Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: steve2020 (43223)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread X V I
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, March 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn.

Yes I think about it every day even though my D-day was so long ago. I will say that since I have been reading here and posting I deal with it better most of the time.

I know that you are worried that you will end up like me, thinking about this A stuff 20+ yrs from now. You have to remember that except for a few talks with my W best girlfriend I did not discuss this with anyone for all these years. Nobody! Since I knew first hand the pain of losing someone very close to death, I also figured out that the grief of the A was similar. I suppose I just tried to handle this like a death in the family. It happens, it hurts, there is nothing you can do about it, so life goes on. The big difference here is the fact that it is easier to speak about the deaths. You get to mourn in public. Hell everybody knows about death. The A, will for almost everyone, stay pretty much private. My W had a little bit of IC. I never even thought to do the same.

When I found this site, I was in a strange sort of way, like a kid in a candy store. Here was a place full of people with the same experiences, the same problems I have had. I always knew they were out there but meeting and talking to them was next to impossible. SI is great.

I spent several of those years thinking as your IC said, this was just a bad time in my M. I was triggered by some things that really got me to thinking about the A again. I know this is PTSD. I have read up on this problem and that helps. I also have been to a boarderline personality disorder site which has given me great insight into my Ws mental state.

I am seeing a urologist about a male problem and have discused if my issue could be part mental caused by some past marital issues. He is trying meds for now but he may recommend IC.

Do not look at me as a example of how things work out. Read kalamity's post. That is how it works when you heal from this the proper way.

I'm damn near to old to D and them M again! I have seen so many D, M, D and so on. I know a few who have been M five & six times! How can your heart stand up to that?

m334455.

It is nice to hear from you and good to see you excited! Don't be scared. In two weeks I will drink a beer just for you and your new girl. In fact I think I might just drink a beer or two extra everyday just to celebrate this.

miracle.

I really think that she does not realize the impact of what she says sometimes. Of course the WS does not look at this like the BS, so I can see where they can say things that bother us without meaning to.

Now about what m3 said. I have not read many of his posts, but what I have read made me think that he was scared. What she says about the abandonment stuff hits home with me. That is one of the issues common to my W's problem. ( I'm not saying pfm is the same ) Someone like my W will always have this fear of abandoment so they will sometimes latch onto another person. This is more likely during hard times. If the other person is of the opposite sex well the door is open to the A. All these fears are hard to understand if you do not have them.

kalamity.

That is a great message. It is nice to see that your hard work is paying off. good for you, and keep us informed.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, March 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

O & this: there are very few people that know about the A. People at work have been commenting about my weight loss (I was thin to begin with)for months, asking what's wrong, etc. I've been successfully dodging the questions until Monday - my boss (I've known him for a very long time) basically interrogated me, insinuating that I was using drugs. (The thought of me being a drug user is laughable - but I guess they couldnt think of any other reason why I'd be losing weight). So, I confessed. I just think about how my husband's behavior has affected my life in almost every possible way & yet he can't see how selfish he's being. Oh well... one day he will change or I will change. Night all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, March 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3:

Sometimes good people do bad things

this sentence jumped at me because it was one of the first books i actually read that i could really really relate to and get some new perception of what happened....so ironic....anyways, he was never a good person to me, to others, yes but never to me and my kids...in general he is a good person, but as a husband and a father...not...

he's just scared, and grasping at anything to deflect it

yes he is scared, more because he is realizing all he has lost and will end up very alone...oh i think he will find some women to fill in the time but he will never have what could have been and that scares him to death...

and

I'd bet it's abandonment, at it's core

this is so on the money...its what he has always felt because of his foo....and when he did get that unconditional love from me, he never saw it til he lost it...


now he's trying to find that courage he needs to be the *real* him that you love

he is trying in all the wrong ways and you were right i don't give a rats ass anymore...i have never gotten any of my needs met in this relationship, and the one and only need was a lie, because he loved another, more and better....

i will never ever settle for that again, i deserve better...


feel free to tell me to just kiss off instead

NOT....i welcome all perspectives, you never know where a light bulb moment may come from...or even a new perspective that helps one see things in a more positive light....


m3 what are you doing here?, i think you are getting addicted to us, you keep saying that you are signing off for a bit because you are up to the wazhoo with getting ready for new baby, the kids you already have the job and the sometimes idiot that you are married too!!


kalamity:


I cannot imagine my life without him. I love this man with my entire being, and the loss of trust and respect as a result of the LTA has made me appreciate all the things I do admire about him that much more.

this is amazing and you know those 2 very important words...."trust" and "respect"...can be earned back...sure they will never be at that same level they are at the start, but they can still be restored, just differently....at some point in time i believe trust can be earned back if the person doing the earning really worked for it, everyday, in everyway......and respect can take on a new perspective as well....respect is earned by putting in the hard work needed, not giving up, taking all the shit that was justly deserved, sticking with it...it really is easier to pack it up and just find someone else and start all over, it is the cowardly thing to do....it takes courage to face your mistakes head on, fix them, and work on them daily...and loving the person you hurt enough to do what it takes, and helping that person heal...

you and mr kalamity have earned your reconcilliation...so yay

He told me that he has asked for the Lordís forgiveness. Non-believers may not understand the significance of that, but it was a HUGE step for him.

i believe asking for gods forgiveness can be easier then asking and earning yours...and i am a believer....but he knows he cannot hide who he is and all he's done, both positive and negative from god...

tryn:

I think we are going to make it...

i think you will too, you are BOTH working on it and that is what it takes...both of you...a true partnership in the healing of your relationship...

dip:

What she says about the abandonment stuff hits home with me. That is one of the issues common to my W's problem. ( I'm not saying pfm is the same ) Someone like my W will always have this fear of abandoment so they will sometimes latch onto another person.

this is sad to me,....and i believe that that fear will always be there if they don't do the work to heal themselves from their issues with their foo......and if the fear is always there the boundaries probably won't be....and like in your sich, every now and again you need to remind your wife of her boundaries, because she is incapable of seeing them herself...

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, March 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle:

this is amazing and you know those 2 very important words...."trust" and "respect"...can be earned back...sure they will never be at that same level they are at the start, but they can still be restored, just differently....at some point in time i believe trust can be earned back if the person doing the earning really worked for it, everyday, in everyway

Very inspiring. Thank you.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, March 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle --

m3 what are you doing here?

Now that is a DARN good question. I do have too much to do. Then again, you folks are much cheaper than my IC -- I can afford to "talk" to you every day!

I think it's very sad he's lost you; but I really do understand. It's just hard to see your pain -- because there can't be that kind of pain without great love. Afterall, the opposite of love in indifference.

I think understanding and acceptance help for me. Those of us who know, we're rooting for my WH. This is all about his fears and limitations and he's right there on the brink. The time has come that he must overcome them, or he's going to fall off the edge of that cliff and my children and I are certainly NOT going to follow. it's not that there isn't compassion for me or any of the other normal emotions, but mostly we're all concerned about him now. I'll be OK no matter what happens but if he can't pull of his end of what needs to be done to R and he loses this family I really don't think he'll be OK.

Ok -- no more posting, lurking, etc. You are right, right right! Next post from me will be a picture of a cute little baby girl!


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, March 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3: i am glad that you keep coming, you do know that i was only teasing...and yeah we are a bunch of cheap dates..

and yes he losing me is sad as is he is losing his kids one at a time...for them though there is still hope, but i am done hoping if that makes sense....like i tell ds16 who i call manchild, time to sink or swim...for manchild it has to do with his academics for pfm it has to do with him as a father....

allgood: wow, i am glad i inspired you...its a really cool feeling to hear it...so thank you...and i meant every word...


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Shutup  Posted: 9:02 PM, March 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So often times I read funny things here in F & G and I like to pass along the funny info to my friends and family .....

well tonight I read and LOL'ed a lot at TR deer porn pic .... so I copied pic and sent a mass e-mail out to family and friends .... so I thought

and then I read the thread about the colonoscopy .... and well I had to share that bit of abosolute hysterics with my contact list also ....

so guess who is newly added to my contact list as of this afternoon that I completely forgot was newly added on there ?????????????

























My attorney ..... no way to resend the e-mails .... I just sent him and apology e-mail

Ummmmm .... I think I may have lost my atty .... oops


I am fiercely independent and I wonít apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, March 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

booger:

that is priceless..

i actually laughed out loud...well this is one way to find out if your atty has a sense of humor....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, March 5th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Dip... Thanks for sharing. I hope the doc can fix ya up. I know we are all different, so we all heal at different speeds depending on different situations.

Peace to all this weekend... gonna try and do some fun stuff.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, March 5th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn.

It is better to have that kind of doc fixing me as the "fixing" that happens in the veterinary office.

Booger.

Did you get your car working?

I can tell you from first hand experience that the colonoscopy story is pretty accurate. I get my 2nd one in a few years. I can't wait!

miracle.

Cheap dates are the best kind.

Thanks for running m3 off.
Some of us enjoyed her posts and the baby updates.

You are right about how sad it can be concerning people with disorders like my W. I visit a website that deals with the boarderline disorder. It is the best site I have found concerning that disorder. Kind of like SI is the best infidelity site. It is amazing to read the stuff over there. It has all kinds of forums and articles. My W is pretty mild according to some of the stories I have read there.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Funny  Posted: 11:03 AM, March 5th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey dip .... no car is still at the dealer .... and no word on a loaner ...

the dealer only has 6 six loaners .... and apparently Altus is busy enough to have loaned them all out .... in our entire Jackson County we have only 18,000 people ...

I should be next on the list tho ....

I to had a scope done down there .... back in my late 20ities .... they thought I had Diverticulitis .... I did not .... and it was more embarrassing for my H than me ....

in recovery waking up from the awesome drugs they gave me I was ummmm releasing out all the extra air from there and he was just mortified .... I woke up to him shaking me and his face was beet red


I am fiercely independent and I wonít apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 12:11 PM, March 5th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

here is the e-mail response my atty sent back ...

No worries. I didnít even look at the stuff. About the only way to offend me is intentionally! Best regards

guess that is good ... would have been better if he told me he read them and laughed at them ....


I am fiercely independent and I wonít apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, March 5th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Booger.

Hope they get your car going soon.

The aftermath of the colon inspection is strange stuff. Everytime I have a out patient procedure ( I have had too many ) I like to mess with their minds. Before they start that warning stuff about not doing anything dangerous I like to ask if it would be o.k. ( pick one ) to repair my roof, cut down a tree, ride motorcycle, or some other stupid dangerous stuff. They freak out.

How all this has anything to do with a LTA I do not know?

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, March 5th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hello tribe. Seems almost 'cheerful' in here today. Caring messages for each other but the tone is positive. Even with medical issues mentioned!

Dip... hope your Dr can find a solution for you and if IC can help, go for that too. You are so different than my H. He doesn't/hasn't done any reading or come to SI to get help that I know of.

IWAM... did you find the book about good people/bad things helpful? The man I married vs the man who betrayed me vs the man I saw caring for his sister as cancer took its toll are a quandary to me. I find myself in need of some insight to make sense of things... in particular his reaction to various love-marriage-affair-relationship references... which confuses me. I fight being cynical when I'm triggered but FWH seems cynical or laughs off these comments.

It's been a couple of months since IC and MC due to his work schedule and family duties regarding s-i-l's passing. We don't have another apptmt booked and we'll both be out of town in March, separately and then together so SI will be most important to me for support when I can get online. I'll be in gramma/family mode so hopefully can keep a smile on. I'm quite tired of sad thoughts and looking forward to some respite for a couple of weeks.

Is anyone here on the west coast? Hopefully warmth and mild weather will cheer me up. {{{LTA}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, March 5th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dip: i am gald that you found another helpful website...it is amazing the feeling you get when you don't feel alone...being able to realte to others is more helpful then i ever imagined...and when you see the people in your life outlined in text form...knowing that they are not the only ones who are that screwed up, or better is seeing how much worse it could be like with your wife...its cool...its a new perspective, its relating to others, it is sharing a common problem with a common goal...suddenly you are not so alone anymore you a part of a massive group of people all striving for the same thing....i know there has to be some kind of psychological mumbo jumbo term for it...or maybe they just call it group therapy... ...anyways i am glad you are finding other avenues to utilize...you can't get enough help...

lostsoul: it is good to hear from you...gramma mode is a great mode to be in...i know you are looking forward to it too....

so SI will be most important to me for support when I can get online.


we will be here, and pm me if you need...


humor is one of the most helpful ways to deal....to cope...to get through the day....i for one try to find some kind of humor somewhere, anywhere..it is music for my soul....and i highly recommend it...


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, March 5th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heeeeeelllllllllooooooooo tribe !!!!!

Well I got my car back .... dealer says it is the battery so we had them replace it .... and we took the other one back to walmart and got a refund ....

so in a few days we will see if car is acting up again ..... I really hope not ....

don't know if you guys read my post in D/S but I printed off the D papers the other day .... gonna sign them and scan them back to atty and send him the originals ....

just as soon as I figure out my new 5-in-1 printer, scanner, copier, fax, photo(printer) machine thingy !!

and I am really saddened by the D papers .... my heart is breaking in a million and one pieces .... although I am in quite the good mood ... weird I am or the Paxil shit really does work ....

anyway I still love him sooooo very much ... but I also want to be free of this hold he has on me ....

I had to wait all day for the Dish guy to show up today ... and when he did he was kinda cute and very nice ... convo flowed easy between us ... and I did not feel the need to not be myself around him, does that make sense ??? I was in my p.j.'s and my hair was pulled up in a messy bun ...

but I felt comfortable around him ... he had no ring or tan line ... he does have a son bout 10ish I would guess .... he called him in front of me and I could here the boys voice over the phone ....

never metioned a GF or W ... but I didn't ask ... I kept thinking of questions I could ask him to get info ... I was thinking of questions to get him to ask me out ... ect ect ect ...

but I did none of these I just remained the polite customer ... I had my wedding on and I honor my vows and what this ring means ... so till the D is final I will just wonder ...

KWIM ???

ok I am rambling ... later ya'll

OH YEAH !!!! I figured out how to work my ipod shuffle and download music ... I am downloading all of Pink's album's right now ...

ok NOW I am going ...

***hugs tribe***


I am fiercely independent and I wonít apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, March 5th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey booger:

good luck with the new battery, i am hoping that this is it for ya...

d-papers;

i would imagine this such a paradox for you and anyone else actually...happy to be starting fresh and new, to be rid of someone who is does not know how to love you properly and so sad because you really believed that he was that man, and it is an ending...you are still grieving for what is lost...

as for staying faithful...i am not a believer in staying faithful to someone who was not pure and simple...and to boot you are already in d proceedings...time, for me anyways, is much too precious to waste on a piece of paper to dissolve something that is already dissolved where it matters, which is in the heart...legally you are well within your rights to date, just not marry...so waiting for the paper imo anyways is just wasting more time then was already wasted..

love pink btw...she rocks..

and you are happy because your life has direction, and yes you could be happy and sad at the same time...happy for what is and sad for what isn't...pretty simple stuff actually...most big problems are really simple....doesn't make them easy just simple..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Funny  Posted: 11:59 PM, March 5th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gosh I love your words they always make such sense to me ... like I can hear bells going off in my head right now ... and angels are singing ....

weird mood I know ... thank you

maybe I am going to have to throw the DVR in the toilet now and call in for another repair


I am fiercely independent and I wonít apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
tryingtofindout
♀ Member
Member # 1042
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, March 6th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hows does one cope with a long-term affair, I can't prove it but I think my H has been seeing the OW the entire time we have been married-20yrs. I caught him for sure about 5yrs ago and he didn't deny it just became more in my face with it. He is 71yrs old and not in good health and I think he figures what the hell. He informed me last summer that he was spending wed and thurs(her days off)with her and I could deal with it the best I could. Well, I not dealing with it at all. He told me this morning that he was spending his birthday with her--it falls on a Wed., I protested and told him I have taken off the last 22yrs on his birthday and I wasn't changing now--he said you better because I'm not going to be home. I don't know whom I digusted with more him or me for putting up with it.

Posts: 622 | Registered: Jan 2003
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, March 6th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((tryingtofindout)))))

welcome to our corner of si first of all...i noticed your join date goes back a ways....i checked your profile and last posts, i saw no profile so i do not know your whole story but from what i can gather from your posts you are married a long time, and your husband has decided that he will no longer sneak with this woman he will live openly with both of you.....going from one to the other....

well i will tell you that with that behavior that will more then likely continue indefinitely you will never get over it...how could you get over something that is still very much there and in your life...

so basically this is your life until you say otherwise...

you need to see, nothing more right now but see..see that this is who he is now...and there is probably no changing it now, especially if as you say he is not in good health...and if he has been with this woman forever he feels at this point he might as well do what he wants...

i am so so sorry, i don't think this will change, so you need to decide for you what you are willing to live with...


you do have options:

you could dissolve the marriage emotionally without leaving your home or throwing him out, especially if finances are an issue...

you could stay as is and let him use you at will, while he is still using her too...

you could dissove the marriage, staying put and getting your own boyfreind...

you could throw him out and start anew...

you could leave and start anew...

you could have an open marriage at this point, so that he is not the only one with extra-curriculars...

the point is you have options, you need to decided which option will work best for you, your lifestyle, and most importantly your needs....whatever you choose, please do not dismiss your needs anymore, you've done that enough..

but your first step is to see what really is, the second step is to realize that this is not going to change...only you can change...

and again i am so so sorry, no one deserves to be treated this way.....

(((tryingtofindout)))


booger: weird moods are not only cool but recommended...they take the edge off, and help make life silly and fun...we all need silly and fun you know..

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 9:05 AM, March 6th (Saturday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.