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User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread - II
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, February 17th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tsol, I'm shocked and also pretty angry at your wbf right now. How dare he act like a fragile little flower when he's the one who caused this mess? Ugh. I'm sorry honey.

Lala, good to see you! I think you're smart to be thinking about things like finances, it IS a big deal. DH tends to be irresponsible and it used to cause problems. He thinks of himself as a "big picture guy." For instance, he's probably going to do very, very well with his business this year. So he has the attitude right now that we don't really need to worry about money. However, RIGHT NOW we're coming off of a very slow time. We have spent something amazing like $12,000 from our savings in the last few months on things like bills and marketing materials for his business. I do NOT make enough money to support our household alone, and I've been the sole breadwinner for the last few months. He's booking trips like crazy right now - BUT we don't get paid until two weeks before the people actually TAKE the trips, and nobody's taking trips in February. So we'll be fine after the end of March, but right now our bank account is abysmal. Early in our marriage he probably would have blown me off when I sounded the HEY WE NEED TO WATCH OUR SPENDING alarm, but now he listens to me. If he wants to be all Big Picturey, fine, but at least he's learned to listen to me when I'm focusing on, hey, maybe this is short-term thinking, but let's not overdraw our account. I am all stressy that our savings are drained right now but trying to be cool about it. Sorry, I made it All About Me.

WTWU, I think the rape fantasy is very common for both men and women and doesn't indicate any kind of dark issues or anything. I would roll my eyes hard at the whole idea of men raping women because prostitution is illegal, but I would chalk that up to ignorance, nothing more.

How are things with you guys? And TTL and betrayed nerd, you guys doing ok?

We're doing ok. Busy, tired, kinda broke right now. But ok.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6148 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Want To Wake Up
♀ Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, February 21st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Jana♥

Things with "us" are going fairly well... with the emphasis on the "fairly".


I didn't get squat for Valentine's Day **sigh** but I completely understand why he did nothing. He's never been one to "do" Valentine's Day (I could count on the fingers of one hand the number of times he's 'done' Valentine's Day in any way... and have fingers to spare) and post DDay, any time he did get me flowers (and I got more flowers post DDay than in the preceding 30yrs! He's not one for giving flowers, they're a waste of money) it was a toss up between getting a 'thank you' or a 'what, you think you can buy your way out of this with flowers?', or a 'so now after you've cheated I am suddenly worth flowers?' response... so yeah, I get why he ignored it... but I have told him next year he can acknowledge it in some way. I don't want expensive flowers, he doesn't have to have a $200 box of overpriced roses delivered to me, a $10 bunch from the supermarket is fine with me LOL


I also told him yesterday (after having a couple of bad days and him asking if there was anything more he could do for me than he was already doing, he really has stepped up his game in the past 2mths consistently doing 95% of everything I had asked) that romantic gestures might help, nothing big (we don't have the money for grand getsures, just something from the heart IYKWIM)and yesterday he came home with a sweet little bunch of miniature yellow roses (I LOVE yellow roses!) It didn't cost much but meant a lot to me and I told him so, especially that they were yellow and my favourite.


So he's trying, really trying, I feel it is now coming from true remorse not just regret he got caught...so "we" are doing better... but "I" am still not doing all that well IYKWIM


I have passed through the anger phase but am now in the sadness phase and that's harder on me... and him. I am crying a lot atm and he copes better with my anger than with my sadness.


I feel so... lost.


I hate what he's done, I hate the "reasons" he has come up with for what he's done (mainly because all of them could have been resolved with some honest communication on his part) All of this was just so unnecessary, so avoidable... "if only..." **sigh** I hate those "if only's"


We have continued to have sex not much though, it's still very difficult for me. I don't feel I am "making love" I am just "having sex" and that leaves me feeling... hollow inside. I've never before had "just sex", I was never promiscuous, I never had a sex partner before him... so I don't know if this is a 'normal' feeling or if it's just me and the circumstances I now find myself in.


My mind goes back to the fact that I will end up with a better marriage in the long run (if we do this right)... but the price I have to pay for that is too high IMO Maybe I am beginning to feel that all of this is really a dealbreaker for me... and I am fighting for a way around that as I don't want it to be IYKWIM I want my husband, I want my marriage... I want my life back. I want to find a way to live with what he'd done... but am not sure I can... and it's killing me. I think perhaps this feeling is coming from the fact that I don't KNOW that this WAS his first time cheating... can't wait until we can afford that poly! I need to get this feeling behind me.


I have to reconcile all he's done with myself and not just the cheating behaviour but all the things that he did post DDay (and quite a few hurtful behaviours pre A, like for the past 30 or more years!) It took him fully 2 years to extract his head from his arse and you know... that in itself hurts! I know, I know, I should be and am grateful it's finally out of his arse but... why did it take so long? Was he deciding whether or not I was worth it? For 2 yrs I got "I'm trying" when he really wasn't trying at all he was doing the bare minimum. Why did it take him so long to "fly right"? Was he making up his mind... or is he just a slow learner? Was the allure of the single life and the chance of a variety of sex partners still beckoning?


Shit I hate this!


**edited to add**
After reading much more here and elsewhere I think the feeling of it being a dealbreaker comes from the fact that it has only been 2 months that WH has extracted his head completely from his arse. Perhaps I need more of that dreaded four letter word... TIME. More time with WH being the husband I know he can be, the husband he is becoming.

[This message edited by Want To Wake Up at 4:20 PM, February 22nd (Wednesday)]


Me 50+
WH 50+ (SlowUptake)
DDay '09
"He didn't cheat because I wasn't enough, he cheated because HE wasn't enough"

"Unhappy marriages don't cause infidelity. Being unfaithful causes infidelity."


Posts: 455 | Registered: Mar 2011
poopylala
♀ Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, February 29th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTWU, I agree with Jana about the rape fantasy. I like the idea of dominance in the bedroom and I'm not going to lie, the *idea* of a rape fantasy sounds fun but I prefer calling it dominance not rape. Rape just has an icky connotation to it.

I don't even know if that would truly ever happen with me because as much fun as it sounds, I have a hard time letting go and letting someone else call the shots. Plus BF doesn't really get too creative often which works for me haha.

WTWU, 2 months out is very fresh. I was recovering from shock and was in depression, starting up with my anxiety attacks at your point in time. However, I will tell you I sought help for the anxiety and we started couples counseling which really helped us learn to communicate and get to the bottom of a few major things and really, we managed that in 3 1-hour sessions which seems absolutely crazy because it felt like we learned SO much that it couldn't possibly fit in only 3 sessions but it did.

He asked me to be his girlfriend on Valentine's Day senior year of high school so we celebrated 5 years then and since I worked at a high end kitchen goods store and had a fabulous discount, with tsol's help I picked out stuff which we ended up using on Vday to make dinner. He got me a necklace with the firefighter's cross (he's a firefighter and I expressed interest in it a long time ago so it was cool that he remembered!)

I am lucky in that he is good at surprising me. However I happened to ruin my surprise. So I was at his house yesterday and opened his browsing history merely out of curiosity.. why I did this I don't know. But I didn't expect to find anything and lo and behold, I found a link to the purse I have been drooling over for ages now but is still too expensive. I asked him about it because I didn't want him to buy it for me (we're in our early 20's and I didn't want him to spend $300 on a bright red kate spade purse for me) so he said my mom texted him about it, saying I was talking myself out of the purse and they went in together but we agreed I'd pretend I didn't know until my birthday in April. I was just SO speechless that they put so much thought into it and I felt horrible for ruining the surprise. I think the browser history was really out of old habit as I haven't been on his computer in like ages... I will go into that tomorrow in IC.

We had a serious talk yesterday about money and I said I wanted to look at getting the car in June so I could drive myself to school to take the midterm and final for my online class (it's done on campus) without my mom having to pick me up and drive me over and wait, etc etc. He took it seriously and we calculated how much he needed to save per paycheck and then how much he needed to set aside for our trip to Denmark this fall. I told him that I know he enjoyed modifying his car and I was happy he enjoyed it but money has not been consistent in my life- his family worked to make ends meet and then some. I was lucky if we could afford a new backpack for me. I wasn't poor, but we didn't have money to spare. I think looking back I was glad my mom stayed in our neighborhood- it's a very expensive one and we live in an old little house but the neighborhood is VERY safe and worth the taxes every year. Okay I digress. Anyways so I told him since money wasn't constant for me growing up, I take it probably more seriously than need be. He understood and he didn't make any more jokes about using the 3k he's going to put towards the car on modifying his current car even more. In fact he said once this last thing is complete, he won't look to modify his car any more until a few years from now. I asked what his financial goals were between now and then and he said the car we're going into together, the trip to DK, helping me get my Jeep this winter and then saving up for a down payment on a house. Once we get a house in a few years and we have a budget set up for bills, he'll save up for finishing his car which is cool by me.

A friend today said she was glad he was done blowing his money and honestly I really defended BF because I felt it's his money and his car, and I realized the bottom line for me is as long as he sets aside what he needs to for things that are important (the car, the trip, etc) then he can do what he wants with his money. I don't know how we'll do it if we combine finances in the future- probably have it so he takes a percent of his paycheck e every month and sets it aside to do whatever he wants with and ditto with me? IDK I don't know enough about all that yet and I'm not in the position to care much yet haha.

Okay wow I wrote a novel, sorry y'all.

OH WTWU, I wanted to say that I LOVE yellow roses They are after all the flower of Texas I can see myself walking down the aisle with a bouquet of yellow roses

Jana, I understand the broke part and I'm glad he's more respectful of your opinion because it affects both of y'all.

WTWU, yes TIME is the dreaded word but it's true. I mean time is what heals a cut into a scar.

And Jana, I agree with your statement about being angry at tsol's wbf. I know everyone has different deal breakers but we both agreed we think this is him not knowing what to do. I have actually been talking to her wbf on facebook a few times in case maybe hearing it from a third party would change how he heard things or saw things but ultimately I think he's just not sure what to do.

It's hard when you decide to stay to R and then something happens and their response to something not as... whatever the word is... is to call it quits or do something more drastic. In all, I think we all want to be loved by our SO but also we want to trust them in times of need that they will be there for you. Thick and thin. For better or for worse. But that's the thing. You have to put yourself out there to trust them and be vulnerable and when that's broken, it's even harder to put back together to trust them again, assuming they earn it back of course.

As Lady Gaga and Beyonce say in the music video for Telephone, "Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broke(n). But you can still see the crack in that mother f*cking reflection"


BGF (me)- 24
FWBF (him)- 24
in a LTR

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, February 29th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yellow roses are my favorite too!

Lala, it's great to see you guys doing so well!

WTWU, I agree that TIME is what you need right now. That sucks. But I agree.

tsol is just such a great, beautiful girl. I think her ex? boyfriend? is going to kick himself eventually if he lets her go, especially after she forgave his ass for what he did.

Well, it's the gift that keeps on giving, you guys. Yesterday after picking up Baby Green from daycare, DH went over to our neighbor's house (not assbrain) so our daughter could play with their son. Assbrain's wife was there with their son (I don't think Assbrain is really so much welcome there, so he wasn't there). Assbrain's wife mentioned to DH that they were looking to switch their baby to OUR daycare. FUCK! It's bad enough that I can't walk out my front door or go to my favorite grocery store without having to worry about running into them. Now I might have to see them at my child's school? GAHHHHHHHHH I just want them to move far, far, FAR away so I don't have to have a blood pressure spike every time I see them. I know that she didn't do anything, and I feel terrible for her, but seeing her is honestly almost worse than seeing him.

I just hate it. But I'm trying not to bring it up to DH because it does zero good to talk about it. We've had our house on the market for a year, no offers. Even if we move, most likely Baby Green will still go to the same daycare. It's just a neverending consequence, having to see their faces and be reminded.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6148 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Want To Wake Up
♀ Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, March 1st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the input ♥

Poopylala "it has only been 2 months that WH has extracted his head completely from his arse" I meant that it's only been 2 months that my WH has been doing all he could be doing to aid my healing IYKWIM (not that he's been engaging in any inappropriate or 'cheating like' behaviours... just wanted to be clear on that LOL)


**sigh** He stuffed up again this past weekend.


It was huge trigger weekend for me, a time after DDay that he'd returned to that Hell Hole and couldn't be contacted one night (because he'd returned to the fucking bar... the one he'd promisedme he would not return to) causing me to be truly suicidal. What really ticks me off is that the next morning when I told him of the night I'd had (my worst ever through all of this) he didn't come clean but lied about turning off his phone because he was "sooo tired from working sooo hard"... we were video skying and he even cried about how his not being able to be contacted had affected me so badly... God, it's scary how good a liar he was, he had me feeling sorry for him!


I was once again betrayed with lies and deceit about inappropriate behaviour and companions and the fact that we were (supposedly) in R made it that much worse a betrayal IMO.


He flubbed it. I have asked that he learn my tigger dates (he can tell them from his timeline and the past year FFS we are 2 yrs from DDay out so this isn't undiscovered country for him) It was huge for me because when I did find out about it about a week later that was when I told him to leave and the kids (officially) found out. This whole time of year is littered shitty memories (and yes, I know I am affected way too much by antiversaries of shitty happenings... working on that and it is getting better, this time last year I was curled up in a ball for days) but I expected him to acknowledge, metion.... bring it up in some way and be PROactive not REactive IYKWIM... When I expressed my disappointment I had to explain (again) what I meant by PROactive.


I understand that he pussyfoots around this stuff because he doesn't want to "set me off" or "upset" me... but I am having difficulty getting through to him that his bringing it up won't upset me, on the contrary, it will comfort me to KNOW that he is more concerned with my emotions than with his having to deal with my negative emotions IYKWIM. It comes across to me as him wanting to escape the consequences (he does play the ostrich on so many things)... and it's hard to tell which it is at times. Either way it leaves me feeling alone and abandoned in a time of need.

As for WH ever putting much thought into gifts for me... sometimes he does but he gets it wrong so often because he doesn't really listen to me... i.e. a few years ago while shopping with him I was drooling over some light up Christmas decorations (the fibre optic village kind) the day before our wedding anniversary (and no, I was not being subtle about it LOL) they were adorable and well within the budget. Later that day he has to pop to the shops (he NEVER does this so I suspected he'd gone abck to purchase one of the villages I'd been drooling over and was thrilled with anticipation for the next day) Come our anniversary I opened a small present (that could not have been what I'd though) and I'd been given a Swarovski animal figurine. Now I do collect these... BUT I collect the miniatures (I prefer them, always have and have always stated this) and this was freaking huge (and rather ugly IMO) He got the brand right but the style wrong... in contrast my BFF gave me one for my 50th and she got it right. I know I come off sounding petty but even our eldest DD howled... "Daaad! You know Mum likes the miniatures NOT the large figurines! Next time take me shopping with you!" She knew, my BFF knew... WH didn't... the difference?... They listen, he doesn't!

Being irresponsible with money (or money matters) is another thing he just doesn't seem to see in himself... i.e. he has a car allowance through work for his vehicle that he is supposed to (under our tax laws) keep a usage log book for so he can claim it off his tax since the log shows it was mainly for work use... he refused to do so stating "he didn't have to" (Like he knows better about tax laws, self appointed "expert on everything" that he is) Saw our accountant last week and what do you know? He's told he should have kept that log book and because he didn't we'll take a hit on our taxes Grrr! Don't need that right now!


He's apologised for not listening when I tried to get through to him about that log book... but that's the way he is about almost everything... he KNOWS it all!


WTWU, I agree that TIME is what you need right now. That sucks. But I agree.

Yeah, I know Jana♥ (damn that four letter word... TIME) it's just so frustrating waiting for him to make the complete changes I know he needs and can make (and of course every little set back derails me... this damnable rollercoaster is a bitch!)


(((Jana))) I'm "lucky" in a way that I have no person or persons around that can trigger me in that way... being that it all occurred while he was overseas and he's left that company, so I don't even have to contend with WH still being in contact with any of his former colleagues who may have been 'in the know' about what he was getting up to.


We are still managing to have sex (very sporadically) and I do mean "managing" and "have sex". It's still very difficult for me (I often cry tearlessly during) and WH has still to learn that asking me (as he did last night) if I am "up for anything more?" while we cuddle in bed is not the way to light a fire in my loins. We need to have a conversation about his technique and find a different way for him to "make advances". I understand he is trying to be direct but it's really not working for me and leaves me feeling like one of those cheap sluts he met in that bar IYKWIM not his wife of over 30yrs and the mother of his children. Maybe I need to make him understand that there are some nights where all I want is the cuddling and if I want more I'll let him know...(I find myself again being somewhat reluctant to cuddle as I know he's going to expect more from me) I am guessing he'll be worried that if it's left up to me to initiate he'll never get sex again... not with me anyway... but that will have to wait until this weekend when we can have some uniterrupted time alone, without the kids in earshot.

(((Hugs))) to all♥♥


Me 50+
WH 50+ (SlowUptake)
DDay '09
"He didn't cheat because I wasn't enough, he cheated because HE wasn't enough"

"Unhappy marriages don't cause infidelity. Being unfaithful causes infidelity."


Posts: 455 | Registered: Mar 2011
Want To Wake Up
♀ Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, March 17th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Argh!!! Need to vent!

So earlier this week I mentioned to WH the fact that those unsolicited apologies and words of comfort have gone "poof" and he says "he knows..." but nothing more. No I'm sorry, no I'll do better, just "I know"... Really? You Know? Well guess what? So the fuck do I!


You'd think that after my expressing disappointment at him ceasing this he'd lift his game but no, I get nothing.


So I let it go and bide my time, thinking he'll get with the program eventually, give him time, he'll get back on track... only he doesn't.


Last night while watching some comedian on telly (after having watched Grey's and the whole Owen cheating tigger fest... bloody tv shows and there obsession with cheating) and the comedian starts making light of MLC (yeah 'cos it's such a big joke!)about men get to that certain age where they start feeling old and often begin chasing young tail to recapture your lost youth... I triggered, did he attempt to comfort? Offer me anything? Nope... WH ignored it all.... I was let down again... I got angry!


I again asked where have my unsolicited words of comfort gone and he again says he 'slipped up'.


NO! This wasn't a "slip up"


I'd already mentioned their disappearance eariler in the week, this when he could have gotten away with the whole "slipped up' defence BUT I did remind him, again expressed my NEED for them and still I get diddly squat... that ain't 'slipping up' that's making a choice to not give, to not give me what I have specifically asked for.


Today he tells me "it's not in him to do that", he's tried but he can't do it so he is not going to anymore. I have received all the apologies from him that I wlillever get, he's done apologising since you should only have to apologise for something once **roll eyes here** Again I pointed out that under normal circumsatances that applies but this is hardly normal circumstances and IMO while the pain is ongoing so too should the apology for it (I am not asking for daily apologies, just random ones and not only when I am upset but at other times just because that is how he feels IYKWIM)


I asked by he can't and he says it's not that he can't... but that he WON'T! He says it's the whole "it's not what you say it's what you do" that you read so many times about WS actions... I have tried until I am blue in the face to explain that refers to saying you will do something and then NOT doing it, that saying those comforting words IS in fact AN ACTION... but he either doesn't get it... or doesn't want to get it.


I countered that it wasn't "in him" to lie, betray, date other women, behave like a single guy and screw 2 hookers either but he found in in him to do all that... the difference? He was getting something out of that (sex from the two hookers and admiration/idolisation from the bar sluts... in effect he got an ego boost from that) but when he has to comfort me at any time other than when I am distressed or actually crying he 'gets' nothing from it. When I am distressed or crying he eventually makes it stop and he gets his "payoff" in him thinking he's made me feel better IYKWIM he's done something "good" so he can feel "good" about himself, that's his "payoff". When I am not visibly distressed or crying there is no benefit TO HIM in comforting me so he doesn't bother... That's how I see all this and I think I am pretty damn close to the mark on this point. No gain for WH and he doesn't do it... but he's not selfish anymore, no he's not, really... he's not... just ask him! LMFAO if it wasn't all so sad it would be funny.


I've told him 'fine if that's the way he's going to behave, stubbornly refuse to be giving towards me then we can bloody well stay in limbo!' He countered with all the things he has done (not a long list by anu means) but sadly... they go nowhere near "making amends" for all he has done.
He never has been willing to go the extra mile, above and beyond, the whole nine yards (what am I saying? He has barely done anything willingly? I have had to fight tooth and nail for every little thing)... he always does just enough... just enough to keep me here... but no more.

But... he's not selfish, no he's not, really, he's not... he's changed... just ask him!


He claims that it's just this "one thing" he won't do (remember not CAN'T but WON'T... he is choosing not to) but it's not just this "one thing". I have repeatedly requested he return for further STD testing (as he has been overseas right after DDay while we were apparently in false R and lied about his activities) but he refuses (and I can't drag him to the doctors) I am to TRUST him that "nothing happened"... laughable isn't it? He is returning to his bar, drinking and carrying on until late at night again and he was in contact with his "near miss" woman, she was texting him every night to come and see him but I am to be the 'good little wifey pooh' and just believe that he never took her up on her offer of a fuck because we were SOOOO CONTECTED... so contected that he still had no difficulty in betraying my trust LYING TO ME!


And he asked me where is my leap of faith? I've already taken it! It blew up in my face!


I let the STD tesing go (no choice really) and resumed sex with him as hard as that was (still cried every time) I requested he have IC but he has steadfastly refused since DDay. There's more but why go on?... He counters with what I am not doing... showing him affection and showing him (this is rich) that I WANT him... Is he for fucking real?

He wants to feel wanted... what the fuck does he think I want?


Seriously, am I wrong or unreasonable to ask for those words of comfort? Am I not the BS here? Do I not get to set my conditions for R? Did I miss a memo somewhere?


**edited to add**

I probably should delete the above (but I won't as it's my rant and I needed it) because now he's done a turnaround... again!


No wonder they call this a rollercoaster... but right now it's more of a merry-go-round! No wonder my head hurts.

[This message edited by Want To Wake Up at 3:01 PM, March 18th (Sunday)]


Me 50+
WH 50+ (SlowUptake)
DDay '09
"He didn't cheat because I wasn't enough, he cheated because HE wasn't enough"

"Unhappy marriages don't cause infidelity. Being unfaithful causes infidelity."


Posts: 455 | Registered: Mar 2011
betrayednerd
♂ New Member
Member # 34192
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, March 26th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like many of you, still here, still hurting.

I hadn't checked in for months. Took me a while to catch up.

I was so distracted for the last few months with work. First the added stress was a serious strain. I became overly anxious and depressed (Off the charts according to my IC). Then the work stuff turned out well, and things started to fall into place in my personal life as well. Now I'm at a point where I have time to think about it again.

The hardest part is laying down for bed at night. Days are fine... I just think of him, laying there in her bed...and her joining him. I want to know exactly how she laid. Next to him on her back? Spooned into him? Facing him? Who made the move? I know she gets up and goes to get ready for bed and when she comes back he is still there. I want to know all that same info over again...

It keeps me up at night, and I'm just going to flat out ask for the details. I feel almost petty at this point, though 4 months out is nothing in the grand scheme.

I asked her if she sever stops to think of it like I do? I often say to myself "I can't believe it happened" or the recent shift to "I can't believe our relationship got to the point where something like this could happen." I ask what she thinks about and she said "she wonders if she is ever going to be able to forgive herself."

At least she recognizes that...

A few weeks ago I put her EA on the table, saying how uncomfortable her friendship with a male friend of a friend made me. She admitted to starting to see the wrong in it, but is having trouble processing it with everything else. She (we) are reading 5 Love Languages right now. I will be suggesting Not Just Friends to her after this in hopes it sparks some thoughts around the EA.

Keep on keeping on people.


Me - BH 32
Her - WW (ONS on 11/17)
OM - 25yo coworker (different office 1k miles away)
DDay 11/23/11
Married 5 years, together 12
2 year old child

Posts: 23 | Registered: Dec 2011
poopylala
♀ Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, March 26th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTWU, I wish I could give you a big bear hug IRL. I feel like you have put yourself out there and are doing great. What took me forever to learn but was ultimately freeing was how I couldn't control him, only me. And if he continued doing things I didn't like, I had a choice to accept it by staying with him, or leave him. When he kept talking to "friends" not of the relationship, I was so hurt and sick to my stomach. I knew these girls had negative intentions. And I knew they were harm to our relationship. Not only because of what they wnated but because he was having a non-EA EA with them if that makes sense- he was getting something from them that wasn't healthy but it wasn't an EA.. Anyways I digress. I told him finally I had to think about what i wanted because his actions and his words didn't match up. I needed to hear sorry, also, and that he was glad I gave him a second chance. I needed to know he valued us over those friends (they were from his online gaming life which he used to escape from real life, coincidentally he met OW#1 there and she was friends with all those girls too)and when I ignored him for a whole week I think that hit home. He went NC and apologized. But it took me standing up for myself. Staying in limbo isn't IMO a threat to him. He'll probably think of that as continuing exactly how it has been going and you won't push him to do anything. I think he's cake eating. He's wanting to still be there without doing the work. fwbf didn't want to do counseling originally but when he realized how serious I was, and it was kind of a deal breaker for me, he did it. I think your H's lack of clear direction is him not wanting to do the dirty work to fix things. He may not realize how broken he is or why it's beneficial to fix it. BUT I also didn't and still don't live with fwbf so I have NO idea how to do all this while living in the same house. Aside from separate bedrooms or kicking him out, I have no experience there. But I can give big hugs and that's what I'm sending your way (((((((((((((WTWU))))))))))))


BN, life can be so crazy and I'm so glad you checked in and let us know you were alive and okay. 5 love languages really changed our relationship and I think that book is SO amazing. I read NJF but didn't ask him to read it because I know he isn't a reader and he learns things differently than me. Basically when I would 180 he learned what I was not willing to put up with. When he would come crawling back I said "I want X to stop because Y and I need Z to feel better" and it worked, most of the time. A few things took more than that but it is what it is. If we could all just say that about everything and it be done, well this site wouldn't exist would it?

To all, I hope you're all doing okay. I turn 23 in exactly one week and am excited. I feel weird calling him wbf or even fwbf because tsol and I have taken to calling them by their nicknames so I will just refer to him as bf. I feel he was consistently been a healthy person, one I want to be with and has been so open and understanding about my needs. I have been dealing mostly with FOO issues in IC, and bf and my mom said they would be there for whatever I needed. I also have had alot of anxiety today and bf was a great help in getting a few things taken care of for me even though he's been really sick.

I have decided I really needed to stop letting others influence my state of mind so much, like if I couldn't tell bf was saving money for the car and our trip I would normally be so upset but I realize ultimately he ends up getting it together in the end so I was not going to worry about how he saved up, just that he has it when the time comes. It has helped me alot but I've just had so many issues with my dad and that's been the one I'm trying to take care of but it's SO hard. It's just as hard as any A stuff I've dealt with. I mean you love and trust someone but they abuse your trust and your heart and mind and that takes a toll on you. In my case, my dad is like a WS who is not remorseful, is in a HUGE fog and I can't kick him out of my life because his mom would be so hurt and I don't want to hurt her.

What IC came up with is this cool and freakishly accurate analogy- my life before college (this has become the equatorial line rather than any A stuff which is nice) was like a messy room with my dad around to always mess it up. College gave me some independence so I shoved all the stuff into a closet and shut the door. My room from the outside looks clean but behind that closet door is all this crap ready to fall out if I dare open the door. I am working to open the door to organize the stuff and clean it out but it is SO hard and scary. I can't believe I have all these emotions still from so long ago. Just the topic of my emotions relating to him makes me cry and I wish I could just 180 him more than I do or even divorce him from my life. On the one hand, it'd hurt my grandma but on the other it still wouldn't deal with that closet o' crap.

So that's where I've been mostly. I am almost finished with this semester and then I take calculus 3 online this summer and I am officially done and will have graduated then! But this FOO thing has totally rbought me down and has affected my sex drive majorly. It's quite annoying that someone can have such an influence.

Thanks for being there for my non-A stuff. In a way I feel like they're very similar things (foo and A stuff) but Tsol and I were saying we hate foo issues. I mean we have to pay for what we couldn't control or escape growing up. I hate that I have these issues or reactions or triggers because of something my dad chose to do or say. Okay really I need to go to bed but please everyone let us know you're okay! WE CARE


BGF (me)- 24
FWBF (him)- 24
in a LTR

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, March 27th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((WTWU)))
I am sorry you are so sad. "The pain is ongoing so too the apology for it"
Does he show you in other ways he is sorry, is committed & wants to move forward...say I love you, help around the house, hold your hand?

My husband had many ONS w/prostitutes/escorts over many years, 5 yrs?, don't know if I will ever get the answer, not sure if it really matters now...He has been faithful since dday 3-19-11 & is a new man. I asked him last night, why did he continue to lie/omit the truth for 7-8 months after initial dday..said he did not want to hurt me further, it was all bad...

I am trying to accept this was/is my reality, he/I can't change the past. Even he said, that is easier for you to say, than do. Yes, he is getting that this is SO hard for me.

One thing I am thankful for & I haven't posted this anywhere here, but he didn't fall in love with anyone. It breaks my heart when I hear other women or men on here that have their spouses tell them I don't love you.

I agree The 5 Love Languages is a great book, so is The seven Levels of Intimacy by Matthew Kelly.

"I hate what he's done, I hate the reasons." Just needed honest communication.
I totally agree.

Me-BS 49
Him-WH 48
M28 yrs.
DDay 3-19-11
R


Me-BS 51
FWH-50
M 30 yrs
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 576 | Registered: Oct 2011
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, March 27th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all.

It's been so long since I've posted here. My husband is out of town with a friend right now. You can probably imagine how that makes me feel. Attempting to be cool about it.

We have not been getting along terribly well lately. Nothing's been terribly bad, but nothing's been terribly good, either. I've been running again for the last five weeks, trying to lose some weight/get in shape. He made a "joking" comment about my stomach this weekend that really pissed me off. What's my love language? Words of affirmation? What did I tell him I NEEDED after D-Day? Words of affirmation. What does he consistently fail to give me? Words of affirmation. So, no positive words. But yes to the negative comments - but they are JOKING so I need to GET OVER IT. Well, if I had maybe a compliment thrown in there every now and again, I would not take the "jokes" to heart. Ugh. I hate blowing up over something petty, but frankly I'm feeling pretty down on my looks/body and that comment hurt. Also I stopped saying "I love you" months ago because I was tired of always saying it first. And since I've stopped, he's only said it a couple of times - both right after he did something totally jackassy.

Sometimes I feel like I might be a huge bitch, overly critical, naggy. Sometimes I feel like we might be oil and water. When I detach we get along better. But when we start getting along better . . . then I un-detach, and get my feelings hurt by his abrasiveness . . . . lather rinse repeat. I'm just tired. Maybe we are bad for each other. Maybe I'm just crazy and need to go back on my antidepressants - I went off because I THOUGHT he was ready to TTC, but now he's wavering on that again. Which makes me feel depressed all over again.

WTWU, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Has he agreed to the STD testing? I'm surprised that he won't go for his OWN peace of mind, if not yours. That is a big, huge deal!

Hey lala, happy birthday in case I'm not here next week!

Betrayed Nerd, I think you are well within your rights to ask for details. Every piece of information I learned (remember, my husband was too drunk to remember much so he couldn't really tell me everything) hurt me, but ultimately helped me to know what happened so I could put it to rest.

Hi forgiving, I agree with you that it is better that our spouses' infidelity happened with someone who meant nothing. My husband's "OW" was the sexual equilvent of calling up Domino's. Disgusting as it sounds, at least he didn't care about her.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6148 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Want To Wake Up
♀ Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, March 29th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like many of you, still here, still hurting.

((betrayednerd)) yeah, it's a hurt that just keeps on coming. I don't think the WS's really understand that part of it, I don't think anyone who hasn't been where we are can understand it.

I highly recommend Not Just Friends as it helped my WH see how his interactions with women have often been very inappropriate and how even when he may have been all innocent with his flirtatioos behaviour you never know how innocently the other person is taking it IYKWIM There's friendly and then there's "friendly"


No wonder they call this a rollercoaster... but right now it's more of a merry-go-round! No wonder my head hurts.

Right there with you.

WTWU, I wish I could give you a big bear hug IRL

Awww thank Lala♥( I can't call you poopy LOL)


What took me forever to learn but was ultimately freeing was how I couldn't control him, only me.

Lala I get where you are coming from and I agree for the most part but in our situation it has been me taking the lead in our attempts to R. That's the dynamic of our marriage to a great extent, I lead and he follows (except on the really BIG stuff, then it's 50/50 and I see this as the BIGGEST stuff ever... I don't think he does in some ways... maybe that's a bit 'off'... it could also be that he has no freaking clue and when I come up with suggestions, boundaries or 'requirements' he balks... have I mentioned that he REALLY doesn't like being told what to do... in any circumstances and sees all my boundaries as being told what to do)


And if he continued doing things I didn't like, I had a choice to accept it by staying with him, or leave him


Well this is kind of my trump card as I have told him that he does the things I have requested or I WILL rethink my decision to stay in this marriage... since he swears black and blue that he wants the marriage he has little choice but to comply... for now. What I want to see is real change in him, not just complying but (for now) I am willing to 'settle' for complying and hope with time these new attitudes and behaviours will become second nature to him IYKWIM not in a way of beating him into submission (although it does sound like it LOL) just giving him time to come to terms with the fact that he needs to change IF he wants to R this marriage.

He has been a LOT better since my last post... it's not that he's a slow learner LOL but I guess true change takes time.

(((WTWU)))
I am sorry you are so sad. "The pain is ongoing so too the apology for it"

Thank you forgiving and that is how I feel about it, the pain will be lifelong for me and so I feel so too should be the apology, not daily but random when he FEELS it and when he doesn't perhaps just for my sake.


Does he show you in other ways he is sorry, is committed & wants to move forward...say I love you, help around the house, hold your hand?


LOL he THINKS he does but I guess our next book purchase will be a love languages one... 'cos he doesn't speak my language!


My husband had many ONS w/prostitutes/escorts over many years, 5 yrs?, don't know if I will ever get the answer, not sure if it really matters now

I only KNOW of one but since he was overseas so often I have no idea of the truth (given that everything I found out I found out on my own, he "confessed" to nothing) that's why a poly is still on the cards... I want to know the truth (as much as I can know the truth)


I am trying to accept this was/is my reality, he/I can't change the past. Even he said, that is easier for you to say, than do. Yes, he is getting that this is SO hard for me.

While he wishes my healing would be faster, I wish his understanding of the depth of my pain would be faster.


Jana♥ I'm so sorry you're having a bad time of it atm

My husband is out of town with a friend right now. You can probably imagine how that makes me feel. Attempting to be cool about it.

Oh Jana♥ I would be in a very bad place if that were the case with us. One firm rule I have enforced during R is he doesn't spend ONE NIGHT away from home, not one, not now, not ever again. I went through that during false R and in the beginning and I was a basket case (didn't help when I found out he was still lying to me, he had his chance and he stuffed it, I give no second chances on that front)

I hope everyone has a better time in the coming weeks.

Funny you mentioned detaching, I feel 'better' when I detach too.


Me 50+
WH 50+ (SlowUptake)
DDay '09
"He didn't cheat because I wasn't enough, he cheated because HE wasn't enough"

"Unhappy marriages don't cause infidelity. Being unfaithful causes infidelity."


Posts: 455 | Registered: Mar 2011
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I'm not all that active in here these days, and I haven't really met a bunch of you.

But I still feel the need to bump and check in.

tsol is just such a great, beautiful girl. I think her ex? boyfriend? is going to kick himself eventually if he lets her go, especially after she forgave his ass for what he did.

Thanks jana, just saw this now


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I'm not all that active in here these days, and I haven't really met a bunch of you.

But I still feel the need to bump and check in.

tsol is just such a great, beautiful girl. I think her ex? boyfriend? is going to kick himself eventually if he lets her go, especially after she forgave his ass for what he did.

Thanks jana, just saw this now


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
peacelovetea
♀ Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, April 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys, still some faces I know here. Just wanted to let you guys know I've decided to D. H just never was able to earn my forgiveness, or dig deep enough to stop some of the patterns that led up to the ONS in the first place, so I never was able to really feel safe. I never imagined in the beginning that he wouldn't be able to fix it but after almost 3 years I've just given up hope. We are telling the kids tonight.

I hope you guys have better luck.


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
Want To Wake Up
♀ Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, April 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((peacelovetea))) the 'digging deep' seems to be a common issue for many WS's (I know it is for mine, the only 'reason' he's come up with is "I was selfish"... well Duh!) perhaps they're afraid of what they'll find.

Not going to go on about my sitch except to say the sex has stopped cold. WH is disappointed that I am not more 'enthusiastic', not more 'into' sex, not more desirous of him... he wants me to 'want' him and 'make love' to him not just 'have sex', even though that's all I am capable of atm. He doesn't like the sex we were having lately as he doesn't 'feel good' about it. He doesn't like the feeling that I am 'forcing myself' to have sex with him. Gee, those mind movies going on in my head during sex (courtesy of him) and he wants me to be all over him like a $2 whore! I don't know what's wrong with me? Maybe the fact that this is all about him and what he feels.


So he's gone into emotional withdrawal mode (again)... I've just stopped caring as it hurts a little less that way but only a little less.


Me 50+
WH 50+ (SlowUptake)
DDay '09
"He didn't cheat because I wasn't enough, he cheated because HE wasn't enough"

"Unhappy marriages don't cause infidelity. Being unfaithful causes infidelity."


Posts: 455 | Registered: Mar 2011
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, April 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm joining PLT on the divorce/separation board. Short version - I asked him if he really, truly didn't want another child and he just didn't want to tell me, he admitted to "lingering doubts" about our relationship, I told him to figure out whether or not those doubts were going to go away, and he pretty quickly determined that they weren't. So yeah I guess we're divorcing. Probably for the best, I know, but I'm still so pissed and hurt and scared.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6148 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
poopylala
♀ Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((plt))))))) and (((((((jana)))))))


I am so sorry you are facing S/D but I really am rooting for y'all to finally be able to move on and live your lives for YOU. Life is too short to waste it and I think it's so amazing that you lovely ladies are taking the next step to allow yourselves to fully heal.

Plt, I don't know you as well but I think you are brave for trying to R and even though it didn't work, you are going to be in a better place after you finally heal. Trust, like you point out, is scary and they have to earn it but you have to also give it and without trust, there is nothing.

Jana, you have been such an amazing source of support for me since I joined SI 1.5 years ago. You are one of the people who made me feel safe and like I mattered. I felt that so many others were easy to dismiss my feelings and my situation because of age and you never did, so for that I thank you. I cannot believe you are going to start down S/D but I am ALWAYS here for support or venting and I hope you can finally heal.

To everyone here, I hope things are going.

WTWU, I had the same dynamic. I think it tends to happen because in society, we are taught that women take care of situations so we're kind of trained to take responsibility and step up. However, in doing so, we don't give the other person a reason to put forth any effort. That's what I really had a hard time dealing with in counseling with bf and eventually, I had to give up some of that control. If he chose not to take any responsibility then that was his choice but it was unfair to me to take 100% of it and that kind of made him lazy with trying. Right after Dday which was way before counseling, I actually 180'ed and told him he was going to be in charge of initiating everything as I'd been the one to do so (hindsight, I took that on myself I guess..) and I meant everything from conversations to plans to who knows what else. At first he didn't do much but I didn't budge. He began texting more and more and I'd only respond when he texted. He didn't like that and said he felt like I never wanted to talk to him. I said that's exactly how I felt with him. I think mimicking his habits to him which is basically the opposite of whatever I had been doing (180) was a major eye opener.

On another note, I signed up for my very last class which I'll be taking this summer. It'll be a great summer because I'm pretty sure this is my last summer teaching dance at summer camp. I'll soon have to start applying for grown up jobs haha. Bf and I are doing really well, and I'm continually amazed at how much counseling helps. I'm in it again to deal with FOO issues but one thing I realized is that I have trust issues with money because my dad was so unreliable with it growing up and my mom's business was hit hard by the economy so it was a source of anxiety for me. I then realized that Bf always manages to have his money ready somehow so I told him I was no longer going to worry about how he saved, just wanted him to have his part ready when the time came. In one way, the As forced me to take a real good look at things. I have been working on my own issues and I've finally accepted that actually I had an EA before bf ever left the relationship. I realized it was due to my need for external validation. It was with his friend and with bf's approval, his friend and I gradually started talking again and when he was aksing me for advice about personal issues with his girlfriend, I was very uncomfortable because it resembled the talks we would have during the EA but he quckly got to his question and I realized I've worked very hard at making my own boundaries and it was so reassuring to see how strong they are now!


BGF (me)- 24
FWBF (him)- 24
in a LTR

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, April 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you poopylala.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6148 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Want To Wake Up
♀ Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 12:59 AM, April 26th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTWU, I had the same dynamic. I think it tends to happen because in society, we are taught that women take care of situations so we're kind of trained to take responsibility and step up

That's true Poopylala♥ and in fact has pretty much been the dynamic of our marriage as well. I have always been the one "in charge" of the marriage (if that makes sense LOL)


(((Jana)))


[This message edited by Want To Wake Up at 2:07 PM, April 27th (Friday)]


Me 50+
WH 50+ (SlowUptake)
DDay '09
"He didn't cheat because I wasn't enough, he cheated because HE wasn't enough"

"Unhappy marriages don't cause infidelity. Being unfaithful causes infidelity."


Posts: 455 | Registered: Mar 2011
laney57
♀ Member
Member # 35617
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, June 3rd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello All,
Oh how I wish I had seen this thread before!

My H had ONS, but for 3 days... in another country at an event 6 yrs ago. I recently found out. It seems a ONS is closer to my story, although It has changed my life and trying to cope. I still have much to read here, But thank you for your posts.
I wish you peace.

[This message edited by laney57 at 5:48 PM, June 3rd (Sunday)]


Me - BS, 43
Him - WH, 45
Married - 22 years
D-Day - 05/12/2012
Trying to find me.
Gotta do this, but I'm broken - headed for divorce - 02/20
Hell if I know - 02/24
INS 07/2013 Divorcing

Posts: 226 | Registered: May 2012 | From: KY
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