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User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread X V I
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, October 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

trynhard.

I'm glad I was able to talk you out of the RA. It appears that you are easy to control.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, October 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

trynhard.

I posted that last message before I wanted to. Is that called premature postulation?

I wanted to comment about the resentment factor.

Like some of us BS's, I was pretty pissed at the notion that I did not choose to take a walk on the wild side. I worked away and had plenty of chances. These chances were before, during and after her A's.

It sorta makes you feel like you missed out. Kind of like the little kid that did not get invited to someones birthday party.

I read a good article concerning resentment and A's. I have it saved and will try to find it and post a link.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, October 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted that last message before I wanted to. Is that called premature postulation?


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
mickey321
♂ Member
Member # 25725
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, October 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I thought was interesting was the IC said she thought WH has conflict avoidance issues and that he could have been acting out in ANGER!

Our MC said almost those exact words last Monday. MC then looked at me and said,"your wife is an angry person and has been since before the M. Unfortunately, you caught the brunt of it."

But, it makes sense to me. And WW is a conflict avoider, with a little passive agression thrown in as well.


BH 44 Me
WW 39
DS 9 years old
D-Day 03July2009
R - Trying

Posts: 58 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Midwest
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, October 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

old dipstick... that was so funny... yep... I guess I've been controlled all my life!
Yes, I’d like to read the Resentment factor… it’s not that I resent not being able to “cheat” or “live on the wild side”… I resent not being able to make a choice not knowing all the facts. I’m saying I lived up to my promise. Had my wife just come to me and said, “I want to have romance with my boss” or “I am going to have sex with my boss”… If that was her feeling, they are what they are…. then I could have made a choice to stay, leave, open relationship, or whatever… Heck yes I was controlled… that is a fact!
Well, I know this.. I have good self control… lol I have been wanting to spread my seeds since High School… but I had value in my M. Some people are just evil and have no values or never learned values. If your spouse is evil, then I say “RUN FORREST RUN!”
I think my wife just never learned values. It’s not that she knew what she was doing was wrong. It’s about truly having inside your soul to be a good person. I believe it take experience to understand it Maybe I learned when I cheated on my first long term girlfriend and never told. My second long term girlfriend then cheated on me. I experienced both early in life along with strong good parents.
I believe people change and glad I am giving my wife a second chance. She has been a good wife lately and boy did I put her through hell. I’m changing too as I learn from this site and all the other good people here….

Hey Micky... sorry you are part of our club... the good hot sweet ladies here call it the tribe... Hang tough... you now know you been controlled for years as years.

Iwant.. that is me being the puppet master... lol... You tell me... last week, my wife says.. if you wash the dog, i'll give you a treat! So I washed the dog... I got my treat... I guess I'm just like da dog.

[This message edited by trynhard at 12:14 PM, October 23rd (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
old dipstick
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Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, October 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


iwantamiracle.

I'm glad I made you laugh. A few pages back you said I could ramble. So......

You said I should tell her about the triggers. I know you are right, but there are a few problems with that.

She has had to deal with childhood SAB ( non relative ) and childhood emotional abuse issuses.

After her confession on DD#2, she was devastated. Torn up by guilt, shame and remorse. She never blamed me. The only time she got angery with me was when I was mean while she was telling me about the A's. I was not nice.

She continued to spiral downward until she had a nervous breakdown. Out of control, hysterical, crying, and a danger to herself. It was not a act. This was real, and very serious.

I had made up my mind to leave, but there was no way I could leave her while she was in this condition.

Like I said before, I had to put my needs on the back burner. That was hard to do. She did this awful thing to me, but here I was having to try and bite my tongue.

I messed up one day, got pissed and said some things I should not have said. It set her back. As she was crying out of control, she actually said that she wished I would shoot her instead of asking these questions and making those horrible statements. After settling her down, I said to my self that I would not approach this subject with her again.

She got IC and was able to make a turn for the better. She probably needed to have more IC, but the C thought she was better.

She had a good job and was successful at it. If fact she was in line for a promotion. Her LTA was work related and her job took her out of town and to motels. I told her that if she wanted to stay with me, she had to quit the job. I could not handle her being off on her own. ( She would have slipped again ) She agreed to quit on the spot. Did not even think about it. She chose me in an instant.

I think most of us are on a slippery slope of some sort. For us BS"s it can be triggers that send us on a little slide. WW's have triggers too, and because of her diminished capacity to handle this subject, ( the A's ) I feel like I have to leave things as they are. I do not want to play with matches while soaked in gasoline.

This may all sound dramatic, and a over reaction on my part. If you had seen what I have seen you would know that a nervous breakdown is a terrible thing to witness. It has taken a long time, but right now, she is as happy as she has ever been.


I believe fairyfriend and iwantamiracle suggested that I seek IC. Due to where I live that is going to be a bit of a logistical problem. I do have a appointment with my family doc in a few days. He will be refering me to a specialist and I will speak with that dr. about my problem. He should know how I should approach this issue.

It is time to sign off. I should have made "Rambling Man" my screen name.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, October 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

trynhard.
Here is the link. It may already be on SI. If it is sorry. The resentament info is part #4. The whole article is pretty good. Surly somewhere in it you will be able to find more evidence to support the control theory.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, October 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just dropping by to say hi. I’ve not really been around much being troubled with trying to find a box big enough to hold this shit that was dumped on me. I’ve had three of the four boys go off to New Zealand (they're travelling for a year or so) and that’s been unexpectedly tough. I’m used to having anything up to ten in the house and tonight it’s just me and DS4. So I’ve not had much to contribute and felt that too much time in here would pull me down.

Hi to the newbies dipstick, nofun and mickey. The LTA forum is a brilliant place for support, advice and bounce off the wall thoughts. I twisted myself into tortuous knots after dday, trying to understand the reasons why. After three years, I no longer buy into his “I was in a dark place”. I have concluded he had an affair because he wanted to and because he could. Simple. And those involved in LTA’s are a different bunch. They did not make a “mistake”, they made the choice to continue the deceit year on year. Their issues run deep. Unfortunately, my FWH did not and does not feel the need to delve into whatever his issues were or are and hasn’t had IC, although he did come to MC, but that was to “fix” me more than to sort what was wrong with him. Ho hum.

I’m still trying to find that place where I feel comfortable with FWH and our M. I have come to the acceptance point and know I can’t change what has happened, though how I wish I could. I’ve also come to accept that, with the AP being the ex-fiancee, I have never had essential “truth” in my marriage. That being recognised and while I acknowledge FWH isn’t lying to me right now; what I believed to be true never was and so I realise that I cannot trust my inner judgment or intuition esp when it comes to him or our relationship. Someone has posted a thread in Gen about change in the WS. I agree with w_a_l. FWH’s behaviour has changed because he didn’t like the consequences of dday. I do not trust either of us enough to believe he has changed at his core. Anyway, only HE can know if he’s changed or not inside.

It was great to lunch with a SI sister and friend today, also in the LTA bracket. Our FWS’s share so many traits it really is uncanny. And the OW’s who were getting to the point where they really had had enough of biding their time – leave your wife and get over here! Sheesh. There really should be a book about the predictability of it all. >>>>shaking head with disbelief<<<<<

Tryn, I liked your take on controlling. I happen to believe that the WS is controlling the primary relationship, consciously or otherwise. They have to believe they have that upper hand in order to continue having the affair and they have to control the possibility or reality of our suspicions, our emotional and sexual connection and many other aspects of the relationship. If they lost control, then there was the probability of being found out.

LYB – It sound positive from what you are saying, but I think you shouldn’t get back in too deep too quickly. He may be trying now (which is a good thing), but treat with extreme caution and a dollop of scepticism. Take care hon.

OK. I’ve caught up with everyone. I think this rambling has gone on long enough.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 5:24 PM, October 23rd (Friday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, October 24th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

everyday i am shown how foo issues are this huge deal in someones life...and here i am the mother of 3 teenagers and i question everyday whether or not i am doing right by by kids, and then there are the days which i seemingly have more often then not that i wonder what harm am i doing to my kids especially my son today.....pfm has already done so much damage, am i making that worse, am i really helping, am i really doind as much "damage control" as i could be ....there is that lovely word again tryn...."control"...where does one draw the line with their kids

Miracle,
It has been proven consistently that when a child has at least one secure attachment with a carer, when a child knows and feels that he/she is loved, safe and worthy, that child will be able to face whatever comes their way with resilience and strength.
From your posts, it is evident that you care and love your children; that you share a close loving bond with each of them. Thats the best you can do, Miracle. Whatever your H has done to them, they will always be able to rely on that inner core which you have built.

I am sorry your boy is going through a tough time. Is he seeing a counsellor? Sometimes (and I am unsure if this applies to your DS) one child in the family "acts" out the underlying negative emotions running through the family, sort of like the family kettle, letting out all that steam. Then again, 16 is a heck of an age.

You are a good mother, Miracle. Dont doubt that.

*****
Miracle,
Remember you asked me about my father issues I am dealing with in IC?
I am terrible at describing but will try:
My poor relationship with my father is reflected often in my relationship with my H.
When I married H, I thought I was marrying the opposite of my F. Sure on paper it looked that way, but I have found out in the last 2 years, how horribly similar they really are.

This week in IC we discussed how I would like H to step up and care for me; love and nourish me, be emotionally intimate with me.
This I am expecting from someone who has proven consistently over the years that he is not capable of doing this.
IC thinks its similar to me growing up, looking to my father to care and love us,yet he too proved consistently that his needs would always come first.
Sometimes I am so darn cliched, I could smack myself!

I am going to hospital on Monday and that, as well as my failed expectations, have been triggering something in me.
My body is talking to me (cant sleep, tummy is bloated and constantly hungry, headaches, sore throat at night, I evn woke up a few times with no voice); my mind is talking to me (crazy scary dreams, inability to concentrate, highly emotional) and instead of honouring what I am being told, I have been ignoring them for the last 2 weeks, preferring instead to look to my H for (nonexistent) help or the medicine cabinet; whilst sliding down.

I had a light bulb yesterday when I read a PM from a dear friend here who reminded me that I need to look after myself; that I need to look to myself for nourishment and care. That I needed to love myself.
Maybe thats what my body and mind has been telling me. I also think there is some ptsd to this as well but I am not ready to go there on my own (my poor ic!
).

So THATS my rambling.

*****
Old dipstick (gotta love that name ),
Your ability to put your wife's needs above your needs is amazing.
Now that she is on safer ground, maybe its time you both tackled what she has done. Unfort sweeping it under the rug because she is as happy as ever, just dont cut it. You are owed explanations. You are owed some retribution. You need to heal yourself from this.
Its a pity that IC is not readily available where you are. Would you consider
telephone counselling? There are also some self help books available like the Harvile Hendrix ones with the workbook.
However can I advise that before you both tackle the LTA and M, that you heal yourself first?


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, October 24th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mickey: welcome to our (((tribe)))

another male perspective...yay..i personally enjoy hearing all different points of view...its quite healing to hear them and try to understand them...

speaking of perspective i was give quite a little lesson this a.m....

i had my alarm set for 7:30 am...i awoke before my atomic alarm clock could go off, so i turned the alarm off, and proceeded to get ready...i then notice pfm"s clock is set at 8:22..so i immediately assume that he set his clock ahead for daylight savings...then i see the vcr is also set ahead...this one slightly annoys me...what if i have to tape something, now i have to figure it out...i come downstairs to prepare breakfast and see all the clocks are set ahead...now i am getting pissed because i hae a busy day and do not want to have to figure out and remember what time it really is...at what i think is 7:30..i go sown to the basement to remind pfm that he has to take our son to his act test..., i tell him quite angrily that he needs to get a move on it and btw where is our son...he looks at me and tells me that our son is already there because its 8:30...i assume he is bustin chops and tell him that no its 7:30 and btw i do not appreciate it that he changed all the clocks..he looks at me like i have 62 heads and proceeds to tell me that yes it is 8:30...then he shrugs and says whatever...and i hate it whenever he does that...i go upstairs even more annoyed...then i look at my phone just to check the time...and there it is...it is 8:30....turns out my atomic clock mitakenly had the wrong day, probably when i turned it off the day before pressing the buttons again and again...and because its a older atomic clcok that doesn't know how daylight savings time has been changed it changed the time and i was an hour behind schedule....

sense of humor kicked in and i laughed about it and told pfm what i did...and the first thing that popped in my head is what perspective can do to alter even how we handle everyday stupid sich's...and right now because i have so much anger towards pfm nothing he does can be right, and i give him attitude on almost everything i percieve that he does wrong....

perspective is everything...


o.k. on to other ramblings...

dipstick:

I think most of us are on a slippery slope of some sort.

no way, the slippery slope is for those who can't turn down the temptation..it for those who once they slide they go all the way...

.

For us BS"s it can be triggers that send us on a little slide.

this is not a slippery slope, unless we are turning to another who is not a friend of the marriage...triggers are of different entity...

WW's have triggers too, and because of her diminished capacity to handle this subject, ( the A's ) I feel like I have to leave things as they are. I do not want to play with matches while soaked in gasoline.

if she is better and yo ufear for her going down that path again, why not go to mc where you can learn to deal with your issues with her together...this way you are in a controlled enviroment, a safe controlled enviroment...and if you converse with the c beforehand and tell him/her what you need you c can help you facillitate communicateing with your wife in a way thats healthy for BOTH of you...the way you are doing this will only breed more resentment on your part..and resentment is never good...

as ofr your ic, how about a church or temple..priest, ministers and rabbis can also be a good source for you...these places usually have these kind of service available by professionals too...


ukgirl:

It was great to lunch with a SI sister and friend today, also in the LTA bracket

slight jealousy on my part....wish i could have joined you...


lh2:

thank you for you kind words...they are comforting even if i don't believe...sometimes i do and sometimes i don't...depends on the day, the hour and mostly the kid in the front and center...and i suppose until its done and he settled one way or another i will never know, really know if what i do or am doing is right or good...


i usually agree that as long as thier is one strong parent that thats usually enough of an anchor but for this child that may not be...the other 2 i believe yes but i dont think that will be anough for this kid...he has been emotoinally and verbally abused by his dad all this time, although i tried to do as much damage control along the way it was never quite enough, so we've had basically the same issues with him for the past 6 years....and i feel as though there is just so long he or i could tread water for this length of time,sooner or later we will drown...

This week in IC we discussed how I would like H to step up and care for me; love and nourish me, be emotionally intimate with me.
This I am expecting from someone who has proven consistently over the years that he is not capable of doing this.
IC thinks its similar to me growing up, looking to my father to care and love us,yet he too proved consistently that his needs would always come first.
Sometimes I am so darn cliched, I could smack myself!

i could have written this too! adding in that i felt that i was never prioritized, my needs were never put first, not from the little to the big...so i married my dad too, and he was a total failure to me as well....

we are here for you whenver you need...i am gald that you are trying to heal you...put everything else away and just work on being the best you that you can be for you...

tryn:

believe people change and glad I am giving my wife a second chance. She has been a good wife lately and boy did I put her through hell

whatever hell you put her through i do not believe can compare to the hell she has put you through...comparing the 2 of you for what you've doen to each other and your relationship is just not a healthy way to look at it, there certain things in life that just can't get compared...you both have done very different things to each other and to yourselves that cannot be put into the same category...


as always
((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, October 25th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you iwantamiracle for your comments. I realize that there what she has done to me is worse. I no longer can post on Wayward board because I told some "controlling" man who was whining about how he couldn't understand what his wife was feeling... so I tried to help him out. I told him to close his eyes and imagine one of his children getting killed by someone... how you would want to kill that person that killed your kids, cry for 90 days, think about it everyday now for 14 months! I think the mod over there didn't like it either because she/he didn't want to hear it either. I guess that is flaming… but I hope that guy know understands what he’s done.

Today, I focus on not about comparing, but working on myself. Yes, I said I put her through hell because I did! Like old dipstick, I too found my wife "balled up" in a corner in breakdown. Twice! As a good person, how can you not regret doing that to someone you supposedly care about? I chose to spread my thoughts here… so I don’t make those comment to her. I chose to love her right now.

Sure hope you can control that anger you have… lol…

And Dip… I often here about WW triggers… I wonder what those are? So do they fall in two categories…. 1) How could I hurt my spouse 2) Thinking about having sex and good times

Here my Quarter Bark


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, October 25th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn:

I too found my wife "balled up" in a corner in breakdown. Twice!

did you really do this? or was it your reaction to her cheating?...big big difference my friend...again so not a comparison...

i have been having this chat with my boys lately trying to get them to see what conseqences their actions have on others..i call it the domino effect....one action will lead to anothers action and then the original actioner will now have yet a diiferent action or reaction...and each successive reaction is still related to that very first action...had that action not taken place neither would any other action or reaction....

eg...my boys were horsing around, ds2 said some stuff to ds1, ds1 yelled and ds2 decided he should take it to another level and use some kind of violence, mild violence but violence and throw his pillow at ds1, ds1 neede to retaliate so he pushed ds2, ds2 decided that he should take his even bigger pillow and swing it around and start an all out pillow fight, however ds1's ihome was somehow there and got knocked to the floor, it promptly broke....who is ultimately responsible for replacing the expensive broken item...even though they both participated had ds2 never start in the ifrst place the entire altercation would never have taken place....granted at a certain point ds1 should have known better then to engage, but he would never have been faced with this engagement in the first place if ds2 didn't instigate....cause and effect...i know i am not explaining this vey well, and ithink i got some of this nonsense mixed up its been a while since this first incident of teaching the domino effect and we have had quite a few more since then,,...they are not getting it til after the fact....but i will continue to persevere..

and by no means can this example be truly compared to the severity of your cause and effect....

yes when faced with something bad it would be nice if we could truly take the high road, but as humans this does not always happen...but the intial person doing the bad never considered the conseqences or didnt care enough not to do the deed.....

cute pup btw...

as always
((((tribe))))

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 9:37 PM, October 25th (Sunday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 4:48 AM, October 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle,
I am also trying to teach my youngest DD (8) about the domino effect as well. :)
She gets so angry so quickly, esp at my DS, and often ends up doing something that gets her into bigger trouble. So am trying to get her to recognise early warning signs and walk away and report to an adult.
Also told DS that he needs to take some responsiblity for this as well, as he is the one who needles her.
Kids.

***
Tryn,
I love the colour of your dog. He is gorgeous!

***

Tribe,
I am off just now to the hospital. If you can spare some good vibes, please think of me. Its not a major procedure but am still a wee anxious. Thanks.


LH


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:46 AM, October 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((LostH)))))
Thinking of you sweetie. Hope it's all okay. Good vibes flying down the country to you.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, October 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost Heart2…. My prayers are with you! Good Luck!

Iwantamiracle… “did you really do this? or was it your reaction to her cheating?” Oh, it was my reaction to her cheating. She’s always said she’s deserved it but I look back and wish I was kinder. That anger stage was pretty ugly. Yep I’m human.

For me… I think when I write here, it is a big part of my healing and I thank all the tribe. old dipstick has hit a on my current problem… Resentments. The article you post… I read that article last year but it was before I could even think about healing. I think there is a level of resentment that is greater for spouses who have betrayed for years and years. It seems we have a greater number of hurtful memories to deal with, a greater number of hurtful events or “trigger memories”. After the shock, anger and grief is gone, you move to really working on the healing…. Here are some things that stood out for me, and I agree and need to work on…

- “Resentment usually appears when an experience of the present reminds us of a painful experience of the past.”
- “My advice …. is to never mention her affair again.”
- “should focus most attention, not on the past, but on ways to make the future sensational.”

The consequences says this guy… “In almost every case, resentment fades..”
The ole time heals all thing.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, October 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostheart2...sending you lots of mojo, prayers and of course a good dose of love...


and yes "kids"...the irony is that pfm needs to learn all of these things too...he was not taught how to be a responsible person by his parents...my in laws know nothing when it comes to being a responsible person and i am not talking about work, its about being a responsible human being to other human beings...


tryn:

“Resentment usually appears when an experience of the present reminds us of a painful experience of the past.”
- “My advice …. is to never mention her affair again.”
- “should focus most attention, not on the past, but on ways to make the future sensational.”

The consequences says this guy… “In almost every case, resentment fades..”
The ole time heals all thing.

i disagree, youshoudl be able to talk about it, its in the talking about it that you get to purge, burying your feelings does nothing but bury them, your feeling need to be dealt with so that you can first purge, then they should be validated for what they are, they need to be ackowledged...and then they can be healed...its in the healing that the resentment fades, its in the she helps you through whatever that the resentment fades, its in the fact that she is doing everything possible to help you heal that the resentment fades....otherwise all you are doing in burying it...and you never know when it will rear its ugly head....and although buried, it will grow not disappear....its like what pfm did and does, you put it ina box, take it out when needed, put it away, take it out...have a trigger and take it out again...all you accomplish is finding a way to compartmentalize your feelings, all of your feelings need to be out there and live together within you all the time...and there is your freedom from resentment....

just my 2 cents worth....


as always
((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, October 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn’, I wish I could have taken my FWH to task and let rip until he was on the floor. He said he wished I would hit him or something b/c watching me crumple upset him so much. He wanted me to lash out – he felt he deserved it. Instead, I turned it all in on myself which is very destructive. I’ve never really let my anger out and it has prevented me from getting him to go NC from day one, getting him to send a NC letter after a couple of weeks of her constant attempts at contact, from throwing him out, from getting the truth and not letting go until I got the truth. It has prevented me from dealing with MOW in the abrupt and curt manner I should have. It has prevented me from moving on. And it has helped to squash my self esteem.

Too much keeping in of anger is bad for the pyche. Maybe that’s what I should try to find with a new IC? So you verbally attacked your wife – it was no less than she deserved and, in a way, probably helped her to see how devastated you were. If you were in control, she might have thought you didn’t care all that much.

I never got the truth about the affair. And he has never admitted to or is willing to talk about affairs previous to the LTA. He may see it as opening a real can of worms. He wants to draw a line under all of this. He asks what he can do to get me to believe. But he lied, and then he carried on lying until I just gave up asking. So how can I believe anything? Guess that one is my resentment. So I don’t mention the affair (or previous), but it’s all there in my head, little tapping reminders of “don’t forget”. Hard when it’s become entrenched. Yet another reason for IC.

So

all of your feelings need to be out there and live together within you all the time...and there is your freedom from resentment....
I agree. I wish I could do it. Maybe IC could teach me.

Thanks for listening.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, October 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iwantamiracle, I got that from the marriage builders article. True, you should be able to tell your feelings. I’m getting pretty good at that thanks to Retrouvaille. There may be a time and place to tell your feelings though…

Ok… Resentment is the experience of a negative emotion (anger or hatred, for instance) felt as a result of a real or imagined wrong done.

My wife had her A mostly at the Extended StayAmerica brands hotels about 2 miles from my house right off the interstate. Should I tell my wife every time I pass that hotel…
“I still think about that guy touching you every time we pass this hotel. It makes me feel queasy in my stomach; I feel some rejection when I see that place, bruised and crushed.”

Or as marriage builders suggest… Should I look at that hotel, maybe say a prayer, lord, please help me stop thinking about who my wife was then… Maybe focus on the Lowe’s next door thinking about do I need to fix something around the house.

I can tell you this, for 6 months I looked at that hotel with resentment. Today, I can pass it without realizing it. Is that burying that issue? I am 100% sure for the rest of my life, I will associate that brand Hotel with my wife’s A. Does that mean I should bring up my feeling every time I see that hotel? I don’t think that is good for the ole R.

My resentment today comes with my sex life. I think about how bad I wanted to have sex but was rejected; Time after time after time; Every time I brought up the subject, it was excuse after excuse. I feel like today she should never reject me! I got rejected last night and why did I feel so horrible? It was a dejected feeling, doubtful she has desire for me, displeased and disappointed. I did bury my feelings too other then a comment to her about “how great it feels to be rejected.” And I was having some flirting fun with it. I have worked my ass off to be romantic, flirty, and it is coming very slow. I have been patient too. I have seen progress so I still am being patient but still feel some resentment. For years and years, I buried my feelings about this subject with my wife. I still attribute this to being our #1 issue in our M. Why should I feel guilty to asked my wife to make love? At times, I still feeling jealous of OM that his had A with my wife, it must be pretty good, having your wife and your lover too. Meanwhile I got nothing but a magazine and limp fish body. What the heck can I do for this resentment? So my wife went to the Dr. this morning… Dr says it’s the pill and AD that kills desire. Why do I feel it so much more? I feel like if she really loved me she would want me. Why do I feel hurt and pain on a simple No, afraid to ask to make love to my wife? If I really loved my W, would I want to have sex with another woman? I’ve always felt that way too! But I always chose to only love my wife. Oh well ladies and Dip… LOL.. sorry if too personal here….

UK… I think I shouted her down 3 times. The third time was the worst. That was when it got physical. None of it made me feel better. Her breakdown was absolutely horrible. That didn’t make me feel better either.

Anyway.. have a good day!


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, October 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn:

Should I tell my wife every time I pass that hotel…

Should I look at that hotel, maybe say a prayer, lord, please help me stop thinking about who my wife was then… Maybe focus on the Lowe’s next door thinking about do I need to fix something around the house.

why can't you do both?...seriously, tell her exactly both, today i passed th hotel and this is what i s started to feel and think but then i decided to choose to look elsewhere and feel and think this that and the other....

share it all with her so that she could be your catalyst for healing, it will bring you both to a much better place in the realtionship...and about the sex...that must be huge for you, feeling like she had the time, the energy, the will and or the desire for another....but not for you...so tell her...share with her all of what you feel, she did retrovaille right along with you and shouldn't your marriage at this point be based in sharing all feelings....and as far as wanting sex with another woman...that is your resentment and anger and ultimately your hurt.....if your wife did everything right and you get to thepoint where you truly forgive her those thoughts should go away, if they do not go away then i would think there is still something negative beneath that teddy bear surface..but that is for way later down in the road


we are all in this godforasken process of healing, if our spouses are loving enough and willing, they will help us, otherwise most of us need to do this on our own...but to go it alone without at least trying does you the biggest disservice....the other side of the coin is the spouse who is just incapable, because he/she has way too many issues that run too deep to be of any use....pfm falls into that category....as is most of our spouses....otherwise they wouldn't have allowed themselves to be in this predicament in the first place....but i would think that at least if you try, then you would know and therefore have 1 less regret later on....


too many of us have the latter ...and this is sad....


as always
((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:44 AM, October 27th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn, I really think your wife should get her meds sorted. If she can resume a normal and healthy libido it will go a long way towards healing your marriage. Physical rejection is one of the most hurtful things that can happen as it implies rejection on other levels. It’s important that she and her doctor recognise this. And important for her to be able to talk to you about it.

I have said to FWH that if I was to tell him about every thought I had about the affair, he would slit his wrists. He has no idea of the number of triggers that can set me off. Or what goes through my mind. And knowing how much I don’t say makes me wonder how many times and in what context he thinks about her. I mean, they seemed to do most “normal” things together too, so how can he not recall numerous happy (or not) times with her? Or think about her during sex?

He’s away again now. Of course he used to tag on an extra day or two so he could be with her – that business of half lies. And he did it so easily as a part of his routine, interweaving her into his business and golf travels, without apparent guilt or shame and that means I had no way of knowing. The chances of him being caught were almost nil. And if she hadn’t changed her mind about their continued adulterous relationship, it would still be going on in the same way today.

And it sickens me - this sense of entitlement, this arrogance and vanity, the contemptuous attitude towards me and how I would never find out because he was so clever and manipulative. It makes me question and trigger all the time. I just don’t understand him or any of it.

if our spouses are loving enough and willing, they will help us,
FWH is, but he can’t bring himself to go that final step. There is something holding him back and that something is the truth. I know there is stuff he is not prepared to tell me and I think he reckons it would be a deal breaker. But isn’t that for me to decide?

And then I think it’s not fair to keep going on about it. I told myself it had to stop when I realised two years down the line of trickle truths.

His birthday is on Friday. Another trigger. And I can’t find a suitable card and I have my parents coming up for the weekend. I shall be a limp rag by Monday.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 3:47 AM, October 27th (Tuesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
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