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Things that every WS needs to know

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jjct posted 1/10/2011 17:40 PM

poopylala posted 1/10/2011 18:51 PM

I sent this to WBF today and I hope now he will understand that everything I've been saying or have asked for is not unreasonable. I hope he can come out of the fog- he seems to have started but I wish so badly to just pull him completely out! We started MC today and things went okay and then at the end, I confronted him about his TT. I haven't decided if I want to stay to work towards R because he's STILL in the fog and didn't admit the truth on his own but at the same time I love him and I think if it wasn't for this damn fog we could be moving towards R much quicker... Anyways Thank you for bumping this- I meant to send it sooner but lost the page.

BaxtersBFF posted 1/11/2011 17:47 PM


crossroads2010 posted 1/13/2011 06:57 AM

This IS also what a BS needs to know....that this rollercoaster ride of emotions and strange behavior in formerly rational person is normal...that a 50 pound weiht loss, the inability to think, sleep and a common reaction to the situation. After 15 months in the BS role and almost a year of IC counseling, I think it is time for my H to see his own IC...I think we need MC or better communication to move on...I see his pain and his work to make US survive, but to expect him to help me when I am having a bad day is out of the question b/c it always rolls around to how this makes him feel and how he is trying to survive this....I don't know how to tell him that the reason I can't entirely trust is b/c I don't know what has changed...what is different...since he had an A with her 20 years ago and again 20 months can I be sure he won't do this can I know this...he says trust is up to me...I can make myself trust him...I need answers to questions I can't ask him b/c they hurt him too much.

iamsurviving posted 1/13/2011 07:59 AM

Thank U so much for this post - 40+ years married and 3 years into R and I'm still struggling - I have printed and will read thorughly and give to my WS. Thank u again for this - hope it helps us to R faster. Very painful time. God bless all here.

KickedintheGut posted 1/14/2011 11:46 AM


tsol25 posted 1/26/2011 19:21 PM

Bump because I had troubles finding it

southsidecali posted 1/30/2011 15:05 PM

wanna keep this in my to read often.

I am assuming this is for WS that want reconciliation right?

Does this help the Ws that doesn't want reconciliation but is willing to help with the healing?

[This message edited by southsidecali at 11:24 PM, January 30th (Sunday)]

DawGxl posted 1/31/2011 17:56 PM

I am a betrayed husband and I was shocked at how accurate everything in this post is. Everything I have been thinking, feeling... its all here and I finally know that I'm not crazy. I sent this to my WS wife and I hope it helps her understand what I am going through. Thank you Hufi.

2crazykids posted 1/31/2011 18:45 PM

this is so true and describes everything im feeling now

tryingtosmile posted 1/31/2011 19:29 PM

Thank you! My WH just read this.

WhatHaveIDone?? posted 2/2/2011 16:18 PM

Bump for Lostguy.

stilllovingher posted 2/2/2011 22:25 PM

This thread has helped change my FWW.
it was the beginning of her understanding.
Thank you.

WhiistleSt0p posted 2/7/2011 09:29 AM

BUMP... this has been helpful to me understanding my past.. and is helping my WH now. Thank you!

SisterMilkshake posted 2/8/2011 08:01 AM


HopingNPraying posted 2/15/2011 19:35 PM


stilllovinghim posted 2/17/2011 06:28 AM

Bumpidy bump bump bump.....

One of the best things I ever read. Literally has helped change OUR lives for the better!

fromthisdayfwd posted 2/18/2011 10:16 AM

Wow. That's all I can say, just Wow.

sisoon posted 2/18/2011 17:31 PM

Another big THANK YOU! My wife of 40+ years told me 8 weeks ago that she had been having sex with a woman she worked with for the past 4 months.

I thought I was handling my feelings well, but the last 3 weeks have gotten more and more painful, and I've become more and more hopeless.

We want to reconcile, but I'm not about to stay if it means I'll be feeling worse and worse as time goes on.

This topic has given me enough insight into my own condition to keep going - especially since my wife is doing what is suggested.


2crazykids posted 2/18/2011 18:46 PM

is there a thread for a wh who has no remorse for what he did

miraclewithwife posted 2/18/2011 21:53 PM

WS chiming in…and amazed to be one of the 160th-something-odd replies to this post. HUFI clearly got a great message out to people hungry for healing. Thanks HUFI and all who had to do with boomeranging this information around again.

This is the first I've read Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse (UYBS) and I'll use this as one of the tools every WS needs in order to be a positive influence in the BS's recovery, as stated in UYBS. But I have some clarifications to make between my BS and me before attempting to implement all of the specific topics into our relationship. Maybe I could bounce this off a few of the vet's out there like HUFI...

Section 2: what else can you do to ease their pain and relieve their stress:

Spend lots more time with them
That may be great advice for some relationships, but I'm not sure its the best advice for others like my BS and me.

There have been times when I know I've spent too much time at her place because sometimes she'll trigger on certain things. Not all the time-sometimes...whether its on tv or a mind movie that came out of nowhere...there are definitely times that I know I've overstayed my welcome. And my BS and I agreed that we do miss one another when we don't see one another for even a short while. That's good news to people like me who want nothing more in their lives than to R with their BS's.

This topic is simply one instance that I have in question, but the ultimate decider is obviously my BS. I'm going to send this to her tonight and ask her to read it when she's up to doing so (I imagine that this is even more of a difficult read for any BS). And I'm going to ask her to edit and make any corrections necessary, in order for me to become a stronger, more positive influence in her recovery than I was two days before, and even yesterday--because I think that the true hope for many of the WS's out there, and specifically on SI, is for a FULL R with their BS's. And learning how to do so with the help of an IC is at the top of the toolbox where they should be.

I've learned a lot since my A, D-Day and after dumping the last of the F-ing trickle truth that plagued my hurting W for the last year. I hate that I've caused her pain. And I'm dedicated to becoming the best person I can be, and help her through all of her grieve, for however long she needs to grieve.

sorry about the tangent...
anyway, long story longer, for certain topics, it may be best for some WS's to request that their BS's read these messages and graciously provide feedback where they feel appropriate; where it makes the most sense for the strongest, most positive connection/relationship possible given the individual circumstances.

Anyone agree or disagree?

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