"Until then 1 short sentence." One sentence? Has this ever happened before?
To all the other Madames of the tribe I send my best wishes.
To tryn. I have my money on the Colts. Cheer hard for them please!
[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 8:17 PM, January 22nd (Friday)]
I don't have as much insight as many here but I will say that you sound exactly like me a few months ago. All I can say is that I don't think its a good idea to make a long term decision when you are "down." Sounds stupid I guess but I mean think and be patient with yourself. You are allowed to be sad. Be sad when you are sad. Don't pressure yourself to "get over it." As for waiting for the other shoe to drop- you need to decide where your line in the sand is (someone told me that here) and stick to it.
Until then 1 short sentence." One sentence? Has this ever happened before?
I'm just going to forgive him and forget it for the most part. Crazy, no? I think he's told me the whole truth about this relationship --
I think I can take the risk of trusting him again
So, I think I'm just going to say to him: I forgive you completely and I'm going to go back to trusting you just as much as I always have because that is how I want to live my life. I still expect transparency two-ways forever b/c married people just don't need secrets from each other.
I'm going to tell him that I know it's a risk to just forgive him like this and that I worry that I'm not fighting hard enough for our marriage by doing it and that I heard how many times his IC said don't do it again so I assume he's very tempted.
But, maybe I'll get lucky and he'll surprise me. My only worry is that I'm going to feel guilty that I didn't do enough when he screws it up anyway. I'm about 90% sure he's going to screw it up. I think he's in this thing deeper than he thinks he is. He's telling himself it's not a real affair because they haven't had sex all that often, but they've had their families living in each others pockets for years.
these are the paragraphs that jumped out at me from your last 2 posts...
you trust him, but you don't believe him..
you truly believe he will screw up
you assume he is tempted to do it again
you are working on your marriage...is he?...is he really working the way you want him to?..
and then there are just facts of recovering from an affair..
you will never forget
you will never trust him like you did before...blind trust is gone permamently
he needs to acknowledge everything in order to change it
he need to fix what is broken within him for you to feel any trust in him
and then there is forgiveness:
forgiveness is about you, about you letting go, this is a gift for you...on one hand you can forgive, letting go without the offender having done anything to earn it...but of course that forgiveness would be in a relationship that would no longer exist....
on the other hand there is forgivenss because the offender has done everything needed to help you heal so he has earned it and you are ready to let it go
i don't think you are ready for either way of forgiveness....
you ws has not earned it yet, and you are not ready to let go of the relationship...
right now maybe you could try for acceptance which is one of the steps to forgiveness...and hopefully you ws will give you the gift of helping you heal and in do doing give you both the gift of forgiveness....the goal we would all love to attain...
and i don't think you are insane, i think you love the man, i think you are reluctant to let the relationship go....and i think you want it, but wanting it does not make it happen...i wish it did...
o.k. dip...feel better now...
allgood: welcome to the lta corner...
of course you are discouraged...your ws has lied to you for several years, and then had trickle truthed you after d-day...that trickle truth is a killer....
right now you say he refuses mc...totally not cool...this will not only not help your sich but probably destroy whatever may be left...he is showing you that he does not want to do what it takes...and that is not good...
is he at least in ic?..i hope so...if not then you will need to face some really hard truths and i am so so sorry...
if your ic is not doing you any good, then get a new one...they cannot fix us, they cannot help us fix them...they can listen and help us help ourselves...to reach within to what we truly want, desire and most importantly need...and using their guidance tap into our own self-guidance....
if your ic is not doing any of this...get a new one....otherwise you are wasting your time...
for us lta'ers...too much time was wasted for us..so time is now valuable...and it should be used wisely to find healing answers and hopefully joy...
you are still new and raw, this is so much to take in and it is so overwhelming...
no decisions should be made yet except for ic and mc
and you need to take care of yourself, remember to breathe, exercisse and eat well....your mind is so injured so take care of the body....
hey ukgirl and lh2...good to hear from you...
Re the IC/MC dilemma - encourage your H to attend IC but if he doesnt, you carry on with yours. When he sees the positive effect this is having on you, this might encourage him to attend too. However you state that your IC is not going so well - so change. Dont feel forced to stay with an IC who is not working out for you. Interview a few and then choose one who is a good fit for you. One of the common sideffects for a BS after dday, is finding out how this "new" trauma has uncovered "old" traumas - FOO issues you have not dealt with suddenly all seem to pop up. Total Recovery includes recovery of the LTA as well as from those old issues - so finding a really good IC is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves.
when the time is right,you both will gravitate towards MC. Your H needs to know from now, that surviving from the mess he created and thriving after, is not a solo effort on your side- he needs to step up and put in everything he can to fight for you and this M. And show you that he IS committed to you.
And I dont care how hot the OW is on the outside (and neither should you) - her heart and soul must be well frozen to mess with someone elses H!
Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.
[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 8:43 AM, January 23rd (Saturday)]
I also look at this lta & think how could he really be happy with me
Do you have the courage, the will power, the emotional control, the mind power, to be able to R? This is your choice to make… Love is a choice.
Is your H willing to be the kind of person that can help you too? This is his choice to make. He must do some things… and the list is long.
But did not love her
All this is very hard. I am still 16 months out and still have feelings to leave my W.
Gotta go and enjoy the day.. trying to take big blocks of the day and not think about my W's nasty past! Peace out all.
[This message edited by trynhard at 9:51 AM, January 23rd (Saturday)]
you need to learn to listen to your inner voice, you gut otherwise known as your intuition...it is rarely if ever wrong....
that being said you must also give it some time....but trust in your instincts....making no permanent decisions or choices that you might regret later...but still trusting your instincts...it is a tightrope that you will be walking for now anyways...and a fine line between trusting your instincts yet not doing anything permanent about them...it just means that you protect yourself without making the decisions that would be final or doing something rash based on those instincts...
lh2 and tryn have given you wise advice as well...
and please remember to take care of yourself....breathe, eat right and exercise if possible...
You can't begin any reconciliation until you are certain that the affair is over! and..that there is absolutely zero contact between him and the affair partner.
Do they still work together?
How are you handling that?
How do you know that there is no contact?
Unfortunately, at one point or other all BS have to become detectives....
did not read all of your posts ... however you are in the right thread and there a couple more threads here in I can Relate that may be able to offer you some advice and support ...
and please start your 180 ... if R-ing is in your future with your WS then the 180 is a great place to start ... if just for your own sanity ...
Hey tribe ... still doing good here in booger bear land ...
I have been in a super high good mood the last couple days ... no drugs here
just very odd sense of I don't know what it is ???
but I am afraid of when it goes away ... I know this is all part of the roller coaster ... and I hope my next low is kinda equaled out by this latest high on the coaster ride ...
he has been adamant about his lack of loving feelings for the MOW since day one after d-day
IMO, of course your H loved her. Read this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love Pay close attention to the Interpersonal love part… and look up all the definition associated with these words too. Obviously, a LTA has intimacy, commitment, and passion. To think anything else IMO you are just kidding yourself. To accept this is very hard as a betrayed spouse. Love is a choice too, you can choose to love only one person, or multiple. Cheaters don’t even realize themselve they are loving two people. It takes some reading and study to understand what love really is. This topic has been studied for years and years.
I lust for other women all the time. Just last night I saw a lady and thought, Wow, I would love to do some… Well you know! But I chose not to love her. I chose not to pursue, say a word, asked on date, get her coffee, buy her anything, share my work life, tell her she looks great, walks great, rub her foot, show her what I have under my jeans, etc.. lol
True, they may have treated them like ONA, but they were in love. They committed to keep the A going, shared intimate physical things, confidences and various details of their personal lives, had passion for each other all those things that are Love. Have you read the 5 languages of Love? Every couple should be forced to read this.
It is amazing that today, now… I have now come to accept my wife was in love. I can say it, I don’t feel hurt about it, my emotions are not what they were when I was 1 month, 5 months, and even 11 months…. I am much better about it. Yes, I can still cry about it. I did last week for a very brief moment. That sadness went away quickly.
I so wish you all peace today! Go Colts!!!
This are some of my pictures I took last week!
this is for Dip
My D-day was January 1 of this year. I picked up my husband's blackberry and found an ongoing text message with OW. I confronted him immediately and he confessed to a 2 year affair with her. Well, a 2 year PA... the EA started before that. She worked for him at the time.
The EA started while we were undergoing fertility treatments. The PA started early in my pregnancy. It continued through my hospitalization for pre-term labor and subsequent months of bedrest. It continued, basically, until January 1. The babies (twins) are now 18 months old.
WH says that never wanted to tell me of the affair. He hoped to end it (he had tried several times) and then return emotionally to our marriage.
NC has been maintained since January 1. He has been honest. And I know he feels sorry and seems to feel some remorse, but admits that he is feeling "numb" and that it is hard not to be in contact with OW. He compared it to losing a best friend.
What I'm wondering is whether this is the "fog" that everyone talks about? And, more importantly, how is he going to feel about himself when he comes out of the fog?
I believe in the power of forgiveness. I believe that I can forgive him at some point. But I don't know how hard coming out of the fog will be for him...
For those FWH with LTAs... how was the experience for you? how long did it take?
This whole things seems out of character for him. We had an otherwise happy marriage. He had been noticeably emotionally absent for a long time, but I attributed it to stress related to work and having a very young family. And other than his emotional absence, I can't complain about him as a husband. He never said a mean word to me. He provided everything we needed, etc. So I don't know what to think.
Can anyone relate to this?
As to the ow - says he was attracted to her, liked talking to her, cared about her, but did not love her. Denies thinking about her unless I bring her up.
But the fact is that many LTA’s become just that out of habit and routine. It’s a kind of comfortable way to live and they get used to the lying and the living two lives. It’s easier than breaking up. Until it’s exposed and suddenly nothing is certain. Some also get to thinking it’s no big deal, or that because you didn’t know you shouldn’t be further hurt by the length of it, or that the WS had no intention of breaking up the marriage so that shows how much they must love you. Again:
He seriously felt that us just caring for each other the way we used to would be enough. Said he really doesn't know what to do. (Which I found remarkable as I've really spelled it out for him on a number of occasions.)
One e-book my FWH agreed to read (it’s short…..) was “Infidelity Crisis: How to gain forgiveness and respect after your affair” by Katie Coston. He found it useful.
Your H would benefit from IC and MC, but you cant make him do it; he has to realise it’s in his own interests to go. My H didn’t do IC because he had “dealt” with the affair in his own head. He just mentally shut the door on it and moved on and away from MOW. Maybe some people are capable of doing that.
In essence, it could be that your WH recognised quite early on that he didn’t really love her. Or did, but not enough.
Everything you have said pretty much sums up what has happened to a lot of us who have found ourselves in here. If you read my post to Allgone, you might find some of it relates to you too. It is also quite common (my H stated the same) that the WS hopes or assumes that the affair will just fizzle out and they won’t have to be proactive to finish it. Actually, it just trundles along until they get found out or they confess.
The missing of the OW and referring to her as his “best friend” is part of the withdrawal from the addiction to the affair. Not so much missing her as missing the attention. The feeling numb is self protection – he doesn’t really know what’s going to happen, so the emotions go into shut down and hibernation for the time being so that he can “think”. Emotionally, he’s gone to his cave.
For those FWH with LTAs... how was the experience for you? how long did it take?
LTA’s are very difficult to overcome, but it can be done. Are you in IC and/or MC?
[This message edited by UKgirl at 11:32 AM, January 24th (Sunday)]
We are in MC and the counselor has suggested that he starts IC to help him overcome his feelings of separation/loss. My feeings of anger/loss/betrayal, however, will be dealt with in MC.
I really appreciate the response. I can tell that he's in emotional denial. But i guess I can't do much about it.