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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 4
shockedandstuned
♂ Member
Member # 27153
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, April 19th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jasper,

I know exactly how you feel, I have yet to tell my 10 year old, I am waiting till June so his school will not suffer.
I know he will be crushed, and I can only hope he will recover quickly. He is the only reason I have not moved out or pushed harder for the D to move faster.
I feel for you and wish you well.


There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded.So I moved out and moved on and I am happier for it.

BS (me) 47
WW 40
1 son 11
D Day 23 Dec 09
Admitted to Affair 17 Jan 10
April 08 told her I want a Divorce
June 2010 Moved


Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, April 20th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To be honest I think the only thing you can do is not give a fuck, focus on you, and see what happens.

Develop your life outside of the marriage and either they earn their way back in or you have a life and you can decide if staying is worth it.

Thois has been the hardest period in my life and I cannot wallow any longer.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, April 20th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost Cause, I agree with you, except for my DD. If it weren't for her, this would have been so resolved last week. I would have had some grieving days and then gone out binge drinking with friends and found a new place for myself in Hoboken.

As it is, I can't just think about myself. WW and I are always an "us." My DD is my life and everything else takes a backseat.

So, I'm plotting binge drinking weekends with friends around their own family and custody schedules. What a mid-life crisis situation. I never thought I'd find myself here.

I just don't want to turn into the cheesy guy. I grew up in the late 80s/early 90s and had a few friends in high school who had dads with earrings, wore flannels, knew about the grunge movement and liked to discuss it. I'm afraid of being an embarrassing divorced dad. I always though I would age, with my beautiful (apparently unfaithful) wife into old-age coolness and happiness. We had so much going for us.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, April 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When the shit hit the fan you found ad likely always had appreciation for all you had. You Jasper made HUGE sacrifices to keep life together while not getting your core needs met in the M.

Your wife appears to lack appreciation and often they either stay diluted or have an epiphany when D nears or years later.

That is not your issue.

And much like you I may be M but am not really R at all my dream with a bow tie on it was destroyed.

But I have new dreams now and they do involved a SO but my biggest dreams now involve me and my children.

You can have a new dreams of life.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
shockedandstuned
♂ Member
Member # 27153
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, April 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jasper,

This is exactly how I feel, I also grew up in the 80's and I do not want to be that guy, like on SNL (Steve Martin) "Just two wild and crazy guys", lol.
I never in my worst nightmares did I ever envision winding up here, on my way to D. I just keep wondering if I am in a coma and having bad nightmares and will awaken to find everything is ok and I am just in the hospital.
I have so much stress going right now I can barely function, I just want her to sign the agreement so we can file the D. She is being difficult.


There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded.So I moved out and moved on and I am happier for it.

BS (me) 47
WW 40
1 son 11
D Day 23 Dec 09
Admitted to Affair 17 Jan 10
April 08 told her I want a Divorce
June 2010 Moved


Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
Just Crushed
♂ Member
Member # 24852
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, April 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys...just chirpn' in.

To be honest I think the only thing you can do is not give a fuck, focus on you, and see what happens.
Develop your life outside of the marriage and either they earn their way back in or you have a life and you can decide if staying is worth it.
This is exactly where I'm at. I feel much better about me and I able to focus more on my job and kids and me. I live with a usually pleasant roomate (WW).

Just try and stay strong. It does get better once you get that mess out of your life. Because if they don't exhibit remorse, apologize over and over, and work their ass off to fix your marriage they aren't worth your time and energy.
I'm just wondering how much more energy and time I can dedicate to this process. As you can see from my above message, I've redirected my energies from R to kids, job and me.

As many can attest here on SI, I've been having a VERY hard time letting go of WW b/c she does just enough to keep me around. No remorse or apologies...just sweeping it under the rug and trying to improve M.

The question that I have not been able to answer is..."is this enough for me?" meh

ETA: "Just two wild and crazy guys", lol.....yep, funny and yes, I'm 80s product too

jasper: I've been reading your story....hang in there brother.

[This message edited by Just Crushed at 3:44 PM, April 21st (Wednesday)]


BH
*details in Profile*

Posts: 843 | Registered: Jul 2009
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, April 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

damn, we are old-1980 was 30 yrs ago. how did my life get so fucked up?
what is it about 40 that you get screwed over by your wife?

I'm right there w/ya guys-I don't give a rat's ass about anything, except my kids.

I put zero effort into this M, just like she did during the As. Pisses her off too! Bonus!

A while back she got mad at me for not cleaning up the trash the dog strung all over the kitchen-it was all my fault because I no longer take out the trash, not hers for leaving the damn dog inside 10 hrs while we were @work. I always leave the toilet seat up now too, & have taught my boy to do same.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, April 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys. This is a crap place to be, but I love hearing the different perspectives. The more I hear, the more I know I am headed in the right direction, no matter how terrible D seems.

I've thought I should be trying harder to get my WW back, but I realize that too much pressure from me would result in a totally false R. She's made it clear she doesn't want me anymore, so I just have to move on, and fast.

Silver lining is my amazing DD, who I wouldn't have without the WW. I know the years weren't lost. They were mostly good, and now it's just time to move on. Next chapter.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, April 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read so much misery in these posts. I *so* get it, the fear of losing time and contact with what's most dear to your heart: your children.

But are your fears founded? Would you really get so little custody that you'd stop being an integral part of your child's life? Wouldn't the time you have with your kids be *so* much better if you were free of your poisonous marriage?

If you're looking at the one night a week, every other weekend sort of situation, I'm right there with you: completely unacceptable. But aren't times changing? Aren't fathers getting more custody these days?

What do your lawyers say about custody?

Personally, I'm going to get absolutely cremated financially. My state is just insane that way. But so be it. I have to get out or I'll end up in the psych ward.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 11:21 PM, April 21st (Wednesday)]


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
shockedandstuned
♂ Member
Member # 27153
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, April 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am fighting for 50/50 so who knows. Financially I am loosing everything and will be forced to file bankruptcy once the divorce is final just so I can survive.


There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded.So I moved out and moved on and I am happier for it.

BS (me) 47
WW 40
1 son 11
D Day 23 Dec 09
Admitted to Affair 17 Jan 10
April 08 told her I want a Divorce
June 2010 Moved


Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, April 22nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe I'll get 50/50, which is the norm where I live. I'm hoping I'll be the custodial parent as well, but we'll see about that. Financially, I'm fighting to save my house, but I am going to get killed. I doubt I can keep the house, and it's likely it will end up where my DD ends up living in 2 shitholes with 2 broke parents. As hard as I've worked and as much as I wanted for my daughter it is heartbreaking. My WW and supposed lover and best friend for nearly 15 years has done this to us. Still so hard to comprehend.

Is it difficult to get 50/50? I have a number of things going for me, but I'm starting to get worried.

What a disaster.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
shockedandstuned
♂ Member
Member # 27153
Default  Posted: 5:05 AM, April 22nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jasper,

I feel your pain, mine is an utter disaster. Its like the light just came on for WW on just how much debt we have. She has never listen to me since we were married on not spending money. I admit I spend as well but not like her. She has a problem, well I gave her the list of bills she is responsible for and her happy go lucky attitude came to a screeching halt.


There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded.So I moved out and moved on and I am happier for it.

BS (me) 47
WW 40
1 son 11
D Day 23 Dec 09
Admitted to Affair 17 Jan 10
April 08 told her I want a Divorce
June 2010 Moved


Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
944man
♂ Member
Member # 22077
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, April 23rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to give you guys some encouragement. I have 3 kids 20, 14, 8. 20 is in college, 14 lives with me, 8 with her mom. Kids are stronger than we give them credit for. It's hard at first but gets better with time.

I've been moved on for a while, i can tell you it gets better than you would imagine.

Some positives: Single life isn't so bad. You can do what you want without any lip , you don't have to go shopping or watch a dumb girly movie anymore, you don't have to put up with the little things about her that irritated you. Freedom is underated, trust me. At first i couldn't wait to find someone else. I've dated several women over the last couple of years and it's been mostly fun. There are plenty of women out there, you won't be alone if you don't want to be.

Just wanted you all to know that life's not over if you D. Far from that truth that is. There is much to look forward too and experience.


43 and loving it

Posts: 2320 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: US
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, April 23rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks 944man-your post shows there is hope.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
shockedandstuned
♂ Member
Member # 27153
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, April 23rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah, a ray of sunshine to this otherwise dreary section. I hope I find peace and happiness myself, I am tired of the stress, and the heartache caused by the wife. Thanks all for your words of wisdom, they do help.


There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded.So I moved out and moved on and I am happier for it.

BS (me) 47
WW 40
1 son 11
D Day 23 Dec 09
Admitted to Affair 17 Jan 10
April 08 told her I want a Divorce
June 2010 Moved


Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, April 23rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree whole heartedly with 944... I was with the ex for 18 years and now have been on my own for the last three...

I no longer have to deal with her issues and have my own friends and schedule... There are plenty of wonderful women out there so if you do want another partner in life they're out there...

The biggest thing I think we do is have fear of the unknown... The unknown isn't dark or bleak, it's more like a new fresh day and a new clean slate...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
Just Crushed
♂ Member
Member # 24852
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, April 23rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thx Bull and 944 for your perspectives. Good to know there's life after D

Yes, the dark of the unknown for a mind-fucked BH can be debilitating at times. Fear...of spending less time w/ the kids, fear of kids being negatively affect by D, fear of being alone, fear of being financially fucked. We, however, cannot let fear run our lives forever. With the help of SI and my RL friends, I get stronger everyday.

Be good


BH
*details in Profile*

Posts: 843 | Registered: Jul 2009
944man
♂ Member
Member # 22077
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, April 23rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand exactly where some of you guys are coming from. I still worry about it affecting the kids, and i still do. I think it's the hardest on my youngest daughter. My oldest daughter is about grown and has her own life. My middle son lives with me, hey, he's a guy, he's adjusted well.

That first step and few months are the hardest. I just had to refinance my truck to make ends meet. It's definately harder with only one income, saving money is pretty hard.

I just decided for me it was time to leave. It's scary at first because i was married 18 years. Now i'm at peace. I'm pretty independant anyway so not having a wife around all the time doesn't bother me.

Now just always contemplating the future and what i will do. Sure, i'd love to be married again one day, just not right now. I'm finding it good to cherish my freedom. Being able to head down to the coast and fish whenever i want, stay as long as i want. Play more golf than i used too, and yes i've pulled a drinking binge or two along the way. Hey, i didn't have to worry about coming home to anyone so why not

On the ladies front i can say most women are similar, no doubt. I dated a great lady originally from Peru for 4 months but it didn't work out in the end. I've been out with 6 or 7 different women and i'm no George Clooney. Haven't really found one i want to get too serious with yet but you never know.

One thing i'm contemplating is retiring early, i'm 45. I'm thinking about 52 or so. Maybe moving overseas somewhere and trying something new for a while. Equador, Costa Rica, Philippines, something like that where the cost of living is lower, and the ladies would appreciate me more I know, call me crazy. Just thinking about it really.

I wanted to share some of this with you guys to show you no matter how bad it is now, no matter how muddied your mind is, that you will have dreams and goals again. Hang in there guys!


43 and loving it

Posts: 2320 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: US
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, April 23rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

944 If I could recommend a great place it would be Costa Rica.... The people there are wonderful and the cost of living is a lot cheaper... I go there a couple of times a year...


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, April 23rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

guys, my Dad lives in Cairo-his rent/utilities cost him $100 a month. Dinner & boat ride down the Nile for 2-$15...

You can't retire here, but in other places, you can afford to retire.

Dad lives like a king on his retirement overseas. I so wanna go live there...I've thought hard about disappearing to there many times, no CS, no WW-over there they stone your ass for adultery...women must cover their heads & walk behind the man...


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
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