So, what to do? First, you need to have a talk with your brother. I would try to make it as gentle of a 2x4 as possible but tell him any secrets in a marriage is destructive. Do you have a copy of BOTH "Not Just Friends" and "The Slippery Slope". I would get both of them to him ASAP and start a long-distance book group with him to discuss on a nightly basis over the phone each chapter (see, having the boys gone and having loads of time can be to your advantage ). I think the goal would be to slowly pull back the fog. Anything too abrupt and he might go underground. Try not to project your own situation onto his as that might make him angry and defensive.
If this doesn't seem to be working, unfortunately, you need to tell his wife. She has the right to know and to work at it from her end. Yes, it will definitely hurt your relationship with your brother; but, if what he is doing is what we suspect, he is already hurting his relationship with both you and his wife.
Good luck and hugs.
As far as the friendship thing goes I know it wouldn't work for everyone but, so far, it is working for me. I asked EO to put together a definition of friendship for me so I knew he understood where we were going. He wrote this:
What do friends do?
- Listen to each other
- Get to know each other
- Care for each other
- Respect each other
- Support each other
- Help each other
- Protect each other
- Are kind to each other
- Enjoy each other's company
- Have like interests that they share
- TRUST each other
- Spend time together - doing things and not doing things (just spending time)
- Tell each other the TRUTH about things - the easy things and the difficult things
- Offer each other an outside perspective or view
Thank you for letting me be here. I have a gre4at personal goal of earning your friendship and I appreciate you trying.
Thank you for letting me be here. I have a gre4at personal goal of earning your friendship and I appreciate you trying.
Believe me, this is light years ahead of what we had before. Maybe this is the beginning of a foundation for a future relationship. Worst case, we have established a baseline for raising our kids as co-parents whether together or apart.
so please forgive me for pushing.
tryn: nothing to forgive, i do not mind your pushing as you put it, i tend to think its idealizing....i never was an idealist, a realist - yes, a dreamer - sometimes, idealist - never really....sometimes i think i have the soul of a man, except when mothering of course... i always i thought i was more of a man then my wh actually, he never could stand up to people except me, my kids and my mom....we were the forgiving kind...turns out we forgave to much...now forgiveness will not come....i am working actively though on acceptance, for me....i need to move on with my life, not accepting keeps me stuck....
while I talk myself into happiness.
when i read this , i said to myself and now to you, yes that exactly what i believe you are "tryn" to do....maybe youfeel if you talk the talk it will eventually lead you to walk the walk...kind of like fake it, til you make it...i pray for you tryn, i pray that it works for you, choosing to love her through it all...just don't lose "you" and "your needs"...marriage needs to be a 2 way street, i see that clearly now, if 1 is not checked in there is nothing..both need to be checked in, settling for less never works...i did that for too long....
its ironic, i settled for less for a really long time, but even when all was "ideal" ow #1 was still there.....i have just learned that settling for less just prolonged what would be inevitable for me, for my hurt...but i do find solace knowing that my kids have the life they do, had i left him way back when their lives may not have been so full of so many opportunities, not to mention that they have what i always wanted growing up, each other and 2 parents, a house/home, complete with the white fence ( no pickets)...the dog...i said no to all the other animals..
but you get the jist....
ukgirl: that is a long time...can you go visit them in between? do you have any hobbies? do you want to try anything new? take a trip to the states and visit with some new friends.. ...
as for your brother, i honestly don't know what to say, i assume he knows nothing of your sich, but why would he have to, i mean you heard what you heard, you could still open up dialogue with him and express you feelings on the subject and take it from there, use going through this shit with a friend, a close friend instead of you...this way you could speak from moderate experience where he is concerned....
hs: i wish you much luck and you have my prayers on this just friends thing....at the very least the pressure around sex for you is lifted, for now anyways...
I'm working on forgiving Dad first. After all, he's the first man in my life who abandoned me for OW. H's betrayal just heaped more crap on an already stinking pile.
weepy...this hit a nerve for me, i never forgave my father, i did learn to accept what he's done...in my sich it was the strangest double edge, my dad married my mom's sister, she had 3 kids, i was very close to these kids, say them all the time, they were also for the most part my only playmates, so when dad married my aunt i got to spend so much more time with my cousins, now step siblings...and i thought it was great, my dad wa emotionally unavailable, but i didn't care at the time because i go to have my cousins..then as i grew, keep in miind he married my aunt by the time i was 5 or 6, when dad wasn't there for the school plays, wasn't there unless it was something big, communion, confirmation and graduation, and i can't remember but i don't think he made the small time grad's, only high school....so anyways when i was like 12 he and i had this huge blowout and i told him he was nothing more then my bilogical father, he cried, i cried, nothing was ever resolved....eventually i lost my cousins too, they chose to believe what they were told about thier mother marrying my father, disagreements ensued and those realtionships especially one with the female cousin pretty much ended, with minimum contact...contact with my dad was reduced to some holidays...he was an even shittier grandfather....and when i got married knowing all the trouble my future inlawas were giving me, he still never stepped up...anyways i am rambling on and on...bottom line, i learned to accept him for the man he was and the man he would never be....when he died, the small dream that i held onto also died, theone wher he would sincerely apologize and "OWN HIS SHIT"..omg i just had one of those light bulb moments....my wh does not truly own his shit, my god history does repeat itself...now i am replaying the phrase in my head, what you resist, persists...well i need to ponder this one..
just wanted to tell you weepy that i can relate
and look how much more i added in there, sorry for that ramble...
lh2: let me know how your therapy goes, even with the dad issues...maybe i could find some more insight..
((((fnf)))) i think of you often, if you do check in, know that you are missed
lovin: everytime you whisk in and out its like a beath of fresh air, much needed freash air...
[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 9:04 AM, October 7th (Wednesday)]
Iwantamiracle… That fair to say… “while I talk myself into happiness”… I did make a choice to love. It was a real choice for many reasons and it’s working. I don’t hurt often and feel some happiness coming back. Do I think about it daily? Yes, I still do. A lot of my thoughts are about what I can do to be better in my R. Try to spin it positive. We are having some fun together and loving each other. Trust? I have now made a decision to trust. Do I feel safe? Not yet, I still feel she may have a need or want to see OM. But I don’t think it would be so easy this time. If it happens, it happens. I’ll cry and move on. My W also has made a choice to love me too. It is a 2-way street. She doesn’t like to talk about what she did. I really don't need any more info... she did it. What she's doing now is trying to be a better W.
Have a good one!
I think the emphasis on TRUST and TRUTH was for himself not me.
Calgon take me away to someplace with no stress.
very well said ejs5 so i think we should all raise our drinks and toast to that one.....and if the calgon can't do it maybe the booze can...
i think i feel silly today...
I can't change the past, but how am I supposed to move forward???
something tells me my sarcasm is going to run some overtime tonite...i'm sorry i digressed....
((((broken))) it just all sucks...i wish i could wave a magic wand for all of us...
are you in ic? and you might want to get out some books, being proactive helps...and of course posting here on si.....
be patient with yourself you are still raw, your d-day is still fresh...time does help....
hoping everyone else is finding some peace, it almost too quiet in here...
I am seeing the doctor today about possible AD's. I really hope that they will help me to gain some sense of control in my life again. I really, really, really want to move past this and move forward, but since he is still in the proverbial "fog" and not exactly remorseful, I told him I cannot make a choice to move forward until that happens. So, we discussed a separation and hopefully, I will find some happiness in other things! I also told him that I am NOT waiting around for him to come around and feel bad about his actions. When he gets to that point - which I am confident he will - I told him to tell me and I will decide if I am ready to move forward at that point. He says he hates being in limbo like that, but I see it as he has me in limbo as well...
[This message edited by brokenheart09 at 12:04 PM, October 12th (Monday)]
u stated that your husband is still in the "fog". if that is so then you need to go 180, like yesterday....do tothe healing library and look it up and put into affect....
please please take care of yourself too, your kids need a healthy mom and when gong through al this shit its real easy to let go of our health..so don't let that happen to your kids....
very quiet in here....hoping that all of the wonderful people in this forum are doing well or at least having some peace...
AD... how about you?
you post wherever you need to, thats the beauty of this site...i know i unfortuantely qualitfy for way more threads in icr or in the other forums....but this thread here is one of my favorites...i love the people in here and it feels really safe.....
and yes, a big yes...its is scary quiet in here lately....so i am praying for evryone...
Broken - hon, you are still so close to dday. At this stage I know I looked like hell warmed over and I felt worse. I couldn't even think straight. The wise ol' LTAers gave me some great advice two years ago. First, baby steps. Take one day at a time and just get through that day. Over time you will be able to string TWO whole days together and you will know you are getting a little better. 2) Make sure you take care of yourself. You are the one grieving. An LTA is a loss of life as we thought we knew it. You need to allow yourself the time and space to grieve. But, don't wallow in it if you can help it. I found both exercise and shopping helped me enormously. If nothing else I have nicer clothes!
You have several stages to get through yet. I will never forget reaching the flat out RAGE stage around month 7 or 8. OMG the things that came out of my mouth! Then, onto the plain of lethal flatness for a really long time. Finally, I think I am entering the phase of trying to get to some kind of acceptance. I am certainly not happy that this is what turned out to be my life. That someone felt entitled to steal my truth from me. However, it happened and I don't want to spend every day for the REST of my life pissed about it. I need to get on with life for me, for my kids. I still haven't decided what role he will take in that life but my life needs to be lived.
Sorry I haven't been around. I have been busy and being here sometimes sets me back. I will try to be around more for some of the newbies.
[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 5:08 PM, October 15th (Thursday)]
It is good to "see" you!
Brokenheart. You have the dubious honor of being the first recipient on SI of my so called wisdom.
The advice you have been given here is very good. You are very early into this situation. Time does help, but you have to take it one day at a time. The lack of remorse from your WH is going to be a roadblock to your R. Hopefully he will see the light.
Something that disturbs me is your statement that he has been emotionally abusive for years. That is something that also needs to be worked on. That is not fair to you or your children. You need to consider this problem when you are deciding what to do with your life.
He hates being in limbo? Too bad. He would not be in limbo if he had made better choices. He is trying to blame you for his mistake. Do not take that blame. He needs to man up to his own actions. You need to look out for yourself and your children.
Repeating. Take care of yourself and your children.