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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Law Enforcement Officers & Spouses Affected by Infidelity
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, December 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your suggestions, Sad.
Yes, after A LOT of resistance, I now get his paystubs.
The problem that I have, which I do not know if it is typical in other precincts or not, is that they have some free time where they are not really working, they are socializing, but the time is not deducted from them either.
I'd rather not get into details, given the public nature of the forum.
So, maybe that's why I sound so agitated when I post here.
Anyway -no offense meant and I wish everyone a happy holiday!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
played-a-fool
♂ Member
Member # 29476
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, December 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been on the job a long time and I have to admit that when I first put on the badge there was a lot of womanizing going on. I've seen and heard things that made me ashamed to be associated with some of my coworkers. That has changed, at least in the part of the country I live and work in. This job has done a lot of changing. It is now much more professional and people are held accountable moreso now than ever. Years ago there was still this thin blue line thing but that line has been shrunken over the years. The stress of the job and the reations to the stress manifest themselves in ways that most people cannot understand, but infidelity cannot be blamed on that.

Have I had opportunities to cheat? Of course. I probably do have more opportunity than people in other professions but when ones character is strong, temptation is only momentary. I am glad that I can count myself as one LEO that has never cheated on his wife. I only wish I could say that I had never been cheated on.


Me - BH
Her - FWW
Trying to R

Trust is difficult to earn but so very easy to lose. It's a gift that should be treasured and guarded.


Posts: 635 | Registered: Aug 2010
furba
♀ New Member
Member # 30562
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, December 30th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am the BS of a WS who is a fed. agent. When I married him, he was a job counselor making much less money. I never make a big deal about people's professions in terms of status, power, etc. I appreciate anyone who makes a good, honest living. Every once in a while he will ask, "Can you believe you're married to a fed. agent?" Believe me...with the hours, the damn cell phone ALWAYS ringing, I'd rather the old profession. And now I am in disbelief. While on a temp. assign. overseas, he was with someone else. He says there was no phys. contact. I don't believe him based on google history seaches I've done on his computer, etc. He is surrounded by infidelity at work and I always felt so lucky that I didn't have to worry. He would come home and tell me about the indiscretions of his coworkers. How stupid was I???? He's at work now picking up foreign police officers at the airport. He is getting them settled at their hotel and then they may get a few drinks. Totally sucks. It's like the good old boys' club. They're are so many women who throw themselves at these badges. It boggles my mind!!!!!!


BW (Me) 37
WH 39
Married 14 years, together 17
2 children
D-Day 10/12/10

Posts: 16 | Registered: Dec 2010
furba
♀ New Member
Member # 30562
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, December 30th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, I think b/c I never made a big deal about his job, he needed to feel powerful with a "badge bunny" who was willing to tell him what he's wanted to hear all these years. Makes me sick!!!


BW (Me) 37
WH 39
Married 14 years, together 17
2 children
D-Day 10/12/10

Posts: 16 | Registered: Dec 2010
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, January 4th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Furba- I can relate!
I worried that making a big deal about my FWH's profession would just make his head already bigger than it was and add more drama to my life than I wanted. I agree that he really grew hungry for affirmation and it seems there is always a badge bunny ready to provide it.


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 18, Together: 20, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-98 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1397 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
Eyeore
♀ Member
Member # 30615
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, January 5th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS is in law enforcement. He would tell me about all his friends at work who were having marrital problems. He said they were all getting divorced. I always thought he was jealous of them because they were starting their lives over. All the while he was in the middle of a long term affair. Stress, my ass. You give them a gun and they think they are superman. The rules don't apply to them.

[This message edited by Eyeore at 6:34 AM, January 5th (Wednesday)]


Me BS 51
Him WS 49
M 24years
2 sons
D-day May 2010 (LTA)
TT 2/11
"He and his whore did the crime but I am the one serving a life sentence."

Posts: 366 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: New York
willhechange
♀ New Member
Member # 30492
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, January 11th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My stupid WH said he was going to kill himself after I threw him out the first time, we were sitting in his patrol car and he was on duty. Of course two weeks later I found out that he slept with the OW after he told me he was going to kill himself for what he did. I know you will think I am horrible, but I told him that next time he wants to kill himself, please make sure he is on duty and make it look like a fight or something so that I can get all the insurance money for me and the kids!


ME: BS
Married 22 years, together 27
Two kids, boys, age 15 and 17
Dday: 10/30/07, again in 2008, 2009, 2010, has not stopped seeing her since
Can't figure out why I am still with him, except for my kids
ow: CO-WORKER

Posts: 10 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Kentucky
ginger123009
♀ New Member
Member # 29509
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, February 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been 397 days since WS confirmed the A. I still have bad days. I have even had days when I actually felt happiness. But something will trigger me. Do I believe my WS?? No. WS intentionally, knowingly and willingly crossed the line. WS knew what he was doing and did it willingly, just like a criminal. WS always said that when we met, WS never went out with anyone else, but as I look back, WS said that as if it was my fault. To me, WS is full of it, there were plenty of opportunities to go out with others. WS was always jealous of other LEO's who would take advantage of the women who would present themselves. A friend asked me if I loved my spouse, all I could say was "I don't know". I really don't know if I do, or even if I want to stay with my spouse. I feel all my spouse is doing is trying to find another way to do it again. My spouse now seems to be acting like before, being honest and truthful was only to pacify my staying and keeping his retirement. My spouse has shown some emotions, but only when I press for it, and will still not talk about what he did or why, there is always one excuse after another as to why, never the same story. My spouse will not read anything, refuses therapy, cuz someone said it was stupid. I have purchased books, printed out articles and even showed this site, but still refuses to do anything. In sarcastic terms the OP was a "real winner". I would have thought that my spouse would have been with an OP that was better looking and smart, or at least have a job and pay their own bills, instead it was, well, a real Loser.
Makes me feel I must be one too, but I know better. When I retired from my job last year, I was given a beautiful send off and lots of gifts, which showed me I was not a Loser and I was smart and not stupid.
So if any LEO's are thinking that the one on the other side was/is really worth your time and attention, THINK, about what your doing to your family and yes,the friends who actually believe in you. You will lose those friends and possible your family. It will be as if You are committing a Crime. That you are a Criminal and need to be locked up for your crimes.
Don't get me wrong I still have believe there are good LEO's out there, its the bad one's who mess it up for the good ones.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: south central texas
redringlett
♀ New Member
Member # 30283
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, February 5th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted this on the military deployment page but no one seems to check that so, since my WF is in the military police I figure you may still be able to relate. My WF is a Master at Arms in the Navy. He works about 60 hours a week and often has training on his days off. His job can be extremely stressful. During the past two weeks he had to report to a fatal car accident and to a report of an unresponsive infant. The baby died of SIDS right in front of him. He also has dealt with calls for suicide attempts and domestic violence. He is stationed in Japan, and I am here in the U.S. I guess what I'm getting at is: do you ever feel guilty for trying to get your WS to talk about trying to work on your relationship or about his/her misdeeds, when they already have so much on their plate? I feel like he just can't emotionally deal with this right now. Thanks so much!

Posts: 20 | Registered: Dec 2010
GeminiDream
♂ Member
Member # 30027
Default  Posted: 5:03 AM, February 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like he just can't emotionally deal with this right now

This is very compassionate of you, and yet...

He still, somehow, has to deal with ALL of it. Fixing him for you is his first obligation, right?

Any normal person would feel some guilt about adding more burden to a donkey's back -- the donkey didn't ask for it.

A man who loads up his own burden, especially at the expense of others, is a different critter.

Compassionate, yes. Guilty? No.


"If I listen long enough to you, I'd find a way to believe it's all true. Knowing that you lied, straight-faced, while I cried. Still, I look to find a reason to believe."

Posts: 284 | Registered: Nov 2010
stilllovinghim
♀ Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 6:00 AM, February 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWW here. Please forgive my ignorance, I have a question/concern:

BS has expressed to me on more than one occasion that he wants to be a PO. One of my biggest concerns, besides his safety, is that as a PO or someone in the Law Enforcement field, how would my A affect him now?

By this I mean, I have heard TONS of stories from several different people about the things that happed with POs and agents and their spouses. It was pretty much afirmed here with what I've read so far.

I'm not worried that my BS would ever have an A. I know I wouldn't have another one as well. F that. My concern is him having to hear all the stories all the time. People joking or bragging, etc.

It's hard enough for him as it is to go through this as a BS. He doesn't think it will bother him, but, I don't see how it couldn't.

Besides that, I'm of course worried about his safety and how he'd also manage seeing abused families all the time since he grew up in one. Any advise/suggestions?

I know I'm sounding selfish by discouraging his dream, an admirable one at that. But, I can't help but want him all to myself! I don't want to say "I told you so" when it's too late!


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1933 | Registered: Oct 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, February 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stilllovinghim: In my case, I do not believe it's an open bragging, or open discussion about infidelity at my husband's precinct.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
lolitalola
♀ Member
Member # 31099
Default  Posted: 5:35 AM, February 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh I am so happy to find this thread! I found out only a week ago that WH has been having an affair and lying like crazy. I hacked into his email and she's 23 and a rookie cop. :(((

He says that he's initiated NC but she works at the station and they were seeing each other in between etc.

How the heck will I ever have trust again with the shift work etc? He's not living here, moved out a week before D-day to 'get space' and I am still trying to 180 and get my head round things.

And the last couple of months because he's only been out 3 yrs as a cop, I was blaming the job for the distancing, not wanting to talk about problems and lack of affection....

[This message edited by lolitalola at 5:36 AM, February 10th (Thursday)]


BW - 37 me
WH - 34 him
Children - 6.5 and 20 months
HB baby due Jan
WH moved out 26/1
D-day - 3/2/11
Second D-day 3/3/11~~~!!
D-day three - 14/3/11
D-day 4 - 13/4/11 - had an email account with her address in it but nothing was sent.
In R...

Posts: 155 | Registered: Feb 2011
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, February 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lolita: my H is a p.o. who also had an A with a rookie cop 12 years his junior. Before, after and during work (or at least when I thought he was at work.)

All I can say is that if you are reconciling he's got to transfer, if not precincts, then shifts. If your H's precinct is anything like my H's - there's plenty of opportunity for misbehavior and not much in the way of repurcusions, not even the disapproval of their peers.

Also, you would have to monitor his paychecks like a lunatic re: days off, lost time, supposed OT, etc.

Even then, there's no insulating him from it if he wants to do it. So, in addition to the above, you guys would have to work on your relationship and find a way to restore trust.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Lcx8
♀ Member
Member # 31284
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, February 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is a PO. I've also worked in LE. I've seen first hand the crap that goes on...the beat wives, the PA that occur in association houses, I've even witnessed two PO's going at it in broad daylight on the HOOD of the patrol car!!!! Men have attempted to suck me in too...it's all a conquest game for them. They go to the station and with all there freedom they become different people. My WH took a department cell phone and department car and made it his 2nd life. One keylogger program later I broke the law and hacked his work email to find all my proof:( don't get me wrong...there are a LOT of good cops out there becuz I've seen them too...it's just hard when I've seen it all myself...they get younger and younger too


ME-BS
HIM-WH
Multiple ddays (way too many to list!)
Filed for D: 12/29/11
on my way to freedom:)

Posts: 131 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: CA
ginger123009
♀ New Member
Member # 29509
Default  Posted: 12:07 AM, February 25th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I recently purchased a book titled "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda J. MacDonald. I got it for my WS, who has yet to read it, but I have read it and it helped me. I told my WS, the book is written in plain language that even he could understand it, which I said in a nice way, I was not being mean. My WS still refuses counseling, so I buy books. The books help me which in turn I tell him about and he actually listens. Hope this helps someone.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: south central texas
fairytaledied
♂ Member
Member # 12727
Flame  Posted: 1:32 PM, March 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have now read though this entire thread. I am truly saddened and royally pissed at the moment. I see so many generalizations in this thread and it literally made me sick to my stomach.

I see things like

You give them a gun and they think they are superman. The rules don't apply to them.

and

next time he wants to kill himself, please make sure he is on duty and make it look like a fight or something so that I can get all the insurance money for me and the kids

While I understand that some of you are new to your pain, I also know that we are all responsible for our actions, comments, and beliefs.

I am the definition of the "emergency services trifecta" I am a PO, firefighter and a paramedic. Each of these professions have high rates of a multitude of marital problems for various reasons and yet here I sit....the BS in our situation. I am the one who remained faithful through everything. I could say all kinds of things right now about those who are at home and not working the job. I could say that they are all ungrateful, unknowing, with complete lack of understanding of anything that we deal with, adultress whores with nothing else to do but screw people while i'm at work doing what I've been trained to do.

HOWEVER, that would be a huge generalization of a lot of people including a lot of you here who are hurting and to be honest, it really doesn't apply to most of you. I would also argue that most of the generalizations i've seen here don't apply to most PO's as well.

I might be a little sensitive due to the fact that I get yelled at for doing my job and I get yelled at if I don't do my job and I get yelled at when someone else knows my job better than I do and I get yelled at when I get home for not being emotionally available when SHE needs me. What about when I need HER? When I needed HER the most, she was off screwing some other guy. I"m sorry if some of you have been hurt. I'm sorry if a lot of you don't understand what THIS world is like. But you really need to stop and think about what our world is like. If you need some help in this area, read "I love a cop". I forget the author's name but it's a great book. there is also another book called "emotional survival for the LEO" Mandatory reading for our dept and I made my WW read it as well.

About A's, everyone is responsible for their own actions I just really hate to see generalizations when clearly I'm the example of why there shouldn't be generalizations.

Beaten wives, I've seen beaten men as well but they aren't nearly as publicized.

Superman.....not likely and I don't believe i'm above the law and I really resent anyone telling me otherwise.

Badge Bunnies do exist: I've been approached by them several times and have always found a reason to say no even in light of my WW's affair. I AM ABOVE THAT!!

Sorry for the rant. Mods can certainly remove this if they feel they must but I had to get this off my chest.

FTD


Me:BS
her:WS
D-Day:11-10-2006
OFFICIALLY RECONCILED AND LOVING LIFE AGAIN.

Posts: 233 | Registered: Nov 2006
wifeno2
♀ Member
Member # 31529
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, March 17th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am the wife of a LEO. He had an affair with one of the analysts. She is married. She has also had affairs with three other men in the department (in the year since she married her current husband) prior to my WH. It turns out that at least 4 other men in his department are also having affairs. This is department that requires a lot of secrecy and sneaking around. I am curious if this tends to lead to more infidelity.


Me-BW (45)
Him-WS (42)
DS 19 (prior relationship)
DS-8
DDay #1- 10/22/2010 EA/PA with MOW coworker
Dday#2:11/17/2010 beginning secret emails with potential OW#2
DDay #3 11/22/2010 still seeing OW#1
Too many DD's to count: Now up to OW #6.

Posts: 696 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: the south
NewAttitude
Member
Member # 1030
Red  Posted: 7:37 AM, March 17th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GENERAL STATEMENTS: Please refrain from making statements that generalize gender, WS/OP/BS, race, religion or political alignment. Also do not presume to speak on behalf of other people.


Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.

Posts: 58732 | Registered: Jan 2003
NewAttitude
Member
Member # 1030
Red  Posted: 7:38 AM, March 17th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I will take a moment to remind you of the very first post in this thread...


There will be no venting ABOUT officers, as we have several BS's here that are officers and it would be hurtful to them.


Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.

Posts: 58732 | Registered: Jan 2003
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