I am right there with you. We are attempting to R and have been having some good days, but knowing that it was my H work cell, work computer, work vehicle, that were used to make contact with his OW makes the transparency on his part difficult. Like your husband, mine is also a "detective" and works odd hours doing surveilance. I also know he used his before shift or after shift times to meet up with the OW. Many times, just him being at work is a trigger for me.
Like Allgoodnamesgone said, we have to try to put some trust in being happy with what we do have access to. A friend of mine said we have a choice to face it with Love or with Fear. For now, Im choosing Love.
and stbx was all over the show ... however only 1-2 scenes were with his face ... the rest were him dressed out in riot gear going in to get an unruly inmate ...
doesn't matter I knew who he was ...
and I did not trigger like I thought I would ... and I have it saved on my DVR ... and have only watched it once ... the night it aired ... thought I would be watching it everyday ... but I don't ...
so that is it ... things are still moving along ... the meadiation is set for May 13th ... I will appear by phone/fax ... last time I talked to stbx he asked if I would be coming to CO for the meadiation ??? and where I would be staying if I was ???
WTF ??? no I told him I will be by phone ...
no other news school is good and I am almost done with the first trimester ... 2nd one starts May 3rd ...
I have and hope/trust that there's nothing else out there that's going to undo that.
this is such a true statement ... after all they have taken fromus already and will probably continue to take over the years ...
I am so happy tou are not giving up your hope or trust ... they are such important things to have and keep close to you ...
I struggle with keeping those sometimes ... but I am getting better at it ... slowly ...
How is going having him come home between shifts ??? still good I hope what a nice thing and the right thing for him to do ... I am so happy for you he made that choice ... it was and is the right one ...
I hope your R continues in that direction ...
[This message edited by nolight228 at 7:41 AM, May 27th (Thursday)]
FINALLY!! It looks like we have a fighting chance...
Oh, where are all the other profession threads???
He had an EA/possible PA with his massage therapist, who is also the fiancee of my WH's good LEO friend. I'm afraid if I expose to OW's fiance (my husband's friend) that it could get dangerous. Hell, they must have 50 guns between the two of them!
WH claims he's NC with OW, but she tried to call his work cell last week (he says he didn't answer), and she talked one of WH's fellow officers into saying "hi" to WH for her.
WH has issues with PTSD (serious shooting at his PD a few months ago) and with emotional unavailability (work-related, I think).
How do i ever move past the trust issues? How do I ever trust him when he has a whole bubble of secrecy around him most of the day?
Thanks for any advice!
Together since 1990, married in 1996.
OW--His massage therapist, who is engaged to WH's good friend.
Nolight: my H is on the job & is attending counseling. It can be done - especially if it's marriage counseling. And - if he doubts this - the way I would put it would be "at this point our marriage should be more important to you than any promotion".
As far as losing him - well-to a point I understand... I am very thankful that in the shock that followed the month after I discovered my H's affair that I reacted in an almost desperate attempt to keep him - with lots of "hysterical bonding". In my mind, I kept thinking that I need to compete with ow so he chooses me. And - I am thankful because during the latter part of that month, he was in contact with ow, so I think that if I was angry or detached, etc, it might have turned out differently. BUT - unlike your situation - my husband was talking to me and we were going out for date nights, etc. Point is -even tho he kept in touch with ow (which he hid from me obviously) I was still able to see him trying to work on saving our marriage.
No contact is essential. When I discovered my H broke NC I originally told him it was over - but then after thinking it might be unrealistic to break off a long term affair abruptly I told him to take whatever time he needed to wind things up with ow; however, I made it clear that I would not be attempting to reconcile with him while he sorted it out. We never discussed time deadlines - but I did ask him how long he thought it would take - he said he didn't know and I told him that I would only allow myself to live in limbo for so long and then I would move on because the fastest way to get over him would be for me to find someone new. He called ow and ended it that night.
Just an idea - but, you can't tip-toe around him - it's just unhealthy for you. I'm sorry that he isn't being more supportive - it's hard enough to recover from this with the assistance of your ws - but the choice is his - you can help it along to an extent, but if he's not willing to commit to you exclusively - there's nothing you can do or not do to change that. Sorry- I know it sucks.
Mtnclimber: the secrecy is tough, but honestly - when there's a will there's a way no matter the profession. But in any event - I would just scrutinize his behavior for any changes - changes with you and with himself.
[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 7:29 PM, May 5th (Wednesday)]
This can be hard for a LEO; there is a lot of ego involved. But R can only happen when both parties are commited to it. Good luck.
Trust is difficult to earn but so very easy to lose. It's a gift that should be treasured and guarded.
And - don't fault yourself for not seeing this previously. You trusted her, as you should. I too overlooked a number of red flags because I trusted my H. Hell - had I even checked 1 phone bill over the past 1 1/2 years I would've known what was going on...
Anyway - I wish you luck.
I know I'm running about two weeks late but I am also a LEO and a BH. My story is in my profile if you want to read it. I can't tell you I'm in R... D-day was around 4 months ago.
I can attest that my wife was also an expert liar. After D-day we essentially had an interrogation over the facts of her A. She lied right to my face and made me believe her. Of course it was all lies... the difference is that I WANTED to believe her. That's not the case when we are interrogating a suspect.
I even went so far as to have WW take TWO polygraphs. She failed BOTH! I did get some additional information from her on the first one but the second one she failed and SWORE she was being truthful. I don't buy it for one minute.
As far a trust... I can't help you there. I have zero trust in my WW. I don't believe hardly anything that comes out of her mouth anymore. If it continues... well I suppose we don't have any chance at R. I'm just kind of in limbo right now trying to be patient and observe WW's behavior. I have very definitely lost my sanity... at least in the short term. Sorry I can't be of more help.
Long story short,A&E started filming the swat team. Now he is a celebrity & PO. he would have,raids,search warrants,late arrests a lot. Worked OT all the time Ifelt like I was a single mom. I felt for a while he was cheating. I got in his email & found pics of him with girls, married but dating websites. Around the same time my OBGYN called & said I had Gonorhea WTF.
I was crushed. How could he bring the streets home to his wife? I am already a skinny person but all this stress caused me to lose 20 lbs ended up in the hospital & through all this never any remorse or that he was truly sorry. He said let's just brush it under the rug. Yeah right. I didn't leave him. He left me. We have been divorced for over 2 years now. He has been dating a PO from a different dept for over a year. I don't think he will change. BTW I work at a court & have been for 10yrs & see it all the time with PO's. For some reason they think it is ok?
I can tell you that I am a PO and I do NOT think it is okay. The schedule of the job and the relative freedom of movement at work does give a lot of opportunity to those who DO think it is okay. I think that is most of the problem. Also, stressful situations with members of the opposite sex and the need to trust each other with their lives allows them to get closer than is healthy to maintain proper boundaries. Not that it HAS to happen but those with poor boundaries to begin with are very susceptible in our line of work IMHO.
I HATE the claim so many make that cops cheat more than other professions. I doubt any single profession has been examined more by psychologists, sociologists and anthropologists more than LEO and not a SINGLE survey supports the theory that LEO cheat more than others. Not a SINGLE. However more or less all surveys confirm the divorce rate is higher than most other professions (look at my post near the bottom of page 2 on this thread).
We can play around with that fact:
If the norm divorce rate is 50% and LEO is 55% then it’s clear that if you know 100 non-LEO people and 100 LEO then 50/55 divorce. If the reasons for divorce are the same then about 7% are due to infidelity. So out of 100 marriages 3.5 “normal” marriages are because of infidelity but 3.85 if LEO. Does this read as a “significant” increase in infidelity?
What the surveys don’t show is also quite interesting: is it the LEO or the LEO spouse that has the infidelity that leads to divorce? Considering the gender bend here on SI then here on this single page on this thread we have 3 male LEO with cheating spouses…
IMHO this, along with the acknowledged increase in divorce rates in the military, supports the theory that the unique kind of stress that the unknown in LEO jobs places on marriage affects BOTH partners and therefore can lead to either of them reacting in the wrong way.
Ps. My fiancé was a hairdresser who ran her own saloon. Of the 4 hairdressers working there 3 were in relationships. Of those three then two were cheating. If I were to base on my personal experiences then hairdressers are the ones to watch out for!
Of course you hate the perception about law enforcement and infidelity.
It's unfair to you and to many hard working officers that remain faithful to their spouses.
BTW I always like to take the opportunity to let a po know how grateful I am for what you & many others do on a daily basis. It's truly remarkable - even if it's a boring day & nothing happens, you guys are still there willing to take the risk.
However, you must realize that the people on this thread have lived the reality that have proven the stereotype to be true in our situations, at least. However unfair that generalization is - it applied to us. Every command is different, but my H's command is comprised mostly of single, divorced or men (and a few women) cheating on their spouses with other officers, adas, etc.
Of course, the newly married & younger married couples seem to be fine (I'm too old to be hanging out with them) and I do know some long term relationships that were not affected by infidelity, but that is very much the situation at my H's place of employment.
NOw, of course infidelity is a problem across the board, with many different professions. I think the uniqueness of law enforcement is that the strain of the officers' schedule, work related stress, along with the relative freedom of movement within the job, the ability to have a separate phone in your locker at work, etc. all make remaining transparent difficult. (The latter 2-3 may be applicable to those that are self-employed, I imagine, as well.)
In any event, I know I responded to you once before and was unable to convince you, so I will leave it at this: all stereotypes & generalizations are unfair to significant portions of people in the category. That being said, there are difficulties faced by spouses of law enforcement that I do not believe are faced by others. Of course when there's a will, there's a way and infidelity is present in many occupations, but I just think it goes undetected for longer or more frequently in this kind of occupation, I also happen to know in my experience at least, that it is so common at my H's command that it is not even shocking so there's no real repurcusions that way.
I do think temptation abounds in this profession - there are a lot of social functions with single people and alcohol, etc.
[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 6:58 AM, September 27th (Monday)]