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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 4
Lotsa
♂ Member
Member # 28078
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, April 24th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am having a moment!!! My WW had a PA with her boss not that long ago - the result of which caused him to lose his job. I found out some 2-3 months after the last incident (that caused OM to lose his job) and not through WW confessing, but essentially that gut feeling.

On DDay I told WW that there was to be NC and made her send OM an e-mail emphasising NC and (more importantly to me) to let him know that I knew what had gone on. At the time however WW had only been TTing and what had initially been only "kissing" was the next day revelaed to be in fact intercourse. So on her NC e-mail to OM she simply told him that I was aware that they had kissed and she wanted NC.

After learning more of what had gone on and posting here on SI, I was convinced that OM's fiancee should be told what had happened. Low and behold my WW tells me that OM's fiancee is expecting their second child and now I am reluctant to break the devastating news to her for fear of how she may react physically and emotionally given she is pregnant.

My initial thought is to say nothing to OM's pregnant fiancee, but to let him know that I know exactly what has gone on (or at least as much as WW has been prepared to tell me to date) and to effectively threaten that at some stage he runs the risk of me telling his fiancee what I know and he will lose more than he already has. I am not committed to R at this stage although my WW seems to be.

I am not sure if my reasoning is sound, or on reflection if I am simply being vengeful, but deep down I hate the fact that he thinks he has "gotten away with it" and I feel as if I will be a complete bastard if I tell his fiancee given she is pregnant even though I am convinced she should know. Any thoughts would be appreciated... N.B. Sorry if I have posted in the wrong forum/thread but I have gained a lot of insight from this particular thread and thought I would seek advice from the relevantly affected!!!


Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2010
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, April 24th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lotsa,

The truth should never be used as a threat. One, it's not the right thing to do. Two, it will give the OM a change to spin the situation in his favor. You know, the old "lotsa is crazy, so don't listen to him thing".

If you tell her, and I beleive you should, it's important to remember that you're not bringing her any pain or hurt her. The OM and you WW took care of that thank you very much. You're just letting her know the truth so she can make her decisions based on reality instead of a lie.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35354 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, April 24th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH5----- Word....

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, April 24th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lotsa, I think you should tell her. It isn't vengeful. She deserves to know.

Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
Neverinamillion
♂ Member
Member # 28155
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, April 24th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A message to the OM BW was the second thing I did after I left him a voicemail telling him I would choke the life out of him if he ever came around my family again. Never even occurred to me that she may have some physical condition that would be aggravated due to this revelation. It was the right thing to do and I would do it again.


Me-35
WW-35
D-Day-Jan 15 2010
Kids: 16,12,10,7

Posts: 67 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Southeast
simpleguy78
♂ Member
Member # 25753
Default  Posted: 2:31 AM, April 25th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

its finally just sank in i married a whore .ill sleep in a storage building if i have to. im getting my life back to hell with this


If i can do it anyone can .My hpd wife was my only friend for 13 years....don't let the fear of being alone ruin your life....people will come ray

Posts: 77 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: memphis,TN
Lotsa
♂ Member
Member # 28078
Default  Posted: 3:01 AM, April 25th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deep down I don't want to contact the OM and realise from reading many posts on SI that it by and large does not achieve anything beneficial.

I guess my concern lies mainly with telling OM's BS given her pregnant status but as wifehad5 wisely says, it's not I who will be causing her any pain or hurt, but OM and WW. Thanks all for the replies.


Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2010
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, April 25th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a thought that is pretty cynical, but it makes me feel pretty good about getting back to myself after D. We spent the first year we were married fighting a lot. We didn't know how to argue with each other yet, so little things turned into big things. We finally learned how to compromise in the way we reacted to things, and discuss things in a way that worked for both of us. But I don't think it ever really worked for both of us. I never felt like I fully got things off my chest, and I don't think she did either. It ended up in years of small little resentments, and I'm sure it has something to do with how I ended up here, about to D.

So now, I'm feeling kind of free. Like I don't have to be stifled anymore, or watch what I say, or worry about how pissed I'm going to make her. And neither does she. Even though 3 weeks ago, I was in love with her still and thought we had a great future together, now I feel like I am suddenly free to be my own man. I know it's going to suck at first, but eventually it's going to be awesome.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, April 25th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

simpleguy,

Right there with you.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, April 25th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm feeling kind of free. Like I don't have to be stifled anymore, or watch what I say, or worry about how pissed I'm going to make her. And neither does she.

Hey Jasper, well said. I am not sure if we are headed to D or R, but I know that feeling you describe. That is why we will not go back to the M we had. We all get better and do better, or it is over.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 8:37 AM, April 25th (Sunday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, April 25th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lotsa, add me to the tell her crowd.

I told OM wife and his adult daughter for good measure. I will admit to some vengeful thinking, but mostly I wanted to expose the A and allow sunlight in.

The OM adult daughter had been involved in the social part of the A often having lunch/dinner with OM and FWW, coming over to the house to visit with FWW only when I was gone, going to the gym together. I was not sure how much she knew, but I wanted to kill off her connection between FWW and OM too.

OM's wife got the email, but never followed up with me. I suspect now that she was aware of his activities and just tolerated them.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
lingerdog
♂ Member
Member # 24459
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, April 25th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I just looked at betrayed men 3, 21 months to fill it up, only 8 for this one.

Guess it's pretty active in here now.

How is everyone lately?


What lies behind us & what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Oliver Wendell Holmes -Stolen from Uni's page

Posts: 8921 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Awesomeville
Honest Intent
♂ Member
Member # 27912
Default  Posted: 11:59 PM, April 25th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jasper the day she walked out the door for the final time I found wonderful freedom.

I havent allowed her back in since. My D should be final this coming month. I havent dated nor would consider it until D is final. But for the first time since I was a young man I notice being noticed.

Its like I have a sign on my chest saying I'm free. I get flirted with alot..before this I didnt even realize I was being flirted with.

Maybe its because women are more alive to me now. I now notice them and have freedom to engage them in a new way.

I think the most difficult thing is to decide the type of women you now want.

My boundries are stronger and I do relate better. It seems men who have gone through what we have are much more sensitive to the needs of women. They sense our sincerity and care.

HI


I accept, I forgive and I free myself to find a new life without the entanglements of the past lurking over my shoulder like a cloud of fear and doubt.

Got up, cleaned off, and moved on!

Engaged at age 58. WOW! What a ride! What a life!


Posts: 280 | Registered: Mar 2010
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 3:18 AM, April 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Its like I have a sign on my chest saying I'm free. I get flirted with alot..before this I didnt even realize I was being flirted with.

Maybe its because women are more alive to me now. I now notice them and have freedom to engage them in a new way.

I think that phenomenon has a lot to do with your own attitude. Previously you were sending the 'im not available' signals. You probably didnt smile back at smiles so often, eye contact kept to a minimium, even the way you walk and talk changes... I think its one of the reasons why a lot of BS's think it will be very hard to find someone new...Because we have been tuned out for so long.

It might take a while till were ready to tune in again, but when we do i think most would be plesantly surprised.

Heck even my dad has a new lady in his life, and he was married to my mom for almost 40 years before she passed away.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, April 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is good to hear these positive words about life after D. I am older than most of you. The other day allot of you guys were talking about growing up in the 80s. This would make you just a bit older (not much) than my kids.

As a older fellow looking at D has been pretty scary. WW and I have been M for over 35 years. It took awhile but for me self I had to get to a place where it didnt matter if I found another W or got M again. Actually now I am thinking that if me situ ends in D that I would actually prefer to stay alone. When I think of M I also think BTDT. To much baggage goes with that. And women are damned expensive. I honestly think I would prefer to travel and see the world than have some woman hanging off me like a leach sucking all the life (and money) out of me.

Lotsa.

OM W discovered the A 2 years before Dday for me. OM convinced he BW that I was a terrible monster that beat me WW regularly (of course not true) and that telling me of the A would cause harm to me WW. So she didnt tell.

What happened then was the A went underground. It continued. For. 2. More. Years.

Had she told it would have ended then. Instead OM twisted and lied and the A continued. 2 more years of lies and deceit and worse betrayals to get over.

So let me add me signature to the list that say to tell OM W of the A. No warning to OM because he will just twist and lie and make you out to be some crazy guy that is jealous for no good reason.

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3084 | Registered: Sep 2007
Just Crushed
♂ Member
Member # 24852
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, April 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm feeling kind of free. Like I don't have to be stifled anymore, or watch what I say, or worry about how pissed I'm going to make her. And neither does she.

Hey Jasper, well said. I am not sure if we are headed to D or R, but I know that feeling you describe. That is why we will not go back to the M we had. We all get better and do better, or it is over.
Yep, better M or D for me


BH
*details in Profile*

Posts: 843 | Registered: Jul 2009
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, April 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor, I hear what you are saying about M. I'm 36, and even though some days I feel old, I know I am fairly young in the grand scheme of things. That said, it's impossible for me to even consider being married again right now. I'm so damaged that I can't even see that as a possibility. I'm sure it will change, but right now I'm starting to look forward to the freedom of being single. I want to enjoy that for a while. I never really had my own life as a grown-up professional person. I went from the sloppy hook-up scene of college, to being shacked up with WW fairly quickly. Never really had my own life. Not that I see anything fun in the whole dating scene (especially online dating), but there is a thrill in the idea of meeting new women. And Honest Intent -- I've experienced the same phenomenon you have. Obviously, I'm not in any position to act on it, but it feels pretty good to be noticed a flirted with.

Feeling pretty hopeful about things.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
Just Crushed
♂ Member
Member # 24852
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, April 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went from the sloppy hook-up scene of college, to being shacked up with WW fairly quickly.
LOL...me too...."sloppy hook-up scene of college"


BH
*details in Profile*

Posts: 843 | Registered: Jul 2009
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, April 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

razor, don't think you are too old-my Dad remarried @61 & is happier than I have ever seen him-he's 72 now, his W is about 5 yrs older than mine


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
shockedandstuned
♂ Member
Member # 27153
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, April 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor you are young at heart.
I am 46 and starting over, huge argument with WW yesterday, I was trying to stay till June for my 10 yoa son sake but she really got under my skin and I told my son we are getting a divorce. WW was trying to tell me I could not take anything from the house it was maritial property. I had been really quiet because I did not want my son to know and she was using this as a weapon to keep me doing what he wanted. Well a man can only eat so much shit before the reasons for eating it in the first place are no longer worth the taste. SO what did I do you ask..... I replied go fuck yourself and I knew she went to a motel with OM the night before so I asked her if the reason she was so brazen was becasue she was full of man juice. I maybe should not of said this but the look was priceless and it felt good to finally speak up.
How is everyone else holding up.


There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded.So I moved out and moved on and I am happier for it.

BS (me) 47
WW 40
1 son 11
D Day 23 Dec 09
Admitted to Affair 17 Jan 10
April 08 told her I want a Divorce
June 2010 Moved


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