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User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread X V I
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, January 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle: no, there is no other OW, just "her". He says that they are through, but goes to see them almost every day when he is overseas. Did so, even when I was there (although I didn't know it at the time)

Checking his phone shows that he calls her every day for about 15 minutes. Tells me it's about the kids. I've told him that he doesn't call that often to us here when he's overseas. Gives the excuse that I'm a better mother and he can trust what I do more.

I guess, like all BS, I just want the pain to stop!!! It's like sometimes we are looking for a quick fix, whether it's to leave them (and in the long run, is it the best?) or to stay and we want it "fixed" right now!!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, January 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest.

I'm sorry you are here. You do have a bunch to deal with. I agree that you can not let others tell you what to do. You need to take it slow. Everyone here has asked themselves the same questions you are asking. It looks like there are no easy answers to this problem. I wish you well and am sending you good thoughts. Come here often for some good advice and comfort.

njgal.

Sorry you are having a rough time. Have you seen bordom & resignation in your C's eyes before? Could she have just been tired, not feeling well, or maybe she is dealing with some kind of personal problem? Remember, they are just like the rest of us. They have good & bad days too. If you think she is bored next time, ask her about it.

Merci Madame miracle.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
What?  Posted: 4:06 PM, January 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey everyone ... hello newbies to this thread ... we have some really great members of this thread and they give amazing advice and support ...

been having a pretty good week since I last posted ... can't complain for once ...

Only thing that has come up is I got my w-2's yesterday and mailed them off to stbxwh today ... he is going to file taxes as married more $$$ ...

then after that he will be doing the D thing ... so I really don't have any emotion about that yet ... don't know if I am in shock, numb, or just don't care anymore ....

I have not broke the 180 again since the last time I think it was over a week ago that I did ...

so that is my update ... just waiting on the roller coaster to start again and praying that it does not ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, January 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

booger bear... So a new chapter of your life begins. Yes, There will be issues, problems, sadness, hard to deal with single parent stuff and those things... BUT TOO... It is going to be exciting. Think about the first new man that comes after you... He's gonna want you and lust for you... All those feelings are going to start to pop in your brain again... getting to know something new... You might even be able to live somewhere you always wanted too... Start a new career... I say after the D stuff is near over, the adventure of this new single life will be very stimulating...

JUST make sure you read "Sex on the Brain".. and I was at the book store and saw this one too called "101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged". Just be careful, a lotta nutheads around too... lol

You gonna get you a good man this next time.

honesttoafault.. Welcome... I had a vision about you and your thread... gonna put it too photoshop when I get a chance... You'll make my infidelity art collection.. listen to dip and I want.. wise folks...

And me...Getting back in the lion man groove again... Poker night!

Peace All...

[This message edited by trynhard at 4:40 PM, January 21st (Thursday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Happy  Posted: 4:26 PM, January 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thnx tryn ...

what an interesting pic of a rabbit ... lololol

and I am already moving in that direction so to speak ... I start school for my LPN Feb. 16th ... so yay me ...

and FYI we have no kids ... I lost my only pregnancy in sep. of 03 at 12wks ... hence the angel baby in my tag line ... HOWEVER we do have 3 four legged furry kids ... 2 of them are with him and 1 is with me ...

we have split custody of dogs ... that is kinda funny to me ...

and I absolutely am looking forward to where I may wanna live after I have my LPN ... my choices are limitless ...

anyway going outside to smoke and drink coffee my favorite past times now ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, January 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BB.. I’m so sorry I misread your miscarriage. I tend to put my foot in mouth at times… Just this morning my wife had “infection” and I make a stupid unloving comment.. “is it STD?” After thinking about it, I felt the need and did apologies this afternoon. forging ahead!

Keep your spirits high and always think positive! Way to go on LPN!! A great job...

[This message edited by trynhard at 4:36 PM, January 21st (Thursday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, January 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest....I am so sorry to read your heartbreaking story!
What a betrayal! 3 children!
He truly was leading a double life, wasn't he?

Now.... you need to do and demand what is best for you.
For him to say he doesn't believe in IC or MC is ridiculous!!!!!
He has completely screwed up two women's lives! And...he has screwed up all of his children's lives! And , he is making decisions about whether or not therapy is a good idea?
His decison making has been horrible for many, many years...
You have a right at this point to call all of the shots!
If he wants to stay married to you then you are going to set down the ground rules.
You have to decide what you need and what you can and can't live with!
Even when it comes to the OC...
You know..in many divorce situations...the children travel across country etc. to spend the entire summer with the father....
this way he has no contact whatsoever with the children's mother.
I know the kids in this case are young.... but, maybe that's something for you to consider.....for the future.
Or make a demand as to you need to go with him when ever he travels to see the kids....
The tables have turned and now you are in control-not him!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
DOH!  Posted: 4:58 PM, January 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no prob tryn ... don't worry bout it ... I am ok over the baby thing ... now I have to get ok with the A thing ...

ugh ... almost rather go thru the baby thing again ... at least I would have stbxwh to lean on ... he was truly wonderful during that time ...

but now that I look back that is where our M problems began ... as I could never get over the baby and took out my grief and frustration on him ...

for a long time he was ok with it ... as it was understandable and to be expected ... but alas all the bs I put him thru he began to believe and the rest is history ...

anyway moving on right looking to my future ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
fairyfriend
♀ Member
Member # 11208
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, January 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

boogerbear,

Ahem. I must take exception with what you wrote.

but now that I look back that is where our M problems began ... as I could never get over the baby and took out my grief and frustration on him ...

Even if you did take out your frustration on him, he had options other than to have an A. Problems in the marriage are NOT equal to an A.

Hugs,

ff


DDay 1--Feb 99
Crappy IC, false R--spring 1999
A ended around April, 2003
DDay 2--September 26, 2004
DDay 3--September 26, 2005 when I found out the REST of the truth
8/8/09--Doing very well due to hard work on my and H's part

Posts: 1607 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: far north Chicago suburbs
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
What?  Posted: 5:39 PM, January 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thnx fairyfriend ... I really know that in my heart and soul ...

it is just so hard for me to except that ... even 6+ months out I still find myself blaming me for his desire to have an A ...

not the actual A mind you just the need for him to feel unloved by me enough to feel the need to try and find it somewhere else ...

I know he should have said something back in 2005 when he 1st became unhappy ... or when in 06 the EA began ... or again in 07 when the PA began ... or anytime in all that time ...

but he didn't and I just continued being awful ... and he just continued not saying anything to me and letting his feeling fester ect... and then bam enter OW and the whole A mess ...

I really wish I could find it in myself somewhere not to blame myself for being the egenine(sp) in the whole A car ... you know like driving the whole thing ... but not actually responible for the actions of the driver and the wreck of the car, or M in this case ...

hope that all makes sense I know I ramble a lot ... and I really do want to not blame myself for any of this I just find it so hard not to ....

anyway I could go on and on ... but I won't ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
fairyfriend
♀ Member
Member # 11208
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, January 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand, boogerbear. I think it is pretty normal for us BS to feel so devastated that the person we trusted completely could cheat on us. We look around for a place to lay the blame and often look in the mirror and think somehow something we did caused our WS to cheat.

Nope, s/he did it all by her/himself. S/he CHOSE to cheat. (Nothing says "I love you" like having sex with OP! )

Part of healing from a WS' A is for the BS to refuse to accept any blame or responsibility for it. Absolutely, we should own our responsibility for our part in any problems in the marriage. But remember, some BS are practically perfect in every way and still get cheated on. Some people are just plain AWFUL spouses and don't get cheated on. (Sort of how many WS are during an A, and yet most BS don't turn into WS just because they are being treated badly by the WS!)

Huge hugs,

ff

Edited to correct a punctuation error

[This message edited by fairyfriend at 6:06 PM, January 21st (Thursday)]


DDay 1--Feb 99
Crappy IC, false R--spring 1999
A ended around April, 2003
DDay 2--September 26, 2004
DDay 3--September 26, 2005 when I found out the REST of the truth
8/8/09--Doing very well due to hard work on my and H's part

Posts: 1607 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: far north Chicago suburbs
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, January 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Booger...I am so sorry for your loss.
And, like everyone else said-you are NOT to blame for your husband's affair!
I see a pattern with many affairs....when the going gets tough...some spouses seem to feel that an affair will be just the thing to take their mind off of things.
So often, you read about situations where the couple is dealing with really difficult things and instead of being there for the spouse the husband will have an affair!
Look at John Edwards!

In my case... we were dealing with a really serious health issue (including hospitalizations)with our daughter....
the affair started about 6 months after the medical crisis began...


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, January 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Booger, I'm sorry for your loss. You were devastated, but YOU didn't have an affair. Some people get upset and turn to drugs and alcohol. You can't blame thier spouses that they decided to drink!!

Everyone handles death differently. My daughter was full term, but died at the age of 4 months due to a chromosomal disorder. I took it hard, WH actually tried to discourage me from going to the IC unit every day. She was his first child. When he had first OC with OW, he named her the almost the same name as our daughter! (why am I hesitating about leaving him?)

Hang in there. You are in my thoughts.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 7:56 PM, January 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh my honest ... my heart breaks for you ... having to deliver my baby at 12wks was hard ... we were comforted by the fact we did it that way and were given the chance to hold him ...

the docs said the babies yolk sack was to big which is a chromosone thing ... however my doc thought we were clear of the miscarriage possibility because I was entering my 2nd trimester ...

well not so ... anyway I really have a point ... the man I married before the baby and even for a little while after the baby was truly amazing ...

he now seems almost to good to be true ... I can hardly remember him like that ... that good man has been tainted by the last few years of lies and deceit ...

how somebody can take away all the good parts of my life all my good memories and taint them all with his betrayal is just so beyond me ...

I not really venting and my mood really has not changed ... I am still in a good mood ... I more of in a pondering/wondering state ...

I have so much of myself and my life ... so many of my memories to reclaim from this A ... the good ones ... the ones I deserve to have back ...

The hard part is going back thru all those memories and times ... and assigning a date/time to it ...

was it in 2005 ? the year he says he became unhappy and said nothing ...

was it the end of 06 or start of 07 ? when he says the EA started ...

was it during the summer of 07 or after ? when the PA started and is presently going on ...

if those memories ect are from any of those years they are all a lie ... if you read in my profile you will see how long we have been together or known eachother ...

what that leaves me with is about 7-8 years of good memories ... out of 13+ years that we have known eachother 11+ which we were together ...

I know that is soooo much more than several have ... and I am not comparing by any means ...

it just seems like a daunting task to do that ... and I almost just want to scap the last 13+ years of life like we never met ... never friends best friends 1st ... then dated and ect ...

Just trash it all ... it seems like it would be less painful than sorting out these memories go here and these go here ...

I am so rambling right now but I just really needed to get this all out ... and once I start it just get's away from me and I can't stop ...

again I am not comparing my years to those with none or less than what I have ... I view those 7-8 yrs as a gift I guess ... just one I don't wanna open or sort thru yet ...

please forgive me if I have offened anyone it honestly is not my intention and I truly apologize if I hurt or offened you in anyway ...

I love you all ... and BTW this is my favorite thread you all truly great ... K I am gonna shut up now before you all ban me ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, January 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Booger: no offense!! It's crazy, it's almost like I feel like I'm 2 people. One person is someone who got over her first husband cheating and after 20 years, I did forgive him. I still have memories of how I got through it.

With current WH, all the circumstances are different and I feel I'm not the same person.

But, Booger, from my former experience when xWH left, I found that I had to give myself a "Vacation" for a month or so from trying to figure anything out. I'm not saying to sweep it under the rug, but take a break from trying to analyze it. I still grieved.

After a while, you can try to take it out and analyze it and see the truth. It wasn't all lies. Some time in the future, (probably many years from now) you'll fully see the broken man he is and was.

Right now, just concentrate on doing for YOU. Do things YOU like that maybe he didn't. Things that you used to compromise on (we all do)

Baby steps. You can do it.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, January 22nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry about the miscarriage. It's so hard. I've had 5, and also a vanishing twin in this pg. The saddest thing for me now is that I've learned to expect them. Still, I'm sad when I think about my angel babies.

Ok -- I'm weighing in for opinions here. I never did update about my session with WH's IC and WH.

I might jumble this -- sorry.

Well, my WH went earlier than me and so He and his IC were ready to be really productive when I got there.

My WH did figure out why he did it. I could just kill him but at least he was honest. He said it made him feel young and it was easy (translation: she's easy) and it was exciting to take a risk. Ugh. I told him to take up skydiving.

You know, there are only two reasons that I've even considered R with my WH and these are the reasons: first, our marriage has been horrible for the last 3 years and I've been unable to get his attention the entire time. And now I have it, thanks to discovering this bullshit. And -- I have no idea how a person could think this way -- but he's been really, really shocked that I would consider divorcing him *just* over this. I have NO idea how a person could consider this NOT a deal-breaker, but it's really obvious that he just didn't. So why my brain thinks "why would he risk everything for THIS" I've come to realize that really, he didn't because he only thought he was risking pissing me and her BH off, not his whole life.

So, his IC emphasized that he can never, ever, ever do this again (I think he read me well right away) and quite a few more times than I'd have liked (because it gave me the impression that there's a good darn chance that my WH is going to F it up.)

And he suggested MC for us. He told me that he and WH are going to be talking about this, but that WH isn't really that introspective of a guy and just the fact that he actually figured out why he did it is a big deal for him. He said MC would probably benefit us even though neither of us really are keen on going. He could tell by the way we interact with each other that we're not so good about communication with the hard stuff and we give each other too much emotional space (not enough intimacy) So, I'm giving it some thought. My feeling is, if we give it a try and don't like it then we've lost nothing other than a couple hundred bucks and an hour or so of our time. And we've got the $ -- it's not a problem there.

Ok -- so this is turning into a manifesto -- but this is what I think. My WH said that if this is enough to end a marriage it must not be a very good marriage to begin with. Food for thought. I thought about it all night -- couldn't sleep. And the lightbulb went on that he's right, it really hasn't been that good of a marriage and THAT is the really big problem.

So -- I'm thinking of taking what I think is a HUGE risk here. I've listened to my IC and read books and read everything here on SI... so I know this is a risk. Here's what I'm going to do (unless y'all talk me out of it...)

I'm just going to forgive him and forget it for the most part. Crazy, no? I think he's told me the whole truth about this relationship -- he's had sex with OW 9 times in 6 years, sometimes with years in between encounters. That's pretty darn sporadic and I caught him -- and I caught him based on nothing more than a hunch. I was even surprised who OW was. The hunch was based on his own behavior and THEN I went looking for evidence, etc. And, the thought he was acting totally normal.

So, I think I can take the risk of trusting him again, because I KNOW I can trust myself. If he does it again, I'm going to catch him. Maybe not right away -- but I will. I know him too well. He can't really hide anything from me even when he tries. Sadly, his wife understands him.

The IC asked what *else* he could do to show me he's committed to our relationship and to not doing this again and then he asked him and WH said he didn't think there was any one grand thing -- but as I've thought on it, going to see his IC with me really was the one grand thing. It was hard for him, darn hard and I had the chance to add some information and dispute a few things he said to his IC (with FACTS) and also he gave me his permission to call his IC as well. So, I've got an "in".

So, I think I'm just going to say to him: I forgive you completely and I'm going to go back to trusting you just as much as I always have because that is how I want to live my life. I still expect transparency two-ways forever b/c married people just don't need secrets from each other. You should think about the fact that I caught you even though this was pretty far under the radar. You could continue this a be more careful, but there are a lot of ways to get caught -- for example he got ratted out by the hairdresser one day, though I didn't realize it at the time. I'm going to tell him that if he ever has sex with another woman again I will assume that it means he wants a divorce and is too chicken to ask for it. Contact, unknown cells, emails ect will cause me to assume he's having sex with someone else b/c there is no other purpose for them.

I'm going to tell him that I know it's a risk to just forgive him like this and that I worry that I'm not fighting hard enough for our marriage by doing it and that I heard how many times his IC said don't do it again so I assume he's very tempted.

I'm going to tell him that our marriage does need work and that he might think I'm an uber-witch for a while until he sees that him putting in more effort makes me happier and less tired and gives us more adult time.

I'm also going to tell him that he has to do some serious thought about his boundaries and what he's going to do when this happens again because we all have opportunities and then I'm going to tell him explictly what I did to avoid having an affair with a persistent friend of ours who I am extremely attracted to who was pursing me a few years back. (And it I really did have to go to extreme lengths -- I finally had to tell the guy I'd tell his wife, that we couldn't be friends anymore, etc. and THEN I did tell his wife, not that he'd been hitting on me, but that I'm really attracted to her husband and she should actively keep him away from me because I'd hate to be horny and ticked at my husband and do something stupid that would ruin or friendship and possibly endanger her marriage and mine if he were stupid enough to take me up on it.)

And then, I'm going to tell him the three things that bother me most about him doing this and let it all go with the exception of us needed to improve our marriage.

Am I just insane?


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, January 22nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Honest
A few questions:
*Is the "OW" aware of you and your children?
*He has stated that he wants to remain M'd to you - so can we assume that he is going to D the other wife - inwhatever manner is allowed in her country? And you want evidence of this.
* Then you can both draw up contact arrangements which work for you and the OC.
* When he calls them, he really doesnt need to be talking to OW - just the children.

I cant imagine the pain you are in now. Look after yourself. Place your boundaries on what is acceptable for you at this time. Those OC are innocent in all of this - if the OW was aware that he was M'd- shame of her! No wonder he is worried about her parenting capabilities. Unfort there is no quick fix - however there are many steps he can take to help ease the pain he has caused.
Remember - right now, your priority is looking after yourself. Dont underestimate the effect of the pain you are feeling. Get yourself a good IC who is well versed in trauma.

All the best.

***
M33,
If you think that you ARE ready to forgive and move on, then good for you.
However given that your dday was pretty recent (Dec?), I guess being the sceptic that I am, I think you are rushing this a bit. Whether we like it or not, there are steps we HAVE to take in grieving.
My opinion - dont tell your H your thoughts on forgiveness at this time - its enough that you know it. He doesnt need to be reminded again and again that he has alot to lose if he messes up. You can put down your expectations on paper, like a R contract, if you like - So you BOTH know where you stand if he does break the rules.
Hang on a bit, M33. Allow your mind and body some time to process what has happened. Dont say anything so strong (like I forgive you and will forget) unless you are 100% sure - and he has proven that he is worthy of that statement.
Protect your heart.

***

(((((Tribe)))))


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, January 22nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. I need a few reality checks.

Actually -- Dec was when they admitted it, but I figured it out about two months prior to that.

I think I am ready, and I think I am protecting my heart. I know if he does it again I'll be disappointed, and probably hurt again, but I'm not going to be surprised, and I'm not going to waste any time wondering what to do either. I'll just be following through on an action I've become prepared to take that I suspect is inevitable.

But, maybe I'll get lucky and he'll surprise me. My only worry is that I'm going to feel guilty that I didn't do enough when he screws it up anyway. I'm about 90% sure he's going to screw it up. I think he's in this thing deeper than he thinks he is. He's telling himself it's not a real affair because they haven't had sex all that often, but they've had their families living in each others pockets for years.

He'll regret it if he does it again, because he'll really miss me and miss being a whole family; but I'm not so sure that's going to stop him. I'm not sure anything will stop him. He's a grown man, and he knows exactly what the score is now with me and he's going to make his own decisions, and I'm going to hold him to the consequences of them.

It reminds me of my first husband. He went kind of nuts (had his 1st major bipolar episode) and beat me up about 10 years into our relationship and I divorced him. The treatment he was getting wasn't working, etc. I loved him and felt sorry for him but the bottom line was that the guy was probably going to kill me. He would have been real sorry about it afterwards, but that wouldn't have done jack to help me.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, January 22nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest:

(why am I hesitating about leaving him?)

because you love him and you really want to believe...we have all been there or are there...

After a while, you can try to take it out and analyze it and see the truth. It wasn't all lies. Some time in the future, (probably many years from now) you'll fully see the broken man he is and was.

Right now, just concentrate on doing for YOU. Do things YOU like that maybe he didn't. Things that you used to compromise on (we all do)

what about you honest, can you follow your own advice?...it sounds like good advice...

booger:

and I am already moving in that direction so to speak ... I start school for my LPN Feb. 16th ... so yay me ...

YAY

and I absolutely am looking forward to where I may wanna live after I have my LPN ... my choices are limitless ...

choices are always limitless, its us humans who like to put the limits on them, so hooray for you to be able to see this truth of humanity...

but now that I look back that is where our M problems began ... as I could never get over the baby and took out my grief and frustration on him ...

for a long time he was ok with it ... as it was understandable and to be expected ... but alas all the bs I put him thru he began to believe and the rest is history ...

blaming yourself for his choices is not cool...he made them all by himself...if that was all that was needed to justify an affair, hell there would be far more affairs then there are now, and i would also be one of those people....my marriage was lousy, i had (have) a lousy husband...he was emotionally and verbally abusive, never did he put me or the kids first not even in times of great need (like tragedy)...and i never turned to another man, never even thought about it, considered it or would...i loved him beyond all measure...i gave him complete unconditional love....and i didn't cheat

your husband made a choice because of what was broken within himself, had he been more of a loving man he would have put both of you in therapy to deal with your tragedy

fairyfriend said it well:

Part of healing from a WS' A is for the BS to refuse to accept any blame or responsibility for it. Absolutely, we should own our responsibility for our part in any problems in the marriage. But remember, some BS are practically perfect in every way and still get cheated on. Some people are just plain AWFUL spouses and don't get cheated on. (Sort of how many WS are during an A, and yet most BS don't turn into WS just because they are being treated badly by the WS!)

this goes for you too njgal...there are no excuses or justifications that will ever make it right or understandable...there are always other choices....


honest, booger and m3: you all have suffered great loss, and for that you have my deepest sympathies...losing children at any stage is heartbreaking....i can't say i know how you feel because i don't, but i can say i am sorry for your pain...

tryn: bb picture put a smile on my face today...


m3: i need to go pick up my children from school but would like to address your post some time later when i have time...

until then 1 short sentence:

true forgivess is a gift for you...but only if it is true....

til later
((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, January 22nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Tribe. I’m seeing we have a couple of new posters in our LTA corner. At least you will find others who have been there and can sympathise with your situation. So welcome from an oldie.

ejs5, what’s the latest on this broken NC? Has your H stepped onto the slippery slope once again, and if he’s sorry for his moment of weakness, what has he done to try and put things right? She is going to be there forever at the click of a mouse (my H’s MOW is also on fuckbuddy facebook – and available to see), so what is going to prevent him in from clicking send next time? Sheesh. Unbelievable.

njgal –
some spouses seem to feel that an affair will be just the thing to take their mind off of things.
And some just feel that they have it all and just want the cherry on the cake. Oh, and the have their cake and eat it. While sitting on the fence surveying their surroundings and feeling sooooo fucking smug. Some just find “reasons” when the fact is they did it just because they wanted to.

Booger, take the memories that are YOURS and keep them as that. It was YOUR reality. It’s all too easy to trash everything that has happened in your life with this huge lie that your spouse has covered everything with. But, the fact is the good times were the good times. No one can keep up a front all of the time, day after day, year after year. When I look at photos (I have to say, I smile a LOT more than my H in photos), I think well, I was happy. And I was. And he can’t take that away from me. He made me happy then, so I accept that as my history. If HE was UNHAPPY and didn’t tell me, that was HIS problem. His. And don’t apologise. We all recognise where you are right now.

M334455

he's been really, really shocked that I would consider divorcing him *just* over this.

Umm, that’s because what he was doing was “different”. Always is. And because what you didn’t know couldn’t hurt you and he was still being the same at home (leastways in his head). Only when it all comes out does reality hit. They somehow don’t expect us to be upset cos they’ve lived with it for so long it’s become a way of life and so not a “deal breaker”. They didn’t leave us, so why would we leave them? Just shows how fucked up they were/are.
I'm just going to forgive him and forget it for the most part.

Forgiveness is something you do for you. When you can do it, you may offer it to your spouse, but essentially it has to be for you. And you have to reach that place first. Yes, it’s an aim, ; yes it’s desirable for your own emotional well being. But it’s not a given. You can make the choice to forgive, but you have to feel it deep inside. Don’t do it until you have that feeling. I would suggest to step back a little. It may be that you want what you had so badly that you will be sweeping this under the rug. Talk to your IC a little more first. Just sayin’…..

Honesttoafault (HTAF? Nah, I’ll just call you honest ), you have the OC forum for support as well as us lot in here. It sounds as though it’s a double whammy for you

Hi to the rest of the Tribe. love the pics and the poems!

[This message edited by UKgirl at 1:13 PM, January 22nd (Friday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
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