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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread X V I
tryingtofindout
♀ Member
Member # 1042
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, March 6th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I agree I do have options but I don't seem to be able to make the decision. I know this sounds dumb and stupid on my part but I love him. The strange thing is this is the same OW that broke up his first marriage, so I know at this point he is not going to give her up and she refuses to call it quits she has a chance to move and won't go--her H died about 5yrs ago and that's when I think the affair intensified.

The other thing that bothers me is what people think that know the situation(there are many this is a small town)I mean my H has copd, is on oxygen 24/7 is overweight and is diabetic, I even had someone ask me what I was doing wrong that I couldn't even keep a sick husband home--it hurt and I had no response. Anyone can drive past her home wed and thurs and see his car parked in her yard--just last week someone put pictures of his parked car in my mailbox--I guess someone didn't think I knew.


Posts: 622 | Registered: Jan 2003
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, March 6th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

do not worry yourself over what othersthink...what you think is what matters...come up with a snappy answer like...yes he is sick, and she is helping me get my inheritance just a bit sooner...

by staying and putting up with his comings and goings is making a decision btw....you choosing to let the chips fall where they may....and that is fine as long as you are fine with it, only you walk in your shoes..

i do suggest though ic for you, find some kind of passion for you...get proactive in your like separate from your husband....all of your chips should not be with him alone...eventually you will be alone if he is sick....you need to learn how to exist without him...and better to do that now then when it happens....of course he could end up living a really really long life...and you still should have a life of your own....and i truly do know that this is so much easier said then done...

i also think you may have to prepare yourself, he may decide to leave you allltogether...then what...line up all your ducks and prepare for all scenarios....

do you work, have kids, have a hobby?....find something to immerse yourself into that has nothing to do with him...it will be cathartic for you if it becomes necessary.....and find something like meditation, walking, yoga...something that allows you down time that is relaxing...even gardening...and immerse yourself in that too...

(((trying)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, March 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey tryingtofindout, I heard this today… A man had a fig tree, planted in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it, but did not find any. So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, “For three years now, I've been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven't found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?” 'Sir,' the man replied, “leave it alone for one more year, and I'll dig around it and fertilize it. If it bears fruit next year, fine! If not, then cut it down.”

My Sweet Louise may have sent you a message today….

“We are full of promises, yet we take the easy road until we are faced with an ultimatum. That seems to be a prevalent factor in human nature. We tend to hang on to what we know and seem secure to us. I think that the under lying question that blocks us is often, “what will this change ask of me; what will it cost me?” Change alone is of little value, but change is the outcome of a new heart, a new way of seeing, a new way of interacting with life. That is what bears fruit—seeing with a new heart. What do I need to do to cultivate the ground around my heart, how do I open myself to new ways of seeing, hearing, and thinking?”

They way I heard it as I interpret it for you… Have you asked your husband to please stop visiting her because you hurt? The tree needs saving… but there is always the chance it will need to fall.. no matter how old it is…

I so wish you peace.

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:47 PM, March 7th (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 8:45 PM, March 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my gosh the thread was half way down the page ... I thought the mods did away with it ... I never have to search for the thread ...

I was a skeered for a minute ...

Well all done studying for my test tomorrow ... nervous cause I feel like I know the material again ... last week I thought that and got a 76% ... sheesh ...

anyway after school morrow gonna get the papers noterized and then use my new fancy 5 in 1 printer thingy to scan back copies and mail originals ...

let's hope I can figure that out ... may be some sort of time machine ... wouldn't that be cool ... scan myself back in time a few years ...

ok gonna go read so I am prepared for my other class morrow ... night all

***hugs***


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
tryingtofindout
♀ Member
Member # 1042
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, March 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

trynhard

I have asked that he not go there but it makes no difference infact this month he has a birthday it falls on a Wed and I have always taken off from work and spent the day with him, he has informed me not to take the day off because he will not be home--he will be at her house--so he chose her over me. what else can I say


Posts: 622 | Registered: Jan 2003
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, March 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You cannot control what others do... but you can control what you do.

What would make you happy in life? Start a change today... what can you do to make yourself happy? What in life that you have always wanted to do? To have? You have nothing to stand in your way.. do it.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, March 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

trying: you need to accept this new shitty reality, he is not going to change anytime soon, and he may never change....realizing that this is just what is....you need to decide what choices YOU have, what YOU want...knowing you cannot change him or his mind....accepting it is not the same as condoning it...it just means you see your sich as it is...not what you want it to be, not what is was..but what it is...nothing more ... nothing less....

my heart breaks for you...this man is not treating you well as all....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, March 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Tryn - I like the fig story. Just want to give a shout out to all. My h just left for his 1st ic session after I ripped him a new one for about a 1/2 hour. (I realize that was probably not a good idea, but I've been holding on to a lot for the past week, waiting to discuss it with the therapist today til my h reminded me that it was my idea that he get counseling & this wasnt supposed to be mc). Sounds very mature & all, but he's basically going to ic because I told him he had to. He doesnt really see the use in it, so I wanted to go the 1st session - as he doesnt see the use in going for himself & he's only going to pacify me, I thought I could at least explain to the therapist what my concerns were. (I might have some control issues.... OR.... I might happen to know my husband very well. I could totally picture him going to ic saying my w made me come like he's 10 and going to the principal). Anyway... we were able to smooth things over before he went - keep your fingers crossed - I really hope he gets something out of it. And, am I correct in that I shouldn't ask him anything about it?


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, March 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryingtofindout, I would echo miracle and tryn. If you know he’s not going to be around, then sod him. Don’t even acknowledge the day for him and plan to do something for yourself. He is taking advantage of your insecurity and fear of a future without him. Just because you have been together since forever, that is not a sound reason to continue in the relationship. Actually, it’s not really a relationship, is it? He is, as you know, walking all over you. He does it because he can and he doesn’t care. He is not going to change because he doesn’t have to. You say you love him, but it’s a masochistic style of love. You give and get nothing but pain in return. So what can you do to stop the pain? Well, the 180 for starters. And the day to begin is his birthday. Ignore the date and ignore him. For yourself and for your sanity. This man has ground you to dust. Don’t let him do it anymore.

Tryn’, I with miracle on this, I don’t think you’ll take the five years. It helps enormously that your WW kicked OM into the kerb and resigned from her job in order to save her marriage. It was a relief for her that it could be over and she could be back to the man she loved. WH continued contact for months, refused to change his number, shied away from sending a NC letter and I see with hindsight he was still getting the high from her hysterical and distraught texts and calls which just displayed to me just how involved he was with her. I’ve no doubt he didn’t really want to give up the attention.

for me the love was based on fantasy of who i thought he was, i didn't love him i loved who i thought he was...
I know I’m going back a couple of pages here, but I think most of us can identify with what miracle has said. I wonder if anyone can relate to another aspect? Physically, my H doesn’t even look the same to me as he did before. Is this common? Before, I saw a very attractive, tall, strong and confident man. Now he seems to have shrunk. Since dday, I have refused to go shopping with him or to buy him clothes while I am shopping for myself out or online so his clothes are getting tired. He has bought a few bits and pieces, but very little. Before he could look really nice in an ironed shirt and well cut jacket, but he’s wearing the same clothes that are a minimum four years old. Nor have I haven’t taken any of his stuff to the cleaners; he hasn’t asked me to. Before, I would just do it. I won’t be responsible for his stuff any more and look what happens - shabbiness!! And then I think I might just as well have let him go – I already had his best years, maybe I should have let her have the beaten up ex-rugby player with his weight problems, iffy knees, bad back, losing his hearing, poor eyesight (he used to tease me I was short sighted while he had 20/20 vision – now he can’t seen a damn thing that’s not in BIG PRINT and I still only need glasses for really small print), and all the rest. How things change over the years. I tell ya, I’m a gazelle next to him. And yet he was still “that man” I married right up until a couple of years ago. It was like someone took the veil from in front of my eyes and I saw him as he really is. I’m not saying I saw him as some Adonis god-like figure, but he was my H and I would look at him and just think I was sooooo lucky. Now I just think he’s a fuckwit. Sad.

Allgood - yes, you don't ask unless he offers. And then let him talk without pushing him on any aspect. It's his session. He may be more willing to go again if he's not going to get grilled on it.

Booger – uber vibes!

To everyone else, hugs. And hi to FNF and lostsuol. Nice to “see” you! And FNF, I guess the reason I’m still not “over it” inasmuch as any of us can be, is the reason cited to Tryn and the fact that he fucking lied for so long. Lied, denied, minimised unless or until something was slapped in front of him as a known fact. And then it was the “oh, yeh”. That’s what STILL makes me angry – that he is just a LIAR and I’ll never believe anything he says again. And yes, that does include the crap about he was never going to leave me (why ask me for the figures on how much was needed to pay the bills and run the house then back in 2005?). Oh I could go on, but I’ll just get a real head of steam up about it all. Sheesh. One day I’ll find acceptance. Just not yet.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, March 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostsuol.

Thanks. It is funny that you compare me to your H in terms of how different we deal with things. I have been thinking how I wish my W would be more like all the fine women here on the LTA thread.

You said you need insight into how your H reacts to various love-marriage-affair references. He reacts by being cynical or laughing these off? He is just wanting to avoid any serious discussion about any of this. He probably thinks that by being cynical or laughing he can derail your thoughts. It will work. Now YOU are thinking "why is he reacting in this manner" instead of YOU thinking about the affair-relationship references. If/when you ask, " why are you being cynical/laughing?" would he want to argue about that or just end the discussion? Either way he has avoided the original reference.

Booger.

I was going to suggest trying a different battery next. I did that one time. Power leaks can be hard to find in a car. I can do stuff like that myself so it was not much trouble or expense. If this battery keeps working your are fixed. If it also goes down then they will need to look at your car a little harder.

Sorry you are down about the D. You are starting a new life now. Look ahead, enjoy school and the new people you are going to meet. Also, study, study!

tryingtofindout.

I agree with the advice from the others. They are some pretty smart people. I know how hard and confusing all this is. Please try not to be disgusted with your self. He is doing wrong not you!

miracle.

Yes, this group thearpy has its benefits. One big drawback is the amount of time visiting multiple groups takes. One problem is that before finding SI, I was a member on 6+ other forums concerning my hobbies and other interests. I could spend 12-14 hours a day just trying to keep up with all of those. I guess I need to join a forumaholics forum. Is there such a thing? A fourm for people who spend too much time on forums? That would be like having AA meetings in a bar!

Humor is music to your soul. Nice thought.

trynhard.

Change is so scary sometimes. Especially the older we get, the more we are "set in our ways." I'm sure that this fear of change is one big factor in keeping people together thru tough times. Habits are hard to break.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, March 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dip.............

You are close to my tail again ...........


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, March 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl.

Hmmmm. I really don't know what to say here!


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, March 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to say 'good day'. My FWH is on his way home for lunch so I'll try to respond later on today.

Dip...

He is just wanting to avoid any serious discussion about any of this. ... Either way he has avoided the original reference.
I believe you are correct in your analysis of FWH's behaviour. This wkend has shown me another example of his wanting to avoid or not even thinking of the A when he speaks (to me or others) and then saying he didn't mean it 'that way' when I take offense.

He's on his way home for lunch so I have to log out for now.

UKg... good to 'see' you too.
More later if I'm able.
{{{LTA}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, March 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood:

his ic is private and needs to remain so...and this is in your best interest...he needs to feel safe there, he needs to know that whatever he says there is private and that you will respect that privacy...its the only way for him to really truly be who he is....the therapist cannot fix that which is not shown to him(her)...and yes i understand all too well the need to know...when pfm goes it sometimes takes all of my being not to grill him and make sure he is covering all that needs covering....but i know if i do that the therapist cannot really help him because of my interference.....it doesnt mean that i still don't voice some of my fustrations, because we still have co-parenting issues.....

i think it is good that the therapist hears your take, and then no more....there are always 2 sides to every sich kind of thing...


ukgirl: you see him differently because you no longer see him with the same eyes my friend....i too have new eyes...yes the whole shitty circumstance is wearing on them, as it is on us...but we now see so much more then we did before...we are no longer somewhat blinded by love...the adoration is gone...so much is gone and in its place is who we now see.....

ukgirl: i believe it is time for you too to find a way to accept that you know all you are going to know....its been a long time coming, i think it is time for you to let it go and live your life.....harboring all this pain is taking a toll....and yes i know how hard it is, i struggle with it every fucking day....that incessant need to know all there is...well we aren't going to...and that is simply that....it shouldn't matter anymore...we do see them for who they are now...we both see these men as liars and we both see that this will not change any time soon, teetering on never....so its time we both accept what is, and move on from there....we could do this together...


dip:

fourm for people who spend too much time on forums? That would be like having AA meetings in a bar!

and i will drink to that one...

seriuosly it sounds as though you spent more time then online instead of being present and accounted for in life....that is alot of time...but selfishly i am glad you found us...


lostoul: enjoy lunching with your husband...

avoidance...is very helpful sometimes, but not when you want to repair a relationship...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, March 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH is back from ic. He volunteered that he just brought him up to speed (he was our mc but we havent seen him in 5 mos since wh broke nc)& he told me that the therapist told him he had to be "transparent". It's interesting that I knew instantly what he was talking about from being on this forum ,reading other books, etc. but this was apparently new to my wh. Interesting in that it didn't occur to him before & it's so obvious to me. Anyway, he;s going again next week & at some point the therpaist said he wants to see me, just not right now.
Lostsuol - my h does the same thing - making light of something in an attempt to distract. I fall for it almost every time as I would rather joke around with my h than have a conversation about how our marriage is a disaster. No advice - just wanted to let u know I go through the same thing here.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, March 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lostsuol - my h does the same thing - making light of something in an attempt to distract. I fall for it almost every time as I would rather joke around with my h than have a conversation about how our marriage is a disaster.

Me too!

Just saying "hi" real quick b/c I wanted to share that some friends had a surprise shower for me the hostess and WH told me we were going to a party -- and it was a very nice party indeed! It was the nicest thing to happen to me in months.

Back to getting all ready for maternity leave and baby...


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, March 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M - I'm glad you had a good time. And I wish you luck with the baby - my daughter's already 16 mo old & I can still remember how uncomfortable I felt when I was pregnant like it was yesterday - and don't get me started on the labor - you would think I would know when I was going into labor (4th child) in time to get an epidural. Anyway, I'll be thinkin of you.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, March 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle.

I was not very clear. I was not online 12-14 hrs. I ment that if I was to keep up with all those forums it would take that many hrs. I am glad I found this place.

lostsuol.

He did not mean it that way? Just another attempt to derail your thoughts. My W is a master at this. Like Allgood says, I fall for this all the time.

Allgood.

Of course you were wanting to control your H's IC session. You do not totally trust him to tell the story the way it is. It sounds like he may be off to a good start though.

It seems to be a common theme on the boarderline personality forum that the BP person will so charm and manipulate the C that the C will be led to believe the BP partner is the whole problem. The BP already blames their problems on others, so if a C agrees it just adds to the problem. I'm sure that this sort of thing happens with sociopaths and other types of disorders. If I could ever get my W to IC, I would want to be there at the start. It would be as a desire to get the truth told. I guess you can call that controlling.

As for falling for my W's ability to distract, I thought it was because I am a moron. I like your stated reason a whole lot better. I need to remember that. Thanks.

m334455.

It is good to hear that you had a nice party.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Sad  Posted: 7:25 PM, March 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok took test and again I feel like I knew the info and did not get stumped on any answers ... been here done this ... so we will see what morrow brings ...

And I signed the papers

In UPS store in front of
some old guy and a bunch of other customers standing around ... and no one was the wiser what pain and hell I was in ...

what a turning point in my life was happening right in front of them and it was like any other day and I was just dying inside ... I was soooo sad and memories of our M kept flashing in my mind ... the good ones ... try as I might the bad ones would not come, they would have made it a little easier somehow ...

today was sooooo very hard ... glad I did this after school ...

So I got home and scanned them back to atty and put the originals in the mail ...

stbxwh has no idea I did this ... and atty is going to have him served ... wish I could be there would love to see his face ...

last time we talked he said I keep using the health ins till July 2010 cause he can't change it till then ...

well surprise assmonkey I D you ... even tho I said I never would ...

car still doing great ...

I feel so empty, so hollowed out ...

i miss him the him i loved ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, March 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood; glad he was happy with the outcome so far...

m3: glad you enjoyed your shower...that is a fun surprise..

dip: thanks for clearing that up...i was surprised to think that you were attached to your pc....unless it had boobs of course..


booger: i am so sorry for your pain....and i know what it is to miss the man you thought you married...but he's not him anymore....mine never was...and it sucks an egg....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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