[This message edited by ginger123009 at 10:13 PM, October 3rd (Sunday)]
[This message edited by ginger123009 at 10:20 PM, October 3rd (Sunday)]
My WH is a huge compartmentalizer, which I think is a key element in why he cheated. LEOs and other emergency personnel tend to compartmentalize a lot, because it's necessary to keep their sanity given all of the stuff they see and experience. But, there are many officers out there that learn to shut off the compartmentalization when they're at home, and it's not appropriate or healthy. My WH, unfortunately, has not learned this yet.
I do fear that WH is at risk for developing other EA's with female coworkers he considers friends. He will often say that they understand him and the work in a way I never can, because I don't do the job. He doesn't get that this attitude (particularly with other women) sets him up for distructive behaviors, secrecy, and misplaced emotional intimacy. He's a ticking time bomb, unless he finally gets that.
It hurts even more because, outside of our marriage, WH is a very good man. He is extremely good at his job, and is known for his high integrity. He's not a hot-head, he doesn't abuse his power as an LEO, and he is well liked and regarded in the department. He's even a "good guy", and has a lot of integrity with his friends and family. But, when it comes to me, for some reason he turns into a lying, cheating, selfish (possibly narcissistic) jerk who engages in behaviors he KNOWS are wrong and hurtful, because they make HIM feel good. It also pisses me off that I've sacrificed a lot for his career, and worked hard to help him be successful at it, and this is how he repays me... He's going to have a hell of a time, if he ever loses me, finding another woman who not only is as supportive of his career as I am, but also understands it as well as I do (without being an LEO themselves -- and I don't think he could handle being married to another cop).
[This message edited by Herzschmerz at 5:55 PM, October 8th (Friday)]
Fully in R! (and successful Retrouvaille "grads"!)
I'm the BH, a Corrections Supervisor in a Georgia State Prison. One of the OM was my shift OIC.
Anyone care to guess how many times I was in close proximity to that POS while I was armed? It still amazes me that I'm not now doing a 20-year bid.
I think that anyone who wants to use the job as an excuse/reason for an A is just fooling themselves. You may have had more opportunities for a A due to the uniform but you would have probably had an A no matter what line of work you were in.
For my brothers and sisters in blue who are having, have had, or are considering an A I would like you to think about this. We took this job it was not thrust upon us. But when we accepted the job we were instantly held to a "higher standard" than the average person. Everything we do from that point on, both on and off duty has to be above reproach. If you are found to be a liar and a cheater outside of work then your creditiblity at work will suffer. If you are lucky it will only suffer in the eyes of your fellow POS not the courts or public.
POS, we are usually our own worst enemies when it comes to how the public sees us and it drives me crazy. If we can't make the right decisions in our own lives, outside of work, with little to no stress, then how can we expect the public to trust that we can make the right decisions when someone's life is at risk.
Life, much like work, is pretty simple. Right vs. wrong, leagle vs. illegal, moral vs. immoral. You are a PO and I expect you to do what is legal, right, and moral 24/7.
Brothers and sisters stay safe, watch your six, and good luck!
He was a BS, his WW ran off with her drug connection and left him alone with their three young children.
This year just sucks.
Those of you who have been to a LEO party can relate.
I sat there and watched all of the LEO's who I know have cheated and I watched them act all bravado in front of each other trying to see who was more masculine. Not once did any of them, except my FWH, walk up and put their arm around their wife! I doubt many of their wives know their husbands cheated, just like I never knew. It was like their wives didn't exist. The wives were all gorgeous (dyed hair, thin, dressed well in an obvious attempt to get some much needed attention from their husbands). Their husbands are so lucky to have them and don't even seem to care. They obviously cared more about what their coworkers thought, and having a gorgeous wife is just part of the expectations of their ongoing "pissing contest".
It reminded me so much of how FWH used to treat me. I cried when I got home. I cried for the wives that were there and I cried for the wife that I used to be. Before I found out about the A, I just wanted affirmation from my FWH. His LEO buddies and their approval always took a front seat. I was just eye candy.
Why do LEO brothers do that to each other? How sad that 2.5 years it can send me into a downward spiral so badly that I cried myself to sleep and am still in bed right now.
FWH said he just wants to chake some of his LEO buddies and shout "you're going to lose her"!
He alwys blames the uniform!
willhechange : He doesn't deserve to wear the uniform They don't all do this; in fact, most don't do this. It's blameshifting; the brokeness is in him, not as a result of wearing the uniform. Don't let him get away with this.
As for a co-worker being the only one who could understand him--bullshit! I knew everything about stbxwh's work when he was a PO; he held nothing back and we talked about it alot. Unfortunately, stbx's downward spiral started when he had to retire due to an injury; he became a CO here in our adopted state, and the rest is (our) history.
During 2008 I went through DivorceCare. The man that was the leader of my support group was a office of the law. He was so broken hearted and sincere I think I almost fell in love with him.
He was one of the most special people that helped me get through my greatess pain.
I didn't me to t/j this thread.
My thing with this job continues to be the lack of accountability for their time and when the AP is a coworker, well, that's not good...
Peace to all.
I don't really know what I wanted to accomplish by posting here but I do hope that people will see that LEOs can be hurt too and we do have hearts.
Trust is difficult to earn but so very easy to lose. It's a gift that should be treasured and guarded.
The issue I have with law enforcement is the opportunity that is present - the freedom of movement, the ability to come home whenever you feel like it by saying you got an arrest, overtime, etc. The inability to call your spouse ona landline and know that he is actually at work, not just on his cell phone, God knows where.
Again - I have the greatest respect for that job. I remain very proud of my H as far as how he performs his job, it's how he abuses my trust under the guise of working (which appears plausible) that just frustrates me.
I think the perception comes from the Blue Wall of Silence stereotype perpetuated by the media. Yes, it exists to some extent, but it's not all-pervasive. The other stereotype is that LEOs are all under such enormous stress that they can only vent to their co-workers; once again, I call bullshit. I heard EVERYTHING from my stbxwh when he was NYPD.
I know in my heart of hearts as sure as shit that I knew he was cheating with the skank nurse as a CO at the prison (and still is), I also knew that he was 100% faithful when he was a PO; he even had a female partner and my faith in him never skipped a beat.
My stbxwh was in a horrendous accident while a PO; because of this, I got to know his superiors and co-workers extremely well. I also became intimately familiar with the rhythm of precinct life. LEOs are no more likely to cheat than any other walk of life.
For example, I work and while I have some freedom of movement, I couldn't for example ever say I was working on New Year's Eve and be with another man. I couldn't come home from work at 1am without a million questions being raised, etc.
To me, the reason for this forum is to share some of the common problems, etc that are shared by families of LEO and that is all that is being done.
I used this to good purpose when I was in tracking mode with stbxwh; he's in corrections now, and I set up the online acct for him, as he's a computer moron. He forgot that I had the passwords. Most likely you can't see the date he earned the OT or took the errant vacation day (my scenario) but you can see totals and track that way.
stbxwh told me he couldn't get off on his b-day to celebrate with me, but he did take a vacation day during that pay period, and his b-day coincided with OW's day off--go figure!