Itís really too bad that you canít go away with him at the end of this month. I think that would really do you guys some good. Iím sure though, that heíll stick to whatever plan you come up with this time!
Hard_yards Ė youíre so far out. How are things now for you?
Hurting Ė Jana made a good point:
I actually think his engineer-speak logical reasons that you guys should be together are kind of sweet. I mean, if it's rational and logical, you know he really means it and isn't just sweet-talking you, right?
He obviously means well; but like you said, sometimes we just go into that self-preservation mode which makes understanding that impossible!!! Hope youíre doing better today. At least itís Friday!! Is your husband usually more available on the weekends?
PLT Ė sounds like you enjoyed that book. Does that mean youíd recommend it? Iím trying to come to terms with forgiving my husband; but I just canít say ďI forgive youĒ. I donít know if itís because Iím not ready or what. I think a part of me is even scared to not only say those words to him, but to say them to myself. Itís as if Iíd be excusing it and making it okay; and if I do that, then how can I be sure he wonít do it again? Things are going well, but Iím scared if I forgive him, then he wonít try as hard. And if he doesnít try as hard, then what happens next time heís in a funk and the opportunity presents itself? In my heart I know heíd never stray again, but when I think that I remind myself that I thought that once before. GRRRRR. Itís just never ending!!!
TSOL Ė howís your endurance with the swimming now??!!
As for me, Iím just doing my best to keep myself in this frame of mind that Iím in right now. My husband and I havenít talked about ďthat dayĒ (as we refer to it) in about a week now (which is a miracle, considering that I was obsessed with it and wanted to talk about it constantly). A part of me wants to talk to my husband later about a few things (trust issues, boundaries, where his head was at on ďthat dayĒ, how he felt about it, how he feels about it, and all that crap), but weíve discussed a lot of it already. At the same time though, weíve never really discussed it while I was ďsaneĒ. So, do I leave it alone and keep doing what Iím doing, or do I risk my mental state and attempt to talk to him about it later? Seriously, when does all of this stop? When do we get to just live life and not think about ďthat dayĒ? Sometimes itís all just so fín irritating!!!!
That's REALLY cool that he deleted his female friends, wow! That man takes the initiative!
I reached a point where we'd be having a good day, and I would have a question pop up in my head and feel the impulse to ask it. Then I would stop and think, we've covered this, there's no new ground, and I don't want to get in the emotional state that we get in when we discuss this. So I let it go. I think if it's ground you have covered already and you're making the decision to let it go because you just don't feel like talking about it, rather than fear of his reaction, then it's not really rugsweeping, it's moving on and it's healthy. Just my opinion!
OK I went back and read what you wrote again . . . maybe it would be good to actually have that conversation since you are in a calm headspace right now. I know the conversations go wayyyy differently when I'm calm.
Hi my name is Jana and I like to contradict myself.
I think it was something that hardyards said that got me thinking last night about just having to step back and give them some freedom. The weird thing was he has been out a couple of times since d day he has gone out, we managed and it was ok so why this time?
I had to really ponder this time. I still stick to my feelings that many are out and start early drinking on that day. However, it dawned on me that this was shit being brought up from my past with my ex(the father of my children), not about FWH.
In summary, drinking, a big issue with XH, binge drinking. Wouldnt drink for months and would go out to "have one" and come home at 4 a.m. so drunk he is vomiting all over our house. I would be up all night worrying about him(we didnt have cell phones then) and I would be the one up early the next morning taking care of our first son who was a baby then by myself.
My ex would have done exactly what my FWH was suggesting he do on st patty's. Go out after work on a weeknight. I think when my FWH mentioned it brought up all that shit. I remember now thinking for a millisecond an image of me having to get up the a.m. after st patty's with my drunk current husband laying passed out next to me because he was out partying all night. I think it just triggered me, I didnt want to end up there. Its my shit ,not him.
Now, in all fairness, the crap with him getting drunk on our wedding anniversary did happen. With him knowing what happened in my first marriage, he has since been really good about following what we set up. Since that time, he has stuck with his word of no mixed drinks when he is out, beer only. He even did that while he and I were out for mexican, had a beer instead of a margarita. I questioned him and he said because of our agreement. When he is home and if he wants a mixed drink, that is fine with me too, but its a two drink maximum. So I am comfortable with the progress.
Jana-glad you were the first choice, it makes you feel so much better to let him go.
I SO get your whole FB thing. That was brought up in conversation that night about he hopes to one day have his passwords back. When I asked him why that was important, he stated I dont know why , I have never been comfortable with it and I dont want yours. Again a control thing.
I dont know how that will play out but I truely do see both sides here. Like you, my WH did not use these as devices to have an A. I think it is one of the negatives of SI. I am also paranoid about a workplace A since it happens so freaking much!!!! The ironic thing is he works in a technical job with technicians and engineers. The most predominant gender is male!!!
I do think SI for the most part is good, but honestly more and more I wonder if I should just stay off the main pages, I question at times if it really helps my healing to see what could be happening that is not.
My FWH's comments were nice just not the typical things a gal wants to hear, but I did thank him for saying those things to me. I dont think I knew he felt that way about me . I do know him and know it really was a compliment and very sweet in his own way,lol. Sometimes the things you love about thing is the same thing that infuriates you!
[This message edited by hurting38 at 11:51 AM, March 11th (Friday)]
Woke up this morning totally depressed though. Something we identified is that for some of those "tasks" he is too late, the window where it would have really made a difference is gone. And then I start thinking, you know what? I DESERVED his attempt to wholeheartedly earn my trust back. I needed that. And the fact that we are almost two years out and he still isn't 100% throwing himself into it... Why am I still here?
I really think I'm at a point where this is his last go. I was willing to give him time to figure his shit out, but that window is closing now too. Either he can show me how much he thinks I am worth to him, or I will go find someone who knows how fab I really am, you know? Cause I'd rather be alone with my wonderful self than be with a guy who doesn't know how great I am. (See what all that IC has done? lol)
Seriously check out that book, though, guys. So helpful.
ETA: Oh, and just like he doesn't have a reason for why he had the ONS, he doesn't have a reason for why he didn't do the work.
[This message edited by peacelovetea at 12:24 PM, March 11th (Friday)]
Iíve decided Iím not going to try to talk to my husband. The only purpose it serves is fueling my crazy obsession. At some point I have to draw the line for MYSELF! I just hate thinking that Iím letting him off the hook. Meanwhile, for the last 4 months Iíve treated him horribly; so itís not as if heís had it easy!
I actually just sent him a text about an hour ago saying that ďI just canít believe this is our life now. I never would have believed that this would be us. Sometimes it makes me sad.Ē It was just a moment that came over me and I had to say something before I lost my mind (wait, have I really found it?). Anyway, he texted me back and said all the right things. Then about 5 minutes ago he sent me another text and said ďIím on my way homeĒ. When I asked why he said ďbecause my baby needs meĒ. So I guess he managed to sneak out of work for the rest of the day.
Hurting Ė Iím glad your husband is willing to try the 5 love languages for you. I think it will really help him understand!! Iíve also wondered if SI is perhaps making me crazier than what I already am (given the severity of some situations); and perhaps it even allows me to continue to dwell on things. Iíve tried to limit my use and stick to this thread, and I most definitely stay out of the ďJust found outĒ forum. I am not mentally stable enough to be able to handle that one. In fact, last weekend a poster on SI had a second D-day and after I read about it, I just knew that my husband was keeping something from me, too. I kind of went off on him and basically told him that because someone else had kept secrets from their spouse, that he was capable of it, too. Totally not true though. Weíre all different people with different situations and different lives. It was unfair of me to accuse him of hiding things from me just because I saw that someone else had done so on SI. Fortunately I recognized that before I packed my shit and left because of what someone that I donít even know had done!!! Oh the craziness of all of this!!!!! Sometimes I really just have to laugh at myself because I am just so completely insane.
Well, hubby will be home soon. I hope everyone has a great weekend!!!!! And Iím looking forward to more positive notes on Monday!!!! We're ordering in tonight (I don't feel like cooking), and have plans with our daughter. She wants to play "just dance" on the wii (super fun!), play scattegories, and watch a movie. She's very good at letting us know what SHE wants to do (must be an only child thing!). But I'm looking forward to it!
I actually just sent him a text about an hour ago saying that ďI just canít believe this is our life now. I never would have believed that this would be us. Sometimes it makes me sad.Ē
I think there is a difference between this above and blasting him with questions and specifics about the ONS and all the obsessive thoughts you have had about the incident itself.
The blasting you needed at the time to process the information you received about the ONS itself. I think your mind has finally processed it as much as it can and the new thoughts like the one above are more about the emotional fallout of the event. I personally think these ARE the things you need to share with H so he can help you heal. Especially since he has been knocking it out of the park lately!
Dont frustrate yourself about reaching out to him when the emotions stir up, I think it will bring you two together.
I just hate thinking that Iím letting him off the hook
You are not letting him off the hook. You are letting go of the need to allow the ONS to take front and center in your lives during every waking moment. None of our ONS deserve that much power yet until we are ready to start making the effort to push them off center stage, we can't heal properly.
I found it super useful to clarify what exactly it was I wanted from him, and where I was on the acceptance vs forgiveness (eg having healed independently vs healed together). He listened to everything I had to say and agreed or apologized and had some thoughts of his own on the section he read. It was productive and I think gave him info he needed to understand my position.
I think this is a really good distinction and it really speaks to your situation in particular. I am glad you found that book and its been a positive experience for the both of you.
really think I'm at a point where this is his last go. I was willing to give him time to figure his shit out, but that window is closing now too. Either he can show me how much he thinks I am worth to him, or I will go find someone who knows how fab I really am
Sounds like you have defined your perimeters for R at this point and know what is acceptable. The question is ,does your H know this specifically? Have you spoken these words to him?
What a week for all of us!!! I am looking forward to spending my time with my FWH and celebrating my baby's 7th birthday tommorrow. Good God though Chuck E Cheese with 8 children. Thank goodness they have beer,lol!
Hope everyone has a great weekend.
[This message edited by hurting38 at 4:30 PM, March 11th (Friday)]
On another note, I just had a total crash and burn episode. My husband and I have been riding our bikes to the beach every day when he gets off work. Well, itís spring break week and because we live in such a high tourist area, Iíve been getting super annoyed with the stupid college freaks. When we ride by the beach, I cringe at the thought of my husband looking at these young girls in their skimpy bikinis with their ass crack hanging out. I know that I look good in a bathing suit and I NEVER used to feel this way before. But this whole incident has just kind of damaged my self-esteem a little bit (working on it though!). Anyway, so we were riding through the huge crowd of idiots and I was just pissed. Not for any reason; just because I felt being pissy. So we finally pass through the crowd and come around to the street we take to get home. Well, Iím jamming out with my ipod, still pissed as ever, and managed to hit a dip on the sidewalk, lost control of my bike, went off the curb and slid into the street. I was inches away from being hit by a car (well, maybe it was about a foot). The car actually stopped because they thought they hit me. Itís funny because about 2 months ago I would have prayed for the car to hit me (well, I guess that isnít really funny), but this whole incident TERRIFIED me. It didnít hit me at first; my husband came running over trying to see if I was okay but I jumped on my bike and took off. After about 2 minutes of riding, it hit me and I got all shaky. I stopped my bike (at this point weíre in front of the high school and the kids are just getting out of school) and I sat on the grass and just cried hysterically. It hit me at that moment how scared I was. So here I am, all bloody and scratched up, sitting on the side of the road sobbing uncontrollably. Cars driving by, kids walking by, and I was a mess. My husband was of course worried. He didnít know if I was hurt or what (because I couldnít get any words out). Finally I managed to get myself up and we rode back home. What a freaking mess though. I got a little dinged up but more than anything I was just so embarrassed. Again, embarrassment is not a feeling I would have experienced if this same incident would have happened a year and a half ago. So why now? Ugh. Anyway, Mr. Smith is doing a fine job of taking care of me now and I'm looking forward to the rest of the weekend (although I'm going to have to scratch my pedicure plans because my ankle is all messed up). Oh well!
PLT Ė we are all fabulous, huh? We should get some kind of award!!!
Hurting Ė have a great time at your little oneís birthday party!!!!
[This message edited by candysmith0705 at 5:03 PM, March 11th (Friday)]
I'll start off trying to explain because I don't think I've done a good job at all of doing that. Things have been going wonderfully the past 3 days and pretty good for maybe a week. I think a lot of this has to do with swimming (my endurance SUCKS by the way! I can do a quick 50m, but after that I start to flail and sink-it's a work in progress especially considering I've been a bump on a log for almost 10 years!), I just feel better about myself, which leads me to be able to feel better about R. (Lala and I never actually got into candle-making, actually I think she tried once. It never stuck though). Tonight I also started decorating old shoe boxes that I use to store my random junk so now they look prettier. Back on topic. My reading order when I come to SI goes
-JFO if I feel helpful for optimistic (usually leave sad, but have been doing better)
-General where I get more upset, even if I wasn't before I come to SI
-Recon where I try to remember how I was feeling
-WS when I get mad
-ONS where I'm a clusterfuck of crazy
I've revised this and now I go mostly to R, WS and F&G (still JFO if I feel ambitious in my world saving endevours) But I find General just puts my mood off so I'm avoiding it.
So my intention might be to come on and tell you guys about how wonderful the world is, but by the time I get alllll the way down here it's all kind of cloudy.
Now for the ea, I REALLY haven't explained that much, I try not to because it's not the focus here. But here I go. Wbf made the account last February. I have reason to believe they have been speaking as long as 8 months. My classification of it, isn't very accurate, it's the "most appropriate" short form I could find. Long form, in all of it's non-existence is "an non-romantic online emotional affair". There has never been any talk of them sharing feelings for each other, love, or anything that would make me classify it as a romantic thing. I don't think wbf has those feelings for her. But I do think they are (were) too close for my comfort, I feel like they were sharing too much. A lot of this came from me finding stuff. He doesn't know to the extent of what or how I found any of it which is why "dealing with it" will wait till mc. For the past.....2 or 3 weeks now I have seen NO evidence of any contact between them. When I say that I doubt they there is NC what I'm saying is that I aware wbf could be on to me and taken it further underground. I don't really think this is the case but I'm sure you all know that parnoid, it could happen feeling. AND that I don't think they have an official NC set. To me this means that it's undealt with and they could resume at some point. And I will talk to wbf about it in mc. The past few weeks wbf has been spending his free time with a real life male friend who I have -10% worries of what they could be doing when they are together. This friend is A-OK in my books. So, to me it seems that wbf's friend focus has shifted from Twit (aka inappropriate friendship) to his other friend. And while his A-OK friend is not someone who would be there to listen to wbf vent the way Twit would have, we have been communicating very well. Most of it has been non-A related but if he's upset he's been talking to me. Which makes it so much easier for me to feel comfortable talking to him when I'm upset. I've made some requests of him on how to make me feel more special and so far he has obliged. We have discussed our LLs and how to better work with them. We've discussed sex issues which we haven't really been talking about. We really are doing well and the majority of the days recently I've spent pretty happy.
Iím trying to come to terms with forgiving my husband; but I just canít say ďI forgive youĒ.
I think you can talk about it when you feel you need to or you feel comfortable doing so. Our talks of the subject are definitely less frequent but I do still worry about risking both of our mental states when I bring it up. I'm so sorry about your bike accident!! I hope you are all right.
Feeling trapped does suck and I'm sorry you felt that way. I'm glad you are doing better though! I think the LL really help wbf and I understand each other better. He's words of affirm and I'm quality time, but as we talk about what they mean to us specifically, were slowly getting better at using them. Good luck at the party!
I'm sorry things have been so rough. I'll definitely add the book to my reading list. Which is longer than I am tall because I haven't been reading ....like at all. Which is so weird for me. I spoke to one si member and we decided that as part of R, our WSs should be expected to take us on a vacation to wherever we wanted.
I contradict myself too
Although I think if we ever decide to plan a meet up for this thread I am voting for whereever in florida CS lives lol!!!! That is if CS can stop playing in traffic and manage not to get herself killed (glad you are ok!)
Have a good weekend ladies
I hope everyone had a good weekend
So, we go back in 2 weeks. WH and I haven't really discussed it yet, beyond WH saying he doesn't like it but would do it if I felt I needed it. He hadn't really considered it a possibility before, he said, which kinda floors me as we have talked about D on and off for like a year now.
I'm a planner so I want to make a plan as though we are going ahead, see how I feel about that. I am so worried about the kids, making it "public"...
Then he threw it back on us and said, talk about it, see what you think.
It sounds like you are wanting to move in that direction? Is it what YOU want? Not what is best for the kids or what others will think? Is it what YOU want?
Question #2, do you think it will help you clear your head to consider R or is it just a way to "peel off the bandaid slowly" instead of ripping it off(end result being D)?
It is interesting that your relationship with WBF has been on an upswing these past couple of weeks and you are not finding evidence that they have been in contact during that same time. It sounds like he is turning to you instead of her in his time of need. That is good!
I am glad you will be addressing the stuff you found in counseling soon. The fact he started a secret account alone is an issue and unacceptable! I hope WBF continues to do the right thing like he has been.
We had a pretty good weekend. We are still working through our readjustment to being married and the financial stuff that goes along it. For some reason, its been a slow process for us to join our finanaces. We had a test of it this weekend about financial priorities and although we dont see eye to eye on some things, we worked things out just fine.
Funny we have been together going on 6 years and living together 5 ish yet only since our marriage have we truely combining things. I have to remind myself that this is really the first time by FWH has merged himself with someone else financially. He was married very young virtually straight out of boot camp and they were not married long enough to even merge their personal belongings let alone everything else! I have had more experience being married lol, so I forget that this is a new experience and a bit unnerving to him.
Anyway, we managed to work things out. My son had a wonderful birthday party with some of his friends and my FWH and I even got to meet out some of his friends that were down from Chicago for dinner. Seems trivial but it is really a luxury for us to be out with others together at the same time due to his schedule.
I am feeling better about our situation, although I still dont like the thought that I can't just easily leave without greatly disrupting things. I do know me though and I will leave before I would stay. I was 3 months pregnant and had a 2 year old when I left my XH and moved out, so I know I have the strength to do if need be.
I just hope I never have to do that all again ,was not fun.
[This message edited by hurting38 at 9:56 AM, March 14th (Monday)]
My husband had a ONS with a prostitute nearly 4 years ago. During the intital days after Dday, one of the comments he made to me in answer to a question was, "Why" - and his answers were a) it was everyman's fantasty, b) wanted to know if he was missing out on something, etc. and the usual BS given by WS's who just haven't gotten the magnitude of the destruction they've caused.
Anyhow, I asked him the other night, so, what if you found out that you WERE missing out on "something" (aka sex-wise). What did you plan on doing? Divorce me? Leave me? Stay in Brazil with your prostitute? Continue "getting what you were missing out on" once back here in the States with OTHER prostitutes?
The absolutely dumbfounded and shocked look on his face made me realize that his ONS took less forethought on his part than a fart.
He hadn't really considered it a possibility before, he said, which kinda floors me as we have talked about D on and off for like a year now.
PLT, when he told you about the ONS, did he expect to be kicked out? Divorced? Or did he seem to think that you would/should forgive him? I'm curious, it seems almost like he doesn't GET how big this is. ((PLT))
hurting, so glad you guys had a better weekend. I know you're strong enough but I also hope it doesn't come down to you leaving. It sounds like you guys really love each other. Combining finances is a bitch. I'm glad you worked out the financial test. My H and I also have different priorities. I think it's because he grew up in a family with plenty of money while my family was less well-off - we weren't poor, but we didn't have a lot of extra. I'm far more of a saver and more cautious, while he just kind of assumes there will always be enough money. Fortunately he defers to me, as I pay the bills and have a greater awareness of where our account balance is (ironic, as the job he just quit was in accounting!)
Great that you got to have a fun time with your son and meet some of his friends as well!
Devestated, I really really truly hope that having sex with a dirty whore isn't every man's fantasy! Sadly, in my darker moods I fear that it is. Ugh.
The absolutely dumbfounded and shocked look on his face made me realize that his ONS took less forethought on his part than a fart.
Isn't it maddening? Isn't it just absolutely MADDENING?!?!
Wh has been home for three weeks and has not even attempted to talk to me.
Is it possible that a person can pretend to be remorseful? Is it possible for a man to pretend when having sex? and yes I mean sex with me. I have so many things going through my head that it makes it hard to focus.
I need to find that one thing that makes me happy that I do not have to share with him.
We argue all the time and when I talk to him I say such mean things and I feel bad, is that wierd?
I told him that the way I look and feel is his fault and the fact that I am forced to make a decision about my life and being with him is his fault, and now all I do is worry that he is going to have another ONS because of my emotional roller coaster.
Do you see why I am tired, I told him during our argument last night that the reason it is taking me so long to feel better is becuase of the things he has said, like the reasons he gives are he was weak, he was not himself and than the last one is he blames me, saying that our relationship was not good, I said it would have been nice if you told me.
He also mentions that if we keep on arguing he will end up hating me and I said I don't care and than I said you got alot of nerve I did not give you an STD so hate on.
The clincher last night was he said I am done talking because I don't want to say something that is going to hurt your feelings, I said it is too late to be concerned about my feelings.
It just awful in this house right now and all I can do is hope that time will make me better even if he can't.