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User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread X V I
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, November 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So lost...
I know relationships are a two way street....
Of course they are. But I think it is important to realize that even with that said, some people are just not capabile of having a healthy relationship.

I saw this and think it applies... If you are satisfied in your M... you can still cheat. If you are a person that thinks cheating is ok... then you cheat! If you put yourself in cheating environment.. you will likely cheat.


First is quality. I think a LTA is someone that does have a Satisfying quality relationship.. But for some reason they are weak and fell for lust or something like that. They are happy or "cake eaters" so they don't leave...

They also may have the second & Third for sure. They lack ethics or personality flaw of some sort. So what can you do with people like this? I set new boundaries and she is still learning them!

So she text her new boss on Sunday to talk about the Colts Game... I told her that's fine, but that is out of my boundaries! And told her how that made me feel... like crap! lol... She said she would respect that, but she didn't want to be a person she is not. I'm thinking... OK you are a person that cheats, and cheats with your boss... is that the person you are? But I chose to lover her instead by not saying a smart ass comment. She has a disposition to cheat. So if she wants to text, that is her choice, but she will face the Consequences if that continues. And I will be a lion when I need to make that decision.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:50 AM, November 17th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
hurt789
♀ Member
Member # 20937
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, November 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When does it end. The pain and knowledge that your whole life was a lie. The moments and memories you thought were happy, that you were proud of, were all fake. Can the WS ever make up for it? Why do we want them to? It so hard to realize that the happiness you felt for years and years wasnt real. Realizing that you were never happy because it was all a cover up. How do BS get through or over this. What keeps us going. How do we know what true happiness is if we really never had it, we thought we did, but it wasnt. Why do WS stay married in a lta. They found someone else that was so much more important to them then their family. Why stay? Is it because they dont want to be preceived as a failure. Why do they say they didnt love the AP. Of course they did. They choose the AP over thier BS for years and years. Hearing my WH tell people how long we have been married wears me out. He shows pride when he says we have been married 21 years, yet he cheated the whole time, therefore there wasnt a marriage. Is it them just trying to look good? I don't know what to do. How did you make the pain go away. How did you find the will to live. How do you overcome the feelings of knowing the person that you married thought you werent good enough. No matter what you did or how hard you tried, it was never enough. Knowing the person you married has never been honest, how do you R? How do you know what is real? How do you know if they are in R just to feel they are doing the right thing, yet all those years they were truly happy with the AP. Are you a strong person for staying, or weak. How do you know truly what one persons intentions are? If the last 20 years of marriage was all fake, what would make the next 20 years real? Why do they all say, after they get caught, that the BS is the one they want to be with. They never did during the A. What goes through their head that changes their mind. If they are so afraid of loosing thier BS, why not end the A. Why even start the A. My WH admitted that he had been thinking of what he could of done better to not get caught. He admitted this to me to be open and honest. OMG. That is telling me he wish it didnt end. Then he tells me he is more in love with me now then he can ever remember. How he has never been happier. WTF! He is loving life! Well of couse, look at what he got away with (Cause I am still here..) This is a bigger ego boost then then the A !!
He says I will never understand cause I am not an evil, manipulative person like him. That he is working every day not to be that kind of person anymore, because of me, because he never wants to see the pain he has caused in my look, my voice, my heart, anymore.
How do I believe. What if its all just telling me what he thinks I want to hear. Why do that...why do they keep us around if we werent the ones giving them what they truly wanted. If we never fullfilled thier needs, their desires, their happiness, what makes them think we will now?

I am just confused and venting and having a rum at coke at 9:30 in the morning. I just needed an outlet. No replies needed.


BS 40
WS 43
MARRIED 20
TOGATHER 22
1 PERFECT DAUGHTER
DDAY7/13/08
LTA - ALWAYS


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, November 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is for Hurt789... Inflydelity! So you feel like a fool?

This is all part of infidelity... feeling like such a fool... but think about it this way... No way possible to be that fly on the wall... until the door swings open to discovery.

[This message edited by trynhard at 11:43 AM, November 17th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, November 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is UK's... since I first learned the term from her... lol.. I call this Fat cat...

All are here.. http://www.flickr.com/photos/44718929@N07/

[This message edited by trynhard at 1:53 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, November 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurt789.

Wow. That is a great vent. I would guess that most of us LTA BS have asked all of those questions at sometime.

Something that you have to buy into, is the fact that the A really has nothing to do with you. It is the WS that was weak, sick and at fault. Understanding that is easier said than done.

My WW also chose to be with OM when she could have been with me. I answered some of his calls and handed her the phone. This while she was getting ready to go to a business dinner or meeting. Of course some of those were "dates." She hugged and kissed me goodbye and away she went. I was right Fing there. How could it not be about me? I know it wasn't, but it is hard to see it that way. Yes it makes you feel like a fool.

He is correct. We BS will probably never understand, because we don't think as they thought.

Rum and coke in the morning. I have done that. There is a saying that goes something like this. "If you are going to drink all day, you have to start in the morning." Just remember, it can be habit forming.

lostsuol.

Thanks.

trynhard.

Thanks for the image. Action shot! Very good. Now I am really glad I did not go with old dumbass for my name. Glad you were at the game.

It is hard to not make those smart ass comments. I can see why you wanted to say that. It seems that since she has moved on, she thinks her behavior should not bother you. Those "little" things to them are huge to us.

miracle.

Yes I am very compassionate. I just don't forget being screwed over, A related or not. There are a few non A related men that I dislike almost as much the A related men. One goes back before my DD#1. I think that is a grudge.

About all the other stuff you wrote. I am at a loss for words at the moment

Tribe.

The days are short on light and long on darkness. Holidays are approaching. To me and many others this can be a little or a lot depressing. I just hate this time of year. Even before DD#1 & #2 I felt this way. I am looking forward to spring. It is just around the corner.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, November 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Dipstick... I am really glad you did not go with old dumbass too! Lol… that might have been X-rated!

I can look back and see that if I had stronger boundaries, I might not be here today. I really never discussed some feeling to my wife. I think it was out of fear, pride, ego, complacency or whatever. She crossed boundaries… calling OM for sometimes 30 minutes plus… long lunches… after hour drinks… always when I’m away on business or coaching kids… Those fall under that “social scenario” part in the chart. Since she had a history of have sex outside our M back in ’88 without my knowledge, she also had a disposition to be open to another A. I am just one of those guys that have a “strict” disposition against cheating for myself and thought my wife had the same...(like us all I guess) I knew guys that cheated I always thought they were scummy. Guys brag about cheating too. I always took a position of.. it’s none of my business. Not any more. lol… I pity the guy bragging to me…lol

So she knows my boundary… I don’t want to be a person that has “one on one” lunches, after hour drinks, texting or calls with some other man. If she does happen to go, I want to know who, how long, etc… and volunteered to me… not me having to discover it. And frequency is going to be a problem. All this makes it pretty hard to have an LTA. I think for the A to take place, unconditional trust must take place.

So the other night when it happened, it was kind of like a she’s being friendly with her boss because she sees him everyday... wham a text. I’m like, WTF? She says she understands.

Oh well… I’ll be trying not to visit the SI site so much… going to try and move on to other things with hopes I can have a day I don’t think about her A.

Peace to all….

[This message edited by trynhard at 1:02 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, November 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am looking forward to spring. It is just around the corner.


Now tat's a positive attitude! I was just thinking today that my sunshiny days are numbered....old man winter is on his way!

tryin hard, what a great picture of how an affair can work. I think my H did not have definite views. He cheated before on a high school girlfriend and I don't think felt particularly bad about it. Got cheated on by theone he thought he woudl spend hi slife with adn was devastated. i would think that woudl be enough not to do it to someone else.

((((hurt789))) Well, those are the questions of the hour. How do we get through it? Do we get through it? I wish I had some answers. This whole 'preocess' is just painful.

It has been 2 weeks since MC appointment where they pretty much told H to shit or get off the pot (ok, they actually did say that!). Nothing has changed. Slightly more affection, but not much. No sex. No planned outings or anything. Nothing has changed. He has chosen not to do what I asked, not to try. He has chosen to do nothing and sit and hope that I stay around.

I will stay for Christmas. I won't ruin it this close to the time, for the kids. But what about after that? Do I have the guts to leave? Is it the right thing? Can we get through this?? MCs both said we have put so much work in the last two years...both of us, that it is going to be a journey. Sometimes it is never enough and I guess that is what i need to figure ou. They said 2 years out, we are the exception. Most have split by now.

I reminded H's IC/MC that I told him it woudl take the length of the affair (4 1/2 year) to get us through to where we might work and he had scoffed and laughed at me. He looked sheepish adn said well, I think you may be right.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, November 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

trynhard.

I know what you mean about not hanging out here as often. This place can really consume some time and you sure will not get your mind off the A by being here.

What you say about the WS having one affair makes the WS open to another makes sense to me. However, I looked at that from the opposite side. My WW was so ashamed and remorseful, that I was sure she would not do that again. I did not have all this info about low self esteem, external validation, SAB, etc. I saw it as getting it out of her system, and falling for a predator. A well know and successful predator. BTW, the predator was close to tears when I was delivering my NC speech. Tears of fear.

Of course a WW with my W's mental issues is very succeptible to the predators out there. OM#2 was one. She said it took some time but he managed to reel her in. I think your chart is correct about the social scenarios.

I do not think my W is wanting or ready to cheat again, but I thought that before. The difference now is that she has so little opportunity it would be hard to do.

We do not text. I really do not understand the attraction to texting. If we did, I would not like it if she was texting another man. Of course one on one lunch and other meetings with another man are out! Forever.
You are right. The unconditional trust is how I was so easily used. I suppose that is true for us all.

It is funny what you said about the guys and their bragging about their big scores. I worked with several of those. I always wanted to duct tape their mouths shut.

So Lost.

I'm sorry to read that he is still not trying. It is a bad feeling when you are thinking that what ever you do, it is not enough. Just try and not get down on yourself. It is him that has the problem, not you.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, November 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For all of you who are struggling with the "who is this person" and "how could they do this to me?" I highly recommend a reading of this thread..

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=326338

It took me almost two years to realize that I never WANTED to know who my H was. I had projected all kinds of things onto him that I needed but weren't part of him. I need to continue to work on that.

Tryn, I wise woman (UKG) once told me when I was struggling and trying to hard that it is like fighting a riptide - the more you swim against it the more exhausted you get and you don't get anywhere. Sometimes you need to swim in a direction that seemingly doesn't make any sense to get back to shore.

So Lost - if your H isn't willing to do what is necessary then you need to do what is necessary for you. You know by now that NOBODY (not you, not an IC, not the MC) is going to force him into change. He is the only one who can change himself and, at this stage in his life, he needs to want change badly to do the work that is necessary to make it happen. You can only judge if he is doing what is necessary for *you* not for himself.

The pain and knowledge that your whole life was a lie. The moments and memories you thought were happy, that you were proud of, were all fake. Can the WS ever make up for it? Why do we want them to? It so hard to realize that the happiness you felt for years and years wasnt real. Realizing that you were never happy because it was all a cover up. How do BS get through or over this. What keeps us going. How do we know what true happiness is if we really never had it, we thought we did, but it wasnt.

Hurt, I have learned to look at my life *independently* from my H. Yes, back then I thought it was an "us" moment. And, surprisingly, he still feels that way. I now know that this was my journey and, to some extent, it was a journey alone. However, those happy memories - the ones with the kids, the first time I tried something new, the fun party, the laugh with friends, all of those memories are authentic memories for ME! He is just learning the joys of leading an authentic existence and that can only happen when you are true to yourself. What you believed was your marriage is dead. Yes, that was a sham. But your life, the one you led and celebrated still exists. Be at peace with yourself that you lived the life that you could at that time and know that you did your best.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Hump Day Tribe!

HurtShirley,

I have learned to look at my life *independently* from my H.

Good for you, and wise words indeed. It sounds like you are doing well and moving along. Glad to hear...

SoLost,

It makes me really sad to see the struggle you are going through. Like everyone else has said, it is about your H and not you. Everyone is unique and beautiful and so are you! Don't lose yourself because of your H's choices. Stand strong for yourself, and nurture you!

(((UKGirl)))

(((LH2)))

Miss ya's!

((((IWAM))))

Gotta tell ya, you say the funniest things and make me laugh. How refreshing you are. I am very sorry that you are amongst us, but not sorry you are here! You bring and share your laughter and that is wonderful!

(((tryn))) and (((olddipstick)))
sorry I don't visit often enough to have gotten to know you's, but welcome to the Tribe!

Life here is good! I am not ready for the short days and cold nights, but will use them to find some much needed motivation!! And rest!

This will be the 3rd holiday season since we have been in R and I have every belief that it will be as wonderful as the others. It will probably be my daughters last one at home, but hopefully not!

If I had one message to share that helped me the most it would be to live in the present... because we, BS and WS, can NEVER go back... only forward. Live for today and let the everyday miracles bring a little joy and laughter into your life. Every day is a gift!

Keeping everyone in my thoughts and prayers!

Lovin


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This one is for ejs5
I call this... The Reconciliation Ride

I always have images of every poster... you inspire me and I live my feelings through you.... these things sometimes take an hour... sometimes 15 minutes... I am getting good at Adobe CS3 and want to do one for all...until I move on... If anyone is every offended, please let me know. peace and love to all the tribe poster...

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:03 AM, November 18th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lovinlife and hurtShirley… thanks for the post. I come here and I know it helps me. I would say that today, I am a better man, a hurt man, but better. I’m sure my hurt will go with time… and on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the best, I’d say I’m a 7.5 on recovery.

old dipstick...No doubt it takes getting caught before behavior can change... And with that said, some people do change, and some don’t. I know my wife has changed.

Let me review some of what is different for us today vs. before D-day…

Pre- Work with OM
Today- Quit and chose me

Pre- Mostly told “no” to sex
Today- Says yes to sex and more romantic (not a no since before July 4th)

Pre- Most every time not a word at greeting
Post- Kiss and hug at every greeting

Pre- quick to get Angry at me over stupid stuff
Post- Not angry at me over stupid stuff

Pre – Never snuggled or touched me
Post- Snuggles close to me every morning before we wake

Pre - never shared feelings
Post – write each other several times a week with feelings

Pre – hid her smoking
Post – doesn’t hide her smoking

Pre – did not spend time alone with me just talking
Post – Talk with no distractions at dinner, home, or on a walk

Pre – never phoned me to see how my day was going
Post – I get calls everyday… sometimes twice a day or more!

Pre- lived lies and secrets
Post – lives in reality(I think? lol)

Pre – I took no antidepressant
Post – I take an antidepressant

Pre – never a thought about relationships
Post – everyday thinking about her A and our relationship

pre - no "discussed" boundaries
post - boundaries

pre - never heard I love you
post - I hear it almost eveyday

Peace to all!

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:16 AM, November 18th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lovinlife $ hurtshirly.

Thanks, it is nice to read what you post.

trynhard.

Nice art work again.

Your list of pre DD & post DD is interesting. Much different than mine.

The things that are changed for us are the job change the boundries, and the living in lies. (I think)

I was almost never told no to sex. She would initiate as often as I did.

Always a good greeting, did snuggle and touch. Shared feelings, except the A related feelings. Did get calls but this was all before cell phones so sometimes calling was not very convenient.

She always told me she loved me. Several times a day. I know that hearing those words is important, but after DD when she said that, it kind of bugged me. At times I almost wished she would not have said I love you during the A. Those word sounded hollow and phony post DD. I got over that with time.

She does get mad at me over stupid stuff. Always did. She also gets that way with other people, so it is not just me.

I guess I had better stop my ramble. Miracle will start to attack old dip and make up new names to call me.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIRACLE !!!

"Instead of counting candles,
Or tallying the years,
Contemplate your blessings now,
As your birthday nears.


Consider special people
Who love you, and who care,
And others who’ve enriched your life
Just by being there.


Think about the memories
Passing years can never mar,
Experiences great and small
That have made you who you are.


Another year is a happy gift,
So cut your cake, and say,
"Instead of counting birthdays,
I count blessings every day!"

Have a great day, Miracle.

LH


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Miracle! I just celebrated my 40th on Monday. I always knew that I liked you- you are a Scorpio, too.

Popping in to say HI to the rest of the TRIBE too!!! Nice to see some men on here, giving our forum a more balanced perspective. You guys contribute A LOT! I lurk and read them all.

I don't come to the Board too often because I don't have a lot to report. After dday 2 with my H things changed in me. I'm giving him a second chance basically because of our young children, but I now see his infidelity for what it is: an addiction. A life long struggle. He is not in the "once made a huge mistake" category that many FWS are- for him the acceptance/validation is a coping mechanism. For this reason I have implemented some changes and wait to see if he is proactive in his recovery.
For now, I am focusing on 12 steps of recovery dealing with my food addiction and codependency issues. I've lost 21 pounds and am working Step 4. I hope to lose another 50 pounds or so within a year's time. I am requiring my H to go back to school because he changed careers and has been unemployed. I require that he be able to support himself if I leave. I will leave/D him if there is a dday3. I am becoming more and more spiritual and also socializing more with strong women in a recovery program and that can relate to me.
My H has made some significant changes, but not fully to my satisfaction yet. But I realize that to get to his core issues through his IC it will take time. As long as he is invested in the family and not going outside to other women I will give him the time to make those changes if he can.

SO, I am living out the mantra of this board- I'm focusing on ME and my kids. And realizing I can not change my H, but I can change me and how I respond or what I will or will not tolerate. Funny how easy it is to say the words but harder to live them

Hugs to all,
HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday Miracle!!!

Hearbroken - good to "see" you. You sound like you have come to a point of acceptance and now are waiting and watching. This really hit the spot for me:

SO, I am living out the mantra of this board- I'm focusing on ME and my kids. And realizing I can not change my H, but I can change me and how I respond or what I will or will not tolerate. Funny how easy it is to say the words but harder to live them

so true, as it is hard for those of us who spent years living for and through another to live for themselves. I find now that I actually have some "extra" time and I hardly know what to do with it. Reaching out and reconnecting with friends that I had put on the back burner is a big one. Reading is another. Just taking time for a walk is so helpful. So I believe I am starting to just be.

However, one concern is that the more I focus on me the less I feel for him, KNIM? I don't *need* him as much so I don't *feel* as much. I am sure this is some dynamic that goes back to childhood and is another issue that I will need to work on but it just feels weird.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwantamiracle... it is your Bday? My rose to you! Notice the lucky horseshoes...

Whatever you do today, don't let those men blow out the candles!


p.s. I wish I had my image of you finished for your bday, but spending extra time on it...

[This message edited by trynhard at 12:32 PM, November 18th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just wanted to say thankyou for my birthday wishes...they mean more then you could know....lh2 you little minx....

you all made me cry! happy tears.......thank you...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HAPPY

HAPPY

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

lOVIN


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((hurt789))))))

If we never fullfilled thier needs, their desires, their happiness, what makes them think we will now?

Maybe he realises that all that was empty and superficial, giving the illusion of fulfilling his needs, desires and happiness, but turned out to be shallow and deceiving. Maybe he has realised that he lost so much more than he got, not just of himself but for himself too (your respect and love). Maybe he knows now that real happiness is found in the open sunshine, not in the dark underworld, that real love should make him stand proud and strong, not cower in secret. Maybe he sees that all he was looking for all those years, was always right there in front of him, in yours and your childrens eyes.

hurt, the questions you ask are the questions all of us who have never had a real M, ask of ourselves and our WS.
I am also almost 3 years out and still cant fathom out some of the whys.
I think at some point, I am going to accept that there would never be a good enough answer.

Who is he now? Who will he be tomorrow?Who will he be 20 years from now? Noone could answer that. One of the most painful truths I have learnt here at SI, is that there are no guarantees.
All we can do is live with what we know now and just take it as it comes. Any other idea of knowing for sure what will happen in the future, is just a fallacy.
One last thing before I get off my soapbox - instead of thinking of his wants and desires and happiness, how about thinking about yours?

***
Tryn,
Thank you for the pics. You are a star.
I dont know quite what to say about Dipstick's though.

***
SoLost,
The 2nd year is the hardest, no doubt.
Only you know what you will and wont live with. Whatever you decide, you know we will be with you. This is not your failure. Remember that.
For me, just knowing that I could leave, that I had choices, gave me some breathing space. All the best with getting through the holiday season. Try to focus on you and the children.

(((((SOLOST))))))

****
Hi Shirley.

Back at ye, Lovin!

****

HB, nice to see you.

SO, I am living out the mantra of this board- I'm focusing on ME and my kids. And realizing I can not change my H, but I can change me and how I respond or what I will or will not tolerate. Funny how easy it is to say the words but harder to live them

Hear hear!!! Good for you.Thank you for checking in. I will always remember you for giving us the buckets of white light.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


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