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Things that every WS needs to know
WS chiming in…and amazed to be one of the 160th-something-odd replies to this post. HUFI clearly got a great message out to people hungry for healing. Thanks HUFI and all who had to do with boomeranging this information around again.
This is the first I've read Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse (UYBS) and I'll use this as one of the tools every WS needs in order to be a positive influence in the BS's recovery, as stated in UYBS. But I have some clarifications to make between my BS and me before attempting to implement all of the specific topics into our relationship. Maybe I could bounce this off a few of the vet's out there like HUFI...
Section 2: what else can you do to ease their pain and relieve their stress:
Spend lots more time with them
That may be great advice for some relationships, but I'm not sure its the best advice for others like my BS and me.
There have been times when I know I've spent too much time at her place because sometimes she'll trigger on certain things. Not all the time-sometimes...whether its on tv or a mind movie that came out of nowhere...there are definitely times that I know I've overstayed my welcome. And my BS and I agreed that we do miss one another when we don't see one another for even a short while. That's good news to people like me who want nothing more in their lives than to R with their BS's.
This topic is simply one instance that I have in question, but the ultimate decider is obviously my BS. I'm going to send this to her tonight and ask her to read it when she's up to doing so (I imagine that this is even more of a difficult read for any BS). And I'm going to ask her to edit and make any corrections necessary, in order for me to become a stronger, more positive influence in her recovery than I was two days before, and even yesterday--because I think that the true hope for many of the WS's out there, and specifically on SI, is for a FULL R with their BS's. And learning how to do so with the help of an IC is at the top of the toolbox where they should be.
I've learned a lot since my A, D-Day and after dumping the last of the F-ing trickle truth that plagued my hurting W for the last year. I hate that I've caused her pain. And I'm dedicated to becoming the best person I can be, and help her through all of her grieve, for however long she needs to grieve.
sorry about the tangent...
anyway, long story longer, for certain topics, it may be best for some WS's to request that their BS's read these messages and graciously provide feedback where they feel appropriate; where it makes the most sense for the strongest, most positive connection/relationship possible given the individual circumstances.
Anyone agree or disagree?
If my WS gave this to me to read I would have fallen over backwards bump.
This has made my WH change his attitude. WOW. There is now a glimmer of hope where there was none.
BUMP! All WS should read this.
BS- I recommend emailing this to your WS. Where my WS could not hear my words, he 'got it' from this. It can a M saver!
Because I feel that my WW doesn't know half of how I feel I have printed a copy and will ask her to read it. Hopefully the enormity of the damage caused will finally dawn on her and get her out of the lingering fog.
(((sunningdalelad))) It's worth a try. Good luck.
Bumped again for the newbies & for the reminder when us WS get too "comfortable"!
Just re-read this again...I don't think I will ever be able to read this enough. Every time I do, a different part resonates with me.
Thank you HUFI for posting and thank you to all for continuing to bump this.
I really hope they will put this one in the Library. Bump
Bump. Bump. Bump.
Great post! I am going to print it out and give to my WH and hopes he reads it.
Wow! This makes me sad that I've caused some or all of these emotions to someone.
Bump for the newbies and lurkers...
I shared this post with my WH the day he finally admitted to two more PA's. He told me that reading this is what motivated him to finally tell me the whole truth.
I see him now truly taking these words to heart, so thank you for them. I've been having a hard time of it since DDay 3, but just now when I re-read all of this and realized how much of it WH is doing, I finally felt a moment of hope.
Go to the front of the bus.
Finally a way to express! Thanks very much
and worth reposting over and over again. much appreciated.