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Things that every WS needs to know

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Blackhair posted 9/18/2013 04:43 AM


morethantrying posted 9/18/2013 06:21 AM

did anyone give it to the WS and what was their response...what about if it is already 8 months after DDay?

selfishme posted 9/18/2013 21:07 PM

thank you so much for posting this. It has helped me see the ways to comfort my BS.

Simple posted 9/19/2013 16:18 PM

Wonderful post. My FWH figured this out himself, thankfully, through reading various books, prayers, good friends, and on his own. I can attest that although not perfect in his implementation this is what my FWS had done and it worked. We are 5 years in R now.

[This message edited by Simple at 4:19 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]

conflicted88 posted 9/27/2013 05:59 AM

I printed this out for my WS. He's sitting next to me reading this as I write I post. Thank you thank you to whoever took the time to write this.

LosferWords posted 9/30/2013 18:47 PM


SisterMilkshake posted 10/3/2013 11:43 AM

LosferWords posted 10/8/2013 20:56 PM


SpaceJane posted 10/19/2013 14:42 PM

Just bumping it. I feel this should always be on the first page, as a BS I feel like all WS should read this. Thank you.

lloyddobler posted 10/25/2013 08:27 AM

Bump. Among many, many helpful things I have read, this may prove to be the most helpful, esp if I can get WW to read it. Thanks to jjct for pointing it out to me!

nicjean83 posted 10/25/2013 11:35 AM

WOW! As newly WS having a hard time understanding my BH ( He is not fully opening up to me we are only 3 weeks in) This was the best read I have found yet. I plan to put all the things i your post in action. I too have a hrd tim opening up. i was taught to stay emotionally shut down my whole life. So speaking my thoughts and emotions are not in my nature at all. Something Our MC is working with us on. tytyty for your post again!

SurprisinglyOkay posted 11/3/2013 18:43 PM

Bumpity bump

Oldernotwiser posted 11/4/2013 13:14 PM

I shared this w my H, he made no effort to read it on his own so I read it with him, later he read it alone. Never said anything, so I asked what did you think of the "letter" we read? He said he couldn't remember what it said, we read it aloud again, this time got the response- how long did you have to look till you found someone who wrote what you think? He said it's not his view of things. I feel betrayed again, he says there is no such thing as healing or working through this. It's a mind set to just put it in the past & move on. I guess that's how he managed to deal with himself for the years he hid the truth, just isn't working for me. Thanks for the great advice, hope someone does better than us because of it.

TheBestMe posted 11/5/2013 05:30 AM

[This message edited by TheBestMe at 8:00 AM, November 11th (Monday)]

Deeply Scared posted 11/5/2013 06:47 AM


Your comment is extremely insulting to those in here trying to work through their issues.

Your H maybe as you described, but not the WS's in this forum..

Please be more respectful when posting in here.

Thank you.

Oldernotwiser posted 11/5/2013 09:56 AM

Sometimes I think we as BS are in a different mindset about what we read. I found the letter expressed so much that I have felt, I thought it described what I would like to have from him very well. That is why I shared it, hoping to open an honest conversation. His response made me feel worse. Hearing that someone else didn't get a great response was good for me.
Yesterday I received an email from Affair Recovery which had a PDF on trust, I read it X2, got up my nerve & shared it with spouse, maybe it was the timing, maybe it was that the letter to WS having just recently been read, IDK, he actually listened, asked some questions & we talked! I discovered that he feels very unsafe talking, reacts with defensiveness because of this. All I have felt is closed off from the affairs, like he has secrets, he has felt I would take whatever he discloses and use it against him. So my hope is we are going to talk more with less fighting, more understanding on both sides and FINALLY make some forward progress. Today I would say- don't give up, something will eventually break thru the shell. Thanks to everyone on SI for making this a place where it is safe to feel what we feel, and thanks for any encouragement, advice & commiserating! We all need to know we are not crazy to keep trying. Sorry too long.

SurprisinglyOkay posted 11/7/2013 19:14 PM


TheAmazingWondertwin posted 11/8/2013 17:09 PM

Will ask him to read this. Amazing.

TheBestMe posted 11/8/2013 19:48 PM

[This message edited by TheBestMe at 8:01 AM, November 11th (Monday)]

iwillNOT posted 12/1/2013 00:17 AM


Notdaniel posted 12/1/2013 15:24 PM

This was a good read. I will say that betrayed spouses could react differently to some of it. I do have to communicate more and tell her why I want her and will work on doing that today. Spending time together is kinda mood dependent. I appreciate the insight into her mind.

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