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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread - II
Trying2Survive2
♀ Member
Member # 25758
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, August 22nd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KISA
Good one!
Even tho the physical part was a ONS, the games went on for 4 months. Interesting, MY FWH says it was OVER when they had the ONS. It woke him up and he felt immediately guilt and remorse, and was done with it.
Must have been more about the game. I don't know. Can anybody relate to that?


Faithful Wife ME 52
FWH 47
DDAY #1 1/11/09 EA Online ONLY (NC)
DDAY #2 6/2010 Admitted PA with the same PIG(12/08)
"Anything may be betrayed, anyone may be forgiven, but not those who lack the courage of their own greatness"

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: USA
Me_Too
♀ Member
Member # 27964
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, August 22nd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Similar issue here, although not a full-fledged "I love you" EA. More tons of texting and emailing and just excessive attention to her. He was very much in KISA mode, listening to her problems with boys (ugh-typing this almost 6 months still makes me sick to my stomach).

After the ONS, she was sooo offended that he regretted it. "Was it just lust?", I believe she asked . . . And after he wrote the NC letter, bitch even texted him that it was "so unfair". Wow, just wow.

It does make it weird when it's a hybrid ONS with somewhat on an EA, right?


Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Maryland
RushingIt
♀ Member
Member # 29309
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, August 22nd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KISA! omg, thank god there is an acronym for this one. lol...

This is my WH in a nutshell. wow.. never really thought of it that way.. He admitted to a second ONS, when we were in the car on our way home from having dinner to "celebrate" our anniversary. I've never needed a knight, and these women both did..

wow.. I need to think on this one.

feelingstupid,
I couldn't agree more. I can't believe the ego stroke, and getting his rocks off was worth our marriage, our life, me, our kids, and his sense of self.

What a fucking idiot he turned out to be.


BW me 31 WH 37
Dday 7/23/2010 ONS
TT 8/20/2010 another ONS
Some folks wish roses didn't have thorns, I'm grateful that the thorns have roses.

Posts: 105 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: wa
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, August 22nd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We didn't have the KISA thing going on, but I can smell those women a mile away and they PISS ME OFF. One of my husband's coworkers is like this. He had some people over for a football game, and she was there. I told him that I got a vibe off her I didn't like. He said, "Oh, she's really nice, she just has a hard time with her husband, he does this and that and blah blah blah. . .. " I was like, um, how do you KNOW all this? She is totally looking for a KISA. Thing is, he didn't know all that directly from HER - she had shared all this with another (male) coworker, who shared it with my husband. We went to lunch with him one day and he mentioned her and all her problems and I could tell she had him all twisted up around her finger.

GAHH! I just want to smack these women. This is exactly why I want to teach my little girl to be her own hero.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6146 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
RushingIt
♀ Member
Member # 29309
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, August 22nd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jana, that is a completely profound statement.. "be her own hero"

This is my new promise to myself. I WILL be my own hero! I am going to begin NOW. I can't think of a better gift to give myself, and to give my children.

I am having a day of profoundness.. I don't know if I'm suddenly open to ideas, or what, but all day long, I've been reading and thinking "OMG, that is an amazing thought, wish I'd had it, but I will have it now" over and over and over.

Thank you, Jana


BW me 31 WH 37
Dday 7/23/2010 ONS
TT 8/20/2010 another ONS
Some folks wish roses didn't have thorns, I'm grateful that the thorns have roses.

Posts: 105 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: wa
whydidyou
♀ Member
Member # 29388
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, August 26th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How long was it before you could/would openly and honestly/calmly have a conversation with your spouse about your affair??? We are 8 month's out from DD. And while I have some details given under the most stressful and angry of times. I feel I have been as patient as can be, and we can't move on completely until he expresses the why and what's of this affair. Is there ever a time when you can just talk about it? Without having been given a set of questions and you only feel as though you have to answer those? And give answers other than "I don't/can't remember"? Someone please help me understand how you can forget so much of ONS w/someone you have known for 10 years, after ONS there were 3 months of continued contact. We all live in different states he had a EA 10 years ago with this MOW. SO she was not some stranger in the bar. How do I get him to open up? I really don't know how much longer I can wait this is driving me nuts. NC from DD I know this. Doing everything he can to improve our relationship, but simply refuse to deal with the "event". I hope I have posted this in the right forum. BS welcome to give any advice you may have, I'm dying slowly here and don't know what to do. MC not an option, I am IC helping some. Anyway thank-you for listening, any advice would be most helpful.


BS (me)
WS (him)HowIHeal
DD 1/2010

ETA. IPAD auto correct stinks, sorry for typos and numerous edits!


Posts: 759 | Registered: Aug 2010
RushingIt
♀ Member
Member # 29309
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, August 27th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not that far from dday myself, and as my name suggests we are flying through things... kinda cuz of who I am, and kinda because of the TT (which sucks) and that my WH is a shitty liar when put on the spot. But I cam answee you a little. The calm discussions start happening when ws has told you all the big stuff and when they have truly committed to R.


BW me 31 WH 37
Dday 7/23/2010 ONS
TT 8/20/2010 another ONS
Some folks wish roses didn't have thorns, I'm grateful that the thorns have roses.

Posts: 105 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: wa
tsol25
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Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 12:56 AM, August 28th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On Wednesday I found out about boyfriend's drunken ONS. He told me himself the next day which was brave of him. He felt guilt and regret immediately after.

The details are really bugging me today. We were in the middle of an instant message conversation when he said he had to go get gas. Then apparently he got a text from a friend inviting him over. It was after liquor store hours so I'm not sure if he had brought the liquor with him to the "gas station" or if he really was getting gas and they shared drinks when he got their. Apparently the people there were already drunk and then a girl threw herself at him.

He also had the common sense to put on a condom but not enough to say no. I haven't talked to him since Wednesday (I'm talking some time to think till Monday) so I'm not sure how he got home, but I'm assuming he drove to this friend's house.

I grew up always being my friend's DD -not to say I don't drink, but I got my license first and it stuck. But when I do drink I always revert back to my DD past and when need be I always sober up to take care of whoever/whatever needs taken care of. So deep down I believe anyone can do this. I believe that liquor doesn't affect you to the point that you would do something you TRULY wouldn't do sober.

Ahh...I'm just confused. I want more answers so I'm not dwelling on these but I also feel I should stick to my original instinct and wait till Monday.


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
WhiteCarrera
♂ Member
Member # 29126
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, August 31st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've made this argument in another post, but I think alcohol absolutley does affect your inhibitions, but what are inhibitions? They are things that you want to do, but normally have the restraint to stop yourself. Alcohol doesn't create the desire to do certain things -- it just releases it.

People don't get drunk and suddenly want to go to the dentist. They get drunk and want to have sex, because having that sex is also what they want to do sober, but their level of restraint is now gone.


If I want recovery, then I must allow for it to actually happen.
Is it possible that I actually do have all the truth now?

me - husband A46
her - wife A42
Married 17 years
D-Day August 2, 2009
3 kids 11, 13, and 15


Posts: 258 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Midwest
Me_Too
♀ Member
Member # 27964
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, August 31st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whydidyou - One thing I've seen posted in a few forums is to write questions you need answered down on paper, and then the WS can write the answers down. This is, for some people, a less stressful way of confronting issues. I have also seen setting aside a specific time to talk about things--rather than questions out of nowhere--endorsed by many as helpful in dealing with these issues. MC might be very helpful too--while some people can lie to counselors, it provides additional pressure for good behavior and honesty. The biggest issue, though, is the extent to which there are consequences for him not talking about this, and the extent to which you let him get away with this. If you keep moving forward as is (correct me if I am wrong on my assumption of how things are going right now!), he knows he can pitch a fit and he'll not have to tell you anything. If you don't stand up for yourself, he certainly will not! Of course, it's up to you the amount of detail/what you need to know.

tsol25 -

He also had the common sense to put on a condom but not enough to say no.

I am 6 months out at this point and this is still one of the things that absolutely pisses me off about my WBF's ONS. I mean, really.

Keep the questions coming. Tell us more about how you're doing. You're going to go through a "rollarcoaster" of emotions here, so go with it. It will turn out alright. Don't rush your decision. Give it time. Maybe Monday to talk to him, but you don't have to say "stay" or "go" definitely at that time. Get into IC if possible. He should as well. WhiteCarrera is correct. Alcohol or not, the ability to cheat was in your BF. He needs to find out WHY, why he was vulnerable, why he disrespected you, etc. If he doesn't deeply delve into this, real reconciliation is not possible.


Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Maryland
WhiteCarrera
♂ Member
Member # 29126
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, September 1st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He also had the common sense to put on a condom but not enough to say no.

My "drunk" wife had the sense to leave his hotel room and go to her own to take out her contacts, but then not the common sense to stay there. She returned to his and sealed the deal :(


If I want recovery, then I must allow for it to actually happen.
Is it possible that I actually do have all the truth now?

me - husband A46
her - wife A42
Married 17 years
D-Day August 2, 2009
3 kids 11, 13, and 15


Posts: 258 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Midwest
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, September 1st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tsol, I'm sorry. This is so fresh and hurtful for you right now.

It IS amazing that he told you the next day. Wow. That took some guts, I guess.

There were a lot of things that my husband did while drunk that make me say, "WTF? You thought to do XYZ (including CALLING ME) but you didn't think to say NO to going along with your stupid friend who wanted to hire PROSTITUTES?"

So yeah, I feel ya, sister. It's shitty.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6146 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, September 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup-- my husband was "drunk out of his mind", and yet was somehow able to get home from the bar with the hooker (we were living in a foreign country at the time and he doesn't speak the language well), use a condom, and shower after. It still doesn't add up for me, almost two years out.

I've said this before but I think it bears repeating: alcohol was a factor, but this was HIS decision. HE owns it, not the alcohol or the co-workers he was with who bought him the whore (a gift- how sweet).

As much as that was a hard realization for me to come to, it's actually been pretty liberating and helpful in our reconciliation. I don't let him play the "drunk" card-- this was HIS decision, and therefore in owning it he must also own all that comes with making our marriage better.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
hopelessromantic
♀ Member
Member # 25415
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, September 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone still around? Just feeling kinda "blue" and some issues addressed in other forums here just don't seem to fit the ONS/short term A struggles.

Just needing someone to talk to that "understands"


BS-Me FWS-him (bigdog)
D-Day 5/3/09 TT til 6/22/09
Behind every woman scorned is a man who made her that way.

Posts: 2836 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Midwest
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, September 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's going on, Hope? Sometimes I feel like our situations don't quite "fit" on the General or Rec. board, too. Is there something bothering you in particular, or just feeling lonely? I feel lonely a lot.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6146 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
hopelessromantic
♀ Member
Member # 25415
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, September 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not anything "new" just thoughts of the shitstorm for the past 2 years now and looking back trying to figure out how the hell it got to this..how HE got to the mess he was and why was having sex with a stranger and then talking to her after cuz he liked the attention so much the answer to "fix" what was wrong with him?

He knows NOW that it wasn't the answer at all and that he just got "caught up in it" but damn, there are still certain things I play over and over in my mind and no matter how I try to make it all fit together and so I can understand and sympathize with him, sometimes I just can't and I get so pissed all over again.

He's being wonderful, better than ever actually and he has done the hard work of figuring out what was going on with him at the time and she offered, he accepted, all under the influence of alchol no less.

I think what is bothering me lately is how does he go from 6 or 8 months of feeling shitty about himself - had gained weight, had back surgery, couldn't do anything for 4 months, came to feel like me and my kids didn't need him or want him around, that he hurt me during sex, and just felt completely undesirable, why would I want to touch him, I was just feeling sorry for him mentality that lead him to accept her offer to have sex and talking and then when caught he immediately ended all conversation with her, told her he had to fix his marriage that he loved his wife and that they should have never been doing what they were doing, it was wrong.

For a good 6 months he was withdrawn, wasn't much of a husband or stepdad, wasn't wanting to be intimate, it wasn't because he was having an A at this point, but I chalked it up to his back surgery and recovery period, so I didn't push, even though I did talk to him about it. So I sensed stuff was bothering him.

so after he's caught and ends it with her, in a matter of weeks he's back to wanting me, making love to me basically allowing me to touch him again, (he didn't want me touching his fat, he felt disgusting etc) he's being that man I fell in love with all over again and then some, so I struggle to understand how he goes from feeling worthless and undesirable to being my husband again just like that?

He says it's because it was a wake up call for him and he was relieved that he got caught cuz he didnt' know how to get out of it, afraid she'd call and tell me if he did end it and he felt shitty about himself and didn't think I cared if he was around anymore or not and now he knows better after our months of talking about things...but it's just so hard some days.

Sorry so long, just kinda "dumped" it out there, sorry, thanks for listening, I could probably go on and on


BS-Me FWS-him (bigdog)
D-Day 5/3/09 TT til 6/22/09
Behind every woman scorned is a man who made her that way.

Posts: 2836 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Midwest
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, September 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"HOW DID THIS HAPPEN" is the thing that shuts me down. I'm normally upbeat, obnoxiously optimistic, the one who's always finding the silver lining. Normally I feel pretty good about things with us, but sometimes I just get paralyzed wondering how he could have done this and I can't get past it. There will never be an answer and I don't know how to accept it.

It sucks. I wish I had wise words that would make you feel better. You're not alone . . . I know in a weird way that helps me sometimes.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6146 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
hopelessromantic
♀ Member
Member # 25415
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, September 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're not alone

I know, and I know I'm not the only one to go thru this. Thank you for listening.

Just hard when he KNEW I had been thru this in my first marriage and promised me I'd never have to worry about something like this in "our" marriage.


BS-Me FWS-him (bigdog)
D-Day 5/3/09 TT til 6/22/09
Behind every woman scorned is a man who made her that way.

Posts: 2836 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Midwest
whydidyou
♀ Member
Member # 29388
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, September 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well things are really going good:) I got him to open up and discuss all the details of ONS/EA While I already knew quite a bit I now feel I know all I need to. Just kept repeating that I would not be able to move on and heal without it and was NOT going to just drop it.

And good lord the flood gates have opened We talk more now than we ever have I think. In fact we are going to have to set times and limits on these conversations as we tend to loose track and go off in all kinds of directions. Sometimes good sometimes not so much.

I have accepted I will never have a black and white as to the why, perfect storm desribes it best. She set it all up including her husband finding out and FWS fell for it hook line and stinker .

Does that make it more her fault than his? FWS says 100% NOT, he alone failed me no one else. And that's true enough.

But man do I hate that bitch!!!! She knew exactly what she was doing and didn't give a rats ass about my family( all of which knows). You want to srew over your husband go right ahead (your issue) but stay the hell away from married men!

As you may be able to tell this is what I am having a hard time letting go of!! This anger that just comes out of no where. I can't think of a single thing more FWS can do to help. He really is being wonderful in every way. Have nothing to complain about so why can't I just fucking let go fo this

I know all the don't give her that power over you, she doesn't matter, she can't hurt you bullshit. (sorry) I KNOW that in my head. But heart still rages, is still really pissed off at them both

Thanks for letting me vent, all bs's please feel free to slam the skank, the more the better


BS (me)
WS (him)HowIHeal
DD 1/2010

ETA. IPAD auto correct stinks, sorry for typos and numerous edits!


Posts: 759 | Registered: Aug 2010
GraceisGood
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Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, September 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just hard when he KNEW

My H KNEW too. On the night before our wedding I told him again not to show up the next day unless he was prepared to be faithful to me, to MEAN his vows.

My wounds from infidelity stem back to my infancy, he knew this. All I required/requested/needed was faithfulness, everything else I was willing to negotiate.

He KNEW this and yet betrayed me many times. He could not give me the only thing I needed.

So, I get how that feels.

My only answer for why or how could this happen was that my H was a hurt person and hurting people hurt people.

He was so focused on his own pain that he could not see anything else. The few times he came out of himself enough to think about what he was doing and the harm it was causing he could not handle the guilt and shame and he dug himself deeper into his hole. His selfishness was large in the beginning and it grew, it was his drug of choice to deal with his wounds.

My H confessed to me out of his selfishness, he could not take living like that anymore, he was ready to loose me and the kids so he could be free from the lies.

Once free of his secrets he too loved me again, he was like a puppy following me around, hanging on me, everyone commented on how lucky I was to have a H after all these years still so enamored with me. I was in shock and could not enjoy the attention.

The freedom from the secrets gave him the ability to love me again. But really it all boils down to his own selfishness, he WANTED to love me, it made him feel good to love me and treat me nice now.

Of course now 3 years later, he is moving out of the selfishness and having to work harder to love me, it is not so easy now, he does not get the warm fuzzies he did in the beginning, this is the love that is touching me, this is what is finally reaching me, love that comes out of choice and hard work, not just because it makes him feel good, but sometimes now loving me does not feel good for him, yet he does.

Grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

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