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User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread - II
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, February 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((CS))
I struggle, too, with trying to understand how my H was able to forget about me in those few minutes
.

he’s never been anything but good to me. This was a onetime thing; a onetime thing that he told me about even though I never would have found out. So why can’t I get over it?

I shake my head everytime I read your posts. You write exact phrases that I have written. We seem to be hitting similar phases within a relatively short time of one another.

I want to share some great comments that Jana shared with me in response to this exact thing. I think you already referenced it but it is so good it bears repeating.....

(from jana)
The thought of, were you thinking of me, were you not thinking of me, did you forget me, bothered me a lot at first. Now it just feels academic. There was no logical thought. There was nothing rational going on.

I honestly don't know if it's better if he were thinking of me or not thinking of me. Either option is pretty horrible. Do you watch South Park? There's an episode where they have to vote on a school mascot. The choices are either a Giant Douche or a Shit Sandwich. That's kind of how that choice feels. You can't really win either way. Either I'm so unimportant that you completely forgot me, or you're so selfish that you just don't care. Ya know?

I'm just sorry that your H (and mine, and tsol's BF, and poopy's BF, and the other ladies on here as well) has put you in the position where you even have to think about this. It's unfair that it's even part of your life to think about it. For that, I am truly truly sorry.

She is so right, its academic. No answer makes you feel better and really no answer changes anything. The truth is that selfish broken part of our WH kicked in an attempt to dull their own pain from the shit going on inside their heads. Their own issues, self esteem, depression, kids issues, or porn issues..whatever demons they were fighting at that point, led them to "self medicate" with sex imo ( mine used alcohol too it so happens)


Drunk or not, I can say it doesnt make it any easier. WH was pretty drunk, Jana's WH drunker even still , trust me its not a rationale that alleviates anything. Truth be told, it is quite possible that had your WH added alcohol to the mix, things very well may have progressed beyond a few minutes :(
Maybe that is overstepping bounds by saying that, I hope I didnt upset you. I just think of my WH situation and the fact that his escapade lasted couple of hours (from meeting at bar to the dirty whore happy ending he had) , if alcohol wouldn't of been a factor, I think he may very well have snapped out of it like your WH did.

It hurts to be so disregarded so easily. The lack of respect toward us is difficult to bear. In the end, I processed it over and over in my brain and after reading Jana's comments realized that ,there is no way to comprehend an irrational state of mind. It is futile to do so.

Just remember it is no reflection on you or on how he feels about you or your marriage.

keep your chin up, we are here if you need us.

[This message edited by hurting38 at 9:17 PM, February 11th (Friday)]


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, February 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

liberate,

I have not been on this thread as long as some of the others, so I am not sure if you are popping back in or new to here. WELCOME....

I read your brief history and I have to admit you are my greatest fear realized at least for someone worried about what the future will hold. It sounds like you are in a good place with your life and your decision to end it but can you share some background and insight into why it didnt work for you ? Any words of wisdom?


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
candysmith0705
♀ Member
Member # 30390
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, February 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurting,

Thanks! I know that I will never understand. I know that…and it sucks. I guess I struggle to make sense of it, even though there is no making sense. I’m well aware that my H was in a bad place (given what had just gone down with his son), but that doesn’t help me understand why and how he was able to betray me. I mean, why didn’t he just lean on me? I was there for him. I was reaching out to him. But he turned to porn; and ultimately to another woman to make himself feel better. I just don’t get it. And I do often struggle with blaming myself. I often think that “if I was satisfying him, then he wouldn’t have looked elsewhere” or “if he really loved me, then he wouldn’t have done that”. I’m smart enough to know those things aren’t true, but I guess when dealing with infidelity, being smart is just thrown out the window. Deep down I know that it had nothing to do with me. We had a great marriage, a great sex life, etc. But sometimes that makes it even worse. I mean, if things were so good, then how did it go so bad?

And you’re right; I know that if he would have been drunk it wouldn’t have made me feel better. And I’ve often thought that if he would have been drunk, it may have gone further, so I am thankful for that. I guess.

What kills me is that on the day that it happened, my H and I had been sending dirty texts back and forth to one another. Then walks in OW. When she asked him if he was distracted and if she should come back, he then brought up our texts. Not in detail or anything (or so he says), but just “my wife sends me really good stuff”. So at first they were just talking about dirty texts. My H then proceeded to tell her intimate things about “US”…some of our shared fantasies, some of the things that we did. THAT HURTS. So, the rational side of me understands that he was in a bad place. The rational side of me understands that the porn had a lot to do with his “disassociating”. But the emotional side of me doesn’t understand. I mean, if they were talking about ME, then how did he forget about ME. You know? And if they were talking about ME, what made OW think it was okay to do that for my H? So in the end, I believe that while my H was talking about ME, it wasn’t really ME he was talking about. It was his fantasy of me…and he was using that to get more information from OW. He was using ME to get her to keep talking about HER. He wanted to hear that someone other than himself was into porn (which she told him she was). So it made him feel less ashamed. It made him feel better about himself. So while I get it…I DON’T get it.

Prior to that day, my H and I had a great marriage. I KNEW that he loved me. I THOUGHT we were special. I THOUGHT we were different. I KNEW that we were going to grow old together. I NEVER would have believed that my H would betray me; especially considering that it had been done to him. We were the couple that everyone wanted to be. And now, he is back to being himself (since he finally told me). He is showing me every day how much I mean to him. Yet I am SO stubborn. I take 2 steps forward, and then 20 steps back. I don’t know why I can’t just forgive him. It was an isolated incident that was so out of character for my H. So why am I making things so much more difficult?

ANYWAY!!!!! I hope everyone has a great weekend! Anyone have plans for Valentine’s Day? I am so back and forth with that. My H has been planning something for months. Last week (when I was in my funk), I told him I didn’t want to do anything. He was crushed because he had worked so hard. The other day though (on a good day, I told him I changed my mind). So who knows where I’ll be on that actual day. I ended up making him a photo book on shutterfly…I used pictures from some of our favorite memories and filled it with some of our favorites sayings to one another. It was a lot of fun to make, and I know it would mean so much to him if I gave it to him…but I don’t know if I’ll be able to (given that it’s so sentimental). I know how happy it would make him though! I guess we’ll see if I can do it or not.


Me - BW (32)
Him - FWH (38)
DDay - October 16, 2010

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2010
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, February 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((CS)) The hurt that is just dripping off the thread I recognize so well.

I dont know what words of wisdom I can offer but know I understand every word of your post as if it were my own. In rereading your post, so much of what you are saying keeps going back to you blaming yourself. The sexy texts did not cause this to happen. You are trying to look at an irrational act through the lense of your own rational mind, it can't be done. Its kinda like trying to understand stories we hear when a mother drowns their children or some crazy thing like that. It's just not possible to understand it from their perspective because there is so much "shit" in the way mentally and emotionally that we will never understand.

I’m well aware that my H was in a bad place (given what had just gone down with his son), but that doesn’t help me understand why and how he was able to betray me. I mean, why didn’t he just lean on me? I was there for him. I was reaching out to him. But he turned to porn; and ultimately to another woman to make himself feel better

The simple answer is I dont know how they are able to betray us and not turn to us when we are right there, but I hope it helps to know its just not your WH. It comes back to the irrational thought processes going on in their brains during this time.

I want to share something very personal with you.I tucked this note in my WH carry on bag before he left for his trip to drop off his son In SD...

N---,
I just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you. I know I dont fully understand the pain this causes you but I hope you know that i empathize. You are such an amazing dad and a wonderful man. My heart truly breaks when yours does and I know it is now. I know you dont like this sappy stuff so I will be short. I love you more than words can say and what you go through time and again to see A---- proves that you are one of the best fathers out there! Come home safe to us. Love, Me

He read this when he was getting off the plane, a few hours later, he is in bed with another woman. My WH is not an asshole, he is not one of those mean, entitled men you so often read about here on SI with no regard for me. I struggled so long on the how could he read this then do what he did. Like you the pain of it all was too much to bear.
It took my counselor to point out to me that it hurt so much because in my mind the note SHOULD of stopped him, it SHOULD of been enough. I was blaming myself. That night I talked to him when he got off the plane and not again until the next a.m. That was VERY unusual for us to go the entire night not texting. I remember that night thinking it was weird but didnt want to bother him, wanting him to enjoy himself and relax. I struggled with the what ifs of that decision too,like maybe a few texts would of "snapped him out of it".

In the end, I came to realize that my WH loved that note and kept it because it meant so much to him. WHY didn't it stop him, because I am not to blame. It was not my "lack" of anything I wasnt giving him that led him there, it was what he was lacking inside himself that NO ONE could have filled for him NO ONE!!!
He was confused when I got upset at first when I discovered he kept it because to him, this was NEVER about me or what I had not given him, he knew deep down although never thought to articulate it, that it was about how broken he was and how he chose to not deal with his shit and it erupted. I was the unfortunate one that the "lava" ended up exploding all over. I hope this makes sense because it was a real eye opener to me.

Its human nature to search for the Why and an understandinng. If we know why ,we can go in an fix it. If we know why, we can anticipate it and stopped it from happening again on our end. Believe me I understand this!

In the end, I learned that I have to reliquish control and understand that I did not cause it so we can not fix it. All I can do is support his efforts to figure it out for himself and decide if what we have in the here and now is worth the risk of being hurt again.

I know this is hard to come to terms with but you will. One day soon you will be able step outside the situation and recognize that you did do enough (even if you hadn't there would never of been any excuse for it). I took the pain of knowing that note was there and it did nothing and turned it around to make me recognize that ...shit that was an awesome thing I wrote and that I DID NOT neglect or dismiss what I suspected he was going through. I DID everything I could so I am NOT to blame. Its a shift in perspective that took many many months but I got there.
Now does that make the pain of what happen go away, NO. Self blaming is a phase and you will "forgive" yourself and let it go when you are ready.

Sorry for the ramble, I hope it helps. I can't remember what you said about IC, but I highley recommend it. I would have been lost without a good counselor to work through this shit.

I am thinking of you and keep us updated.

As far as valentine's, my wh works night so :( no plans. We may try to meet for a quick dinner but it wont be anything fancy or romantic. Probably one of the chinese buffets because it wont be crowded or busy that night LOL! Try to relax and let him make a special night for you, you deserve it!

[This message edited by hurting38 at 1:14 PM, February 13th (Sunday)]


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
candysmith0705
♀ Member
Member # 30390
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, February 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh hurting! Your letter to your H brought tears to my eyes. I know that must have cut like a knife. How awful. I hope you know how strong you are! And I hope to one day have that same strength! The “what if” questions are the worst. I often have those. What if I would have called my H while he was talking about sex with OW? What if I wouldn’t have sent him those texts that day (then maybe he wouldn’t have been so “horny” – sorry, couldn’t think of another way to say it!)? What if…??? Basically, it boils down to – if my H would have just loved me the way he said he did, then this never would have happened. I mean, how could you have loved me but betray me in such a horrible way? That’s what I struggle with on a daily basis. Why didn’t you care that what you were doing was going to hurt me? Why didn’t you care that you could have lost me? Why?

It’s strange to me because the first few weeks (after D-day), were the worst. But then I really felt as though I was going to be able to get through this. And of course, my H and I went through the whole hysterical bonding phase. Then all of a sudden, last week, I find myself back in this hell where I just don’t know if I can do it. I often wonder if I was just so happy to have my husband back (considering that he was so depressed for 10 months because he was keeping that horrible secret from me), that I kind of blocked it out. It was SO great to see him smile. To feel his touch. To see my husband…not the man that he had become during that 10 month period. I just can’t figure out why I’ve fallen so hard this time. I really thought I was on the right track and that I was doing so well.

Any my poor husband! I’ve been awful to him. I mean, don’t get me wrong, we’ve had great moments since D-day, but I have done some pretty terrible things to him. Specifically, I downloaded a free text app on my ipod about a month after D-day. I started sending my H anonymous text messages (making them sound like they were from the OW). At first, he didn’t say anything to me about them; which pissed me off. But then one morning, he came home from work absolutely distraught. He then proceeded to tell me about the text messages and he was terrified. He was so worried that someone was just trying to get him to say something to get him in trouble (as I mentioned, my H is in the military and he could have lost his job). He was hysterical. I felt awful. And when I finally told him that it was me that sent the texts to him, he couldn’t even believe it. He was furious with me (can’t say that I blame him). But instead of lashing out at me, he comforted me. I also sent a text (from my ipod) to the OW (even though I promised my H that I would not contact her). The text simply said “I know what you did and I hope you are not teaching your daughter that behavior like that is acceptable”. However, I cannot be sure that it was her number (I googled it). I didn’t get a response indicating that I had the wrong number or anything, but there is no way for me to know if the text actually went to her. I do hope that it WAS her number, and I hope she understood that the text was from me. I’ve also said some really terrible things to my H – as if he hasn’t punished himself enough (during his depression those 10 months, he was barely functioning. At one point, he even wrote me a suicide letter). Yet, since last week, I just can’t find it in my heart to be compassionate towards him. How horrible of me.

Anyway, to answer your question, yes, my H and I have been in MC and IC. Last week though (during my break down), I refused to go to the IC appointment that I had scheduled. I was in such a terrible place last week; I just wanted to give up. My next appointment is this coming Wednesday.

I asked my H not to do anything tomorrow for Valentine’s day. I just don’t know that I’m up for it. We never really made a big deal about Valentine’s day in the past, so I think that he if made a big deal about it this year, it would only serve as a reminder. Enjoy the Chinese buffet if you end up going! Have an egg roll for me!!! Tomorrow is supposed to be a beaufiful sunny day here in FL; so maybe I'll just hang out by the pool with a nice cold drink (make that 10!)...Happy Valentine's Day to me!

And again – THANK YOU, hurting…and everyone else…for everything!

CS


Me - BW (32)
Him - FWH (38)
DDay - October 16, 2010

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2010
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, February 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cs,

I went through the same thing last month you are going through now. It is like being back around d day minus the complete inability to function if that makes sense.

YOUR QUOTE
Basically, it boils down to – if my H would have just loved me the way he said he did, then this never would have happened. I mean, how could you have loved me but betray me in such a horrible way?

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO and did I mention NO! Promise me one thing right now, you wil take this quote with you to your IC this week and talk to him/her about this . PROMISE ME!!!! What your H did has NOTHING to do with how he feels about you. NOTHING.....PLEASE do this one thing for me and process this with your IC. I fell into this trap, and the only way to get out is to take a step back and point out the flaw in that logic and reframe those negative thoughts. IC will help.

Thank you for your kind thoughts but I didnt write it looking for sympathy, I wrote it hoping you would see how I took that letter that did cut like a knife and I reframed the message I was telling myself regarding its meaning. The meaning of it for my WH never changed, it was in the creation of my own mind that skewed its meaning.
That note was one of my biggest triggers to date when I realized that note was still in existence, now when I read it, I still shed a tear at what has been loss but I choose to look at it like I mentioned. I did everything I could, its time to stop with the what ifs and live in the here and now.

Is what I have worth fighting for? The answer is yes for me so I move on. If it ever becomes No, well that is a different story. When my brain just wont let me move on, I do my best to work around it. What works for me exercise(big time), our hot tub :) , watching an episode of sex and the city works for me (i know weird huh?), or talking to my WH.

Still there are times when nothing works and i let my brain win and have a good old cry but I have been forcing myself into a time limit on it, so I am not in funk for the entire day. It helps me.

My biggest battle continues to be right before bed as i go to sleep without my WH(he works 2nds) and the downtime and anxiety often gets the best of me. Because of this, for the first time in my life, I am going on thursday for some anti anxiety meds to see if they will help. If I dont sleep I dont function and it all spirals downward from there. I admit I have had a steady diet of tyenol pm to help with the sleep since d day but they no longer do the trick for me.

So my rambling means, what you are going through is normal and it does not mean you have regressed. Quite the opposite, my take is that we are coming down from the initial "trauma" our minds have been trying to deal with this whole time so the flood of emotions we have been experiencing we are ACTUALLY starting to process in our brains. Even though it sucks, I recognize that as progress.

---the only way around is through ---- my mantra I repeat to death :)

I know you recognize how damaging the text thing could of been to your marriage and healing with your WH, I am so glad your WH realized it came from the immense pain he has caused you and gave you the response you needed.

Next time before you act on those kinds of thoughts, try to vent here, sit on it overnight and see if its something you still want to do after that :). Maybe that will help.

Hugs to you and good luck with tommorrow. If you trigger dont beat yourself up, turn TOWARDS your WH and work through it together and make a new/good memory out of it.

Happy V day girlie...
ps-laying out by the pool---i hate you!!! :) Its 40 degrees here and I feel like its a freaking heat wave!

To everyone else, Happy V day! I hope everyone survives it!

[This message edited by hurting38 at 4:25 PM, February 13th (Sunday)]


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
candysmith0705
♀ Member
Member # 30390
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, February 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I do know that you weren’t looking for sympathy! It just broke my heart for you…and all of us here!

I do plan to talk to my counselor about all those thoughts. And in addition to that, I’m thinking that some anti-depressants may be in order (I hate to say that; because I never thought I would need AD’s!). So funny that you mention the Tylenol PM – I’ve been taking Motrin PM since D-day. I also want to talk to my doctor about that (because like you, it just doesn’t do the trick anymore…and lying in bed all night THINKING is not an option!).

Thanks again! I’ve got a horrible headache right now…have a 40 page paper that is due next week that I’ve got to get finished…just not quite feeling it! I can write about lots of stuff; but right now, change management is NOT one of them! Haha!

[This message edited by candysmith0705 at 4:39 PM, February 13th (Sunday)]


Me - BW (32)
Him - FWH (38)
DDay - October 16, 2010

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2010
wanttobeloved
♀ Member
Member # 30986
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, February 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been reading the post and feel so much of what is said, I am going through the ugly stage, I look in the mirror and feel so unattractive and now that I have lost so much weight the little shape I did have is gone, all my clothes are falling off and I just feel ugly.

I think about what he did with this young girl and it makes me nausous, I have read that it has nothing to do with how they feel about you, but how can that be? How do they make a life changing decision without thinking about the person they are committed to?

I struggle everyday walking around in front him feeling the way I do. I think I want to be here and than I ask why? so he can hurt me again?

What kind of person has a ONS and goes home to give the person he says he loves an STD, and than say if you really love me you'll move on from this.

I struggle with that felling everyday and it makes me feel sick to think that he has done this and now our relationship is forever changed.

Whether I forgive him or not, whether we R or not, stay together or not the memory will always be there because we will forever be different.

I feel that if he was capable of having a ONS because he felt bad, than what is stopping him from doing it again? He seems to be ok with having ONS, had he not gotten an STD he would have gotten away with it.

I now question every minute of our relationship and if this has happened before, it is not like he is the kind of person that will tell on himself.

I have set up IC for myself and need to make the hardest decision of my life, do I want to stay or leave the person I decided 9 years ago that I would be with for the rest of my life?

I have thought about the ONS probably too much and beleive that the kind of person that can do this is not capable of real love and can do it again. AM I right? Do I have any way of knowing that that was the only time and he is not ever going to do it again? No I don't just his words and they do not mean a lot these days.

I am sorry for being so negative having a bad day and feeling sad.


BS (me):44
WH:46
4 kids, 26, 21,21,19(3 live with me)
3 grands, 9,7(live with me)and 9 months
DDAY October 26, 2010
doubtful

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2011
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, February 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((WTBL)))))

Please don't apologize for being down.


You don't have to make any decisions right now. Just focus on yourself, what YOU need to feel better. Take him out of the equation. Over time and through IC, I think you'll find some clarity.

((WTBL)) It's so damn unfair that you're here, that all of us are here. Please be patient with yourself as you heal.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6149 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, February 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wtbl,

(hugs), I know you are struggling. First off, I am so relieved to hear you have set up IC. You have some tough stuff to work out.

I have read that it has nothing to do with how they feel about you, but how can that be? How do they make a life changing decision without thinking about the person they are committed to?

Because its about their selfishness. Their selfishness does not equate to their feelings for you. Your WH wants to R which is a start, and he tells you he loves you from what I recall. He is ashamed of what he did ,its just that he wants it on his terms where he does not have to do the work. More selfishness on his part. Most WS do not go into marriage with the hope and intention to cheat (the exception are the pathological ones). Most have a conscious and never intended this to happen. there is a difference between not loving your spouse and being in a fog about what they have done and not owning it.

My WH was extremely selfish and put his needs first, plain and simple. However, I know in my heart that he did not go out that eve and say to himself, tonight I am going to cheat on my wife because I have no love for her and do not respect her enough to remain faithful. It does not make him less accountable for his actions .
like i said before, imo, we are trying to figure out the rationale in an irrational person's thoughts. Cant be done. It is so about the F--- up things inside of them and their needs superceding absolutely everything else in their lives.

If I were you, I would look at the relationship prior to the ONS. Was there respect , sincere love and concern for you before all of this? There are some men that have a sense of entitlement who feel that they are entitled to act recklessly and be a "man" when it comes to other woman throwing themselves at them. Is that him? I can not answer that , only you can with the help of your IC.

For me, my WH was never that kind of guy. Most importantly, his remorse and complete accountability shows me that he respects me enough to own his shit. I have always felt that for the most part, there was love and mutual respect in our relationship.
Does that mean we didnt have problems, of course not. Does it mean that I realized that I was putting more into this relationship than I was getting out of it? Absolutely.

If your relationship prior to this had the basic foundation of respect and love, I think its safe to say you can successfully rebuild. These are tough realities that you will need to face with the help of your IC.

I struggle everyday walking around in front him feeling the way I do. I think I want to be here and than I ask why? so he can hurt me again?

What kind of person has a ONS and goes home to give the person he says he loves an STD, and than say if you really love me you'll move on from this.

This is where I grow concerned hon. The kind of person that does that is not owning his shit. He wants it to all go away and move on and not accept the fallout of his actions. The lack of remorse from your WH frightens me and makes me scared for you. He wants forgiveness but does not want to put forth the effort to help you heal on your time line. That is not true R.

I struggle everyday walking around in front him feeling the way I do. I think I want to be here and than I ask why? so he can hurt me again
?

This is a very valid comment. I am not saying to stay or go but without true remorse, the likelihood increases that this may happen again.


I have thought about the ONS probably too much and beleive that the kind of person that can do this is not capable of real love and can do it again. AM I right? Do I have any way of knowing that that was the only time and he is not ever going to do it again? No I don't just his words and they do not mean a lot these days.

No you have not thought of it too much, you are suffering and your brain will think about it over and over and over, that is how it starts to heal. That is your WH speaking imo. Jana said dont let anyone (including counselors) try and tell you to just get over it. Your WH is making it hard for you to trust his words because he has not given you honesty ,remorse or transparency. It also sounds like he is not willing to do MC either, is that correct? From what I have read, he wont even discuss any of it with you. R can not happen that way. Is someone that has a ONS capable of real love and to not do it again? I think so BUT HE has to take fully responsibility and not minimize what he has done. He needs to give you what you need to heal and EARN your trust back, not just expect you to "get over it". That attitude shows a clear lack of appreciation of what he has done to you and without accountability, you are at risk for it happening again.

I am sorry for your pain, i really am but you can not reconcile alone. Please talk to your IC about WH behaviors since d day, its a good place to start.


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
wanttobeloved
♀ Member
Member # 30986
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, February 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your support, I remember when we first got together, we had a converstaion about this and told him if he ever cheated I would leave.

Now that it has happened I am stuck between what I said and how I feel.

Was there respect , sincere love and concern for you before all of this? There are some men that have a sense of entitlement who feel that they are entitled to act recklessly and be a "man" when it comes to other woman throwing themselves at them. Is that him? I

I have to say that looking back we have had many fights about his relationships with woman. He felt like it was ok to be friends and help them if they needed it and mentioned when he told me about this that he has had faceless sex with a bunch of woman before we got together and it never meant anything. It was very hurtful to hear him say that when he was describing this to me.

I understand that noone wants this thrown back in thier face everyday becasue it just makes them look stupid everytime, but what about the way it made me feel.

I know he has said some things that make me feel like he is sorry but I am afraid to let my guard down becuase I now know what he is capable of.

He has always been in controll and brags about being strong and smart, I was so proud to be in his life, he made me feel secure and now when I think about all of that being a front because down deep he is weak and stupid and now the security is gone.

I know that sounds harsh but this has given me a new set of eyes. I look at everything different and feel different emotions everyday.

It is tiring to go through a differnt emotion everyday, and the triggers are countless. I have stopped watching certain shows and when he is watching something I cannot handle I leave the room.

The things that he says about if I really love him I will move on is what he says he would do if it happened to him and he really loved the person.

I no longer see the man I fell in love with I see a man that has no idea that his actions hurt others and a man that does not take anything to heart, he continues to act like nothing bothers him and continues to make me feel like I am crazy.

I am not able to seperate who he was from what he did. Now all I see is a man that hurt me to the core, and I see a man that is capable of doing it again if the oppurtunity presents itself, that is the reason he gave for the first time.

I know that these feelings will be gone tomorrow and a whole bunch of new feelings will be here and that is what I am tired of, I watch him very closely, I feel very uncomfortable around him and disgusted that he did this to me.

I fear that no matter what he says or does my feelings will never change about him and this is very sad, when I think about how I used to be and how I am now I feel so sad. I did everything for him, I supported all his decisions and thought that our life was strong together.

I do not know if that is something I will ever feel again, and I do not know if the new and improved us can be better than what we had.


BS (me):44
WH:46
4 kids, 26, 21,21,19(3 live with me)
3 grands, 9,7(live with me)and 9 months
DDAY October 26, 2010
doubtful

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2011
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, February 16th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey just checking in to see how everyone's vday went? Hope it and everything else is going well for everyone


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
candysmith0705
♀ Member
Member # 30390
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, February 17th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey TSOL! My V-day was nice. Hubby surprised me with reservations to a restaurant that’s on a small island a few miles from us – boat had to pick us up and everything! We ate outside as the sun was setting; all right by the water. It was beautiful.

I stumbled on another nice little surprise when I came out of the shower: “I love you” was spelled out on our bed with m&m’s (the word love wasn’t spelled out though, it was the shape of a heart). Inside the heart was a gift bag: 2 of my favorite perfumes and a necklace. The necklace has a diamond pendant on it which is in the shape of a key; and he wrote a small note with it that said I hold the key to his heart. Oh, and the m&m’s were personalized – very cute touch.

It was all very sweet and romantic – reminded me very much of how my husband was prior to all of the relationship issues he’s had with his son. Anyhow, I was able to enjoy the evening; and surprisingly, didn’t think about his dirty blow job. On Tuesday hubby took the day off from work to spend with me; we just kind of laid around outside by the pool (but didn’t get in…water is still too cold). Again, it was very nice. BUT (yes, there is always a “but”), yesterday and today I’ve been back to not understanding how all of this happened. I seem to focus on the fact that it doesn’t make sense (because it really doesn’t….I mean, I can accept that there is no making sense out of someone being unfaithful…but his story just really DOES NOT make sense…to the point where it’s almost stupid). But anyway…how was your Valentine’s day?

Wanttobeloved – I can remember when I thought my husband was strong and smart. I was always so very proud of him. Little did I know how much he was suffering inside. I still don’t believe it sometimes. I often feel like I was naïve for believing in him so much; but what I understand is that he didn’t even know how much he was hurting. He didn’t even know that he had such low self-esteem. It’s a constant struggle every day; not only for me, but for him as well. It sounds to me as if your H is in desperate need of IC. And you need to give yourself time to heal. I don’t always have great words of wisdom to offer; because I’m often in the same place as you. I often feel as though I’m slower to move forward than other people. But we all deal with pain in our own way. I wish I had some great words to offer you; but I have a hard time remaining positive myself. Just remember that you are not alone!

Oh – and on another note – many of you have mentioned that you’ve lost weight during all of this. Well, NOT me! Haha! I put on a few pounds…but I swear, all the weight has gone straight to my boobs – they looked fantastic in my dress that I wore on Valentine’s day. I hope that now that I’ve gotten back into the gym that they don’t go away! HAHAHA!!!!!!


Me - BW (32)
Him - FWH (38)
DDay - October 16, 2010

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2010
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, February 17th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tsol,

how was your VD?

cs,
If my H did something like that for V day i would probably drop drop,lol. However, I knew the man has not a romantic bone in his body before all of this so I knew what I signed up for!

Our V day was fine. I got roses and H met me for chinese since he was working so we did not have time for anything romantic!

Well, I went to the doc today and got me some xanax, gonna take it tonight for the first time. I hope I can get a good night's sleep.

Jana-how was your Vd? Have not heard from you.

WTBL-V day had to have been hard.



DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, February 17th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cs,
I'm so happy to hear about your vday! The M&M thing is so cute!

I seem to focus on the fact that it doesn’t make sense (because it really doesn’t….I mean, I can accept that there is no making sense out of someone being unfaithful…but his story just really DOES NOT make sense…to the point where it’s almost stupid).

Most of us will stick to the points that we don't understand until we can understand them. When I find one, it literally flies circles in my head until it can be "resolved" and that can take a while.

I initially lost weight, but then it came back and now I fluctuate A LOT. I wish I gained boob weight, I could really use some in that dept.

hurting,
My vday SUCKED. Nightmare happened the night before and it left me down all day. I went to his place after work and he had a rose and chocolates and was cooking dinner but I couldn't get out of my funk. He noticed and got upset because I wouldn't talk about it (I just wanted to fix my mood and have a good time with him) and he got distant and then I got mad. Then I asked to see his phone and he got angrier because he worked hard to plan the surprise and I was still upset. Then he went to work and we didn't have a chance to resolve anything and he didn't give me his phone
The next day was much better, we talked and apparently he went online after work on vday and started venting about me to a friend he hadn't talked to in a while. He told her about the ons and how I was still upset 6 months after and I didn't appreciate his vday surprise blah blah blah. Little did he know, this friend got D because her xh cheated on her. OH BURN! It seems she is much better and expressing her anger with wbf than I am and he was really sorry when we talked and seemed to be much more interested in doing what I want to fix things. YAY.
Since then things have leveled out, they aren't way down but they aren't way up. Were still planning to schedule an mc appointment when we get around to it, sooner preferably. I need to deal with the imvu situation and I think that's best done with a second opinion.

I'm glad you are getting help with sleeping, sanity finds you much easier when you sleep through the night. I hope you find them helpful.


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
candysmith0705
♀ Member
Member # 30390
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, February 18th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurting – glad your Vday was nice! My husband has always been very romantic. He was that way when we met; and for the first few years of our marriage. However, it did die down a little bit (well, a lot) once we had settled into married life. So, I always felt a little “unwanted” because he wasn’t romantic anymore, and he always felt “unwanted” because I didn’t initiate sex anymore (although we continued to have a healthy sex life – I just no longer initiated it).

TSOL – sorry that you had a bad day. It’s the worst when we get into those funks and can’t seem to get out of them. For a while, I felt like I was doing really well. My funks didn’t seem to last for days anymore. The week before last though, I went into a funk and it lasted a whole week. I sat around and cried all day; I couldn’t focus; I didn’t want to do anything – it was just bad all the way around. In my IC appointment this week, my counselor suggested medication for the ups and downs. I’ve always been a bit wary of AD’s (thought it meant I was crazy), but then my counselor asked me if I would be wary of taking medication for my heart if I had a heart condition. My answer was of course, “no”. So she went on to tell me that the brain is an organ also; and people often forget that. So taking medication for our “brains” is no different. So I agreed, and she told me she would think about what she thought would work best for me, and we’ll discuss it more next week. I’ll then have to go see my regular doctor to get a prescription (not liking that idea, but what can I do)? As far as your WBF getting upset, I think it’s natural for them to start to feel that way. They have no idea how we feel, so it’s much easier for them to believe that we should just be able to move on. Anytime my H starts to make comments like that, I remind him that it took him 10 months to tell me about his indiscretion. And during those 10 months, he was horribly depressed; even had thoughts of suicide. So, if what he did made him feel that bad for that long, why does he think it should be quicker for me? I know that they love us and just want to be happy with us; but that is just so damn hard. And I still can’t help but ask my H “why didn’t you think of that before you did what you did?” I hate to keep throwing it in his face, but it’s just how I feel. I’m glad the two of you will be trying MC – I think it will be good for you both! Oh, and how ironic that he decided to “vent” to someone who has also been betrayed. I hope she let him have it!

You’re right, I will never really understand. And I make myself crazy trying to. But really, his story is just so stupid that I almost don’t even believe it. I mean, if the two of them were strictly professional before that day, how does it all of a sudden turn into her giving him a blow job? And how is it that you were so comfortable talking about sex? His response: it wasn’t comfortable. There were many awkward pauses. So I then say, “well then why did you continue the conversation” and to that he says “because I was looking for confirmation that there wasn’t anything wrong with me”. Okay, fine. BUT, if the conversation was about ME (which he claims that it was initially), what made her think it was okay to approach you when you stood up and said you were hard (just minutes after you were telling her how awesome your wife was)? And what was she doing and/or saying that made you think that she wanted you and that she would do that (apparently, he was under the impression that she wanted him and that she would do “that” – as in suck his dick) – that doesn’t make sense to me because he said that during their conversation, she didn’t say much (he did most of the talking).

He explains it to me like this – he wanted to have sex all the time (which I was well aware of). And while I also enjoyed sex, I didn’t want it ALL the time like he did. I mean, I don’t think he would have been satisfied if we had done it 3 times a day – but once a day was fine with me. And so he took that to mean that I didn’t want him (sexually – which is just crazy to me because we had GREAT sex, which he will admit to). And during our marriage, he always felt like I was better than him; like he could just never measure up to me. Okay – I GET THAT. But how do those feelings turn into you letting some other GIRL give you a blow job? So from how he explains it, the day it happened, we had been sending dirty texts back and forth to each other most of the day. In walks GIRL (I say that because she was only 22 at the time). She notices he is distracted and asks if she should come back. He says, “No, sorry – my wife just sends me ‘really good stuff’”. She says, “Oh, that’s cool”. My husband then asks her if she ever did that with her husband. The conversation goes on…and from what my husband was saying, at this point, he was interested in what she was saying because he was wondering if there was something wrong with him (because he wanted sex all the time, and because he thought that I didn’t want him). Okay, I get that. So then the conversation turned into talking about sex in general terms “Do you think porn is bad? Do you think porn is wrong? Do you think a lot of people watch porn?” Stuff like that. Again, okay. So the conversation ends. She said she was leaving for the day. At that point, my husband thinks that it is a good idea to stand up and say to her “I’m hard”. This is where I’m just F’N lost. Why would he say that? He said that it was to “tease” her because she had been implying that her husband didn’t want her even though she tried numerous things to get him interested; and because she seemed so interested in everything he was saying, so he assumed that she wanted him. And he wondered, if she wants me, why doesn’t my wife want me? This is the part I don’t get though – my husband claims that he never wanted anything physical to happen. My response is always the same. If you didn’t want it to happen, then why did you stand up and tell her you were hard? Ummm….hello????? I understand that once it started, he realized that he didn’t want it and he freaked. But to tell me that you didn’t want it before it started is just ridiculous. AND IT MAKES ME SO MAD. I mean, I get that it didn’t have anything to do with her (she isn’t cute); but why tell me that you didn’t want it? If you didn’t want it, then when she was leaving for the day, you would have let her leave. If you didn’t want it, you wouldn’t have stood up and told her you were hard. And when her response was simply “I see”, if you didn’t want it you wouldn’t have walked over to the side of your desk so she could get a better view. If you didn’t want it, when she approached you and touched you, then you wouldn’t have said, “see, I told you it was hard” and then proceed to unzip your pants. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. And really, my husband was not like that. I mean, when we first met, he was such a gentleman. He didn’t start telling me stuff like that until we had been married for years. And he was never the flirty type or anything like that. So I am shocked that he was comfortable enough with her to say that. SHOCKED!!! How in the hell were you so comfortable with her yet that was your first encounter together?

He tells me that it all just happened so fast that he didn’t even have time to think. And once it became real to him, he freaked out. Okay, that’s fine. BUT YOU STILL FINISHED….IN HER MOUTH. I mean, if you were that freaked out, and that scared, I would think you would have gone soft instead. You know? He says that he finished so quickly because he had been thinking about sex all day. And at this point, while it was happening, he was so scared – he was scared someone was going to walk in, he was scared of what he was doing, etc. And he said he was scared not to finish because he didn’t understand what was going on and he didn’t know what to say to her – and he was scared if he freaked at that moment then she would freak and go tell someone (which like I said before, would have cost him his job). But I just don’t know what to believe. You know? I just don’t understand. From what he “says”, he started to “finish”, and then freaked and backed up. He said that he was thinking to himself (and these are his words exactly), “If I don’t cum then I didn’t cheat”. So once he started to, he freaked, and he didn’t completely finish, and most of “it” was in his pants (as opposed to in her mouth). I mean, am I really supposed to believe that? I guess I never will understand all of this. And the fact that I don’t understand completely pisses me off. So basically, I am supposed to believe that they were strictly professional before that day. I am supposed to believe that this girl just wanted to give you a BJ and you never did anything for her in return. I am supposed to believe that the conversation was never about the two of them (as in, “hey, I’ve always kind of had a thing for you” or something like that). I am supposed to believe that he assumed she would blow him even though she never implied that she liked doing that. I mean, maybe he told her that I didn’t do that for him as much as he would have liked?? Who knows? But am I really supposed to believe that it went down the way he said it did when it makes no sense. Does he think I’m stupid? What girl/woman gives her boss a blow job just for the hell of it? Seriously! And you never touched her? Yet she still did that for you? You never implied that there could be more? Yet she still did that for you? Please!!!

ANYWAY!!!!!! As for the weight, I lost weight the first few weeks, too. But since then, I also fluctuate. Prior to D-day, I was in great shape. I’ve always been active. Now though, I don’t have the energy. And to be quite honest, I’m so emotionally and physically weak that I know I can’t just jump right back into things. I know that I have to take it slow or I could seriously hurt myself. So this week I started to ease myself back into the gym. I know I’ll lose my fantastic boobs (haha), but anytime I gain weight it always goes there first. I just wish I could lose the weight that I’ve gained everywhere else and keep these!!! Haha! Oh well.

Well, here’s to hoping that everyone has a great day!!!! I’m still working on my 40 page paper…so sick of writing!!!


Me - BW (32)
Him - FWH (38)
DDay - October 16, 2010

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2010
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, February 18th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all, sorry I've been so quiet. I've been kind of down this week and I for some reason have a hard time posting here when I'm down. It's like I feel guilty about bringing down the group. On a support forum. Yes, I have issues.

H neglected to get me a card for Valentine's Day. I posted about it some on General and Reconcilliation. It's just put me in a real funk this week. I think I might leave work early and pick up the baby and engage in a little retail therapy.

((WTBL)) - how are you doing?

Candy, I can so identify with what you're going through right now. You're processing everything. It takes a while. It's SO normal. ((candy))

Hurting, did you get some rest last night?

tsol, not going to lie - I'd be SO PISSED at him for venting to another woman about the situation. But HAHA looks like he picked the PERFECT person to vent to! It sounds like she smacked some sense into him!


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6149 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, February 18th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cs,

You have alot of detail (more than I even had and I thought I had alot!) so its good he is being honest with you.

In regards to his behavior:

The whole scenario sounds like a bad porno, really. Its almost as he was playing out a porno situation,which would concern me if it were me. I know that there have been issues with him and porn, is his IC covering that? Big big issues imo that he needs to be able to connect to his behavior and his overuse of porn.

OW behavior- I am sorry if this is going to sting....have to ask this one. Is it possible that OW was a bit intimidated by her BOSS making sexual advances to her? From the sounds of the way this played out, your WH was the agressor at least verbally. Not knowing their dynamic, its hard to say which is a scary situation for your WH because she could go screaming sexual harrassment and have a VERY strong case. I am by NO WAY EXCUSING OW here, please dont be offended. Its hard to say what goes on in the mind of a 22 year old. If my boss was inappropriate, I would stop and say, I am uncomfortable with this but at age 22, who knows . Just food for thought. However, it is more likely that she enjoyed the attention and the thrill and it was consensual so to speak.

Assuming that this is the case and not an intimidation type thing in her mind because he was the boss....than I agree that there had to of been some precursors and broken boundries prior to this. This topic to me must be covered at some point.

Does this mean your WH is lying... not necessarily. Let me explain why I say that.

My FWH has always been notoriously stupid when it comes to realizing that girls are flirting with him. I sincerely mean it and have other non ONS related evidence to prove that. He is clueless,he doesn't always see an interaction as a flirt . I dont know what your WH is like but there may have been boundaries crossed here and there throughout their work time together that seemed innocent enough but "primed" them for this situation. In fact, I would have to believe that is the case. It may not have been appropriate touching or kissing but I would suspect there were some points when lines were crossed individually that seemed harmless enough when seperate but created the right climate for trouble.

If your husband's boundaries with woman are a fuzzy, he may not even be aware of the cumiliative effect his interactions may be having with women,setting up a situation where things can go wrong.

After the ONS, FWH and I had a good talk about boundaries and discussed what are the lines of appropriateness in interactions with women (and men). We spelled it out. Seems like something that should be easy and obvious, it surprised even me the grey areas we can sometimes encounter here.

I almost don’t even believe it. I mean, if the two of them were strictly professional before that day, how does it all of a sudden turn into her giving him a blow job? And how is it that you were so comfortable talking about sex?

Exactly what I am talking about above...I said this to my WH . I don't care how easy of a woman the OW was, unless she was a paid professional, there HAD to be some flirting and/or inappropriate talking when he was with this woman at the bar to lead her to ask him to her hotel. There were some cues that led her to believe it was worth a shot to ask.
My FWH can not remember the conversation (and i believe him) and even so, he is so clueless about the nuances that women throw out when they are flirting, he probably missed 2/3's of them. There were probably so many opportunities that he should of intereceded with a comment about his wife back home that would of stopped things but didnt cause he didnt even know he was getting deeper and deeper into a mess(combine that with the messed up head with his depression and alcohol and the lines become even less clear) . So he let it progress to a point where the flat out temptation presented itself and he crossed the line from bad boundaries to outright cheating.

As a general rule now, we use this barometer in our interactions with the opposite sex....if my H/W was here would he/she be uncomfortable with what was just said/done if he/she were present? If so, you have crossed a boundary. For us, any physical act, from a kiss forward is cheating. I make that distinction because for the future there are different consequences if he crossed a boundary versus cheated. There are no 3rd chances for cheating but I actually told him I want to know about boundary violations(and there would be no serious consequence from his honesty) so we can address them before they turn into something more that we cant resolve.

The ironic thing, in talking about this and laying down these rules, I realized that in the past, I had been inappropriate with a man when we were together dating (but exclusive). I danced with a guy at a club ( he was someone I knew from before I dated my H), nothing physical other than the dancing happened but had my H (then BF) been a fly on the wall and saw us dancing, the way we were dancing plus heard some of the conversation, he would of been very uncomfortable with the situation and rightfully so. I ended up refusing this man. It was a good example of how me not stopping when the first boundary was crossed led to this man asking me home with him. Even though I did not instigate the boundary crossing, my lack of stepping up and saying ,whoa wait I am taken allowed it to progress. Had I been in a more fucked up place mentally , I may have taken that next step. Its a slippery slope sometimes. I did fess up to this encounter with my WH during this conversation for the sake of being completely honest. It made for a good example for both of us.

None of this may apply at all to your situation but i think its worth all of us exploring this with our SO.

I hope this helped at least some. I know I can get off on a tangent.....

hugs to you, thanks for sharing your story.

[This message edited by hurting38 at 3:40 PM, February 18th (Friday)]


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
wanttobeloved
♀ Member
Member # 30986
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, February 18th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today is another bad day, I think I watch him too closely and see something I do not like everyday.

I had to take my kids to my son so they could go to the movies, I did not want to go, and on my way home H called and when I told H that i was not home yet, H said it was taking too long. That to me is a sign of guilt.

The other day we went out and I noticed him looking at another women, like sizing her up, and I felt disgusted.

I am tired of watching him and feeling like there is something going on all the time.

I am sitting here alone and realizing just how hurt I really am.

It feels more and more like we won't make it, I cannot stand his wondering eyes, and his way of making light of his ONS like I am crazy.

When he is home I feel stiff and scared and as soon as he is gone I feel relieved. What does that mean?

This is so scary for me because I have nowhere to go, I keep my mouth shut everyday because I am scared that we will argue and it will be over and then where do I go. I don't work, I have kids in school and everything is in his name.

SO I sit everyday and watch him and feel sick seeing him look around and think to myself am I blind, he didn't just start acting this way all of a sudden, why am I just now seeing it?

I am in a bad situation that will only get worse because we never talk about it, and when we do he just gets angry. I have been told that his anger is because he feels like I am forcing him to hurt me more by telling me what happened. If he tells me the truth I will probably leave and since he does not want that he gets mad and shuts down.

I just want someone, anyone to tell me that I am not crazy and that being in this situation sucks and how I should fix it.

I am afraid to look into my gut feelings because I can't take anymore, life is just so different now, I feel a different emotion every day.

Can it be possible that all of these emotions means I am done, that there is no more us? and it hurts so bad because i feel stuck.

I remember when h told me what happened and how insensitive he was, and how it made me feel and I wonder if he made it seem like more than it was because he wanted me like this and knew that I had no where to go so why not be as hurtful as possible.

This whole situation is sick and out of all the people to fall in love with I pick the one that has no heart.


BS (me):44
WH:46
4 kids, 26, 21,21,19(3 live with me)
3 grands, 9,7(live with me)and 9 months
DDAY October 26, 2010
doubtful

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2011
candysmith0705
♀ Member
Member # 30390
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, February 18th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JG – I’m so jealous! I would love some retail therapy. However, on this small, remote island that I’m on, all we have is a Sears and a Kmart. Blah! The closest mall is 3 hours away. Maybe that’s a good thing though – if the mall would have been closer, we’d be broke through all of this!!! Oh how I miss Macy’s…JCPenny...New York & Company...Aero...Victoria’s Secret...Target...and the list goes on and on! I really miss Target!!! Have fun and buy lots of good stuff!

Sorry about Vday. I read your post about the card…I hope you’re feeling better now. Only you said:

Sorry I'm whining so fucking much, I feel like I'm upset over nothing and there are people with genuine problems right now. I just can't seem to shake this funk I'm in.

I think it’s okay when we get like that; and sometimes it can be so overwhelming that it’s too much to deal with. However, we’re all here to help and support one another because we all have genuine problems. And please don’t feel guilty about bringing anyone else down. I mean, my gosh, I’m on here bitching and complaining all the time! We’ve got to get it out, right?

Hurting – don’t worry, I never take offense to anything that you say! My husband was definitely the aggressor in the whole situation – without a doubt! As for the boss thing, I have actually thought that many times. And to be quite honest, I actually believe that was the case. I think I’ve said this before: I do believe that she possibly had a crush on my husband; I actually thought that the first time I met her. BUT – I do not believe that she WANTED to do that for him. Instead, I think that because of the way it happened, yes, she was a little intimidated. And given the way my husband describes it, she was in no way acting like some kind of whore who just did that kind of thing. And when her and my husband discussed what had occurred days later, he said she seemed to feel really bad about it and said “I’m not a homewrecker”. When I mentioned this to my husband, and he looks back on the situation, he agrees that it is quite possible that she was intimidated and quite frankly, didn’t know what else to do. She was 22 with a young child and in the middle of separating from her husband. That’s pretty young to be going through something like that and just tells me that she was in a bad place just like my husband was. I guess we’ll never really know though!

My husband has been dealing with porn in IC. Actually, he had been dealing with all of this in IC months before he told me about what happened. When this all went down (meaning after his infamous BJ), he fell apart and went to counseling; only I thought it was just for the porn (because that was the only part he had told me). When the counseling and medication wasn’t helping, he knew that he had to tell me the whole truth. So, he’s actually been dealing with all of these issues much longer than I have. Sometimes, I get upset that it took him 10 months to tell me. But then sometimes I get upset that he told me at all. I wish this…I wish that…I just can’t make up my damn mind! At the end of the day though, WE ALL wish that it just would have never happened.
As far as how my husband was before that day, to be quite honest, he was the model husband. He never flirted, and because he always raved about me to everyone, women knew he was off limits. Everyone in his office KNEW that we had a good marriage because my husband was not shy about sharing that kind of information with people. There were many times when I was there when he would do it; either in front of me, or I would just simply overhear it.

When I ask my husband why he thought that she wanted him, all he can tell me is “because she seemed really intent to listen to what I was saying”. He swears that she never implied anything; and that he didn’t either. And it doesn’t matter how much I beg and plead, he won’t give me anything else. Yet I insist that one day he will. I make him walk through it with me OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER, and the story never changes. I tell him that it won’t change anything; that I will still be here. I tell him that I just need to know the whole truth. But nothing ever changes. So I’m not sure why I think that one day it will. I guess because when he told me about the porn (December of 2009), he swore that there was nothing else. So when he swears now that there is nothing else, I just think about how it took him 10 months to tell me anything more. When I say this to him, he reminds me that even after he told me about the porn, he was still horribly depressed. He still couldn’t function. He still wasn’t eating. He still wasn’t sleeping. He still just wasn’t himself. After he told me about the BJ though, he has been himself. He’s been more comfortable. He’s been able to show love to me. He’s been able to smile and laugh. He’s been able to drink again - during those 10 months, he refused to drink; not even a beer. Now mind you, we were never big drinkers, but we did occasionally go out and have a few beers. He will now finally do that again instead of ordering a non-alcoholic beer while I order a Coors light. So he insists that if he hasn’t told me the truth, then he wouldn’t be able to do all of these things. But here I am “Nope. There’s more to it and I don’t know why you just won’t tell me.” Uggghhhh!!!! Does it ever end? Again, I just don’t understand how you can go from this…to that.

He's a good man; and with the exception of that day, he is a good husband and a good father. So sometimes I get frustrated with myself for not being able to let go and just accept his love and love him back.

[This message edited by candysmith0705 at 6:09 PM, February 18th (Friday)]


Me - BW (32)
Him - FWH (38)
DDay - October 16, 2010

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