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Things that every WS needs to know

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onlytime posted 8/21/2016 20:55 PM


sorrowfulmate posted 1/2/2017 21:05 PM


EvolvingSoul posted 1/8/2017 22:45 PM

Bump! Which is a weird word if you say it a bunch.

DelicateLikeU posted 1/10/2017 00:24 AM

Bumpity bump

Maia posted 2/6/2017 23:06 PM

Mefford posted 2/7/2017 00:15 AM

So now I know where this came from!
Thank you, Maia.
I'm trying.
I'm going to make it.

hardlessons posted 7/13/2017 13:20 PM

An oldie but a goody

nothirdchance posted 7/13/2017 23:58 PM

Where to begin? Well a little bit of history I guess.

My wife's affair lasted for 6 Months, from 6/15-12/15. What began as an EA which lasted about a month before turning into a PA from 7/15-9/15 then returned to an EA although they tried to reestablish the physical part of it unsuccessfully from 9/15-12/15.

My first D-day was 1/14/16 when I flat out asked her if she'd been screwing the guy. To my surprise she finally admitted that she had. On 1/19/16 came the nuclear bomb when I discovered photos she'd sent him of her in the motel room waiting for him to leave work and meet her and little love notes she'd sent to him. The final D-day happened on 4/6/16 when her TT finally ended and she told me things that had kept her in a state of guilt and shame to the point she couldn't sleep at night. Finally her lying and deceiving had or was coming to an end.

I shared this brief history and believe me it's way more in depth (Aren't they all)

From 1/16-4/16 whenever I'd flood she would ask me what she could do to help. No matter what I told her it seemed to go in one ear and out the other. She just wasn't "getting it"

I was doing all the work. I was doing the reading the studying the researching. Everything. Every once in a while I'd find something that would help to answer her question "What can I do to help" I'd give it to her, show it to her and ask her to read it or watch the pod cast. Sometimes she would. Unfortunately more often than not she wouldn't.
There was always an excuse why she hadn't. I was growing so tired of her excuses, her reasons why she'd not done any work herself and leaving it all up to me.

Her total lack of remorse and empathy was driving me closer and closer to calling a halt to our R and me showing her the door for good.

Then in late April, 2016 I stumbled upon an article. It may have been "Things that every WS needs to know" or it may have been one that is similar. I don't quite remember.

Miracle of all miracles, she actually read it and slowly but surely I could see changes in her. Genuine remorse, genuine understanding, genuine sorrow for what she had done. What she had done to me. To us. To herself.

We are now almost 15 months since my last D-Day and 18 months since my initial D-Day. I firmly believe that this article or one similar was the catalyst in my WW turning the corner. I believe had she not I wouldn't be writing this as a BS working with his WW on R but I'd be a BS that has since divorced and moved on with my life.

I will forever be grateful. I would only say this to any BS and this is only my opinion based on my experience. Don't be afraid to share with your WS whatever it is you think may be helpful. You never know what it could be that will make that light bulb go off in their head. I pray that if not today that one day they will have ears to hear and eyes that will see.

hardlessons posted 7/14/2017 12:50 PM

nothirdchance, glad to hear it! This thread has helped many for many years.

nothirdchance posted 7/26/2017 20:13 PM

Bumping because this deserves to be on page 1

EvolvingSoul posted 9/5/2017 20:27 PM

Bumping for Happy123

ISurvivedSoFar posted 9/10/2017 13:02 PM

There are so many truths in this post it's hard to imagine adding something but here are two things that I found helped a lot.

Brutal honesty with my WS. For the most part (save 6 months out and the days around d-day), I let the anger go and sat in the emotions, allowing them to flow. In so doing, I wrote to my WS often about my feelings (he could tell when I was in a bad space of course) in the most honest way. I was not mean, but I did not hold back. Then if his reaction was not what I needed, I let him know that too. The more honest I was about my feelings the more relief I got and the more he had the opportunity to respond in a way that told me if he was remorseful or not. So I would suggest WS's recognize that honesty and sit in it rather than defend themselves.

The second item relates to feeling safe. WS's need to know that they will not die if their BS gets angry, sad, and so on. They need to grasp the fact that they caused their own uneasiness and they need to sit in it and be okay with the potential consequences of their own making. Now that we're almost a year out, I can say after witnessing my WS's behavior and reading about others on SI, there is a fear of abandonment that seems prevalent among WS's after d-day (and rightly so) that keeps WS's in shame, denial, blame shifting and rug sweeping. The double standard notwithstanding, I found that offering an umbrella of commitment for a period of time to my WS allowed him to face himself and turned him from regretful to remorseful, and from admitting it to owning it. I knew I was not ready to make any decisions in the height of emotions, so promising to stay for a given period of time allowed us both to move from hypervigilance to calm reality. I fought doing this with all my might because I did not understand why I should give my WS anything. But I must say once I did this, he started doing the very hard work required to get to remorse.

[This message edited by ISurvivedSoFar at 1:14 PM, September 10th (Sunday)]

EvolvingSoul posted 9/22/2017 20:01 PM

bumping for JulieMarie

Salty16 posted 9/30/2017 20:06 PM

I am so glad I found this post! I was able to read to my WH this morning. It opened a door for him to better understand how to help me. He said that almost every word hit the nail on the head.
I read it and read a lether I had wtitten. He answered every question and a week of severe anxiety melted away. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Salty16 posted 9/30/2017 20:07 PM

I apologize for typos. My phone is using creative spelling??!

EvolvingSoul posted 10/2/2017 23:17 PM

bump for bravesgrl101

SheHurtMeBad posted 10/6/2017 16:44 PM

I know this was posted years ago but I can't say enough how accurate this is. As a BS, I immediately emailed this to my WW and asked her to please read it all. This post was able to communicate what I have not been able to over these last 5 1/2 months since DDay.

Thank you.

Deejay523 posted 10/6/2017 18:11 PM
This is the original link...

36yearsgone posted 10/7/2017 10:55 AM

Thank you so much for writing this. As a B'S you perfectly put into words the things I am experiencing.

EvolvingSoul posted 10/13/2017 19:45 PM

Bumped for BadMom9

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