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User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread - II
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 1:06 AM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well we decided to make an effort to work it out, only for me to find flirty emails to the young girl who does his payroll. You can read all the horseshit that followed up in the JFO forum. I am done, this is my dealbreaker.

I love you guys and I hope your stories have better endings than mine did.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6164 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laney, welcome - so sorry you find yourself here. ((hugs))


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6164 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
MsSassy909
♀ Member
Member # 35773
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, June 8th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi People.

I found out 3 days ago my WS had a one night stand 10 months ago and now there's a baby.

I have confirmed with the OW that it was just one time.

Anyway as hard as it is and my roller coaster ride is all over the place. We will work through this. We had a great relationship, the best relationship either of us have had

So far he has been remorseful from what I can see.

How are u guys working through it. What boundaries have u guys set as part of working toward R.

My main one is counselling and am looking to organize this very soon.

We had a set back tonight when I told my partner about organizing counselling for next week. He came back with 'I don't need counselling, unless I don't have u cause then I will need it as I won't know what to do' I asked if he was serious of which he replied yes. I then told him that I will not gives us another shot of he doesn't do counselling. I think he got the message. But I will see in a couple of days when I bring it up again.

I have written a list tonight of what I expect. Most of the thing on there he is doing already. But I guess the true commitment will be in a couple of weeks when I see if he is still willing.

What are some of the set backs u guys have faced. Have ur WS done counselling and were they resistant at first. If so, how were they after going??


BS - Me (29)
WS - Him (30)
Kids 2 - My previous marriage
DDay - 5 June 2012

ONS under the influence. No contact with OW since ONS.
OC - DNA confirmed she is WS


Posts: 82 | Registered: Jun 2012
poopylala
♀ Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, June 8th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jana, I can't believe that. I honestly am in awe that he would continue this. I am sorry you've reached your deal breaker but I really hope you can truly begin to heal now.

Laney and Sassy, welcome and we're very sorry you find yourself here, but this thread has been a great help for those of us who have had to deal with the downfall of an ONS or something similar.

I don't frequent SI anymore as we have been in R for a full year now but I come back every few months to see how people are.

Sassy, there is a thread about OC which may be helpful to you if you haven't checked it out already because I don't know how much help we could be on that part But I will do my best to answer your questions and I hope they help you some.

To give you my story which should also answer question, my bf of 5.5 years now checked out of the relationship at 2.5 years. He met OW1 online in a game and by the end of that year he went to visit her in a city 4 hours away under the pretext of "visiting a friend with cancer." Then he met OW2 in a class and a few months later, they signed up to do their clinicals in a city 3 hours away which required a hotel stay but I had no idea she existed and I was told he was staying at his friend's grandma's house there. Both times resulted in a PA but OW1 was a full EA-turned-PA. I found a letter to OW1 in Nov 2010 and after a few nights of no sleep (I was in shock) I found the hotel reservations for him and OW2. He lied about OW1 saying it was just an EA without even admitting that much but fully admitted to OW2. I went through all the stages of grief and the anger one really was strong for me, which looking back helped me push for what I needed. I was set to stay from Dday on but a few weeks in, he wasn't doing enough to show he cared. To help myself I began IC, but the winter break was just about to begin so I saw her maybe 2 times before and wouldn't see her again until end of January.

I 180'd his ass by not initiating anything, and I told him as much, because I'd taken on the responsibility for the relationship 100% (my fault for doing so) and he had no reason to try when I did everything. I gave up 100% on that and he complained that I never talked to him until he texted first (we don't live together so texting has been our main communication) which upset him. I reiterated he had the responsibility and maybe it'd help him understand how much work I put in that was never appreciated.

I found OW2 right after Dday on facebook and asked her side of it. It turned into a cat fight which ultimately I ended by returning the bitchiness. I found OW1 on facebook later that month and FINALLY got the answers I was searching for because my gut said he was lying about what really happened. She was innocent and had no idea I existed until he refused to call her his gf which caused her to end things. OW2 however knew of my existence and wanted him to leave me but he didn't so she tried to seek revenge by foolish measures- none of which surprinsgly included telling me...

This all happened by the beginning of January and towards the middle, I was so frustrated and angry with wbf for not doing enough or being honest that I was suffering anxiety attacks. I didn't know I had anxiety until I saw a psychiatrist to get help because I knew my feelings weren't right. I also saw IC again but this time, I told wbf we were doing counseling or we wouldn't work out.

Since dday he maintained he wouldn't do it because "it means we failed" but I told him "counseling is to help us not fail; without it, we will fail" and when he saw I was dead set on it, he gave in. I made the appointment right away and the intial appointment was for her to talk to us individually about what we each wanted out of counseling and in the end of it we all sat together and I said I needed to ask him something. I asked him to tell me the truth about OW1 and he didn't. I gave him one more chance and nothing. Finally I said "Okay well unfortunately you wouldn't be honest with me so I talked to her myself and she told me the truth. I wish I had heard it from you" and that set the stage for the next few months- I became my own PI at finding the truth out.

The first real session, he was very quiet (he's an introvert) and through that first session, we realized I learned to push and push for a fight during my childhood (FOO issues) so I did that with him but it only caused him to retreat into like a shell, becoming a vicious cycle of me pushing, him retreating so I pushed more and etc etc. The next session we got deep into what specific triggers we had and how we each affected each other. Basically I was afraid he was turing into my father, whom I've never trusted and have serious FOO issues with. What he felt was that I was acting too much like my dad. We realized we had zero communication going on because of all this.

I learned I had to give him the chance to actually follow through with something but he also had to actually do it in a timely manner. I had to stop pushing and he had to stop retreating. Seriously though, after that second session, we changed so much in how we talked. I stopped pushing to finish the argument right there and in doing so he actually wanted to continue it. Not arguing but communicating in general. I also learned to calm down and not turn into a crazy person because it just created a wall where neither of us could even hear each other.

By the third session, we both were noticably calmer when talking and more respectful. Then the antiversary of his ONS with OW2 happened when we were out of town with some friends and I was a bit upset but he was understanding and remorseful.

One thing that helped me learn to trust my gut, which I worked on in IC, was I had spyware to see what he was really doing. Initially it was because his word had no value. Eventually it became a hinderance in my trust because rather than going with my gut, I would only believe it if I saw it. Did that make sense? I knew he was being honest but I'd double check and it was confirmed or I had a feeling something was up and I'd check and it'd be confirmed. The instinct is a mysterious thing but it really exists. The scientist in me needed facts to support but IC helped me work on trusting my instinct and not having facts because I had my gut.

Shortly after this was my birthday when I had a weird feeling so after we celebrated, I checked it out and turns out a girl was texting him and he replied but didn't tell me about this. She was another friend from the online gaming. Basically, to back trck, when I found OW1 and when I did the spyware stuff, I found out he was talking to multiple girls. They all lived out of state except OW1. But they would call him to wake him up in the mornings, something he never asked me to do. So this girl was another one of them BUT she texted him when we were in the midst of counseling saying "So I heard your gf fucked you over with (one of the girls from the games that was like a groupie)" and he never replied to that but on my birthday he was replying to her. I went to his house that evening to pick up something I think, and he noticed my mood so I told him it was something that happened with Tsol25 and I was upset for her when I saw his phone blinking. He had a text frm that girl. He "was going to tell me but didn't want to ruin my birthday" to which I replied that him not telling me ruined it for me.

So for the next few weeks, he was trying to convince me she was just a good friend and I told him the fact that he is trying so hard to persuade me to be okay with it raised flags. Finally I told him I needed time to think about what my botom line was because no one should ever fight harder to keep a friendship than to keep their partner.

He stopped talking to her and slowly, she tried pushing her way in by leaving suicidal messages and I told him after a month and then some of this crap that she was manipulating him because I freaking called her and she told him she had a bf and all this bad stuff happened but when I talked to her she was fine and happy. I said that I would never dare call a guy at 4am if I had a bf. She just raised red flags and if he couldn't see it then we couldn't work out. He did realized she was manipulating him and cut off all contact.

So I tell you this soap opera because I think it tells you with a timeline how things happened because they certainly weren't overnight. Yes he was resistant and yes he fought me tooth and nail about counseling until I was really just about to lose it and put my foot down hard. He didn't read anything (he's never been a big reader and frankly I wasn't going to make expectations that were abnormal because he did read the SI posts I sent him but I wasn't going to make him do crazy things to prove anything to me. I just needed him to do what would work for us and I knew reading books wasn't it for him. I did read some though, but counseling and interacting is what helped us both the most).

Time has a funny way of moving after dday. The first week I liing by minutes. If I could survive a 1.5 hour class that was amazing. Then a week passed and It felt like a year. Between Nov and Feb felt like 10 years and I'm only 23 so 10 years is a ridiculous amount of time. Our anniversary is Feb 14 and last year, I was having some major issues the weekend before so he actually picked me up and spontaneously did Valentine's day early to show me he did care and he did want this. My present was the Tiffany necklace I've wanted since middle school when Legally Blonde came out. I wasn't as thrilled initially ebcause I was afraid he thought he could buy me but I realized he picked that to show me he did care and he listened and could remember what mattered to me.

The one thing I recall the most was that I felt like I was the driving force behind fixing us as I did the majority of the work initially but I knew if he didn't meet me halfway once counseling started, it was over. I refused to be lied to, I refused to be in a relationship where I wasn't put first. I never thought that was asking alot.

I will say, however, I realized later that actually I had an EA with his friend around the same time he first checked out of hte relationship. But when I felt it crossed a line which was when I wondered what it would be like to kiss him, I stopped it. I confessed right away that I was talking to a guy but I didn't reveal who it was. This was 2.5 years into our relationship. That summer he started talking to OW1 online and I saw some of the chat logs which were not much but they did send hearts to each other. I called him out on that and the passwords were changed and I was blocked. Red flag but I was in denial. Later, he told me he didn't confess about the extent to which he was with OW1 because he thought I'd leave him since we had the history with her involved for at least a year before he slept with her and then right before dday which was almost a year after all that he emailed her that letter I first mentioned.

Through the lies, the deceit on both sides, the coverups, the hurt, the sadness, the anger and the desire to seek revenge (I even told him what I'd imagined I could do to hurt him- we joke about it today but man I really had my plan thought out then!!), we are now stronger and both better for what has happened. Do I wish we could have gotten here without all that? Yes. But do I want to change things? Honestly, no, because I am a better person for all that I've learned. As is he. And I am honestly more compassionate because before I was one of those "If he cheated on me, I'd dump him" people but now I'm one of those "honey, I am so sorry for what you're feeling and you do what you need to do for you" people.

I don't know how active ONS is, but you can always PM any of us if you have questions or want to vent and get a response quicker than we have been giving the past few months.

SI is the best thing that has ever happened on the internet because so many people reach out to help you. Do what YOU need to do for you and don't let anyone persuade you to do something you're not comfortable with- both on SI and IRL. It's your life, live it how you want to and do what is best for you. Sometimes we don't like the outcomes but ultimately it is better IMO to be single and happy than in a relationship and feel alone. You can't control anything or anyone but yourself so if the other person doesn't contribute to fixing the marriage, it won't be anything more than just your work at fixing something that takes two people. Only you can decide what to do in any situation. And the biggest lesson I learned in IC, besides trusting my gut, is that it is okay to cry. We have to feel the feelings because they are ALWAYS valid.

I hope this helps and I'm sorry if this is confusing in any way!


BGF (me)- 24
FWBF (him)- 24
in a LTR

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
MsSassy909
♀ Member
Member # 35773
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, June 8th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Poopylaa - thanks for your reply.

Being a ONS does make it a bit of a different situation as to a full on affair. However doesn't lessen the pain. Apart from knowing that he is aware of what he has done.


BS - Me (29)
WS - Him (30)
Kids 2 - My previous marriage
DDay - 5 June 2012

ONS under the influence. No contact with OW since ONS.
OC - DNA confirmed she is WS


Posts: 82 | Registered: Jun 2012
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 1:07 AM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been a long time since I posted in here. How things have changed, I think lala is the only one who's relationship is intact out of our 2010 group that hung out here for a while.

Hi Laney, Sassy

What are some of the set backs u guys have faced. Have ur WS done counselling and were they resistant at first. If so, how were they after going??

Yes he was resistant to counselling off and on. On dday he suggested it as part of his plea for staying together. I actually didn't jump at the idea. The about 6 months later I brought it up and that's when he didn't like it so much. We went to one mc session and couldn't afford it. I saw an ic but he never jumped at that either. He said a few times he would but there was never follow through. As far as the one mc we did go to, he said it wasn't as bad as he expected. But the guy WAS expensive and he wanted to see us individually for a session each which doubled his rate for that time.

I guess the biggest set back would have been follow through. Everyone here really is right when they say to watch actions not words.

looking to organize this very soon

I know I'm over a month late, but things like this, give to him. You're going to counselling because he had a ons, therefore he can take responsibility in setting up an appointment kwim?

Keep that list handy. I had one and I often lost sight of it. I made the list based on things that mattered to me, they were pretty basic and he agreed. But looking back, caught up in the moment I let a lot of them go. And it's totally ok to change your boundaries as things get better, but that wasn't my motive for doing so. I wanted to keep the peace and stop nagging. I keep the peace at my own expense.

Like lala said, I'm pm-able if anyone needs to talk. I still lurk and read through some of the other forums...si kinda became like an email to me


((((everyone))))


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, July 19th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been a long time since I posted in here. How things have changed, I think lala is the only one who's relationship is intact out of our 2010 group that hung out here for a while.

Candy Smith is doing ok as far as I know (although I think she came on the scene much later), but yeah, you're right - it's absolutely shocking, isn't it? It seems like the ONS folks here have had a WORSE recovery rate than the couples who suffered an affair. WTF???!?!?!?


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6164 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, July 19th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Candy Smith is doing ok as far as I know (although I think she came on the scene much later), but yeah, you're right - it's absolutely shocking, isn't it? It seems like the ONS folks here have had a WORSE recovery rate than the couples who suffered an affair. WTF???!?!?!?

Lets add her in, since clearly we need to boost our ratings.


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Frustrated  Posted: 10:27 PM, July 21st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ya know, maybe it's because they fail to understand how badly it affects us? Since it was just once? It only takes one betrayal to destroy trust. The fact that he was pissass drunk and it was just once doesn't make my trust any less broken however strongly he feels it should work that way.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6164 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Stillhere97
♀ Member
Member # 36122
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, July 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am only about 2 month into this. My wh has been working out of the country for 10 month. He has been gone more them home. With the time change, he is getting up when I would be picking up kids, then when I was getting up to get our day going he was getting off work and going out. They all were drinking to excess every night, with some black out drinking. They would go to the bar where the bar whores would drink with them. Well my wh had a ONS with one of them. His world quickly fell apart. All of the partying and drinking and going out, he said it was like another life over there,it was like being single. Didnt have to go home didn't have to answer to anyone. So we are working it out. He came home early and on the way home stopped and got tested on his own. The next day went to counselling. We are done with MC, he said he doesn't need to see us anymore. I am going tomorrow, because my wh left again and he wasnt to check and see how I am doing. I am ok, just wish my husband did not have to leave for work again. We have a no drinking or going out, not even with dinner. Work, dinner and back to his room. Zero contact!!!He has done everything I have asked him. Just feeling a little alone being here with just my thoughts. ugh!! I am not feeling like i have a lot of support. Only three people know. I just want him here. We are good together, but nothing apart. He disconnected for us all and was just living the good like over there. buying everyone drink, big boss.. everything he is not at home. He is not and has never been that person. He says he is bad and will never let this happen again, he says he sees how he let himself get caught up in the fun partying life. ONS=broken heart.


BW 38
WH 40
Married 14yrs
2 kids
One night stand in foreign country
Process R!!!

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jul 2012
jaded19
♀ New Member
Member # 36304
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, August 1st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey everyone,

My husband had ONS cold stone soberhe says that he stopped it once the adrenaline of her coming onto him wore off.

For those that have decided on R how do you cope with the thought of his weakness. That for a moment in time his desrire for sex outweighed his vows he took to honor you? I am undecided on whether or not I am leaving and am scared that in ten years this will be happening all over again because of his quote "stupid decision", any thoughts would be helpful.


Posts: 3 | Registered: Jul 2012
poopylala
♀ Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, August 1st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think, Tsol and Jana, that it is so difficult because it's not like a whole series of events that seems to have lead up to a larger event, which it was in my case. If you think about it, it's easy for fwbf and I to see where boundaries were broken and identify things as they happened, especially with the EA-turned-PA. The ONS was with a girl he knew and while it wasn't an EA per se, you could still see the chain of events. With random people, I think that's probably harder to come back from because how do you look at steps to understand where things started falling apart? You really can't. It happened. It's like the end of the story without the beginning and middle. It just was. That, to me, would be harder to wrap my head around.

StillHere, why aren't you anything when you're apart? He should still focus his energy on you. Could you leave video messages for each other? That way you could communicate when it's okay for each of you on your own time while still focusing that energy on each other. Or could y'all try something like having a picture challenge where each week you pick two things out of the ordinary you must photograph and send each other? And then compare who has the better picture? Just something cute to keep the attention on each other even while away.

Jaded, while I'm not married so no vows were taken, I think it is very difficult to understand when you've been able to maintain your vows. I started down the slippery slope of an EA. I stopped when I realized the lines were razor thin, as in thinking of kissing the friend. I stopped it all and confessed to fwbf. I can understand from my own experience how easy it is to do something you'd never think you'd do in a million years. But what helps with coping is knowing that something in the other person is broken. They are not whole and healthy. They are jagged pieces of broken stuff that created an environment for them to do something they wouldn't do as a whole person. The hardest part is believing that you could not have done anything differently to prevent this. I don't believe the whole, "Men think with their Penis 24/7" thing because I know men have brains. Some have better ones than others.. BUT I know while brains can be and should be used, for men and women, something inside them tells them it's okay to do something else. Whether you decide to stay or go is your choice, but the #1 way for me to cope was to focus on fixing myself and becoming the person I wanted to be. He could work on himself or not but no matter what, I would leave the experience a new and better person. If he chose to work on things, he could be alongside while I worked on myself. But if he didn't, I'd be going it alone and that was fine. I had to learn to accept I couldn't do anything about the past, but I could change the future.


BGF (me)- 24
FWBF (him)- 24
in a LTR

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, August 2nd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stillhere, I am so sorry for your pain (((((HUGS))))

You guys, he is agreeing to do counseling. Our previous MC, who I've been seeing solo for a while, seems to really understand exactly WHY he is doing all the things he is doing right now. So she's suggesting we come and see her . . . but I'm wondering if we might have better luck with a male counselor and a fresh start. I don't know.

Also I am TERRIFIED to give it another go. I've been jerked around so much since April. My counselor said it's a miracle I'm not insane at this point. I think she might be giving me too much credit, I'm feeling pretty nuts. I am scared to death to get my hopes up. At this point he's still saying that I am the one with the issue, that I just need to trust him and everything will be ok.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6164 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
candysmith0705
♀ Member
Member # 30390
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, August 5th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey everyone! I haven't read through the thousand threads that I've missed over the months, so for all the new people...HI! For all the others who may still be around from back in the day...HI!

Just wanted to stop in and say hello. Things are going well for the most part; but today has been a shitty day. Not for any reason in particular, just me being my own worst enemy, as usual! So for some odd reason, I found myself here...after a very long time of being away! Strange!?!?

Anyway...just wanted to say hello to everyone!


Me - BW (32)
Him - FWH (38)
DDay - October 16, 2010

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2010
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jana.....(((((jana)))))
This is the face I'M making at him. I remember way back when, his crazy making seemed like a quirk against what overall was pretty good stuff. But really lately, the crazy making seems more front and center. I can't decide if I'm surprised he's agreeing to mc at this point. HE was the one who filed right?

Also I am TERRIFIED to give it another go. I've been jerked around so much since April. My counselor said it's a miracle I'm not insane at this point. I think she might be giving me too much credit, I'm feeling pretty nuts. I am scared to death to get my hopes up. At this point he's still saying that I am the one with the issue, that I just need to trust him and everything will be ok

I know how much time you've spent concerned about keeping you two together for baby green. But remember, you do have a choice here. And I seem to believe that having separated parents can be a better option than a mom who was driven insane by dad. I don't mean to 2x4 but the last part...he has a long way to go to jump back into good standing and I don't know if agreeing to mc balances out the fact that he's blaming you still.

Candy!! Hi, long time no see.
I find myself having bad days this August and my si lurking has gone back up. I'm glad things are mostly going well for you and glad you stopped by.

Jaded,
My ex was sober too and said he realized what happened as soon as it was over. There's a lot of work that goes into making sure that this isn't happening again in ten year. A lot of that work is his to do and you can't do it for him. Some comfort comes from seeing that happen and over time the future begins to look less scary.
Remember, you don't need to make long term decisions today. As you can see, 2 years later there are still changes happening and decisions changing for some of us. Hold on and work with what is manageable.

Stillhere,
I never had to deal with the long distance aspect of things and can only imagine how much harder it must make things. You say that you are nothing apart, how long does he foresee himself working in this career that involves so much travel? Is that something you can accept? Can he get up a little earlier so you can talk before picking up the kids? And skip going out and you can talk when you get up as well?

I know I didn't really get much in the way of ons subject matter from the many books I read through.
But I saw some quotes from a book called Surviving an Affair here that I'm thinking about.

They say many people engaged in short-term relationships become professional at creating just the right climate for a brief affair. / They say that a ONS can be isolated mistake in an otherwise A-free marriage but more often a habit that is repeated by the WS, sometimes hundreds of times. / It's the challenge to attract the opposite sex without the intention of leading to sex. They only want to see the willingness, and providing the ability to attract.
I think the last part fits for exwbf when considering the oa and the pre-ons. The oa was something we were never going to agree on. And I think this gives me some clarity on it. I will stick to my guns that it was an inappropriate relationship but maybe he was honest when he said he didn't have the intention of it leading to more. Maybe it was just about the ability to prove something. And I can also sort of see that with the girl I found out he asked out earlier on in our relationship. I don't get the feeling that he was looking to replace our relationship. Maybe he was just hoping for a yes from someone he was attracted to. But what the heck do I know, we haven't talked in months. Moooving onnnnn tsol


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
Stillhere97
♀ Member
Member # 36122
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your support and ideas.
Poopylala - we just fit well together. We complement each other. I know I am some one with out him, I have been living as a single parent for almost a year, while he has been gone. I will try the video thing and our daughter asked for picture of where he worked and has been asking questions. He came home early from the last trip after I found out so they have seen him more.
Tsol25- this project is almost over and then another one will come up in another city. I might go with him on one of his short trips. He has told his boss he can't be gone more then two weeks at a time and says he will not miss any important events in the future.
I believe he distance and as he says he had no responsabilies over there, that's because I had them all and then some:(. He was living the bar live, no one to go home to so could stay out all night. No one to check on him. What he didn't think about was the effect that his not being here had on our kids and myself. He is no longer drinking at all while gone. There is no need!!! I have all the stresses and responsabilies and to kids, I don't drink I do what I need to for my family and that's what I need from him.


BW 38
WH 40
Married 14yrs
2 kids
One night stand in foreign country
Process R!!!

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jul 2012
sevensisterhood
♀ New Member
Member # 36851
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, September 24th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like, I think HopelessRomantic, and maybe two2muchpain, my WH had a ONS with an old HS buddy/girl he didn't even know is HS. She looked him up on Facebook a couple of months before their 30th reunion--actually she was a class behind him. It was in International School, so the classes tend to mingle, and the reunions are all over the place, year to year.

Anyway, she pursued like crazy "if you weren't married, at Reunion, LOOK OUT!!" and, he ate it up hook, line and sinker, " DRAT, I am."

(me, the wife-- I'm "drat".

You can all guess what happened.

Hot monkey sex at the Reunion in San Fran,, July of 2011. Unprotected, which the darling WH did not tell me about for one ENTIRE year. No, seriously.


Then the fun part really begins-- they texted as much as hundreds of times a day, almost every day, from July 2011, till DDay August 2012. Heaven knows why he told me , while we were doing dishes. Maybe tired of her, maybe trying to push me over the edge?

Then it was big ole TT time, with me digging up all the phone, text and etc records. Mind you, this man is a computer engineer and knows perfectly well where the data lives. But claims he does not know. Hah, sez me.

OW warned him to delete all his FB, text and emails, but I've see a few. They are quite sickening.

That's enough for now, but yeah, ONS, plus EA--the worst of both worlds! especially when it's unprotected sex.

assholes. (Oh, and she's a doctor. Really makes you think, no?)

[This message edited by sevensisterhood at 10:17 PM, September 24th (Monday)]


Me-53, married 23 yrs, 25 yr relationship; PA at his HS reunion, year + of s/texting, phone, Facebook; CraigsLIst postings, Ashley Madison, OKCUpid account, Adult slut sites..... "I never used them!!".

Posts: 39 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Massachusetts
poopylala
♀ Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, October 27th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SSH, on a tangent- I am wanting to go into the healthcare field and what baffles me are people IN medicine/healthcare that don't follow the common rules (ie washing hands, smoking, safe sex...)

Back on topic, have y'all looked at MC or IC to help figure out why he strayed? If you haven't started IC for yourself, you should! I read on your profile he seems to be realizing the damage he's caused which is good. Has he established NC?

((((((SSH)))))) I'm sorry you find yourself here but this place is an amazing resource for surviving and getting better.


BGF (me)- 24
FWBF (him)- 24
in a LTR

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
laney57
♀ Member
Member # 35617
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, November 28th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all,
I can't believe it's been so long that I reached out on the thread. Thought we were doing a bit better until tonight.
It seems that my H doesn't understand why I still trigger. "I was only kissing someone"(the story he is sticking too). Also, this "kissing" took place over 3 days. (Three days to realize what he was doing) So all of this work and trying to get me to feel "safe". BS. Still don't have a why, I've given up on that... But always since day 1 never thought he understood my pain. After 7 months? It's time to re-think this. Pretty angry tonight, and I feel like a fool. Please don't believe words only, ACTIONS!! I have to do some reading and catch up. Thank you :(


Me - BS, 43
Him - WH, 45
Married - 22 years
D-Day - 05/12/2012
Trying to find me.
Gotta do this, but I'm broken - headed for divorce - 02/20
Hell if I know - 02/24
INS 07/2013 Divorcing

Posts: 226 | Registered: May 2012 | From: KY
poopylala
♀ Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, December 9th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laney, it seems he isn't getting it and hasn't. You say you didn't think he had been and it just goes to show your intuition is a nifty little bugger to have around.

I don't think they'll ever get the magnitude of our feelings because they didn't experience the betrayal or the lies themselves. Nobody truly gets it like another BS.

Have y'all attended MC? IC? Any kind of C? That can really make a night and day difference with healing because it can help you address your feelings and communication issues.

I'm sure you've tried the, "what if I were I go around kissing other guys?" deal but I think the main point is that kissing is considered extremely romantic and personal. To have your spouse who has promised body, mind and heart to you kiss someone else is still betrayal. "Just kissing" minimizes your feelings and that's never okay.

My reply to such statement is that your feelings are valid and by getting upset, he is essentially saying they aren't. To many, kissing is sacred to the marriage and it isn't "just" a kiss; it is a betrayal of trust and vows to each other. For him to understand it, maybe give a visual that you guys are in a circle together and the OP is in her own circle and when they kissed, he brought part of her circle overlapping yours (like a Venn diagram) which means not only did he break the circle to include her, he brought her into YOUR circle as well.


BGF (me)- 24
FWBF (him)- 24
in a LTR

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
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