Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: steve2020 (43223)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread X V I
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, February 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heís just rung and heís going to an exhibition in Munich next week. Flying out Sunday, coming home Wednesday (maybe.....) So itís no wonder Iím disconnected. >>>sigh<<<

m33, I think phoning while youíre with your IC sounds an excellent idea if she/heís agreeable. It sounds like you've pretty much made up your mind, it's just a question of when.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, February 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ukgirl:

I found he was lying over stupid stuff over two and years post dday. Heís just a liar. Period. Remember weepyís WH used to say stuff about things when he wasnít even at the event? My H does that too,

pfm does this too, and it is because of this and the never knowing, the never coming competely clean..that i choose to end it...i cannot live this way, i find it postiviely torturous, overwhelming and exhausting....i got to the point where i felt i deserved better, and if he wasn't up to snuff...then he is snuffed..!!!

m3: making the call with your ic is a good idea, it was the hardest thing i ever had to do,...but i do not regret at all...after a couple of calls back and forth the same day, i never heard from him again, i presume that he believed whatever story she came with....and that is their business....i did the right thing...


((((lh2))))


((((tribe))))

headed to a prom meeting tonite for dd....i can't believe all the things that have to be done so far in advance...i wonder if this means that when may/june roll along, she just has to show up??? ...somehonw i doubt it..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, February 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl... If H gonna do it again, he's gonna do it again. I agree.. no need worrying about it today. I would hope he would NOT want to hurt you more then what he's already done. You go have some fun!

M33 and SAHM, After the OWH's know.. and I hate to bring this up, but it is a fact about infidelity. And you can read it here on SI... Mating motives lie behind most murders. So just tell H's to watch out for a few months. I read about this rage and even I went through this... When people have A's, they have no idea the danger and higher risk they put themselfs at...

Ok... sorry for such a horrible warning.. but that's life!

Peace to all and won't be back until after the Superbowl.... Go Colts!!

[This message edited by trynhard at 5:16 PM, February 3rd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, February 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry.. double post!

Go Colts again.

[This message edited by trynhard at 5:14 PM, February 3rd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:08 AM, February 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH used to say stuff about things when he wasnít even at the event? My H does that too,

pfm does this too,
Is this something common to the LTA spouse??? When weíre in company and he says something and I KNOW he wasnít there Ė or even worse, he takes MY story and makes it his own Ė Iím almost open mouthed. As someone once explained to me (dipstick, I think), heís just bigging himself up and itís a form of attention seeking. God knows why he needs to do it. It just makes him look more of a fuckwit than he already is!!

headed to a prom meeting tonite for dd...
When did they get to be so grown up?

m33, I took ages writing the letter to OWH, trimming it down from a 3-page rant to a single factual document. And it was a good letter, thanks to the help I had here. It was the right thing to do. His reaction to her wasnít my problem (although I reckoned he wouldnít physically go for her), she had created the situation and she would have to deal with the consequences. I didnít care about her, actually.

Have a good day Tribe.

ETA: Thanks Tryn. I know, I know! And go Colts....(whoever they are )

[This message edited by UKgirl at 3:13 AM, February 4th (Thursday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, February 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ETA: Thanks Tryn. I know, I know! And go Colts....(whoever they are )


they are a football team, and i believe they are in the superbowl...a really really big football game...i do not personnally watch it or care for it, but they have great commercials usually attached to it, but now you can see these commercials online...and i think i saw something in the tv guide about a show of just superbowl commercials???


ukgirl:

WH used to say stuff about things when he wasnít even at the event? My H does that too,


pfm does this too,
Is this something common to the LTA spouse???

i have no idea on this one....when pfm lies what i call stupid lies or lies to make himself look better i just think its who he is and where he comes from...the whole family is a bunch of liars...these lies would make me insane once upon a time, actually they still do, all lies make me insane....the only acceptable lies are the lies are for a happy surprise or about nonsense like how a person looks so that you do not hurt their feelings about that that cannot be changed.... this is a hard concept to teach kids....and apparantly many adults...because many adults lie about so much.....and all the rest of it ends up hurting someone..

need to stop ramblin about lyin, for now anyways..


prom meeting last nite ended up being a bit of fight between pfm and i....i made a decision to put my entire family into family therapy...i need to disengage from trying to teach him how to parent, it is not working...and my kids need an outlet, and a safe place to air it all....and i feel really good about this decision....i haven't informed my kids yet...i think with dd it will be an issue....but i am not giving her the choice, none of them will have the choice.....so pfm's ic and my ic will hopefully put their heads together to find us one....(his ic and my ic are colleagues).....i pray we find a good one off the bat....


gotta go now, my bigger charge wants to play a game....thank god for kids, they ooze joy

((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, February 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ukg,

The way I see it, you have 2 options and that they are not mutually exclusive.
You could more involved with H's work life - find out more about the people he meets, accompany him on trips - not to keep an eye on him but to reassure you that he is on the up and up, and this might also make you two closer. It seems, from what you say, that you might feel like you are on the outside, looking in on his life?
Secondly, how about paving your own new path? How about a career change? Study again? Travel? Volunteer work? Now that the boys have gone onto new journeys, maybe you should too!

I find the more I focus on myself, the less I worry about H and what may or may not happen.Its a nice feeling.

***
Miracle,
Family therapy for the whole family sounds like a wonderful gift. All the best with that.

***
Ukg,
I was thinking about what you said about your H making up stuff - mine has altered memories so much that I question my sanity!
For eg. he insists that he kept a petname for one of the DDs when I KNOW it was me. He insists that he used to sing them a lullaby but I KNOW it was me cos I made it up! The other day, my BIL was complimenting him on his cooking (he has come a long way in the lst 2 years) and he said that his cooking was due to him living alone for some 8 years before we m'd and that he has always cooked like this. Rubbish! He was a frier and a microwaver until 2 years ago. It was one of the reasons why he couldnt help me when the kids were growing up as I didnt like them having too much fried food.But he now insists that he has always cooked like that.

I dont get upset when he says these things. I shake my head to myself and think how sad that he has to romanticise his life before. If I didnt have this forum and my posts here, he would be claiming now that he never did have those As.LOL.

It is a worry though, isnt it?
That after all this time, that they can still lie or fabricate.

***
Tryn,
Go errr..Colts too!


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, February 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

living the lies...

is it possible that these men need to fabricate ...i mean really need to...that they feel so insecure in every aspect of their lives that fabricating new items, no matter how small or inane is necessary...because even if they are not currently involved in the huge lies of infidelity why continue with these other lies...why do they seem necessary...

i remember for the longest time i would ask pfm questions, any random question from why is that building there to something political and he ALWAYS, ALWAYS had a ready answer...and later i would find out that he really just didn't know, and he NEVER could admit that he just didn't know...it drove me crazy, because everytime he answered, he always sounded like he knew what he was talking about...when in truth he did not....major flaw in his character....

tryn and dip....how about the women...did they do this too?...



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, February 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok. I saw IC and she/we decided not to tell OW's H. I know not everyone would agree with that, but the reasoning is sound and the IC suggested it first.

Without writing a novel, because we've been close to their family my IC and I have a relatively complete picture of everyone involved.

So, essentially we both agreed that OW is a total sociopath and that her BH already knows about the A anyhow and would rather pretend that he doesn't.

So, that's all. I feel really good after my session with my IC today.

So, there is still work to be done and feelings to be dealt with, but progress is being made.

I could explain all of it in more depth, but really I might as well write a novel at that point.

[This message edited by m334455 at 3:43 PM, February 4th (Thursday)]


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, February 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3:

Ok. I saw IC and she/we decided not to tell OW's H.

So, essentially we both agreed that OW is a total sociopath and that her BH already knows about the A anyhow and would rather pretend that he doesn't.

yes i am afraid i disagree with you and your ic, i learned a long time ago never ever assume anything and this entire experience drove that home with a wooden stake in my heart...

she may very well be sociopath, her husband may very well know about her affair...and then again ..she may not be a sociapath and her husband may not know....

it this is your choice and you are comfortable with it, a choice that will give you no regret then go with it...

i am going to play a little devils advocate...what if he really has no idea, what if she contracted a std and now is having active sex with her h....would you regret not telling him then...

what would you want in reverse....would you rather live in the dark...

if he does know, then by telling him, it confirms this knowledge and what he now does or does not do with this info is his business...

if he suspects but has no proof, you will have provided it

if he really has no clue, do you believe you can make that decision for him not to know..


when i first found out about my ws first ow, she is the only one married that i know of, i really didn't want to be the one to break up that family, i didn't want that on my head...then i realized that that was not my job, if she contracted a std and then transmitted it to her h, that would be knowledge he would need...if he chooses not do do anything about it then that is his problem, and i actually believe that is exactly what happened...but i could sleep at night because i did the right thing...

granted this may not be the right thing for you and ultimately it is your decision, not ours or your ic's, but yours, you are the one who will have to live with it, not the rest of us....

i told my children tonite that pfm and i decided to go to family therapy,....i told them that i could no longer handle their issues with their dad, i do not have the tools to do it anymore, i need help..

reactions were all negative:

dd17:..(who is the only one who knows) "do you really want me to say everything in front of everybody"..

i answered that the therapist would make that call, if she felt that she should then yes, if not she will let you know what would need to remain private, if she says o.k., then o.k...


ds16:...."ok mom i could see how this makes you a realist"..said dripping in sarcasm....and i said yes "c" it does because i am admitting that i cannot handle all these issues any more and i need help in helping this family be a family ...he said "oh really, you think so"..with even more sarcasm...so i said yes really and if you don't like what i say, guess what, tell the therapist, she will be an objective party who if she agrees with you will tell me so......he just stomped off as did his sister...


ds14:..."we all have to go"...like i am taking him for 100 needles...."yes, "t" we all have to go...

so as you could tell from their responses they are just so excited to go...

i know i am looking forward to it, i am already starting to disengage from pfm as a co-parent...the only thing we are supposed to be staying together for....but i cannot go there anymore, as many times as i tell him what he needs to do as a dad, how to step up and gain ground i am ignored over and over, or depending on the sich he just doesn't get what it is i am trying to teach him about parenting...my ic keeps telling me that i cannot control him even in this, and that i need to step back, getting myself all worked up is not going to solve the problem, shes been suggesting family therapy from the getgo, i finally see that light...

my name is iwantamiracle and i am a fixaholic..and i am here to admit that i cannot fix that that does not want fixing, ...or the unfixable ...at least by me.....

there i admitted it, its out in the open...as dr phil says all the time, you cannot change what you do not acknoweldge... ...yay the first step in fixing my fixing problem...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, February 5th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK tribe.. I need some help. All along I have been thinking about infidelity, then all the sudden these birds have flown just into my windows around me...my house, weekend retreats.. etc.. I think it was messages from God! Yesterday, while on a back road in Michigan, I had these stop me. This time, I was NOT thinking about infidelity, but once I saw these goofy birds... I thought about infidelity! go figure..

M33Ö

I saw IC and she/we decided not to tell OW's H.

You are wrong to decide this. I will tell you why. By NOT telling, you are now a lie and are hurting the OW husband greatly. She will not be able to change without her H knowing. Even with her mental illness, she can change and get help. She will go on to hurt others. My wifeís first A with a M man happened in 1988. If the OMís wife knew and didnít tell me, she COMMITTED ME to years of very harsh suffering. I SAY YEARS!!! My wife got away with the first A, but had I known, or even decided to stay with my wife back then, my suffering would not have been what it is today. I almost committed suicide and almost killed another human being over this. I know back then I was younger, I was a lion among lions and would have been able to handle a short A. I would have had stronger boundaries and my Wís second A would not have happened. Shortly after my Wís first A, we had a very good loving M. Two wonderful kids came during that period. About 5 years, my wife needed the feeling from a new relationship again and started the beginning of her second 8 year A. The "once a cheater, always cheater" feelings comes into play. These feelings will not leave unless exposed. After my W started her 2nd A, I begged my wife to love me for those 8 years, wondering, what was the problem? Being in the dark, manipulated, not able to find a solution to our issuesÖ My W was sick and could not tell me of her A, stuck in a horrible double life that lasted for years... No way anyone can feel good about themselves stuck in that. If I had known about her first A, our lives would have been better. M33, you have a chance to change someones life for the better after all thier horrible decisions.

I compare not tell OWís Husband the same as knowing a child molester and not telling. Knowing a wife beater, and not telling. Too me, you have no choice, you must tell in your case. It is a morality issue. I understand so many people think killing an unborn child, Abortion, is moral. Fact is, it is death and murder. So that is your choice, be moral or not. And you can go tell your IC what I say. Let OW's H decide.. not you! I lost a close friendship over my wife's A. It is all part of evilness and you must deal with it. Take a chance and do what is right. New friends will come with your new life you are about to begin. My wife has new friends.... I have new friends.

Iwant...

tryn and dip....how about the women...did they do this too?...
I think women have ego's too. My wife is not that way... and in all the years dealing with professional women in business, none are that way. But I do know many men that are! It is the ego and "One-upmanship" So many men need to feel like a leader, on top, the Alpha Dog... It is so transparent in so many men.. These guys don't even realise they do it! I think it is funny. I throw "crap" at those type guys all the time... It's funny to see them react... None of my close friends are like that.. lol

Oh well... Don't let those turkeys get you down.

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:04 AM, February 5th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, February 5th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All right. A call for assistance. I somehow feel useful.

Except for the lying during the A and the more recent money deal, my W does not lie. She does not like people that lie. Can not stand to be around them.

The lying that she did during the A was most often lying by ommision. The money deal was all ommission. During the time of her LTA most of her out of town trips were legit. When she got back and we discussed her trip she just left out the part about screwing the OM. Since I did not think to ask about her sex life on the road, she did not have to lie about him

She did lie to me about a few trips she made, and about who she met with in our city, sometimes. This was/is hard to understand. How can someone who is not in the habit of lying do this so easily?

I agree with trying. It has been my experience that women do not lie like the men. I have not known a women that was a habitual liar. (I'm sure there are several) I have know several men who would tell stories that are similar to what every one has posted. UKgirl was right. It was me that told her about attention seeking and trying to be the big man. Like tryinghard said, they want to be the alpha male. If you are around more that one of these guys, the first liar does not have a chance. The second liar can always top the first. I have heard some crazy and totally unbelievable shit. The ones that liked to brag about their sexual conquests were very irritating. In fact as I grew older I had less patience with these people. Listening to them is a total waste of my time.

Some of these men lie so much that even when the truth is the best option, they have the need to lie. It does make them look stupid.

Let me ask this question to all the women here. Do you know any females that are habitual liars? Stuff like telling stories that are 80 to 100% untrue. Not A related lies but other stuff.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, February 5th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn,
Re your turkeys:
When the turkey visits us it is a sign that we must be mindful of the blessings bestowed upon us each day. Further, it is a message to express our strength and brilliance - it's time to show our own plumage and reveal true selves.

***
Dipstick,

Except for the lying during the A and the more recent money deal, my W does not lie.

She did lie to me about a few trips she made, and about who she met with in our city, sometimes.

She is/was a liar, Dip.
Anyone engaged in a LTA has to be f'ing fantastic at lying because how else would they get away with it?
The sheer complexity of keeping up another life/face has to mean that you have to be pretty good at this.
You know, my H was one of those who openly hated liars and cheaters - he would go ballistic if anyone cheated in a game of cards. Which was one of the reasons we were all shocked when the extent of his LTAs came out. Cos he is just not "that kinda guy".

I digress.
Re your q relating to women who lie - no, I dont know anyone personally but the 2 OW in our sitch had to be pretty darn good cos they sure fooled their Hs too.

***
With V day coming up, my inbox is filling up fast on all those articles re 'How to fall in love with your S again, how to make your S fall in love with you again, etc etc.
And it unnerves me (remember I am too disconnected to feelanger/sadness ), to know that H has never loved me, never fell in love with me; married me for all the wrong reasons, and yet we are still are, together. Shame on me.

***
Check out Ukg's thread in G - great article.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, February 5th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m334455.

I did not contact the BW of the OM#2. I had zero advice about how to handle that issue. Right or wrong I did what I did. 20 plus years ago I did not have the resources available that are around today. I might have had a different approach if I would have had more instruction.

I think that you have good reasons for making your choice. The points that miracle and tryn are making are also valid.

I was glad to read that you have made the choice you did. While I was reading your recent posts concerning this matter, I kept asking myself this. Why now? You are getting ready to have a baby. I just could not understand why this could not wait for a little while. Of course you have had more experience having babies than I have had so maybe one has nothing to do with the other. O.K. Here I am sounding like a nervous grandfather again. I guess I can't help it!

tryn.

Nice Tom turkeys. I saw several a few days ago. They are getting ready to start fighting over the girls. Spring is just around the corner. Go Colts. I have $20 on them. I had to give 3 points.

miracle.

Fixaholic! I would have never known. You hide it well.

It sounds like you and your C are in for some interesting times with this family thearpy. Hopefully the kids will get a different attitude after the first few days. Your poor thearpist. Rebelious teens, pfm, and to top it off a controlling fixaholic. I should not be laughing. Once again, I just could not pass that up.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, February 5th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost Heart2

Thanks for your reply. When I said she does not lie I was answering miracle's question which I took to mean the habitual off the wall type of lying that some BH's seem to do. My W does not engage in that type of lying.

I guess I am seperating the A related cover your ass type of lying from the look at me, I am so cool, tough, the best hunter/fisherman, and I really score with the opposite sex, type of lying.

I agree that to have a LTA one does have to be pretty good at it. However, all situations are different. I was away at work sometimes for several days. Back in those days communicating long distance was expensive. I had co-workers who spent $200 or more a month on phone calls. We chose not to spend our money like that. Sometimes when I was home she had to be away. So our face to face time was limited. When we were home together, we often chose not to discuss work. Her LTA was work related. All of this made it easier for her to handle the double life. She did not have to face me everyday. She did not have to answer to anyone concerning where she went or who she was with. If all of that was different would she have still had her A. Maybe so. It might not have been as easy. I will say that the times she did have to lie she was good at it. Another advantage she had was I was in general too trusting. She even used to get on to me about this concerning business related matters. Yes, even though she used my trusting quality against me, she was always trying to change that part of me.

Like your H my W does not like people who would cheat at cards or games. It is fine to have a LTA or A but you better not cheat at cards? It is stupid isn't it?

I never liked V day. I always thought of it as a money scam by the card/choc/flower, and jewelry companys. I sound like Mr romantic don't I? Don't get me wrong though. I used to agree with the sweetheart idea. I did not like the you better get her something or else rule. I did always get her something though. I still do.

I'm sorry that the emails and V day unnerves you. I know that feeling. It is hard to get away from. It makes me sad to see you say "shame on me." You are a good person. You did not cheat. Say "shame on him."

To any who are still awake I give special award hugs. To those that fell asleep during this post, I give I understand and it is O.K. hugs.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, February 5th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn:

i looked up the symbolism of the turkey and this is what i found:

Quick summary of animal symbolism of the turkey:

Pride
Abundance
Generosity
Awareness
Virility
Fertility
Sacrifice

considering you've seen these birds a couple of times, i don't think it has as much to do with your thoughts on the a as is your thought on you...who you are now after the a, those qualities that are now present and accounted for quite heavily now....

i believe you are a proud man, your gifts (like your photgraphy) are in abundance, as is your generosity of spirit,,you awareness is fine tuned now to both your needs as well as your wifes,..i don't think i need to explain the next 2...they kind of go hand in hand...or body to body.. ...and sacrifice....kind of goes somewhat with pride....you have sacrificed some of your pride to make your marriage work...not to mention the sacrifice made unbeknownst to you by your wife.....

i think this symbal is one of reaffirmation of "you"...


tryn and dip: thank you for answering that question...so it seems its a man thing... the need to make themselves more then what they are, and in so many ways...

i do know of a few female compulsive liars...

the first one is my aunt..she is 8 years older then i and from what my mom has told me, she has always lied from the time she could talk,,and she would like about anything, and all of it stupid....i don't think she ever did hurtful lies though...just stupid ones...like telling you she went shopping a kmart when she went shopping at walmart...really stupid...

then came my sil, then my mil....2 very manipulative women...would lie about anything especially if it would hurt someone they had it in for...i knew this one first hand...way way too many times..pfm's whole family is like this, only 1 sil is not as bad as the other...they are truly warped individuals...and a disgrace to humanity, their religion and most of all to each other...

dip:

Fixaholic! I would have never known. You hide it well.

It sounds like you and your C are in for some interesting times with this family thearpy. Hopefully the kids will get a different attitude after the first few days. Your poor thearpist. Rebelious teens, pfm, and to top it off a controlling fixaholic. I should not be laughing. Once again, I just could not pass that up.

does this mean i didn't fool you by hiding my "problem"?

and yes therapy will be quite interesting....earlier today i got a phone call from ds16 math teacher...apparantly he is missing 3 h.w.'s this week, the start of a new marking period....so i pick him up from school, i tell him to get back into the school to find his math teacher and do the h.w. that is missing...i come back later to pick him up and are you ready for this...he tells me "why do you yell and punish me instead of giving me support"...so i asked him, i a very loud voice...."support, you want support, this is h.w....what do you want me to do, to do it for you, not gonna happen, you are 16 years old...you choose the behavior, you choose the consequence"...so he decides to yell back that..."well after all this time, yelling at him and punishing him is not working, why don't i try to give him support"...so obviously he is not only not listening to me, he is not listening to how absurd he is being..so i tell him what i said earlier and then i add..."well i guess you could add this to the list to bring to family therapy, how its my fault that you are not doing your h.w.,, because at 16 you cannot just do what you are supposed to do...."...i confiscated his phone and his ipod...he didn't mind the phone so much but the ipod that he bought with his own money infuriated him...he believed that since he paid for it, it was his belonging and i had no right to take it away..so i then explained that when people get in trouble with the law, the police take everything they have away, and in this house i am the police, like it or not.....

it boggles my mind how much he like his dad, the blameshifting, the gaslighting ( tried to tell me that i am out of my mind), the lies...oh my g-d the LIES....

oh and i caught him doing porn again....but i need to support him.... ...

this is one of those times i don't like being a mom so much....and i think what bothers me more then anything is that if pfm had stepped up way back when, if he was the dad he was supposed to be this would not be happenin...he was a lousy father, and i let it happen...

i know i know i cannot control him, i cannot "FIX" him....god knows i tried, i am steppin back, but it doesn't stop the anger....

then on top of all this, pfm is going into staten island ( an hour away) for a "meeting"..so i asked him what his timeline was, he tells me that he should be home around 1ish...well in the past when he did these meetings, he was never hom til dinner or after...and one of these meetings he took an overnighter....so obviously this was a huge fuckin trigger...and he looks at me like i have 62 heads and they are all bobble heads....he truly does not get what he has done or what he did, so now i'm thinkin to myself well iguess that means thses so called meetings were not as long as you let on, so where the fuck were you...fuck being the new operative word...all of this of course is going on in my head because all my kids are sitting there, and we just finished with some heated arguing with my son.....

and it fucking hurts...it just hurts..i am so tired of feeling like this....i still wish he died instead..

o.k. need to shake this off, snot will appear soon, i think i will go make a cup of tea...i will be back later...


btw, tryn, i thought we wouldn't hear from you til after super bowl...those turkeys really must have rattled you....be strong my friend, be strong...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, February 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

btw, tryn, i thought we wouldn't hear from you til after super bowl...those turkeys really must have rattled you....
lol... Yes they did! But thats Ok if I visit when I get the urge.. I thought I'd be so busy thinking other sfuff wouldn't drop by... I know there will come a time when I won't be around. Not sure when that will be yet... and I wanted to share my turkeys.. Thanks for all the nice things said... it made me feel good.

Lost Heart2... Hey, I never thought to look that meaning up! Neat. I saw a coyote that day too...


M33 I hope I didn't scare you off from posting. No matter what you decide, it is peace within your own mind that matters.

I think I pushed ejs5 away too... wanting her to go to Retrouvaille... I was forceful because you learn so much! I won't push you Ej any more.

Hey Dip.. wish'n you and all could come by for our big party tonight. Last superbowl party at our house, OM was over. OMW told me after dday, W and OM went into other room to kiss.. ole the thrill that must have been (always something!)... So... This time maybe these memories will be better.

Peace to all today.

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:39 AM, February 7th (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Content  Posted: 6:48 AM, February 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning all!
I was reading thru everyone's posts & when I saw the reference to getting more involved in your spouse's work life, a question popped up for me.
Especially as my h's ow was a coworker, I've been trying to listen more & understand his job more because I want him to have someone he can talk to & understand these issues now that ow is (hopefully) no longer a sounding board for him. There are lots of social functions at his work which I know he wants to go to, but everyone at his job basically knows about the A (caused the ow to transfer out of his location)& she still socializes with some of his current co-workers. I feel like no one at his job knows me & that maybe contibuted to his ease in keeping his 2 worlds separate. I'd love to go to these events, but worried that either he or I will feel awkward under the circumstances. (If OW shows up, I'm able to remain civil & distant - but if she approaches him/us - different story.) Has anyone had any experience with something like this?


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, February 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m33, this is your choice. You can amend this at any time. Personally, the more I thought about it, the more I came to realise that perhaps BH didnít know after all (FWH convinced me he prob did) and that I would hate, if our roles were reversed, to have that information deliberately withheld from me. That three of them were in on the secret and I was still being left for a fool. That the other betrayed party did not consider my future or that my WH might go on to wreck another family. I wrote a letter 17months after dday. I said that I hadnít done it before as emotionally I would have been unable to deal with any fallout from MOW, BH or any family member. I said I was sorry if I was the bearer of heartache and if he had any questions he could call me. Anyone here would have wished to have at least known earlier, wouldnít we? But it really is your choice. Once done, it cannot be undone.

this is a hard concept to teach kids....
As is to tell the truth in the first instance, cos the repercussions will be less severe than if caught out in a lie. Trouble is, FWH told himself he wasnít lying because it was (like Mrs Dipstick) lying by omission Ė which wasnít the same.
When she got back and we discussed her trip she just left out the part about screwing the OM. Since I did not think to ask about her sex life on the road, she did not have to lie about him
Yep. If I had asked directly Ö.. well, he didnít like to think about that. Like he didnít actually think about being one of those part-time Dads whose kids hated them for what they had done to their mother.

FWH's gone off to Munich. I canít go with him cos the three older boys are in NZ and therefore not able to be in loco parentis to DS4 who is still in FT education. I can go with him for a day, but not overnight. The head office is over 200miles away, the office here is home. DS4 has started his exams a year early, so is needing constant reassurance that he is capable. Heís had sleepless nights and made himself ill over it. I think heís been put forward for a couple more in the summer. So, bottom line is I have to accept the regular absences are part and parcel of FWHís job, always have been, always will be. It's what made the affair so easy for him. Heís making himself available for any calls, but then I feel ridiculous if I check up on him. If he wants to cheat or is back with MOW (donít think so) then thatís his choice and he knows the consequences. I donít HAVE to believe him anymore, which is just as well with some of the stories he tells.

Iíve got big projects going on in the house at the moment, but I thought Iíd bebrave and apply for some PT jobs for the summer season to get a different focus. A baby step into temp work. FWH wants me to go and see the boys, but itís a big chunk of money and, of course, the house renovation work is well over budget (about 100%!!!)

LostH, Dipís right, not shame on you, shame on him. Gotta agree with that one.

how its my fault that you are not doing your h.w.,, because at 16 you cannot just do what you are supposed to do...."
Sorry girl, but of COURSE itís your fault!!! Everything is your fault! I used to tell my boys that they could always leave home after 16. Old enough to get married, old enough to take responsibility for their education. Thereís the door. You can call over for dinner. So, staying or going? Hey, tell him there are three boys who have been shipped off to NZ for answering their mother back! ( )

Allgood, Well itís the opposite for me. I was there for WH through all the shit times, the times when he had a court case with an employer and I was the one running to and fro with papers, I did know and listen and was interested in anything to do with his work, we discussed interviews, job prospects, legalities, commissions, everything really. I am sure MOW didnít know the half of it; he would only have told her about the good and successful bits of his working life (along with all the exaggerations, of course). I can see nothing wrong with your H taking you to corporate events Ė you are his wife! You can always say things like, now the children are a bit older itís easier, blah, blah. And yes, decide and agree how both of you will deal with OW before you run into her. Walking behind her with a banner proclaiming who she is probably wouldnít be a good idea though.

OK, I get it now about the Colts. I donít think Iíll be staying up to watch the game live, but I will pick up on the result. Go, Colts, go!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, February 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this is a really bad weekend for me.....one trigger after another....

it never seems to end..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.