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Honey, they always affair down

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KInUSA posted 11/18/2009 09:52 AM

thanks for this, I really enjoyed reading it.

DumbBlonde posted 11/18/2009 09:58 AM

Good post and perfect place for it!! All the BSs who are women go through this. It is natural brcause of the emphasis society has placed on looks. We question who we are and it is always in terms of the outer beauty.

Not who they were/are. At the right place atthe wrong time,could have been anyone. Hard to accept because we blow it up in our minds; the intimacy of the A on all levels. We were lied to. OWs were lied to. Thry were used and if they felt there was an emotional connection it was a facade on the part of the WH to get what he ultimately wanted.

It's just too bad we don't recognize this until after so much pain has been endured

mkd5874 posted 11/18/2009 10:18 AM

Thank you for posting this- I really needed this today.
I would hug you if I could.....

Truer words have never been spoken.

ajsmom posted 11/18/2009 10:20 AM


Half tempted to email it to the OW...just in case she was wondering.


HockeyNut posted 11/18/2009 10:35 AM

Thank you so much!! Made my week!!

HeartbrokeHope32 posted 11/18/2009 10:42 AM

Can i get an AMEN from the choir?!?!?!?!


heart_in_a_blend posted 11/18/2009 11:12 AM

It really is about the ego thing. OW is not better looking than me. WH said she is frumpy, but intelligent. Said he thought of her like a "little sister" Bullshit. He like to give her advice. Bullshit. I said well if she is so intelligent then why is she seeking advice from you?

kluelesskat posted 11/18/2009 11:25 AM

Thanks deathbybetrayal. This made my day. Sometime my crazy brain reverts to BS foggy thinking that there had to be something so friggin great about her.

Some OW, as in my case, are perpetrators who can see an opportunity from a mile away.

I keep telling myself that I am the better person by far. She's a serial cheater who's out for her own.

But thank you for helping BS her remember that this is true.

Sunflowers posted 11/18/2009 12:16 PM

Thank you DBB. What a wonderful post. Amen indeed sister.

In my case, my WH affaired down so much, he picked prostitutes... young faceless nothings, human garbage, women who choose to demean themselves and sleep with drunk middle aged men going through depression and crisis. Opportunists. Sad cases. All of them.

My H was just a transaction to them, and they were just another way to anaesthetise the pain of a life he chose not to face at that time. As Buffalo always so eloquently says, it's just fantasy, escape, Disneyland. And nobody wants to stay in Disneyland forever...

My H has emerged from crisis to choose life, and those whores are as meaningless as the empty vodka bottles he discarded along the way.

Power to all the BSs today.

imtrying posted 11/18/2009 12:40 PM

This is a really important thing to look at. Thank you for writing it. Sure, it is not true in all cases, of course, but it was true for all of my X's OW.

It used to crush me to think of how I wasn't even good enough to compete with the women he wanted instead- even though they were all pretty sad characters, much worse off then I am.

What he told me himself was that he had come to hate himself so much that he couldn't stand to be around me - I knew him too well, I called him on his BS, I didn't let him get away with it anymore. I expected better of him. They didn't. They were glad to have anything he would offer.

By the way, he also was involved with several prostitutes, who knows how many. The ones I know of are ones he "befriended" - don't know how many he might have rented. I actually got to know a couple of them when we were trying to R.

They weren't human garbage. They were people who had been badly wounded as children - horrific stories of sexual and physical abuse, parents on drugs or drunk, neglect, growing up in a car, never learning to read. For the girls I met, they didn't choose to be prostitutes because they wanted to - they did it out of desperation. Not that this helps, but it is hard for me to think of the women I met as garbage. They were all too human once I got to know them.

My two cents!

On_The_Mend posted 11/18/2009 12:40 PM

I echo all the "thank-yous," as I really benefited from this today.

FWH would refer to OW as "such a strong person," but that's a bunch of BS. She's definitely the weak one in the herd, and would even go so far to say so was FWH. They both picked off each other like buzzards.

4myheart posted 11/18/2009 13:27 PM

Wow how true. Even being 1 1/2 year out and completely reconciled that great to hear.

Infidelity Pain posted 11/18/2009 14:00 PM

Thanks for sharing!

susiesmomma posted 11/18/2009 14:02 PM

I don't agree...I think that it makes us feel better to think that way, but all cases are different (ok, in my WH's case, he also, in my opinion, affaired down, but I don't think so in every case.

hopelessromantic posted 11/18/2009 15:37 PM

Except mine was the other way around, my H was the weakest and SHE sought him out of the crowd. He was needing that ego boost but didn't go looking for it, it found him and he sucked it all up

Ms.Martha posted 11/18/2009 20:42 PM

I am so moved to write on this post. I didn't even finish the last page. SO, I am sure some one already said this, but, I am in the same boat as Alana...

I don't agree, at least not totally. And, what about men? Does that not mean the BS is weak also? That he/she were not strong enough to read the signs before them of an A. That they stay even knowing their WS has betrayed them?

I think it is human nature to want to put someone down. But, can you down someone for believing a man/woman when they say I love you. Or how about when they say my SO is dying of cancer? lol (classic one) Anyway, my point is why try to look at what is better or worse about the OP. Because you will miss the point over and over. It is not a contest. It is a vow. He/she broke the vow. OP is just anyone. Can be a famous actress named Angelina. Or it could be the woman that the Prince of England chose, while cheating on Dianne.

You should not IMO compare yourself to the OP. It's your WS and your R you should concentrate on. If this sounds like a 2x4 then I am sorry.

I feel strongly think that without addressing the real core issues of why someone cheats/cheated, and blaming the OP for being "weak" (although it is not their job to be strong for your marriage) will result in a repeat occurence. lol longwinded. I mean to say unless you are just venting, the focus is in the wrong place.

of course JMO.Ok with that said. I also, thought that the OW was a witch(with a capitol B) and skank and whore

And I always told myself I was better than her. At least the first time

Ok sorry to be so jaded maybe that will change.... But, it's been a few years....

owleyes posted 11/18/2009 23:35 PM

This made me feel good too (esp because the OP in my case is 23 to my 42, yow!) but i don't want to think of her as a "whore" or garbage or anything like that. I think she is a kid who made a bad choice. Don't get me wrong--I hate what she did to me. She knew me, had met me, etc. But I do agree that a strong, whole person would never settle for an affair. It isn't honorable, it isn't healthy. It might feel good but it also must feel really bad. I'm never going to be her friend, God no. But the real fault lies with my xWBF. he broke his promise to me. He betrayed me. It's him, not her, I focus the blame on. But thanks for this post because the self esteem does take a hit, am I right? Taking the high road makes us beautiful and stronger.

mom22kids posted 11/19/2009 09:12 AM

thank you for this!

ArialRose posted 11/19/2009 11:25 AM

I love this!

Affair down- I agree. I did not have an A with a MM to gain social and financial status. She did, enough said.

As far as placing blame on breaking vows, that was FWS.

2 different topics IMHO.

Ms.Martha posted 11/19/2009 12:36 PM

[This message edited by Ms.Martha at 11:44 PM, November 19th (Thursday)]

deathbybetrayal posted 11/19/2009 13:17 PM

Ms Martha,
While I understand the pain you are in, please be respectful to the other, hurting wives here.

This post has NOTHING to do with the fact that the blame belongs on the WS - it ALL has to do with the wayward spouse. The blame is entirely on the wayward spouse.

The point of this thread is something that you do not get. That many, if not all betrayed spouses (although this was in support of betrayed wives) take such a hit to their self esteem, as they question if their husband would have not strayed if they had only been prettier, thinner, sexier, smarter, taller, bigger boobs, whatever. We wrestle with those thoughts almost to the point of self destruction.

There are numerous threads about how the wayward husband could have thrown away his wife, his marriage, for some other woman who was in fact, often far less attractive than they are. There are reasons for that. It's not about how the OW looks, it's about feeding something inside of them, most often their own ego.

If you're doing well in the self-esteem area right now, you are to be applauded. Perhaps you can share what it is that gives you the confidence you have in light of what you've been through. Instead of blasting newly betrayed wives, why not share your insight and tips for doing that?

However, I stand firm. If the OW knowingly goes into a relationship with a married man, I AM better than her. At least at that point of her life I am and you will NEVER change my mind about that fact. In fact, I think there are a lot of reformed WW's here on SI who might tell you the same thing - that it was the lowest point of their lives.

If you are offended, you are not forced to read, or respond.

[This message edited by deathbybetrayal at 2:04 PM, November 19th (Thursday)]

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