tsol, good luck - ((hugs))
I myself am a bit nervous as I am going out of town to see my best friend and leaving my WH alone. This will be the first time he will be likely "going out" with his buddy since this happened. (buddy had no involvement in this and flat out stated to me thatmy WH is a damn fool for doing what he did). Even though his buddy is a friend of the marriage, it still is hard to not be anxious. However, the more successes we have, the easier it will get and more trust it will build.
Good luck with your move and keep us posted.
On the night of the ons he left IM saying he had to go get gas, which I believe. But then he got the invitation to go to a friends and never came back or let me know not to hang around waiting to finish our conversation. So while I still don't really think he did anything, I'm devastated again by his failure to do the one thing I asked. I may tell him I need a few days to work things out with myself, I didn't sleep at all last night because I was plagued by mind movies.
Hurting, I hope your WH does better while you're gone
I ended up not going out of town, it would be 8 hours in the car there and back and I was honestly not up to it.
However , my H ended up not going to his thing with his best friend that night he had planned because I blew up about a misunderstanding about who all was going that night at his outing. Had I listened and let him finish, I would of realized that there was a perfectly rational explanation. It was dumb and all my fault. I felt horrible when he ended up not going at all. He said to me that I dont realize how much I impact him emotionally. There was no way he was going to enjoy himself knowing I was upset about him going. It touched me but I had to resist the urge to make nasty ass comment to say back "Yeah well apparantly this is a new found thing because how I felt did not cross your mind when you were f___ that whore". I didnt say it but I thought it.
Anyway, talk to him, get his side and where he is coming from. You will be able to tell if its all excuses or something else.
Keep your chin up!
I do believe that he was just being stupidly distracted to text me and that nothing was going on. He essentially gave me a play by play of the night and said that he felt it would be rude if he spent all night texting when he was with people he was meeting for the first time and others he hadn't seen for a while. Which sort of makes sense but doesn't mean I didn't want to punch him.
I haven't really been able to give him any warning for triggers because I find new ones all the time and older ones wont affect me the same way. I think it's almost as dependent on my mood as it is on the actual trigger. Him leaving me on IM, while could have been predicted, hadn't happened since dday so it would weird to say "by the way, never leave me on IM because it will end badly"
I'm sorry you had a rough weekend as well. I'm glad that your H was able to explain to you how much your feelings affect him. And good job resisting the comment, I try really hard to resist those to, they don't accomplish anything really. Hopefully next weekend goes better for all of us.
I have to run but wanted to greet you and say hello but sorry you too have to be here. I know there are some gals here that whose WS had encounters with paid OW and will be able to speak much better to your situation than I.
I just want to offer my support. More later.
I often find it hard to relate to other threads as well and sometimes I'm harder on myself because it wasn't something that lasted and had emotions attached to it so "why am I dwelling so long". Someone on here mentioned that their IC reminded them it's the actual betrayal that hurts the most, the act itself doesn't matter as much. (My wording is off on that, I'm not mitigating the action, I'm just saying that it doesn't matter whether it's a LTA or an ONS, it hurts and takes a long time to get through).
I am 2 months out and I still ask questions all the time. For me at the beginning I asked the bare minimum because I couldn't handle anything else. In October I went into a sort of denial/illusion state where I thought everything was almost ok. I was on here and everyone said 2-5 years and I couldn't believe it because I was doing really well. These last few weeks have really hit me hard. I've been searching answers for much more detailed questions, triggering more and all the fun that comes with this path.
Anyways I'm so far past tired I don't think half of what I typed was relevant but I hope it helps a little. I also hope you are doing as well as can be
I always thought it was a dealbreaker for me too. No mitigating circumstances allowed. Any infidelity, I was done, out of there. That's easy to say until you're actually in the situation, you know? It's infinitely more complicated when it's your own life you're talking about . . . not a hypothetical.
I just read your profile - only eight days out. Wow, I'm so sorry. I imagine you're not eating or sleeping well. Try to eat something even if you don't want it, drink water. Have you considered marriage counseling? For us it's a Godsend.
((HUGS)) please feel free to PM me if you want or post back here. I'm sorry you're going through this.
I think we all can relate to the "deal breaker" position. Most will say they never thought in a million years that they would entertain the thought of staying after any betrayal. The story is just so different when you look at it through your own eyes. The life you built with this person, the memories and hardships you have shared. Its not so easy to throw it all away.
I would encourage you to not make any decision just yet. You need to cope with the shock and grief first to be in a place to even begin to decide. Its too critical of a decision to make so soon after D day.
First and foremost, take care of yourself. Find a trusted ear if you WH is not willing to discuss this with you. I too, strongly recommend IC for starters to get yourself back on track. You need to turn inward and heal from the hurt he has caused you. Eat when you can, drink alot of water if you cant seem to eat. I hate to say this but I would insist he get tested for STDS and see the results (even if he claims he used protection), I would also get yourself tested.
It sounds like your WH is still in the fog when it comes to owning his shit on what he did. You very well may be getting TT (trickle truths)and it sounds like you already suspect lies and denial of the complete truth.
What does he say about the marriage? Does he want to stay? I would then insist on full disclosure from him, including transparency in email accounts, text msgs, passwords etc...
If he truely wants to rebuild, he should be willing to take some of these steps for you.
This website is a great place for support both on the ONS thread and the just found out thread for your circumstances. Lots of valueable information here.
Hugs to you....
And lovely WH says "would you rather I had an affair with someone"? Like it's an either or question
I am sincerely sorry you experienced such an insensitive comment. My heart goes out to you. Like he did you a favor for not having a "normal" affair.
He has lied to me so many times before, so I obviously can't detect lies. I don't lie to him, so I thought he wasn't lying to me. Idiot
There is nothing idiotic about trusting the man you promised yourself to for the rest of your life. There is no shame in that. Dont beat yourself up. Your world has been turned upside down, so its really common to not trust your instincts about anything. My WH never lied about one element of his ONS, but I still couldnt trust my abilities to determine the that it was the truth. Time, alot of repeat questioning, and verifiying through his openess helped me get there. Once you feel the ground beneath you again, you will slowly start building back confidence in your judgement. His openess will be vital for you right now. If you have not already, speak with your IC about the lies and building a plan to lay out to your husband about what you need and what the consequences will be if your needs are not met in order to start building back that trust.
I get what you say when you comment that you dont want to be constantly checking up on him, its no way to live in a marriage. Look at it as trying to catch him being good......every time there is nothing there , it reinforces that he is trying to re-commit himself to the M. It does not have to be a forever thing, but hopefully it brings you some assurance that he is honoring his word this time.
The movies are horrifying but I promise THEY WILL FADE. I really feel for you, those were the worse for me. It still pops in my mind , but I can control them much better 4 months out. Your body is responding very normally to all of this, very similar to experiencing a traumatic event (PTSD symptoms). My counselor told me visualize a big red stop sign when they popped into my head. I literally would talk to myself and start scolding myself....Stop right there, you are not going to go down this road, it will not help. Stop it ,stop it, stop it (and i would be shaking my head ,like to shake them out of there). Thank goodness no one saw me, I am sure i looked like a crazy person. It worked better then I thought it would . I hesitate to say this but here it goes....for me....I am going to stress that part.....for me....I HAD to have the details. The story I created in my head was much worse(or a better term would be more glorified) than the reality of the situation. Once I got the details, I was able to fill in the blanks with truth, suffer through the replay and move on more quickly. It made it so there was no longer any secret time between my WH and OW. It was out in the open and exposed for what it really was. That is NOT for everyone and I really caution you to think about if you want the details as they can do more harm than good for some. In addition, I had a WH that was being completely truthful so I did not have the fear of TT or out right lying which could utimately derail this method.
I hope some of my ramblings here help. Know that I am thinking about you and am sending good thoughts your way.
How did it go? Did you talk to him?
I can tell you after a month and of denial the movies came back with a vengeance, as if they had been brewing. The weekend he was gone was the absolute worst. It was like watching avatar in imax 3D. At this point they have leveled off a little bit again, I can push them into the background. This has led me to decide that I'm ready for more details, which kind of scares me a little bit but I don't think it's anything worse than I have "seen".
I did talk to him Thursday night and I got to see my IC first which helped. One of the things I really like about my IC is that she is much more similar to my wbf personality-wise. She's much clearer and open with her thoughts so I feel I can get his perspective of a situation from her. The downside is, when I really want her to agree with me but explains something in a completely logical wbf friendly way. Then I just get poutey