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User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread X V I
tryingtofindout
♀ Member
Member # 1042
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, March 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i have decided to take the day off on his birthday and a friend of mine plan on going to breakfast at the restaurant where she works as a waitress, we are going to sit at the counter--where all my husbands friends sit and my friend he going to ask --Where is kathy and when they say she if off today I'm going to speak up and say that's right she's spending the day with my husband just like she has every wed and thurs she is off, then we are going to finish eating and go to the mall, I live in a small town and I bet within the day someone will call and tell her and if not I'm sure my husband will know when he sits at the counter on fri.

Posts: 622 | Registered: Jan 2003
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, March 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning Tribe!

Wow... so much pain here... brought tears to my eyes!

But also so much hope and strength.

((((m3))))
Best of luck with the new baby. Glad to hear that the shower was fun for you. Soon you will have a new precious gift from God! Nothing better than new life!

((((UK))))

One day I’ll find acceptance. Just not yet.

Not yet... then when? It really does you no good to stay angry and carry it further into your life. You aren't hurting him, only yourself, and thats not good. I am all for getting mad, but not staying mad. You have been at this for so long... isn't it time to just throw it all behind and move forward. If you choose to stay, then find a way to be there with FWH and be happy. If you really are done with him, then find a new future. One that you deserve! You know I luv you, but it tears me up to watch you stay in place... life is for living and not just existing!

((((trying))))
No words, just hugs! If you love him, then you love him... have no worries about what anyone else thinks because they REALLY don't matter! If you need more time then take it. Decisions only need to be made when you say they do!

((((FNF))))

((((LH2))))

((((tryinhard))))

((((dip))))

((((((booger))))))
I am so sorry for your pain. Letting go is so very hard. Losing the dream, real or not is gut-wrenching! But you have done it!! Today is a turning point for you. It will still hurt, but less everyday! The future is waiting for you and I hope it holds only the best!

((((IWAM))))
Just wanted you to know that you are my hero!! You are still going thru so much daily and yet you manage to pull it together for all that need your wisdom... YEAH you!

You deserve to find only the best in your future... and today! You also need to move closer!! just saying!!

Life here is good! We are taking the RV out this weekend with some friends! H and I are leaving Wed., and I am going to call in sick Thur's. so we can have some "alone" time!
This will be our 3rd annual trip for the St. Patty's Day party at The Lucky swerl! They have free food, a real leprechaun, irish spring soap carving, LOTS of cold beer, and a bunch of new friends!! We happened upon this little bar 3 yr's ago and have gone back every year!!

Sending luv!


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, March 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for da hug Lovinlife

Tryingtofindout… I am so sorry you are going through all this. It's good you have a friend with you. I don’t think your plan is a good idea. Letting the whole town know you give approval for him to commit infidelity and Adultery. How is this going to make you feel better? Just go shopping. Are you afraid to ask your H to stop seeing this woman? If you are afraid, write him…. Just start with telling him that how much this hurts you... just what you feel only, thatis it! He's married to you, he must have some compassion in him? He needs to know how bad this hurts... and if he really doesn’t care.. That is about as evil as anyone can be.... then you decided from there. That’s my advice.

booger bear… I always admire the strength of someone like you. What you have done is what so many say on SI… you are taking care of yourself.

Allgoodnamesgone… “I ripped him a new one for about a 1/2 hour”… The anger is so hard to control. It is good he is going to the IC. I think it is more important for you to go too. If you don’t like the one you see, then change. Both my IC helped me. My wife never thought the IC helped her much I think waywards know right from wrong… they think like drug or alcohol abusers, “I can quit on my own.” I think for R to take place, MC is a must… It won’t do any good to control your H and force him to go… Just based on what you say in a few simple paragraphs, you both are controlling people. He controlled you by forcing you to believe a false reality. And knowing attorneys.. trained to control… lol.. (Wife is a paralegal and OM was an attorney with the slogan.. Tough with compassion! I hate that ad! I wish I could plaster all over what a compassion person he is… lol)

Peace to all…

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:32 AM, March 9th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, March 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((trying)))): i too think that going and announcing that this woman is with your husband is a mistake.....you are giving away so much power to him and to her....take the day off, go shopping and go out for breakfast, lunch and dinner....then maybe a movie or some kind of show...don't go home to an empty house, stay over at your friends house...go to a spa, a spa that you could go to for a few days would be the best scenario...but much easier said then done i know....

do not give your power away, do not give them credibility...outting them that way is not the way to go...fill yourself up with as much self-love as you can muster, hold your head up high and be the class act you are....

lovin:

You also need to move closer!! just saying!!

i am workin on it my friend, workin on it all the time...hopefully me and ukgirl will do it together...!!!

tryn:

Tough with compassion

the irony of this slogan is that it fits you my friend, its fits you well..not him though....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, March 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwantamiracle... Thanks Today, Did I feel compassion for the one who hurt me or cheated me? The answer... yes.. most of the time these days.

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:19 AM, March 9th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, March 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LNL -- yea! Happy times!

Allgood:

you would think I would know when I was going into labor (4th child) in time to get an epidural.

AGAAGH! Do NOT tell me this! This is #4 for me too ...
and with #3 less than a year old I have *not* had time to forget how much it hurts even with the epidural.

Yes, the party was a miracle. Thank heavens for my friend. It's amazing how such a kind gesture can lift your spirits. It's also nice that WH was in on it.

Back to work. Thanks for my cheap therapy for today!


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, March 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryingtofindout – no, no, no! By all means go out with your friend and have a fab time but keep zipped about Kathy and your WH. If you go from the restaurant to an atty appt to start divorce, then spill, otherwise keep quiet. Once out, there’s no going back. Just be determined to enjoy HIS day on YOUR terms. And, I say again, ignore HIM on his birthday. That man does not deserve to have it recognised, imho.

Booger, I’m so sorry hon. But I’m glad you have taken the initiative and this will give you a sense of control. This is his path and you cannot stop someone walking off the cliff edge if that is what they are determined to do. You can pride yourself that you have given it your best shot, you can continue to tell your WH that this is not what you want and that it is in his power to stop the process at any time. Treat yourself kindly and keep your dignity intact. If you are losing it, vent in here and in S&D. You are among friends. (((((Booger)))))

We are taking the RV out this weekend with some friends!
My, you’re getting some mileage up on that thing, aren’t you??!!

Allgood, that sounds like a good first session. It’s amazing how an outsider can help them see the obvious. Let it be and see what next week brings.

m33, um, I was waiting for FWH and my mum to collect and eat their Chinese takeaway, shivering on the sofa in a couple of duvets with the three boys asking if I was going to have the baby at home!! My mum tried telling him it would be a good idea to go back to the unit like…..now and he breezed that we had plenty of time. So we got there (small unit with 6beds), the midwife called my doctor. I was well on the way when he arrived and he stood in the doorway chatting to H until DS4 was born (9pm), said well that was all fine, I’ll be off home then! What’s an epidural?

Lovin’ I honestly think it would help if we had MC again. I’m not saying the serious once a week job that we needed in the beginning, but every 6 or 8 wks. I don’t know what he wants, I know I’m not going to get what I want, but there must be a path we can walk where we both feel it is a satisfactory compromise and somewhere when I can say something and not feel bad about raising it. We don’t talk about the affair or her anymore and haven’t done for months. I am just so sad about the whole thing. But not all of the time. Usually just in here and when I’m on my own. But it means much of my interaction with FWH feels a bit of an act. I’m very insecure in my marriage, I guess.

Tough with compassion
Gotta agree with miracle – def suits you better!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, March 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all - need some advice. Yesterday was a good day for us, then last night, he asks me if I would get mad if he met a friend out for a few drinks locally. I didn't want him to go & was looking forward to us spending time together (miraculously all kids were in bed by 9pm), but felt it was unreasonable to say I didnt want him to go, so I said it was ok. Then, 20 minutes later, I find myself annoyed that he even asked, especially after he just told me 1 week ago that he wasnt going to go out anymore as that's what seems to get him in trouble. (In his defense, I did say that I wasnt asking him to do that & I didnt think that was realistic). So, I tried to explain my frustration & it got more heated than I wanted, he told me "then you should've just said no" (true), we argued, we argued, I threw the
A in his face... I think you get the idea. Anyway, his friend shows up to pick him up in the middle of all this, he goes out, but we made peace before he left. Now I see from his cell records that his friend called him while they were out together. It bothers me. There could be a legit reason for it, I dont really think his friend would have just picked him up for appearances & dropped him off. I want to ask him, but I feel like I screwed up yesterday and I dont want to start today by making allegations again as I know he needs to feel like we are going to be able to get past this without arguing and without being interrogated every day. I just dont know what to do.
Any advice?


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, March 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Red flag Allgood. Sorry, but it is. You obviously don’t trust him or believe him otherwise you wouldn’t feel the need to look at the call log. And if his friend was with him, why on earth would he ring him? He was hardly going to lose him in the bar, was he? How well do you know this friend? Is he married or has a partner? If so, could you ask her where he was and who with last night?

Keep the affair out of arguments for now. The issue seems to be more one of trust. And to be honest, he should be spending more time with you and taking you out, not spending time drinking with “friends”

Sorry, don't know what else to say.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, March 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl.

To answer your question about phyical appearance, I have to say that I did not have the same experience as you have had. My W has always looked attractive to me. She wears nice clothes and has a good hair style. You say that your H now dresses in a shabby manner. Do you think that if he had newer clothes you would have a better outlook with his appearance? Since you do not want to shop for him can you suggest that he do that for himself. I do not really like the shopping part, but I do like to pick out my own clothes. You know the saying that clothes make the man? I do not totally believe in that, but a good appearance does not hurt.

Booger.

That empty all hollowed out feeling is tough. Sorry you have to feel that way. You had to do what is best for you. Hang in there.

tryingtofindout.

I understand why you want to do that on his b-day. I really do. Do you think that any real positive will come out of that? Will you be exposing you H and OW to anybody that doesn't already know about this? If so, how will that really help? Think about what you are planing. Once you do this it can not be undone!

miracle.

A computer with boobs? There is money to be made with this idea! Maybe after I start the forum for people who spend too much time on forums, I will look into the making of computers with boobs. I guess since it was your idea you will want me to share any profits with you. It would be stupid and sexist if we left out the female computer users. Put on your thinking cap and let me know if you can come up with a idea for the female market.

lovinlife.

Have a good weekend.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, March 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood: yes i agree with ukgirl...big red flag....

there also shouldn't be big arguing going on..not if he is remorseful....

as for going out in the first place, i agree he never should have asked and i agree that you should have said "no, i am uncomforatble with that, and now i am sorry but the life you once led is no longer...you lost your way with boundaries and i will no longer feel comfortable with you going out with anyone else"...and " you should not be asking for this in the first place, after you declared you would not do this just last week, you are showing me that you are not a man of your word yet again and this is not an option for you".."you must always say what you mean, and mean what you say or trust will never be"...period...


ukgirl: in all the books that i am reading they say your thoughts create, that we manifest our own realities...on some level i believe this..of course on the level of being a bs, i do not agree with this at all...but i do believe that we choose our perspectives..and it is in those choices that we choose how to live...whether or not we choose to live the past over and over and over again or finally releasing it and learning to live in the present with what we learned in the past...kwim?

your ws will never give you all that you ask for, he is incapable...so he is giving you enough for you to be happy in the present..are enough of your needs being met...don't even look to the future yet...right now settle on finding a peaceful "now"...i don't know about you but i am tired of all this anger, and yes it is a pain in the ass to let it go for me because i know i do not want this marriage and pfm is a pain in the ass, i do not want to see him, talk to him or deal with him...he tells me everyday, every fucking day he loves me...this makes me mad, it makes me mad because he told her he loved her, he told me he was in love with her, he told me he made love to her while i know he had sex with me, and the one that cuts deeply is i know i was nothing more then a hole...no i do not want to hear that he loves me, he does not know what love really is...i still have so much anger..all i want to do it let it go, i do not want to live with all this anger....and i will do this...i work on it all the time, i put it in check as soon as i catch it...my sarcasm to him is still going strong...he makes it so easy.. ...he makes it so hard ...now that is the talk i need to change..he doesn't make anything for me...i need to choose to ignore him, i need to choose to walk away, i need to choose anything else...

what ya say ukgirl...lets start the "no-anger" train...i will probably get hit by this train alot before i really board it...but i am willing..

of course i reserve the right to change my mind.. ....again and again..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, March 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood.

I was writing my last post when you posted so I just now read you new development.

Several mistakes were made during that discussion. I have had way to much experience with that, so not being critical. These things can heat up in a hurry.

From his point of view, you told him to go, he was excited and happy to get his way and then you wanted to shut him down. So then he got mad. How would he have reacted if you had told him no from the beginning?

You were looking foward to just enjoying time at home with him. He wants to go out and party. No wonder it got heated.

It is not unreasonable for you to not want him to go out. He knows this gets him in trouble but he wants to go anyway? He needs to grow out of that stuff.

Now about his friend. Why do you think that his friend would not just pick him up and drop him off? Friends do help cover for people having As. That may not be the case here, but it does happen.

The cell phone call. You should not feel bad about checking this. It seems to me that he was told in IC to be transparent. I wish you could put both of these guys in different rooms and ask what the reason was for the call. If you ask just one then they will have time to get the story straight.

I agree with UKgirl. It looks like a red flag.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, March 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It’s amazing how I didn’t realise how much I did until after dday. I used to joke that H earned a living and I did everything else. He used to joke that he didn’t even change a lightbulb (he didn’t). So, he never used to do much with clothes and we would have a “big” shop every couple of years and I would top up with a shirt here, a jumper there, socks, underwear, you get the drift. Well, it turns out that a couple of the “big” shops (spending hundreds of £’s on suits, jackets, shoes, etc) were immediately after he had been with her for a few days. I found out from her BH that one of the things they did together was shopping – and shopping in the very nice famous and picturesque town near where he worked. He had said she never stayed with him there and that they never did “normal” things like shopping! When I confronted him, I got the usual “oh yeh, it was just the one time….”

He now works near the biggest shopping mall in the UK. He drives past it to get to work. I told him to get a personal shopper (they’re free) and spend an evening or two there. He is quite capable of shopping by himself – I cannot believe at 54 he needs me to mother him. I have a couple of online accounts with chain stores and he could order from that. Nope.

Sometimes I think that the thought of divorce was alarming to him – how would he cope? He can cook though. Even if the kitchen is littered with pots and pans after!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, March 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok - here's the update. I asked him about it. He said his friend went out to smoke and called him from outside because.... (my h, although very funny, is also very immature, as are his friends) his friend (who is single) noticed a girl across the bar and thought she was cute, but when he exited the bar, he noticed she had a big butt. My h delivered this info straight away without being mad. I've known his friend for years & I can totally see this happening. I asked him if he was mad for me asking & he said "no". Then he said, I guess I should've told you about that (that his friend called him while they were out), but it didn't even occur to me. I believe that as well.
And, everyone's comments about the way this matter was handled last night was dead on. I think next time, if I'm not sure how to answer, I'm just going to tell him I want to think about it first. Thanks again everyone!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, March 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgoodnamesgone...Hey! I got to get my 2 cents in… .. It took me months to stop checking phone records. I never found anything, so I quit... but did take a look last week... nothing. Do it. Check'm. You might also want to get some other tracking devices… It will bring you peace. That has brought me much trust. It makes me think today, I now have a faithful wife. I have no idea if she still talks to OM on occasions… it would be only at work if so.. I decided to trust and trust God will let me know is she needs someone else.

Don't worry too much about throwing the A in his face. Try not to, but It's gonna happen. I think it took me at least 8 months before I could keep myself from doing the same. I just picked myself up and tried to move forward. I said some pretty nasty stuff... paid whore, paid mistress, POS, OMW wants to kill you, hates your guts… why did you f him over and over and over and over... and more! I cannot believe the hate that came from my brain... it just happens. If your H can take it... then you might make it 18 months like me.. I do admire my W for taking all that and still loving me. In fact, it makes me think today she really does loves me.

Everyone should be able to make his own choices in life. He should be able to make his own decisions. If you want to make a good partner in life, do not make assumptions, accuse, or do things that make people go on the defensive. It really is NOT about him going out with a friend for a drink...

I have walked your path… For me, when my W met her x-coworkers for a drink, it was about this... using my new communication methods... only my feelings...

I felt unsafe when she went out... I was frightened that I will get hurt again. I wanted her to have the courage to tell me if she needs someone outside our marriage, and felt she would not. I needed her to give ME some attention... comfort me... hold me… somehow make me feel safe when she had drinks. And the results? My wife calls me when she gets to the parking lot… calls me on the way home… makes a point to give me details about what is going on with her friends. She did this all without my having to tell her how to do it. My W is trying to make me feel safe and more trusting…. And if your H doesn’t try to do the same, then you need to make a choice if you can live life with someone like that. It is so critical you change the way you communicate to each other.

This is why you both need MC and/or Retrouvaille ... you are both going to need to somehow find a way to reconnect... do desire building, not desire destroyers. You guys are going to need to somehow establishing positive communication techniques... He is not going to be able to do it without help… Maybe you can explain why you need both need help and he will be more open to going to MC without fear… and maybe weekend marriage retreats…

Oh well, I said enough…. Peace will come for you… it will.

[This message edited by trynhard at 1:53 PM, March 9th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, March 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know whom I digusted with more him or me for putting up with it.

TTFO - I have been reading your posts and I am so concerned about your situation. I do hope you don't mind my asking this but why are you "putting up with it?" I don't know your personal situation and it is certainly not for me or anyone to judge, but you are hurting, much more than I'm sure you are letting on. Your H, from what your are telling us here, has no intention of letting this woman go, and seems to almost enjoy throwing it in your face. The very fact that he told you not to take the day off, that he would be spending it with her well it's almost like he's daring you to take some kind of action.
Have you ever given him an ultimatum? From your previous posts, I see that this has been going on for years, not just the A but the refusal to go NC, to stop seeing her and worst of all, the beligerent, insensitive, and totally disrespectful need he seems to have to show you that he has no intention of letting her go.
Have you gone to therapy to discuss with someone who is qualified to help you understand why you continue to "put up with this?"
Please forgive me if I'm being too tough. As I said, I don't know your situation and there may be reasons why you may feel you have no options. But maybe, just maybe, you have more than you think and a good IC can help you figure out what those options might be. How much longer can you stay in this situation?
I agree with everyone else here today who thinks that going to this person's diner is a very bad idea. I almost think it would give them a perverted pleasure to hear that you did that. They obviously don't care who knows or what anyone else thinks and your H is not showing any signs of acknowledging the pain he has to know he is causing you. Please see someone who can help you make good choices for yourself.
Of course, if you have made an agreement with your H or with yourself that this arrangement is agreeable to you then please disregard my post entirely. I know some people do live in open marriages but this is only when both parties are in total agreement. I'm not getting the sense that this is the case with you.
Five years of this behavior with no consequences for your H is no incentive for him to change and it sounds like he is only getting more disrespectful and open about his A. He doesn't sound like someone who is interested changing a situation that obviously suits only him. It's your play now. Time to figure out what you need to do for you. Many, many hugs.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, March 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i still have so much anger..all i want to do is let it go, i do not want to live with all this anger....and i will do this...i work on it all the time, i put it in check as soon as i catch it.

IWAM - You know, I think this is the most important step in reaching that goal - just coming to a place where you WANT to let it go. There is a certain comfort I found in holding onto my anger and believe me I held onto it for a long time. It protected me - or at least I felt it did. It was my shield against the pain of my H's 8 year A. Putting our anger to rest makes room for the other stages of grief that we must experience before we can be healed. I think you are doing an amazing job with your recovery. You are strong and wise and have maintained a great sense of humor through it all and I enjoy reading your posts and seeing your strength.
Your situation is interesting and admirable because it is clear that you have a very important objective - to keep your family intact and to protect those precious babies of yours. And if that means staying in a M that is no longer fulfilling in order to protect your innocent children, then I say "Bravo." Not many people could do that - it takes a very special, selfless person and you are doing it with grace. And hell, let's face it, if we lose it once in a while along the way, so be it. They fucking deserve a little sarcasm and we certainly earned a little hostile outlet to ease the rage that builds up once in a while.
You go girlfriend!!!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, March 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am just so sad about the whole thing. But not all of the time. . . But it means much of my interaction with FWH feels a bit of an act. I’m very insecure in my marriage, I guess.

UKG - I think we can all relate to the sadness you feel. None of us ever believed we would be here. All of us have had to find out that the person we are married to was not the person we believed them to be, a person we loved, admired, and respected. This hurts and I don't think that hurt and disappointment ever completely goes away. How can we not be sad at times?
For me, I keep trying to live in the moment. I try (but am not always successful
) to see my H for how he is living his life and contributing to my healing and our M today. I know I've posted this before many times but I do so love the serenity prayer - "Help me to accept the things I cannot change." This has been the biggest hurdle in my recovery. We, none of us, can change the past. It is done. It is over. Accepting that as part of our marital history is one of the most difficult hurdles to overcome.
I also posted a while ago something I heard in church and I copied it and every now and then reread it because it meant so much to me on the day I heard it:
"Remember not the events of the past, the things of long ago consider not. See, I am doing something new." My H was with me that day and it was such a powerful moment for both of us.
It is so hard to let our guard down - to trust again. But it is also so important to be willing to really see that changes our S's are making and to give credit to them for having the courage to do that, especially when they are faced with our anger and our pain. Many might walk away and some might continue in their behaviors, but those that do have the courage and the love enough to fight for us and to stay with us while we grieve and heal, well, these S's just might deserve a second chance.
UKG - I don't know why but I always get the sense that your H is one of those that really does love you and is so sorry for the pain he has caused you. I feel that he really wants to be the kind of H you so deserve. If this is true, can you let yourself believe in it??? It's scary, I know, but if there's even the slightest chance that this might be true, imagine the love that can come back to you. I hope you find one day that you are ready to take the chance to open your heart up again. ((((((UKG)))))))

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 2:50 PM, March 9th (Tuesday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, March 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone. I posted here once before, and hadn't kept up with the posts, I guess I felt too raw.

I guess I could belong to a number of different threads: LTA, LDM, OC, etc., but this one seems a better "fit".

I finally found out we were having false R a few days ago. I said choose: her or me and he says neither. Then He finally admitted he hasn't divorced her in his country and will not do so because of the kids. He also admitted he wanted the both of us and didn't want to give her up. She is fully his wife in every sense of the word. I can be here, she will be there. Then he wants me and the kids to go back there for another year so they can go to school there. His kids will visit us a few times a week and he'll eat dinner with them a few times a week.

I am seeing a lawyer tomorrow. WH says that he'll support me and the kids like before. He says I can decide what our relationship should be.
I know I cannot accept sharing him like this. But from a financial point of view and the kids, I don't know whether or not I should let him stay in the house when he comes to the US to see the kids. A friend suggested that maybe we could cohabit when he comes, let him pay the bills and get myself together for a year or two to be ready to move on financially.

God, if I didn't care or still love the b****d I guess I could do it and not care.

My feelings are so raw. I am seeing an IC and taking AD's. Guess I though you guys might understand a little because of the LTA and how much they invested in that other relationship for so many years.
He keeps telling me I"m the love of his life and he loves me, but it was our sex life...we didn't make love enough and I'm not tight enough "down there". I know, it's all about him and what about me?
I'm mourning something that can't be fixed and faced with horrible choices. I want so much to stop feeling victimized and somehow go on. I don't even think the 180 will work in my situation, I mean it will for me in a sense. I'm just so lost.
Thank you for reading this rant/vent/questions!!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Frustrated  Posted: 6:34 PM, March 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOW !!! Just WOW !!! this is such an amazing thread ... the support and love I get here is more than anything I had ever hoped for ...

lovinlife, thank for your words and thoughts I am going to post later in D/S about yesterday ...

booger bear… I always admire the strength of someone like you. What you have done is what so many say on SI… you are taking care of yourself.

trynhard, thank you this really hit a spot in me ... I don't see it or feel like this at all ... EVER !!!
so it is really nice to hear someone say this ... but most of the time you all are taking care of me ... I am just getting thru till I get home and get on SI ... some nights I just lurk but that is healing also in it's own way ... thank you

UKgirl, I am trying sooooo very hard to keep my dignity intact and remain a lady ... but it is soooooo hard not to just go f**cking nuts-o ... I would love to find a place and just scream soooo loud for so long and noone hear me ... KWIM ???? I just feel like there is anyway to flush out all this toxic sh*t that has built up since d-day ... and I think somewhere alone and open I could scream till my throat bled and maybe I would feel alittle less heavy with all this sh*t ....

Dip, I know I did what is best for me ... I know that, I am college educated and I know I know that ... but DAMN !!!!!! when do I FEEL LIKE it was the right thing to do ???? right now I am just indescribable ... beyond words ...

tryingtofindout, I to wanted the world to know what my stbxwh had been doing with my now X best friend
But the repercussions of that were almost as bad as D-day ... Having to answer the questions, seeing the looks, hearing the whispers, laughing and on and on were very stressful for me ... and having to explain the story over and over cause someone screwed up the details in the gossip line, soooo very emotionaly painful ... and some people are not kind or have any tact with the questions they ask so just a warning of the things you could experience ... (((ttfo)))

(((allgood))) oh hin I am sorry this sends up big red flags for me also ... listen to your gut and your instincts ... they are usually right ... (((allgood)))

(((m33))) I am soooo excited for your baby
and I am sooo happy bout your shower what a very sweet thing to do

(((iwant))) hey hon how ya doing ... I think bout you all the time during the day and hope you are having the strength and courage to make it thru ... there are not many women in this world like you and just think you should always member how NEAT you are ...

(((fnf))) hope you are having a beautiful wonderful day ...

(((honest))) When you are feeling your rawest is when you should post here ... even if the advic you get is not what you wanna hear it feels good sometimes just to get it out ... then sometimes the answer comes to you while your typing it out ... more hugs to

So I got my test back today from Monday and I did much better I got a 90% ... yay me ...

that was the only good part of my day ... today was like preacher day or church day in school ... every class discussion had something to do with M in it ... and it was like the words were screaming at me ... all I wanted to do was stand up in front of the class and tell them all(generalizing no not all me do this) men are f**cking a**holes and they just sleep with your best friend and then leave you for her ...

I just sat in a zombie star most of the day wandering back thru our future together ...

then we had a group work to do and we had to pick 7 out of 12 people to live thru the end of the world in a bunker ... and we had various choices to choose from and one of the choices was a couple in their late 20ities, he was an atty and she was not working due to being bi-polar and on heavy meds ...

anyway I did not choose the couple to survive the end of the world ... part of being one of the surviors was making babies ... and all I could think about was how horribly awful this woman was gonna be when her H started f**cking the young healthy female athlete and say he was just doing it for the good of the world ...

so I thought it better that they die in love and together instead of ripped apart by an A ... course everyone else in my group choose the couple to live and I just wanted to yell at them you just doomed her to be a BS for the rest of her life ontop of the bi-polar she already has ...

how f**cked up am I ???


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

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