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User Topic: Things that every WS needs to know
♂ Member
Member # 28871
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, October 31st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Required reading for new SIers...and worth a reread for veterans too.

Me (BS): 38
Her: 37
Married almost 12 yrs (together about 19)
Kids: 5, 7
Dday: 6/22/10

Posts: 119 | Registered: Jun 2010
♀ Member
Member # 29657
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, November 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just read this for the 4th time in as many months. It is so helpful. Helps me keep things in perspective, keeps me realistic, and reminds me about what I Need to be doing. Thanks for posting it!

Me: FWW (37)
BH: 37
2 little boys (4 & 6)
Married 11 years
6-wk. A over text & IM with two physical encounters (kissing) in last 3 wks.
I have caused unimaginable pain. I will work everyday to repair it.

Posts: 110 | Registered: Sep 2010
♀ Member
Member # 29320
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, November 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 351 | Registered: Aug 2010
♂ Member
Member # 28171
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, November 12th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump again

Me-BH 65
Her-fWW 64
DDay: June 1985. 5 years after A ended
Still married - actually in love
2 grown kids; 5 grandkids

Posts: 673 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest - large city
♀ Member
Member # 29877
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, November 15th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

a profound thank you. I have just copied this for my FWH who is looking for direction on how to handle my mood swings...this will help. I love it.

Vanity Working on a Weak Mind Produces Every Kind of Mischief...Jane Austin

D-Day - September 3, 2010, 5:30 am
Currently in reconciliation and happy.

Married 22 years, together 23

Posts: 416 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: California
♀ Member
Member # 30043
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, November 16th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tried all of this and my BFF told me he just can't forgive me ever :(

Dday 11-4 TT until 12-6 - It's all out there.

Posts: 65 | Registered: Nov 2010
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, November 16th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TMqueen - I tried all of this and my BFF told me he just can't forgive me ever :(

There are many sad things that occur in the aftermath of an affair. Broken dreams, shattered lives, a loss of trust and faith between husband and wife. But in hindsight, it was all preventable. These are not acts of God that are capricious and random. No, these are the direct result of our actions and so, there is a matter of blame and responsibility attached to the consequences and that hurts.

Floridaredman - We all must suffer the consequence of infidelity, those of us who chose to stray.

I feel for you but as often said here on SI, the BS is the one that ultimately makes the choice, quite often unilaterally, on whether or not a second chance is granted. For some, infidelity is a deal breaker and no amount of wishing and praying can change that.

You need to continue with your healing for yourself, for possible future relationships regardless of what is happening in this relationship. Sometimes the pain and hurt is too great. Sometimes we canít wave a magic wand and heal the broken heart. Sometimes, affairs kill relationships.


It is what it is, it's not what it should have been, not what it could have been, it is what it is - LF

Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3298 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
♀ Member
Member # 30054
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, November 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


As always, thank you HUFI!

Posts: 342 | Registered: Nov 2010
♀ Member
Member # 29697
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, November 30th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I showed this to my husband. Without expectations. He'll either get something from it or he won't.
It sure helped me though!
Thanks for this.

Posts: 589 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Gainesville FL
♂ Member
Member # 28171
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, December 6th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Me-BH 65
Her-fWW 64
DDay: June 1985. 5 years after A ended
Still married - actually in love
2 grown kids; 5 grandkids

Posts: 673 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest - large city
♀ Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, December 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I had found this earlier. Great advice.


Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
♀ Member
Member # 20072
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, December 9th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A BIG HUGE THANK YOU!!!!!! My FWS and I have been really struggling for some time because I am stuck, in the waiting/Self Control/Injustice/Inadequate/bitterness/idealizing phases. He keeps asking what he can do and at times I can think of things that I think would make me feel better, but then he does it and I still feel so empty. I have sent the link to him and I hope that it helps to give him some insight and ideas on what he is able to do in order to help me move forward. I so desperately want to move forward, but I feel so frozen in fear. I physically have a hard time getting myself off the couch some days and I want to remember what it's like to really laugh again.

Me~BW 32
Him~WH 35 OW#1 PA (no intercourse) OW#2 EA 6 mos
D-day 4/16/08
In recovery

Best post EVER --->

Posts: 240 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: not sure where I am...
♀ Member
Member # 30054
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, December 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump for nohonor.

Posts: 342 | Registered: Nov 2010
♀ Member
Member # 29331
Default  Posted: 3:11 AM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why have I only just read this?!!!!!!
I need to spend more time on here browsing.
What a brilliant read

A 3/2010-7/2010
R 7/2010 to date

You are my world, you always were

Posts: 62 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: England
Textbook Case
♀ Member
Member # 24977
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, December 28th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bumping for a newbie

BW- me
FWH- 5-year EA/PA plus really poor boundaries with coworkers
Married 30 years (college sweethearts)

Posts: 2735 | Registered: Jul 2009
Compost Heap
♀ Member
Member # 30558
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, December 31st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is gold and seems to hit on the truth for many BS's. The BS responses are a testament to that, so thank you HUFI-PUFI.

I have printed up two copies, one for me (WS) and one for BS. Maybe we can discuss it at some point after I reveal the PA in MC in a few days.

I cry and am so sad for my BS when I read this but I am also so grateful to have this road map for R, should I be granted the chance. It gives me an idea of the kinds of things I can actually DO proactively to help my introverted BS heal and maybe R for us. We'll see where the chips fall.

Thank you for this guide and for everyone who posts on SI. I have a lot of work to do for my BS and on my (rotten) self, but at least I have the beginnings of a road map, ideas on what to work on and read. There is a long, tough journey ahead.

Out of this rotting, stinking heap of garbage will hopefully someday arise a rich fertilizer for love, compassion, mindfulness and wisdom.

Posts: 147 | Registered: Dec 2010
Member # 7631
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, December 31st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Excellent post...

Reading it from the vantage point of several years past d-day and early recovery, my thought were...

YES, the description of the BS was me to a "T" in the days and months after the A...The best part of reading this post was realizing that it is NOT at all me anymore...All of that has healed and faded into history. I have regained all the parts of me that were so shattered in the wake of the A.

Also, YES, H (the FWS) did everything suggested in the post (not perfectly all the time)and it still all worked...We are still together, more mature, and most importantly, HEALED....

D-Day - Spring 2004
Healed! It does happen!

Posts: 3002 | Registered: Jul 2005
Member # 30485
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, January 1st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for sharing, reading your post is helping me to think more clearly about my situation.

It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone. ~ Rose Kennedy ~

Posts: 351 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: USA
♀ Member
Member # 29690
Default  Posted: 3:05 AM, January 2nd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post. Thank you Hufi-Pufi.

So, what advice do you have for us BS that had a false R? I, myself, am moving on. No second chances here. I don't think it's possible for this person to be faithful anymore. :( What do you think?

[This message edited by MLCSucks at 3:07 AM, January 2nd (Sunday)]

Me 42
WH 47
Married 22 years
4 children (19, 17, 11, 9)
Found Out 8/3/10
16 mos+ EA (long distance) with a few PA's
TT (false R) 12/17/10 we are now headed for divorce. No more reconciling, no more counseling.
They met for lunch in 1993??

Posts: 161 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: California
♂ Member
Member # 27515
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, January 2nd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


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