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User Topic: Things that every WS needs to know
looking forward
♀ Member
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, March 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please remember that if R is to happen, both BS and WS have to heal.
~ Remorseful WW

Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
Together almost 48 years.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 3048 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
♀ Member
Member # 26901
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, March 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow - I always found it an eye opener how similar all affairs, BS and WS really are... we are human following some pattern when in similar situations.

BW - middle age.
WH - middle age.

Married - 20 years
3 kiddos - 9 and under.
D-day #1 - early November 2009.
D-day #2 - mid December 2009 (TT).
Recovered: (2012)

edits spelling and grammar errors.

Posts: 291 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Somewhere on the surface
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, March 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((( Islandgrl & MessedUpandDown )))))

Island Girl Ė thank you for coming forward with the information about the author. I have been waiting for months and am glad that I now can give credit to the author of this great article.

MessedUpandDown Ė Thank you for this amazing post. You did an excellent job in compling the information that a WS needs so they can trely understand what they have done to their BS. Your article has provided great insight into the BSís heart and mind and has helped numerous WS's understand the real impact that our affairs have had on our spouses.

As you read this post, you can see that the article has critical acclaim and you should be proud of being the author. Thank you for letting me share this with the rest of the SI community.

At least now, credit can go to the persons who truly deserve it.



(edited for spelling & the usual stuff)

[This message edited by HUFI-PUFI at 2:46 AM, March 29th (Monday)]

Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3298 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
♀ Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, March 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wonderful post. Sent the link to my H to read.

I'd like to add to the physical symptoms that can happen - constantly cold. I had/have this issue. No matter what I do at times I can not get warm. I've heard of others having that as well.

BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
dying in remorse
♀ New Member
Member # 27518
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, April 1st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


FWW 30 (ME)
BH 34 (My Love)
Married 7 years
Together 9 1/2 years
D-day 2-1-10
2 boys - ages 12 & 7
1 girl - age 5

Our abusers may have thought they broke us, beat us, dominated and manipulated us, but they strengthened us.

Posts: 47 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Iowa
♀ New Member
Member # 27802
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, April 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a fantastic post. It summed up pretty much everything I've been trying to tell WH but haven't been able to articulate. I gave a copy to him, and he said it really helped him to understand too. So, we'll see! Great post. I think this needs to be on the JFO forum too as many people don't venture over here.

DD#1 - 02/26/10 - 4 month PA
DD#2- 03/03/10 - 18 month PA "relationship"
DD#3 - 10/31/10 (separated at the time, but found out about an affair that happened about 9 years ago)


Married for 5 years, together for almost 13.

Posts: 25 | Registered: Mar 2010
♂ Member
Member # 24367
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, April 25th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iíve been lurking on this post, checking back on it every now and then. But since Iíve been ďoutedĒ I guess itís time to say something. This project began as a catharsis for me and a means to express all this to my WW. I was really just trying to provide some insight and clarity. Since it helped me, I thought it might be a good tool for other couples whose marriages have been severely wounded by infidelity. As BSs begin in what I call ďthe state of emotional vertigoĒ and remain in emotional overload for a while, we have a tough time understanding it ourselves, let alone communicating it to our WSs. Indeed, moments of clarity seem to be at a premium in the early stages.

I hypothesized that this article might help others but I didnít know how to go about making it available without appearing to be selling something. Then I found occasions when quoting from it (a sentence or two, or even a paragraph) appeared to be an apropos response to a post. Iíd write, ďHereís a quote from ĎUnderstanding Your Betrayed Spouse.íĒ Then Iíd insert the quote. I did this three or four times, offering to make the article available. The result was startling. I started getting PMís asking for a copy of the article. I think I emailed about 60 to 70 copies and always asked the recipient to let me know if it helped. I did get numerous responses ranging from ďMy partner gets it nowĒ to ďIíd be too afraid to share this with my spouse.Ē In no event did anyone write back and say, ďI shared it with her/him and it made things worse.Ē

I never really expected to see the article posted here in its entirety, but I must confess that seeing all the positive responses brought tears to my eyes. This demonstrates how much SI can mean to all of us. There is so much understanding here. Despite all the pain we may carry privately, so long as we have this community we need not be alone.

Me: BH
Her: WW
Married: 16 years
DDay: 12-12-08 ~ S: 8-1-10
"If at first you don't succeed, try try again. Then give up. There's no sense in being a damn fool about it." - W.C. Fields

Posts: 163 | Registered: Jun 2009
♀ Member
Member # 23950
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, April 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had read this earlier, and it became one of the measures to validate how my stbx was doing. He rarely apologized, and blame shifted. He continued to indulge with porn, albeit on a lower level, and eventually re-established contact with his favorite hooker. He was not truly remorseful. Even after the papers have been filed, he still will not fully admit that he cheated all on his own. I "forced" him into it.
This posting shows how a truly repentant ws can restore trust and salvage their relationship.

Me-BS WHSA, 3 wonderful kids, all grown.
Denial is not just a river in Egypt

Posts: 570 | Registered: May 2009 | From: South
♂ Member
Member # 22845
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, April 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hufi what a post

Iwantamiracle, you are my everything, I will love you always and forever. Life without your smile, your love is empty and sad.
I will not stop working on me on us, I will not stop caring, will not stop loving you, ever. Faithfuly and commited.

Posts: 412 | Registered: Feb 2009
♀ New Member
Member # 27404
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, April 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I can say is Thank You!

MessedUpandDown: I think that it is wonderful for you to see the response your article has created. We never know when something we do will impact someone else. It made me feel good so I can only imagine how you should feel. Thank You.

[This message edited by ohell at 12:08 AM, April 27th (Tuesday)]

BW 37 yrs old
WH 42 yrs old
Married 15 years
4 kids
D-Day 1/6/10

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jan 2010
♀ Member
Member # 28127
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! What wonderful information MessedUpandDown! Thank you so much for sharing it Hufi.

I sent it to my WH and he read it and it made sense to him as well as to me.

It helps put into words what my heart and head are feeling but just can verbalize.

[This message edited by GrievingMommy at 10:26 AM, April 28th (Wednesday)]

Me - Now 36 y/o
WXH: Now 45 y/o and 18+ hrs away -NPD asshole now onto wife #3.
My sweeties: 5 yr old B/G twins. 90% custody (or more) since 14 months old.
D-Day 4/4/10 PA('s?) & EA's - D'd 7/11

Posts: 1691 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Upper Midwest
♀ Member
Member # 26454
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, April 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump for a newbie who is struggling.....



Live your questions now, and perhaps without even knowing it, you will live along some distant day into your answers. Rilke

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2009
♀ Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, May 6th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump for newbies

BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
♀ Member
Member # 28452
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, May 6th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

as the WS here, this was very informational. Most of the questions I find myself asking people here on SI are composed of "what can/should I do to...." in one form or another. So this was very helpful.

Does anyone happen to know of anything similar for the BS to read? Things to know about the WS or w/e? I think it might help his confusion to read something along the lines of the grieving process for the betrayer as well. Because those of us who truly are sorry, we do grieve. I'm frieving the loss of what I now know was a perfectly healthy marriage, and I will never have that again :(

anyways, my point being: THANK YOU!

Dday 4/21/2010
Me: WS 25
Him: BS 30

Posts: 266 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Dallas, TX
♀ Member
Member # 23552
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, May 8th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Me - BS
Him - WS
MOW - Ole fatty w 2 others on the side besides mine and her husband

Posts: 215 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Canada Eh
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, May 13th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumped for (((hunter07))) and even for myself.

As I got off Skype this morning, I was reminded again that my BS will be dealing with MY AFFIAR for the rest of her life. I was reminded again that I had made stupid decisions that will forever impact her life and that she was the innocent victim of my life decisions.

And during this conversation, I was not as sensitive to the hurt that she was feeling over my decision as I should have been. I was being defensive in my replies in order to protect my fragile ego, whereas I should have been more empathetic to her feelings. Ah well, I guess this is way this particular post is one that I re-read on a regular basis.


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3298 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
♀ Member
Member # 28406
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, May 15th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love this post, I sent this to my WS and so far he has been doing such a great job of trying to live each day as my H, not the person who was having the A before this. Thank you!

Me: selfish witch who didn't want three people in our marriage
Him: FT who thought he could have both of us and the OC too

Divorced..drama free...movin on!

Posts: 328 | Registered: Apr 2010
Member # 28601
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, June 3rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That was the one. Thank you very much

Posts: 652 | Registered: May 2010 | From: California
♀ Member
Member # 27150
Default  Posted: 1:31 AM, June 4th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is all I ever wanted him to understand.
Should I copy and paste this to my now ex-husband? I don't want him back, but I need him to understand. We have a child together and we are going to have a relationship for the rest of our life. He did no reconciliation. He just wanted me to get over it. Should I email this to him? Or will it fall on deaf ears.......................

[This message edited by takinit at 1:51 AM, June 4th (Friday)]

That was the past, this is Act II.

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: ND
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 1:57 AM, June 4th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((( takinit ))) - Should I email this to him? Or will it fall on deaf ears.

Perhaps it will fall on deaf ears or perhaps, it will be that clarion call that pricks the mind and touches the heart. But if you do not send it, then you will always regret not trying that one more time and you donít need to add to the list of regrets in your life.

There are times in a personís life, when a single event or action or phrase of word defines that moment. It could be seeing an act of kindness or perhaps it could be reading the words on some paper that becomes the single pivotal event upon which their entire lives change.

You might note that I use quotes to illustrate my posts and if you were to pay attention to those quotes, it should be apparent that one quote in particular is used time after time. Itís not just that itís catchy or even the most insightful but rather, itís the one thing said to me in the very first days after my D-day that rang in my soul.

There was a power to that advice that cut through the bullshit and touched the HUFI inside and let me see my true self, if only for a second and that galvanized me. DECIDE. CHOOSE. COMMIT. PERIOD.

Perhaps, this post may be that one thing that your H needs to read. And if it does fall upon deaf ears, then at least it was not your fault at trying.


Wisdom from Gamine - Make a decision and discipline yourself not to waver. Don't be someone who stands for nothing. Stand for what you decide and back it with the full force of your character and conviction. Decide. Choose. Commit. Period.

Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3298 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
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