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User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread - II
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, January 30th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cs,

I knew that it was difficult on my H, but never knew to what extent, I guess
. Boy I really get that. Its exactly it for me too.

Part of my Wh's issues was that he suspected she had been physically unfaithful but could never confirm. She would only admit to an EA. Scary the similarities.

Unfortunately, July 4th will never be the same again for me. I posted this before so you may have seen it but the night of the 4th our family sat and watched the fireworks together and I remember at one point looking over at my WH and thinking, "man I am lucky it does not get better than this". 24 hours later he was in f----ing some whore 12 years younger than me that he knew for 20 minutes. :( Its a bitter pill to swallow and that 4th memory is just etched into my brain as a complete sham.

I can understand you feeling the need to blame your SS but I think you know that regardless of who did what , in no way does it justify what your WH did. No one "caused" him to break his vows. Not you ,the OW, or his son. He had choices he could of made instead of what he did and chose not to. While no doubt what happened w/his S contributed as well as OW's "availabily", in the end the choice was his.

two2, I read your profile and I am so sorry, trickle truth sucks.....I have seen so many posts on the other threads that its so devastating. My heart goes out to you.

jana, sorry its been tough. So overwhelming when you have the brunt to bear!

tsol, i am not familiar with lala so I was a bit confused on your post. It looks like its a social network like fb and you found your WBF has a profile up (has had one for awhile) and only recently changed his status to attached? These interactions you found, how long ago were they? It appears that he is minimizing his interactions online too? Am I right on all this?


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, January 30th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry hurting, Lala, as in Lala the member here. The site he's on is imvu. It's a social network sort of like fb but with the option of 3d chat where you have avatars that prance around and can interact.

He only changed his status on Friday because I confronted him about it (a second time although the first time was an off the tongue passing by remark).

The chat was Thursday night. Yes he has been minimizing his interactions online which is one of my reasons for concern.


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, January 30th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh tsol. Oh no oh no. I do not like the sound of that at ALL.

((tsol))

Thanks hurting, we'll be ok, this is just the hard part. He's finally going to get some money coming in soon, which will help us immensely. He's been booking trips left and right, but they don't actually PAY until a few days before the trip, so we haven't seen much actual money yet. Thank God because our bank account is starting to scream in pain!


Unfortunately, July 4th will never be the same again for me. I posted this before so you may have seen it but the night of the 4th our family sat and watched the fireworks together and I remember at one point looking over at my WH and thinking, "man I am lucky it does not get better than this". 24 hours later he was in f----ing some whore 12 years younger than me that he knew for 20 minutes. :( Its a bitter pill to swallow and that 4th memory is just etched into my brain as a complete sham.

What a gut punch - I'm so sorry.
I have bad feelings about the 4th too due to a stupid family conflict that took place in 2009 and I remember thinking just about exactly the same thing the night before it happened. Bitter is right! ((hurting))


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6167 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
wanttobeloved
♀ Member
Member # 30986
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, January 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been in a relationship for 9 years, two years ago we were apart for two months and I just found out in October after my sons wedding that he had a one night stand. I found out because he gave me an std. He explained it me as a young girl came on to him and it just happened,it was not about who she was or her age but his feeling of worth at the time. We are in couseling and he is trying but the fights are getting worse and I have a hard time believing anything he says. I am trying to figure out whether to stay and hope he is telling me the truth or leaving and starting life over again. Our situation is complicated and a long story. He makes me feel like I am taking to long and whenever I try to talk to him he says that we are just going in circles. How long does it take to move on and why does he make me feel like I am wrong for being hurt. I loved him and thought we would be together forever and now all i feel is pain, no happiness.


BS (me):44
WH:46
4 kids, 26, 21,21,19(3 live with me)
3 grands, 9,7(live with me)and 9 months
DDAY October 26, 2010
doubtful

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2011
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, January 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wanttobeloved,

sorry you are here, it sucks the whole thing. The information out here on SI suggests it takes anywhere from 2-5 years to recover. This number varies greatly depending on a couple of factors 1. WS level of remorse and willingness to do what is needed for the BS 2. how much TT or trickle truth there is (everytime there is new information given, the clock is reset so he needs to understand that) 3. if there are continueing A or incidents. So the way I look at it is in the best of circumstances , one is looking at 2 years before they are considered "healed" whatever that looks like.

A betrayal is a a betrayal whether it happened one time or 100 times so dont let anyone (your WS or your MC or anyone else on SI) make you feel like your pain is somehow "less". Vows have been broken, trust has been violated and we go through the same pain, emotions and feelings as everyone else. Just like you cant be a "little bit pregnant" you cant be "a little bit betrayed".

Its a long road and your WH HAS to understand that if he truely wants R. As i said before in another post, he has had two years to process this information plus he has the "complete" story. He has all the details and timelines and it is possible you do not yet. You have had 3 months! That is nothing in the process.

You would benefit greatly from tsol's post with the links if you have not already checked them out. I still stand by my statement that her first link was the BEST thing I ever gave my WH to help him understand what to expect.

I hope your MC is a good one and is working with him to help him realize that he can not simply rug sweep this. You didnt mention how you found out? If he confessed, is there a reason he waited until now? OR did you find something that clued you in?

TSOL- I ageee with Jana that is NOT good. I am SO sorry . I went back and reread what you wrote now that I understand it,lol. I think your list is good one although I would question if he really needs to even be on that particular site? that is up to you. What if he does not comply? What is the consequence?

jana -thanks it is a gut punch, one of many in my situation (we all have them I know :( ) It breaks my heart. It really does.
Money coming is is a really good thing! Hope it works out for you guys!

Well, I start back to work tommorrow and we are going to get nailed with this winter storm hitting the midwest. We are expecting 12-18 inches in one storm! That will break a 110 year old record here. This will fall on top of sleet and ice. Fun! I have a feeling that we will all be snowed in on wednesday so I will get in one day of work before i am forced back home LOL. Tough life huh!

Any one else getting hit with this storm? Think of me in IL when you see the news! Night everyone

[This message edited by hurting38 at 7:14 PM, January 31st (Monday)]


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
candysmith0705
♀ Member
Member # 30390
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, February 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurting Ė the similarities are pretty scary! Want to hear something even more scary? My Hís son lives in the San Diego area!


I can understand you feeling the need to blame your SS but I think you know that regardless of who did what , in no way does it justify what your WH did. No one "caused" him to break his vows. Not you ,the OW, or his son. He had choices he could of made instead of what he did and chose not to. While no doubt what happened w/his S contributed as well as OW's "availabily", in the end the choice was his.

I know this is true. And to be honest, given my Hís state of mind after his son left that summer, I think it was bound to happen. I hate to say that, but I think I have to accept it. My H was feeling unworthy. He didnít feel good enough for me, for our family, or his son. And because he was dealing with this by watching porn, he wasnít getting the help he needed. So low and behold, OW walks in and is ready to do the deed. I only wish it would have been anyone else that walked into his office on that day. Maybe someone that wouldnít have been so ďwillingĒ. I hope that one day, when I am able to forgive my H, I can also forgive his son for hurting his father so badly!

Things lately have been going well. Iím trying to deal with my own issues; which hopefully will help me deal with this. In IC yesterday, my counselor asked me when I was going to stop punishing my H. I felt SO horrible when she said that; because Iíve never really looked at it like that. Yet, I guess that is what Iím doing. In the process, Iím also punishing myself. I have a man in front of me who loves me and would do anything for me - but I canít budge. At least thatís what I keep telling myself. I guess I need to stop thinking in terms of ďCANíTĒ.

On another note Ė howís the weather? Itís sunny and 75 where I am!!!

Wanttobeloved - how far out are you from discovering all of this?


Me - BW (32)
Him - FWH (38)
DDay - October 16, 2010

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2010
wanttobeloved
♀ Member
Member # 30986
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, February 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The way I found out was by going to the doctor and recieving positive test results for an std, I approached him and he said he had a one night stand with a stranger in the back of a cab, he says he does not remember much because he tried to forget because he was ashamed. He siad that I am making more of it than it really is and there is no need for me to worry about her because they never saw each other again. He does not remember her name or appearance and says that he will not discuss the details because it makes him uncomfortable. Everyone tells me it is up to me to make us work but what is he supposed to do, I still do not eat and sleep is scattered and he says that I am a drama queen. I hurt because he sheated on me with someone he did not know or remember what kind of person does that and now that I know he is capable of such a terrible thing I feel very different towards him and see a side of him I never saw before. I do not know if we are going to make it but I am trying.


BS (me):44
WH:46
4 kids, 26, 21,21,19(3 live with me)
3 grands, 9,7(live with me)and 9 months
DDAY October 26, 2010
doubtful

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2011
candysmith0705
♀ Member
Member # 30390
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, February 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wanttobeloved - Iím not sure who youíre talking to, but for them to say that it is up to you to make it work is absolutely incorrect. And just because he never saw her again afterwards, doesnít mean that you shouldnít be upset. The fact of the matter is he betrayed you. Itís that simple. Does the counselor that the two of you are seeing ever have him address his issues? Specifically, what made him think that was okay to do? Just because a young woman came on to him does NOT make it okay. So did the ONS actually happen in the back of a cab? How does that work?

I, too, see a different side of my husband; and it hurts like hell. I never thought he was capable of something like this. NEVER. I also struggle with wondering if we are going to make it. I have good days and bad days. The last few days have been good, but my husband is doing everything that I need him to. He answers every question that I have for him; despite the fact that he is ashamed of what he has done. He understands that he needs to do that to help me heal. So I THINK Iíve finally gotten to a place where I donít have any more questions (but that may change tomorrow!).

As far as ďwhat is he supposed to doĒ Ė he should do everything that he has to do to make you feel comfortable. He should do everything that he has to do to help you heal. He should do everything that he has to do to help rebuild your trust in him. Those things are different for everyone; so itís up to you to decide what you need/want from him and then tell him. At that point, the work is up to HIM.

Like hurting said, check out some of the articles that tsol posted (I think theyíre on one of her posts on the 18th page of this thread). And possibly show those articles to your WS. Iíd love to help you more, but Iím still fairly new to all this. Hopefully everyone else will come along and give better advice and kind words.

Keep your head up and just know that it DOES get better.


Me - BW (32)
Him - FWH (38)
DDay - October 16, 2010

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2010
wanttobeloved
♀ Member
Member # 30986
Sad  Posted: 8:29 PM, February 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

candysmith - your post was a great help. I am so confused on what to do. I have calm days and than days that all I do is cry. WH says that if I love him and want this to work I have to put it behind us and look to the future, and than the other day we got into an argument becuase he was gone a long time and when he came home I said I would of went to spend time with him if I knew he was going to be gone so long, and he started to say that we are not going to work and he cannot take it anymore and that he won't go to cousseling anymore and that maybe if I am not with him I will stop feeling this way. His attitude confused me becuase all I wanted to do was spend time with him and he started yelling. He made me feel like something else was going on, very suspicious. I am so tired of feeling like everytime he leaves the house he is up to no good. I have tried sop hard not to ask any questions becuase every time I do he gets angry and says he is uncomfortable talking about it. When the MC brings it up he changes the subject. He says he just wants to forget it and move on becuase he feels ashamed and very sorry and then he syas why can't me loving you be enough. Sometimes I just want to scream, Because you gave me an STD that you caught from a complete stranger and you disgust me, but I stop myself becuase that would only make us argue more and I am tired of arguing. I do understand how this could happen to me, the man that I trusted and loved and beleived would keep me safe is the same person that broke my heart and gave me a disease, how do you move on from this and why can't he understand my pain, he tells me that I like being this way or I would snap out of it. I have good days and bad days and he is fine everyday. I look at him and he wonder what he really feels, I feel distant from him and he shows no affection. Am I a fool for staying or is all of this normal?


BS (me):44
WH:46
4 kids, 26, 21,21,19(3 live with me)
3 grands, 9,7(live with me)and 9 months
DDAY October 26, 2010
doubtful

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2011
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, February 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


((WANT TO BE LOVED))

I am so sorry you are in pain. I dont think you a fool for wanting to try and save your marriage. Is his behavior normal, from what I have seen yes, but not in a good way.....

What do I mean.....Honey, I am really concerned about what I have been reading. There are some Major red flags in your WH's behavior that suggest one of the following...1. he is currently in the fog and blameshifting(see healing library) 2. he is still up to no good 3. he has not told you the real truth of what he has done in the past. My gut is its 2 or 3 by the things he has been saying to you.

He wont tell you details, and gets mad when you bring it up? He gave you an STD and he does not understand why you should be upset???

I am speechless, really. I am so sorry he is being such a jerk to you. You do not deserve to be treated like this. When did he disclose this to you?

He siad that I am making more of it than it really is and there is no need for me to worry about her because they never saw each other again. He does not remember her name or appearance and says that he will not discuss the details because it makes him uncomfortable. Everyone tells me it is up to me to make us work but what is he supposed to do,

WTF????????????? Where do i start here? Yikes!! the details make him uncomfortable? Well tough S---! A violation of your trust and your wedding vows have made you "uncomfortable" so he needs to start talking. If you want details, you SHOULD have them. If he is not willing to give them, he is not willing to R. He should not be the one laying down the terms to R. I would be 180ing his butt immediately (again the healing library!) You need to get him out of the fog if you want R

I dont want to be the pessimist here but I really think something is rotten in Denmark! I would be asking for complete transparency as well. email password,facebook, access to his phone texts and calls. If he is refusing he is hiding something plain and simple .

What the heck is the MC doing? Your WH is not accepting responsiblity for his actions and he/she is not putting his feet to the fire on this? Simply admitting it is NOT being accountable. He made the mess and expects you to clean it up without help from him. Unacceptable.

The 180 will help you start focusing on your needs . I would also recommend you start thinking about what you will and wont accept here in R. I can tell you one thing your WH is not truely in R right now.
I am really sorry about that.


CS,
San Diego too, well I going go out on a limb and guess your WH is a marine then too. Small world.

given my Hís state of mind after his son left that summer, I think it was bound to happen

Again ditto, very creepy. It is exactly how I see it with my WH.

my counselor asked me when I was going to stop punishing my H.

When you are ready to forgive him. It will come in time and with increased trust. Glad things are good for you right now.


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, February 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So many posts, where have I been??

wanttobeloved,
hurting just said everything I was going to tell you.

Everything you are feeling is normal. Especially the ups and downs, they will start to level out but they will last a while.

He explained it me as a young girl came on to him and it just happened

This is the first line I got as well, but it can't be the last line. He has to look past it and find a deeper reasoning. HE has to, not you....hmm I have a quote for you from on here, from someone on SI (I'm so bad with citing these things):
"This was his decision. I don't like it. My work is to feel my saddness, anger and any other feelings that have been evoked by this event." (I seem to have lost half of it) It ends saying that, it is his responsibility to support you in whatever way you need through this. The third link to "The Life Boat" also helps illustrate this.

He needs to give you details (the ones you want) and answer your questions, otherwise I would think it would be impossible to get through this. I agree with hurting in wondering what your MC is doing? You might want to try another one because he needs a kick to the butt. And in the mean time also as hurting said, the 180.

You're not a fool for staying, but at the same time, no decision is set in stone. You can change your mind at any point you feel necessary. I assume you are staying with the condition that he starts to focus on helping you. That's not crazy at all. But you do also need to know how much you are willing to put up with.

Hurting,
I'm supposed to be getting a similar-ly horrible snow storm, right now. I wish I could have a snow day

cs,

I have a man in front of me who loves me and would do anything for me - but I canít budge. At least thatís what I keep telling myself. I guess I need to stop thinking in terms of ďCANíT

I've felt this at times and I know I've listed to songs that I know will make me sad or something like that. It's like a mini pity party. As long as you see yourself making some progress I don't think that's abnormal.

Wow I just got hit with tired. Me and wbf discussed the online issue and had a really good talk. I think we are half a step away from mc and he said he would visit si. And not like previously where he said it to make me happy, he was asking questions. I would say we are roller coaster "upping" again.


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, February 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tsol - glad the roller coaster is going up. I hope it stays up. I hope he comes here and turns into the model boyfriend. ((tsol))

((wanttobeloved)) - oh honey, I just hurt for you. I can feel the pain pouring out of you. Your WH is not doing right by you.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6167 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
wanttobeloved
♀ Member
Member # 30986
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, February 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out on October 24th, a week after my sons wedding. The story he gave me was he picked her up in a cab and she was happy and yound and he felt unappreciated and it just happened, he felt funny a couple of days later and went to the hospital and got a shot but did not realize what he had and when I caught it I thought it was menapause,when I went to the doctor and found out that I had an STD I was in denial but he put off telling me until after my son's wedding. The duration was two years, he went without sex for two years knowing there was something wrong with me and never told me. Then when he told me he was very angry and defensive and said it was because he ws ashamed and did not want to lose me. The first two months were vry hard I cried everyday, than I deciede to go to counseling becuase he was so insensitive and screamed everytime I started crying saying he cannot change the past and cannot handle seeing me like that. The other day he was gone for about three hours and when he came back I mentioned going with him to spend time with him before work and he started yelling saying that we are over and he cannot take it anymore, he seemed very suspicious. He says something different everyday, one day he loves me and he is ashemed and sorry and the next day he wants it to be over. Our schedules are all about work and kids so we schedule time to be together and everytime we do he cancels, he either does not feel good or he says he is too tired. The new thing is now he will take off from work early to go the casino and when I ask him why he can't do that so we have a night together he says that we can be together anytime but he can only go out once in awhile. How should I feel about that, it tells me he is not interested in me anymore and that I am only here to help out. Please help.


BS (me):44
WH:46
4 kids, 26, 21,21,19(3 live with me)
3 grands, 9,7(live with me)and 9 months
DDAY October 26, 2010
doubtful

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2011
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, February 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((wanttobeloved))))
Again I'm going to question your mc. What do you feel like you are getting from him/her? Can you try another one because your wh does NOT sound like he is helping. As a matter of fact he's doing less, he's doing more damage


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
wanttobeloved
♀ Member
Member # 30986
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, February 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a pastor for MC and he is telling us what we need to do but WH is just not doing if and I have tried to stop talking about and just accept what he is teeling me becuase I know that he will not say anything else but we feel so distand and like we struggle to talk. We have no intimacy and when I try to be affectionate he feels different. I am so scared for us because it feels over and he just seems so different to me. I want to trust him but I feel in my gut like something is going on. I am hoping that it is becuase of what he has already done but they say women's intuition is always correct, so I ask for signs so that I can know his truth and than I look into his eyes and wonder if he stills loves me. I am so confussed and feel lonely even when he is here. I just wish that these feelings will fo away, why does it feel so different, why are we so distant, I am so tired and hurt and not feeling any affection from him is only making it worse, how long am I supposed to wait to be loved and why does he not even attempt to try. So many questions and so few answers.


BS (me):44
WH:46
4 kids, 26, 21,21,19(3 live with me)
3 grands, 9,7(live with me)and 9 months
DDAY October 26, 2010
doubtful

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2011
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, February 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((wanttobeloved))

Your pain is heartbreaking. I am so sorry. I agree with tsol about MC. Are these things being brought up in MC? What you just wrote about spending more time together and his response is something you guys should be sorting out in addition to the details of the actual ONS.

If you are not already I would also recommend IC. IT was EXTREMELY helpful for me and I think you would benefit from a good IC. PLEASE PLEASE look at the 180 information in the healing library, I really think it will benefit your situation.

What about transparency? Have you asked for his info to check on him? Are there other behaviors/signs that you are seeing that suggest there is something else going on? The fact that he is so nonchalant about what he did to you and the resulting STD tells me he is majorily in the FOG about what he has done (or is still doing).

I will be brutally honest, if it were me, I would start the 180, get myself a good IC to start working on myself, and consult a D lawyer. It does not mean you would have to file, but I think you need to know your rights as it might come in handy if things continue down this road . I hope that was not too harsh, I just want you to be protected.

YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR ANY OF THIS!!!!! You dont deserve to be treated like this.

Keep posting and venting. I would also suggest posting in R if you are not already as there are many folks wiser than us (and more of them too) that may have better advice for you.

sending hugs and strength your way



DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
wanttobeloved
♀ Member
Member # 30986
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, February 5th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurting38, I agree about the red flags and him being defensive about everything but I do not know what to do. He seems to act so different and I keep telling meyself that it is becuase he can see the hurt in my eyes but I think I am in denial. I feel it in my gut that there is something he is hiding but if I say anything with no proof he can deny it and we are back at square one. I try to keep busy and not think about it but as soon as he leaves to go to work I get this feeling in my stomach and loose focus and all the feelings come back. He told me yesterday that he misses me being his best friend and I wanted to cry because I miss it too but I do not know if I can ever be that again. I feel so different around him and now I doubt everything about him. This site is true blessing just to be able to vent and feel safe that my feelings do not make me crazy. I am not sure what our future holds but I want to be happy and laugh and I am not there yet. I can't even remember what that is like. I feel lost and scared and look to him for comfort and get none. Then I ask myself how did this happen to me, I went from being the happiest person to saddest person in a moment.

What do I do about these feelings and red flags, am I going to spend the rest of the time doubting everything he says to me. When I think about how easy it is for me to lie to me and look into his eyes all I feel is hurt.

He even defends his defensive behavior with comments like he is tired of being accused of things he is not doing and he does not feel like he should have to answer for every move he makes. I quess I have to accept that we are going to meet the end of our relationship before I feel better and he is ok with that.


BS (me):44
WH:46
4 kids, 26, 21,21,19(3 live with me)
3 grands, 9,7(live with me)and 9 months
DDAY October 26, 2010
doubtful

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2011
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, February 6th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTBL, I don't think he's given you any reason to trust him and that's why you don't.

Post more - when you get to 50 posts, you can then view the Investigative Tips forum. If your gut is screaming at you, it might be worth it to do a little detective work and see if there is something else going on.

((HUGS)) I am so sorry you're hurting.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6167 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, February 6th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTBL,
I agree that confronting him with your feeling won't get you far.

In the morning before he leaves, try to make a list of things you want to try to do during the day. If your mind starts to wander try to find that list and choose something you're up for.

Also check your PMs


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, February 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree about the red flags and him being defensive about everything but I do not know what to do.

I know its sometimes so hard to see the forest for the trees when you are in the middle of all this. I am so glad you are finding support here.

To reitterate, this is what I would suggest....
I would start the 180, get myself a good IC to start working on myself, and consult a lawyer. It does not mean you would have to proceed in seperation, but I think you need to know your rights as it might come in handy if things continue down this road . I just want you to be protected. ( i saw afterwards that you two are not married but it looks like you own a house possibly together, though). I would also be demanding the transparency I mentioned before.

I am no expert by any means, all I can tell you is what I have experienced myself and what I have seen through others here on SI. One person alone can not R. He is NOT helping you feel safe nor is he helping you to rebuild your trust.

My WH wanted R and when I was ready to try R, I sat down and wrote out specifically what I needed from him in order to R. It helped me decide what was essential and where my lines in the sand were. If he could not give me these things, then I knew I had to walk away.

I was petrified when I wrote it. There was so much damage and so much that needed to be repaired. Its frightening and overwhelming. I didnt know if he would agree or if he would agree and then just blow it off. In the end, the way I looked at it I was not going to waste my time "hoping" he would do what he needs to and get it right.

If he refused to do what was on my list or said he would and willfully violated the list, then I had my answer about if he truely was ready for R. I would rather know that sit in limbo but that is just me.

If you decide to give him the list of what you need, you must also make sure he understands what the consequences will be if he can't/won't abide by the list and BE PREPARED TO FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THEM. I cant emphasize that enough.

Sometimes when you have an exit strategy, it can be very enpowering for you and can be a good wake up call for the WS to see that you are capable and will go on without them (even if you dont feel like you can, try your best to fake it).

Finally, I would suggest confiding in a trusted friend, it sounds like you are very alone in your situation and it may be helpful to find someone you can truely confide in that is a positive force in your life and that you feel will support whatever decision you make and not judge you for it. I am a believer that you can not go through this alone. Not everyone agrees on this point, but its just my opinion.


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

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