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User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread - II
wanttobeloved
♀ Member
Member # 30986
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, March 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am trying to find a post about an STD trich that gave a website if anyone can help me find please let me know.

I still having more bad days than good, he has not worked in two weeks because of an infection that is in his finger and knee.

I am just so lost with everything that goes on and the roller coaster is making me sick.

Today I woke up angry watching him count change, he still plays scrabble all day and goes to the casino and makes stupid comments, for instance yesterday he was looking for a movie to watch and stopped on one with a naked women on the cover, I said why did you do that he said he was not paying attention and than had the audacity to say that he overlooked my comment and choked it up to being upset about what happened.

He asked if he could diet with me, I said I am not on a diet, I have lost 50 pounds becuase of what happened. He really seems clueless to my feelings.

As far has him forgetting what happened, anything is possible, but it seems unlikely that a man can remember his 5th grade teacher and not remember a ONS or the person that gave him an STD.

I have made another appointment for a pap smear, ever since I found out what he gave me I have become obseesed about germs, it is sickening, I have never felt this way before but now I am so careful and use bleech and germx and I am still shocked that this happened.

I just want to know how to forgive someone for this when you know that they would never forgive you?

He says things like he would be lost without me, and he is afraid that I am leaving. Then he says things like we need to stick it out and try to fix this together and maybe in a couple of years be ok again.

Then he misses work for two weeks goes to the casino three nights in row and plays scrabble every minute he is awake. What is wrong with him and better yet why am I still here?


BS (me):44
WH:46
4 kids, 26, 21,21,19(3 live with me)
3 grands, 9,7(live with me)and 9 months
DDAY October 26, 2010
doubtful

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2011
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, March 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At the same time, I need him to be more specific with WHY he is sorry

this is also a very big thing for me, along with I love you. To say I am sorry or I love you is easy. I will almost always ask Why? It frustrates the hell out of a man who does an awful job of articulating his feelings. However I NEED to hear the meaning behind those words.


wtbl-sorry you are still struggling so much. Have you decided what you are going to do with your situation?

As far has him forgetting what happened, anything is possible, but it seems unlikely that a man can remember his 5th grade teacher and not remember a ONS or the person that gave him an STD.

While I do agree your WH is not being truthful with you about the details, I can tell you that he very well may not remember her name. My WH could tell you the color of his shirt he wore 15 years ago to a school recital but at the same time couldnt remember what he had for dinner yesterday. Add alcohol to the mix and forget about it. Unless he was blind drunk to the point of blackout (like jana's WH), I think that most WS should be able to give you basic details of what transpired, but a detail like a name can easily be forgotten in a ONS. They all likely looked at these women as simply a hole they could fill.

Quite honestly, her name is not the detail you should be focusing on as an issue with him. He has not given you remorse, has not taken ownership of the mess he has created and has not given you the details you have asked. You have not given him consequences for this as a result so he has learned that this damaging behavior will not result in any real discomfort for him.

At this point, all I can recommend is you have to stand up for yourself .

tsol- has this EA been brought up in MC? From the sounds of it, he is still in contact with this woman because he thinks he is doing nothing wrong ,correct? I am sorry I cant recall, didnt you find conversations or something that seemed inappropriate? Why is he still having contact with this woman, have you told him NC?

[This message edited by hurting38 at 2:56 PM, March 7th (Monday)]


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
peacelovetea
♀ Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, March 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tsol -- Caspar! OMG! LOL! Glad he didn't bring his blankie to MC. :) Glad you like the therapist, I hope this is the start of good progress for you! My WH needed external validation too. I am not sure what to say about his new confidence -- is it because he is doing work, like in IC, and that is helping fix the root problem? Or do you think its more a case of "hey, I got laid" machismo that's making him puff up? I'd be worried about that too.

WTBL -- tsol is right. What do YOU want? It doesn't sound like its this! Are you going to IC?

hurting -- I think it was great that you wrote that, and that WH responded so well. Sometimes you just have to let it out, you know? And I know that WH doing the right thing means more trust -- its good for him to show you he can do it! We have the lack of follow-through issue too, drives me nuts. In some ways I think I have just taken it all over, and that makes it easier almost to consider leaving -- I do it all anyway. Not good for our R, that's for sure. I hope you guys can work it out!

cs -- I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I hope the time with your family was healing for you.

Jana -- <i>I say, you lied and upset me this weekend, he hears, you're an utter failure as a human being.</i> Ugh we have this issue too. (Funny how all our WHs have so many of the same problems!) I think this has been the biggest stumbling block in our R -- the more I say "but I feel X" and hope for a response the more he feels worthless and useless and then he freezes and can't respond and then I push harder for him to hear me and round and round we go. I don't know how to change that dynamic, though -- don't think the problem is on my end, here, actually. But I suffer from it regardless.

I hope I didn't miss anything else.

Big weekend here -- WH came home late Friday from his conference, and we didn't really talk that night, it was late. Next morning he slept in and then came down and spent some time with the kids, then we went upstairs and I told him I needed to let him know where I was, emotionally. He was upset that his efforts to make me feel safe didn't (after our huge arguments on the phone him texting me once in awhile wasn't really a huge deal, you know?) and I was upset because I felt like he wanted to ignore those arguments, which were never resolved, and pretend everything was fine. We ended up agreeing to separate, then ended up having sex anyway. I cried so much on Saturday, I don't know how I can keep making more. Since then he's been alternately distracted by the new job he is starting today and being all lovey and telling me he doesn't want me to leave him. I am just hopelessly confused. I know I love him, underneath all the pain, but I am definitely not in love with him and he has hurt me so many times, in big and little ways. I hate that he has taken so long to do what I asked him to, some of it he still hasn't done. (All I asked for was transparency, timeline, better work/life balance, and to court me -- the last one was a biggie and still hasn't happened, he claims he "doesn't know how" WTF). And I still have this question of "if he didn't even need a reason to betray me how can I ever be safe?". I don't know what to do. I was so much more relaxed and at peace when he was away last week, but I just can't bring myself to pull the trigger. Is it just comfort and familiarity? Or is my gut telling me something I should be listening to? Last week I was ready to have him move out and ready to start moving on...


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, March 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((PTL))

We ended up agreeing to separate

How did that come about? Did you bring it up? What was his response initally?


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
peacelovetea
♀ Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, March 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't remember exactly. There was some discussion of it sounding like I was done, that he just can't do what I want him to do (e.g. the courting), that he's tired of hurting me, and maybe he's done trying. All very clinical. I think I was the one who said "maybe we should separate then" and he said "I thought you didn't want that but would go straight to divorce?" and "maybe that's best". Then there was silence for awhile, and I think I said "Its just that I am not sure how to imagine the rest of my life without you in it." and then he gave me a hug and, well... Apparently I am a sucker for sweet words and kisses. Just wish that actions would actually match those sweet words.


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, March 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wtbl,
I will re-earn my link-providing crown:
STD Train all aboard
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=395781&AP=21&HL=
What I think you are looking for is on page 2 and the thread itself, I noticed just got bumped, it's at the beginning of General.
He asked if he could diet with me, I said I am not on a diet, I have lost 50 pounds becuase of what happened.

Really? He can't piece things together? Your wh is infuriating me!! And I have anger-expression issues! Can I practice on your wh? I think it would be good for him to hear that you aren't "crazy or stretching this out or whatever the hell else he tries to make you think" and it would be good practice for me yelling at wbf.
Everyone remembers differently, I remember numbers. If you pull out almost any card in my wallet, or one I don't carry, I can recite the number on it to you. I can remember dates, I can remember times, I cant remember numbers. If you put a C in the midst of those numbers, I can't do it. I remember numbers. That's my extreme way of getting my point across. But it's true. Hurting's wh can remember photographically (I'm assuming based on the shirt) but he can't remember actions (eating dinner). If your wh learns, remembers by reading, than he's not going to remember as much about ons because I'm sure he didn't read much about it.
Memories are stronger based on the emotions we attach to them. So maybe 5th grade was a big deal to him, I can remember most of my teacher's names. But if there really was no emotion in the ons, it is possible that he just didn't care enough to remember. And like hurting said, I don't think ow's name is all that important in the grand scheme of things. I found out a month after dday (I didn't want to know, I guessed it) the name of OW. I had attached her to a name and it wasn't convenient so I was telling wbf that "it better not be someone who's name I'll hear everyday, like sara" Yep....I have never met ow, but I guessed her name and I knew from his face I was right. Now, the original name she had was a trigger, which was inconvenient. I couldn't very well go around triggering every time I heard the name sara. It just wouldn't be ok! So I "erased her name", from that point forward (until on and off now) she was STRICTLY and only ever referred to as "her" or "whoreface". (Also note, that in school I was taught to capatialize nouns that were important, no matter what name she has at the time, it is NEVER capatilized) Those were her names, that's all there was to it. In the end a name doesn't really mean that much IMO. I have referred to her by sara a few times this month and then we watch "I am Number Four" in which the second main character's name is sara. So while I can hear it a few times in a day and be ok, that movie was HORRIBLE because it was just over and over and over, and wbf was there watching her (not because she was sara of the ons, but because she was a character in the movie we were watching)

He says things like he would be lost without me, and he is afraid that I am leaving. Then he says things like we need to stick it out and try to fix this together and maybe in a couple of years be ok again.

Ok, he can say that, but does he REALLY feel that he'd be lost without you? To me, it seems like he's playing the victim "don't leave meeeeeeeeeee waaaa" I think he needs to really in his heart realize that he could/will lose you if he doesn't shape up. And this is where I always fail. But to be the messenger of what everyone else says, you have to stay firm. Tell him "When you ______, I feel _______. I need _______. If you don't ________, I will ________" The most important part to that is that you follow through with your set consequence. Example- "when you tell me I'm dragging this out, I feel hurt and upset. I need you to be more empathetic and be there for me when I need to talk or I'm having a rough time. If you don't do that, then I will believe that you aren't here for me when I need you and we should separate for a month."
I know you probably feel like I'm pushing S, but I don't want you to think that. I'm pushing for your happiness and I think maybe this will give you some time to think on your own and clear both of your heads. I really do want you to be able to post about how wonderful you are doing because ________ and _____ etc. Try the "when you, I feel..." but customize it to what you think works for you. AND MAKE SURE YOU FOLLOW THROUGH!

this is also a very big thing for me, along with I love you. To say I am sorry or I love you is easy. I will almost always ask Why? It frustrates the hell out of a man who does an awful job of articulating his feelings. However I NEED to hear the meaning behind those words.

Ditto on this for sure! I think there should be a retreat (not a nice one per say...maybe in Alaska) where we can send the WSs and they can learn to be emotionally functional. *day dreams*

PLT,
Out of my territory here again so it's possible that this will make no sense and be completely irrelevant. Also this assumes that you are still planning to S. Can you look at it in a different way? I can't imagine this would be easy, but do you have a length planned for S, or are you just going with it? If you have a time frame, could you see this as a retreat or a PLT -180 vacation? Try to take the word "separate" out of it if that is making it harder.

Apparently I am a sucker for sweet words and kisses. Just wish that actions would actually match those sweet words

Me too, me too.

If MC gives wbf any reason to be wary of MC session #3 (after our individual ones) then I'm sure he's going to have a blankie. Or maybe he'll borrow the curtains. LOL MC #1 I really did maintain a very pleasant situation because I didn't want to scare him out of it. I let him talk for the most part (I did like hearing him have to admit to ONS and how he was feeling) but I was mostly making sure he was comfortable with the idea of mc. That he's not going to back out of it. I don't know how his individual session will go. I have no idea, MC mentioned talking about our individual histories (that's not really my agenda for MY session, but I'm willing to go 50/50 in time) so maybe he'll talk about issues with his dad which he needs to talk to someone about.

has this EA been brought up in MC? From the sounds of it, he is still in contact with this woman because he thinks he is doing nothing wrong ,correct? I am sorry I cant recall, didnt you find conversations or something that seemed inappropriate? Why is he still having contact with this woman, have you told him NC?

So no, we have still only had one session so I haven't brought up the OEA. I do still feel like the ons is the primary concern. And communication. And boundaries. He does see nothing wrong with their friendship (I carry Not Just Friends in my purse at all times so the next time he says "were just friends" I will proceed to whip out the book and try not to laugh out loud at his face ahahahha I've gotten to the point where when it comes to twit (ow of OEA) I just feel vindictive towards wbf via small passive aggressive gestures as noted with the book). So yea, they are still in contact (as far as I believe). The contact has lessoned and wbf is spending time with a tsol-approved friend right now. The conversation's online tipped me off but I found texts that upset me more. I WILL talk to mc about this for sure and I've been waiting to do so. Wbf is very stubborn and when he believes he's right.... anyways I knew that I wouldn't win a NC battle on my own, but with mc saying that "just because it isn't sex, doesn't mean it's ok" I think we'll get there. Also because they aren't texting (which were the main concerns) I like to think that they are on the other side of the bridge? For now at least, and maybe we can make some progress in mc before that bridge gets crossed again.

PARARGRAPHS TSOL PARAGRAPHS!!
I wen't to my first swim practice? Did I mention this? I realized that I wanted to start swimming competitively again (because I suck at all exercises on land and I CANNOT go to the gym and preserve my sanity-think too much) Anyways I went, and while I have 0 endurance I had a lot of fun (ie I'm exhausted) and I'm going again tomorrow!!

I hope everyone is feeling better soon, it seems like were all seeing some of rough spots. I was thinking about the summer, because the clocks change soon. And there's a lot of us with ddays happening in there, I think it's going to be a sad thread at that time -future tsol sends hugs, because she'll be the last of the summer to encounter the dreaded antiversary


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, March 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PLT-

How are things going? Sounds like you were "dipping your toes in the water" there with the whole seperation thing. I guess my question is, do you feel better or worse about the fact that you brought it up but there was no follow through with results? Is it a relief or a sense of feeling trapped again in a ongoing, bad situation?

Have you two considered a trial seperation? Does it have to be all or nothing?

tsol-

you crack me up sometimes with your posts! You are like the enegizer bunny sometimes, I love it!!!!!

The reason I asked about the OEA and if its been brought up is because for me, I think I would REALLY struggle with the continued contact if I were in your shoes. I think for me, it would take precendence over the ONS. That is current bad boundary behavior that shows that he doesn't get how stepping over that line may set the stage to go to something more. Add to the fact that you expressly pointed out your disatisfaction and desire for him to quit this behavior and he has not. Sometimes actions speak louder than words. I dont know, maybe its just how I see things, I could be wrong.

I agree that the summer is going to be hell on here lol. It sucks because it is my FAVORITE time of the year, I love warmth and sunshine :( Sucks its now gonna be associated with this crap!

I am so glad you are back to swimming. Sigh....I need to find a passion to get into to, like Jana and her jewelry, you and swimming, and weren't you guys doing some candlemaking?

jana g ,how are things going?


WTBL- I am with tsol on the consequences for his actions or lack thereof, you have to follow through or you are telling him its ok to continue to disrespect you and not own his shit in all this. Be strong, you can do this!

[This message edited by hurting38 at 4:50 PM, March 9th (Wednesday)]


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
candysmith0705
♀ Member
Member # 30390
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, March 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey ladies! Iíve been gone for a little while but thought Iíd check in with everyone! I am SO far behind in school work that itís just crazy. I was having such a hard time concentrating though, that I just really fell behind. The Cymbalta has really helped with my concentration. So most of this week I was able to really focus on school work and it was great! For the most part, things have been going well. My husband and I have been talking about more than just his stupid mistake (which had been consuming me for so long). Weíve actually been somewhat normal for the last week or so. Itís been really nice. Iím in a much better place right now. Iím not completely healed, but I do know that my husband and I will get through this. I still have moments where this sadness just washes over me; but Iím able to fight through it. I havenít cried in almost 2 weeks (thatís a huge step for me!!!).

Iím with hurting Ė a hobby would be nice. Right now I donít have the time though. I was taking a spin class 3 days a week before D-day; which was totally kicking my ass (but I loved it!). I plan to start those back up once I get back from visiting with my Grandmother.

TSOL Ė our MC met with us individually after our first session as well. She said that it would help her to understand our backgrounds a little bit. Iím very curious to see how your WBF does in his individual session so make sure you let us know! How is he going to make it through the session without you with him?!? LOL! I think it will really do him some good though; and you, too.

As for the summer, we should all try to create some really awesome new memories to take over those dates. You know? Do something positive instead of focusing on what we learned on those dates. Hurting, your date happens to be right around a holiday; so I know that it going to suck. What can we do though to erase those dates from our minds? Any suggestions?


Me - BW (32)
Him - FWH (38)
DDay - October 16, 2010

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2010
candysmith0705
♀ Member
Member # 30390
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, March 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After my last post, I checked my email and got this from my husband:

I just wanted to touch base and let you know how disgusted I am with myself. I also want to apologize again for the pain I have caused. Although I am working on me and trying to not go there too much, I know that you need to hear this from me. I want to reassure you that you are enough for me and you are all I want. I am yours forever. Although I don't like to think about that day, I know I must so that we can truly move on. So I wanted to tell you that I hated it. I hate what I did and that I didn't have enough self esteem to not let that happen. I am a special person and I should not have let that get away from me; that was a difficult time for me, and while it is no excuse, I should have had enough strength to not let that happen. I should have been strong enough to stop the conversation instead of letting it continue. You are the one who makes me feel good. I make me feel good. That did not make me feel good. I am sorry that I hurt you and I am sorry that you have to take medication now as a result of my action on that day. I am sorry for stealing our innocence. I know that I havenít been able to give you all of the details you want but I want you to know that there was no more. I am truly sorry and I will never hurt you again. To end on a good note, I have been very proud of you over the last week. I feel as though we are reconnecting and I can see that you are really trying and I thank you for that. I finally feel as though we are starting to make some headway. I really appreciate your efforts; I know how difficult this is for you. I know that we are going to still have moments when we need a little extra from each other but we are starting to live life again. I am really appreciative of this. I love you so much. Your husband.

It's interesting to me how much more willing he is do this for me now. I mean, it makes sense. Before when he would say things like this to me, I would always lash out at him. So I totally understand why he wanted to avoid the topic as much as possible. It all still makes me sad; so very sad. But as long as I'm still here with him, there's no point in my constant sulking! Fighting him wasn't getting me anywhere. So, for now, I'm trying to be thankful for his apolgies and his sincerity. It helps me get through the days!!


Me - BW (32)
Him - FWH (38)
DDay - October 16, 2010

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2010
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Frustrated  Posted: 11:07 AM, March 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CS!!!!!!!


What a difference! His note brought tears to my eyes. God I wish my FWH was that articulate and I could get a note like that!

It also really appears that the meds are really helping you! I am SO happy and relieved for you !!!

There will be set backs remember but he is there for you to turn into instead of away from.

I am so glad someone is doing well!

Me...not so much right now.

My FWH and I had a brief talk last night. Long story short, while he thinks we are going to be ok and make it, he is concerned (as am I ) of the what that relationship is going to look like. This is stemming from a disagreement we are having about the possibility of him going out on ST patty's day. He is not going to go because it does not mean that much to him but has all but stated that he cant live like this forever..ie..me not wanting him to go out on one of the days where there are the most drunkin messed up people running around who have been drinking all day. He gets off at 1030pm and would not even be out until 11pm! Because I have issue with it and have not before all of this, he is not happy. He wants to know if this is temporary thing, I DONT KNOW. I cant predict how I am going to be in 2 or 3 years.

Without coming out and saying it directly, its the whole heal on my time line not yours. He did said maybe we need to put a timeline on how long before we say we cant do this. I asked him if maybe we need to seperate, and he started to cry and said no, I am dont want to do it, I am not ready for that.

I told him I am putting my self out there after the pain he has caused me, having faith despite what he has put me through that he will not do this again yet when I ask if he can stick it out with me through thick and thin to clean up the mess HE created ans suffer the consequences with me, he cant say yes? WTF?

I know his mind and he is thinking ....he cant give any absolutes and he is afraid things wont get better because we are having such a rough 2 months. So I fear now that every time I turn to him for support or to ask him for something , it breaks our relationship down a bit further.

I just dont think I can go through all this with this hanging over my head about whether the relationship is going to be good enough for him to stay. Or that he cant commit to the for better or worse part of our relationship. I feel like here I am again doing all the work!

I cant go through that...or so I thought.

This a.m. I went over my finances and concluded that I would have to uproot my children's lives (aka walk away from the house-foreclosure, give away the dogs, likely change school districts) to leave. I may initially be able keep the house but as SOON as something breaks, it would be all over. I would also have to get a second job which means even less time with the kids.

I am not willing to do that. I am trapped....

So for the first time in my life, I am dependant on a man.

Lucky him, he cheats and is going to end up getting a relationship that looks just like he wants .

I am going to have to suffer through this without him and swallow my pride and accept this as a sacrifice for my family. I guess its time to hone my acting skills.

Gals, let me say something to you in all seriousness. You can lose a job in a heartbeat and your world can change. Make yourself some kind of emergency marriage escape fund or better yet, dont put yourself in a housing/life situation where you could not manage all the bills without him. Have a game plan because when I lost my well paying job, I should of made contingency plans then. I made the mistake of leaning on him thinking we were in this together.


The thing is I love him and dont want to leave but now knowing I can't makes me feel like a trapped rat.


[This message edited by hurting38 at 11:17 AM, March 10th (Thursday)]


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, March 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cs i hope it as ok, i sent my FWH a copy of your H letter.

this is what i sent him....


I just wanted to touch base and let you know how disgusted I am with myself. I also want to apologize again for the pain I have caused. Although I am working on me and trying to not go there too much, I know that you need to hear this from me. I want to reassure you that you are enough for me and you are all I want. I am yours forever. Although I don't like to think about that day, I know I must so that we can truly move on. So I wanted to tell you that I hated it. I hate what I did and that I didn't have enough self esteem to not let that happen. I am a special person and I should not have let that get away from me; that was a difficult time for me, and while it is no excuse, I should have had enough strength to not let that happen. I should have been strong enough to stop the conversation instead of letting it continue. You are the one who makes me feel good. I make me feel good. That did not make me feel good. I am sorry that I hurt you and I am sorry that you have to take medication now as a result of my action on that day. I am sorry for stealing our innocence. I know that I havenít been able to give you all of the details you want but I want you to know that there was no more. I am truly sorry and I will never hurt you again. To end on a good note, I have been very proud of you over the last week. I feel as though we are reconnecting and I can see that you are really trying and I thank you for that. I finally feel as though we are starting to make some headway. I really appreciate your efforts; I know how difficult this is for you. I know that we are going to still have moments when we need a little extra from each other but we are starting to live life again. I am really appreciative of this. I love you so much. Your husband.

Mr. hurting

I need to know this is truly how you feel? I know you cant articulate things this well, but I need to FEEL this from you somehow if you truly want your wife back. Tears welled up in my eye this a.m. when I read this, wishing it had come to me, not someone else.

You are asking me to heal on your timeline and I canít. I have to let things take its course. I can not heal with you knowing you are not going to stick around depending the results. That is too much pressure I can not bear. For better or for worseÖ..that is the promise we made. How much more of the vow do you get to break ? I am not saying we donít continue to fight and make it better if its not where we want it to be, but I need you to fight for us.

I know you were being completely honest but I feel a bit victimized a second time after last night. My trust that you are there for me to lean on through this shattered.

If I pull back from you right now, please understand its self preservation at this point. Its not a lack of loving you. I DONíT want this to be over and you will NO longer see the sides of me that you have been. You clearly can not handle it and its damaging US. I will get through this on my own without you to lean on for the sake of our family.

[This message edited by hurting38 at 12:01 PM, March 10th (Thursday)]


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
peacelovetea
♀ Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, March 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tsol -- we haven't brought separation up again, its been very surface stuff here this week. I've had migraines and is my last week of the quarter so I am writing a huge paper and WH started a new job on Monday and We've just been nuts. I think we are kind of waiting for MC on Saturday. I don't know how I feel about separating -- it would make this all too real to the kids, who right now know nothing, which is very hard. Otherwise I think I would have suggested it as a break long ago. (Actually, I probably would have just divorced him last year. Sigh.) So tempting, though, to have some peace without him being in my face all the time.

As for you sitch, why are you allowing the EA to continue? That is so not okay. I agree with hurting, that is worse right now than the ONS and shows he is willing to continue to hurt you even if you say no. Why are you tolerating that? Not to 2x4 you!

hurting -- I hate that we are in limbo but I accept that as long as I have hope he will still come through I will be stuck here. But I also know that I am in charge of that, and can kick him out whenever I need to, if that makes sense. So it helps me hold on. I know I would be okay either way. MC on Saturday will be a big deal, though, I think.

I'm dependent too, but cs/maintenance will get me through school and to a real career (and I don't think WH would be a jerk about paying or anything). Is your math not as good? I never worried about being dependent (have been a SAHM for 11 years almost!) but I am now for sure. I am working on school so I wont have to do it any more. I hope you can figure something out soon, its a miserable feeling.

Our latest-- We both just read How Can I Forgive You? (by the same author as After the Affair) and I think this really outlines for me where my issues are. He just read the part for "offenders" but from the few minutes we talked about it this morning he seems to understand where he has failed. I really liked her distinction between Acceptance and Genuine Forgiveness and see that in many areas I have had to go for acceptance instead, because he wasn't giving me what I needed to truly forgive. And while that was good for me, personally, it did not draw us together or heal the marriage. It explains why I feel so in limbo, in a lot of ways. And reaffirmed to me that I am doing what I need to be doing in order to grant forgiveness, and that I wasn't being stingy to say "this is not enough". So that was really good. I am hoping that now that we've both finished reading the relavent bits that we can discuss it tonight.

Jana, how are you?

[This message edited by peacelovetea at 9:16 AM, March 19th (Saturday)]


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
candysmith0705
♀ Member
Member # 30390
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, March 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurting Ė Iím sorry things are so difficult for you right now. And to be honest, at this point, I donít think itís very fair that he even suggested going out on St. Pattyís Day. Iím sure his intentions arenít bad; however, given the nature of your relationship the past few months, it just seems a bit inconsiderate to me that he would even think that was ok (sorry, just being honest!).

he cant give any absolutes and he is afraid things wont get better because we are having such a rough 2 months.

What about you, the faithful spouse? Doesnít he know that you are afraid of the same thing?

In the healing library, there is an article in there about coming out of your comfort zone. Maybe you should send that to your husband, too. I understand that he might not be as forthcoming with his emotions, and yes, that might just very well be his personality. But in this situation, not only would you benefit from him stepping outside of his comfort zone, but he would too. When he makes the same effort as you (actually, he should be making MORE effort), then perhaps next year you wonít have a problem with him going out on St. Pattyís Day. So youíve benefited because heís given you what you need, and he benefits because you trust him to do those kinds of things.

ď the going gets tough, the tough get goingĒ! Youíve shown your strength through all of this, now he needs to show his Ė so tell him to ďget goingĒ and fight for you.

I think I mentioned some time ago that I told my husband that just because he sees me trying DOES NOT mean it is okay for him to start slacking. I told him this because I know him all too well. I knew that as soon as I started to put forth a little bit of effort, he would assume that everything was okay and just go about business as usual. So I told him that when Iím trying (like now), that means he needs to try even harder. Otherwise, Iíll shut down and pull away again. His efforts encourage me to continue to work at this. And while I certainly donít want the rest of our lives to revolve around apologies and reassurances, for right now thatís what I need to keep going. So, your husband is afraid of what your relationship will be like in the future. Well, if he puts forth any kind of effort, it will be BETTER than what it was before (and you both already know that it was good before).

So for now, before you pull away too much, tell him everything you want and need (yes, Iím sure youíve done this already), and give him time to see if he comes around (consistently). I wish I could offer you some real advice, but Iím just now starting to come into my own with all of this!

Let us know if he responds to you and how he handles it!

[This message edited by candysmith0705 at 12:48 PM, March 10th (Thursday)]


Me - BW (32)
Him - FWH (38)
DDay - October 16, 2010

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2010
hurting38
♀ Member
Member # 29829
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, March 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys for the support.

And to be honest, at this point, I donít think itís very fair that he even suggested going out on St. Pattyís Day. Iím sure his intentions arenít bad; however, given the nature of your relationship the past few months, it just seems a bit inconsiderate to me that he would even think that was ok (sorry, just being honest!).

Agreed! And in all fairness to him, he has gone out with his BF a couple of times since d day and never got this kind of reaction from me so he would not of asked had I not oked him going out before. Its hard for him because he really does not understand why I would be concerned about this day in particular. I told him I am always concerned whenever he goes out with friends (which is not been that much) I just think the rampant drunkeness in this town on this day is just too much for me and will trigger me.

What about you, the faithful spouse? Doesnít he know that you are afraid of the same thing?

Yes he does but it doesnt restrict my life in obvious ways ie...i am not the one that has hoops to jump through,restrict activities. He is not insenstive to my pain and knows he caused this mess, dont get me wrong but he and I are already struggling a bit on control issues so I think that is again at the core of this.

PLT- we have been together for 5 1/2 years, living together for 4 1/2 and married only 1. I have worked the entire time. There is NO way a judge would give me maintenance. I make about 2,000-3,000 or so too much a year to qualify for food stamps ,daycare help etc. for a family of three.
The prospects are terrible right now,been looking for "better" work since 2008. With cutting all non essentials from the house, it would leave me approx 200 ish a month for misc. expenses, ie. any activities/sports/school function money needed/lunch money/haircuts /clothing replacement-you know the incidentials that add up. That 200 would also need to cover auto repairs, and any recreational money for the month too. This is also assuming I can get our grocery bill down about 20% .

So as you can see, it would take one 'uh oh' and the house of cards would fall. It would take the water heater to go out or the furnace to stop working or a medical bill and it would just crumble.

If things get bad enough, will I walk away, but this would all be SO much easier if I knew could cover things without my children or myself having to suffer too much without him. Not to even mention how attached they are to him.

The bitch is financially, man he would be so set! His income will only continue to go up once he is done with this degree. The degree that I helped him get by supporting him when he had to work at Best Buy(when he couldnt find work) and was going to school and not paying me a dime because he really couldnt. Or the first year we lived together when he quit his job (by our mutual agreement) so he could go back to school but then couldnt find a work for almost 7 months. I have not moved forward on post grad work to get him through this first because it was the best for our family.

Ok, I am ranting now, lol.

The fact of the matter is I can complain all I want about the money crap and being stuck but I am hear more so because I love the asshole

yikes!

I came home for lunch and we talked. We talked about the fact that I cant live under the pressure of worrying that our R is not going to be "good enough " for him in the end.

He did make a good point that I ask him to be honest with me about how he is feeling and when he does it usually ends up in an emotional mess with us. :( How do you deal with that, i want him to share but this shit happens?

He did state that while I have roller coaster of emotions, so does he to a certain extent(again another good point). The frustration about the situation, and the restrictions got to him last night. He said he is here for the long haul and he knows this is what he wants.

I dropped the bomb on him saying I think we should seperate at this point,that I needed to heal without him.

I told him I would not rake him over the coals in a divorce, I just would want him to leave as much as he could of our property here for me(and the house-not an issue) and the kids since he will be in a position to buy that stuff again real soon and I will not be. I pointed out the fact that he would be in a much better position without me financially and emotionally.

I gave him an out.

He turned and looked at me with a shocked look and said "I dont think we should do this. And do you really think I would be better off emotionally? Yeah I will be financially but we are not still together because of money issues, there is so much more here for both of us and we have more good days than bad." "You are not still here because you cant leave due to finances, just like I am not here because of fear of losing finances" "I get that I cant put a timeline on it, it was my frustration talking last night and I shouldn't of implied that I expected you to give me a timeline".

Then in his engineer like brain, went on to explain very logically why he would not find someone better than me that would compliment him financially so he would not be better off financially either,lol. I swear I am married to Spock. Nice compliments but not all sweet by any means...sigh. Its so him.

SUCH DRAMA!!!!!

I dont want to make it appear like he is heartless, more like clueless sometimes . I definately know he is not trying to "get away with anything" and honestly has no intention of being bad . He does recognize that going out on st pat's day will trigger me and he has no problem not going.

I really gave him an out and he did not take it.

I guess its my demented way of pushing him to "show" me I can be secure with him.

I feel a better and am I bit surprised honestly that he chose this route when I made it so easy for him to walk away.

I am going to look at the healing library CS for the "putting yourself out there" . I think he needs to understand too that its something I am already doing that he needs to do much more of.

Any input or advice is most welcome!


DD#1-7/9/10 WH=32 Me=38
ONS(on 7/5/10) w/ stranger out of town. He confessed,I had no idea.
tt truth 3/22-3/28 true D day #2 3/28/11 cyber A spanning 2 1/2 yrs
3/11/11 d day #3-found texts/phone calls to "friend", its an exit affair.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: ILLINOIS
candysmith0705
♀ Member
Member # 30390
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, March 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's the link:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/comfort_zone.asp


Me - BW (32)
Him - FWH (38)
DDay - October 16, 2010

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2010
candysmith0705
♀ Member
Member # 30390
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, March 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurting Ė it is a lot of drama, huh? And before all of this my husband and I used to talk about how our life was so ďdrama freeĒ unlike everyone else we knew. Look at us now!!

I know your husband isnít insensitive or heartless; I didnít mean to imply that he was. I understand that it is just his personality type. I know you love your husband; and he loves you. The two of you just have very different ways of handling things (emotionally). This is often the case between men and women, but for some people, it is even more of a challenge (which appears to be the case with your husband). Itís not a ďwrongĒ way to be; itís just not a way that is conducive to your healing. His words may not have been ďall sweetĒ, but he was being honest with you. And in his own way, he did reassure you that he wants to be with you. Now, you know that this is his way. You said, ďitís so himĒ. So youíre obviously familiar with this. So what is it now that is making you want to run away? I think it is your way of ďpushing himĒ, as you mentioned. Yet in knowing that, donít be too surprised when he doesnít necessarily react the way you want him to (because you do know him and his ways). On the other hand, I think that it would be very beneficial to both of you if he tried to step outside of his comfort zone; even if itís just a little bit. Providing emotional support in a marriage is a must and we all have to make sacrifices to make our marriages work (even without infidelity). Did the two of you read the 5 love languages? If not, that one might be really good for him (I know it really helped my husband!).

Iím glad you feel a little bit better. I wish I could give you some better advice/suggestions, but Iíve barely got my head above water right now!!! HAHA!!!


Me - BW (32)
Him - FWH (38)
DDay - October 16, 2010

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2010
peacelovetea
♀ Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, March 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurting -- Glad he said the right thing! I hope that your talk can help you both.

Agree on the drama -- we used to be drama free too. Now?


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
hard_yards
♀ Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, March 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Hurting, sorry you're having a rough time honey, big hugs.

I know what you mean, it sounds like such a simple thing, go out with a mate for a drink, but being on the other side of what we have makes it a whole different proposition.

Your H has said some very comforting things, re your last post here. He seems to be fully aware of what he stands to loose.

sometimes you have to state your boundaries, and then let go a little, let go of trying to control the consequences.

Rebuilding trust has to start somewhere, you know? would he agree to a time to be back by? What would it take to give you some feeling of security?

I know I won't police his behavior forever, I couldn't live that way, he has to be responsible for his actions, it's up to him.

Thinking of you honey.

[This message edited by hard_yards at 8:21 AM, September 18th (Sunday)]



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1216 | Registered: Apr 2009
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 1:13 AM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey ladies! Sorry I've been quiet. I hate posting and running, and I've been busy at work so I haven't been able to read and reply.

hurting, I'm glad you guys were able to talk and so glad that he's not going to go out on St. Patty's Day. The feeling stuck thing . . . man. That's tough. I know we all want to feel like we're sticking it out because we WANT to, not because we HAVE to. That's important.

I actually think his engineer-speak logical reasons that you guys should be together are kind of sweet. I mean, if it's rational and logical, you know he really means it and isn't just sweet-talking you, right?

As far as the drinking . . . I've mentioned my relief that H doesn't drink anymore. However, this isn't something he does to make me feel better (although that's a happy side effect). He does it because he realized after that night that he CANNOT handle alcohol (this isn't the first case where he did something stupid while drunk, just the worst). I remember you mentioning in the past that you were concerned about your H's drinking. Have you talked any more about that? It seems like he had agreed to cut down, am I remembering that right?

Anyway, it sounds like things have calmed down for you and for that I am extremely grateful!

PLT wow, you guys have so much going on right now with your school and his new job. I hate those times where everything is so busy and you're just in survival mode, keeping your head above water. I hope your last week goes well and he ends up loving his job and things calm down for you guys. How did your discussion go tonight?

Candy Smith, wow, that is one GREAT letter your husband sent you! Wow! I'm so glad you were able to respond positively to it this time, that's really great. I'm glad that things are going well for you two!

tsol, when's your next MC appointment? I too would have a big, big, BIIIIIG problem with him continuing contact with the "just friends" chick. I hope you guys can get that resolved. You're so smart and working so hard at this. I feel like he should be doing everything he can to keep you, instead of focusing energy on defending his dumb "just friendship." Bah!

But glad to hear you're swimming! Exercise rocks. I've been trying to do more of it myself and it really helps.

WTBL, how are you holding up?

hard_yards, hello!

For us . . . we're doing better. It's been a rough few weeks for us for sure. I did have a moment of quiet despair this week when I found that he'd changed his FB password.

Let me back up. I guess it was last week sometime when I logged onto his FB and he had three friend requests. One from an old friend, one from the guy who had the booth next to him at the trade show, and one from a woman who was helping the trade show guy. The girl had also "liked" his business page, and attached a cutesy message to the friend request about how this was so-and-so who was helping Rob at the trade show. I think I want to book the package we discussed at that show. I'm stalking you, hee hee! It rubbed me all kinds of wrong. I told him about the friend request when I got home, in a pretty confrontational way. He couldn't remember who she was at first (apparently her FB page is under her maiden name and she's married now, and he knew her married name). I told him I was going to message her back (from his account) and tell her to contact him via his business account (like NORMAL people do when they want to book trips).

So I think it was that night, we got into another argument and he said something about how annoying it was for me to keep checking his phone and his facebook all the time. We ended up having a pretty good weekend despite all that. At one point over the weekend, he logged onto FB and was trying to figure out how to get onto his business page from his personal page (he asked me how to do it but I have no idea).

So then when I tried to log on at work, it said the password had been changed. And my heart just dropped. HOWEVER it had been changed the same day he was trying to get onto his business page. I bet he changed it for that reason.

So I am trying to be calm and cool and stop being Miss Private Investigator. Because, really, his infidelity had NOTHING to do with Facebook. Nothing to do with his emails. Nothing to do with his text messages. Nothing to do with any woman he knew or flirted with or had any kind of relationship with. So I'm trying to back off and give him his space.

Last night he had to go upstairs and send out a quote, and the baby and I were downstairs. He left his phone on the counter, and as he was walking upstairs, I said, "Do you need your phone?" He said, "no, not really." I said, "Take it," and gave it to him. I didn't want it in my face tempting me to look at it. It's a damn blackberry so there's not only texts but his fifty gazillion email addresses (he had two sites for his business, with both his regular email and the "info" emails coming to that phone, plus a yahoo and gmail account, egads).

So I managed to not look at his phone at that point. Then he fell asleep in our bed with his face practically in the laptop. I put the laptop in the floor before I went to bed, but at 4:30 this morning I woke up and I was lying on his phone. DAMN THE TEMPTATION RIGHT IN MY FACE. So I caved and looked at his email. He had several from the FB girl going back and forth with her trying to decide what cabin she wants to book for her visit with her family. And they are all like this:

Girl: OMG! I love Cabin A the best but I love Cabin B too! Squee! Like OMG does Cabin C have a Jacuzzi? Blah blah blah blah!

H: Cabin C has a jacuzzi. Please let me know if there is any more information you need.

LOL. OK, I'm exaggerating a little bit, but my point is, doesn't sound like they have some big friendship and that's why he changed his PW so I'm trying to get the hell over it and quit being a freak.

He's currently trying to expand his business into another town, and we're actually going to visit some friends there at the end of March. He wanted me to see if I could get off work that Friday so we could go down early so he could check some things out, but we've got clients in that day and I really can't. So he mentioned that he wants to go sometime to check things out there, and we could stay for free at this hotel he was working with, but if I can't go, he might take someone else and go there. One of the people he mentioned was the guy from the previous trip. I said, "I thought we talked about you not taking him on any more trips." So we talked about that - he didn't remember that specifically but we had that conversation before he and H talked in the car about the ONS. He said, "Don't be mad at him. You should blame me over him. I am the one who didn't stick to the plan. He was very respectful and understanding about everything."

So the defensiveness and "I didn't do anything wrong" is gone. And I really DON'T have any issue with this guy - it really was the Plan thing that got to me. But it's good for me to know that I am still his first choice for a traveling companion. That makes me feel good, and safe.

We're still adjusting to the new schedule. He's working from home now and baby green is going to daycare two days per week. As I predicted he's not able to get much work done on the days when he's caring for her. So we're shuffling around and getting support from grandparents, but I'm getting killed at work right now so that isn't helping. But overall the adjustment is going better than expected, especially considering that she started a new class at the same time she dropped to part-time.

Sorry to write a novel!

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 1:19 AM, March 11th (Friday)]


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6171 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
hard_yards
♀ Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Jana!!

I read about your problem with the "plan" going awry... sounds like to two of you have thrashed it out for the better.

Great step forward that you are his preferred company for the trip and just how it should be too

As for the changed password...
It's scary how little it takes for us to be thrown back into a mini state of d-day, BTDT.

It's all baby steps, this R, but as long as they are forward steps, lessons learned for the better, and changes that benefit both parties, it's progress.

Thinking of you all on this thread

[This message edited by hard_yards at 8:28 AM, September 18th (Sunday)]



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

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