As for us, still NC with WH this week. Spent the first few days of temporary separation going insane on the house -- I repainted the whole living and dining rooms spontaneously on Monday, hauled furniture around and all. House hasn't been this clean in a long time. Our bedroom is the next project. lol Also did some excellent retail therapy and bought some sweet work-type clothes for my new school-induced future, including my very first suit which makes me feel super hot (and all of it was 50% off or more, including the suit!!!)
Had a girlfriend over last night for some drinks, she announced she is getting divorced and her hubby is moving out in a few weeks then we drank some cosmos and both cried.
I am definitely missing him and thinking about him a lot today. Not sure yet if its him in specific, or the idea of him, or the idea of someone. Definitely wondering how he is doing, if he's okay, feeling guilty knowing he is facing a bunch of stuff from his parents' divorce as a kid that he never dealt with, curious how his big work pitch worked out. At the same time, I am enjoying the solitude and my projects. Have realized that largely, my life, my kids' life, is set up the way I wanted it because he was so not here at the time I organized it all. This is my domain, you know? And I like a lot of these parts of my life, and who I am in it.
So I don't know what any of that means. Hoping a few more days will give me more clarity.
I'm sorry about the job, I hope something else comes a long for you. And I hope you continue to feel better, I'm glad your eating again. As for the yeah buts, I've really cracked down on them. And "I'm sorry" without any reason or feeling, I just reply "ok" and continue what I was doing.
I'm glad your week is going well and I hope these days bring you the clarity you need
I'm happy you guys are working well at resolving things as they come up
[This message edited by tsol25 at 11:29 AM, April 7th (Thursday)]
SO I guess my only few updates are I started going to my IC's women's group and there are 3 others. We each have been affected by infidelity to different degrees and it's really been an eye opener to talk with these girls about situations that I can relate to 95% of the time. We talked about how hard it is as women to leave a relationship because we often try to see the best in it even if it's a dangerous one; we also tend to take care of others at the exclusion of ourselves AND women tend to be co-dependent. One girl and myself both have gotten to the point where we are standing on our own two feet (she's leaving her bf I think whereas I'm still with mine) but we don't feel that "need" or that "pull" to stay with them. I turned 22 this past Saturday (Hurting, I'm sorry that day wasn't a good one for you ) and recently OW#3 (she was an ego-boosting online thing) contacted wbf again after 3 months- she contacted me once a month since Jan. trying to get "permission" to talk to wbf.. when I finally ignored her like wbf and I agreed I should do, she contacted him! He proceeded to be "nice" and tell her they were still friends and to not text him but he would text her when things got settled. Well she bitched me out after I asked her why she was continuing to pester us when she should've moved on like a million years ago and wbf told me the beauty of his plan was he never planned to text her but he just wanted to be the nice guy. I know what you guys are thinking because I thought it too- "why the F is he concerned about her feelings when he should be concerned about mine?" I pointed that out and lo and behold guess who contacted him later? HAH anyways she was bitching me out so finally I told wbf "you need to tell her NC with either of us" so he did. she is SO two-faced!! She was like "oh I didn't mean to cause any trouble" to wbf and to me she was like "bitch are you happy??" I was like "yes " haha anyways now she just sent wbf yet ANOTHER friend request on MSN to the account she thinks I know nothing about (I got on it and pretended to be him in like early Feb. to find out what she wanted and she asked if it was lala or wbf and I said it was wbf bc lala didnt know about this account) She's so insane!! Anyways, now there's apparently another chick from back then who liked wbf and she recently got in contact with wbf. This is where it gets crazy- she contacted him friday. saturday was my bday and he told her he was at work. saturday evening I drove to his house to discuss what to do with my bday present from him as it didn't work right (computer software I wanted) and by magic his phone was blinking so I picked it up and it was this girl! So wbf says "I was going to tell you about her but I didn't want to do it on your birthday" Now I don't know what he was thinking my reaction would be but judging from the fact that he was waiting until it was after my birthday, he thought it'd be bad. I didn't know who the F this girl was and I said I didn't want him talking to her either. Wbf has had issues recently with feeling like he's not in control of his life because he lives with his parents still and the fire department hiring process keeps changing and now he won't be hired when just 2 weeks ago he was guaranteed a spot in the second group of cadets. We got into fights, etc but in the end I told him he had to pick me or these other people. He picked me and it's taken this whole week but finally we are talking like normal again rather than it being strained. I talked to this girl and she was nice and my gut says nothing was up but I didn't appreciate being referred to as "i'm going to work" rather than saying "its my gf's bday so I'll be busy". ANY kind of lies about his plans when they involve me bring me back to his old days of lying and cheating so naturally I react to that rather than taking the time to see what my gut says. I ignored my gut the first time and I can see I'm quick to do that again. OW#3 has aways made my intuition perk up that something was up on her end but anyways wbf and I have plans tomorrow to talk about the future and what's been going on. All of this has taken place over texting and a few phone calls so in person will be much easier. Since I gave him that ultimatum he hasn't texted back to this new girl's texts. I feel bad because she's nice but she understood when we talked why she was looped into the group of "enemies" as I call them. I feel like it's strictly platonic but I feel like wbf should've been up front with his plans on Saturday and he shouldn't have deleted the texts, regardless of his intentions to keep me from finding out when he wanted to tell me himself.
Anyways that's whats been up. Sorry I typed in one large block but gottah ead off to class!!
forgiven and in R :)
"To err is human.
But should I? I know he's staying away because I told him to. I just am afraid that I don't want to talk to him because I want to but because the uncertainty is making crazy and I want to FIX IT -- our old pattern, where I swoop in... he's supposed to be "driving" the relationship in the "new marriage" so I need to learn to let him do it... but if he doesn't know I want him to talk to me, then he won't. Should I just wait it out, maybe its like detox? My own fog?
I don't know what to do. Why did my IC go on vacation this week of all weeks?!
Is this healthy want to talk or old pattern want to stop the anxiety?
I'm not sure if you would feel the same way, just think about it more than I did if you want to break NC. Don't do it because you feel alone, that's what your girlfriends are for, they can probably offer hugs too. Don't break it if you want to because it seems habitual, you can catch up on work stories at the end of the week. I'm not sure what situation I would say, yes I think you should talk to him, just make sure if you do, you won't regret it
I would describe my FWH as a loner. He has me, our kids and my family to some extent. He is very estranged from his family (their doing, not ours). He has "acquaintances" from work, but no friends. No one he goes out with, or calls, or does things with.
Now you've got me thinking. And, if you don't mind me asking, what connection are you looking for here? I'm just curious about your theory since this seems like it might be a big thing for my situation
Is this healthy want to talk or old pattern want to stop the anxiety?
I am very much like you in I want to have a decision and move on...in limbo kills me too.
From what I recall of your situation, the primary reason for seperation was not to "defog" him (like mine is currently) but for you to have time apart to decide what you want. I agree with tsol, i think its normal to want to be back to "normal" but I think you need to think hard about WHY you want to contact him?
Do you miss him because its the norm and comfortable? Is it because of the kids( i know mine are putting pressure on me because they love WH so and just are too young to understand what is going on).
If you are lonely, use your outside resources to support you . The anxiety you are feeling is normal , but utimately you need to think about what is it exactly you hoped to get from this seperation and follow that line of thinking.
devestated- ditto with my WH--exactly as you described.
jana-glad you guys are working through things...marriage is rough ,especially communication.
tsol- the fact BF didnt want to cut them sounds like a positive thing. Remember the roller coaster will continue !
cant give much advice other than nip this thing online in the bud, learn from my mistake of trusting too much. He was skilled at hiding it, I just got lucky.
update on me....
WH started counseling with my counselor who is great!! He and I had virtually no contact under last night when we talked. He has been lurking on fb, i see him pop in and out, hoping I think I will talk to him. He called to say he was sorry about the job thing and we talked for awhile.
He seems mostly out of the fog at this point which is good. He has been taking the iniative this time around and volunteered some information about counseling that was really insightful. I think he is more accepting of the fact that this a coping mechanism related to feeling out of control in his life that has crossed over into a hard to control compulsion. He is not ready to use the word addiction and it sounds like the counselor was careful not to spook him with that word but said they would treat him the same. Either way,its safe to say if its not already one, it would of quickly moved to one had I not discovered it as evidenced by his increase in explicitness in activities since the ONS despite the consequences. Sheds a whole new light on the ONS,since this activity pre and post dates it. Kinda a slippery slope thing. the internet activity was a gateway to the ONS I think. Frightening.
I guess in reality that makes me no longer relevant with this thread :( but I wanted you guys to know what all was going on.
tsol -- I do wonder if I would regret it. It makes me feel weak to want to talk to him.
hurting -- <i> Do you miss him because its the norm and comfortable? Probably, yes. The friendship part of our relationship works pretty well, usually, and I am missing that. I think I am also feeling anxious about the big "reunion scene" that may result if we don't talk before we see each other on "date night" before counseling on sunday -- getting some sense of where he is and giving him some sense of where I am, would lower the intensity of that. I don't know if that's good or bad.
<i>Is it because of the kids( i know mine are putting pressure on me because they love WH so and just are too young to understand what is going on). </i>
No, my kids are totally accepting that this is a "business trip". They have handled talking to him on their own and haven't missed him too much, honestly. They are used to business travel so they just go on with their lives. I don't believe they have any inkling that things are not well between us, honestly.
<i>If you are lonely, use your outside resources to support you. </i>
I am, a bit. I am in that wierd stage of all my SAHM friends having gone back to work but me not (they mostly stopped after #2 so I still have a little one at home they don't) and my BFF is on vacation this week and has only called once. :( I don't have as much support as I would like. Though I don't think I am missing talking to just anyone as I am talking to him specifically. Which surprises me a little.
The anxiety you are feeling is normal , but utimately you need to think about what is it exactly you hoped to get from this seperation and follow that line of thinking.
<i> I just wanted a break, from the tension we had every day. I wanted clarity on whether I would miss him or not. I think I do! But that's a good thing, right? We also were using it to symbolically represent the "death of the old marriage". I can get behind that. I know what I want to keep of the old marriage but am not sure whether he is capable of what I'd want from the new. Hard to commit to that without knowing if he will follow through or even wants what I want (he "doesn't know what he wants"). I guess I have decided that I want to try again, which I wasn't sure of before, if he thinks he can do it. I wanted NC to maximize or exaggerate the effect of being separated since it was only a week. I've learned that my life will day-to-day but largely the same without him in it, that I don't NEED him, but that my desire to keep my family together, to have one long-term marriage that's lifelong, my hope that we can rebuild new parts onto the stuff that is still working of the old relationship is still intact (I really wasn't sure of that!). So I guess that is what I really wanted to know. I think?
I am actually not entirely certain where we are meeting up on Sunday either. We had talked about going to dinner at a particular place before counseling but we never really firmed it up or set a specific time. I guess we will have to communicate in some way before then. I will be on tenterhooks all day Sunday to see if he texts me before I can't stand it any more and do it first. (Bad PLT, old marriage! Let it die!)
He has to take the lead now. That is my need. So I need to stop and let him do it. Right?
Do we lose respect for them because of the ONS or would we lose respect for them either way?
I am asking these questions because I want to understand my feelings in all of this.
I have a set plan in my head of what to do but have not told him because I believe he would use it against me.
He has said that I may need to live with never knowing who it was, and he as asked me to be his friend again. I have stopped reponding to him when he does that becuase it is stupid for him to think that way.
I just tell myself that if I have to live without knowing it won't be with him and being friends seems to be all we are.
MC said that he knows in his head we are a couple but not in his heart, what does that mean?
I guess no matter how much better I feel I will always have questions, like I know he was not drunk when it happened so why can't he remember?
how is it possible that this man can remember his 5th grade teacher but not a ONS?
Was it a ONS or many ONS?
Are his reasons for not telling me the truth because he does not want to lose me or because he wants to keep the door open to do it again?
Sometimes when he talks to me I just stare into his eyes with a blank look trying to block the sound of his voice, mostly because I know he is trying to do whatever he can to avoid this situation and to me there is nothing to talk about until this situation is resolved.
I feel like it is truly impossible to forgive him for this or trust him again, I feel that way because he thinks I am a fool. To tell me this story about what happened and expect me to believe him and than act like everything is ok as long as we do not talk about it is just crazy. Like all of this is some kind of game.
I have finally reached a point of not being afraid to live without him, I focus on me and what I need and do not consult him when doing so.
It seems like he avoids me and that just makes me angry, how is it possible to be able to do something like this and then when caught not be able to tell the truth?
Whenever we start arguing about it he just stares off at the wall and then says he has told me the truth and that is all he can remember, I asked him how would he feel about me having a ONS and then instantly getting amnesia when asked any questions about it, and he said not good.
I asked him if he realized how impossible it is for me to trust and respect him knowing that he did this, would he be able to and said no.
He keeps saying that we can talk about it when cooler heads prevail, and that he is going through just as much as I am. I just look at him and keep my thoughts to myself and because of that I know one day it is just going to all come out.
It feels like I am living with a stranger, he has a ONS and gives me an STD and I feel terrible and he is ok, how is that possible?
I guess it is becuase he has control of that and I have control of me and niether one of us is willing to give up control, the only difference is I have filled my life with positive things and have maitained an attitude of peace, and when he says it is over I just say ok. I think that throws him off, he would rather see me break down and cry and beg him not to leave which will never happen.
I keep thinking that he has always been this way and I loved him too much to see it, but now with the blinders off the sisappointment has set in and with him not willing to do waht it takes to R I see him for what he really is and I do not like it.
I am still trying to write a letter to him to ask these questions and put a time limit on the answers but have such a hard time with wording, any suggestions?
((PLT)) I think the realization that you can live w/o him but CHOOSE to be with him is important.
I think if you can it would be good to sit on your hands and let him make the first move to contact you. I know I'd have trouble with that, though. I hate unresolved conflict. I always push.
Hurting, I hope you keep posting here and updating us. I think you're relevant! ((hurting)) Good luck!
tsol, I hope something works out for you with the counseling. And I'm so glad you're sleeping!!
lala, ITA that you're doing the right thing trying to nip this online crap in the bud. Gahhh, doesn't the freaking internet drive you nuts sometime?!?! Ironic that i'm saying that on an online forum, right?
Devestated, my H is an introvert, but he does have several good friends who go beyond the superficial "golfing buddy" relationship. He's actually talked to a couple of them about the ONS. So he does have loner/homebody tendencies, but he also has a network of friends.
WTBL, to be honest, I think he is treating you with a complete lack of empathy and respect. I'm basing my opinion also on some of your posts in the R forum. I can't get over the fact that he tells you you're stupid. That is not ok, NEVER ok. I would have a hard time buying the one-night stand story as well without details to back it up. I'm sorry to say that. Generally I like to be positive but I have to be honest, the things you've said about him don't make me feel like he treats you well at all. ((WTBL))
We're doing okay. Tomorrow's my birthday. He gave me a card today (remember how mad I was because he didn't get me a Valentine's Day card?) and a gift card to Express, and then he also gave me a Mother's Day card, randomly (he also bought one for his mom - he has NO IDEA when Mother's Day is. He just saw the section of cards and figured he'd better go ahead and get me and his mom one while he was there. So I haven't opened it yet. My daughter "signed" my cards - she scribbled all over them. Adorable).
I've been feeling somewhat insecure and paranoid. No real reason, just . . . uneasy. I think this is mostly due to the fact that I'm REALLY tired so I'm just sitting on it right now, going to get some rest and see if I feel better. I think it's just a dip in the roller coaster. H is sitting on the floor next to me (I'm on the couch) and I'm SI-ing while he's working. Everything's peaceful. I'm just uneasy. Tomorrow I may feel fine.
[This message edited by JanaGreen at 10:48 PM, April 9th (Saturday)]
PLT Ė Iím thinking of you today and hoping that everything goes well. It seems to me that you needed this break from your H; and that it possibly did you some good. It sounds like youíre still a little unsure though; but I honestly think that is just a way for us to not let go (because we hate to accept what has been done to us and we are scared that it will happen again). I think that when you do finally see your H, your feelings when you see him should answer a lot of your questions. Just take things slow; and as much as you want to just go back to ďnormalĒ, let him do the work this time. It will be good for both of you!
TSOL Ė glad youíre sleeping through the night girlie! Howís the swimming going? Are you still doing that?
Hurting Ė youíre totally relevant in this thread! How far did the online thing go? Iíve tried to keep up with the posts, but I wasnít really clear on that. Was it only talking/flirting? Or was there some ďonline sexĒ? How are you doing otherwise? Your kids? I think about you often and hope youíre doing alright!
JG Ė feeling any better today? Those moods come and go and they just plain suck!
As for me, things have been going well. I donít feel the need to sit on SI all day, everyday; so I guess thatís a good thing. Iím not sitting around wallowing in my misery and everyone elseís! When I got back from Texas, things were a little rough. I was still grieving the loss of my grandfather and I was feeling really uneasy being back home. My husband was patient with me and I guess I came around after I got settled back in. Adjusting is just so damn hard anymore! One little change to my routine and I FREAK! Itís such an awful feeling. Anyway, last weekend my husband and I went out to dinner on Saturday night. It was really nice. The weather was great so we sat outside and ate. I ordered a fruity drink in a souvenir pineapple cup (DORK!). Well, Iíve never been much of a drinker, and this drink was SO strong. After a few sips I actually had to ask the waitress to take it back and put some more juice in it. Needless to say I was feeling pretty happy by the time we left the restaurant. After eating we walked around downtown for a little bit. We stopped in a jewelry store and I saw this diamond necklace that I absolutely loved. In fact, when the lady put it on me I was totally ready to run out of the store with it on!!!! It was pretty pricey though; and totally not in our budget right now, but it did look really awesome on me!!! After walking around we came home and did some skinny dipping in the pool; the water was perfect! All in all it was a great night and a great weekend.
This week was also pretty good. A few weeks ago hubby came home from work one day with a set of golf clubs he had bought me (as a surprise) on his lunch break (it was a whim and he came home and said that he wanted to teach me to play golf so that we could play together Ė cute!). So we went to the driving range a few times; Iím getting the hang of it, I guess. On Tuesday we had planned to ride bikes (no, I havenít crashed anymore since the last time!) and when I went into the bedroom to get my shoes, there was this box inside one of my shoes. Odd. So I pulled it out and immediately I knew what it was Ė the diamond necklace. I couldnít even believe it. I was not expecting that at all; especially given the price of it. But my husband said that he just had to get it for me because he doesnít ever want me to go without something that I ďloveĒ. As usual, here he goes doing everything right. I guess what kills me is he was this way before the ONS. He was ALWAYS good to me. ALWAYS. So how do I really know that things are different now? I mean, I watched him fall apart for a whole year (almost) before he told me. So I know how horrible he feels. But being that he was such a good husband before it all happened, how does he really prove to me now that he is serious. I guess it wasnít really his lack of love for me; but his lack of love for himself (which I didnít know about). How do I know that he feels better about himself now? And how do I know if things arenít good? UGHHHHHH.
We really have been doing well though. We donít talk about it much anymore. In fact, weíve agreed to only talk about ďitĒ on Thursdays and for no more than an hour. Some Thursdays we donít even have anything to say; which is good. But really, itís more about keeping the lines of communication open. And it helps me to know that I will always get my time to talk. So when I think of something, itís easy for me to push it out of my head because I know it can wait until Thursday. And then when Thursday comes around, most of the time I forget the things I had wanted to talk about.
My husbandís birthday is at the end of this month. I bought him a new softball bat that heís been wanting and I was also thinking of writing him a letter telling him that I forgive him. I think that it would mean so much to him. But I am SO terrified to do it. Itís almost like Ė if I forgive him, then he isnít being held accountable for what he did to damage our marriage. Yet on the other hand, I know how wrong that is. Anymore it isnít even about the fact that I am still here; itís more about the fact that he is still here. I have been so completely horrible to him. I have treated him so poorly; yet he took it and continued to be good to me. I sent him the text messages that I told you all about (where I pretended to be the OW); I called him horrible him names; I told him that I didnít want him around our daughter because heís a pervert; I found pictures of the OW on myspace and texted them to him to force him to look at her ugly face; I contacted OW even though I promised him I wouldnít; Iíve been up and down to the point where he has no idea what to expect from me at any given momentÖand the list goes on. I canít believe how awful Iíve treated him. Yet Iím scared to forgive him because then I feel like heíll think he got away with it. Even though he hardly got away with anything given my totally psychotic state of mind these last few months! So Iím torn about what to do about this. In addition to forgiving him, Iíd also like to ask him to forgive me for my behavior. Itís completely uncharacteristic of me to act the way Iíve acted; and it never made me feel better. Instead, I always felt worse. So I know that I need to genuinely apologize to him. What to do, what to do???????
Anyway, I hope everyone had a fantastic weekend!!!!
Still reeling over all of this. he is still living out of the home and started IC last week. Just taking it day by day, if for no other reason than to get my financial affairs in order before cutting him loose. In the meantime, I will wait and see what progress he makes in counseling, although it very well could be too little too late.
I go back and forth every hour about what to do then stop and realize I know what I need and its up to him to provide it for me...he has alot of work to do and quite honestly I am unsure he can do it successfully.
I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I cannot even imagine how you must be feeling. And to think that this was going on when the two of you got married; and continued afterwards. Iím so sorry. Your husband obviously has some issues that he needs to address; and the best way for him to do that is on his own. You canít help him with this; and he has to see (through your actions) exactly what his behaviors could have cost him (you and your kids). I hope that it is a huge eye opening experience for him; and that he does the work he needs to do on himself so that he can give you what you need. It may, in fact, be too little too late (as you mentioned), but I hope that things work out (for you). No matter what happens, it seems that you are doing what you need to do for yourself and your children. Keep doing that!!!
Question, was this cyber thing with the same woman for the whole 2 years? The one that you spoke with?
Hereís to hoping everyone has a great day today! I had an awful dream last night so I didnít get much sleep; and I actually had the same dream the night before. Iím trying to shake it and not think about it, so weíll see! I guess it kind of bothers me though because in the past, I used to have two recurring dreams: the first dream was that I caught my husband acting inappropriately with his boss (who was a female at the time). What they were doing was always different in the dream (and it was never ďsexĒ), but it was cheating, nonetheless. My reaction in the dream, however, was always the same Ė PSYCHO!!! Needless to say, that dream ďcame trueĒ. The second dream was about me and a head injury. The way I got the head injury was always different (car accident, a fall, etc.), but it always ended up with me in the hospital with bandages wrapped around my head. Well, that dream stopped in 2007 when I was diagnosed with a brain tumor and had it removed; and there I was lying in the hospital with bandages around my head. Anyway, I guess the fact that Iíve now had this same dream twice, Iím getting a little freaked. The dream isnít too bad (itís just me and my husband arguing in the worst possible way; screaming at each other and throwing things); but itís still bad and something that I donít want to come true.
It sounds like she and her husband are more fucked up than originally thought. I am pretty sure based on my WH suspicions, that not only was her H aware of what was going on but possibly watching the interaction off to the side without my WH knowledge That is the nasty trash you get when you pick up random nasty pathetic women from the internet.
What a freakin nightmare
edited....sorry it was without my WH knowledge, he thinks her hubby was watching her with him because when WH stepped away after they were done, he heard her whispering and looking over to the side like someone else was in the room.
seriously....talk about feeling even more dirty and pathetic about youself. I hope that digs into my WH real good....nasty!
[This message edited by hurting38 at 3:46 PM, April 11th (Monday)]
We had a talk about the online stuff and he has not texted this new girl (new to me anyways) since I told him to pick between me or these "friends" and we had a good talk this weekend about friends and what's okay and we deleted his old MSN account and OW#3 sent him a new friend request on the account she thinks I don't know about so we deleted it all. I went to church with wbf and his family yesterday and the sermon was about how Jesus doesn't heal everyone because ultimately he'd fail since people die in the end but the real message was something about how believing in God was key to internal healing and how there were bad things in life that happened because when God did help you, you'd appreciate his glory. Anyways I'm not religious but it got me thinking about how if all this had not happened, we would've continued in a downward spiral in an unhealthy relationship without addressing the real issues. I thought about how sometimes it takes something so devastating to come out alive from it. I now appreciate my relationship more, wbf and I are definitely working together more effectively, I am learning alot about myself as well. We are getting back to a better place after the drama and negativity from the phone stuff. Things overall are looking good- wbf got accepted to the fire department which starts paid training in a week, he just got his unused paid vacation hours from his old job that he was let go from for economical reasons in so now he has money and a steady income for the next few months and he's feeling loads of pressure lift off his shoulders
candy, I understand what you mean about the dreams. While mine weren't in any way predicting anything, when my gut felt something was up or when I wasn't satsified with the way a talk went (especially if a talk hadn't happened yet) I would have nightmares and it was very scary and I'd wake up with anxiety all over again. Since I've been on the ADs for anxiety, I can now see when something truly does bother me as apparently my sleep is extremely sensitive to any anxiety.
Hurting, how are things going?
candy, that was so sweet of him to buy you that necklace.
I don't think forgiving him means you condone what he did. I remember struggling with that too. Forgiving him doesn't mean you think it's ok. And I don't think forgiveness is a switch you flip. It's more like . . . an ongoing process. Please don't be hard on yourself for the things you did. You were given a VERY good reason to do those things ((candy))
Hurting, OMG, he met up with her?!?!? The hits just keep coming. Unfuckinbelievable. I'm so sorry hon. How are you feeling today?
PLT, how are you feeling?
WTBL, how are things?
Well, Sunday was my birthday and I got upset over something stupid and started verbally wailing on my husband for not being more verbally expressive toward me (words of affirmation = my love language, and he's not so great with compliments). I totally overreacted and I cried and ranted about how I felt like a fat ugly cow. THIS WAS IN FRONT OF MY DAUGHTER. I'm furious with myself for losing my shit with my husband for no good reason, and I'm EXTREMELY furious with myself for acting like a psycho in front of my impressionable toddler and saying horrible things about myself, my weight, etc. in front of my little female child. Wow, way to be a good role model for a positive body image, jana. God. Mom fail. I don't know what I need to do but I have GOT to get my shit together so I don't warp her head like mine got warped when I was a kid. I don't want her ending up with an eating disorder or anger issues or self-esteem problems.
We talked some over dinner, about our experiences being apart. We really got into in MC, it was hard but also very moving. Then he said, well, now what? What happens next? And we just went Uhhhh, dunno. I said that I was very afraid that if I stepped back in, which I was now willing to do, that he would run away again. So we did an exercise to encourage me to ask him to stay and him to stay emotionally present. It was so intense having that kind of really strong eye contact having been away from each other so long and under such difficult circumstances. Wow.
Anyway, the first night back we both teared up and we connected well, but yesterday I spent the day just TERRIFIED. He didn't contact me all morning and I was so disappointed... same old same old, nothing was changed etc. He finally IM'd me around 2 and just talked about work. And then came home at dinner and it was all totally normal which was just too much. I broke down on him last night, saying I really hoped he would come back HUNGRY for me, and he didn't and if that didn't do it nothing would, and he still just didn't think about what I needed but just what he wanted, and blah blah. He did his best to comfort me and stay with him in it but he was upset that we were back in that place, I think he was hoping that would stop. So did I, when it comes to that, but I knew it would only stop if he learned how to make it not happen by being proactive while he was gone!!!
Today I am just consumed with the idea that he will still not court me. He will NEVER court me. It seems an absurd thing to want to leave him over but it keeps coming down to that, in the end. WHY CAN'T HE COURT ME? I read He's Just Not that Into You while he was gone for shits and giggles but you know what? Its true -- if you have to wonder if he's that into you, I just don't know if its worth it. Am I being insane here? For fucks' sake, we've been together 17 years -- if he doesn't know by now what I like and how to court me, he's not been paying attention. Its not like there is a risk here, not like I took when I pursued him in the beginning. I am a pretty damned sure bet, for god's sake -- he knows he will get laid if he does it, right?
Seriously, though, is this irrational? I feel guilty for making it so important, but you know what? It just is. It has been since day one and if I could have forgotten about it or let it go I would have by now, you know? So what is so damned hard about this?
He claims he doesn't know how.
Am I being a big baby here, or do I stand my ground? There is something nonsensical about begging him to court me but I also think that I am not going to be happy without it.
For god's sake, man, just kiss my ass for a few weeks, and we can be done with this crap, right? But if he won't... or can't, whatever that means...
Poopy (haha, that just cracks me up every time!) Ė It sounds as though youíre in a really good place right now. Iím so happy for you. Itís amazing to me that we can hear something over and over, but it finally hits us at the most unexpected times. In your case, it was through a message at church. But considering our situations, and the wealth of knowledge available to us (i.e., SI), itís likely not something you hadnít already heard. Anyway, good for you!!! And Iím so glad to hear about the fire department!
Jana Ė what was the great advice you gave me? Oh yeahÖdonít be too hard on yourself! I do understand why youíre upset with yourself; but Iím sure you didnít damage your daughter with that one incident. The important thing here is that you recognize this. I also have a daughter. Mine is quite a bit older, and given that you and I are the same age, itís easy to guess that I had my daughter when I was very young (19). If I could go back and change anything though, I wouldnít! People used to say to me ďOh, just wait until sheís a teenagerĒ, but itís only gotten better as sheís gotten older. Itís amazing to watch them grow and develop their own unique personalities. And sheís so much fun to be around; we can sit and talk and laugh for hours! And she is such a mamaís girl. Even though she is the same height as me, she loves to cuddle and lay with me!!! Itís the best! So if people say the same thing to you, remember what I said Ė it gets better and better with every year! Anyway, society teaches girls (from a very young age), that they have to be thin, pretty, etc. to get anywhere or to be anything special. Even girls who grow up in stable homes can have confidence issues; itís the reality of the world we live in. And kids can be cruel; very cruel. Whatís important is to keep communicating with your daughter as she gets older. My daughter talks to me about everything. So when she tells me that she thinks sheís fat or that she has big ears, or whatever else she comes up with, I can remind her that sheís smart (always getís all Aís), kind, has a beautiful smile and hair to die for. I do, of course, tell her that sheís not fat and doesnít have big ears, but sometimes with my girlie itís better to just joke around about whatever sheís complaining about and point out other great qualities that she has. And ever since my daughter was young, Iíve always stressed the importance of nutrition and exercise; not because I didnít want her to be ďfatĒ, but because I want her to be healthy. And I want her to understand that she can eat whatever she wants, in moderation, as long as sheís active and eats other nutritious foods. I didnít ever want her to have abnormal feelings towards food; and she doesnít. She plays soccer, is extremely athletic (gets that from my H, not me!!!), eats lots of fruits and veggies, but when she wants something sweet (sheís got a huge sweet tooth Ė again, thatís from my H, not me!), she knows itís totally okay. And if she wants 2 servings instead of 1, fine! So again, donít be too hard on yourself. You have lots of time to teach your daughter how to be healthy and confident; this one incident isnít going to turn her into a girl with self-esteem issues! And because you recognize that it could, you know not to act that way in front of her anymore!
PLT Ė I donít think you are being irrational at all. It sounds to me that your H is too willing to just fall back into the same old routine; which isnít what works for you. And I totally get that!!! For me, itís not so much that my husband kisses my ass (which I did tell him I wanted him to do), but that he does it because he WANTS to do everything I ask him to do to show me that heís in this with me. Its more about the effort that they are willing to put into our marriages to show us that they want to be with us and that they made a horrible mistake. And for your husband to say he doesnít know how is just a total cop out. Like you said, youíve been together long enough for him to know what you want! Keep pushing it on him, donít cave. If itís what you want and what you need, he has to be willing to compromise with you. Do the two of you plan to continue MC?
As for me, things are pretty much the same. Still going well. Yesterday I was in kind of a funk; just feeling a little blue. And I was feeling totally gross about myself. Iím not sure why. Iíve been going to the gym every day and riding my bike every afternoon (which kicks my ass, by the way, because itís always so windy here)!! Anyway, my H knew that I wasnít having the greatest day, so later in the evening when my daughter and I went for a walk; he made himself busy by getting everything ready for dinner. So when DD and I got back to the house, we walked in and candles were lit and the table was set. Before dinner, I had to go to the little girlís room, and found on note on the sink from him. It said, ďCandy, I love you so much, Mr. SmithĒ. Pretty simple, but very sweet. He then cleaned up the kitchen after dinner while I studied a little bit. When I sat down to start studying, I opened one of my school books and found another note: ďCandy, youíre so sexy and I love you. Mr. SmithĒ. Then, when we all finally went into the family room to relax and watch some tv, there was yet another note on my spot on the couch: ďCandy, youíre beautiful, smart, funny, and caring. You are a great wife and an excellent mother. I love you. Mr. SmithĒ It was very cute and very sweet. THEN, right before bed, when I was going through my routine of taking all the decorative pillows off of our bed, I found another note on my side of the bed. This one was quite a bit longer and he basically just apologized for everything that has happened and said he was sorry I had a bad day. He told me he believes in me and he believes in us and he hopes that I do as well. Again, it was a very sweet gesture, and I recognized that he was trying and gave him a big hug of appreciation. The thing is though, these little things just donít mean as much to me as they once did. Donít get me wrong, Iím not complaining. I know how hard my H is working to make things right between us. In fact, when we read the 5 love languages, for the first week or so afterwards he diligently worked on giving me my love language. I then told him that wasnít enough. I wanted him to go overboard with all 5 of the love languages until I felt better. And he has. He gives me words of affirmation, lots of quality time, gifts, acts of service (like cleaning up the kitchen last night), and physical touch (which he has no problem with because that is his primary love language). And itís all great; but again, itís just not the same. Does that feeling ever go away? Heís doing his best to try to sweep me off my feet again, but I just donít get that feeling anymore. I love my H very much, but itís just a different kind of love, I guess. I donít get all excited when he does those little things for me anymore. And like I mentioned in an earlier post, he was this way BEFORE the ONS too. So itís not out of the ordinary for him to act this way. I mean, heís doing it more frequently than he did before, but itís not completely uncharacteristic of him. So whatís wrong with me then? Why is all of this still not enough for me? Why am I still not ďhappyĒ? Iím not unhappy, and Iím certainly not as depressed as I was before. I guess Iím content, but not ďhappyĒ. Am I even making any sense here? I feel like Iím not even making sense. BLAH! Am I just a completely selfish person now????
[This message edited by candysmith0705 at 6:15 AM, April 13th (Wednesday)]