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Just Found Out     Print Topic    
User Topic: Honey, they always affair down
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know, I was shocked when I first read this thread. . . I was still in threatened mode. Once I took a long, hard look at her, and myself, I realized that it was totally true. My H literally picked the least accomplished woman we knew. The least. Not that accomplishments in the outside world are everything, but seriously . . . it was kind of liberating and insulting at the same time.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2055 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
emotionalgirl
♀ Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wrote a post the other day after seeing pic of OW for the first time. I was stunned....she was me in every way except hair color ( I am red she is brunette) and she smokes where I don't. Otherwise we could be mistaken as twins. I cried and posted on general. The response I got was that she may look like me but she is not be because I have respect and dignity for myself, she does not. She is just a poor version of me.


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
SurelyNOT
♀ Member
Member # 40617
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really needed this, my heart is literally singing with joy having read this. DBB you just made my day so much better. He has left us for her and really she is welcome to him, reading your piece just reaffirmed this for me. It won't last, I know my H will not be proud to show her off, he's moved to a completely different part of town, dropped our friends, and adopted hers. Thank you for your insight and pearls of wisdom

Posts: 95 | Registered: Sep 2013
Thessalian
♀ Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@emotionalgirl, I had exactly the opposite situation, and it scared me to death.

I'm very tall, thin but on a square, athletic frame and Caucasian. My husband's AP, and many of the women he messed around with, are super short teeny-tiny Asian waif girls.

Not that this makes it any better for you, but I wish my husband cheated with a crappy version of me. At least I'd know that I'm his type sexually. Now, I feel like he decided to marry me despite the fact that I'm not his type, whereas before I'd always believed he thought I was beautiful. Now, though he tells me so often, it's hard to believe him.

My point isn't that it's good that he cheated with someone like you. My point is that no matter who he cheated with, your brain will find a way to say, "why that one?"

[This message edited by Thessalian at 11:28 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013
conflicted88
♀ New Member
Member # 40793
Default  Posted: 1:57 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This post really made me feel better as it was so true in my case. My fiance cheated on me with an ex that he knew would not reject him.

During his confession session he admitted to having a crush of a good friend of mine. Someone whom I know would have put him in his place had he tried anything with her. He knew he didn't stand a chance with my friend and went for the easier target instead - his insecure, desperate for attention ex who was lied to herself repeatedly that the feelings were real when deep down she knew it wasn't.

The funniest part is that she sent him topless photos with her face!!! How classy


Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 5:56 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So totally true in my situation.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've seen this thread before since it gets bumped every so often. The first part of the original post makes me feel better. I agree that the OW is weak, broken, and most definitely trash who was willing and eager to accept all the worst qualities in my XWH. And I agree that he chose her for those very reasons, because to find someone low enough to "look up" to him meant he really had to scrape the bottom of the barrel.

But how am I supposed to feel when this:

So what happens when we catch him with her? Most often he leaves her where he found her, at the end of the row, at the back of the pack – even weaker and more injured than when he found her. She’s worse for the wear. Trust me, it is her self-esteem that is eroded, not ours. After all, she wasn't able to keep him even considering he was in a "loveless, sexless" marriage to a "cold-hearten woman." Because isn't that the way it always is? How pathetic that she's given the answer to the test, gave it her all, and she still failed?

..isn't the way it happened? She was weak, broken, pathetic trash... and he still left me for her. He still showed no regret, no remorse in his decision, no doubt whatsoever for the "trade down" that he chose. He demanded a divorce and eight days later moved out of our home and into a new place they got together.

I haven't read all the pages of replies to this original post, so maybe this has already been addressed... but any help would be appreciated.

It hasn't been a good day so far. And it's not even noon.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 912 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
hard_yards
♀ Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1241 | Registered: Apr 2009
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone,
I'm just popping in from my usual spot in JFO and divorce/ separation!

Would I be right in thinking that this thread is mainly posted to by women? If so, I can understand why so many women feel hurt to be dumped for a younger/ prettier/ slimmer/ sluttier model. What I can say is that, as a man, a decent honest man, that these men are arseholes.

I had plenty of opportunities to dabble away from home (but didn't) but I actually cherished my WW's physical imperfections. Every single stretch mark, scar, wrinkle, vein and pimple was adored. I knew every single blemish and it made me love her more. It was a map of our history together. Sure, I am attracted to women on the TV who catch my eye but it never stopped me finding my wife attractive and turned on by her. Ultimately men DO know there is more to life than the superficial.

What I'm trying to say is, their choices are crap, they may have put their dicks in something that gives a 5 minute thrill ride, but sex without emotion and connection is just rubbish.

Never consider you are less than the OW.

My wife's POS is a shorter, balder, uglier version of me. He looks like Gru. He smokes and he is arrogant, smug, controlling and clearly lacking backbone and morals. He is willing to steal another mans wife and children and then rub my nose in it. This is not a man whom I should be jealous of.

When I first heard of him via my wife's emails and subsequent conversations, she portrayed him as a better version of me. He was strong, assertive, confident, a leader. What she couldn't see was that is me to a Tee. I had a wobble of depression for 6 months in early 2012 where those character traits were suppressed but then I returned stronger than ever. It was during this time that her boss took over as the strong character she was attracted to. She no longer saw me being the strong person she wanted. She saw me as weak and flawed.

Now I see that she is the flawed one. He is weak (and really ugly!) and they are welcome to each other.

They always affair down



Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 716 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


But how am I supposed to feel when this:

So what happens when we catch him with her? Most often he leaves her where he found her, at the end of the row, at the back of the pack – even weaker and more injured than when he found her. She’s worse for the wear. Trust me, it is her self-esteem that is eroded, not ours. After all, she wasn't able to keep him even considering he was in a "loveless, sexless" marriage to a "cold-hearten woman." Because isn't that the way it always is? How pathetic that she's given the answer to the test, gave it her all, and she still failed?
..isn't the way it happened? She was weak, broken, pathetic trash... and he still left me for her. He still showed no regret, no remorse in his decision, no doubt whatsoever for the "trade down" that he chose. He demanded a divorce and eight days later moved out of our home and into a new place they got together.

Gypsy, I am sorry your husband left. It is clear from his callous and inhumane behaviour that the OW won nothing, except continual doubt as to when it will happen to her.

Read over your words again - he must continually need someone to look up to him, or rather he must continually need to look down on someone and feel superior. I guess he couldn't with you.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5123 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
Swims
♀ Member
Member # 30992
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump for rachelc

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: East Coast
standinghere
♂ Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you don't think they affaired down, then you don't really know much about the AP.

Realizing it is the hard part, because to many of us these AP's are sort of vague and mystical in a way. We think they must have some kind of appeal that others don't have, something that overwhelmed our WS's adherence to the appropriate boundaries.

When the real problem is that the WS didn't have the proper boundaries long before the AP showed up.

All that happened is that someone came on the scene that was willing to engage in an affair with the WS.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1012 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5123 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread is taking me for a loop...

1. I have to agree to a certain extent..
My wife had multiple AP that I know of. One was short term and he is physically in my case better looking than me and she had sex with him twice, but said he was a jerk. The one she had a full blown relationship, would look like me but heavier set. He was her mentor in the church and both have a interest in music. He taught her how to play the drums. Now he left her after getting all the sex I never got... She tell's me it isn't about looks but personality. I told her he was in the same porn addiction group I was in and she went after him knowing that he was married. Some personality, if a man can look at girl, that he help mentor and call his "little sister" and take advantage of her during her Marriage Issues then this guy is a predator and his porn addiction has developed because from what others have shared, when you don't get porn under control, it eventually doesn't become enough and then you start seeking affairs/prostitutes. I have been 3 years clean. And she had the nerve to say that he only told her what she wanted to her.

DUH!!!

2. The part that is making me upset about this, is my WW is the weak one... I always new she was weak and she would fail. She wants someone to make her feel loved, cared for and special. I wasn't perfect, but I tried to do a lot of things.
I guess I didn't try hard enough or I wasn't good enough.

I tempted to post those AP's facebook accounts on here but I am not sure if that is allowed or wise.

[This message edited by LostSamurai at 7:12 AM, December 13th (Friday)]


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Thessalian
♀ Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted on this thread a while back, in the midst of a bunch of body image issues that WH's affair caused.

Thought I'd add an update.

In the beginning, platitudes about the OW being not such a good person did not help at all. I found no real comfort in this post, I felt like this was just an empty attempt for BS's to make other BS's feel better about being put last. And I understand many BS don't get to have an insider's look into OP's life. But I am in a unique position: our social circle is wide, but everyone is only removed by one or two degrees of separation, and I often hear intimate things about people I barely know and "friends of friends of friends", so I end up hearing lots of gossip about OW even when I don't want to or ask about her.

Over the last 3 months, I've come to find out just how true this post is, and as a result, my concerns about her are largely gone. Over and over and over again, in waves of grapevine gossip, WH and I started hearing about more men in our scene that OW is / was sleeping with. Then more. Then more. Then more. It's gotten to the point where I can't think of anyone in that scene that I know she hasn't hopped into bed with, including some real Grade-A slimeballs. Ew.

Finally, after finding out about the last one, WH threw his hands up in the air and said, "Oh god, I had an affair with the scene whore! What is wrong with me? How did I not see that?" WH was just the idiot guy that got emotionally involved with her, half the other guys in our (former) scene are "smart enough" to just bang her and move on.

She's so pathetic, and I only really have some small vestiges of knee-jerk jealousy hanging around about her looks or social resume. But then I think about what her life is like and I realize what a wasteland it is. Always the secret screw that guys take home from the club when they're drunk, that they proposition at 4 in the morning because they know she'll say 'yes', but no one asks her out on an actual date, like, ever. And her last boyfriend (and to my new understanding, all her other serious boyfriends) cheated on her profusely and publicly. She's so starved for real affection that she thinks WH's lies and deceptions are the nicest thing anyone's done for her in a while, and she clung to the memory of being discarded for me, telling herself it was romantic. Yikes. What a gross broken person.

I went back and read this post today, and I realized it is COMPLETELY true. All of it, every word. Honey, you may never hear about how screwed up OP is, but they DO always affair down.

[This message edited by Thessalian at 9:18 PM, December 15th (Sunday)]


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013
darklilly23
♀ New Member
Member # 39457
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to thank you for this post,
Is has been confusing as hell trying to understand how I got traded in for, for, "that".... Lol, so dead on right this post is, WS needed something to feed his fragile Ego and I would no longer give him the undeserved ego kibbles that he apparently needed.

Little things like " Honey I know you are a "Artist" and all but how are we going to actually afford to move out of your mothers house after living there for 10 years?"

Stressed him out too much, sooo he found someone (an ex girl friend) who "needed help with her marriage"

She is so much more understanding than I was...

The problem he said was ultimately that I wanted him to do the impossible, I wanted him not to "want to talk to her.

So he solved it all by bonking her :D really helped her marriage and solved his marriage issues as well! Lol ...
Sigh....

Anyway I digress, thanks for this post! It really lifted my chin up!


Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2013
Dreamland
♀ Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ho Ho Ho .. Yes my fWH did A way down. First she's fugly and squatty thinks she smart but when I told her what fWH called her she realized she was nothing.
He said he would meet her at the park and fuck lot. I say wow you picked a class act ... having sex in the car..
He said "well she asked if we could go to a hotel but I told her she wasn't worth the money". Man can you believe she kept going back and fucked him in the car.. Talk about low self esteem. That made me laugh until I realized how selfish he was dstroying our M for that POS.
What a whore. He found out she did that while in college with married professors. Can you say stupid.

[This message edited by Dreamland at 10:48 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)]


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for this thread. It's hard to remind myself that if nothing else, no matter what she looks like, the OW does not have integrity or morals, and that is something I value more highly than outward appearances.

So far, everyone who has seen OW's pic on FB has said she is not pretty. My first instinct is always, "that's because she is ugly inside.".

I'm still hoping my WH comes out of the fog. I'm afraid he is going to have to move out before that happens. Right now I am trying to work on myself so that I can emotionally support my kids when/if their DDay comes. So far he hasn't filed, but I think it's only a matter of time.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Spelljean
♀ Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 4:28 AM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 497 | Registered: Nov 2013
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