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Things that every WS needs to know

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obrian posted 10/31/2010 23:07 PM

Required reading for new SIers...and worth a reread for veterans too.

mumma posted 11/2/2010 20:56 PM

I just read this for the 4th time in as many months. It is so helpful. Helps me keep things in perspective, keeps me realistic, and reminds me about what I Need to be doing. Thanks for posting it!

worriedNow posted 11/10/2010 18:15 PM


1985 posted 11/12/2010 13:30 PM

bump again

kitkat22 posted 11/15/2010 21:22 PM

a profound thank you. I have just copied this for my FWH who is looking for direction on how to handle my mood swings...this will help. I love it.

TMqueen posted 11/16/2010 06:58 AM

I tried all of this and my BFF told me he just can't forgive me ever :(

HUFI-PUFI posted 11/16/2010 09:14 AM

TMqueen - I tried all of this and my BFF told me he just can't forgive me ever :(

There are many sad things that occur in the aftermath of an affair. Broken dreams, shattered lives, a loss of trust and faith between husband and wife. But in hindsight, it was all preventable. These are not acts of God that are capricious and random. No, these are the direct result of our actions and so, there is a matter of blame and responsibility attached to the consequences and that hurts.

Floridaredman - We all must suffer the consequence of infidelity, those of us who chose to stray.

I feel for you but as often said here on SI, the BS is the one that ultimately makes the choice, quite often unilaterally, on whether or not a second chance is granted. For some, infidelity is a deal breaker and no amount of wishing and praying can change that.

You need to continue with your healing for yourself, for possible future relationships regardless of what is happening in this relationship. Sometimes the pain and hurt is too great. Sometimes we canít wave a magic wand and heal the broken heart. Sometimes, affairs kill relationships.


It is what it is, it's not what it should have been, not what it could have been, it is what it is - LF

WhatHaveIDone?? posted 11/25/2010 17:52 PM


As always, thank you HUFI!

lulykr posted 11/30/2010 12:41 PM

I showed this to my husband. Without expectations. He'll either get something from it or he won't.
It sure helped me though!
Thanks for this.

1985 posted 12/6/2010 08:50 AM


Dallas2 posted 12/8/2010 15:26 PM

I wish I had found this earlier. Great advice.

diminishingpain7 posted 12/9/2010 00:45 AM

A BIG HUGE THANK YOU!!!!!! My FWS and I have been really struggling for some time because I am stuck, in the waiting/Self Control/Injustice/Inadequate/bitterness/idealizing phases. He keeps asking what he can do and at times I can think of things that I think would make me feel better, but then he does it and I still feel so empty. I have sent the link to him and I hope that it helps to give him some insight and ideas on what he is able to do in order to help me move forward. I so desperately want to move forward, but I feel so frozen in fear. I physically have a hard time getting myself off the couch some days and I want to remember what it's like to really laugh again.

WhatHaveIDone?? posted 12/13/2010 21:12 PM

Bump for nohonor.

fivemonths posted 12/14/2010 03:11 AM

Why have I only just read this?!!!!!!
I need to spend more time on here browsing.
What a brilliant read

Textbook Case posted 12/28/2010 16:22 PM

bumping for a newbie

Compost Heap posted 12/31/2010 18:16 PM

This is gold and seems to hit on the truth for many BS's. The BS responses are a testament to that, so thank you HUFI-PUFI.

I have printed up two copies, one for me (WS) and one for BS. Maybe we can discuss it at some point after I reveal the PA in MC in a few days.

I cry and am so sad for my BS when I read this but I am also so grateful to have this road map for R, should I be granted the chance. It gives me an idea of the kinds of things I can actually DO proactively to help my introverted BS heal and maybe R for us. We'll see where the chips fall.

Thank you for this guide and for everyone who posts on SI. I have a lot of work to do for my BS and on my (rotten) self, but at least I have the beginnings of a road map, ideas on what to work on and read. There is a long, tough journey ahead.

NotBreakin posted 12/31/2010 20:24 PM

Excellent post...

Reading it from the vantage point of several years past d-day and early recovery, my thought were...

YES, the description of the BS was me to a "T" in the days and months after the A...The best part of reading this post was realizing that it is NOT at all me anymore...All of that has healed and faded into history. I have regained all the parts of me that were so shattered in the wake of the A.

Also, YES, H (the FWS) did everything suggested in the post (not perfectly all the time)and it still all worked...We are still together, more mature, and most importantly, HEALED....

Mrs.Confused posted 1/1/2011 00:11 AM

Thank you for sharing, reading your post is helping me to think more clearly about my situation.

MLCSucks posted 1/2/2011 03:05 AM

Great post. Thank you Hufi-Pufi.

So, what advice do you have for us BS that had a false R? I, myself, am moving on. No second chances here. I don't think it's possible for this person to be faithful anymore. :( What do you think?

[This message edited by MLCSucks at 3:07 AM, January 2nd (Sunday)]

Lost68 posted 1/2/2011 12:34 PM


jjct posted 1/10/2011 17:40 PM

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