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User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread X V I
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, January 24th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood:

what exactly is your ws doing aside from reading that book?

what is he doing right, what is he not doing and what does he not know how to do?...

for you to do the 180 means that you take a step back and do what you are doing...living your life, the part of your life that has nothing to do with him, it means that you take a step back from whatever drama he may make, it means that you become an independent person...too many bs's depend on their spouses for everything including their existance...and we all need to live in our individuality...and in marriage it should be 2 individuals coming together, appreciating each other and forming a unit...finctioning within the unit but also able to function on its own merit so to speak...

sahm:

i agree with your counseler that he should be in ic....


But I don't know how hard coming out of the fog will be for him...

He had been noticeably emotionally absent for a long time

his fog may not be because he is in love, it sounds as though he became emotinally dependent on this woman for whatever purpose he needed...and now that she is gone his emotions are on as someone else stated shut down....he had already shut you out emotionally and now that outlet is gone...

he needs to get to the bottom of why his emotions broke down in the first place, why he needed this ow as an outlet...he is broken emotionally and he needs to fix himself, not something you can do for him, he not only has to do it for himself but needs to "want to"....

counseling may start out for him as a way to just keep his marriage going but will hopefully turn into something more....it needs too...

My feeings of anger/loss/betrayal, however, will be dealt with in MC.

mc may not be enough for you either, for a little while at least you may want to go to ic for yourself, you have alot to deal with and you run the risk of emotionally overload...you have 2 small children added to your plate, having a safe place that belongs to you alone may end up being more then you can imagine...i know what it is to be a sahm of small ones, and then this on top of that....even if its just for a little while...go to ic too..


booger:

just very odd sense of I don't know what it is ???

but I am afraid of when it goes away ... I know this is all part of the roller coaster ... and I hope my next low is kinda equaled out by this latest high on the coaster ride ...

i am glad that this day is better then last....and i hope your lows actually are less low...more highs, less lows....and the downdrops not severe....

tryn and dip: enjoy your day of football...not a sport i like..actually i don't like any sports...i used too until i met pfm anyways...he was to into his sports, even his sporting shit came before me....now i am cured...i no longer give a rats ass about anything sports related...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, January 24th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryin....
I still think that there are 'different' types of affairs..and not all involve love or even limerance....
I have a lot of information and evidence....
I have over 40 emails from 2002- 2006.... a variety of random emails..that the MOW's husband found undeleted in her computer history (and some were the emails I found right before d-day New Years 2007)....
this random sampling... contained some of the most gross, adolescent, sick sexual references on both parts...but..not one word of love or affection....
it was really so difficult for me to read them at first... I said.. who is this man? not my husband.
things like...you're such a slut and that's what I like about you.....
or her...saying... hey,... I have a hankering for a big, thick.... ......till I gag...but, I'll have to settle for a bottle of beer instead....
this is the type of messaging that went on for 5 yrs!!!
when I questioned my husband..he said that she set the tone..that was what she wrote and he answered back in keeping with her style..she also would send long pornographic sexual fantasy stories..that she either wrote...or copied from somewhere...
her come on to him was sex without any expectations...
in fact, she offered to fulfiil any sexual fantasy he ever had...she was into S&M spanking you name it.
Oh, and this was NOT her first affair with a married co-worker..this was a pattern with her. Seems she would pick a target then pursue him. Another affair lasted over 6 yrs.
so..was this MOW 'in love' with all of her affir partners? or did she 'love' the attention she got from these nerdy middle aged men?

oh...she seems to be pursuing another married co-worker..or so I've heard...
her husband finally divorced her. They were married for over 30 yrs.

so what does the tribe think of this type of affair? does it soundlike anything you guys experienced?
and, as for personal information..my husband swears that he never talked to her about me our family nothing..when they were together.
She did over hear conversations when they were out with other co-workers..but, they kept their correspondence and conversations strictly sexual.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, January 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

.i no longer give a rats ass about anything sports related...
LOL! Me too! And these days I don't even pretend to be interested if I'm not.

njgal:

so..was this MOW 'in love' with all of her affir partners? or did she 'love' the attention she got from these nerdy middle aged men?
Probably the latter, but kidding herself that they were in love with her and, in turn, she may have felt something in return. Each was putting on show what they thought the other wanted, but I wouldn’t mind betting she knew it was just sex with a certain amount of role play. FWH said he often felt like he was in a play or reading a book. It was happening, but not real and when he wasn’t with her, he didn’t think about her with much affection (towards the end). But then again, he was very good at telling her what she wanted to hear and I often think he just does the same for me. The whole business of asking her to marry him and then protesting to me that he didn’t mean it because he actually wanted to stay married to me. Fuckwit.

as for personal information..my husband swears that he never talked to her about me our family
*sigh* WH started off by telling her about me, the boys, other family stuff, friends, etc. When he first met up with her, he took a couple of photos with him to show her, pretending to me that he just wanted to carry photos with him for when he was away…… I tore them up. She knew everything about me. I tell you, it made me sick with fury. How fucking dare he tell her how much I weighed or what dress I had bought or what I cooked for dinner? When I met up with her, it seemed she said “yes, I know” way to often. And (this makes me so mad every time I say it) he told her I practically dragged him up the aisle by saying I had the church booked and he’d better turn up! It wasn’t even my idea to get married – I wasn’t bothered about getting married!!! Her face was a picture when I told her that, but I’m still fuming two and a half years on!

Just have to remember njgal – they were living a lie. Whatever it was they thought they had, it wasn’t because it was dressed up in an unreal world. Your OW sounds sick, emotionally immature and totally addicted to being the centre of attention. She should be in therapy. Or locked up. Or both.

Well that ended being a bit of a rant! Better get myself down the gym and work off that aggression!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
BetrayedSAHM
♀ Member
Member # 27305
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, January 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you, iwantamiracle.

I think that IC for me has not been ruled out entirely (either by me or by the MC).

And ITA that my husband has serious, serious issues to work out.

Saturday night we had the discussion of the "details" of the affairs. I had delayed that slightly so that I could get over the initial shock of it first.

So I asked about the hows and wheres and whens of the relationship. And he was honest. There were plenty of things he *could* have lied about, but didn't. And I didn't get the "liar" vibe at all.

(btw, I am so thankful for my instincts. Just wish I hadn't been ignoring them that long)

The thing is... the whole thing was so tawdry. Trashy. Sneaking out to lunch with her and having sex in the back seat of his or her car, in an empty parking lot. Midday! And going on business trips with other folks in their department and having to sneak in and out of hotel rooms. Yuck.

Will he really ever wake up and say, oh my god, it was all so disgusting?


Me: BW (41); Him: STBXWH (43)
DS(3) & DD(3)
Dday: 1/1/2010
S'd and heading for D.

Posts: 1230 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Ohio
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, January 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

B-SAHM:
Will he really ever wake up and say, oh my god, it was all so disgusting?

My guess is he already thinks this and *likes* that. But I could be wrong.

Allgood -- I would totally 180 in a really major way. That's about all the advice I have.

Thanks everyone for all the advice. I guess it sounds horrible that I'm saying he's going to screw it up -- I'm a lawyer and we tend to be pretty darn cynical. The thing is -- I heard his IC tell him no less than 4 times that this can never, ever happen again. That is a LOT of times. And 20 years is a long time, even if it's something that was sporadic at times.

I think y'all are right about the forgetting. You can't forget. You can choose to go on with your life and not throw it in your partner's face, but of course you aren't going to forget. I think I like the Michelle Weiner "act as if" approach instead. It's more of an acceptance thing. It makes more sense.

I also see that my WH is doing EVERYTHING right as far as I can tell. We spoke about those texts and I saw them, they were fine, and when I explained that he has to be NC with that (maybe)friend too he accepted it right away. He claims the dating site cookie was from an ad on another site -- suspicious, but I'll just put some spyware on the computer.

Anyway, I have accepted it. How can you not? It's a fact, KWIM? You can accept something has happened that you don't like and can't change.

I did take everyone's advice and continue to stew about it. It was good advice. We've been talking about making a major purchase and I think I'm still going to make it -- but as we go over the budget to see where it fits, I'm going to make sure we talk about how it would change a settlement, etc. if we divorce.

You know, the more I think about it, I'm not really sure what forgiveness means, per se. Maybe I need to think about that. What do you guys think? If it means accepting it and choosing not to be bitter or let it poison your life, then I'm there. If it means something more, then I can't even fathom what it really is yet.

I guess I'm in a place now, and not temporarily, where I know 100% what I'm going to do in any given situation that may arise from this. So, it's like any life crisis, hope for the best, plan for the worst, then let it go and implement your worst-case plan if you need to.

So anyway, I have my long speech for him, which I hope will be a discussion rather than a monologue. I think repairing the marriage will be a process, and that it may still end, either because of OW or because our other issues aren't fixable, but I'm not going to let the A stand in the way of putting in a full effort to fix the marriage.

He broke my heart, he really did. I can't believe I was stupid enough to think being married is enough to protect you from a broken heart. I find myself wondering that when the day finally comes that he realizes that things will never, ever, ever be the same if he will still want to be married?

You chug along in marriage and you think you know where it's going, and I've had that paradigm shift where I know that I have no idea where it's going. There is something good about that -- it forces me to rearrange my life in a way where I don't have to wonder how am I going to handle "X, Y, Z" if my marriage fails.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, January 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal --

I would guess that my WH's affair was very much like that. Of course, I'm one of those people who doesn't need as many details -- but I know what kind of messages my WH sends me and I can pretty much guess. Especially since I know he really doesn't love her -- heck he doesn't even like her sometimes. One advantage of being "friends" with OW.

My WH doesn't fully realize how well I know him sometimes. I think he's got a little bit of that madonna/whore thing going on and I'm in the "good girl" box and she's in the "bad girl" box; like WH said "it was easy" which means "she's easy" ...

One thing he's been doing that he doesn't realize is that he's putting me more into that "bad girl" box since Dday -- but not in some weird I'm trying to make you someone else way. And I like it. I've been frustrated over him seeing me the way he does for years. I'd really gotten to the point where I thought I guess he's just a little boring and so be it because I love him.

Anyway, you have to be you. But I probably wouldn't buy the whole she set the tone thing. Whatever. But, yeah, a lot of guys like cheap feeling trashy sex and a lot of women just don't get it.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
BetrayedSAHM
♀ Member
Member # 27305
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, January 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m-- I appreciate your point about him possibly enjoying the tawdry nature of it. Something to discuss with in our MC session tomorrow, I think.

You know, the more I think about it, I'm not really sure what forgiveness means, per se. Maybe I need to think about that. What do you guys think? If it means accepting it and choosing not to be bitter or let it poison your life, then I'm there. If it means something more, then I can't even fathom what it really is yet.

In the first few days post D-Day, I thought my major hurdle to recovering the marriage would be my ability to forgive him. I've since realized that forgiveness isn't the problem. Eventually, yes, I will forgive him. Forgivenss is in my genes, if you will.

However, what I don't know is whether I will be able to look at him with love any more. Or has this forever damaged my ability to love and see him as loveable and someone that I want to stay married to.

And THAT feels like a very different question. And it makes it easier to focus on what I will need from him to make the R work. KWIM?


Me: BW (41); Him: STBXWH (43)
DS(3) & DD(3)
Dday: 1/1/2010
S'd and heading for D.

Posts: 1230 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Ohio
cantbelieve
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Member # 22028
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, January 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They like, they fear without, no courage for changing… and they WANT their marriage. If they did not, they would have left! They DO NOT want to end the marriage.

trynhard...why do they not want to end the marriage? Dday2, I told him that if he broke NC he would
1)move out
2)I'd retain an attorney and he pay all costs
3)we'd tell the kids and his family
4)I'd tell his boss

He got upset that I'd tell his boss...WTF...So to me, it's all about protecting his image and that its safer to stay in the marriage, but I only want to work on this if he loves me and wants me, not because of what his peers would think.


Me: BS (57)
Him: WS (58)
LTA 4 years with co-worker
DS(26)
DD(23)
DD(19)
Married 28 years
D-day1 5/08
D-day2 11/08
Status: 6 yrs and wondering if I'll ever be truly happy again

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: DFW
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, January 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is kidding himself... he needs some love training. You chose to be intimate, you chose to have sex, you chose to care, he bought her food, he listen to her problems, etc etc etc... all part of being "in love" Yes, he loved the OW. Of course! a LTA always is love. He loved both you and OW.

No, I disagree with this. I think it IS that way for some, but not everyone. My WH basically got re-involved with someone from his past when "real" life started to get more serious, more responsible, more intimate -- I got to know him better and better and because of his FOO issues the idea of someone *really* knowing him scared him so he just threw another person in there to detach better (he doesn't realize any of this, but I know I'm right, he's going to show up like 2 years from now from one of his IC sessions telling me this in addition to his other reasons, trust me) Throw OW into the mix and now he feels younger, sexier, excited and risky, got some variety, has a big secret from wifey and a nice excuse to put up some walls and a little help vilifying her in his mind so she doesn't worm her way quite as far into his heart as she has been. One thing he told me was that our life together was so perfect to him that he just felt like someone was going to pull the rug out and it seemed like it was better to sabotage it himself than to fail by some other means.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
BetrayedSAHM
♀ Member
Member # 27305
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, January 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I kind of agree with m on the "love" question.

I mean, does true love destroy families? Does true love dishonor vows made before god? Does true love hurt those that you love (or even used to love)?

Sneaking around, lying, cheating... that is NOT love. Is it thrilling? Yes. Does it make the WS feel good at some level? Yes.

But it ain't love.


Me: BW (41); Him: STBXWH (43)
DS(3) & DD(3)
Dday: 1/1/2010
S'd and heading for D.

Posts: 1230 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Ohio
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, January 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well tryn, we are really in trouble now. Not only are we out numbered by the girls, now they have brought in a lawyer! What next? IRS agents?

The Colts made me some money. ($20) The Vikes cost me the same. O well , I broke even.

I liked your pictures. I thought the 3rd was the best. I guess it is because the composition and lighting were so good.

m334455.

You have posted some interesting thoughts. The sabotaging of the successful M is one. That is such self-destructive behavior. Is this a case of a fear of success? My W has sometimes set herself back in her work environment by letting her fears get in the way. I know that a reason for affairs is the self-destructive angle. They kind of view everything from a negative view point.

Yes it seems that guys can sometimes like the bad girl personia. Sort of the sleazy factor. Of course it seems that some of the girls like the bad boy type of fellow.

njgal.

You asked the tribe to comment about your H's affair. I can't say that his type of LTA could not happen. I think that it would be pretty rare that there would not be some kind of emontional attachment. It would be like you said, a series of ONS.

miracle.

I'm glad to see that you got over your one line answers. I was worried about you.

I'm out of time, so hugs to all the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
fairyfriend
♀ Member
Member # 11208
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, January 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m334455,

Excellent observations. You remarked on not knowing what forgiveness is--may I suggest you read Janis Abrahm Springs' book How Can I Forgive You if you haven't yet, as her discussions of both forgiveness and acceptance are excellent.

As to the "love" question about LTA, I guess some WS might THINK they love the OP, but perhaps what they value is the mirroring, the escape, the fantasy. My H told me when OW told him she loved him, he repeated the words back to her but knew even when he said them that they were a lie. He just told her what he thought she wanted to hear.

And m334455, I want a bumper sticker that reads: "WWDCD?" for what would Denny Crane do?


DDay 1--Feb 99
Crappy IC, false R--spring 1999
A ended around April, 2003
DDay 2--September 26, 2004
DDay 3--September 26, 2005 when I found out the REST of the truth
8/8/09--Doing very well due to hard work on my and H's part

Posts: 1607 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: far north Chicago suburbs
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, January 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iwantamiracle – YOU DON’T GIVE A RATS ASS ABOUT SPORTS! My Colts are going to the Superbowl! It’s about the party, socializing… having something to complain or yell at besides our waywards! lol
My Colts Picture I took at Sunday’s game.. It was pretty neat.

njgal480 – I do agree that there are different types of A’s. In your H’s A, It sound like she loved sex.. him too! As most guys absolutely do love sex too! It is not uncommon for most every guy I know to say some pretty “porno” type stuff. We laugh and joke about it.. It gets pretty gross and funny so I can see how your H could fall for a seduction. Heck, maybe I would have before dday. I’m just saying, I pretty sure being physical with someone has elements of love to it… especially if it goes on for several months. Just the mere fact they wanted to have sex on an ongoing bases is doing a loving act… I love my dog. I play with him everyday because I enjoy it. I treat him with love by rubbing his back, throwing the ball, etc…it stimulating. I love my dog. Your H loved his dog too! Sorry NJ.. I could resist that. Lol… I’m with ya BTW.. my wife’s OM had multiple A’s too… heck, my wife had 2 affairs. It was never the woman I knew. I know her now! Yes, she was a cheater, committed adultery… I think she has changed… but you know what? if she has not, then I pick myself up and find some sweet lady like the ones I talk to on this board... a much smarter man, wiser man!

Sahm.. Sorry you are among us.

how was the experience for you? how long did it take?
I started to forgive right away. It starts with wanting to forgive. I am still in the process of forgiving… The experience for me was like none other in my life. If hell is worse, I cannot imagine the hurt being worse… Some people are stronger than I, some are not. I pray you keep a strong mind in the process of forgivness. I agree with all UK and Iwant’s post… We can still discuss a limerick relationship though… even in the word’s definition it has “preoccupations with the love object” yes, they loved the object.. but it still is love. It is not mature love, but love.

UK.. I feel like my wife’s A was me reading a book too… It was real what I lived but then again it was not…

m334455 – I will never forget! EVER.. It is becoming a part of my life now… I'm finding myself to have and say it without the hurt… without the hate… without the resentment… without the embarrisment… and a few more things.

How can you not? Accept it
Suicide, or to kill OM or OW…
What is Total forgiveness?
I read a book that said, When lay aside holding a grudge, pointing the finger, remembering the pain… More from the book Total Forgiveness by Kendall
- Do not let anyone know what your spouse did to you
- Do not allow your spouse to be afraid of you or intimidated by you
- You want them to forgive themselves and not feel guilty
- You allow them to save face.
- You will protect them from their greatest fear
- It is a lifelong commitment you will not return to the offense
- Pray they will be blessed

Cantbelieve.. I agree. Committing adultery is not love. That is, even in God's words, worthy of ending any relationship. It takes both to really WANT the M. The reality is you need not to threaten or impose a penalty if you seek what you want…Make the agreement between both of you to love each other… or not… the not is fear and misery, and lack of courage. You somehow must have the courage to be happy. Make that agreement ASAP after Dday I say... Then both need to do everything possible to love each other… More of my meaning to love means doing the things that are desirable to each other at all cost... everyday, all the time. When you fail, dust yourself off say your sorry and move on trying hard to again do everything desirable everyday, all the time.. over and over!
Just before my W’s LTA began, I knew something was just not right… I made an effort to do some things.. but I was not a romantic type… She affirmed me in several ways that she dearly loved me….back then, I really didn’t know what true love is about. I wrote her a poem call “picture Perfect” She was perfect in my mind. Crazy how in my mind, I never could find any fault in my wife… I placed her on that pedestal… and it was not good. Boy ole boy, my eyes are open now! My W and I somehow lost or never really had true mature love. Today, I can feel something has change with us... I never allow her to get away with any undesirable! but you know what, I commit to never do an undesirable either. Have we both made mistakes in this process? YES... We may always make mistake but it doesn't mean we won't have that goal!

I did learn all this in Retrouville btw...

Anyway… Peace to all and please stay positive… make something good happen today!

[This message edited by trynhard at 3:00 PM, January 25th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
hurt789
♀ Member
Member # 20937
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, January 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn

Great picture! I am so glad the Colts won!! I am so looking forward to them winning the Superbowl! I havent looked forward to anything in a long time and this makes me smile!

a LTA always is love.

I dont post on SI very much anymore, but I saw the Love Question come up and it suprised me because we ( me and wh) had this conversation just this weekend. So, this is what he was trying to explain to me ( just in case anyone wanted to hear what a WH says about it..)
Yes, he thought it was love, yes he still loved me. He never not wanted me around, just wanted her around to. She was the fun whore. Yes, he told her things she wanted to hear, Yes he lied to her as much as he lied to me ( I dont agree with that one...) He said he realized it wasnt
love
when she kicked her husband out. He said that scared him and he didnt like it at all. He told the OW to work on her M and let him come back home. He states that on D-Day that there was never any choice for him to make, that it was very easy to just say ok, thats over.
So yes, during the A, he believed it was some kind of love. It was more of a love for himself. The love of the game. ( I hate that term )
The love of controlling people, the love of someone always thinking he was perfect and could do no wrong. The love of the addiction. Once the A had lasted years and years with out them getting caught, he has stated it became like something normal.

Sure, this could be all a lie, but this is my response from him for the "love question"


BS 40
WS 43
MARRIED 20
TOGATHER 22
1 PERFECT DAUGHTER
DDAY7/13/08
LTA - ALWAYS


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, January 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey hurt789... Love has such a wide range of definitions... IMO, if you think you love someone, you do. My wife said the same thing.. It was easy, she said OM was not the marrying type.. HELLO

We all have so much in common... I hope you are doing well in your R!

Did you go to the game?

[This message edited by trynhard at 3:09 PM, January 25th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, January 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn --

Of course it seems that some of the girls like the bad boy type of fellow.

Well, yeah. Which is exactly how I wound up in this predicament, LOL! I just didn't know how bad my bad boy really was

I also like that statement your W said about her OM not being the marrying kind -- apparently a mutual friend got a similar speech from my WH's AP about him, just friend and I didn't know quite who and what she was talking about at the time. OW had the advantage of knowing WH for about as long as I've known him now before she decided to marry her BH (and not tell my WH, etc. etc...)


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
hurt789
♀ Member
Member # 20937
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, January 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TRYN..

Yes, I agree, if you say you love someone, then you do.

No, I didnt get to go to the game. Watched the first half at home ( I admit,it was getting a little angry...) then watched the 2nd half over at my mom's w/ by brother and his wife - it was fun)
It was a great 2nd half. I admit I think the most fun I had was me and my sil talking about how well Austin Collie was going, and how well he looked. lol!! WH was getting a little jealous, and it made me happy!!
I hear they have the Colts by 4 for the Superbowl. I'd agree with that. I am just glad its Drew and not Bret we are playing against. I think Bret has the experience to beat us.

Are you going down to the Superbowl?


BS 40
WS 43
MARRIED 20
TOGATHER 22
1 PERFECT DAUGHTER
DDAY7/13/08
LTA - ALWAYS


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
cantbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 22028
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, January 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The reality is you need not to threaten or impose a penalty if you seek what you want…

Thanks trynhard. The reason I imposed those threats was to make sure he knew the consequences. He had already slipped from Dday 1, so I had to make sure he knew if he kept in the A, then there would be consequences. My counselor asked why I said I'd tell his boss...because his job is that important to him and I knew that may be the one thing that would keep him away from her. Looking back, I wish I hadn't listed that, because if that's the only reason he stayed, then it's not worth saving.


Me: BS (57)
Him: WS (58)
LTA 4 years with co-worker
DS(26)
DD(23)
DD(19)
Married 28 years
D-day1 5/08
D-day2 11/08
Status: 6 yrs and wondering if I'll ever be truly happy again

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: DFW
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, January 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal:

still think that there are 'different' types of affairs..and not all involve love or even limerance....

i agree with this completely...pfm's affairs were basically all different, different feelings involved with each, only 1 contained "love"...of the 4 confirmed....

i think each type of affair meets a need in the persons involved...needs that are not met ini healthy ways, needs that were missing...whether they were missing from the marriage or from the foo, they were missing...the ws's are all broken in some way...and it is just sad that they end up losing what in the end is what they craved in the first place...some don't necessarily fit this, some bs's who are gone were rotten, but most are not...and even then , if the bs is rotten, just get out of the marriage...


ukgirl:

She knew everything about me. I tell you, it made me sick with fury.

But then again, he was very good at telling her what she wanted to hear

he told her I practically dragged him up the aisle by saying I had the church booked and he’d better turn up! It wasn’t even my idea to get married – I wasn’t bothered about getting married!!! Her face was a picture when I told her that, but I’m still fuming two and a half years on!

so basically he lied to both of you...alot of what he told her about you was not true, which is really typical of the man who wants to eat and keep his cake...

sahm:

The thing is... the whole thing was so tawdry. Trashy. Sneaking out to lunch with her and having sex in the back seat of his or her car, in an empty parking lot. Midday! And going on business trips with other folks in their department and having to sneak in and out of hotel rooms. Yuck.

think about it, isn't this what makes it so exciting...part of the pull...

In the first few days post D-Day, I thought my major hurdle to recovering the marriage would be my ability to forgive him. I've since realized that forgiveness isn't the problem. Eventually, yes, I will forgive him. Forgivenss is in my genes, if you will.

However, what I don't know is whether I will be able to look at him with love any more. Or has this forever damaged my ability to love and see him as loveable and someone that I want to stay married to.

unfortuantely both hurdles will be needed for successful fulfilling r...i correct myself, i think total acceptance would do in place of forgiveness....but if the love is dead, then so is the marriage...

m3:

bad girl" box

why does he have you in that box?

Especially since I know he really doesn't love her -- heck he doesn't even like her sometimes. One advantage of being "friends" with OW.

My WH doesn't fully realize how well I know him sometimes.

well he had to feel something for the woman to have sex with her, and i wouldn't be surprised if that so called dislike was pretense so you didn't see.....

and no you really didn't know him as well as you thought or you wouldn't be here....we know their habits, we know them to a certain extent...but to be able to pull off a lta takes a very skilled liar...and a skilled actor....

never ever underestimate a liar....

I was stupid enough to think being married is enough to protect you from a broken heart.

there is nothing stupid about believing in someone, trusting in the person you chose to spend your life with, its what you are supposed to do....

cant:

why do they not want to end the marriage?

1 of 2 reasons, he really does love you or it fear based...or both

and why does he have this need to protect his image...what is that fear based on?


ff:

And m334455, I want a bumper sticker that reads: "WWDCD?" for what would Denny Crane do?

what is "wwdcd"? and who is denny crane?

and i think i might be checking out that book too..

hurt:

dont post on SI very much anymore, but I saw the Love Question come up and it suprised me because we ( me and wh) had this conversation just this weekend. So, this is what he was trying to explain to me ( just in case anyone wanted to hear what a WH says about it..)
Yes, he thought it was love, yes he still loved me. He never not wanted me around, just wanted her around to. She was the fun whore. Yes, he told her things she wanted to hear, Yes he lied to her as much as he lied to me ( I dont agree with that one...) He said he realized it wasnt
love

glad you decided to post...and i could definitely relate to this statement, and i believe that yes they lie to the op's just as much as they lie to us....keeps them there...especially for a lta...

try:

sorry to disappoint you, but i still don't give a rats ass...i am happy for you though...so enjoy your football...it is not for me...and it will stay that way...love that picture btw, the eagle flying over is priceless, was that planned by them or was it just by "gods" chance...you and your birds....

and dip thank you for worrying...


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, January 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cantbelieve
The reason I imposed those threats was to make sure he knew the consequences.
I did the same thing. I'm not a doormate. But it wasn't until we went to Retrouvaille when things started to change for me... That was 10 months out from Dday. We needed help or I was going to walk away. That weekend was when we both re-commitment to really try hard to make our M work... It still has been very hard for me to forgive.. I'm still not there. At times, I want to give up. But it is now changing. I may still get D... who knows. But after 16 months, I am getting more and more happiness coming back to my heart...

iwantamiracle... If you don't like my Colts, that's OK.. lol.. So you know, I don't like a pedicure. But I still like you. So you like a good band? This is all part of the experience! "Hot Blooded" Wow! they look older then me!

[This message edited by trynhard at 5:11 PM, January 25th (Monday)]


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