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User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread X V I
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, February 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood,

You are in a difficult place - your H is a chronic liar and you have no reason to believe anything that comes out of his mouth.

People lie for different reasons, for eg to protect themselves, to feel in control, to manipulate.
Its hard to ascertain what his reasons are, and I wonder if he knows himself.

Is he in IC? Becoming "clean" after what seems like a lifetime of lying is not that easy. Maybe this is something his IC can work on with him -but that needs his DESIRE to work on this issue.

Now you have to look out for yourself. You cant be watching him where he is all the time cos thats going to drive you nuts (I have BTDT! ). Put into place little measures to help you, for eg, we had a keylogger installed; I can access the cell records online; he would call if he was going to be longer that 2 hours in a meeting; I would be able to verfiy that if I wanted to; and he called ALL the time and I was able to call ANYTIME.
Of course there is the arguement that this really lends a false sense of security but it gave me something, you know? For previously I was shut out from most of his life.
What would work for you? What does he need to do to make himself transparent ( yes I know STOP lying but what else?).

Allgood, gentle suggestion, dont threaten to do something ("its over") and then go back on your word. Therefore, set consequences that YOU can live with and then stand your line - and you are going to have to decide what that is for yourself. This is so ironic coming from me as I would say "its over" if X happens, and then later go back. I think I thought that if he knew how severe the consequences were, he would do X..but he did and I wasnt prepared to follow through.Which just about battered what little confidence I had in myself but also showed him how weak I really was.

I had to learn to match the consequences to the 'crime' and stay with it.

Theres no reason why you cant end the M now, Allgood. However I dont think you are ready to let go just yet.
Give your H some time to stew on his actions. Give youself to think through your expectations of this M and from your H. This is not an excuse but remember, he has to learn to become that H that you deserve.

Hope this helps.
((((((Allgood)))))))

***
Miracle,
Can I help?
You know I am just a PM away...

***

((((((Tribe))))))


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, February 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to all for for your kind words. Lostheart - your "gentle" suggestion is well taken - I already knew this. I guess my head says there's too much risk to continue the R, but my heart wants otherwise. I guess I have to decide which one is going to make the decisions from now on. Lol. As far as making things more transparent - I already can access his cell phone online - problem is this is easily circumvented. He knows I'm checking so he wouldnt use that phone to break nc & ow gave him a phone right after DDay - so for all I know he still has it (no way for me to check that - he never brought the other phone home to begin with), he's not a computer literate person so I don't have to worry about that & I did install a tracking device in his car - that's how I learned about this last lie. Now that he knows about the tracking device, that's eaily circumvented as well - he will just have her pick him up from work or have another coworker drop him off, borrow his car, etc. With his job - there's just no peace - hours change all the time - he's working a lot of ot now and there's a few hours between shifts (when he should be sleeping, but free time nonetheless). I've known my husband since we were teenagers. I would not say he is a chronic liar. It's more like he knows what my reaction will be & wants to do what he wants to do without hearing it from me. (Still not an admirable approach to life, but better than being a chronic liar). To me,t his goes to the heart of the A - he avoided conflict in our marriage & filled his needs elsewhere. This was explained to him last month when he lied about where he was. Anyway, I just find it hard to believe he would go to a bar "alone" & given the above, I just dont see how I'm going to have any peace of mind. I spent all night crying (we were all supposed to go away overnight, but I told him to just take the boys & I stayed home with the baby). I really wanted to have a future with him. (He's also the only person I've ever dated & I'm extremely attached to him.) And, his reaction to my decision to end it makes me think he is willing to walk away. Essentially, he's a man of few words. Even right after DDay there were a few choice words that made me realize how sorry he was & made me believe he really wanted to be with me - but it's almost painful for him to express his feelings. I've told him this in the past - I said things I say to you should evoke some sort of response if you are really committed to this relationship and he's said "It's just my poker face". He's a light-hearted, funny person by nature & he seems to use this to avoid/distract the discussion of anything like this. I told him I didn't think he was fighting for this relationship & he denies it, says he meant everything he's said to me, that he really did want to work it out, there is no one else, etc. He just seems to think it's my decision & there's no point in saying anything because I dont believe anything he says. No idea what to do. That's why I didnt go away with them because I know he would've just charmed me back. Oh- and if you haven't determined this already - he's not in ic or mc, tho he knows I think its a good idea even tho my own experience in ic has been a waste of time (which is one of the reasons he uses for not wanting to go - but I'm far more in tune with my feelings than him). Oh dear, I could just go on and on...

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 7:51 AM, February 28th (Sunday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, February 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

there's no point in saying anything because I dont believe anything he says

I would not say he is a chronic liar. It's more like he knows what my reaction will be & wants to do what he wants to do without hearing it from me. (Still not an admirable approach to life, but better than being a chronic liar).

these 2 thoughts jumped out at me...first he is a liar period...whether or not you want to classify him as a chronic liar is mute...he is a liar and will avoid telling you truths to avoid any conflict...whether this happens all the time or once a week he is still a liar....

second making excuses for his behavior is not productive for you...there is no excuse for the lying period...

and the first part of him not saying anything, well he does, its just not the truth...he is either outright lying or lying by omission...
either way its lying and it hurts...

i think ic should be mandatory until he learns how to unlearn this behavior..

i know that feeling of loving someone and wanting that someone to just step up, walk the walk not just talk the talk...i am married to him...so many of us are married to him....some do change, some try to change, some try and fail, some just don't try...without help though at this point in the game if he hasn't unlearned this behavior it is unlikely that he will ever do it without some additional help...

as far as whether to listen to your heart or your head...you listen to the one that will give you the least regrets a year from now and 5 years from now...whenever you have to make a choice, you list all the fears and all the conseqences of said choice...which choice can you live with next year.....which one will give you more regrets...

and there is no rush on walking away..you will do it when you are ready...or hopefully not, hopefully he will put himself into ic, get help and change the behavior...but if he doesn't want it it won't happen...changing behaviors has to come from within...doing it for another never really works...

and then i also suggest mc...to help you both communicate effectively...

lh2: thank you, i know i can pm you....i am actually doing ok...last nite we had a somewhat of a disagreement, my yelling gave myself a sore throat...but then i had enough and i disengaged...and afterwards i still felt annoyed but more with myself for trying to get through to him as a parent then anything...i need to stay disengaged.....

the idiot also gave me yet another timeline...i didn't read it, just put it away..i asked him if there was anything new in there..there was not..so no point....he is still a liar and doesn't even realize it half the time...it is a part of who he is...big reason why i need to stay permanently disengaged....


how are things going with you busy lady?


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 3:30 PM, February 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok got my studying done ... just have to read over some of the material and I am set to go ....

had contact with the stbxwh the other day .... I got a notice in the mail here in OK that he had a bounced a check from our CO acc in CO ????

why the hell are they sending me the notice ... they also had a copy of the check and you can clearly see that it is his signature and that I am listed 2nd on the account .... not a primary ....

so I call Safeway to figure it out ... they say since I am listed on the account I am liable ... I am like I did not even write the check I am living out of state ... if bank will send a letter stating I have had nothing to do with this account since mid Nov 09 they will release me from liablility ...

great call bank ... they will do no such thing ... as they say they cannot prove my where abouts ... well they can't but I can ???? duh !!!!

so I have to break N/C and call stbx ... he already knows and is taking care of it sorry it inconvienced me and not to worry he is going to take care of it ...

duh like I would let it be any other way ... anyway call bank and inform them ... they then inform me that the account was closed on 22nd of Feb 10 for bad checks ?????? they say they closed it on him not me ... well just a few minutes ago you were telling me how responible I was for this check I didn't write on an account I have nothing to do with for MONTHS now !!!!

and when I was active in the account this NEVER !!!!! happened ....

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR WTF !!!!

Anyway contact with stbx went well ... it was civil and actually a good conversation cept for the check thing ... I got the feeling he was starting to de-fog a little ... well sorry you to late ...

I thought for a brief second about waiting on the atty to see if he really is starting to come out of it ... then I got my sainty back and I am still moving forward with the atty ...

Last night I was watching a movie with my dad ... we were watching Disney Pixar's "Up" ... holy crap WTF ?????

how can a damn animated movie be, romantic, sad, and sooooo funny ???? it was triggery for me ???? I watched the whole thing and did not cry ... just missed that feeling of love ect ...

KWIM ??????

Ok I am done sorry for the ramble hope it all made sense .....

[This message edited by booger bear at 3:31 PM, February 28th (Sunday)]


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, February 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostH, well sweetie, it seems we just have to keep moving on for ourselves and our children. I look at them (even with DS1,2&3 10 thousand miles away ) and know I did that. Fuckwit wasn’t there even before he started with MOW and once in the affair I might just as well have been a single parent. I used to say I had five boys and the eldest was 45. The difference now, for both of us, is that the naivety and blind trust isn’t there now. The blindfold is off and we are all too well aware of our H’s deep flaws. I don’t know about you, but I just can’t look at H and see the same man I married.

(((((Allgood))))) It’s the trying to understand that ties us up in knots. None of it makes sense, probably not even to the WS, they just go on ahead, blindly driven by their over inflated ego and selfishness. You have to look to yourself and your own healing. Stay true to your own boundaries and, as LostH says, only say things that you are prepared to carry through. This is vitally important. If you are not prepared to do this, then you need to follow the 180 and only talk about things relevant to you, the children, the house and finances. He is lying to you. You have to make it clear that you are not prepared to talk about anything until everything is out in the open. There can be no reconciliation without honesty. I think you should still press for MC. It is a place where you both have permission to say exactly what is going on in your minds. Quite often, the MC doesn’t have to say much at all – their job is to guide. Meanwhile, take a step back. Look after you and the kids. Don’t chase after him. Watch and wait.

it almost sounded like "she" planned the whole thing, all of it and he just went along because he felt he had too...when push came to shove he couldnt do it....i believe he did love this woman but not enough..stangely not enough to do what i think she planned, but enough to hold on,
I think she only planned it after he had suggested it. I do believe he was the instigator and perpetrator of the affair – until she wanted him to carry out his promises.

And now I have another theory. MOW was his muse. He began writing again a couple of years before he found her. Maybe the first affair was a temporary muse or perhaps he was feeding on nostalgia and memories to write. When he met her again, it started and then exploded a few weeks later when he fucked her. I can put a date on it, not only because of the hotel he stayed at but because of the date he put on his writing. And then it poured out of him. His muse was back. His inspiration. It stopped abruptly the day after I told him to stop texting and talking to her or we were finished. He was in Switzerland and his last one was supposedly about me and what he had done. He called it Basel. Which is where he was – in the town square. As far as I know, he hasn’t written a single line since.

I have finally found the one book he based his writings on. The White Goddess by Robert Graves. There are other inspirations I can put my finger on, but this is THE one. Found it.

So he couldn’t have married her, could he? She’d stop being his muse and he’d need another! Poor woman was stuck up on that pedestal with no way of really being with him in real life.

Why did I marry someone so fucking overcomplicated? And the stupid thing is, I knew this all along. I fucking knew it and wrote it down and he said MOW said I was the muse.

I think I am finally getting it. Not happy about it, but at least I can say she did not belong in his real life.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
captiva
♀ Member
Member # 15193
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, February 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why did I marry someone so fucking overcomplicated?


I ask myself this all the time


((((ukg))))


4 years out. We're getting there.......I will never forget the hurt he created by having a LTA with a serial marriage wrecker. I don't think he will forget the hurt either, nor how ashamed he is of his behaviour.....

Posts: 986 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, February 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

booger:

glad to hear you are keeping up with school stuff

I thought for a brief second about waiting on the atty to see if he really is starting to come out of it ... then I got my sainty back and I am still moving forward with the atty ...

very happy that this was brief...stay the course....


ukgirl


think I am finally getting it. Not happy about it, but at least I can say she did not belong in his real life.

at least its some kind of answer...

it is amazing how much time we W A S T E trying to come up with these answers to understand the incomprehensible...to answer why so we could put it to rest....

so someone tell me why is it that these answers hold so much for us....why we don't just give up..that maybe just maybe there is no answer beyond the simple logic...they did it because they could and they wanted to....why they wanted to is also simple...they are fucked up and don't know how else to deal period...so why are we not satisfied with just that...we know that we have nothing to do with it, it is all them and about them...are we just gluttons for punishment...

captive i ditto your post...

Why did I marry someone so fucking overcomplicated?

I ask myself this all the time

well i want to stop asking, i want to stop,,just stop and live my life...i am tired of all this shit...i am utterly pooped out from it...love the pun

....

i need a vacation from the idiots idiot..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, March 1st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwantamiracle.. yes, you are right.. Actually, back in the saddle again... feeling better... it's that damn roller coaster.

Allgoodnamesgone... It really is up to your H to want you too... yes we want to track and all.. and yes do it. But if you find something... have the courage to change.

booger bear... I would go see an attorney..

captiva... why? because that is life! I noticed in the paper today.. of the 30 or so getting married... 30 or so D'ing..


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, March 1st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

why we don't just give up..that maybe just maybe there is no answer beyond the simple logic...they did it because they could and they wanted to....
Well, that is the answer anyway, isn’t it? And we were never supposed to find out. Never supposed to burst their little bubble.

And now there are three adulterous fucktards slumped in the lounge. Each not quite knowing each other’s story. And DM was one of the many who was shagging someone in the office (aka black widow cos that’s what she looked like – all skinny and spidery)while H and I watched his wife fall apart. One of the messages saying “don’t do this, don’t do this” and he didn’t listen. Then DC decided he quite liked the idea of moving out for a while and living next door to a pub and being able to shag anything with a vagina because he was “separated”. No he fucking wasn’t, he just wanted something else. Fuckwits. The lot of them. Fucking fuckwits.

I’m gonna go down the gym and hope they’re gone when I get back.

And booger – stay with the atty. It’s never over until the papers are signed. It’s fine to tell him that this is NOT what you want, but you are left with no option. And that HE has the power to stop the process any time.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, March 1st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn i am glad to hear that you are feeling better....the damned rollercoaster that no one want to ride...

ukgirl: what is a DM and a DC?...everytime i think i got all the abbreviations ...i don't..

get a good workout dear heart..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, March 1st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why did I marry someone so fucking overcomplicated?

Y'all sure do give those WS's a lot of credit -- I usually think: "Why did I marry someone who is emotionally retarded?" LOL.

Actually, he's been sweet. Concerned. I crashed over the weekend. The hormones are too much and now I'm just depressed. Got to go get my medication adjusted --I'm just not myself. I'm not on the rollercoaster; I'm on the bipolarcoaster! Stinkin' mental illnes. I liken it to having a diabetic brain.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, March 1st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They’re the initials of the stupid individuals concerned, LOL!! I could give them some other names to go with those initials….. As it is, I’ll just call them the Divorced Monkey and the Deluded Charlie. I suppose they are an XH and a WH. The black widow spider got her man, but he only lived with her for a few years before finding another woman who he married within a few months. Served her right. She knew exactly what she was doing and then she got her just desserts. I hope the BS got some satisfaction from knowing that. The other drove his wife crazy with all his coming and going and so their kids are all fucked up, frankly. They are all teens and one is due to give birth to her first child any day now.

But I stood in the doorway looking at the three of them and wondered if any of them were worth all the heartache and trouble. They are just idiots. But just bowl along pretending they are in control of their lives, saying how everything is just great.

m33, I think H made himself overcomplicated, constantly chasing the rainbow’s end, trying to find things to fill whatever he thought was missing and when that didn’t work, find something else and never getting rid of the baggage – only adding to it. Layer upon layer of shit. Anyway, you take care of yourself hon. Glad your H is taking the reins. When is this baby due?

[This message edited by UKgirl at 12:21 PM, March 1st (Monday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, March 1st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost Heart2.

I understand why you did not ask why he gave you roses. Sometimes getting the answer to something like that is not worth trouble.

You said, "The fact that they are no longer indulging in their deceit is good enough for them." It is like they spilled a glass of water. Whoops! Sorry about that! Lets just mop it up and the problem is gone.

Allgood.

Sorry things are so tough. I know that his lying about his actions are bothering you. Why would he lie about these things if he has nothing to hide? Keep checking on him.

UKgirl.

That is a interesting theory about the muse.

My W is also "fucking overcomplicated." I have asked myself many times why I married her. On her good days the reasons are pretty clear. On her bad days I do not have a clue. I guess this is where the "for better or worse" stuff applies.

In your last post you said "three adulterous fucktards." and then called them "fuckwits, fucking fuckwits." I just could not help myself. I laughed out loud. I like your style.

tryn.

Good to see you on the upside of things.

miracle.

I think UKgirl was using those initals DM & DC to refer to some men she knows who seem to think having sex outside the M is permissible. Hence the fucktard and fucking fuckwits, name calling vent. I could be wrong though.

Saturday I overcame my writers block and thought up a clever reply. I neglected to write this down so now I can not remember what it was. I guess I am still chicken.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, March 1st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DM – A man who Doesn’t Matter
DC – and a D&C might scrape some of that fuckwit out of him so he can stop bleedin on about how his life sucks.
Okay, enough now. I could get carried away….. and start on my H’s initials!

As to H's writing, I asked him when he last wrote anything. He doesn't remember. I suggested a few years ago and he just said probably. I didn't expand. No point. No muse = can't write.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, March 1st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well it's been a very long time since I posted but I have never stopped thinking of each of you. I have tried to keep up with the posts but, as always, this is a very prolific group.
UKGirl - I think it was your post that had me thinking and wishing that there was some way for all of us to finally come to a place of peace and acceptance. Like you, I am 4 years out and quite frankly, I am tired of being angry, I am tired of questions that can never be answered, and answers that are never satisfying. I am ready to move beyond all the pain and doubt. I want my life back!!!
I am reading an interesting book, The Art of Possibility by Rosamund and Benjamin Zander, and a line in there jumped out at me and I hope this helps some of you. It reads: "Life takes on shape and meaning when a person is able to transcend the barriers of personal survival . . . " I love this quote. I think we spend so much energy just trying to survive the injustice of our S's LTAs that we forget how to live our lives to the fullest. We are mired in pain, and doubt, and uncertainty and it becomes our daily reality.
This is unacceptable!!
At some point we really do have to let go. I'm not a big Dr. Phil fan but I do remember watching an episode on infidelity where he told the wife that although she had a right to be angry, to grieve and needed to take the time to process her H's infidelity, at some point, for her benefit more than for his, she would have to move to a place of forgiveness and acceptance or move on. I have thought of that so many times over these 4 years. It is just so unfair to ourselves and our children to continue suffering.
There is another chapter in this book that talks about "The Way Things Are." This is a great chapter and one of my favorite lines is, "You can leave behind the struggle to come to terms with what is in front of you and move on." I've been thinking about this a lot even before I read this book. I know this doesn't apply to those whose S's are still in the fog or for those whose S's are continuing to lie or are verbally or emotionally abusive, but for those whose S's really are making the changes, "walking the walk", maybe it is time to put the past behind, let go and trust in what is "in front of you" especially if what is in front of you is a truly remorseful spouse, one who wants to make amends and commit totally to the marriage and to family.
Maybe that is what is the piece that helps us to cross over and let go - that we recognize and accept these changes in our S and decide for our own happiness that it is finally time to reinvest in our relationships with them.
I just don't believe that we can or should go on indefinitely keeping our S's at arms length. I am tired of punishing my H, I really am. I am tired of badgering him with questions that only frustrate us both.
It has been a long, slow process getting to this point and we have had our fair share of bumps on this road to R, but hopefully we are coming out of this dark tunnel and I think one of the ways that we can all do that is to finally accept that we are "entitled" to a better life.
Hugs to all!

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 12:17 PM, March 1st (Monday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, March 1st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf: it is really good to hear from you again, it has been a long time...

and its even better to hear that you are being as proactive as you are in your life.....life has dealt you some terrible blows, but life does go on....

i think i will give your book a try...i like the idea of just dealing with what it and moving on....it has been what i am trying to do.....but for me it means moving on alone but with him still living here...not an easy task but a task i will do and am doing...


ukgirl: thank you for clearing up the initials...

as for his writings....maybe you should let that go...i think you would first have to get to the bottom of the man's mind before you could get to the bottom of his writings...and this may very well be a lost cause...

fnf said it beautifully:

I think we spend so much energy just trying to survive the injustice of our S's LTAs that we forget how to live our lives to the fullest. We are mired in pain, and doubt, and uncertainty and it becomes our daily reality.
This is unacceptable!!
At some point we really do have to let go. I'm not a big Dr. Phil fan but I do remember watching an episode on infidelity where he told the wife that although she had a right to be angry, to grieve and needed to take the time to process her H's infidelity, at some point, for her benefit more than for his, she would have to move to a place of forgiveness and acceptance or move on

dip: so you claim amnesia now...

here a chick, there a chick...everywhere a chick chick...old dipstick had a thought...e i e i ooooo


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, March 1st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3:

Why did I marry someone so fucking overcomplicated?

Y'all sure do give those WS's a lot of credit -- I usually think: "Why did I marry someone who is emotionally retarded?" LOL.

love this...

and you are sooo right...they are emotionally retarded...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, March 1st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Finally got to talk to my husband - not under the best of circumstances - he was away, then immediately went to a wake (and a bar) after returning from his trip & I unfortunately initiated the conversation with him at 1am after he had been drinking for a few hours. He just doesn't think it's going to work & thinks I shouldn't be with him because he is "a piece of shit" for what he's done to me. Yet, he can't seem to go the extra mile & facilitate our R by doing simple things like not lying & he tells me he doesnt even want to come home when he knows we're going to talk about the A or the repurcusions thereof. He really is very selfish in some ways. I just don't know what the proper repurcusion for what he just did is. He's agreed to go to therapy but thinks it's pointless. He doesn't want to transfer from his place of employment, but he will. (I'm worried about following through on this - it would make me feel better, but I know it would be hard for him to do & he may resent me for it eventually). He swears up & down he's not seeing the ow & I have to say there wouldn't have been many opportunities from what I can tell - as for the most part his whereabouts are accounted for (and the tracker I installed basically showed nothing for 2 months besides this last episode). And, when I called ow (sometimes if I doubt he is where he says he is- I call her)and stayed on the line without saying anything she seemed pretty annoyed & bitchy which was a vast departure from her sticky sweet usual greeting. I really dont know what to do. To an extent, he's always been very independent & not one to account for when he's coming home (tho I would know where he was)& even thought I believe he loves me I think he is just so selfish that he cant stop thinking about himself long enough to think about repurcusions. (Frightening). Our relationship has, on the surface, gotten much better. I just don't feel like he's as invested in this process as am I & maybe he just thinks he cant win, so he's not trying. Rambling, sorry....


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, March 1st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood.

I know it is hard to avoid sometimes, but a conversation about a serious matter is best done if both parties are sober. I know this for a fact. I have tried the other way.

It does seem he is selfish. He wants to be independent and come and go as he pleases? Well that did not work out very well for you did it? My W got to have a lot of independence. This did not work out. It was more fun for her than me. She does not have as much independence now. It is a price the WS should pay for the A. Unless they don't really want to R.

Think about what everyone has said. You may need to be selfish about your self and your kids.

miracle.

It is not amnesia, it is dementia.

I was however, bright enough to figure out UKgirl's story about DM & DC. She posted her explaination while I was posting. Damn I wanted to be first but she beat me to it.

Thank you for re-arranging that song for me. That was so very nice.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, March 1st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you dipstick. I spoke with my husband again today & he actually suggested that he would stop going out so much as that seems to be what gets him into trouble. I've decided not to push him to transfer work locations and just see how things go before I turn his work life upside down. He already told me there is a big fundraiser in 6 weeks & Im already panicked that the ow will be there. (I havent gone to work functions like this in years & I think we would both feel awkward if I went as everyone would clearly know I'm my husband's chaperone.) I'm going to see how things go - he's going to go to counseling & we will see what the counselor comes up with I guess. To me, the answer is to not go at all,but it really is expected that everyone goes. Thanks everyone for listening. Wish you all well.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
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