken individual that cares only about herself and will hurt somebody without thinking about it.

Their are no good choices in this UNLESS you know you wll get full custody in which case I say RUN LIKE HELL.

I just cannot stop thinking about the moments I have had since d-day and to take half of them (if I was lucky) and toss them away.

Would have my DD said "Daddy you are the best daddy and I love you" had I left.

My appreciation of those moments make me stay and a small small ficlker of maybe something better.

But that flame has about sputtered and now you are left with the worse choice possible.

Get away from a woman who has issues who hurt me but have kids 100% in lofe.

Leave not get the constant tension and abuse that I get and always wondering what my children are up to.

No winners only losers in this.

To those that divorced and got 50/50 or more custody I am jealous and admire your courage to take the D step.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
shockedandstuned
♂ Member
Member # 27153
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, April 19th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hang in there I understand your pain, I felt the same way but decided as much as I love my son I needed to love me more by ending it. She was pretending to care and try and I could not go on any longer. She acts like she is the victim since I told her I want a D and has really been a pain in the ass.
Good luck to you, you are stronger than I, you are able to hang in there for the children and put your needs aside, my hats off to you.


There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded.So I moved out and moved on and I am happier for it.

BS (me) 47
WW 40
1 son 11
D Day 23 Dec 09
Admitted to Affair 17 Jan 10
April 08 told her I want a Divorce
June 2010 Moved


Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, April 19th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm terrified about D, but there are no longer any options for me. My DD is already reacting to the fact that WW doesn't sleep here anymore, and that the WW and I are almost never in the same place at the same time. We've been making lame excuses for the time being, and I'm trying to meet with a child psychologist this week to get help with how the hell you speak to a 4 year old about this. I can't imagine how she will react when we tell her. I hear kids are resilient and get over it. I just never dreamed that my little girl would grow up as an only child from a broken home.

Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
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