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User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread - II
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, January 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The difference should be how you feel about him. Underneath all the negative A related feelings there should be more than a roommate feeling. At the end of this stressful year + do you see better times for the M?

I like being here because you guys always call me out and make me think. Yes, once school is done, if we can survive until then, I do believe there will be better days. I am just concerned something will die between now and then. The fact is that I dont feel like just a roomate with him and I dont believe he does either. I just think the recent events have taken such a toll on me emotionally I keep wanting to "check out" mentally and emotionally from all of this.

However whenever I get close to the edge wbf starts being great again. It makes me dizzy. Choose one side and stick with it so I can preserve some of my sanity. It is lonely and the A makes you feel isolated. Not having time together sucks
!

It is precisely this that drives me to the point of wanting to check out. I am one for consistancy. I always use to exude it, and I never put up with a lack of it for an extended time in my life. Now it seems its all I know.


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, January 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is wh expected to have as long of a course load for the rest of his program? Does it lighten up at all before the end?

I am just concerned something will die between now and then.

This fear is the one that keeps telling me to live with wbf. Because it's so much worse when we are apart. Obviously if we lived together it would be easier right? Probably not. We were pretty set on moving in together this year before this but now I feel it's not as appropriate. But then when I get down because I never see him I blame myself a little. Vicious circle.

The recent events I would definitely expect to take a toll. But if you can remember that you WERE feeling better a few months ago, it might help to realize that you can get better. Any word from wh and drinking plans for the future?? Or hopefully a lack of.

Consistency is my favorite. If the roller coaster could go up on Mondays, down Tuesday to Thursday and then back up every week I would be dandy. It's the all over the place that makes it crazy. And then wbf goes and lacks consistency (never been his forte, he's more of a go with the wind type) and things fall apart.

On a side not the e-counselling is good but I get confused a lot because it's sort of like a private forum. Set up similar to SI. So I pull out abbreviations all the time, I assume she knows parts of the story that I've posted here. It's good because I type better than I talk when it comes to how I'm feeling but I will probably switch back to regular IC when I get the chance if I still go at that point.


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, January 20th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just think the recent events have taken such a toll on me emotionally I keep wanting to "check out" mentally and emotionally from all of this

I think that is so understandable. You just want to protect yourself from the hurt.

The school stuff is so hard. My H got his MBA online, and he was working FT and trying to fix up our house at the same time. I felt like we never talked. It was HARD. I hate that he's taken what would already be a stressful time for you guys and made it 1000x harder with his stupid pointless ONS.

Obviously if we lived together it would be easier right? Probably not.

tsol, living together brings on a whole 'nother set of issues. Not that it's all negative, of course . . . it's just a big step. I think you're wise to delay it while you guys are working through this issue together.

Update on us, H is getting slammed with calls and emails requesting quotes for his "side" business, which is looking more and more like it's going to be his FT job sooner than we thought. He talked to his boss today about going PT. Scares the shit out of me. But this was the goal. Where's the brown paper bag, I'm hyperventilating. I have to go clean the kitchen now . . . trying to help him, keep up with the baby, keep up with my own job, and keep the house in order . . . we're both drowning a bit.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6161 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, January 20th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His fall semester is suppose to be just as bad, didnt have the heart to ask him about next spring UGH! Summer should be better. To make things worse, because he is now waking me up when he comes in (due to where our bedroom door is compared to where the garage is) and then again when he comes to bed, we have decided that I am going to start sleeping in his son's bedroom, otherwise I wont get any sleep :( It just keep getting better.

The drinking has not come back up yet. It will I am sure.

Glad the E counseling is working well for you tsol. I think you are wise to wait on moving in together until you are sure that is the direction you want to go with him. I wonder if he recognizes how things will have to change with his gaming if you move in?


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, January 20th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jana,
That sounds so exciting and scary with whs business. I'm glad it's going well though. I've always wondered about the paper bag thing, does that actually work? It doesn't make sense...never tried it.

Hurting
I'm sorry to hear things aren't looking up yet. I'm sure they will though. Do you have weekends to yourselves or are you stuck working through those as well?

Apparently the e-counselling only goes for a really short term thing. She has already dropped hints that time is almost up. She did say something today that I'm not sure about. Maybe it wasn't a good fit after all.

Me and wbf are probably at LEAST a year out from living together. Aside from the fact that his living habits would drive me insane because he still has so much growing up to do, the A definitely set us back.


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, January 22nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jana,

good news but scary news I imagine. Especially now with a little one to think of. That changes everything!

I hate that he's taken what would already be a stressful time for you guys and made it 1000x harder with his stupid pointless ONS
.

This point was the biggest source of resentment and anger for me early on. LIke our situation was not hard enough, like I hadnt sacrificed enough with my job situation and my inability to really make a move to better my career! My life was put on hold to help him get this degree.

This alcohol thing is another dagger in my heart. In so many ways he is loving, hard working and responsible. That is the man I have known for 4+ years. The broken parts that have surfaced in the last year shows me his selfish side and it makes me very sad and concerned.

I wonder if he recognizes how selfish his behaviors look to me?

I have ,like always, been bouncing back and forth in emotions. We had a very good night when he got home from work last night. We started talking about the fact that it is only 1 year and looking at how quickly that will go and some of the positives about our situation and that helped.
I am not ready to bring up the alcohol thing but it will come up.

Overall things are better . I yanked off my engagement ring for a few days there and was not wearing it but last night i put it back on.

It does not help that I have been an emotional roller coaster these days (typical I know for all of us). I miss my old stable self :(


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
candysmith0705
♀ Member
Member # 30390
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, January 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I’ve never posted here before…usually just in the reconciliation forum; but I have “talked” with many of you. I read through pages of everyone’s recent posts – some made me really laugh (specifically JanaGreen’s post about south park…wish I would have seen that episode), and others made me want to cry!

Anyway, I guess what my husband did would constitute as a ONS. Is getting a blow job from some whore who works for you considered a ONS?!! It happened a little over a year ago, but I just found out about it last October (when I guess he finally got to the point where he couldn’t live with the guilt anymore). Some days I’m thankful that he told me; but other days I hate him for it. I never would have found out; and what I don’t know won’t hurt me, right? So, not only did he have to make himself feel better by betraying me, but he had to tell me and break my heart so he would feel better. REALLY?

I understand that he was having some issues around the time it happened. UMM…HELLO…I WAS THERE AND WILLING TO HELP! I understand that he had self-esteem issues due to the fact that his ex-wife (and mother of his son) cheated on him with his dorky looking best friend. I get all that. But I don’t get how he was able to willingly unzip his pants for another woman. I also don’t understand what this woman (girl, considering that she was about 21 at the time) got out of giving my H head. I mean…really? Was that fun for you? Why would someone do that? I cannot imagine just deciding to give some random man a BJ; just for the heck of it. Sure when my H and I are together, and we play around in the bedroom, that’s one thing. And sometimes it’s even enough for me to just please him. Yet to do that and get EXACTLY NOTHING in return? WTF??? I just don’t understand that one…guess I’ll never understand the mind of a slut?

Sorry…today I’m just kind of pissed off. Things have been going fairly well for the past few weeks – I’ve even managed to not come to SI for quite a while (until yesterday). But today, today I just don’t care and I don’t know if I ever will. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!!!!! That’s how I feel today!


Me - BW (32)
Him - FWH (38)
DDay - October 16, 2010

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2010
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, January 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cs,

Welcome to our thread. Sorry you have to be here but your circumstances qualify and I can think of one person here whose WH had the same "experience", I am sure she will be along soon. Unfortunately my WH was not content at just that activity in his ONS I guess :(

About never finding out and him telling you....I get what you are saying but for me even though this pain is horrendous, I would of never wanted to have a secret like that between us for the rest of our lives. That would of killed me and our marriage. I guess the simple fact is that you cant unhear what he has told you.

As far as the OW, who the hell knows what any of them are thinking. She was probably hoping it to be a gateway to something more with him that did not pan out as she hoped. Most are as broken as the WS. Hate her, write her a nasty letter and then bury it and dont think of her again. Don't give her too much power. It solves nothing I found.

I am sorry it took so long for him to tell you, you have a right to be angry with him especially when you were there for him during his guilt breakdown. My question now is, what is he doing for you to help you heal and R? Its been all about him since he unzipped his pants, is he helping you heal?

Since you have read our posts, you know (me especially lol) we tend to roller coaster in our own emotions. I have had a particularly bad month this month. You are so fresh from your dday, what you are experiencing is SO normal. Try to pay attention to what helps you out of your moods, whether its an activity ,talking to your WS, whatever. You will need to have tools in your arsenal to combat your ever changing moods.

Hugs to you, we all know what you are going to, keep posting here too. I tend to like to post here because there are times when we get some attitude IMO from others in R that "wish" they had our circumstances of a ONS, like it somehow hurts less! This is my safe haven and I hope you find help here too.

@everyone else
My WH and I did talk about the drinking. We came to a suitable agreement about hard liquor as it seems that it has been another common denominator in all these incidents. I was pleased with our conversation and he was willing to stop altogether, I am the one that suggested we try this and see how it goes. I did realize that in the 5+ years that I have known him, I have never seen him "shit faced" drunk when he has had only beer. I guess I WILL NOT be his mother on this one. The rules and restrictions have already changed in regards to boundries with woman, I will be damned if I am going to be a babysitter in my marriage anymore! Dont know if that makes sense. He has been warned I will no longer clean up his shit from his inner demons, the line has been drawn to control this or leave!

I have my own self to worry about right now :)


[This message edited by hurting38 at 10:21 PM, January 25th (Tuesday)]


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, January 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome cs,
What you wh did definitely counts and you may find, like hurting said this thread can be a safe haven. I get the same feeling about "wishing" it was only ons. Then I also sometimes get flank for being young and still trying to work this out.

I understand feeling like you wish he didn't tell you. My wbf had never met ow before or after ons. It was a 100% ons and if I wanted her last name he said he would have to search everyone on facebook with her name. Didn't take that path. I would have NEVER known, if he didn't tell me. But if he didn't I think we would have grown apart. A secret like that, I believe would end up destroying a M. This way you have a chance to make it work if that's what you choose. Also if shows that he acknowledges the wrong in what he did. After Dday I chose denial as my reaction of choice. September and October were a blur for me and I believe that at some points, if someone had have asked me "did wbf have a ons?" I would have said no without flinching. Of course that didn't last and in came the roller coaster bigger and badder than ever before.

I think one of the issues with a ons is that it's harder to get inside their head. I feel, at least in my case, there was no fog. He wasn't in that delusional "in love" state. He didn't care about her at all. So he risked everything that we had, for half an hour (a guess...never asked about that ) of sex. That was apparently crappy because she was shit faced. Awesome..... Wbf has issues addressing his personal problems that lead to ons but whatever they were, like you, I was right there the entire time. All he had to do was talk.
((cs))

Hurting,
First off if you take the spot of "roller coaster-ing" (which I believe I'm at least runner up to, if not tied) I dibs being the "rambler".

Secondly, I'm happy to hear you and wh were able to come to an understanding regarding his drinking. I hope that works out and I hope things with your hectic schedules aren't too hard on you.

I will be damned if I am going to be a babysitter in my marriage anymore

I often find that I take too much of a babysitting approach. I print of articles I suggest ways he can work on himself. He knows all this, if he doesn't he can ask. I shouldn't have to hold his hand. (Except in a literal way when I want to)


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
candysmith0705
♀ Member
Member # 30390
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, January 26th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your support guys! It sure does help; yet at the same time, it sucks that there are so many of us!

Here’s our story (the brief version!):
During the spring of 2009 my H’s then 14 year old son was supposed to come live with us (mind you, his son lived across the country and only came to visit us on Holidays and over the summer). So since he was 4, my H had never had a full time relationship with him (my H is in the military, which is why he did not live in the same state as his son). Through the years, however, his ex-wife was extremely manipulative and used their son against my H (she’s EVIL). So, you can imagine my H’s excitement when his son had decided to come live with us. We made all the plans – got him enrolled in one of the best high schools in the country, set up an AWESOME bedroom for him (complete with brand new furniture…the whole 9 yards), etc. When he came to live with us, that summer, we took him shopping and bought him all brand new clothes, and even took him to get braces (which his mother had obviously been putting off for years because he was in desperate need of them). Basically, we did everything for him. We met with all of his teachers and his coaches before school started to help ensure a smooth transition for him and we just knew that he would have a better life with us (more stable, nurturing, full of values, etc.). Things were just all around good. Our life was now complete. Well, about 3 days after school started, my step-sons mother started calling freaking out about it all – claiming that we were trying to keep “son” from her (which couldn’t have been farther from the truth). “Son” also started to act withdrawn and was talking about how much he hated his new school, etc. Trying to be good parents, we reassured him and let him know that it was normal for him to feel that way but that it would pass and he had such a great opportunity to attend this school. Low and behold, the next day, my H got a call from his ex – she was screaming and said “He wants to come home and I bought his plane ticket and if you don’t put him on the plane I will call the police”. I, unlike my H, am a fighter. So I said “go ahead”, she had no leg to stand on! Yet my H isn’t the fighter I am…he decided to let his son go for this reason: his son was involved in the planning with his mother the whole time. He knew that he was leaving, he knew that his mother was coming in to save the day for him; but he didn’t show it to us. He continued to come home and make plans with us…he even did his homework one evening even though he KNEW he would be leaving the next day. Needless to say, my H was distraught. He was so disappointed that his son was so manipulative and deceiving. He was ashamed; but then felt horrible for being so ashamed of his own child. I, of course, did my best to help my H through that difficult time, and he seemed to do okay. Little did I know that right around that time was when he turned to porn.

Fast forward to Christmas of 2009 – my H had his first panic attack and it only got worse from there. Over the next few days, he opened up to me about his secret watching of porn. I was hurt, but was more concerned about his state of mind (he was in BAD shape). And as far as the porn goes, I was hurt because it was a secret he was keeping from me. Also, we had a GREAT sex life; so a part of me wondering why our awesome sex wasn’t enough. In January of 2010, he sought IC (and at that time, I thought it was just for the porn and the issues with his son – whom he rarely spoke to anymore after their falling out – son’s choice not H’s). He was put on anxiety medication and anti-depressants but never really seemed to get better. It was horrible to watch my H suffer to such a degree, and even more horrible that I couldn’t do anything for him. I hated it.

In June of 2010, we moved to a new state (again, my H is in the military). However, the state that we moved from was my home town so, while I was excited to move to the South (no more cold winters), I was sad about leaving my friends and family. My H, however, was in a HUGE rush to move…and I was angry at him for that. When we moved his depression continued, and I again pushed him to get back into counseling. He did. By this time, I was becoming more and more frustrated with him; and I felt bad about how insensitive I was becoming. But seriously, I didn’t understand why he couldn’t just get over it. Then October rolled around…that’s when he told me. The story goes a little something like this:
In December of 2009, he was sitting in his office reading some old text messages I had sent him (yes, dirty text messages, which we often sent back and forth to one another); he was also viewing some pictures that I had sent him earlier that day. The OW (who worked for him, and whom I had met numerous times), came to his door to ask him a question. He was pre-occupied because he was having consuming thoughts of sex. She noticed that he wasn’t paying attention to her, and asked if she should come back later. He said something along the lines of “no, it’s okay. I was just reading some texts from my wife…she sends me some really good stuff”. That opened the door…she then sat down in his office and they began to talk about sex…porn…all that stuff. My H shared with her some of the things that we did with each other, and she “seemed” to be very interested in what he was saying. She even told him I was pretty and asked if I liked girls. GRRRRRRR!!!! So I guess the conversation lasted about 10 minutes or so, when she then said she was going to leave (for the day…at this point, the 2 of them are the only ones in the office). So my H then thought it would be a good idea to “tease” her and stand up and tell her that he was hard (she was having relationship issues with her H; which I knew about; and he loved the idea that she wanted him…or at least so he thought). So when my H said that to her, she said “I see” and proceeded to walk over to him and grab him. At that point, I guess it was all over for him because he then unzipped his pants and she went down. From what my H said, it was at that point that he freaked out. He snapped out of his fantasy world and didn’t know what the hell was going on. He even thought to himself that if he didn’t orgasm, then that means he didn’t cheat…so as soon as he started to, he freaked and ran out of the office and never talked to her again afterwards (except for a conversation he had with her the next day to tell her that it never should have happened and he never wanted to discuss it).

Looking back, I can remember how much he hated going to work after that happened. Once he told me, so many things made sense. That’s why he hated going to work, that’s why he was in such a rush to move…it all made sense.

So anyway, here we are now…trying to sort through this. We have our good days and our bad days. And for the most part, I do understand all of this. I understand that my H was having a difficult time when his son left and instead of turning to me, he turned to porn. And I whole heartedly believe that the porn had a lot to do with him living in that “fantasy” world which he was in at the time of his indiscretion.

To answer some of your questions, right now he is doing everything to help me heal. He lets me vent, he supports me, holds me when I cry…basically, he loves me in every way possible. So here I am, with this man in front of me, whom I know would do anything for me, but I can’t let go. I can’t get that f’n image out of my head sometimes. And again, what the hell was that girl thinking? You just wanted to give my H head? Really? What trash! I honestly believe that he’s given me the whole truth…even though it doesn’t make sense to me. But for the first time in the last year, my H has been himself. After he told me, it was like a huge weight was lifted off of his shoulders and he was able to focus on me. His sense of humor is even back. But I have to admit and say that there are times where I wonder if there was more prior to that day. I mean, if you guys had no prior relationship, even if it was just flirting back and forth, then what made her think that was okay to do? I mean, yeah, he told her that he was “hard”, but still. Ewww!

Anyway, I better stop rambling…otherwise I could write a novel. And who wants to read a novel about this shit?

Here’s to hoping that everyone has a good day today! Yesterday was so bad for me and I plan to have a good day today…no matter what!!


Me - BW (32)
Him - FWH (38)
DDay - October 16, 2010

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2010
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, January 26th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((candysmith))

So sorry :( I agree it definately sounds like he was "reliving" a porn fantasy and then snapped out of it. My WH is ex military and has a son in CA . He was returning his 8 yr old son home from a visit with us, was upset, depressed and drunk. Instead of picking up the phone and calling me to deal with his emotions, he shoved them down his throat by getting drunk out at a bar , a forward OW hit on him, invited him back to her room (she even had the condoms ready) and the rest is history. So I can very much understand your situation with your WH and the struggles involving his feelings around his son. My WH too is not a fighter when it comes to standing up to the mother of his child although she is not "Evil" about their son just a bit stupid. :) I will never forgive her for the emotional abuse she did to my WH while they were together which has contributed to his self esteem issues but I am getting off track.

Please remember that even though the incident happened in 2009, you are just starting to process the info for only a few months. Your WH has had over 1 year to do so. So dont let anyone (not that he has ) push you to just "get over it", that includes yourself!

I am relieved to hear he is attending to your needs. There is a great link that tsol may still have about what a WS should expect as far as emotions and how to respond to them. It was the single best piece of info I gave to my WH to read.

TSOL- do you have that link still? I use to but not anymore.

But I have to admit and say that there are times where I wonder if there was more prior to that day. I mean, if you guys had no prior relationship, even if it was just flirting back and forth, then what made her think that was okay to do?

There is always a possibility there was more before, at minimum there was likely some sexual tension. I know I struggle with that too. Even though he just met her that night, unless she was a "professional" even the easiest of girls is not going to invite a strange man back to her room unless she was getting at least SOME cues/flirty behavior back from my WH. At some point, he crossed a boundry that led to the next step then to her invite and so on. You know what I mean? We had that talk about where that interaction should of been cut off to avoid that from escalating.

So I am sorry I dont have an answer for you on this but have you two thought of MC, or you joining some of his IC sessions to address what happened? Perhaps you can voice your concerns that there might of been more in front of a therapist that likely knows the truth and he would be more inclined to tell you if there was more or not. Just a thought.

I can’t get that f’n image out of my head sometimes

the mind movies just suck. I hated that part. It does eventually get better. I would have to say out loud to myself, just stop! You are not going to do this! Other times I just played it in my head, cried my eyes out and moved on. Sometimes the only way around it is through.:(

btw-was curious what does the 0705 mean in your name? Was just wondering if that was your birthday ? If so, take a look at the date of my WH ONS. UGH! I see things everywhere sometimes, whether or not they r there!

[This message edited by hurting38 at 9:03 AM, January 26th (Wednesday)]


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
candysmith0705
♀ Member
Member # 30390
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, January 26th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurting,

First, to answer your question, yes 0705 is my birthday. However, for any of you wondering, my name is not Candy Smith!! I have no idea where that came from. To be honest, I don’t even remember creating my profile…that was during the worst of all this. Crappy day for you though, huh? And I guess it always will be. My H’s day was just a few days before Christmas. Based on how we’ve pieced together the information, it was December 23rd to be exact. Really? You were getting ready to come home and celebrate the holidays with your family and that’s what you were doing? I hope that next year Christmas won’t seem so “tainted”! And I hope that you’ll one day be able to enjoy celebrating the 4th of July without thinking about what the next day means!

It sounds like you really do know where I’m coming from (as far as the being away from their children and what that does to them)! I knew that it was difficult on my H, but never knew to what extent, I guess.

I will never forgive her for the emotional abuse she did to my WH while they were together which has contributed to his self esteem issues but I am getting off track.

I feel the same way. My H’s ex, as I think I mentioned, cheated on him with his best friend (the two are now married with two kids of their own). In my heart I know that led to some of his self-esteem issues. Although, I never really knew these issues existed – I always believed him to be a confident man!

A part of me almost blames my H’s son for all of this. How horrible, right? But at the same time, I feel like none of this would have happened if he would have been honest with his dad. If things would have ended differently, you know? Of course, I know that my step-son is the way he is because of his EVIL mother; it’s certainly not his fault. Instead, he is a product of his environment. Yet I still can’t help but dislike him. I feel sooooo bad for saying that.

My H and I are in MC, and have been since all of this started. It certainly helps. Right now we are taking a break from the couples counseling and seeing the counselor on our own (I saw her on Monday and my husband sees her today). The counselor just wanted to get a feel for where we were individually, and I think it was a great idea! My H still struggles with his esteem issues. And because he waited for 10 months to tell me, he got to a pretty low point and is really struggling to build himself back up.

I’d love to have that link if TSOL still has it!
Today doesn’t seem to be too bad. Not yet anyway!!!


Me - BW (32)
Him - FWH (38)
DDay - October 16, 2010

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2010
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, January 26th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe this is the post hurting was referring to:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250
I have read it so many times I almost have the full web address memorized just from seeing it at the top of my page so often

Here's two other's that I really like:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=327446
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=354101
And what the heck, one more
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=364617
I hope any one of these helps

Hurting is absolutely right, even though the ons happened a while it is still very new and very devastating. At 5 months (oh btw, 5 months was yesterday and I didn't break down like all the other monthly anniversaries very exciting for me) I have a lot less mind movies they only come from a trigger or as a result of something that hits me the wrong way.

I'm so sorry Christmas was tainted for you. Like I said each month that went by on the 24 (ons day) and the 25 (dday) things would not go well. Christmas was included in that mess for me. I only have to write off the month of August from my life now because many a bad things have happened during that month.

I'm glad you've had a good day so far and don't be worried about writing novels. I like to read


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, January 26th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tsol, glad you were able to get through this "monthiversary" without crying. That's really good.

hurting:

We came to a suitable agreement about hard liquor as it seems that it has been another common denominator in all these incidents.

The IC who my husband saw for a few months after the incident used to be a drug & alcohol counselor. She said that certain people . . . it's almost like they have an "allergic" reaction to alcohol. Not allergic, really, but very bad, like their bodies can't handle it. From what I read online about fragmentary blackouts (ie, what my husband was in during hooker night), hard liquor tends to cause those because your blood alcohol level rises SO fast. Mr. Green can drink beer all day long and act fine. When he starts doing shots that's when Dr. Hyde comes out. He's told me SO MANY TIMES - "don't ever let me drink liquor again." But then he always did - until this happened. When people can't handle liquor, they REALLY need to stay away. We learned that the hard way. I honestly don't mind if he keeps drinking beer but he has no desire to drink any alcohol now. I think it's REALLY good that your H is going to forgo the liquor.

candy, welcome! I'm glad you found us. How terribly heartbreaking about your stepson, wow. Yeah, it doesn't excuse anything, of course, but I can see how that situation led to a whole awful chain of events that culminated in the infidelity. ((HUGS)) to you, and I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Hang in there . . . I know it is so hard sometimes. I agree also with tsol that I wouldn't want to be in the dark about a secret like this. I had another poster on here tell me that in my situation she would not have wanted to be told. I could feel the poison set in as soon as he got back from his trip and I had no idea why. As awful as the truth was, at least I knew why things felt terrible. And then we could fix them.

I've been a little quiet this week because I'm just tired and kind of bummed out. I'm terribly behind at work because we had a stupid two-day training thing, I'm having to work late to try to catch up and I'm missing out on time with my child, said child is sleeping horribly which means I'm constantly exhausted, and Mr. Green is always busy and doesn't really have any time to help me around the house, and he's too busy making calls and sending quotes to eat dinner with us most nights. I know it can't be helped right now but it just kind of bums me out. We'll be ok though, this is the hard part right now.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6161 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, January 26th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, hurting I want to ask you something. I've seen my husband really, really, REALLY drunk, blackout drunk, stumbling, acting the fool, doing crazy shit, out of control. But I have NEVER seen him throw up. Never. I often thought that I can't imagine being drunk enough to do what he did - but then I realized it's because my body is not ABLE to get that drunk. I'd be sick first. It's like he lacks that "release" valve. Is your H the same way?


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6161 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
two2muchpain
♀ Member
Member # 29306
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, January 27th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi there, I'm new to this thread. I didn't even know it existed. I'm about 7 months out from Dday and still really struggling.

My FWH had a physical ONS but did sexting after wards, which to me is still like doing it again. Plus he was emotionally involved with her for several months. (You can read my story.) So, do I still qualify for this thread? Or is this for BS's who's H's had a ONS and then felt immediately guilty and 'fessed up?


Me:49,at time of A
H: 47,at time of A
M: 23 yrs.
OW:27 at time of A
Admitted to EA and other things: 6/16/10
PA (one night stand,sexting and more: 7/15/10
S:19, SS: 30, SD: 26
R: Currently trying to work it out.

Posts: 196 | Registered: Aug 2010
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, January 27th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((two2))

IMO you go right ahead and post here. Welcome! I'm so sorry you're hurting. I think it sounds like your husband had somewhat of an EA going on as well. There's another BW who posts here sometimes, hopeless romantic, whose story is similar to yours from what I remember.

((two2))


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6161 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
candysmith0705
♀ Member
Member # 30390
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, January 27th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two 2– I think it all just sucks. Whether it was a PA, EA, LTA, ONS….it doesn’t matter. It all sucks. And come to think of it, how pathetic that there are acronyms for such acts! I see that the OW was 20 years younger than your H. WTH?? How did they meet? I swear sometimes this stuff makes me so angry!

TSOL – thanks for the links! Good thing I don’t work…they sure were long (but I read each one…and all of them!). I even forwarded a few to my husband. Fortunately, he is willing to read everything I send him…and more importantly, do the work. So often times I become frustrated with myself for not being able to let go more easily!

JG – yes, I guess in the end our marriage will be better for him telling me the truth. Yet I think there will always be a part of me that wishes I didn’t know about that awful day. I wonder – is it a thing with men and the alcohol? Like you, I’d get sick before I was capable of doing anything really stupid! I’ve also seen my husband get WILD drunk, but NEVER throw up. In fact, he was always holding my hair back for me while I threw up!

On another note…yesterday was such a good day! I commented on someone else’s post today about how my husband and I have always had this thing that we say to each other: “I love you so bad”. Well, since Dday, I haven’t been able to say it. I can only say “I love you, too”. But “I love you so bad” was our little thing. Anyway, last night, for whatever reason, while we were lying in bed, I said it! And much to my surprise, my husband cried. It made him so happy to hear me say that. So, we both went to sleep happy. But guess what? I woke up today feeling incredibly sad. All I can think about is how this OW gets to live her life and not suffer – not even a little bit. I had this strange desire to send her a text message and say: “I know you thought my husband was sexy. And I know you wanted him. But you’ll never be anything more than the whore who sucked his dick.” Then I thought about creating a facebook profile for her (when I google her name, her picture comes up, so I could use that). This profile would, of course, describe her in the way that I see her…but I can’t bring myself to do it. UGHHHH. I also have a picture of her and I together, on my old lap top (from a work function of my husband’s); but I haven’t been able to bring myself to look at that in order to delete it. Mind you, she and I were NOT friends or anything. I only met her on a few occasions.

My husband knew I was having a rough day today so he came home for lunch. It was nice! He’s also leaving the office a little early and should be home soon.

Before I go, quick question – I think SI might also benefit my husband. But I don’t want to tell him to join because I feel like this is my thing. I want to be selfish with it. I don’t want to share. Is that wrong of me?


Me - BW (32)
Him - FWH (38)
DDay - October 16, 2010

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2010
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, January 27th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow ,lots of activity! Welcome two much, and yes you belong here IMO. It is kinda weird the three of us found each other and all three confessed to what happened. Dumb luck I guess. Sorry you are here and will try and read your post asap. candysmith, that first post tsol put up is the one I was talking about. I remember my WH reading it and saying, "you could of written that yourself" it was so spot on for me. He said it was very helpful for him to understand what I was going through.

as soon as i can will post more to everyone and catch up on what is going on.
I have to get to bed and I am going out of town this weekend to see my best friend again in Milwaukee before I head back to work next week :( Cant wait to see her again. I feel so strong after I spend time with her. Good girlfriends are true blessing. However, this means another weekend with my WH alone, yikes! I think its important we do these so I can get more comfortable with them but its still so hard.

Real quick to jana, I am the same way as you with alcohol I would throw up first before my body would let me get that sick and looking back my WH never seemed to get very sick. However, in the past year (since his gall bladder was removed) it seems he gets violently ill with hard liquor especially. this last time he was vomiting for 24 hours, I was ready to take him in for an IV when it subsided. Its weird because your gall bladder should not have anything to do with alcohol processing that I know of. I cant tell if he is just drinking more in general or there is something physical going on that is making him more sick to hard liquor than usual. thanks for the posting btw, I never knew that and feel better about our agreement. I was afraid I was letting him off too easy.

the long and short of it with my WH was that the ONS, he was pretty drunk but never threw up, and was not as bad as our reception or anniversary by his own admittance. It was as much about the deep depression he slipped into . He always stated it was like he just went along with everything she suggested with. there was no real desire to do it, no thought of anyone or anything else, just numbness.

Scary.

I will catch up with the others as soon as I can.

[This message edited by hurting38 at 11:56 PM, January 27th (Thursday)]


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, January 30th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just venting under the cover of bumping our thread and checking in on everyone

I've been snooping around wbf's life with the assistance of Lala (as in Poopy) and have found some issues. Nothing related to the ons but back in 2008 we were spending time with two of his friends from high school. He admitted that back in high school he had feelings for her but it wasn't an issue now. I sensed otherwise, there was flirtiness between them. Mind you wbf is a flirty guy, he just is, but normally it doesn't bother me, with her it seemed more hopeful? Found a post he wrote online that he was having troubles with woman not noticing his "pick up clues". He directly lied to me about this. Issue number 1.

Lala went incognito into his new (as of last January) social network. I was already concerned about some of the "wall" posts I saw on the site but when she was able to get into the chat it became a bigger issue. He's made a lot of close "friends" on the site that he is very open and explicit with. He was "single" until I sent him my "confrontation package" on Friday. He keeps insisting that "nothing happened" but he doesn't understand the concept of an A that doesn't involve sex. Of course he's never met them in person so it can't be wrong, right? 100% not. Right now my concern is focused on one member of the other site (because she was on when Lala was chatting with them) and it came up that they have talked on webcam (wbf insists that is was just talking about life, which I can almost sort of in a way believe, but I'm still not ok with it because in the past while he's become more distant and won't talk to me about life so I feel it's like an ea with her) and they text back and forth. I've seen their texts but most of it is online where I don't see it. I think it's very much at that "not just friends" level. She is apparently engaged and her fiancée has just as many problems with her on the site as I do. She said that once she gets married she probably won't be able to go on the site anymore. And they (her and wbf) stopped webcaming when she met her bf/fiancée about 6 months ago. I'm getting so mad/tired/angry/etc about the fact that he will not see this from my perspective. He really has 0 boundaries online because he's stuck in "it isn't real" Tomorrow were going to talk about it and so far my list of requirements go as follows:
-MC
-No imvu until further notice
-NC with current concern (although via text today he promised that they would always be close )
-No private invitation only chat rooms
-Openness with any social sties and must list relationship status accurately

Anyone have any other suggestions, I know this is kind of more Cyber/Online Cheating forum relevant but it's a slow thread and I figured you guys already know my story, so if you are around....

two2

My FWH had a physical ONS but did sexting after wards, which to me is still like doing it again. Plus he was emotionally involved with her for several months. (You can read my story.) So, do I still qualify for this thread? Or is this for BS's who's H's had a ONS and then felt immediately guilty and 'fessed up?

I can now say that with all the online crap I'm dealing with (even tho it's a separate ow) I can understand the feeling of it happening again. I haven't read your story yet, because I don't think this weekend I would retain much, but you are definitely welcome here as everyone else has said. I'm sorry you are struggling but at 7 months I don't think that is uncommon (especially with him not ending contact with her immediately)

cs
This weekend I've been steering clear of the site that caused our problems because I really want to post something vindictive (ie. "Hey sweetie, I'm so glad I found you on this site it's so cool and everyone is *SO* friendly. I can't believe in March we will have been together for 5 1/2 YEARS!! Isn't that amazing? I love you so much sweetie. Kisses xoxoxox") I'm sure this post would do nothing but cause more trouble but I want them all to read it. He changed his status but I want everyone to know that we didn't just get together. I want them to know how much he lied to them. I want them to feel hurt. I won't post it I won't post it I won't post it....

Do you think your wh would be willing to delete that picture for you? I'm sure the fact that it even exists on your laptop isn't helping your sanity.

[This message edited by tsol25 at 9:48 PM, January 30th (Sunday)]


me - tsol, that's all for now

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