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User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread - II
rugsatwork
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Member # 29057
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, December 1st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am new to this thread. My WH had a ONS then went looking for another two weeks later because the first time was so easy. Married 29 years. WH keeps saying to me well at least there is no OW or long term affair that happened. I do not care, the pain is the same. But since it was "just one night" WH thinks I should cut him some slack. Wow. Did the cow jump over the moon too?

Posts: 264 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: MN
tsol25
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Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, December 1st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes I think that wbf thinks it's not as big of a deal because it was a ons and "nothing more" now he wouldn't dare say that but I'm pretty sure it's crossed his mind. Tonight I'm attempting to get the courage to talk about stuff and I'm going to ...bring up the cell/email thing but I'm not sure if I will ask for it. It will depend on if he responds appropriately to my questions. Thanks for the advice hurting and welcome to our thread rugsatwork hope we can help if you need it


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
JanaGreen
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Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, December 1st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rugs, his attitude is all wrong. Cut him some slack? A broken vow is a broken vow. Would he cut you some slack if you screwed some other man? And he went looking for another one? Wow. Talk about a lack of remorse. My God. I'm so sorry. I wouldn't cut him ANY slack. Are you guys in counseling?


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6149 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
tsol25
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Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, December 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now that I'm not attempting to read on my tiny blackberry screen I definitely agree with Jana. It's less about the specific act and more about the betrayal. How does it count that there is no ow?? Did he sleep with a lamp shade? OW = woman that is not you that he had sex with. I think he might deserve the 180 bat or at least the 180 treatment


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, December 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rugsatwork,

I completely agree with tsol and jana. He is not owning his s___t here and is showing no remorse. He is minimizing his behavior, very typical from what I have seen on these threads. I agree with tsol, I would be 180ing his butt until he comes out of this fog. I also recommend getting you guys into some counseling if you have not already. If he refuses, consider some for yourself, he may end up joining you in the end especially if the 180 techniques begin to work. If he doesn't come to see the what he did is wrong, and the pain it caused you, the chance is very high it will happen again. True remorse has to come from the WS before R can begin.

Dont let him try and minimize your pain. A betrayal happened here and it still cuts to the core. It is not the quality, length or quantity of the event that matters, it was the intent. When the choice was made to cheat, the betrayal happened regardless of the outcome.

I think everyone of us here (see earlier posts on this thread) have mentioned in some form or another feeling like we should not be hurting so much because of the lack of a LTA. Its a common feeling, so you are not alone if you kinda feel that way too. We are blessed, if you want to call it that, because we do not have to deal with the emotional baggage that comes along with EA's or LTA's but the pain is still very valid.

I saw the ONS date but not sure when D-day was for you, whether it was recent or not? Keep posting here and the other threads, take care of yourself and check out the 180 information. I think it would be really helpful for you in this situation. Sending hugs to you your way.


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
rugsatwork
♀ Member
Member # 29057
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, December 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The ONS that I found out about was just the beginning of the fallout. Found out about another bar slut he tried to pick up 2 weeks later since it was "so easy" the first time. Then, becasue the second try said no to the first night of sex, he texted sexual message to her, then said "I did nothing wrong", since he did not touch #2 that night. And after that the discovery of why did you do it? Because I was on my way out of the relationship anyway. I have been unhappy for years. My marriage made me do it. So my WH ONS turned out to be a whole lot more that a one nighter. A list of single man behaviors and he just got lucky the night in Orlando. The Slut wanted some sex of her own that night. Vultures....they are out there. And I am so glad with myself that I hold my standards higher than he and his ONS SLUT.

This was so out of character for WH I knew, just knew that there has to be more than one night.


Posts: 264 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: MN
tsol25
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Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((rugsatwork))
I'm really sorry this is continuing. I had a bad trigger tonight and I'm a little shaken so my advice may be a little off.

180. Generally I don't think 180 applies so much for ons (I still think it's considered a ons-type a since as far as I understand he is only with each ow once) But he's definitely living in his own little Disney world. So I think the 180 could help you. I created a modified 180 plan for myself because I knew that R was the goal and he was doing well. So when you read it, if there are parts that just don't make sense to your situation I think it's ok to omit them.

If he still thinks he hasn't done anything wrong I would ship him off to IC and drag him to MC.

I'm really sorry you are going through all of this. Keep us posted on how things are going

eta: Have you laid down your boundaries? A written list, and maybe tape it to his face? I'm not suggesting any reasonable person could think this behaviour is ok, but in..jfo I think they have a post about setting good boundaries where you follow up with
if you...
I will...
maybe if he hears some harsh consequences he will come back to Earth

[This message edited by tsol25 at 12:25 AM, December 14th (Tuesday)]


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
JanaGreen
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Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh no rugs.

See, I would think of a ONS as one aberration. If he did it once and tried to do it again, deliberately, with malice aforethought as the saying goes, then I would call it tomcatting. He's a married man who's trying to tomcat around. That's horseshit! The fact that he's utterly remorseless infuriates me! He deserves no slack! In fact I think in some ways what he's doing is WORSE than an affair, because it's not like he's in some fog having feelings for some woman. These are cold, calculated actions, just trying to get laid! I'm sorry to rant but it gets me so MAD! It's so unfair to you.

tsol ((hugs)) I'm sorry you're having a rough time. Thanks for your support today, I really appreciate it. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you - and that your bf comes through and helps you feel better.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6149 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
tsol25
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Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He was there for me and apologized and gave me a hug. I would score him an 85% so he's learning. I think he might even be reading the posts I've printed off for him (slowly) esp. Things every WS should know (or something). But I do feel a little better today so far.

How about you? Any advances on your front? Is WS handling things better?


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tsol, I'm just kind of trying to detach. I'm not really trying to be distant, I'm just not going to ask him for anything right now because I'm not getting the things I ask for. For some reason, he cannot meet my need for verbal affirmation and he cannot handle my angry outbursts regarding this situation. I mean, if we think about it, we're four months out from when he told me, but the first three months were spent with ME supporting HIM due to the fact that he was freaking out thinking he caught some dread disease from this whore. My healing was put on the shelf. So I really haven't had a chance to work on ME because I've been supporting him. And my anger is too much for him to handle? At this point? I'm incredibly bothered by this. I'm waiting until MC to bring this up, because I want a mediator, and I don't want to have this conversation at home when my daughter is awake, or at night after I'm exhausted from what has become a nightly epic battle to get her to sleep.

Sigh.

85% is pretty good. That's a B. I'm glad he's learning.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6149 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
painpaingoaway
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Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jana,

in some ways what he's doing is WORSE than an affair, because it's not like he's in some fog having feelings for some woman. These are cold, calculated actions, just trying to get laid!

That really hit home with me...sometimes I feel exactly the same way.

And,

I mean, if we think about it, we're four months out from when he told me, but the first three months were spent with ME supporting HIM due to the fact that he was freaking out thinking he caught some dread disease from this whore. My healing was put on the shelf. So I really haven't had a chance to work on ME because I've been supporting him. And my anger is too much for him to handle? At this point? I'm incredibly bothered by this.

I absolutely sympathize with 'your healing being put on the shelf'. I feel the same way, but for a different reason. Since my son's problems have pretty much taken over our lives since this past May, I feel like my healing came to a standstill because our attention was diverted to our son (see my profile) .

My H is having a horrible time handling my sons suicide attempt, and he cries all the time, and I feel I have to comfort him on top of all our other problems...even after what H has done to me, STD and all, I still can not bear to see a person in pain, and I always attempt to help and comfort regardless...and I RESENT it.

I'm suffering with the excruciating pain of my son's problems in addition to the pain of my H's betrayal of me, YET I'm the one comforting EVERYBODY!


me BS female 55/him WS 58
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 6763 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I always attempt to help and comfort regardless...and I RESENT it.

I so feel you. I resented it while I was doing it, but I did it anyway. We do that because that's who we are.

I remember reading about your son. I hope he's doing well. That was such a scary story! ((hugs))


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6149 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Muchstrongernow
Member
Member # 30169
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

D day or date of ONS?

The date of ONS(xmas) through the date I found out.

For me its not 1 date it's 3months. Beginning the day after Damn christmas. That was the time when I knew something was not right with him.
Confirmation was hell but the 3 months trying to figure out what was wrong with him was scary. I even had him make a dr. appointment to have his blood tested cause I was so worried about him....

His brother had been recovering from cancer so I worried he may next

He was suffering from a guilty conscious that was literally making him sick, hmmmm go figure.


hard work pays off.... so does the emotional hard work.... happy me.... worry less, do more

Posts: 165 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: a good place
JanaGreen
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Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He was suffering from a guilty conscious that was literally making him sick, hmmmm go figure.

Yep, we had that in spades in my house. Before and after he told me. Refused to believe it was guilt. Thought he was dying. STILL isn't convinced that he doesn't have SOMETHING.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6149 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
hurting38
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Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rugs,

I ditto absolutely everything Jana said in regards to your situation. I also PM'd you. Honey here comes a tough 2x4 here....if his behavior does not change, he is going to do this again, its a matter of time. You have some decisions to make here about how you want to live your life and where the line in the sand is for you.

((Jana)) ((tsol)), I am sorry its been rough for you two lately. For what its worth, I have faith your your WH/WB and both your situations are going to work out for the best. None of this is easy territory and we are all fumbling through this as best we can. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you guys.

[This message edited by hurting38 at 4:50 PM, December 14th (Tuesday)]


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
JanaGreen
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Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you hurting. It always makes me feel better to hear SIers say that. You guys who have BTDT are lifesavers.

This thread is getting a lot of action today!


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6149 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
tsol25
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Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread is getting a lot of action today!

I usually scroll down to my last message when re-checking a thread and read from there. In our ONS thread it's usually one message after mine today I was like And that helps me a lot. I hate that there are issues that lead us to have action on our thread, but at the same time I like it because I really do relate better here. I join in in Gen and Recon but there's so many different issues.

Jana
I think you ws is probably having troubles realizing how much he has to do and is probably overwhelmed. In the beginning when you were doing all of the work he would think about it and say "hey this isn't so hard after all". Little did he know he was missing all of his steps. Don't let him minimize your emotions you are 100% reasonable to feel them and he has to suck it up and deal with it. If you weren't an angry person before this some of your reactions may come as a shock to him. (When I first called ow Whoreface his jaw almost dropped off because I just don't say that kind of thing, I say nice words like princess and kitten) and he may have more trouble accepting that it's his fault that you are feeling this way. BUT. HE needs to work through his issues on that and suck it up. I think you are totally right in detaching. Do whatever version of the 180 you think will help you. Maybe when he sees what a wonderful person you are and always have been he will step up to the plate.
I hope you and your DD are doing well and that your H figures out which way his head goes on

PPGA

in some ways what he's doing is WORSE than an affair, because it's not like he's in some fog having feelings for some woman. These are cold, calculated actions, just trying to get laid!

When I first heard that R takes an average of 2-5 years I almost dropped dead. There is no way I'm signing up to feel this way for 2-5 YEARS. Of course then everyone says it gets better and its not like "hell...hell...hell-happyland" I told wbf but then told him because it wasn't an EA or LTA I figured it wouldn't take that long. But that was a lie. I do believe that it could take 2 years for a ons. It has everything to do with what he does from now on. But this is the part that really kills me. That you threw away EVERYTHING that we had (We did not have a bad relationship, we rarely argued, we were happy. Sure we had disagreements on things but we would work them out) for NOTHING. He said that he doesn't and didn't find her attractive. He didn't know enough about her personality to like her, all he got was that she was a horny drunk [inserted by tsol "whoreface"]. He just forgot to think, decided to be an idiot and took his pants off. Half an hour was worth 5 years of relationship. Half an hour was worth risking our entire future. And you can't even say that at that time you felt one good thing about her? It was just like "oh look, horny drunk [insert "whoreface"] wants to have sex with me. I'm in a relati...shiny. Oops my pants fell off and I proceeded to have what I will call meaningless sex with her" it wasn't even good sex he risked all of this for....It makes my brian sore. 0 + 0 = Don't have sex with whores.
Got a little carried away there

Hurting,
Thanks for saying that, I just reread the lines after my little vent and I do feel a little better

Rugs
I have to second/third what hurting and jana said. If this is going to continue is it really worth it. Do you really want to have your heartbroken over and over again? You have to show him that you won't stand for his behaviour because it is so unfair for you. I'm out of my experience zone but if I were you I would be (1) demanding NC with any ow or potential ow (2) 180 (3) demanding he go to IC and MC if he wants a chance.
Remember you don't have to stick with a decision and he should know that if you have said you want to R, it is exactly that. You WANT to R but you can accept not R-ing if he's not doing his part

(((to all))))


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
peacelovetea
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Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tsol, that idea of "for nothing" is still something I struggle with. If he could be so stupid as to throw away all our years, GOOD years, for "nothing" what the hell does that mean? How the hell am I ever supposed to trust again? Cause seriously, how DUMB do you have to BE?

rugs, I agree, hold his feet to the fire. Drunken and stupid is one thing, purposefully seeking it out is another, even if it only happened once.

Jana, for what its worth -- I wish I was harder on him in the beginning. Fuck comfort, fuck being nice. I shoulda put my bitch shoes on early and often, and showed him he wasn't going to get away with it. I didn't, because I wanted to keep things normal for the kids so maybe they would never know. But I think I did myself a major disservice. I wish now I had kicked him out if only for a few weeks. Your mileage may vary, of course, but the sooner you take your power back the sooner you will know if he will get his head out of his ass or not, and make decisions from there. I hit the anger stage about 6 months in and I am not sure I've left it yet at 18 months.


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PLT
drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless

Take out drunken (because he can't even claim that as his reason for his stupid poor judgement -does that even work? Calling this poor judgement) and business trip and that is my wbf.

ONS, confessed immediately, transparent and emotionally clueless.
This is why after almost 4 months I'm beginning to consider mc.

Having never been a mean (vindictive maybe a little) person I was, am very easy on wbf. I don't intentionally hide my feelings from him, i do it subconsciously. I never yelled at him, yet.... and I only left for a few days. I think I should have made it harder on him. I find it harder now to turn and make it harder after cushioning everything for him.

I'm beginning to think that I'm an early bloomer in the anger department. I'm tossing and turning between sad and mad so quickly I can't see it but if you see vent above, that's not my normal demeanor at all. To me I think it's like the pot on the stove has been turned on low and the water is lightly simmering...yes I did compare myself to a pot of water. water-tears, maybe I'll make a stop in the bat-shit-crazy phase before the anger stage


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say nice words like princess and kitten)

Oh my stars tsol, this made me laugh out loud!


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6149 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
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