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User Topic: Law Enforcement Officers & Spouses Affected by Infidelity
Allgoodnamesgone
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Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, April 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gaping: I'm sorry :(
It is really hard to not know, but I'm trying to just be happy with what I do know I have and hope/trust that there's nothing else out there that's going to undo that.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
rldawn
♀ New Member
Member # 28065
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, April 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gaping...

I am right there with you. We are attempting to R and have been having some good days, but knowing that it was my H work cell, work computer, work vehicle, that were used to make contact with his OW makes the transparency on his part difficult. Like your husband, mine is also a "detective" and works odd hours doing surveilance. I also know he used his before shift or after shift times to meet up with the OW. Many times, just him being at work is a trigger for me.

Like Allgoodnamesgone said, we have to try to put some trust in being happy with what we do have access to. A friend of mine said we have a choice to face it with Love or with Fear. For now, Im choosing Love.


Posts: 25 | Registered: Mar 2010
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 3:05 AM, April 25th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well I watched the show with stbx in it ... and it was good ... natgeo did a great job on the show ... even tho they kinda just showed one side of the prison system perspective ...

and stbx was all over the show ... however only 1-2 scenes were with his face ... the rest were him dressed out in riot gear going in to get an unruly inmate ...

doesn't matter I knew who he was ...

and I did not trigger like I thought I would ... and I have it saved on my DVR ... and have only watched it once ... the night it aired ... thought I would be watching it everyday ... but I don't ...

so that is it ... things are still moving along ... the meadiation is set for May 13th ... I will appear by phone/fax ... last time I talked to stbx he asked if I would be coming to CO for the meadiation ??? and where I would be staying if I was ???

WTF ??? no I told him I will be by phone ...

no other news school is good and I am almost done with the first trimester ... 2nd one starts May 3rd ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, April 25th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Booger - I'm glad you are moving forward and got through that experience ok. Good luck with the mediation.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 6:07 PM, April 25th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thnx allgood ...

I have and hope/trust that there's nothing else out there that's going to undo that.

this is such a true statement ... after all they have taken fromus already and will probably continue to take over the years ...

I am so happy tou are not giving up your hope or trust ... they are such important things to have and keep close to you ...

I struggle with keeping those sometimes ... but I am getting better at it ... slowly ...

How is going having him come home between shifts ??? still good I hope what a nice thing and the right thing for him to do ... I am so happy for you he made that choice ... it was and is the right one ...

I hope your R continues in that direction ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
nolight228
♀ Member
Member # 28425
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, May 3rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by nolight228 at 7:41 AM, May 27th (Thursday)]


ME - BSO 29
HIM- WSO 34
Together 3yrs, Engaged for 2 yr
D-DAY 4/6/10

FINALLY!! It looks like we have a fighting chance...


Posts: 65 | Registered: May 2010 | From: The Twilight Zone
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, May 3rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nolight - I don't think involving his employers is the way to go.
He has to want nc - if he needs a push to see the right decision - that should come from you by setting your boundaries.
My h & ow both worked in the same precincts - both did things that were improper while on the job - but doing something that would interfere with his livelihood or would hurt him is not the way to win him back.
Give yourself plenty of time - it really does get better with time. Why won't he go nc - can you at least agree to something - like no face to face meetings. Email/texting only (which you can review), etc.? Why doesnt he want to go nc - is he ambivalent about your relationship - does he know that he's going to lose you if he doesnt? More info please - would love to help.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
nolight228
♀ Member
Member # 28425
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, May 3rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood - I don't know what he's feeling about our relationship. He won't talk to me about anything more significant than the weather. He says he can't do NC because OW is claiming she's pregnant and it's his and is threatening an abortion if he does. I'm proud of myself.. I am getting the hang of the 180. I did a pretty good job of holding it together last night. He's using his badge as a way to avoid counseling. He says that it could hurt his chances for promotion since he would have to disclose it to his boss. I can't get him to talk to me but I know he talks to OW.. I am so afraid that if I set firm boundaries that I'll lose him. I know it's nuts but I still love him. I am still in the place where I am afraid to do anything.. for fear of doing the wrong thing..


ME - BSO 29
HIM- WSO 34
Together 3yrs, Engaged for 2 yr
D-DAY 4/6/10

FINALLY!! It looks like we have a fighting chance...


Posts: 65 | Registered: May 2010 | From: The Twilight Zone
twicedestroyed
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Member # 28197
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, May 3rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have only read a handful of the posts in this thread and already see such familiar fears and beliefs. I hope to one day soon be able to sit down and read the whole thread, but for now, I will just chime in with my story
WH was a dedicated, hard working state trooper since starting the academy over 12 years ago. I met him about 6 months into the job...through another trooper (maried) who was trying to date me
I immediately fell in love with his stability, work ethic, compassion, etc. We talked A LOT about all those other cops who cheated or were cheating on their wives and what idiots/scum they were...
Then it was his turn...
Getting promoted off the streets and onto a "desk" job was GREAT, so we thought, but that left a lot of time to chat with the dispatchers...you know how the story goes from here...chatting lead to flirting, lead to meeting outside work, etc. Work computers, work cars, work hours, heck work building all contributed.
Within weeks of D-Day (after all the TTs and the fog lifted) WH asked for a transfer (at my request) to another barrack, which he got. I feel a little better, but there is still so much damage done and suspicion cast.
Much more to say, I'm sure I'll be back...

Oh, where are all the other profession threads???


Me-BS 35
Him-(F)WS 38
DDay 5/09 with TT all month after 7 years of marriage
3 month EA/PA with MOW (co-worker) while I was pregnant and during/after her birth/death
Living children, 4...currently 17 (mine/his step daughter), 8, 6, 3 (product of HB)

Posts: 106 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: East Coast
mtnclimber
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Member # 28026
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, May 5th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,
I'm new to SI, but my D-day was 2 months ago, and I've been doing lots of reading & thinking.
My WH is a detective as well, and between his work car, work laptop, "secret" office (he's in a new position in a federal task force, so I don't even really know where his office is anymore), and his work cell phone, he has his own bubble of secrecy around most of his daily life.

He had an EA/possible PA with his massage therapist, who is also the fiancee of my WH's good LEO friend. I'm afraid if I expose to OW's fiance (my husband's friend) that it could get dangerous. Hell, they must have 50 guns between the two of them!

WH claims he's NC with OW, but she tried to call his work cell last week (he says he didn't answer), and she talked one of WH's fellow officers into saying "hi" to WH for her.

WH has issues with PTSD (serious shooting at his PD a few months ago) and with emotional unavailability (work-related, I think).

How do i ever move past the trust issues? How do I ever trust him when he has a whole bubble of secrecy around him most of the day?

Thanks for any advice!


Me-39
WH-41
2 young daughters, ages 2 and 6.

D-Day 3/1/2010
Together since 1990, married in 1996.
OW--His massage therapist, who is engaged to WH's good friend.


Posts: 5 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Pac NW
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, May 5th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still struggling with trust issues myself, but here's my 2 cents:

Nolight: my H is on the job & is attending counseling. It can be done - especially if it's marriage counseling. And - if he doubts this - the way I would put it would be "at this point our marriage should be more important to you than any promotion".

As far as losing him - well-to a point I understand... I am very thankful that in the shock that followed the month after I discovered my H's affair that I reacted in an almost desperate attempt to keep him - with lots of "hysterical bonding". In my mind, I kept thinking that I need to compete with ow so he chooses me. And - I am thankful because during the latter part of that month, he was in contact with ow, so I think that if I was angry or detached, etc, it might have turned out differently. BUT - unlike your situation - my husband was talking to me and we were going out for date nights, etc. Point is -even tho he kept in touch with ow (which he hid from me obviously) I was still able to see him trying to work on saving our marriage.

No contact is essential. When I discovered my H broke NC I originally told him it was over - but then after thinking it might be unrealistic to break off a long term affair abruptly I told him to take whatever time he needed to wind things up with ow; however, I made it clear that I would not be attempting to reconcile with him while he sorted it out. We never discussed time deadlines - but I did ask him how long he thought it would take - he said he didn't know and I told him that I would only allow myself to live in limbo for so long and then I would move on because the fastest way to get over him would be for me to find someone new. He called ow and ended it that night.

Just an idea - but, you can't tip-toe around him - it's just unhealthy for you. I'm sorry that he isn't being more supportive - it's hard enough to recover from this with the assistance of your ws - but the choice is his - you can help it along to an extent, but if he's not willing to commit to you exclusively - there's nothing you can do or not do to change that. Sorry- I know it sucks.

Mtnclimber: the secrecy is tough, but honestly - when there's a will there's a way no matter the profession. But in any event - I would just scrutinize his behavior for any changes - changes with you and with himself.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 7:29 PM, May 5th (Wednesday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, May 5th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mtnclimber: He says he's in NC with OW--that's good. It's fairly common for a spurned OW to 'fish' for continued contact. However, remember that actions speak louder that words. Just saying he is in NC is not enough; he should write a letter of NC and let you mail it. Then he needs to be truly remorseful and do everything you need him to do to make you feel safe again in your relationship--you set the boundaries.

This can be hard for a LEO; there is a lot of ego involved. But R can only happen when both parties are commited to it. Good luck.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19143 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
played-a-fool
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Member # 29476
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, September 7th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have only just found this thread and have only read a few of the posts but so far I haven't seen anyother LEO's that are the BH. That's me. My WW had her affair just after I went on the job 19 yrs ago and my D-Day was 8 mos ago. Wanna talk about ego? Try being the kind of man that everyone turns to for protection and justice then finding out that you couldn't even protect yourself. I'm a detective and I can spot deception during an interrogation in a split second and I am very good at getting confessions but I was fooled for 19 yrs by my wife. I had suspicions but was able to convince myself that nothing happened. Not all LEO's are cheaters but it is true that many are. I have always been quick to brag that I have been 100% faithful to my wife and I would also say that I knew my wife had been faithful too. What a fool. No I'm scrambling to find just a little bit of the confident, strong individual I was before. I don't even recognize the man I am now. I can't believe I'm still with her but here I am, willing to live with this horrible knoweledge(at least for now). I feel like my happy, comfortable life has been ripped away from me through no fault of my own. I don't know how I'm gonna live with this woman now. She seems very remorseful and she's saying and doing most of the right things but I just can't shake this horrible feeling inside. LEO's dont trust very much anyway and we're very jaded so when we make ourselves vulnerable to someone like I did my wife we are totally destroyed when something like this happens. I completely trusted this woman for 23 1/2 years, now I will never trust her again. I just wonder if I can continue to stay with her if I can't trust her. Are there any other BH's here that are LEO's who are in R? I gotta know how you were able to move past this without totally loosing your sanity.


Me - BH
Her - FWW
Trying to R

Trust is difficult to earn but so very easy to lose. It's a gift that should be treasured and guarded.


Posts: 635 | Registered: Aug 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, September 7th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Played -just wanted to say sorry for your situation.
As you can see by themonths that went by from the last post to your post - this site doesn't seem to relate to too many.
Maybe you would have better luck posting inthe Reconciliation forum- start a new topic for Law enforcement officers that are the BS.
I agree that most of the people who have posted here are the BS of a Law enforcment officer - I assume that's because of the unique circumstances of your work sitch - the hours, the days, the stress, etc. all of that which make it very difficult to be transparent and sort of lend itself to concealing an A. ( I realize not all law enforcement cheat, of course.)

And - don't fault yourself for not seeing this previously. You trusted her, as you should. I too overlooked a number of red flags because I trusted my H. Hell - had I even checked 1 phone bill over the past 1 1/2 years I would've known what was going on...
Anyway - I wish you luck.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
i hurt
♀ New Member
Member # 29627
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, September 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am the wife of a police officer. an under cover police officer. dday was about 2 weeks ago. we have been married for almost 6 years, and he cheated once (that i know of) 3 months ago. i had a gut feeling and did some of my own detective work. i am incredibly hurt. i really dont know what to do, espically since im so in love with him. we have 4 kids and i am a stay at home mom. please help me!

Posts: 22 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: metro detroit
alexa071
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Member # 28881
Default  Posted: 5:33 AM, September 19th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Played,

I know I'm running about two weeks late but I am also a LEO and a BH. My story is in my profile if you want to read it. I can't tell you I'm in R... D-day was around 4 months ago.

I can attest that my wife was also an expert liar. After D-day we essentially had an interrogation over the facts of her A. She lied right to my face and made me believe her. Of course it was all lies... the difference is that I WANTED to believe her. That's not the case when we are interrogating a suspect.

I even went so far as to have WW take TWO polygraphs. She failed BOTH! I did get some additional information from her on the first one but the second one she failed and SWORE she was being truthful. I don't buy it for one minute.

As far a trust... I can't help you there. I have zero trust in my WW. I don't believe hardly anything that comes out of her mouth anymore. If it continues... well I suppose we don't have any chance at R. I'm just kind of in limbo right now trying to be patient and observe WW's behavior. I have very definitely lost my sanity... at least in the short term. Sorry I can't be of more help.


Me: BH (32)
Her: XWW/SA/Borderline PD (Betrayer47) (32)
OC: (4)

Posts: 1042 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: MN
Time2moveon
♀ New Member
Member # 21503
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, September 19th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My XWH is a PO. After a year being married tried out for the SWAT team and made it. I was so happy for him little did I know that was the beging of the end of our marriage.

Long story short,A&E started filming the swat team. Now he is a celebrity & PO. he would have,raids,search warrants,late arrests a lot. Worked OT all the time Ifelt like I was a single mom. I felt for a while he was cheating. I got in his email & found pics of him with girls, married but dating websites. Around the same time my OBGYN called & said I had Gonorhea WTF.

I was crushed. How could he bring the streets home to his wife? I am already a skinny person but all this stress caused me to lose 20 lbs ended up in the hospital & through all this never any remorse or that he was truly sorry. He said let's just brush it under the rug. Yeah right. I didn't leave him. He left me. We have been divorced for over 2 years now. He has been dating a PO from a different dept for over a year. I don't think he will change. BTW I work at a court & have been for 10yrs & see it all the time with PO's. For some reason they think it is ok?


Posts: 13 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Detroit
alexa071
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Member # 28881
Default  Posted: 3:50 AM, September 20th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Time2,

I can tell you that I am a PO and I do NOT think it is okay. The schedule of the job and the relative freedom of movement at work does give a lot of opportunity to those who DO think it is okay. I think that is most of the problem. Also, stressful situations with members of the opposite sex and the need to trust each other with their lives allows them to get closer than is healthy to maintain proper boundaries. Not that it HAS to happen but those with poor boundaries to begin with are very susceptible in our line of work IMHO.


Me: BH (32)
Her: XWW/SA/Borderline PD (Betrayer47) (32)
OC: (4)

Posts: 1042 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: MN
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, September 26th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was a PO at the time of my d-day. I had to go home for a clean shirt after getting blood from a car crash on me. Walked in on my then-fiance and OM having sex in our bed. This was after living together for over 2 years and dating for over 4 years and only 5 weeks from our big planned white wedding.
In my case I walked away from it all. I decided there and then that DESPITE the time, the love, the future plans and the commitment already invested then I did not want to start the next stage with this handicap. Sure there were times I wondered whether this was the right decision but I have never regretted it. I am fully aware that I would probably have made a different choice (or at least considered it seriously) if we had children or if we had a mortgage, house, car-loans etc. But at the time this was the correct decision and I dealt with the pain of betrayal, death of love, broken dreams and hopes and all that.

I HATE the claim so many make that cops cheat more than other professions. I doubt any single profession has been examined more by psychologists, sociologists and anthropologists more than LEO and not a SINGLE survey supports the theory that LEO cheat more than others. Not a SINGLE. However more or less all surveys confirm the divorce rate is higher than most other professions (look at my post near the bottom of page 2 on this thread).

We can play around with that fact:
If the norm divorce rate is 50% and LEO is 55% then it’s clear that if you know 100 non-LEO people and 100 LEO then 50/55 divorce. If the reasons for divorce are the same then about 7% are due to infidelity. So out of 100 marriages 3.5 “normal” marriages are because of infidelity but 3.85 if LEO. Does this read as a “significant” increase in infidelity?
What the surveys don’t show is also quite interesting: is it the LEO or the LEO spouse that has the infidelity that leads to divorce? Considering the gender bend here on SI then here on this single page on this thread we have 3 male LEO with cheating spouses…

IMHO this, along with the acknowledged increase in divorce rates in the military, supports the theory that the unique kind of stress that the unknown in LEO jobs places on marriage affects BOTH partners and therefore can lead to either of them reacting in the wrong way.

Ps. My fiancé was a hairdresser who ran her own saloon. Of the 4 hairdressers working there 3 were in relationships. Of those three then two were cheating. If I were to base on my personal experiences then hairdressers are the ones to watch out for!


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5309 | Registered: Sep 2005
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, September 27th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bigger:

Of course you hate the perception about law enforcement and infidelity.
It's unfair to you and to many hard working officers that remain faithful to their spouses.

BTW I always like to take the opportunity to let a po know how grateful I am for what you & many others do on a daily basis. It's truly remarkable - even if it's a boring day & nothing happens, you guys are still there willing to take the risk.

However, you must realize that the people on this thread have lived the reality that have proven the stereotype to be true in our situations, at least. However unfair that generalization is - it applied to us. Every command is different, but my H's command is comprised mostly of single, divorced or men (and a few women) cheating on their spouses with other officers, adas, etc.
Of course, the newly married & younger married couples seem to be fine (I'm too old to be hanging out with them) and I do know some long term relationships that were not affected by infidelity, but that is very much the situation at my H's place of employment.

NOw, of course infidelity is a problem across the board, with many different professions. I think the uniqueness of law enforcement is that the strain of the officers' schedule, work related stress, along with the relative freedom of movement within the job, the ability to have a separate phone in your locker at work, etc. all make remaining transparent difficult. (The latter 2-3 may be applicable to those that are self-employed, I imagine, as well.)

In any event, I know I responded to you once before and was unable to convince you, so I will leave it at this: all stereotypes & generalizations are unfair to significant portions of people in the category. That being said, there are difficulties faced by spouses of law enforcement that I do not believe are faced by others. Of course when there's a will, there's a way and infidelity is present in many occupations, but I just think it goes undetected for longer or more frequently in this kind of occupation, I also happen to know in my experience at least, that it is so common at my H's command that it is not even shocking so there's no real repurcusions that way.

I do think temptation abounds in this profession - there are a lot of social functions with single people and alcohol, etc.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 6:58 AM, September 27th (Monday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
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