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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread - II
bigdog
♂ Member
Member # 25379
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, February 5th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

painpaingoaway,

I honestly believe that is what it is BUT getting "caught up in the moment" is the downfall of any WS, just ask them. I have related this to my W by saying "I was just not thinking at all" BUT I still made the choice and that is something we will both have to live with for rest of our lives I am sorry to say Christ, I am an adult man of 54, I should know better. I have a beautiful, wonderful wife and two beautiful stepdaughters not to mention my 3 children and a beautiful grandson, tell me I was "thinking". This is not a copout as some or most would tend to believe, but that is what it was regardless of what everyone thinks. This was a very totally unexpected thing for me. I hope this helps.



FWH (me)
BW (hopelessromantic)
Dday 5/03/09 TT til 6/22/09



Posts: 102 | Registered: Sep 2009
hopelessromantic
♀ Member
Member # 25415
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, February 5th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And if I can help by saying, the company one keeps syndrome was also in play for bigdog (my H) as he was hanging with a crowd that has, on more than one occasion, had ONS's and/or affairs and made it look "easy" "fun" "no big deal". Not that this is an excuse either, but when SEVERAL things fall into place as they did for bigdog (alcohol, the offer from OW, the "in crowd has/had done it", he felt like crap about himself anyway) he simply explained it to me like this:

"I had too much alcohol, I didn't think anyone cared about me, I was useless to my family from back surgery, I had gained weight, the offer was thrown in my face and I took advantage of it. I thought of no one but myself at that particular moment."

Doesn't make it any easier to understand, but that is what went on in his mind...for a BS that's clear as mud


BS-Me FWS-him (bigdog)
D-Day 5/3/09 TT til 6/22/09
Behind every woman scorned is a man who made her that way.

Posts: 2836 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Midwest
Good Wife
♀ New Member
Member # 26237
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, February 5th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bigdog,

Do you think most men who are drunk, seduced by an aggressive female, and given an opportunity (location) would have difficulty resisting? Is it instinctual urge and ego combined.

It is so hard for me to understand why someone so happily married would risk everything for a five minute awkward quicky.

Good Wife


Posts: 29 | Registered: Nov 2009
bigdog
♂ Member
Member # 25379
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, February 5th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Wife,

Could be all of the above. For me, it was feeling sorry for myself combined with alcohol, associating with ones that have done it, away from home, not thinking I would get caught and yes it was an ego boost BUT I want to let you to know and everyone else reading this, IT IS NO EXCUSE WHATSOEVER!!! I made the choice and a very very bad one at that and now my W has had to endure pain that I could not imagine but am beginning to totally understand. It was not worth it at all!!! And I can tell you that most men of solid integrity would not fall into this. (Says a lot for me doesn't it).



FWH (me)
BW (hopelessromantic)
Dday 5/03/09 TT til 6/22/09



Posts: 102 | Registered: Sep 2009
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, February 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone besides me gotten an STD from just ONE ONS?


me BS female 55/him WS 58
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 6763 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, February 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And if I can help by saying, the company one keeps syndrome was also in play for bigdog (my H) as he was hanging with a crowd that has, on more than one occasion, had ONS's and/or affairs and made it look "easy" "fun" "no big deal". Not that this is an excuse either, but when SEVERAL things fall into place as they did for bigdog (alcohol, the offer from OW, the "in crowd has/had done it", he felt like crap about himself anyway)


Substitute "Mr. its" for bigdog, and this is my story, too.

Recently he flew with a female captain (he is a first officer/copilot). It is customary for the captain and first officer to have dinner together. He had the presence of mind to call me and ask me how I felt about him having dinner with her, and I kind of lost it.

He said to me, "look at it this way--she is just another captain"

I said, "yeah, well, SHE was just another flight attendant, too, wasn't she?"

Not to mention the fact that the whole thing started over dinner--and drinks.

Well, he did NOT go have dinner with this captain.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
hopelessromantic
♀ Member
Member # 25415
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, February 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is so hard for me to understand why someone so happily married would risk everything for a five minute awkward quicky

I struggled with this too, and the bottom line (at least for my H) was alcohol gave him the liquid courage to go thru with it AND he didn't think he was risking everything because he was certain NO ONE WOULD FIND OUT. I still struggle somedays, but I truly am starting to believe there really is no thought process when one goes thru with this "madness". They don't think....period so in their mind, there was no consequences at the time


BS-Me FWS-him (bigdog)
D-Day 5/3/09 TT til 6/22/09
Behind every woman scorned is a man who made her that way.

Posts: 2836 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Midwest
Devestatedx5
♀ Member
Member # 16557
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, February 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone besides me gotten an STD from just ONE ONS?
Yes. Genital Herpes. Lovely "gift" that will last a life-time vs. his unsatisfactory hour or so with the prostitute.


FBS-me (49)
FWH(57) ONS 8.19.07
Dday: 9.19.07
Married +26 years
RE-MARRIED 4.28.11
----------
Proverbs 31:10-31
Sometimes people are SO open-minded that that their brains fall out.

Posts: 2598 | Registered: Oct 2007
tryingtostay2010
♀ New Member
Member # 27503
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, February 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine had a ONS only once (this I'm sure of because he couldn't hack 3 weeks of guilt without telling me) and the classy gal gave him chlamydia. My tests aren't back yet but let's just say the outlook is not good. He doesn't know her name and couldn't pick her out of a crowd (so he says) so I don't even get the satisfaction of telling her how dirty she really is.


WH - 33 (ONS)
BS - 32 (me)
2 kids
Dday - 2-5-10
working towards R

Posts: 19 | Registered: Feb 2010
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, February 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I realize that I'm fortunate not to have an STD because my husband wore a condom, but there is something very chilling about knowing how deliberate that action was... to put it on meant coherence on some level.

Trying to stay- I have had dreams about going back to the country where it happened, find the girl, and beat the shit out of her. Not that it would change anything, but it sure would feel good to do it.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, February 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryingtostay,

He doesn't know her name and couldn't pick her out of a crowd (so he says)

That's what mine says... and I don't believe it!


me BS female 55/him WS 58
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 6763 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, February 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Marley,

I have had dreams about going back to the country where it happened, find the girl, and beat the shit out of her.

Me too.... I have more hatred toward her than I do my husband.... I know that doesn't make sense, but that's how I feel.... F-ing nasty whore!


me BS female 55/him WS 58
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 6763 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
tryingtostay2010
♀ New Member
Member # 27503
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, February 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly what I feel. I mean, she knew he was married and had two young kids because they were talking about it when the group was still there drinking. He passes out on the floor and wakes up to her cuddled up next to him. Not that this excuses him in any way, shape or form. But COME ON! I'm very glad to say he is giving up alcohol as a condition of working on the marriage. And thank god for the vasectomy, it doesn't help with the STD but at least I don't have to worry about this skank showing up with a kid in the future.
I've got 3 books coming from Amazon - has anyone else had luck with books or is MC really better? I don't know if I really have an aversion to counseling or if I'm just trying to not have people know. (Or at least know that they know)


WH - 33 (ONS)
BS - 32 (me)
2 kids
Dday - 2-5-10
working towards R

Posts: 19 | Registered: Feb 2010
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, February 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying to stay, I had a really hard time with reading books on infidelity. So many of them don't pertain to a one night stand, particularly my situation. They might include one or two sentences about one night stands, but they tend to be dismissive.

Please, see an MC. See one who you feel comfortable with. I don't know what I would have done without our MC-- he saved our marriage and my sanity.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, February 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to agree...MC-and IC-saved my marriage (so far anyway) and sanity, too.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
tryingtostay2010
♀ New Member
Member # 27503
Frustrated  Posted: 9:30 AM, February 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, we're talking last night 'cause I printed some stuff from SI to help him start thinking about why it happened (besides "I was drunk"). I'm making him walk through the progression from on the floor to in her pants. And he's visibly more upset than I am. Which makes me feel bad for him and pisses me off at the same time. And yet, I like that he's this upset because it does reinforce my belief in his remorse. Is this crazy or somewhat normal for ONS's?


WH - 33 (ONS)
BS - 32 (me)
2 kids
Dday - 2-5-10
working towards R

Posts: 19 | Registered: Feb 2010
Good Wife
♀ New Member
Member # 26237
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, February 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryingtostay,

It is totally normal. We did not do MC but I do IC, he would do MC if I insisted, but I am not sure..I'm kind of getting to the point where I am exhausted just thinking and talking about it.

My H is totally guilt ridden and sickened by what he did to "us" but even more so about the pain he has caused me as a result of his actions.

I have decided to accept what I he has told me as the truth, I need to accept in order to move on. Ruminating over the act(mind movies is truly painful and counterproductive)We are both totally committed to recovery, but at this point I am still stuck in sad acceptance.

I am trying to feel empathy for my H, I am trying to put myself in his shoes; I can almost believe that he feels worse about it than I do...

You see, he is totally in love with me, probably more so now than ever before and he knows that I will probably never feel the same way about him again..this is the cost of his drunk 10 second romp that he quit once rationale thought prevailed.

His drunk impulse to respond to the tramps' seduction has cost him more than he could have ever imagined...and yes, I'd love to beat the crap out of her!.

Good Wife


Posts: 29 | Registered: Nov 2009
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, February 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am reading through this thread, and see "I was drunk" all over it.

My H's first drunken ONS ended up blowing up into more, and became EA/PA.

In my very humble opinion...
If your spouse cheated while they were drunk, then a no alcohol policy needs to be part of the solution.

Drinking doesn't create a cheater. But it is a catalyst.

My H has been completely sober for 2 1/2 years. It has changed the fabric of our relationship.

Please at least consider sobriety as a part of your boundaries.

Just my two cents.


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
hopelessromantic
♀ Member
Member # 25415
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, February 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Drinking doesn't create a cheater. But it is a catalyst.

I think this is part of my H's explanation. The alcohol didn't make him cheat, it gave him the courage to go thru with the act.

My H isn't a regular drinker, it's 4 or 5 times a year at best. So regular alochol consumption isn't the issue we're facing, but it did give him the "liquid courage" to say yes


BS-Me FWS-him (bigdog)
D-Day 5/3/09 TT til 6/22/09
Behind every woman scorned is a man who made her that way.

Posts: 2836 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Midwest
tryingtostay2010
♀ New Member
Member # 27503
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, February 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely no alcohol was my first condition. No bars for right now without me either.
We've talked about how liquor allows him to act (he can generally handle beer but whiskey makes him an a$s). But he still has no clue what made him take the opportunity. We don't accept 'I don't know' as a response from our children when they do something minor-bad, why would I accept that from him on something major??

Second dilema - he thinks he remembers her being behind the bar, so that could make her an employee. I'm pretty sure the urge to go find her is bad right now. Opinions?


WH - 33 (ONS)
BS - 32 (me)
2 kids
Dday - 2-5-10
working towards R

Posts: 19 | Registered: Feb 2010
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