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User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread X V I
BetrayedSAHM
♀ Member
Member # 27305
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, January 27th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Need your advice, Tribe.

I'm just about 4 weeks past D-Day. We've had 3 MC sessions and I think we're making some progress. However, WH is still somewhat in the fog. Like I said, I can tell he still misses the AP. And while I've internalized the fact that I can't control his decisions, I'm very much afraid of losing more time to this marriage. So I wrote a letter that I am thinking of leaving him tonight. What do you think?

Sorry sorry sorry for the length...

Dear [FWH],

You broke my heart.

I wake up in the early hours of the morning and cannot believe that it is still beating. I do what I need to do during the day. I take care of the kids. I talk to you. I even make an effort with Rusty.

But my heart is broken.

And I don't think you really get that.

I think you understand that your actions hurt me. But I don't think you understand that you injured me. "Hurt" is a slap across the face. What you did, with her, was beat me half to death with an aluminum baseball bat. I've got wounds that will leave scars for the rest of my life.

I am not the same person I was on December 31. I will never be that person again. I don't know who I'm going to be. I'm trying to be positive – to think about the ways that this might make me a better person. Losing the baby made me resilient. The five months of bedrest taught me perseverence. Taking care of [the twins] has taught me patience, sacrifice and humility.

But what do you learn from your husband loving another woman? No -- obsessing -- over another woman? What do you learn from the lies and deceit? From the lost love? From the lost TIME?

I lost two years of my life. I used to think that I wished I had had more time with you; that it was a shame we got such a late start in life. But I figured we had decades ahead of us. I was determined to do whatever necessary to keep you healthy. I was determined to make you happy. But I loved you so much that even fifty years seemed like precious little time.

But you took two years from us. Like it meant nothing. Like I meant nothing. It should have been the two best years of our life. But you threw that time into the trash – or, rather, into the back seat of your car.

Oh yeah. I decided today that I'm never riding in that car again.

And you know how I feel about life being all too short. Well, what have I been doing for the past two years but living a half life?

I was a great wife to a man who wasn't her husband.

I was a woman who loved a man who didn't love her back.

I was a woman who loved sex and didn't have any.

I was a woman who loved human contact and got none. And I believed that you were disgusted with me physically and couldn't bear to touch me.

And let's be honest. Going forward, I've lost years. Whether we reconcile or divorce, I'm losing years of happiness to recover from this.

So what do you want to do?

Our reconciliation will not be easy. It will not be short. The anger will be immense. You will need to take care of me -- way more than I take care of you.

Most importantly, for true reconciliation, you've got to face up to what you did. No more hiding from your emotions. No more procrastination. No more defensiveness. I can't carry the load on this. Yes – I agree that we've got some underlying communication problems that we both need to work on.

But you did the real damage and fixing it is your burden. Not mine, not ours. Yours.

So I'm still not clear on why you want to stay with me.

Please don't stay because you're afraid to be alone.

Please don't stay because she's not available to you.

Please don't stay to protect your reputation.

You have to stay because you want to be with me. Period.

And if you are willing to stay and put in the effort – the considerable effort – then I will stay too. I will find a way to forgive you, even if I have to borrow my love for the kids to do so.

But please don't do this falsely.

If you can't come back to me with a full and open heart – a remorseful heart - then let's end it now.

Please – PLEASE – don't steal any more of my life from me. Even if you no longer love me (even if you don't like me), please at least recognize that as a human being I have a right to live a happy a full life.

You have a chance to fix this. To make it right for me. To give me back the time that I've lost. However, if it's too much for you, then... it's too much for you. It's okay. It seems almost insurmountable to me. I will do my best to understand and forgive you. Since we'll have so many years ahead of us raising the kids, I know that I will forgive you someday anyway.

-[me]


Me: BW (41); Him: STBXWH (43)
DS(3) & DD(3)
Dday: 1/1/2010
S'd and heading for D.

Posts: 1230 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Ohio
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, January 27th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Sahm Give us a few hours to look this over... I'll make my comments in a few minutes.. I have written three of these letters.. hold tight on giving it to him.. I need to hold back on my own tears after reading it a first time...

[This message edited by trynhard at 4:56 PM, January 27th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
BetrayedSAHM
♀ Member
Member # 27305
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, January 27th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to drop it on you guys like that.

I've put it aside for now. Maybe it would be better to talk with him. I think he's sorry, but not truly remorseful yet. I know he's shielding himself emotionally from the guilt.


Me: BW (41); Him: STBXWH (43)
DS(3) & DD(3)
Dday: 1/1/2010
S'd and heading for D.

Posts: 1230 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Ohio
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, January 27th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's OK Sahm.. I feel you..

Just give some of the wonderful people here a chance to make some comments...

then you take it...


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Naive1952
♀ Member
Member # 26502
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, January 27th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SAHM))))

I'm new enough here that I don't feel qualified to offer advise, but know that we all are here to support you!


BS(me) 58
WH(him)56 Married 35 yrs Together 37
D-Day 11/12/09
MOW 47 (business contact/Canada
Beginning R 01/15/10
False R 02/03/10 & 02/19/10
Separated 2/20/10 :(
If all women lived by "girlcode" NO MORE AFFAIRS!

Posts: 68 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, January 27th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's a great letter...very honest and heartfelt.
I sent many such letters to my husband right after d-day...but, not all were as nice as yours... I would swing back forth from extreme shock and disbelief to grief and then on to anger...
I think it's good to let him know how this has affected you.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, January 27th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sahm...
I think the letter comes straight from the heart... it is time to have a R conversation... You are so very much still in shock... so please be careful... take your time and think before you speak or write.

My suggestions are to keep anything you "Think" about what he "thinks" or feels, out of it. When you only share your own feelings, you are not attacking him.. you are not controlling him.. your feeling are what they are... it will come across much more reasonable, more loving, more desirable... It will help him make a more solid decision... one he might not regret. Most men that have A do end up regret leaving... My W's Brother told me he left his wife after his A because he could not take all the beatings... He regrets leaving... and asked my wife to try and take it... he asked me to be kind.. My anger took hold of me... My wife took some beatings from me. It is horrible thinking about all I said to her. I regret that... I regret that... I regret that...

Use these words to help you describe your feelings...

http://www.psychpage.com/learning/library/assess/feelings.html

Only write how you feel...

I am only going to quote eamples of things I think you should reconsidered...

This one should likely be.. I don't feel like you want me any more.

And I don't think you really get that.


And more below... This feels like an aluminum bat has...
I think you understand that your actions hurt me. But I don't think you understand that you injured me. "Hurt" is a I FEEL Like I have been slap across the face. What you did, with her, was beat me half to death with an aluminum baseball bat. I've got wounds that will leave scars for the rest of my life.

Try to reword the below with your feelings... You are feeling bewildered, lost, confused, unsure... inadequate...

and also below... When I see the car know what you did... It makes me feel unhappy, mad, upset, to think about what happened.. dissapointment...

But you took two years from us. Like it meant nothing. Like I meant nothing. It should have been the two best years of our life. But you threw that time into the trash – or, rather, into the back seat of your car.

and below... I am a woman who loves sex and because you never had sex with me I feel down, deafeated, unwanted, displeased... bitter... I have always wanted more too.. I want feel the warm touch of a person who.... Compare the feeling to something he can relate to.. like getting fired from a job you loved...

I was a woman who loved sex and didn't have any. I was a woman who loved human contact and got none. And I believed that you were disgusted with me physically and couldn't bear to touch me.

I am hurting...

But you did the real damage

But please don't (HURT ME MORE BY) do this falsely.

(WE) have a chance to fix this.

I like all the last part of the letter... The simple question to have him make up his mind.... R or not..

OK... That is my recommendation... My prayers are with you...

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:18 PM, January 27th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
BetrayedSAHM
♀ Member
Member # 27305
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, January 27th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryinhard -- thank you so very much for your feedback. I do see what you are saying and will rework the letter with those ideas in mind. I think it will be especially helpful to compare my feelings to something he might understand (like getting fired from a job).

you guys are great.


Me: BW (41); Him: STBXWH (43)
DS(3) & DD(3)
Dday: 1/1/2010
S'd and heading for D.

Posts: 1230 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Ohio
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, January 27th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sahm... My IC told me it would take a year to recover from this... He was wrong...

I am just right now starting to feel better about myself, the new me, more compassionate, more loving to my W, more romantic... etc... Happiness is coming bacK... I hase taken my W time too..

All this was learned when we went to Retrouvaille... I could not have done it with IC only... The weekend retreat on 10 months after Dday is when I got a solid commitment from my wife... "I want to be with you until the day I die"

Peace

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:24 PM, January 27th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, January 27th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sahm: i think the letter is great and i think tryn's suggestions are invaluable...and i think you also need to have a list ready of everything you "require" for you marriage from this point forward....keep the list to the facts without embellishments and let him know that if anything else comes up you will add it....circumstances are forever changing which may require change in the master list you give him...and the things to list are quite reasonable such as

ic
no contact
mc
no lies, fib, ommisions, denials..etc...

the healing library i believe has great guidelines for this....

once again its a great letter, extremely heartfelt and heartbreaking...


tryn: i remember that angel too, thankyou for reminding me... ...i am so blessed...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, January 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sahm.. checking in to see how you feel today.

iwantamiracle is right. State your new boundaries... You both make a commitment to live by these new boundaries and never ever again let anyone cross them... If you see or feel your or you H are moving toward them.. Communicate it.. let them know.. warn them without fear. It is time to protect your own happiness...

I will only be married to a man that wants to be with me.

I will only be married to a man that can be intimate with me.

I will only be in a married relationship that you and I have desire builders, not desire destroyers...

Desire builders
- prayer
- affirmation
- positive attitude
- Present and future focused
- Communication.
- Cooperative attitude
- Forgiveness
- Affection
- Positive self talk
- Accept Change
- Reliability
- Romance

Desire destroyers
- Criticism
- Withdrawal
- Negative attitude
- Continuing negative behaviors
- No Communication
- No reliance on God
- Holding a grudge
- Name calling
- Negative self talk
- Disrespect
- An I must win attitude
- Living the past


and more you already know...

Then try like hell to force your mind to fight the Trauma you feel... brain pain

It does go away... fight it my love...

Peace to all

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:55 AM, January 28th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
BetrayedSAHM
♀ Member
Member # 27305
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, January 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you guys so much!!!

I think (F)WH needs specific direction on what I need. One of the communication problems in our marriage was simply our inability to directly communicate our needs, instead of expecting the other partner to intuit what we wanted.

In fact, I think I'll rewrite the whole middle section of the letter with that.

The biggest problem with all of this is never knowing whether my husband is staying NC. She works at the same company that he does (albeit in a different department and different building), so they could easily chat on the phone or via IM-chats and I would never know. I am considering getting one of those GPS-tracker things to put on his car.

Part of me thinks that he is being honest- but my spidey-sense is also tingling. I hate this.


Me: BW (41); Him: STBXWH (43)
DS(3) & DD(3)
Dday: 1/1/2010
S'd and heading for D.

Posts: 1230 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Ohio
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, January 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn --
He must come to understand what a real relationship is about… and that is a book in itself!

That is so true. He's the classic "not giving enough at home" cheater. In fact, I had actually reached the point where I was considering divorcing him before I found out about the A. Finding the A may wind up saving our marriage. (If he manages not to do it again.) because after 3 YEARS of working to get his attention with the guidance of my IC he's finally checked back in.

He's "doing all the right things" though it is so amazing to me how little guilt/hurt the WS's feel compared to us. I feel like I have to feel all the pain of it for both of us. We're Catholic (all of us, OW and her BH too) and because of that I also truly believe that the hurt he/they have caused me pales in comparison to the damage they've done to their own souls. While my pain is intense, they could never hurt me as much as they've hurt themselves.

B-SAHM

I think the suggestions about your letter are good. I'm decent at the not criticizing I statement kind of thing thanks to the MC I had in my first marriage. I think the best thing to remember when talking/writing to someone about something like this is: will the message get through? I always try to take the opportunity to frame my words and comments in a manner that I know will be effectively LISTENED to.

For example, I told his IC my WH had been drinking way too much. My WH objected. Then, I presented the facts -- I first pointed out that I do not think my WH is an alcoholic, that he most likely thought he was just relieving stress/blowing off steam, but all of the sudden it was 3-5 drinks 3 or 4 weeknights a week and then 10 or 15 each day of the weekend -- it's 32 or 50 drinks a week! My WH was genuinely surprised he'd been drinking that much. So, facts are good.

Others might disagree with this approach though, and maybe your WH isn't ready to hear something like that for it to be effective.

Ok -- thanks everyone, y'all are life savers!


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, January 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sahm... Almost every M has those communication issues. Now is your chance to change. You need to speak up.... I think Iwant has given me courage to communicate better, not go silent, let stuff pass.. I thank her dearly for this new me..

IMO... This is me today. My W knows if she contacts OM without my knowing about it... it will hurt me greatly, it will be a message that she no longer wants this M, and somehow I trust God will let you know if She decides makes that decision, to leave our M again. And I am ready to protect my happiness... to enforce it... and that is a D for me... No questions asked... but remember, I am in a different place today the you.

You are in the beginning of a grieving process.. I am at the end.

You do what you have to do.

http://www.bestbuy.com/site/Sony+-+Digital+Voice+Recorder/9218312.p?skuId=9218312&ci_src=14110944&ci_sku=9218312&ref=06&loc=01&id=1218061082065

there are cell phone trackers..

http://www.webwatcherkids.com/

Do a credit check now on you H... look for a credit card you don't know about. It is the guys who pay for stuff. https://www.annualcreditreport.com/cra/index.jsp


I don't tract my W any more... and so you know, My wife also contacted OM 4 weeks after Dday... and didn't tell me... It hurt... but she told me they broke up for good on that day... He even tried to get her to stay. I can remember her bringing me a gift on that same day and telling how sorry she was that same day... I decided to keep trying to R...

Peace and I need to not think about infidelity for awhile now... but know I'm with you guys in spirit.

[This message edited by trynhard at 9:24 AM, January 28th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, January 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, B-SAHM -- I also wanted to add: you don't have to R. Or even try to. An A is enough to end a marriage if that's what you need. Just because a lot of people try to R doesn't mean it's the right choice for you.

I think at this point my WH wants our marriage much more than I do. And that's OK. He is the one who damaged it so severely, and it's his job to fix it. It's my job to not actively sabotage that, to be honest about where I am, and to go on and call it quits if the moment comes when/if I know that's the way for me. But, it's NOT really my job to put a huge amount of effort in when I don't feel like it. At least not this early on. Like MC. His IC thinks we need MC. So, we probably do. But screw it, I'm not making the appointment. He can make it. Or not. I'm just not 100% committed to R yet. I'm only committed to the idea that *maybe* we could R.

Things are going to get hinky after the baby is born. We follow the church's teachings about only using Natural Family Planning or no birth control at all and there is NO WAY I want to be pregnant again with my marriage so far out on the rocks. So, the sex life is probably going to be an issue. Can't wait! More fun coming my way.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, January 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sahm.

That is a good letter. You got some great advice about making it better. This place is really cool.

m334455.

I hope you and the baby are doing good today.

I like the facts only approach when presenting your case. Facts are hard to argue with. Of course some people will try. My W would either try to say the fact are wrong, say the facts do not tell the story, or most likely try to blame the facts on me! This all depends on what day or time of day it is.

Miracle.

Of course you are a chaud cherie. ( to save you time that is hot babe in french ) I hope it is! Sorry if I got that wrong. I could not figure out how to translate power walking to french.

Get a pic of that angel on here. Tryn showed you how. We need to see it. How can we help you find the hidden meaning in all this if we have not seen the actual angel?

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
BetrayedSAHM
♀ Member
Member # 27305
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, January 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks again, guys, for all your support.

m - I am so glad to see you here. I was thinking about you a lot last night and hoping that your evening went better. I hope this day is treating you well. You sound strong. Funny how taking care of little ones (even very tiny unborn ones) forces us to be very, very strong.

Oh, B-SAHM -- I also wanted to add: you don't have to R. Or even try to. An A is enough to end a marriage if that's what you need. Just because a lot of people try to R doesn't mean it's the right choice for you.

You're right. But I do want to R. We had a good marriage. And even through the affair, although he was somewhat emotionally distant, he was never mean or rude or cold to me. He supported me like a best friend would. He helped tremendously with the kids. He never complained about a dime I spent. I do believe that he had every intention of ending the affair, if he could. Problem was, he couldn't. And the big fear, of course, is that even now after seeing how much pain it has caused me, he can't end it. Or won't.


Me: BW (41); Him: STBXWH (43)
DS(3) & DD(3)
Dday: 1/1/2010
S'd and heading for D.

Posts: 1230 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Ohio
kalamity
♀ Member
Member # 21802
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, January 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Betrayed: LOVE the letter!

WE had a wonderful conversation last night. FWH shared that he sometimes thinks about being angry at MOW - not about her part in the A, but that, after the A ended, she called him names and made nasty remarks about him, me and our life. We talked about ways for him to try and release that anger and quite a bit about how he would handle running into her (which is likely - I'm a little amazed that we haven't for over a year now - I think she hides from us). So...we talked about living on purpose: deciding in advance how you would handle a situation and mentally practicing that. This is a practice I learned as a child that H was totally unaware of. He's going to give it a try.

This great conversation came about because we were taking an intimacy quiz from a magazine that I subscribe to. I would recommend it to everyone. It's called "Going Bonkers?" You can subscribe at www.GBonkers.com

Wishing everyone well. Probably won't be back for awhile.

[This message edited by kalamity at 5:01 PM, January 28th (Thursday)]


When it feels like your life is falling apart, perhaps it is falling in place.

BS(me)-56
WS-59: LTA (22+ years)
MOW-54: H's old girlfriend
D-day 08/11/08 (3 days before 25th anniversary)
Working hard on R


Posts: 104 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Nebraska
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, January 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kalamity: your breeze in here as short and sweet...glad to here that all is going well in this process....

dip: i will take your word for that translation...

i will attempt to do the picture thing eventually...

Facts are hard to argue with. Of course some people will try. My W would either try to say the fact are wrong, say the facts do not tell the story, or most likely try to blame the facts on me! This all depends on what day or time of day it is.

i could so relate to this, i lived it with my ws and his entire family...good riddance to this, i no longer have this issue, actually i no longer have to deal with quite alot of issues....at least i got something postive out of this god forsaken mess...and i confess i would gladly have it all back if he never cheated....but he did, and so it is...


tryn: i think you give me too much credit...

we will miss you during your hiatis...recharge my friend and come back when you are ready..


m3:

Things are going to get hinky after the baby is born. We follow the church's teachings about only using Natural Family Planning or no birth control at all and there is NO WAY I want to be pregnant again with my marriage so far out on the rocks. So, the sex life is probably going to be an issue. Can't wait! More fun coming my way.

hinky is a new word for me...not too sure if you mean...

option #1: hairy
option #2: crazy
option #3: busy

or something else alltogether since you follow it up with not wanting to have sex for fear of another pregnancy...

the way i look at it, he didn't follow any teachings of the church when he cheated, i would think this would entitle you to birth control until you do or don't work out your marriage...i call that the natural order of progression when you stick your dick in someone elses vagina...


sahm: the fact that you had a good marriage and that you had a before are gifts...its funny but before my d-day i would never have felt that way, infidelity was just a given deal-breaker...although i also thought that i would never be in this sich to begin with....


((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, January 29th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah, birth control. The big Catholic issue. So hard to understand -- so little followed.

Yep, my IC suggested a Vasectomy for WH -- said the punishment ought to fit the crime.

I took 16 years to join the church b/c I didn't understand the birth control thing -- but I just do now. I can't describe why I believe it's wrong, suffice it to say I don't see why I should pile another sin (especially one on MY soul) onto this mess. Y'all believe what you want about birth control, don't think I'm condeming you, it just doesn't work for me.

Ironically, I felt so sorry for MOW (before I knew about the A) because she got an IUD (and she's Catholic and her husband pressured her -- who knows, maybe my husband too!). She really wanted a 4th child and her BH refused. To me, refusing to have a child (ever, as opposed to not right now) is one of the cruelest things one spouse can do to another. Really. Probably as bad as an A to me. Perhaps THAT should be my WH's punishment since he still wants more.

And the A makes me sad for her in a way (maybe because we were "friends") because I think here she has two men in her life and at some level they are both just using her, and she loves them both. Of course, WH was using me too, but at least that's only *one* guy using me.

Of course, I'm going to give her BH the benefit of the doubt on the no more kids angle, because I have reason to suspect that he caught them before/during her last pregnancy and there was some speculation unknown to me at the time that child was WH's and not her BH's. Fortunately that is not the case (her BH is a different race than the rest of us so it's obvious those kids are all his.)

How do the OW let themselves be used so much? Where is their self esteem? They've bought into this feminist empowerment crap about sex and the rush probably gives them an ego boost, but they've got to take a huge hit to their self esteem if they have any conscience at all. You want empowerment? Spend 4 1/2 years slogging through one of the top law schools in the country at night while getting promoted in your full-time job 4 times. THAT, my friends is empowerment. (Just tooting my own horn )

I really think the same way about WH. Here he's been throwing himself at this woman for 2 decades and he gets a rush from it too, but really she's treated him like shit. Married another man behind his back and didn't even tell him. Then, shows back up a few years later after he's dared to fall in love with someone else and marry and have a child and starts breaking up what was a happy marriage. Even though I think he started it, she could have said no. I know I've done it.

Ok, I'm rambling. I have a phone session with my IC today, so that's great. I decided to see or talk to her weekly for now. I really think it will help.

Now I'm wondering when *she* figured out WH was cheating on me -- I bet it was years ago and she just could tell I was too blind to see it or wasn't ready to know or accept it. We'll see.

So, baby M is doing great, despite my weight loss. She's on track to be an 8+ pounder and healthy as can be. One less worry there! Plus, I can get on regular jeans that are 2 sizes smaller than when I got pregnant (size 8! -- not bad for a lady preggers with her 4th) (unbuttoned, of course) so that's cool too. I think I'm going to be bouncing back from this baby pretty fast.

Started reading a great book last night -- Forgiving the Unforgivable. It was helpful, but cerebral. Of course, I'm a total nerd, so that works for me.

Ok -- enough about me. If I write anymore about me y'all are going to think I have NPD.

B-SAHM:
But I do want to R. We had a good marriage.

Then go for it! Fight to the death!


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

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