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User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread - II
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, November 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much hurting.

tsol, good luck - ((hugs))


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6149 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, November 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just posting an update to the situation. Fwbf has decided that since it was making me uncomfortable he's only staying one night this weekend instead of 2. I'm happy about this because
a) it shows that he really does care, he decided this on his own
b) the less time he's gone, the less time I'll be left worrying
c) I still didn't get a chance to talk to IC and won't be able to until next Friday so I was getting really anxious
d) now he can help me move


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, November 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good news! What a relief!


I myself am a bit nervous as I am going out of town to see my best friend and leaving my WH alone. This will be the first time he will be likely "going out" with his buddy since this happened. (buddy had no involvement in this and flat out stated to me thatmy WH is a damn fool for doing what he did). Even though his buddy is a friend of the marriage, it still is hard to not be anxious. However, the more successes we have, the easier it will get and more trust it will build.

Good luck with your move and keep us posted.


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, November 6th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So he left last night, I told him that I needed him to text me frequently throughout the time he was gone. That's essentially all I asked for.
I was at work last night and I kept my phone with me which I usually don't do but I wanted to get my messages of reassurance. The night went by with no messages. Near the end of my shift I texted him. He replied. Later that night I ended up having to text him again and again I contacted him on IM. We were talking on IM which was good but then he just disappeared. Which was a major trigger within my already trigger-iness.

On the night of the ons he left IM saying he had to go get gas, which I believe. But then he got the invitation to go to a friends and never came back or let me know not to hang around waiting to finish our conversation. So while I still don't really think he did anything, I'm devastated again by his failure to do the one thing I asked. I may tell him I need a few days to work things out with myself, I didn't sleep at all last night because I was plagued by mind movies.

Hurting, I hope your WH does better while you're gone


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, November 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes, they can be so stupid. I am so sorry . Have you talked to him about it? I know you need time but you need answers too before you decide anything. My experience with my H has been that I really had to spell out to him the trigger connections. They just dont see it the way we do because they have not been hurt to the magnitude we have. Try your best to communicate your hurt and anger to him (as calmly as you can) and detail for him the connection you made with the IM and that night. Like I have complained before, sometimes they need a freakin road map.

I ended up not going out of town, it would be 8 hours in the car there and back and I was honestly not up to it.

However , my H ended up not going to his thing with his best friend that night he had planned because I blew up about a misunderstanding about who all was going that night at his outing. Had I listened and let him finish, I would of realized that there was a perfectly rational explanation. It was dumb and all my fault. I felt horrible when he ended up not going at all. He said to me that I dont realize how much I impact him emotionally. There was no way he was going to enjoy himself knowing I was upset about him going. It touched me but I had to resist the urge to make nasty ass comment to say back "Yeah well apparantly this is a new found thing because how I felt did not cross your mind when you were f___ that whore". I didnt say it but I thought it.

Anyway, talk to him, get his side and where he is coming from. You will be able to tell if its all excuses or something else.

Keep your chin up!


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, November 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He ended up staying Saturday night as well. We didn't talk much, he sent me too few texts and I was too busy to have time to get emotional by responding to them. I sent him an email which I think probably took up the greater portion of his phone's data plan this month. I almost as much time editing the email as I did writing it. I believe at the end it was written as calmly as possible while still conveying the truth to everything I was feeling. We talked through texts for about an hour and a half and I'm hoping to continue it better in person when we see each other next.

I do believe that he was just being stupidly distracted to text me and that nothing was going on. He essentially gave me a play by play of the night and said that he felt it would be rude if he spent all night texting when he was with people he was meeting for the first time and others he hadn't seen for a while. Which sort of makes sense but doesn't mean I didn't want to punch him.

I haven't really been able to give him any warning for triggers because I find new ones all the time and older ones wont affect me the same way. I think it's almost as dependent on my mood as it is on the actual trigger. Him leaving me on IM, while could have been predicted, hadn't happened since dday so it would weird to say "by the way, never leave me on IM because it will end badly"

I'm sorry you had a rough weekend as well. I'm glad that your H was able to explain to you how much your feelings affect him. And good job resisting the comment, I try really hard to resist those to, they don't accomplish anything really. Hopefully next weekend goes better for all of us.


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
Trusted To Much
♀ New Member
Member # 30022
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, November 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Several other member have directed me to this thread. I felt I had no one to connect with because my WH cheated with a hooker. Twice. Once in April. Once in Sept. My H was diagnosed with prostate cancer in March 2010. We were not having much sex during the last couple of years. Almost none. WH met hooker at a weekly guy get together that he sometimes attends. Hooker there as someone elses guest. WH asked for her number. Met with her week later. Then again 3 weeks before his surgery to remove his prostate. Which, thank God, was very successful. I found out the day after is surgery when checking his phone for calls to return. Hooker texted him. WH lied at first then admitted all. I think. I am still asking questions. WH said he just wanted sex before his surgery. Part of me understands that. I wasn't really there for him. WH is very remorseful now. At first admission said I drove him to it. I'm not yet sure how to feel on this. I do love him. I know he loves me. But...he lied about alot and he betrayed me. I always thought this was a deal breaker for me. I definately need others thoughts on this.


Me: 55
WH: 65
Married 15 yrs
D-day 10-27-10
3 grown children
R-trying. MC. One day at a time.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: New York
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, November 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trusted to much,

I have to run but wanted to greet you and say hello but sorry you too have to be here. I know there are some gals here that whose WS had encounters with paid OW and will be able to speak much better to your situation than I.

I just want to offer my support. More later.


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, November 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((TTM))
Don't get discouraged at the lack of response, our thread isn't the most active one on here. I also thought A would be a deal breaker, but that was always hypothetical, you never expect it to actually happen to you. It's a lot harder when you have emotions and you really care about the WS.

I often find it hard to relate to other threads as well and sometimes I'm harder on myself because it wasn't something that lasted and had emotions attached to it so "why am I dwelling so long". Someone on here mentioned that their IC reminded them it's the actual betrayal that hurts the most, the act itself doesn't matter as much. (My wording is off on that, I'm not mitigating the action, I'm just saying that it doesn't matter whether it's a LTA or an ONS, it hurts and takes a long time to get through).


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
Trusted To Much
♀ New Member
Member # 30022
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, November 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((tsol25))
Thank you.....I appreciate the response.. this just sucks doesn't it. Take care of you.


Me: 55
WH: 65
Married 15 yrs
D-day 10-27-10
3 grown children
R-trying. MC. One day at a time.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: New York
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, November 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TTM, I just re-read your post and I noticed that part where WS said you drove him to A. Please understand that this is not the case, A had nothing to do with you. I am glad he is being more remorseful know and I hope he is answering all of your questions.

I am 2 months out and I still ask questions all the time. For me at the beginning I asked the bare minimum because I couldn't handle anything else. In October I went into a sort of denial/illusion state where I thought everything was almost ok. I was on here and everyone said 2-5 years and I couldn't believe it because I was doing really well. These last few weeks have really hit me hard. I've been searching answers for much more detailed questions, triggering more and all the fun that comes with this path.

Anyways I'm so far past tired I don't think half of what I typed was relevant but I hope it helps a little. I also hope you are doing as well as can be


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, November 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TTM, my husband also cheated on me with a hooker. Wow, that's a special kind of stupid, isn't it? I'm really sorry you're going through this. It took me a while to be able to respond because I got really upset when I saw that you said that he blamed you at first. I truly hope he has apologized thoroughly for that. You also said that you weren't there for him - that may or may not be true, but it is not your fault, at all. Maybe you guys didn't have an active sex life, but calling up a whore was NOT the right way to deal with it. There were 100 other more productive ways he could have dealt with that issue. Sounds to me like GUILT talking.

I always thought it was a dealbreaker for me too. No mitigating circumstances allowed. Any infidelity, I was done, out of there. That's easy to say until you're actually in the situation, you know? It's infinitely more complicated when it's your own life you're talking about . . . not a hypothetical.

I just read your profile - only eight days out. Wow, I'm so sorry. I imagine you're not eating or sleeping well. Try to eat something even if you don't want it, drink water. Have you considered marriage counseling? For us it's a Godsend.

((HUGS)) please feel free to PM me if you want or post back here. I'm sorry you're going through this.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6149 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, November 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This isn't really ons specific but I think most of my story is on this thread. I haven't seen wbf since last weekend because we've had very conflicting work/school schedules. I've spent the week trying to work on things alone but I woke up today really anxious about finally seeing him. It's been a while and I want to have a good night but I KNOW I need to talk to him about the weekend and the new questions I have and that will lead to a less wonderful night. I'm worried I'm going to chicken out, afraid of upsetting us both.
*sigh...*


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, November 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@trusted too much

I think we all can relate to the "deal breaker" position. Most will say they never thought in a million years that they would entertain the thought of staying after any betrayal. The story is just so different when you look at it through your own eyes. The life you built with this person, the memories and hardships you have shared. Its not so easy to throw it all away.

I would encourage you to not make any decision just yet. You need to cope with the shock and grief first to be in a place to even begin to decide. Its too critical of a decision to make so soon after D day.


First and foremost, take care of yourself. Find a trusted ear if you WH is not willing to discuss this with you. I too, strongly recommend IC for starters to get yourself back on track. You need to turn inward and heal from the hurt he has caused you. Eat when you can, drink alot of water if you cant seem to eat. I hate to say this but I would insist he get tested for STDS and see the results (even if he claims he used protection), I would also get yourself tested.

It sounds like your WH is still in the fog when it comes to owning his shit on what he did. You very well may be getting TT (trickle truths)and it sounds like you already suspect lies and denial of the complete truth.

What does he say about the marriage? Does he want to stay? I would then insist on full disclosure from him, including transparency in email accounts, text msgs, passwords etc...

If he truely wants to rebuild, he should be willing to take some of these steps for you.


This website is a great place for support both on the ONS thread and the just found out thread for your circumstances. Lots of valueable information here.

Hugs to you....


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
Trusted To Much
♀ New Member
Member # 30022
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, November 12th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just keep asking "why a hooker"? And lovely WH says "would you rather I had an affair with someone"? Like it's an either or question! Btw..took all advices and have been tested, as well as WH, for STDs. Boy I never thought I would be here. Pretty Woman was on tv tonite and i had to change the channel! I have been practicing the 180 which helps me, and see IC. She helps alot. I know its not my fault. I know it has nothing to do with me. But it does have something to do with me! WH gambled him W and family. I don't get it. Just don't get it.


Me: 55
WH: 65
Married 15 yrs
D-day 10-27-10
3 grown children
R-trying. MC. One day at a time.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: New York
Trusted To Much
♀ New Member
Member # 30022
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, November 13th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(Hurting38) Yes, WH desperately wants to stay/save the M. WH seems to be very remorseful. I say "seems" because I don't know what to believe anymore. He has lied to me so many times before, so I obviously can't detect lies. I don't lie to him, so I thought he wasn't lying to me. Idiot. Have ansked numerous questions and he has been forthcoming. I think. Thats the problem, I have no way to know for sure. I don't want to live the rest of my life checking his cell,checking emails, tensing up when his phone rings or asking him where he's going or been constantly. I refuse to do that to myself. Its only be 16 dyas since d-day so I realize how new this is. It hurts like hell. Then I look at the circumstances of the situation and do feel I have a part in it. I know I want to save my M but I don't know if I can get far enough past the "movie" to do anything about it. One day at a time. And I am taking care of myself I promise. Wonderful advice and insights you have. You are a blessing, and I wish you hadnt gone through this yourself. This SI site and the SIrs are what's kept me "somewhat" sane!! lol


Me: 55
WH: 65
Married 15 yrs
D-day 10-27-10
3 grown children
R-trying. MC. One day at a time.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: New York
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, November 14th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And lovely WH says "would you rather I had an affair with someone"? Like it's an either or question

I am sincerely sorry you experienced such an insensitive comment. My heart goes out to you. Like he did you a favor for not having a "normal" affair.

He has lied to me so many times before, so I obviously can't detect lies. I don't lie to him, so I thought he wasn't lying to me. Idiot

There is nothing idiotic about trusting the man you promised yourself to for the rest of your life. There is no shame in that. Dont beat yourself up. Your world has been turned upside down, so its really common to not trust your instincts about anything. My WH never lied about one element of his ONS, but I still couldnt trust my abilities to determine the that it was the truth. Time, alot of repeat questioning, and verifiying through his openess helped me get there. Once you feel the ground beneath you again, you will slowly start building back confidence in your judgement. His openess will be vital for you right now. If you have not already, speak with your IC about the lies and building a plan to lay out to your husband about what you need and what the consequences will be if your needs are not met in order to start building back that trust.

I get what you say when you comment that you dont want to be constantly checking up on him, its no way to live in a marriage. Look at it as trying to catch him being good......every time there is nothing there , it reinforces that he is trying to re-commit himself to the M. It does not have to be a forever thing, but hopefully it brings you some assurance that he is honoring his word this time.

The movies are horrifying but I promise THEY WILL FADE. I really feel for you, those were the worse for me. It still pops in my mind , but I can control them much better 4 months out. Your body is responding very normally to all of this, very similar to experiencing a traumatic event (PTSD symptoms). My counselor told me visualize a big red stop sign when they popped into my head. I literally would talk to myself and start scolding myself....Stop right there, you are not going to go down this road, it will not help. Stop it ,stop it, stop it (and i would be shaking my head ,like to shake them out of there). Thank goodness no one saw me, I am sure i looked like a crazy person. It worked better then I thought it would . I hesitate to say this but here it goes....for me....I am going to stress that part.....for me....I HAD to have the details. The story I created in my head was much worse(or a better term would be more glorified) than the reality of the situation. Once I got the details, I was able to fill in the blanks with truth, suffer through the replay and move on more quickly. It made it so there was no longer any secret time between my WH and OW. It was out in the open and exposed for what it really was. That is NOT for everyone and I really caution you to think about if you want the details as they can do more harm than good for some. In addition, I had a WH that was being completely truthful so I did not have the fear of TT or out right lying which could utimately derail this method.

I hope some of my ramblings here help. Know that I am thinking about you and am sending good thoughts your way.


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, November 14th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tsol,

How did it go? Did you talk to him?


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, November 15th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wbf also never lied about any aspect of what he did. That doesn't mean I trust him. I lost the trust because he lied about our relationship and the values we had within it. I'm conflicted because he gave me a promise ring years ago. He broke that promise so I don't want to wear it but at the same time it reminds me that he does care even if he is lost right now -so now it's a necklace, there to remind me and try not to hurt me. Trust is something that is hard to earn and even harder to re-establish once it's been broken. Only the people that you care most about have the ability to destroy your trust this thoroughly and efficiently. I'm assuming, because I'm not that far to have learned from experience, that with time he will be able to show the he is trustworthy. With the proof that he gives, eventually you will be able to sincerely say "have fun tonight" without wanting to add a comment about keeping his pants on.

I can tell you after a month and of denial the movies came back with a vengeance, as if they had been brewing. The weekend he was gone was the absolute worst. It was like watching avatar in imax 3D. At this point they have leveled off a little bit again, I can push them into the background. This has led me to decide that I'm ready for more details, which kind of scares me a little bit but I don't think it's anything worse than I have "seen".

I did talk to him Thursday night and I got to see my IC first which helped. One of the things I really like about my IC is that she is much more similar to my wbf personality-wise. She's much clearer and open with her thoughts so I feel I can get his perspective of a situation from her. The downside is, when I really want her to agree with me but explains something in a completely logical wbf friendly way. Then I just get poutey


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
Revkwd
♀ Member
Member # 4933
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, November 15th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't posted here since the first page of this thread.Maybe, I shouldn't be reading here again. I guess I fit in something like a serial cheater thread and one who stopped. He had about 9 ONS in midday! with 5 different c$%#@s. Acceptance is so hard. I still think about it daily, if even for a moment and when I take a look at SI. And I know, what you focus on expands.


kwd

Posts: 218 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: DC area
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