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Things that every WS needs to know

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dreamer1 posted 11/5/2009 21:35 PM

Hopefully the MOD will place this in our healing library.

I think this is one of those things that should be placed on both WS and BS, it tells the story of were we are headed, and going, as well as a instruction manual for WS to follow right along and keep up with us now.

HUFI-PUFI posted 11/8/2009 14:18 PM

A shameless bump becasue HUFI needs to read the section on trickle truthing again!

You would figure that he could learn one of these times, don't ya!

Bunnyhop posted 11/9/2009 11:05 AM

Thank you for your wise words.

iwantoff posted 11/10/2009 08:17 AM

First time I ever looked into Wayward Side forum yesterday and I cried "relief" tears.

My WH keeps saying he doesn't know what I need and he's tries things that seem to hurt me more. I don't think I could still write this post because the feelings/emotions are so extreme. I thank the person that was able to put this in words. It was exactly what I couldn't verbalize or explain or ask for.

I made a copy for MC and IC.

Gave WH with "If you never read anything else on affairs, this is gold to me. A gift of words....". I think he read it last night.

Thank you!

iwantoff posted 11/10/2009 08:19 AM

First time I ever looked into Wayward Side forum yesterday and I cried "relief" tears.

My WH keeps saying he doesn't know what I need and he's tries things that seem to hurt me more. I don't think I could still write this post because the feelings/emotions are so extreme. I thank the person that was able to put this in words. It was exactly what I couldn't verbalize or explain or ask for.

I made a copy for MC and IC.

Gave WH with "If you never read anything else on affairs, this is gold to me. A gift of words....". I think he read it last night.

Thank you!

gardengirl posted 11/10/2009 20:53 PM

BS here, thanks so much for this, it captures it all so well

how2cope posted 11/10/2009 21:39 PM

This is truly an amazing post! As someone else said, it felt like you read my mind. It breaks my heart to know that so many of us are out there relating to this post and knowing exactly what it feels like. This is definately a keeper! Thank you

dayatatime posted 11/10/2009 22:03 PM

I wish I could give this to every single person who is thinking of cheating right now. Sure does illustrate how devestating and permanent the consequences are.

hopefulmom posted 11/11/2009 21:54 PM

I loved this post. I identified with so much here. Thanks.

I showed it to my WS.

This was his reply:

"I did read it. Remember.....that is 1 persons point of view.....we have no idea what the total situation the writer was in.....cant just look at one side..... It is not about me....it is about US...and that is what Ive always looked at.... Why did you think I ended my relationship with OW and came back to you for councelling? Because It was about US...and I wanted to try."

He still doesn't get it does he?

Thud.

Card posted 11/11/2009 22:02 PM

I showed it to my WS.

This was his reply:

"I did read it. Remember.....that is 1 persons point of view.....we have no idea what the total situation the writer was in.....cant just look at one side..... It is not about me....it is about US...and that is what Ive always looked at.... Why did you think I ended my relationship with OW and came back to you for councelling? Because It was about US...and I wanted to try."

He still doesn't get it does he?

Nope!

lola007 posted 11/15/2009 14:52 PM

thanks for the words

fireandice posted 11/18/2009 19:06 PM

Thank you! An excellent post!

WifePI posted 11/20/2009 16:53 PM

This is so well written. So powerful. The suggestion to place it in the healing library is a great one.

My H read this yesterday per my request, and it seems to have impacted him in a strong way. He has already made efforts to follow some of that advice. I think it brought him more understanding about my feelings than all of the talking I've done. It's like he is finally starting to "get it".

Thank you for this amazing post!

lostsuol posted 11/20/2009 18:48 PM

bump

JoyH posted 11/20/2009 22:03 PM

As an "oldie" and BS, I would recommend this post to anyone trying to recover. A good summary of many of the recovery resources.

I've read the books and been through it so much in the early time after dday, with massive trickle truths and even some minor backsliding behavior.

This rings so true to what the majority of BS go through. We don't want to be protected from the truth, as that just means further lies. Yes, triggers can happen for a long time, but with time, they get easier to push aside, eventually, becoming more matter of fact.

Offering that little reassurance when infidelity comes up on TV or even offering to change the channel in that first year can mean so much. A hug, a whisper about how the BS will never have to worry about that again can mean so much!

Recovery from such an emotional trauma is a long and difficult road. Something the BS even beats themselves up about and can become very discouraged over.

Wish we had found more help in those early months, we may have progressed faster. In hindsight, I see the effects of the massive trickle truth in very delayed rebuilding of trust that might never be the same.

Everyone is different in their needs, and it is hard to believe that this will work when dealing with a BS who is in the mist of the roller coaster of emotions after dday.

I can only testify from my own experience and years of being around boards like this to say that this CAN help.

Time and lots of effort from both spouses will be the key. Lots of patience and seeking help to find the path to build stronger boundaries to protect your marriage in the future.

Wish I knew who to give credit for this article!

captiva posted 12/4/2009 03:58 AM

Amazing - I wish I could have shared this with my H in the aftermath of d-day and our recovery process. There are a few things on there that would have undoubtedly changed the way I feel now.

Thanks Hufi for posting this.

fadingmemories posted 12/7/2009 06:53 AM

Thank you so much for this post. It is so true and helped me feel stronger to know I am in the Process of healing. I sent it to my FWH who is away on business, which is always a hard time for us.
He responded with these words.

I see the wisdom in the words.
I will take them to heart and make them my own
I will remember to remember to remind you of how grateful I am and I am grateful for your willingness to give me a second chance.
I found my real life and am living it for the first time.
I am grateful to be sharing it truly and and whole heartily and gladly with you.
I am truly sorry for the pain and grief I have caused you. You did not deserve it. It was inexcusable, I offer no excuses. I was wrong and I know it. Thank you for giving me a chance to help you heal the hurt I caused you.
There is so much more to do and say. Together we can find our way. I am at your side even though I am far away I am with you.
I love you,

A great way to start the day
I hope you have the same

thaboss posted 12/8/2009 18:15 PM

bump.

mtloser posted 12/9/2009 00:55 AM

you need to get over yourself, this over the top crap is way to self serving.

HUFI-PUFI posted 12/17/2009 11:40 AM

Bumpity bump bump for t he newbies

jewel123 posted 12/18/2009 18:13 PM

Bump cause this deserves to be on the first page.

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