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User Topic: Honey, they always affair down
♀ Member
Member # 19503
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks for this, I really enjoyed reading it.

DDay 4 November 2009
DDay #2 14 December 2010

Posts: 499 | Registered: May 2008 | From: far far from home
♀ Member
Member # 24972
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good post and perfect place for it!! All the BSs who are women go through this. It is natural brcause of the emphasis society has placed on looks. We question who we are and it is always in terms of the outer beauty.

Not who they were/are. At the right place atthe wrong time,could have been anyone. Hard to accept because we blow it up in our minds; the intimacy of the A on all levels. We were lied to. OWs were lied to. Thry were used and if they felt there was an emotional connection it was a facade on the part of the WH to get what he ultimately wanted.

It's just too bad we don't recognize this until after so much pain has been endured

BW - phone billin Feb 07 taught me a few things about WH
Married Aug 86 (I know, I know!!)
know of 2 As 1 that had been off and on for the duration on my marriage (my name should be: What A Boob!)
lots of Ddays due to trickle truth
Several false

Posts: 349 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: California
♀ Member
Member # 25009
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for posting this- I really needed this today.
I would hug you if I could.....

Truer words have never been spoken.

Me: BW, 35
Him: WH, 36
3 kids
DDay: 8.31.09
Forget about your house of cards- Radiohead

Posts: 179 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: LA
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Half tempted to email it to the OW...just in case she was wondering.


Fidelity isn't a's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!

Posts: 21200 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
♀ Member
Member # 25915
Content  Posted: 10:35 AM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much!! Made my week!!

Posts: 238 | Registered: Oct 2009
♀ Member
Member # 17247
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can i get an AMEN from the choir?!?!?!?!


"What lies behind us, and what lies
before us are small matters
compared to what lies within us."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Posts: 4179 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: NH
♀ Member
Member # 24191
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It really is about the ego thing. OW is not better looking than me. WH said she is frumpy, but intelligent. Said he thought of her like a "little sister" Bullshit. He like to give her advice. Bullshit. I said well if she is so intelligent then why is she seeking advice from you?

In life, much of what one grieves one never had.

Posts: 3036 | Registered: May 2009
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Member # 23552
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks deathbybetrayal. This made my day. Sometime my crazy brain reverts to BS foggy thinking that there had to be something so friggin great about her.

Some OW, as in my case, are perpetrators who can see an opportunity from a mile away.

I keep telling myself that I am the better person by far. She's a serial cheater who's out for her own.

But thank you for helping BS her remember that this is true.

Me - BS
Him - WS
MOW - Ole fatty w 2 others on the side besides mine and her husband

Posts: 215 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Canada Eh
♀ Member
Member # 25960
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you DBB. What a wonderful post. Amen indeed sister.

In my case, my WH affaired down so much, he picked prostitutes... young faceless nothings, human garbage, women who choose to demean themselves and sleep with drunk middle aged men going through depression and crisis. Opportunists. Sad cases. All of them.

My H was just a transaction to them, and they were just another way to anaesthetise the pain of a life he chose not to face at that time. As Buffalo always so eloquently says, it's just fantasy, escape, Disneyland. And nobody wants to stay in Disneyland forever...

My H has emerged from crisis to choose life, and those whores are as meaningless as the empty vodka bottles he discarded along the way.

Power to all the BSs today.

Me BS 44 Him WS 44
Married 4.5yrs
D Day July 09
Now the sun has come out. My H is back to being the man I married. Maybe even better.

Posts: 106 | Registered: Oct 2009
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Member # 22031
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a really important thing to look at. Thank you for writing it. Sure, it is not true in all cases, of course, but it was true for all of my X's OW.

It used to crush me to think of how I wasn't even good enough to compete with the women he wanted instead- even though they were all pretty sad characters, much worse off then I am.

What he told me himself was that he had come to hate himself so much that he couldn't stand to be around me - I knew him too well, I called him on his BS, I didn't let him get away with it anymore. I expected better of him. They didn't. They were glad to have anything he would offer.

By the way, he also was involved with several prostitutes, who knows how many. The ones I know of are ones he "befriended" - don't know how many he might have rented. I actually got to know a couple of them when we were trying to R.

They weren't human garbage. They were people who had been badly wounded as children - horrific stories of sexual and physical abuse, parents on drugs or drunk, neglect, growing up in a car, never learning to read. For the girls I met, they didn't choose to be prostitutes because they wanted to - they did it out of desperation. Not that this helps, but it is hard for me to think of the women I met as garbage. They were all too human once I got to know them.

My two cents!

Posts: 721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Pacific NW USA
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Member # 24422
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I echo all the "thank-yous," as I really benefited from this today.

FWH would refer to OW as "such a strong person," but that's a bunch of BS. She's definitely the weak one in the herd, and would even go so far to say so was FWH. They both picked off each other like buzzards.

BW (me) 43
WH 44
DDay May 31, 2009
M 21 yrs
C Three 17, 15, 11
Reconciled? - "I will sing of Your mercy that leads me through valleys of sorrow to rivers of joy." ~Jars of Clay

"This too shall pass.... like a kidney stone."~Mom

Posts: 343 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: USA
♀ Member
Member # 21015
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow how true. Even being 1 1/2 year out and completely reconciled that great to hear.

"Have you ever been so lost.... Known the way and still so lost." Katy Perry

Posts: 551 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: I da ho....... no she da ho!!!
Infidelity Pain
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Member # 26197
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for sharing!

Betrayed fiance 29
Cheater 22
No children involved
relationship 1 year 9 months

Posts: 13 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Here
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Member # 22199
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't agree...I think that it makes us feel better to think that way, but all cases are different (ok, in my WH's case, he also, in my opinion, affaired down, but I don't think so in every case.


Posts: 379 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: NJ
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Member # 25415
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Except mine was the other way around, my H was the weakest and SHE sought him out of the crowd. He was needing that ego boost but didn't go looking for it, it found him and he sucked it all up

BS-Me FWS-him (bigdog)
D-Day 5/3/09 TT til 6/22/09
Behind every woman scorned is a man who made her that way.

Posts: 2836 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Midwest
♀ Member
Member # 23951
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so moved to write on this post. I didn't even finish the last page. SO, I am sure some one already said this, but, I am in the same boat as Alana...

I don't agree, at least not totally. And, what about men? Does that not mean the BS is weak also? That he/she were not strong enough to read the signs before them of an A. That they stay even knowing their WS has betrayed them?

I think it is human nature to want to put someone down. But, can you down someone for believing a man/woman when they say I love you. Or how about when they say my SO is dying of cancer? lol (classic one) Anyway, my point is why try to look at what is better or worse about the OP. Because you will miss the point over and over. It is not a contest. It is a vow. He/she broke the vow. OP is just anyone. Can be a famous actress named Angelina. Or it could be the woman that the Prince of England chose, while cheating on Dianne.

You should not IMO compare yourself to the OP. It's your WS and your R you should concentrate on. If this sounds like a 2x4 then I am sorry.

I feel strongly think that without addressing the real core issues of why someone cheats/cheated, and blaming the OP for being "weak" (although it is not their job to be strong for your marriage) will result in a repeat occurence. lol longwinded. I mean to say unless you are just venting, the focus is in the wrong place.

of course JMO.Ok with that said. I also, thought that the OW was a witch(with a capitol B) and skank and whore

And I always told myself I was better than her. At least the first time

Ok sorry to be so jaded maybe that will change.... But, it's been a few years....

Posts: 172 | Registered: May 2009
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Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This made me feel good too (esp because the OP in my case is 23 to my 42, yow!) but i don't want to think of her as a "whore" or garbage or anything like that. I think she is a kid who made a bad choice. Don't get me wrong--I hate what she did to me. She knew me, had met me, etc. But I do agree that a strong, whole person would never settle for an affair. It isn't honorable, it isn't healthy. It might feel good but it also must feel really bad. I'm never going to be her friend, God no. But the real fault lies with my xWBF. he broke his promise to me. He betrayed me. It's him, not her, I focus the blame on. But thanks for this post because the self esteem does take a hit, am I right? Taking the high road makes us beautiful and stronger.

Posts: 16 | Registered: Nov 2009
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Member # 16994
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, November 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you for this!

You're not having a bad day. You are having a normal BS day. You are fine.

Posts: 1622 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: what's worse than hell?
♀ Member
Member # 24735
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, November 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love this!

Affair down- I agree. I did not have an A with a MM to gain social and financial status. She did, enough said.

As far as placing blame on breaking vows, that was FWS.

2 different topics IMHO.

in our 40's
M 28 years, together 30 years
3 DSs (adult)
D-Day: 3/23/09, Major TT 2/10/10 5/24/10,10/30/10, & 12/12/10.
Inappropriate online conversations on my part- 10/2011


Posts: 2165 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: arialrose
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Member # 23951
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, November 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by Ms.Martha at 11:44 PM, November 19th (Thursday)]

Posts: 172 | Registered: May 2009
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