SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Wayward Side
Helpful Books for WSes
At the request of someone who is struggling, I'm starting this thread to ask the WSes here to list some books that have helped you heal.
Infidelity and the Internet: Virtual Relationships, Real Betrayal (My A was mostly conducted online. This helped me to see I wasn't alone- and that the A wasn't special)
His Needs, Her Needs
Tempted Women (now out of print, written by Carol Botwin. Another book that made me realize that other people had been through what I was going through. Not necessarily helpful for R, but was good to see other women who were as confused and hurting as I was)
Facing Codependence- (Helped me understand why I acted like I did) (thanks for the title correction, EmptyCup)
Codependent No More
Five Languages of Love (A must read if you are in R)
Should I Stay or Go? (Made me realize I didn't want to go)
Making Peace With Your Parents
Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin - (LOVED this one.)
Unattended Sorrow (About grief and the loss of a loved one. This book taught me the concept of self mercy" It doesn't only apply to death- but to past pain as well. It taught me to let go of old pain)
The Four Agreements This book made me think about my choices and my reactions to other people.
Please add any books that helped you. A short explanation as to why would be helpful too. Thanks!
[This message edited by Fallen at 2:27 PM, April 9th (Saturday)]
Not Just Friends
All three of those were very helpful towards me understanding and accepting what I had done.
"Journey from abandonment to healing" and "Journey from heartbreak to connection" by Susan Anderson
"the language of letting go" by Melody Beattie.
Fallen, I am just reading "Boundaries" by Anne Katherine and I also like this book.
It helped me to understand that I was responsible for my own feelings, behavior, etc., and that it was not up to my husband, OM or anyone else to "make" me feel anything.
It also helped me be assertive in expressing my feelings about our marriage and how I needed it to change. I had done a lot of aggressive expressing and some passive expressing, but not much assertive. This book was tremendous in helping me to understand me.
MC was the most important thing we did aside from re-committing to each other.
"The Assertiveness Workbook" by Randy Paterson. This book includes a number of exercises to deal with achieving a balanced approach to asserting yourself in a healthy way.
If one of the challenges you discover you have is being angry or defensive, this book will help you shift that behavior to being firm with your beliefs while not running over the person you are interacting with.
For people like me for whom conflict avoidance is the reason you did not approach your BS with the things in your M that you were unhappy about, this is a must read. It helped me to understand how to change my beliefs from relying upon external validation to define myself and to to find a place where I could express my feelings with confidence.
Not Just Friends
The Five Love Languages
After the Affair
There are so many good ones.
After the Affair...this was major for me. really helped get to my core issues.
Not Just Friends great for building healthy boundaries.
How Can I Forgive You really helped me to understand what I had done to my BH, we never can know exactly how they feel, but this book helped me to get a better idea.
The Five Languages of Love...just wonderful for everyone. I have the book and audio version. It is really great to listen to it in his voice.
[This message edited by 1DLW at 4:16 PM, September 28th (Monday)]
I initially purchased the book, Getting Past the Affair by D. Snyder, the day after D-day for my own knowledge and as I put some things from that book into practice in the next days (NC etc), then a week later, my wife bought a copy for herself so she would have it before I left for my overseas contract.
Since then I have downloaded the e-book by Katie Coston, Infidelity Crisis: How to Gain Forgiveness and Respect After Your Affair.
My wife has ordered the Fireproof video and work book from Amazon.com which we will look at when I get home.
She has also ordered two copies each of the 5 Love Languages and Not just Friends. We had to order two sets, as she will keep one at home with her and I will take the other one overseas with me.
At least right now, we are talking from the same books and using the same words/phrases and that helps to keep the discussions focussed.
I also feel that the SI site has a ton of resources in The Healing Library and of course, the best support network out there. Shameless plug for SI.
The info on the website of an Australian therapist. Must admit I didn't follow his advice from day one, though. Still, it's not just insightful, it's comprehensive, compassionate and to the point. I highly recommend it.
Some of the books most popular around here have some very good ideas in them, but I don't really use them. For changing my behaviour and tracking my thoughts and emotions I use some psychological tools I learned in college. Other than that, I've found real support in a Dutch 'how to'-book for (professional) coaches: HOE-boek voor de coach, by Joost Crasborn & Ellis Buis. It's probably not available in English, but there must be tons of coaching-advice out there that is.
The benefit of these sources for me is that they are very specific in their instructions, so I feel confident I can follow them. Also, they speak rather plainly on faults, flaws, mistakes, which has helped me separating the guilt and shame from the changes I need to make.
For me, it's also a relief to find resources that are not that 'spirit oriented'. I'm woman enough to see the value in some of Dobson's or Chapman's or any shaman's words, but I don't feel comfortable with them. The writings that I mentioned judge my behaviour by human ethics. That works really well for us.
Addiction and Grace - Gerald May
The Four Loves - CS Lewis
The Screwtape Letters - CS Lewis (quite a bit on relationships that is eye opening in these, do not dismiss them)
Wild at Heart, Waking the Dead, Desire, Captivating - John Eldredge
Wounded Heart, Bold Love - Dan Allender
The Art of Forgiveness - Lewis B Smedes
When the Heart Waits - Sue Monk Kidd
He's Just Not That Into You
[This message edited by Maia at 7:28 AM, September 29th (Tuesday)]
Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Committment by Gay Hendricks
Forgiveness (Simon & Simon)
Living the Truth (Ablow)
The Secret of Letting Go (Finley)
Intimate Partners: Patterns in Love and Marriage (Scarf)
The Art of Being Together (Wade)
The Dance of Deception (Lerner)
P.S. I tried Dr. Phil books and wasn't impressed......
How to Get the Love You Want,(has really helped me understand the effects your childhood has on your adult life)
After the Affair,
The Five Love Languages
[This message edited by jen1781 at 9:43 AM, September 30th (Wednesday)]
I forgot some more books.
"Women, Sex, and addiction" by Charlotte Kasl Davis
"How to break an addiction to a person"
"Addiction to love" by Pea Melody....
Thanks so much for this list!
I am reading as much as I can, and it is good to know know of books that fit the needs of our relationship.
The book suggested, Boundries- Where You End and I Begin, has really hit several points hard that are playing out in our M. I always knew that FOO of physical, sexual, emotional, and spending all those years just trying to 'survive', had had effects on me but this book ties them together in understanding.
Not Just Friends
Sexual Detours by Holly Hein--not mentioned much here but one of my favorites
Adultery the Forgiveable Sin by Bonnie Eaker Weil, again not much mentioned her but good b/c it helps people understand FOO issues
Bump for Whatanidiot, good luck.
Bumpity Bump cause I came here to find some more books and figured out that others might find some good reading suggestions too.
Bump for the newbies.
Adding a couple of other books:
Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. Simplistic, yes, but also helpful to me and my H in the early days of R when we were trying to figure things out. It's not about how to recover from infidelity, but was very helpful to me in understanding when to give my H space. I'd always had a tendency to go after him and push him to talk. This book really helped me see that I only made him pull away more when I did that.
Warming the Stone Child by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. This is an audio book and I have listened to it many times. It really helped me see that part of my FoO dysfunction was a feeling of abandonment. It was a healing audiobook for me. Every time I listen, I hear something new. Well worth checking out from the library or buying.
PS... If you click on the Amazon link from SI and then purchase books on Amazon, it helps fund SI by sending a small percentage back to SI.
[This message edited by Fallen at 7:49 PM, December 20th (Sunday)]
Bumping for newbies.