Mr. Green has too. He says he's trying to move on, and that "at some point" I need to move on too. I tell him I don't like him to tell me to get over it. And he says, "I'm not telling you to get over it, but at some point you're going to have to get over it."
And then my head explodes. GAH.
wbf said "I was trying to do the right thing by telling you when I didn't have to. But now you are always bringing it up, it's in the past" to which I chose to give him a reply quite different from the typical tsol sunshine reply. I don't even remember really what I said because I was so mad but there was a huge rant of being done, and he shouldn't dare say I bring it up all the time because that's hardly the case and if he'd like me to remind him every time it crosses my mind I'll be more than happy to assist, in the meantime, if doesn't understand why it's not in the past he truly doesn't understand the impact of what he did. + curse words of choice
He talks in that same circle but uses the phrase of eventually, you'll have to let it be in the past and stop bringing it up
My head seriously hurts
My husband slept with someone else whilst working away for a week. He told me he was incredibly drunk (and, in his words, the most self-obsessed, vile and self-aggrandizing prick he's ever been). He stopped what he was doing and told the OW he was married and couldn't do this. But then on 2 subsequent occasions whilst away he got drunk, spent more time with her and slept with her again once. he also maintained contact via email and facebook but not in an EA way (I don't think) - actually to try and face up to what he had done and why it happened. 2 months later he met her in London to discuss what had happened and what it all meant and when he said goodbye he kissed her (well, the way he explains it she kissed him but never mind).
So do you think I have more in common with ONS? It was kind of a holiday fling - not sure if there is a specific thread for that??
Phoenix, welcome. I'm not sure if there's a specific thread for a short-term affair/fling or something like that, but if you want to post here and see if it helps you at all, then I think you should go for it! I read your profile because I'm nosy like that - and congratulations on your sweet little girl! They're the best! My husband is like yours in that he is great with our daughter. You can almost see him melting when he looks at her.
Has your husband had any more contact with the OW since their meeting in London? She sounds like a real piece of work. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that - I hope posting here on SI can help you process the negative emotions you're struggling with. ((HUGS))
I do have a question for you, being that you are farther out. If you read above, you'll see we've been having issues of "when will you stop bringing this up?" Did your wh ever do this? Does he do it now? And if he did he ever settle in with the fact that I'll stop bringing it up when it doesn't bother me anymore?
I'm feeling a little better, I had an IC appointment last week but because I had a job interview right after I didn't want to bring up the get over it issue. Being a crying-blotchy-mess is probably NOT a good first impression . But I feel a little better having been able to talk about other things. Also, I finally got a job (whoooo) so I'm less stressed out on that front. I know that was hugely weighing in on my emotions. But I do still get frustrated thinking about it. I sort of wish I could present the other scenario (the one where I do say the hurtful things I think sometimes and bring it up every time I think about it) and be like "SEE, this is what you are getting. This is what I deal with on my own for the sake of your sanity and our relationship. Now suck it up and be grateful for the filter I give you"
How are you feeling these days?
Anyone else still around?
Jana - thanks for saying she sounds like a piece of work. I love it when people say things like that! The thing is I do try to see her as a rounded person but she just sounds like such a selfish, uncaring bitch. One of the problems I had with what happened was that it really altered my world view. It was the first time in my life I could see no good in a person and it freaked me out a bit. To be honest, I think that is one of the reasons I obsess over her so much as I would feel safer if I felt there was some remorse, some reason for her selfishness that could explain it to me. Then I could have a bit more faith in other people again. However, I like the fact that it's not just me who thinks she sounds like a vile person, it makes me feel less alone in my shock at that kind of behaviour. I've even questioned whether I am some kind of freak because I can't imagine having unprotected sex with somebody I've met a couple of hours previously.
WH did have issues with me keeping bringing it up. He explained it to me that he just hates thinking about how he behaved and the person he was being, so would just prefer not to think about it. He just thinks we are in a very different place in our lives now and we don't need to keep talking. I think he saw talking as just a way to ensure it never happens again rather than a way of it getting better to me. Someone directed me to Jacob's Letter in the healing library and it just said everything I wanted to say, so I printed it out and showed it to him. I think it helped that I explained it was written by someone else as we both thought I was a bit abnormal for being so fixated on what happened after so much time had passed. It really helped him "get" why it was so important to me to ask all the questions.
I'm wondering if we'll ever "get over it" and I think I'm a bit scared to because I worry if we let our guard down it could happen again. We talked last night and realised neither of us have been out to a club since D Day. It's that kind of vigilance I don't really want to let go of.
If it's not too early and raw for you to think of things from the WH point of view, you can see that if they really are remorseful they must dread the topic coming up. All that guilt and shame and disgust with themselves - of course they would rather avoid it. So we tried just having one day a week where I could talk about it. I could write questions down and save them up. We don't do that any more as I ask less than I used to, but I think it helped for a while - one day there was a week where I didn't have any questions on the day. That was a good feeling! I think that was when we stopped that rule. Maybe you could try that, if you haven't already. You could also agree that if you keep your questions to that day, he is banned from telling you in return to "get over it."
I've even questioned whether I am some kind of freak because I can't imagine having unprotected sex with somebody I've met a couple of hours previously.
I think that is one of the reasons I obsess over her so much as I would feel safer if I felt there was some remorse, some reason for her selfishness that could explain it to me
he also maintained contact via email and facebook but not in an EA way (I don't think)
I do understand that it's not enjoyable for him to be reminded of the ons and we did try to have the discussions on a more scheduled timing. We argued about that, I wanted once a week, he wanted once every few months . But there's a lot of times when I just don't feel like talking about it. I think he's brought it up once on his own and I just really didn't feel like talking about it at the time. So we've gone back to discussing it whenever my head is about to explode. Of course another reason he doesn't want to talk about it, because I'm stuck on caps lock and crying , (then I tell him that I talk calmly about it).
In the months after dday, I spent hours at the bookstore reading every self help relationship book ever printed. I didn't find one that stood out as being fully about my situation. But I think, similarly to any self help book, you pick and choose the sections that work for you.
-Not Just Friends (Shirley Glass)
-5 Love Languages (Gary Chapman)
Are my two favorite books. The second isn't A or ONS related but helps build a good foundation.
Jana, I am so sorry that has happened to you and I can understand completely your frustration and feeling like something just broke inside you! I felt that in the beginning of May when wbf broke NC with a toxic friend. I asked to talk to him and I was calm and basically I lost the will to fight on the inside. I told him very calmly that I had to think about what I wanted and was willing to take basically and a week later we talked again and he said he wanted to stay with me and wanted to prove to me he could be trusted. I told him I had to see actions rather than just hear empty words and it took us 2 weeks before he tried initiating physical intimacy and I was not having it. you mess with my heart/mind you dont get physical with me. They are one and I told him that. He said he would just wait to initiate again and I told him "it doesn't matter how fucking long you wait. If you don't work on yourself and your boundaries I will NEVER be ready" I think that's what got to him- me rejecting him and telling him I still didn't feel safe because talking about it wasn't enough, he had to actually change it. Fast forward a bit later and finally I start to feel a little better and I have been working in ic to trust my gut because before I always had to verify that it was right and it was... EVERY DAMN TIME. So I trusted that he was being honest and was changing and we had sex and afterwards he apologizing sincerely for taking so long to figure things out and he loved me and only me and was not going to hurt me anymore. I have felt very calm since then and I think that's because I let him do all the work of proving shit. I didn't fight, I was merely there for him to prove it all to. I think before when I was so codependent I would do all the work. As I've gotten more independent I've been able to step back and just observe. I've gotten stronger and more able to figure out (with tsol's help usually lol) what is truly bothering me and that has been the biggest help EVER.
Whew sorry I like to write novels but let me fill you in on the rest super fast- part of what I've been working with ic on is self-acceptance. Most people seek acceptance from their peers but I had a dad who offered conditional love so I have like twice the acceptance to find and that makes my down times extremely down and I become attached to SI as a place where I feel accepted. While it's good I feel accepted I basically let it take over my life and define me (infidelity) so my challenge for myself was to stay off SI for the past 2 weeks. I did it and there weren't any problems. I am writing here to update y'all that I won't really be on much more for infidelity purposes as I'm trying to move forward and not let it take over my life but I am ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS here for you to PM as it goes straight to my email and I would LOVe to talk to y'all and I'll probably check this forum every now and then but things have been going well.
I have only one more appointment with IC before she leaves for her new job and I'm SO sad because she has been the BEST. I had an issue with crying (survival mechanism growing up was to not cry) and so I decorated a wood kleenex box cover with little sayings like "I'm not perfect, but thats okay. I am me" and "I find it shelter to speak to you -emily dickinson" and at the top it says "its okay to cry!" which I think she'll like since it's kinda an inside thing. Not really a joke lol but she'll get it. She will set me up with another therapist for the fall semester and with that person we'll focus more on my dad and how that relationship affects me since my time with current ic has mostly been spent dealing with me and how wbf affects me.
I have been working and am taking abnormal psychology online and last test, the first subject was generalized anxiety disorder (tada, that's what I found out I have) and I told ic about that and she asked me what it was like to study about gad and depression for a class and I said how basic and impersonal it was, like it didn't even begin to touch on the intensity of the symptoms and feelings and I just wanted to add more to the slide about how it takes over everything and little things blow you up and anxiety attacks are super scary and like a loss of control of yourself and all this stuff.
Things in general are settling down. Wbf had his bday yesterday and I was a bit nervous as I didn't realize it was a trigger for me- last year OW#1 wished him happy bday on his facebook and I guess I was waiting for one of the toxic friends who wouldn't leave him alone in the spring(granted he didn't outright say LEAVE ME ALONE) to contact him and fish and whatever. But nothing happened and we were all good.
This weekend is 4th of July and for the firs time ever wbf wants to go visit my family as he's never met anyone beyond my parents and like one aunt and my grandma. This is a huge thing for me because in the past he was invited but made lame excuses not to go because he wasn't invested in our relationship (I didn't get the memo until like ages later) so now he was the one asking if the invite was still open and we have definite plans to go. Also, last weekend we had plans with friends which had been cemented for like a month almost and then suddenly his grandma came in from mexico the same evening we were going out and I felt bad but I was happy at the same time that wbf stuck with our plans. He was upset that his parents planned a party for that evening when they knew we would be out. It's huge for me to see him honor our plans because before it was like he would drop our plans for his family and it became a huge sour point between us.
Anyways sorry to babble but I definitely hope you guys are doing okay. Jana, please let us know how things are going. If you need to take a night or two to sleep elsewhere and you can, then definitely go for it! Sometimes we need the space for mental clarity.
Phoenix, welcome to ons. My situation isn't entirely a ons as wbf knew the girl from class and there was a bit of an ea before it but I feel like I fit in here mostly and so I came here and I think you will find a group of awesome people who are all so supportive and willing to listen and help when you need it. If you ever want to PM me I'm always checking my email and will respond as soon as I can get to a computer!
Love you all! I am so grateful for all y'alls support and I couldn't have gotten through things like I have without y'all specifically. Jana, thank you for always understanding that my age doesn't discredit my relationship (same problem tsol has which is why I also avoid general)
So I guess I should end my novel now.. I hope all is well or at least you all are healthy and taking care of yourselves as best as possible.
((((((hugs to all))))))
forgiven and in R :)
"To err is human.
Are you actually in contact with her at all or are you saying you would like an apology letter from her or something?
I would really appreciate an apology from her. I'm not in touch with her, shortly after D Day I emailed her a very non-confrontational message just asking her if she could explain to me what happened from her POV. She replied but unfortunately she only acknowledged the first time and just said she didn't know he was married. Her email really upset me because she said stuff like, if we hadn't been so drunk it would have just been a really good friendship and we have so much in common. How on earth could she say that when they only knew each other for a week and were only ever drunk out of their minds together? To be fair to her I think she didn't admit to everything because she thought that was all my husband had told me. I emailed her again saying I knew everything and whilst I appreciated she was only trying to protect him I needed her to know that he and she had no secrets from me. Again, it wasn't a confrontational email (I wrote plenty of those, but just never sent them) but she didn't reply or acknowledge it at all. She also posted on a forum regularly so I was able to read everything she has ever written on there. Lucky me, I got to read her "report" on the festival where she fucked my husband. She sounded so happy about it, she didn't mention it directly but gave a rundown of the whole weekend the first time happened, including the fact that she got off the plane on Saturday night, partied all night, was in the sea at 9am then had a couple of hours sleep (missing out what she did before sleeping) before getting on the party boat on the sunday and she boasted that she didn't get out of the clothes she flew in until 3pm on MONDAY! That's 29 hours after having sex with my husband. Skanky bitch. She also mentioned that much of her behaviour was "suitably debauched". Honestly, it is the most glib report on her wonderful week, she sounds high on it, whereas my life was a wreck in response to it. She also posted at new year that she was "still feeling the consequences of some selfish behaviour in the summer" which I assumed related to it all coming out and me getting in touch with her.
I realized that if I take a step back she didn't do anything wrong. SHE wasn't in a relationship. SHE didn't lie. SHE didn't know wbf was in a relationship. She's just a skanky whore who views things very differently from me. Now in your case she did know your wh was married, and continued, for which I'd probably have very different feelings toward her
Before I found myself in this position I'd have agreed with you 100%. It is your partner's responsibility to protect you, I was nothing to her so why should she care? And I think if it had been just that 1st time that would be how I feel. But I do know my husband and I know he'd have been distraught after that first time. It is so out of character for him, even if he was not in a relationship to do something like that. He actually called me after it happened, he didn't say what had happened but he was in a complete state saying he wanted to come home, thought he was having a breakdown and didn't know what to do. In my naivety I thought it was just the booze blues and lack of sleep, so I reassured him that he was fine, told him to rest and that he couldn't leave, he had to work. I regret that more than anything now. So I heard how bad he sounded. He stopped having sex with her and told her he was married. He was falling apart in front of her and she rolled over and fell asleep. When he saw her later in the week he wanted to talk to her about what happened as he felt so terrible and she was the only person who knew. I can understand that - but instead of helping him she turned round to him and said she was just there to have a good time and he was spoiling it for her. Okay - I get that too, but if I were her I'd have therefore stayed away from him and found my fun elsewhere. But she didn't. She would bump into him in the evenings and continued to push for it to happen. She asked him to sleep with him again on the Wednesday and he said no. He finally did it on the last night of the holiday, and afterwards she turned to him and said "that was wrong, wasn't it." Now how fucked up is she? She pushed for it then says that to him? It reminds me of John Malkovich seducing Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Liaisons, knowing it will make her go against all her principles and beliefs. I can only imagine she was on a massive ego trip, that the thought of sleeping with someone taken actually made her feel good about herself. I wonder whether she felt rejected when he stopped the first time and was determined to get him to go through with it in the end. And I just do not understand how anyone could be so heartless and cruel to do that to someone else. She doesn't know me, so yes, she doesn't owe me anything - but that also means there's no reason for her to harm me either. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe her motives were quite different, but I'll never know as she won't talk to me about it. I 100% believe my husband when he says at no point did he tell her he didn't love me, that our marriage wasn't working, that I don't understand him, all the usual stuff you hear WS have said to OW/OM.
She actively betrayed you, but are you shifting your negative feelings to her rather than wh?
I'm not sure. Before I wrote this I'd have said yes, but having just written what I've written I'd say I am pretty angry with her. He has the advantage that he has had 18 months to talk to me about it so I can understand he was having a life crisis and majorly messed up. I can see his remorse. Whereas I feel like she couldn't care less. When he retired from the music industry in response to me finding out, he announced it on his blog and she tried to post a comment that said, "I know you'll be back, you've got too much music in ya. And remember, keep the change you filthy bastard!" which was a reference to a joke she had made when they were together. How flippant is that? Our lives were literally falling apart and she thinks it is appropriate to do that? I believe it was 2/3 his fault and 1/3 hers. But in my eyes he has atoned for his 2/3 (or is trying to) whereas she has done nothing to make it better. One word would mean a lot to me. Is it really that hard for her to email me and just say she's sorry?
The contact afterwards was again my WH trying to figure out how on earth he could have done this to us. She was still the only person he could talk to about it and I think he needed to talk to someone and wasn't ready to tell me. She sounds weird - he said she never wanted to discuss it and made it clear she just wanted to forget about it. In the end they were just emailing jokes and stuff as friends to each other. Then one day out of the blue she sent him an email saying, stop pretending we're nothing more than friends, you can't pretend nothing happened, and he had no idea where that came from. I do think she's a bit weird. Talking to my husband last night, he thinks my current obsession with her is the same as how he felt then. Just trying to work her out and get to the bottom of why she did it. Whilst they were away he told her he would get an STD check on his return home and she went crazy saying she's not a slag and how dare he suggest that. However, he then saw on facebook of her in another DJs bedroom at another festival and he's always suspected she only went for him because he was the main DJ that night. I think he wanted to know whether she was trying to use him and just couldn't work her out at all.
Sorry I know I've gone on and one but it's a bad week - this weekend is the 2 year anniversary of them meeting and I am feeling so depressed at the moment and just dreading next week when I know what I'll be thinking about every day. I don't think WH will be pro-active enough to do anything to help me in advance of it either. It just feels really good to get all these feelings out as they swirl around in my head all the time and writing them down seems to give me some clarity. If you're still reading this thank you for sticking with me! Okay, rant over.
we did try to have the discussions on a more scheduled timing. We argued about that, I wanted once a week, he wanted once every few months
Once every few months??? Noooooo that isn't often enough! I have to say over the last 2 years talking is the one thing that has helped more than anything. I think they owe it to us to let us talk on our terms. I know it's tough for them, and I am careful not to throw it back in his face at every argument, but if I need to talk about it I will. Try to persuade wbf that it will help him in the long run because once something has been dealt with you move on a bit. If you've got too many thoughts and worries bubbling away of course when it comes out your top will blow!
I'd also like to apologise if my swearing has offended anyone. I was feeling very emotional when I wrote that last post and it felt good to get them out but please let me know if you'd rather I didn't!
I believe it was 2/3 his fault and 1/3 hers. But in my eyes he has atoned for his 2/3 (or is trying to) whereas she has done nothing to make it better. One word would mean a lot to me. Is it really that hard for her to email me and just say she's sorry?
If she ever comes over to Canada, I promise to throw her in a lake for you. And I'm the master of rambling out extensively long posts so I don't mind reading them, nor was I upset about the swearing.
Phoenix, LOL - I can only speak for myself but there's no amount of cursing that can offend me. I'm constantly trying to reign in my own potty mouth. The OW in your case . . . she sounds like a dumb groupie. I hate her.
Lala, glad to hear he's respecting your plans! And meeting the fam - woot! I hope that goes well!
tsol you got a job! Congratulations!!!!
We're doing ok. I'm trying to just let go and not try to control everything. I got deeply suspicious of him a couple of days ago because he kept texting and texting. I asked him who he was texting and he said, D, about a golf tournament. So later I sneaked a look. Who was he texting? D . . . about a golf tournament. The checking up and worrying is exhausting. I'm over it.
So overall things are well. I have been sick and he's lovely when I'm sick. It's like I told our MC, he understands physical distress much better than emotional and is much more sympathetic.
If she ever comes over to Canada, I promise to throw her in a lake for you
Ha ha, excellent news. I'll keep you posted!
I am really curious to read Not Just Friends. It has no bearing on my particular situation, but it sounds so very interesting.
Hmmm, maybe I should give it a read too. I didn't think it would have that much to say about my situation but a lot of people seem to recommend it. I read a couple of books in the aftermath but found they were quite similar. I've just bought "My husband's affair became the best thing that ever happened to me" so I'll let you know if I think that's any good.
My husband is just reading, "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda J Macdonald. It has quite a bit in it about the importance of sharing information and letting the BS talk about it so maybe it would help you guys if your partners read it? It is really slim so isn't a big, heavy read.
I've been feeling a lot better the last couple of days. Could be because I've had my first couple of nights out (in a row!) since before the baby came along but I do think that long post and your responses helped me sort my thoughts out and get some perspective on things. So thank you for that!
JanaGreen - sorry to hear you've been sick. The story about checking the phone is quite positive really - you suspected him but you checked and there was nothing to worry about. I think all this helps us build trust up. He threw away his pay as you go SIM card for his phone but I could still hack into his messages and I used to check it obsessively to see if she had tried to get in touch. It was almost as though I felt disappointed when she didn't! I still now occasionally do it but most of the time I can't be bothered. The other week there was an unknown number called my husband's phone and I had a bit of a fit over it. Turned out it was our old next door neighbours ringing to see if we'd seen their cat since they moved out!
My husband's affair became the best thing that ever happened to me
I don't remember if I picked this book up in my hours at the bookstore. The title irks me though.
"How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda J Macdonald
Let me know how this one goes, I've been interested in it but can only get it off amazon so I've been hesitant. And I wonder if it's more of a book he should have been reading a few months ago. Wbf isn't much of a reader so I think this on might be small enough to get his attention.
I'm glad your feeling better phoenix
It's like I told our MC, he understands physical distress much better than emotional and is much more sympathetic.
I'll let you know about the How To Heal... book. He says so far he's just finding it reassuring as most of the things it says you should do we have done, so it's making him feel we're on the right track.
How are you all doing?
Really I do feel like I've learned so much about myself. I had my last appointment with IC on Wednesday and she LOVED the kleenex box present. On the top I wrote "It's okay to cry!" and on each side I wrote other quotes- "We are all born superstars -lady gaga" "I find it shelter to speak to you -emily dickinson" "I'm not perfect but that's okay. I AM ME" "I believe in myself" and she said she wants to put it on her desk in her new office because she thinks it'll help future clients to know there was a girl/woman/whatever she'll refer to me as who was scared to face the pain but eventually the wall came crashing down and she could heal and the kleenex box for me is essentially like wrapping up all that I've learned onto a box.
The 4th of July trip to my uncle's went very well. My dad (we had a bad relationship up until recently) stayed at my grandma's house so wbf got to meet my uncle and cousins without my dad present. Normally my dad hogs the spotlight because of his insecurity but due to his illness he has had a little bit of a reality check and I think he recognized that this trip was about the whole family meeting wbf so he was relatively calm and off to the side. Anyways wbf said he felt like he's known my family forever because they all got along so well and I had a great time talking to my uncle. With my family it's almost like speed-dating, where we take a few minutes talking to each person before moving on to the next so it's usually superficial "what have you been up to" talks rather than in depth. For the first time I got to talk to my uncle and the coolest thing ever was opening up about my anxiety only to find he has it too AND a panic disorder. He understands about my relationship with my dad but it was nice to tell him that things have been better since his illness has grounded him a bit and through ic and tsol, actually, I've been able to deal with things better.
I've accepted and forgiven wbf a while ago for what all has happened and I feel I've learned so much about myself and my interactions with others. For the first time in my whole life, I've consistently had positive dreams (I had the same reoccuring theme in my nightmares for about 20ish years..) and also I find myself enjoying life more.
As you can tell, my focus has begun to shift from the As to my family issues which is so awesome. I feel like life is turning around and maybe one day wbf and I will get married but honestly, I'm just enjoying the here and now. Although I do still have issues to work through..
Thursday wbf graduated from the fire academy and is now a firefighter and they have like a rite of passage where they drink from a used firefighter boot and wbf got so wasted because we don't drink. Anyways I was concerned that since he didn't know how alcohol can change your inhibitions I was nervous about his boundaries. Yesterday we talked and he told me "I can tell you're wanting to know if anything bad happened. THe worst thing that happened was when I threw up on one of the guys." I asked him what he meant by bad and he said "If I texted anyone I wasn't supposed to" and I said "I was actually nervous they were going to go to a strip club and you would go just because they were going" And he said they did go after the bar but wbf had no interest in going, he thought strip clubs were gross and I was all he needed. It felt nice to communicate about that and before that whole night we had a good talk about alcohol because alcoholism runs in my family AND I had a bad experience with it (don't remember several hours of that night) so I was pushing wbf to not drink and finally we talked about it in a calm manner and he understood my fears and concerns. Well the next morning after the graduation party, he told me he was sorry he didn't listen to me because he hated the feeling of being drunk and barfing everywhere. I told him I never wanted to hear that I was right, I wanted him to be careful and we both apologized. So it's very rewarding to see all we've learned in action. We're both better about communicating. We do have many little bumps but honestly I feel confident that we can work through whatever comes next. Several of the "OW" (more like toxic friends) from his former online gaming life (pre-dday) contacted him on his birthday and wbf and I talked about it and he said he doesn't know who they are he thinks they were from the online gaming but he didn't care. And honestly, I felt very comfortable with all that.
I wrote a novel, I apologize but I truly do care about y'all and I hope you know how much y'all have helped me. Jana you were one of the first people to support me in whatever I chose whereas many others just told me to break up with wbf. I am going to make a post about that in a minute in R because I think people need to realize that most of us are looking for support and I want people to know that I am doing better but it's because I had support.
I hate that we're all here on this website but I am glad we have each other
I've been on a pretty consistent up wave for the past few weeks. (I always feel weird saying few weeks...it sounds so much longer than what it really is....I don't really know if I'm ever going to have a normal concept of time end self t/j). I've gotten back to the point where if I don't see him for a while I start to miss him. (vs. not seeing him and trying to forget about the ons which was tied to his existence...that sounds harsher than I felt I think, but I'm not in a very articulate mood right now).
On Sunday night wbf had a panic attack. He's allergic to cats, and we were with friends who had a long haired cat who he had no tolerance to. The cat was really friendly with him and he loves cats so he just accepted it. Anyways, he started to have trouble breathing a bit and he just spiraled into panic. It was really bad, he got the racing heart and I couldn't calm him down. He was convinced he was having a heart attack, had me look up the symptoms, check his pulse, he re-checked his own pulse, worried that he was going to pass out. Poor wbf, he had me drive him to the hospital he was so upset. We got there and eventually he started to calm down. I've had panic attacks over the past year, but that one compared to the worst of them. The good thing that came from it was that it really kind of confirmed the good side of how things have changed for us. Rather than hiding how he was feeling, even when he started to calm down, we talked about it. So that was a big sort of light bulb moment for me.
Another thing I've noticed just recently is that the amount of time I spend thinking about it has gone down. I guess to a point of acceptance really. Like I know it happened, and it lives there in the back of my mind but it doesn't move to the forefront all the time like it had been for the past year.
Not to say it's all rainbows and sunshine now, I know that things could take a turn for the worse as Aug 24 sneaks up on us. And there are still times when I'll read something and get upset, or out of nowhere the quiet hum of the ons gets stupidly loud, but overall this month has been a good one. Also I finally got a new job, so the pile of financial stress has an end, I just need to pay off the visa I racked up over the last month.
Did you read the How to Heal book? I'm still curious...even though right now (and by that I mean I could still change my mind tomorrow ) I don't think I'd feel the need to buy it. I have to admit I sort of just like to read about psych stuff including relationships. (I totally even had lala send me some chapters out of her psych textbook )
Regarding the strip club, I don't know about down there but our strip clubs aren't all that pretty. There's rumours of a lady who has a peg leg and she's not shy about it. So not going into any other details there. Way back in....2007? wbf went to Holland with a friend and of course they had to go to the red light district. Of course I don't need to say I was panicked, and I didn't think until I just started writing this that...if he could have a ons, maybe he really did.... Ok focus. Apparently they were all really old, missing teeth, unbrushed hair etc.
Jana, plt, fNl, cs, anyone else have updates?
We're still the same, more or less. Had a good few weeks where he was leaving me a little post-it note love message hidden somewhere every day -- it was like a game, I knew one was coming but I didn't know where I'd find it. one was on the handle of the lawnmower.
But, the underlying questions/problems are still there for me, and I don't know how we are going to resolve them. Namely, why am I the only one who has been grieving the loss of what we once had, and where is his remorse? I've not gotten anything approaching the tear-stained begging to stay, or even the "driven to change because I want to show you how much I want you to stay" behavior. The stuff he does would have gone a long way towards addressing my pre-ONS complaints but they aren't a drop in the bucket compared to the balm for healing I wanted, you know? But if he doesn't feel it, he doesn't feel it. But I find it profoundly disturbing -- why should I love him like that again if he doesn't even miss it, and why should I forgive him if he can't earn it? I could think of a huge list of things that he could be doing to work for it, that he has not done. Many of them have been communicated to him in one way or another over the past two years. He claims to feel it, but then why does that not translate into behavior that I can see? Where is the action?
Anyway, I am at acceptance that he may never do it, but my condition then is that we stop talking about it -- the hope is what kills me. He doesn't seem to want to do that either. And I fall into the trap of things feeling safer (like from the notes) and then feeling like maybe he is ready now to show me so I bring it up and it goes badly and
Am I wrong here? He says I just don't recognize his way of showing the remorse but if I ain't feeling it, I ain't feeling it, you know? I don't think I can move past it. Maybe this is just the unhealed part of the 6-12 months after the ONS where he couldn't even discuss it, etc. I don't know. I just feel like when we talk his focus is still on protecting himself and not about remorse to me. I know he has regret and a lot of shame, but it keeps him self-focused on how crap he is and not actively engaged in "ok, I did a bad thing, how can I fix it?"
I don't know.
He claims to feel it, but then why does that not translate into behavior that I can see? Where is the action?
I still don't think I've forgiven wbf so I don't really know what I expect it to take to get there. Sorry things are tough, I hope things get better soon
I would recommend the "how to help your spouse heal from your affair" book. I think it's made a big difference to us. I deliberately haven't read it so that I wasn't waiting for him to do specific things in response to reading it. Now I get texts from him at very unexpected times apologising for what he did, or telling me how much he loves me or how lucky he feels. He always sent nice texts, but these acknowledge what happened. It's as though he's realised ignoring it isn't helping me and that it's always there. I think he was afraid to mention it before in case I got upset, but now he realises it helps. He's also more protective over me when it comes to triggers. Last night there was a scene in a TV programme we were watching where a couple are having an affair and he just hugged me and said he knows it's hard for me to watch. It felt nice not just having the sadness in my head, it was like we were sharing it.
Peacelovetea - it might be worth you thinking about getting your other half to read it as it sounds like he's stuck in the protecting himself rather than helping you position at the moment.
We did have a sad conversation recently - he did some stuff which made me feel as though he was scared of me. It was to do with looking after the baby - too boring to go into details, but I told him it seemed like he thought I was a bit of a nagging wife and he said, "well I know you don't really like me very much because of what I did to you." It made me really sad because I don't go on about the infidelity and make him apologise because I don't like him! Quite the opposite. How easy would my life be if I didn't like or love him? I could walk away? But I love him enough to go through all this pain to sort it out.
I didn't know where to go with that to be honest.
Anyway, generally, things have been okay. We got through the anniversary of it happening and I feel stronger than I have in a long time. Just need to work on him understanding I hate what he did, not him.
[This message edited by phoenix34 at 8:50 AM, July 23rd (Saturday)]