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User Topic: Law Enforcement Officers & Spouses Affected by Infidelity
guarded
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Member # 25364
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, September 1st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I don't understand why people don't feel the need to call others on their behavior. I personally know of two other officers that had jailhouse affairs that tore their marriages and families apart and who have been able to finally reconcile who didn't say ANYTHING to him. I feel like one word from one of them early on would have stopped it all dead in its tracks.


In R? But how do you know it isn't another pack of lies?

Posts: 441 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: NY
nooneeverthought
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Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, September 2nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think maybe Guarded, if these other guards have not had the exposure to support such as SI, it still really is a mind my own business kind of world. Even having lived it.....And we all know that when a WS is beginning down that slope, THEY are different.......there new love is special and different. Chances are our H's wouldn't have listened, but, after having been through this I hope my H would reach out and try to help.


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
mommy0508
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Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, September 2nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why is it so exceptable in this field. Do people not have any morals anymore. I know the field I am in if this started occuring it would be nipped fast!!!!!!!!!


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
nooneeverthought
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Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, September 2nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mommy, I don't know if accepted is the right word, but, it seems shrugged off. After all Marriage is disposable now to so many people. It is so sad.


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
mommy0508
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Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, September 2nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You would think that those PO who don't engage in such actions would step up and say something, since in reality they are getting a bad rep because of this.


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
nooneeverthought
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Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, September 2nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But you have to try and remember we are so super sensitive to it all now.. I can honestly tell you before my world exploded I would never have openly condoned this behavior, but, I did have the mind set to mind my own business.....And of course I was famous for "If he ever........."


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
mommy0508
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Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, September 2nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nooneeverthought-

Completely understand what you are saying I have always had "stay out of drama mind my own business mantality" so yes I get that.

Just upset right now and would love to blame anybody that I can. I know not right.


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
nooneeverthought
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Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, September 2nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is okay, keep coming on to talk about it, that is what this is all about. We all want someone to blame....


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
doesitend
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Member # 25040
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, September 4th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is a former PO, EMT, and now in the security field. I destinctly remember the "indfedilty/ high divorce rate" talk he had in the acadmey and the "high moral standards" of the department. What CRAP if they aren't going to follow through?

Did you know that infedilty is a court martial offense, or reduction in pay, brig time, etc... in the military? Doesn't stop it, espeically on deployment, but maybe if there were more punishments for these fields to hold them to that higher standard- it wouldn't be so "accepted."

I personally think- you might not condone the behavior, but if you don't stand up against it- you are accepting it.


BS-me
WS-him
married 8 years
1 child- 2.5 boy
D-Day- April 28, 2009- 2 EA's found out in same day
Trickle Truth- keep finding out new stuff.
Dday#2- Sept. 7, 2009- 4 women, 4 years
He filed for divorce 1 week after I got back from my friends!

Posts: 147 | Registered: Aug 2009
KSA2
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Member # 9474
Red  Posted: 10:41 PM, September 4th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A reminder about the very first post on this thread:

There will be no venting ABOUT officers, as we have several BS's here that are officers and it would be hurtful to them.


No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So, what are we, helpless? Puppets? Nah. The big moments are gonna come, you can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are.

Posts: 29360 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Mod Dungeon
mommy0508
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Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, September 8th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think lack of communication is a big problem with couples whom either one or both work in this field. Anybody have any advice on how to keep that line of communication open even though you really don't completely understand what officer's do?

I feel like OW was able to relate to H on a different level than I was and that is where problems started.


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
nooneeverthought
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Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, September 8th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Mommy, The one and only thing H and his FOW had in common was work. It was ingrained in him from day one to not bring his work home, he took that literally. And I mean he never uttered a word about work and I didn't really care and never asked.......Now that we are R'ing, I ask him every day, he tells me what life is like in the prison. We talk about his duties and the kinds of convo's he has with co-workers and or inmates. If I don't understand part of what he does, I ask him to explain it to me. He does the same with my job...


Doesitend,

I destinctly remember the "indfedilty/ high divorce rate" talk he had in the acadmey

My H got that talk to in his first week, came home from training and scared the crap out of me.....And sadly they are right about the statistics.

I personally think- you might not condone the behavior, but if you don't stand up against it- you are accepting it.

That is pretty general, in our case it was more like ignorance.


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
mommy0508
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Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, September 8th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am definatley trying to do that on a daily basis. We are currently seperated (by my choice) but are still focused on R.

My H made comment in April before I found out about A that it had gotten to the point that he would rather be at work than at home. And I would think in his line of work, home would be your "safe place" the place you go to get away from the bad stuff.

That is what I am trying to make for my H.


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
nooneeverthought
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Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, September 8th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have thought the same. Actually H got his Social Security statement and was completely blown away at how much overtime he did the year before and during the A. He doesn't do any now. I said babe, you signed for OT every day and not that the money wasn't nice but you did it just not to be here. He said I know and I really am sorry.....


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
guarded
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Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, September 8th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H never signed up for OT before the A or did anything extra...xmas parties, benefits, retirement parties, or hung out w/ other officers outside of work before the A. During and after, he did lots of OT and all of the sudden started going to EVERYTHING and volunteering to be a trainer, extra duty like state fair, etc.

Now, he likes his job too much to leave AND the people he works with.


In R? But how do you know it isn't another pack of lies?

Posts: 441 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: NY
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, September 8th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I‘m a former police officer and also a BS.

I have concerns about threads like this because too often the perceived truth is taken as the absolute truth when there is no evidence to support it. This in turn leads to people seeking solutions to the WRONG causes. Few professions have been studied as extensively as Police officers with regard to psychological effects of the job so it does sound strange that there isn’t a general consensus supporting the theory that police officers (or their spouses) are more likely to cheat.

There is no accepted study – to my knowledge – that supports the mita that infidelity is more rampant in law enforcement than in other professions. Granted the divorce rate is significantly higher but all research indicates that the reasons for divorce are in the same proportions as the reasons “normal” couples give for divorcing. In fact – more surveys show that medical professions and people working in education might have a higher infidelity rate than other professions (law enforcement included).

What survey after survey has shown is that Law enforcement personnel:
have a higher divorce rate
have a higher suicide rate (but not significantly)
tend to use violent methods in suicide (gunshot – obviously)
Some research indicates a higher percentage of alcoholism but that is disputed.

The most interesting theory (and the one many professionals focus on) is that the unique nature of the job places a certain type of emotional and physical stress on both the officer and the spouse. The officer might be sitting in his/her car one minute and facing a knife the next. Or trying to be calm and comforting to someone crushed inside a wrecked car. Then an hour later he/she has to be home cooking hamburgers for the kids… The spouse might hear on the news about a shooting or hear sirens…
The uncertainty of the job has negative impact on both. Add to that the effects of irregular hours, the social environment and other factors and you have a deadly cocktail for a marriage.
Some say that the increased divorce rate in the military is caused by the same stress symptoms. In times of peace a soldier is quite certain he will be home safe and the spouse does not worry – this changes when the soldier spends time in Iraq.
The “interesting” thing about this stress is that it affects BOTH the spouse and the officer. I have noticed that when one considers the gender division here on SI (significantly more women post) then there are a surprising number of serving military personnel and law-enforcement officers posting as BS. To me this supports what I read in surveys and research in that the unique stress affects BOTH spouses.

Finally: an experienced officer is an asset and an unstable officer is a liability. Forces all over the world have placed immense emphasis on holding on to their veterans. Since a happy family life is important to being a happy and content person then generally police officers and their spouses have good access to MC and professional support. Often the spouse of the officer can initiate and access this support. If you are married to a law-enforcement officer (or are one) then I strongly suggest you see what support you are offered.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5318 | Registered: Sep 2005
mommy0508
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Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, September 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bigger -

I am not sure anyone specifically said that cheating happens more with LEO. Maybe I missed something.

I am speaking only from my experience and the agency my H is in and it is very overlooked and happens a great deal. I don't know what happens anywhere else or any statistics.

All I know is my H had an A with someone he works with and I am trying to figure out how to comminicate better with him and try to cover every base so hopefully it will not happen again in the future. I personally am not here to bash on Law Enforcement.

But if this certain thread can give me any insight or let me talk to people going through the same thing as me then I think this is forum is great and will continue to use it!


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
lovinlife
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Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, September 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The most interesting theory (and the one many professionals focus on) is that the unique nature of the job places a certain type of emotional and physical stress on both the officer and the spouse
.

That statement is why I was excited to see a place for law enforcement... because of the unique qualities that go along with being a police officer or the spouse of an officer.

I am not looking for a place to put anyone down. I have every respect for those in law enforcement and for those of us that love them. It is a stressful life and it's nice to have a place to talk to others that deal with the same issues. JMO

I LOVE MY COP!!

Lovin


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
Bigger
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Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, September 13th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My criticism was not intended to kill this thread. In fact mommy – in your first posts you point out exactly the serious issues that face LEO families. But there are several mentions about the prevalent infidelity in the force and even the simple fact a profession specific thread was created says a lot. If we are to base things on our own experience and not consider “facts” then I would like to see a thread about those in a relationship with wanton hairdressers…

To me the 10-15% increased divorce rate with LEO families is in itself a reason for this thread. Not the myth that LEO are more likely to cheat.

I’ll share one thing about the job; it’s not the glamorous job portrayed on TV and movies. It’s a lot of sitting around, waiting and passing time. The “clientele” are the dregs of society; drunks, addicts, thieves, nut-jobs, prostitutes…
Danger? Not really – not on a daily basis (actually being a seaman, logger, steel-worker, pilot, garbage collector or roofer is riskier). But it’s still there. On my first shift, first day on the job, a guy pulled a knife on me. Never experienced that before joining the force nor after leaving…
However one does not want to bring this home. You don’t want to walk in your house and tell your spouse “honey – what a day. I spent two hours talking to a hooker, then I had to arrest a mugger I chased down an alley. To crown it all a bum vomited all over my shoes.”
LEO also witnesses a lot of gore and violence. Car accidents, suicides, murders… These things can leave scars that take a long time to heal.

So you leave it all at work. But that’s not really a problem. I work in a high security job. If I told my wife about my day in detail I could both lose my job and possibly do time. My wife is an IC nurse. She has to respect patient confidentiality. So we don’t talk about our jobs to each other except in very broad terms. So the confidentiality is not the issue.

The problem is that although one leaves the job at work one does not leave the stress and physical tiredness there. There are ways to handle and blow off stress. Unfortunately LEO often fall into negative ways to blow off stress – things like going out for a drink after work, verbal violence (that can lead to LEO entering a one-upship competition and/or thinking the excess is acceptable behavior) or even domestic violence.
There are other more positive ways to blow off steam and alleviate the pressure.
I used to jog home from my shifts. The 40 minute jog helped to clear my mind. Many LEO exercise and they should consider doing so AFTER the shift rather than before.
Other suggestions could be to do chores like shopping on the way home – the 20-30 minute buffer can help in getting the LEO into “normality”.
Spend the first 30 minutes the LEO get’s home with the family.
Find ways to make sure you have time together despite shifts.
Get a combined past-time or hobby. Something that you can both put energy into.
Take walks together.
Schedule family-life so the LEO can take an active part (that includes chores). So maybe Thursday evening is the big family meal evening because the LEO is working over the weekend.
Make an effort to have activity friends outside the force. Don’t fish with your partner; don’t golf with your sergeant.

I would think this thread could be a great place for LEO and their spouses to discuss the unique problems they meet and how to handle them. As SI is undeniably an infidelity site then of course infidelity will be one of them.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5318 | Registered: Sep 2005
nooneeverthought
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Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, September 13th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The problem is that although one leaves the job at work one does not leave the stress and physical tiredness there

Bingo....Add that to the fact that sometimes the spouse has been home for very long hours with child and home responsibilites and all they want is for their LEO to let them have a break..It can breed a perfect storm of resentment and LEO's are in a position of authority and that can be hard to check at the door.


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

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