Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: steve2020 (43223)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread - II
peacelovetea
♀ Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello ladies! Still some names here I recognize!

My D was final on 12/31. I am doing so well! I've started the second year of my doctoral program, have begun my clinical training, and am busy busy busy. Kids are doing well. Ex has stopped being hostile and spent Xmas morning here to see the kids open presents (though he arrived 40 min late and then would. not. leave) and that was fine. I was very sad the day the D finalized, just saying goodbye to my hopes and dreams one final time. But I woke up in the new year free and happy!

I've done some dating, found myself marketable at almost 40 and with 3 kids -- who knew. But really my life is busy enough being mostly full time mom and student and in training. I'm spending a lot of time with girlfriends, which is fun.

I just wanted to check in and say hi, and say that there is life after D if that's where you are going -- a good life. I have no regrets even though it was "just" a ONS -- you guys know how much its not "just" anything. Three and a half years later I am healed and moved on and feeling good about me and where my life is going.

Good to "see" you guys!


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
poopylala
♀ Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, January 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PLT, YAY!! I'm so sorry it happened but I am so SO proud of how you are handling it!!

I think some dreams have a shorter life span than we want so it's definitely something to mourn and grieve.

Congrats on beginning year 2 and girl, you are not just marketable.. You are AWESOME! Enjoy whatever makes YOU happy and it sounds like you are in a good place and are heading in the right direction.


BGF (me)- 24
FWBF (him)- 24
in a LTR

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
phoenixrivers
♂ Member
Member # 38314
Default  Posted: 1:31 AM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Re: alcohol and ONS. My WP is a "happy hour" addict, loves her drinking buddies from work and is a regular at the local watering hole down the block from the job. That's where she me her OM. Yes, I understand that some men get waylaid by an aggressive woman while they're drinking. My question to them would be, "What were you doing in that atmosphere in the first place?" and "What did you expect to find in a place like that?". Alcohol is no excuse. Being drunk is no excuse. Losing perspective, having no sense of propriety and being out of touch with the core of who you are is why people stray, not because they've been drinking. Drinking is a symptom of all of the above.


Me: xBetrayedBF (xBBF)
Her: xWaywardGF (xWGF)
TT: 12/21/12
Splitsville: 1/6/13
DDay: 7/20/13
In active reconcilliation
"Nobody knows anybody...not that well." Tom Reagan, "Miller's Crossing"

Posts: 133 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New Orleans, LA
wanttomoveon
♀ New Member
Member # 38548
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just joined today...put my story out there earlier today. For my husband it was a ONS but for me the images keep rearing there ugly head..I do not know many details. He says he does not remember much. Do I ask for whatever he can give me? Or will that make it worse. I already know her name and what she looks like so the images are somewhat clear in that sense. I keep imaging this heated, ripping the cloths off event..I mean cloths just do not fall off!!!My husband keeps telling me that I am torturing myself over something that was a bad decision...a decision that if sober and he was not in a bad personal way of thinking (job issues/potentail layoff) would have never happened. I know people whose husbands have had full out long term affairs...how did they go on and I keep lingering on about something that has been termed the biggest mistake of his life.

Posts: 17 | Registered: Feb 2013
Nothingspecial
♀ Member
Member # 38387
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My D-day was 1st jan 2013 (story's on my profile) I too cant get the mind movies out of my head, WH waited a whole year to confess, I had no idea, he'd been struggling with the guilt , I had to know everything that happened conversations, positions, everything he said to her, it's so devastating, wish I could take a pill and unknow, I keep thinking there must be more to the story, someone had to fish, he makes it sound like she attacked him, he said they didn't kiss on the mouth , he's giving me a best case scenario if your going to be cheated on, I didn't buy her drinks, there was no chase, all I wanted was to use her phone, it all took me by surprise and I just didn't say no.


Me BS 35
WH 33
Married 10 years
3 amazing kids
OW, ONS
We were soul mates
Trying to Reconcile, it's not for pussy's.

Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: UK , living in Canada
poopylala
♀ Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wanttomoveon and Nothingspecial, I'm so sorry you find yourself here. ((((hugs))))

This particular thread seems to go up and down with activity so if you feel you're not getting what you need from here, feel free to PM any of us!!

Phoenixrivers, you're so right! Alcohol is never an excuse. I think maybe she needs to look into why she drinks so much? IC would be ideal but MC would be really great for y'all too. Of course you can't control what she does but you can tell her your bottom line and if it's that she stop going to those places, then you have to put your foot down and follow through with whatever consequence you feel is necessary.

Wanttomoveon, ultimately it's up to you to figure out what qualifies as "enough" information. For many, the unknown is just miserable because we make up our own mind movies. But as Nothingspecial said, you can't unknow what you learn. It's a delicate balance of figuring out what is enough information and what isn't. I didn't need to know all the details. I just needed to know the truth about what happened. Once I got the truth, I stopped searching and trying to unearth answers and began working on healing. That's what I needed but it varies by individual.

Nothingspecial, I just want to say I think you are something special. Your user name makes me a little sad Your dday is very recent and your gut is telling you there is something more. Listen to it. It's what tells you that you have enough information to satisfy yourself and understand what the heck happened. I think in your gut you know the story isn't as it was told. Yes there are definitely women who prey on men but ultimately there was consent (I'd assume) on his end as well. That's the ticket issue here that I think your gut is screaming at you to address.


BGF (me)- 24
FWBF (him)- 24
in a LTR

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
wanttomoveon
♀ New Member
Member # 38548
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, March 31st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread really is not very active...wish I had more people to talk to. Invade there is anyone out there.... Can you tell me if this is a good or bad idea....my WH had a ONS with co-worker....while seriously drunk at conference. He has no memory of most of the night. He told me about 3 months later. They had very limited contact after the ons during conference... Work related issues only. He has moved on.... She knows nothing about me finding out.... I am the only one suffering it seems. Yes he is remorseful , is trying hard, but I want her to know that I know. Should my husband tell her I know and tell her it was all a mistake and he barely remembers. Or do I let it go. I feel like my pride has been damaged. Am I being selfish? Do I just move on and heal?

Posts: 17 | Registered: Feb 2013
poopylala
♀ Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, April 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do you want her to know you know? What is there to gain from either of you contacting her?

That, I think, is the big question. If you attempt to contact her, it's like reinviting her into your lives with unforeseen consequences.

Maybe she does walk around with a silly notion that she is carrying this big, powerful secret when she isn't because you do know what happened. Maybe you want to tell her because it shows you aren't out of the loop or you aren't someone to be made a fool of anymore.

Whatever the reason, I think you need to figure out if you can live with not including her and only including you and H. That's just my opinion though.

I wish this thread isn't more active for yours and others' sakes but I hope you get the support you need otherwise in other threads.

((((hugs))))


BGF (me)- 24
FWBF (him)- 24
in a LTR

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
mysticpenguin
♀ Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, April 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't even know this thread existed!

As my signature says, I found out about a monthlong purely sexual fling my husband had with another woman, and then the rest of the truth came out -- one night stands and 'close calls' over the past year.

During this whole period I have felt horribly neglected and rejected (sexually -- he had sex with other women about 12-15x in 2012 based on my informed estimate and I think we had actual sex maybe 5x) which is really where my pain comes from -- the rejection, the knowing that he said yes to them (more actually -- he chased them!) but rejected me over...and over...and over. And, ya know, it hurts that he looked me in the eye and lied to me. It hurts that I encouraged him to "go have fun with the guys! I completely trust you!!" and I helped him get ready to go out and I made his protein drinks and put his snack bag together. I told him if his outfit looked okay, if he used too much cologne, how his hair looked. How do you ask your wife to do all that and then screw another woman while she's waiting patiently for you at home???

Obviously this is a fresh wound. I guess I just wanted to post here and say... I'm in this club!


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
Rapedfromylife
♀ New Member
Member # 38999
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ohh u poor thing.... I know the feeling except I found out via contracting an std that my husband got from a ons... Read my story and tell me what u think??? I'm so sorry to hear u going through this but I guess we r here to support one Another... :-(

Posts: 2 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Melbourne Australia
poopylala
♀ Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MP and RFML,

We're so sorry you find yourself in this place but we're glad you have a safe place to get help. This thread isn't very active anymore as most of us seem to have either ended up in D/NB or R.

First and foremost, are y'all in IC? MC? Those are ideal really to work through your own issues, trust issues and work on communication in a safe place with your S.


BGF (me)- 24
FWBF (him)- 24
in a LTR

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
mysticpenguin
♀ Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RFML - OMG, I am so so so sorry to read your story =( I read the whole thing, first word to the very last, and my heart just breaks for you... I'm not very long into this process but I really think you need to speak your mind, speak up for yourself, make yourself heard -- I think keeping anything inside, even though your husband did have an unfortunate side effect of extreme stress, is toxic and will bite you in one way or another further down the road.

PLT -- My husband & I are moving from FL to MA June 3rd (well, leaving the 1st or May 31st, arriving June 3) so I did make the decision to hold off on counseling until we get to MA... didn't seem too productive to start going here, start paying down our deductible for insurance, and then start all over in MA (we will have to switch health insurance providers). I have already read several books -- "After the Affair," "Intimacy After Infidelity," "Seven Conversations," "Five Love Languages," etc etc etc several times through and my WH is now going through them with me

I'm not sure what kind of a complex this is precisely (NPD, SA, Madonna-whore complex), but he does not actually enjoy the act of sexual intercourse. (I believe this completely.) He enjoys "the moment right before a girl capitulates" because "it's a huge ego stroke."

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 1:16 PM, April 19th (Friday)]


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
Rapedfromylife
♀ New Member
Member # 38999
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So how do I even begin my story when my life has just seemed to have been raped straight from me.... My happiness, my loyalty , my love, my family, my marriage..... Most of all MY VOWS...... This is my story.
Two weeks ago I went to the dr's to do a Pap test as I was due... And I was telling the dr for some time now I've been getting alot of pain in my pelvis region and alot of pain sometimes from having sexual intercourse with my husband. Now we r a very sexually active couple and atleast every week wld have sex minimum 5 times a week. We loved it, we enjoyed it. Anyway way the dr then said to me not for anything but did u want to get tested for std's etc I said really??? Wtf for?? I've been with my husband for 10yrs married for 4 yrs And have 2 amazing little girls.... The doc said to me" u wld be surprised.... So I shrugged my shoulders and said well ok. So she did. A week later I went back for my results and that's the moment I was raped from my amazing and happily married life..... I got told I was tested positive for std (chalymdia)
Which can only happen through sexual intercourse.... I knew I've never been with anyone so how??? How and when?? I worked out with my dr that I remember having another test done once again due to my pain 2 yrs prior and it was negative and we confirmed with those results it was so it narrowed it down for me that he cheated on me within the last two yrs.
how do I explain the feeling of finding out this way..... I can't .... I picked up my results and went home and waited for him to come home from wrk and said we need to talk... Put the kids to bed and I asked him.... "In the last two yrs who have u "fucked" he had this shocked look in his face an said babe r u kidding? No one and I repeated myself a few times and got the same answer.. I then broke down and said to him u look me in the eye in our hse and lie to my face.... I threw the results in his face. He said what's this? I said thanks to the wonderful world of dr's whoever u fucked I hope was worth ur marriage.... U put my health at risk u put my life at risk u gave me An std..... I broke down so much and he cried and cried and cried and cried..... I saw it in his eyes.... When I say to u we were happy...no.... Not I was happy... WE REALLY WERE HAPPY. At that moment in our lives we were so content.... I as his wife made sure tht in 10 yrs had always pleased him in the bedroom and not because I had too but because I wanted too an to keep our marriage and life always alive and have that spark in it. I think I've only refused him from sex about a dozen times in 10 yrs.... We both always enjoyed it an he always got so turned on. I wasn't ur average wife and mother... I'm 29yrs and his 35yrs old.... I always made sure he was happy and that we were ok. So then WHY???? Why me? He couldn't confess and kept refusing me.... Saying he didnt do it when he was in denial and about to lose his whole family and amazing life. I confronted my best friend about this and she spoke to me Nd spoke to him. He broke down severely to her and confessed to her what happened and she said ur wife deserves to know the truth.... That's the least u cld do. " he was terrified in losing us" terrified and so ashamed at what happened and how I was to find out!!! He came home in so many tears and walked in the room and said u ask me anything and I will answer it for you...... Anything!!!!!
I asked "when" he replied last year at his brother party! Who is 24yrs old and his 35.... I clearly remember that nte.... I went out with the girls to a fashion gala and he went out with his step brother and their friends!! I asked "who" he said someone in the nightclub and didnt even know her name! I asked "where" and he broke down so ashamed and replied with "in the nightclub" I was having Heart failure, I couldn't believe my eyes.... I said tell me what happened..... Very calmly.... The club they went to was a club filled with kids aged no older than 24yrs old. A club where everyone were off there faces on drugs and loud dance music.... He admitted he smoked alot of ice that night which i was shocked... along with I think speed and took a pill .... He was high... They all were... He told me they went into some back room and that was it. He cried so much, so much as he was so ashamed and disgusted in himself...I couldn't talk to him or face him.... " I did however finish off saying to him " I hope that nte was worth ur marriage" how u could be sooooo selfish, how u think u cld be 20 yrs old again , I said ur a grown man with kids and looking at u right now I see a dirty old man filled with filth and walked out. He cried so much because he had said he didn't want me to know as he just wanted to forget what happened .... He kept coming home to such a perfect life and perfect wife and sexual life that he had no reason to do what he did ... But he did. He said I couldn't even pick her out if she was standing infront of me.... He can't remember much at all but he does remember doing what he should not have done. Since then these last two weeks have been my worst nightmare......
What does one do in this situation ??? Help me.... He hasn't stopped trying to do anything in his power to sort himself out first . He went to the church where we married Nd confessed to our priest to forgive him of what he did..... And swore on his life and ours that had ever been the only time it's happened .... How do i trust how do I forgive.... He has beaten himself up over this that bad as I've NEVER SEEN HIM like this so sorry and willing to do anything in the world to fix it. He asked me I we cld go counseling I said no.... He asked if I cld just. Talk to our priest I said no. He asked and begged plz I will do anything... Anything at all to take back that nte.... I said u have broken me.... U have taken away the one day in a woman's life the one perfect day she dreams of since a little girl and raped me from my happiness. Our wedding " I dnt want it to exist in my life.... I want it gone I want it removed and he said nooooo plzzzz he will do anything.... He was so sorry and so stressed out. In 10 yrs I've never seen him like this. He confronted his best mate about this all and that was something I never thought he wld ever do. But he did. His been crying his eyes out. Saying how he cld have done this to such a perfect wife mother as marriage. He had nothing to complain about. I wldnt say I'm ungly ... I get alot of attention when i go out with the girls but u don't see me getting f'd up on drugs and screwing someone in a club and giving my lover an std....
His best mate approached me Nd actually said his scared of Vic and what he might do.... His never seen him like this. EVER. I said well what can I do.....
Anyway on that Friday afternoon I was in my way Hme from wrk to pick up the kids from my mums when I recieved the phonecall that changed my life..... My next door Neighbour rang me in hysterics crying saying " quick quick go to the hospital ur husband ur husband something has happened..... I think his had a stroke.... I dropped the phone took the kids back out of the car at my mums hse And flew to that hospital ... I cried and cried and cried because all I kept thinking about was the stress he had put himself through over what he had dne to me..... I then felt guilty and cried so much because for two week I ignored him for two weeks I was damaged and ready to leave. For two weeks I was looking at him like filth... But at that moment when they rolled him out of the ambulance and he couldn't talk move respond or do anything it all changed...... I cried so much and kept trying to tell him I love him to plz wake up and look at me.... Nothing... This was caused due to him not sleeping or eating.... Due to him not giving up in his wife And kids..... Because of the stress he had put himself through he ended up have a seizure on his way home from wrk as he just turned into our street at home. The neighbors out the front found him...... At that moment nothing else existed but the love I have for him...... He slowly started to wake up and then the dr said I cld go in .... So I did Nd I just cried and cried he looked at me an tears could not stop coming out from his eyes.... The dr asked if everything was ok....
I said to my husband ssshhhhh don't think about that.... U get urself better.... He started to cry. He had a sever seizure and concussion to his head that he ended up forgetting alot of things..... But this what happened with us he didnt forget. I cried and cried on him and said plz just get better. Plz " and I said it "I love you so much" and he just looked at me and tears were just rolling down his face. His life flashed before him and scared him so much.... He said to me while laying down. His has given me a second chance in life to do right by u and our family... I promise u I will fight until the very end to hold into what we have that is so amazing... I promise u I will fix this, I promise u I will be ur husband the way I should have been. I cried and hugged him. I said to not worry and to get urself better. He hasn't handled stress very well and in the 10 yrs I've been with him this is the first time where I noticed a change..... So it's been 4 days since it happened and I keep saying not to worry and to just get urself better. I'm scared its going to happen again. I've put all my hurt and pain aside and he knows it aswell. When we got into the car from the hospital to go home he broke down crying so badly saying I dnt deserve u.. Ur too amazing and I don't deserve u. What I have done can never be erased and seeing u when I woke up at the hospital .... U made my heart beat.. BEAT AGAIN..... Since then I've been close with him and he keeps saying "u can be angry with me it's ok plzzz my love..... Don't hold anything inside. BUT I am because I'm scared of something happening to him. It made me realise no matter what's happened my love for him is sooo dam strong and I do believe that he sincerely regrets what happened. And he wants to wrk at this and never stop. I just want to focus on him getting better but now as the days go in how do i do this.... The pain is so bad in my heart and still so fresh and raw.... The vision, the betrayal..... Should I stay with him and give him another go..... What does someone do in my situation .... Plz help me!!!!! :-(

Posts: 2 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Melbourne Australia
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RFML, first off, ((HUGS))!

This is a horrible shock and a horrible betrayal. I have such a huge amount of sympathy for what you're going through right now. Nobody deserves that.

After my H confessed his ONS (actually, before and after), he had a plethora of physical problems. Nothing as dramatic as what happened to your H, but he was on a bunch of medication, had several procedures done including a colonoscopy, and was severely stressed out. To the point that I put my own healing on hold to help him.

The problem with that, and the problem with the kind of shame that your H is feeling, is that it cannot go on forever. Eventually people get tired of beating themselves up and calling themselves an asshole, and they want to move forward. But they haven't made the positive changes that they need to make in order to become safe, healthy partners. They still have shit boundaries and/or shit coping skills. So they stuff these bad feelings down in a box and then look for ways to make themselves feel better. And at that point they sure as hell don't want to hear your pain, because they are done with beating themselves up.

That's how I ended up with D-Day 2 and almost divorced.

I understand that your H feels terrible about what he did, but wallowing in shame and self-loathing is not going to help either one of you. He needs to translate his negative feelings into positive action to change whatever was wrong inside him that let him do this. I understand he was high. My H was drunk out of his mind when he committed his ONS. So why did he let himself get so out of control? He needs to take a HARD look at himself. He needs to get into individual counseling.

I would suggest you also get into individual counseling. Focus on yourself, work on YOU. It sounds like you worked so very hard to try to keep your husband happy. You have to understand that what he did has NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with him. I know you say you want to focus on him getting better, but you cannot do that for him. You really have GOT to focus on you. Don't put your pain on the back burner. He has to fix himself. You cannot do that for him, hard as it is to accept.

I personally think IC for both parties is more important than MC - at least for us that is what helped.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. NOBODY deserves this shit.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6168 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
boom2003
♀ New Member
Member # 40175
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi! I've been lurking for months and haven't had the courage to post yet but I would really like to see more action on this particular thread. I know that there are a lot of out there and I am really looking for more perspectives on ONS and dealing with it.

DDay was January 24th, in therapy. I had NO idea what was coming. WH gave oral to a ONS at a conference (which NEVER happened at our house, btw)and she gave him a hand job. I got suspicious when he was acting weird months after the fact. She had texted him in Nov. and he got really noodgy and weird so I started snooping.

WH is super remorseful, however, 8 months into this I just don't know if this is a deal breaker for me and I am leaning toward it being. Sucks. We're both in therapy separately. I feel the best I ever have in my entire life (Lexapro, tyvm) except for this shit. We're both starting businesses and luckily, I distract myself a lot more now than I could before but the movies and jealousy and betrayal are still in heavy doses.

Anyone else wanna talk? Tell me it'll get better? Worse?

Thanks for reading and I'll listen to ANYTHING you have to say on the subject. :)


Posts: 5 | Registered: Aug 2013
Hopefulinva
♀ New Member
Member # 40348
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Finally I feel like I'm not all alone here! I have read a lot of these stories and it breaks my heart for the people having to deal with on going affairs and such.

Im glad I dug further to find thread that matches and relates to my situation more. My husband had a ons a few weeks ago and I found out right away.

I have been beginning to feel like I didn't have the "right" to feel the way I do because my story doesn't seem nearly as bad as all the rest of the stories in the other forums.

Maybe because it was a ons and not an ongoing deal I find it easier for me to work through. We are only a few weeks out, but husband and I are in a good place with a long road ahead.


BW: me 33
FWH: him 34
Married 15 years
2 DD 14, 10
ONS stranger from the bar 7/26/13
Dday 7/29/13
Fully committed and immersed In recovering what we lost along the way.

Posts: 23 | Registered: Aug 2013
wanttomoveon
♀ New Member
Member # 38548
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi hopefulinva,
Hi there... I feel for you... I am 7 months out from d-day. My husband also had a ONS at a conference in Late 2012 and guilt drove him to tell me in early January. He was in a bad state...was having serious job issues( somewhat on the verge of being downsized ) and was drowning his sorrows at the bar... Shall I go on?? To this day he is not 100 % positive as to the events of the night. One minute in the bar , the next minute waking up in an unfamiliar room. I know people say there is no way someone can not remember, but After 18 years of marriage I know he Black's out and does really stupid stuff.... But this topped the list.

I will say to you it goes get better. The roller coaster ride has slowed, the triggers are less and are mAnaged. I will say this also....we are closer than ever ..... Really . The issue was not just the job... The issues were also within our relationship . Again, not justifying anything ... Just saying that sometimes this can be a real wake up call. Just an example of how our relationship was.... Sex really became a choir. After working 45 hours a week, dealing with 2 children, choirs, bills... Just stuff. I was barely ever in the mood... I actually on occasion told him to get a girlfriend. Did I mean it? No.... But I look back at this... What I said to my husband... I feel sick that I could treat someone like that. We had the long talk about what we both really need in this relationship. I need help with daily choirs and to feel appreciated and he needed to feel loved and wAnted and he didnt want sex to be just a duty. Not too much to ask. The person he was with meant nothing to him. She just happened to be there and she is basically known as the company bar fly...she is always up for a drink and likes to talk up the men and mAke them feel better....stroke the ego I guess. I hAve learned to stop hating her so much because she could hAve been anyone. I do look at the other posts and feel like my situation was not that bad, but I still would hAve preferred it never happened. But, if it never hAppened would we have been another statistic in a couple years? I guess this is the way we look at it.... We can not chAnge what happened, we need to decide what we want, and we need to move forward together. Some days are easier thAn others... But I hAve found out that it is not good to bottle your emotions or thoughts... Let them out.... Let him know how bad the hurt was/is. Our understanding is that there is no drinking at conferences at all. Even though he really never drank before.... All it took was one time for a stupid decision to change our lives forever... Because that is the sad part...we will move on from here but it will always be there... How can you really ever forget. Forgiveness...not there yet.... Hopefully soon.


Posts: 17 | Registered: Feb 2013
Hopefulinva
♀ New Member
Member # 40348
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi wantomoveon

Reading your snippet was basically reading my own story.

My husband has to travel a lot..... Military so there is no option to just have him stay home and watch. We are basically forced into trying to trust.

My husbands ons didn't mean anything either. He's away for school, got to drunk and liked the attention that someone was paying him. Granted he told stories about his life that were basically true, but didn't include me or my 2 girls, but he was enamoured with the attention she was giving him.

He felt guilty immediately, as in he says he thought of me and what he was doing, combine that with uhm shall we say over indulgence in alcohol, it didn't last long and he couldn't perform persay.

He remembers almost everything, there are a few details he doesn't recall. I do know that within the hour of coming back to his hotel room she was gone.

I actually found out a couple days after it happened from her. She wa deceived as well with his tall tales which made her check into his phone number which is in my name. He gave her a different first name, but same last name. Which brought her to me. I'm almost 100% certain I got the full disclosure within the next 24 hours.

I too had to take a step back and look at our marriage. For the last 3 weeks he's been completely and utterly remorseful. I bring up my part in all this and he gets flustered with me because he accepts full responsibility. I am in no way blaming myself, but I wouldn't be honest with me or him if I didn't realize that even I had some part in his need for attention.

We are in a very good and happy place right now, we have done a lot of soul searching both together and separately (still in training and away) and I don't know how to feel about tht. On one hand I thought it would take forever and a day to be able to forgive and work on trust, but it's coming so quickly and naturally. Kinda scary!

He is completely understanding in my down moments, and wants to help me anyway he can. He knows that what he's done almost cost him everything.

I asked him if he would have ever told me. He said he didn't inted too, but he didn't know how he could look me in e eyes and lie when he came home. I honestly think its best that i found out the way I did, because it gave me time (about a week) to process my feelings and our first face to face wouldn't be detrimental. I would probably feel a lot differently if I did find out from him face to face.

In the past 3 weeks we have done something we really haven't done in gosh I don't know a year, 2, maybe 10? But we talked. About anything and everything. We have been talking and reconnecting pretty much non stop. We both forgot what it was like to be real married people. Not just two people married who live in the same house. We are finding out all over again what it is truly like to be in love and not just loved.

We have vowed to continue to be open and honest about everything. He will answer my questions for as long as it takes, and I am very optimistic that this too will someday be a small, but significant bump down our road of life.


BW: me 33
FWH: him 34
Married 15 years
2 DD 14, 10
ONS stranger from the bar 7/26/13
Dday 7/29/13
Fully committed and immersed In recovering what we lost along the way.

Posts: 23 | Registered: Aug 2013
wanttomoveon
♀ New Member
Member # 38548
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is great to hear. I especially agree with the learning how to be a married couple again. We are doing the same thing. We talk more openly , we laugh more, tease more, we go on dates and Actually talk over dinner about future "stuff" and not just about the kids.
My counselor shared with me numerous examples of other couples where the betrayal ran longer and deeper and those couples survived with a much stronger relationship. She also shared a thought that I thought was interesting... She said how would you have felt if your husband got drunk or did drugs and wrapped his cAr around a tree or killed someone in an accident.... This would have also been a result of a bad decision. Any bad decision has consequences... Some you can work through and some you can't. Yes I still hurt... Yes he is still remorseful and everyday regrets what he did...We have learned alot and now we move forward . I will honestly say this has tAken the better part of 4-6 months to get to so I am so happy for you that you have moved through it quicker than most... But please be careful because there will be days you fall apart a bit... But I Have found that when I hit a big dip... I feel it.. I cry... Yes I might yell a bit.... But when I start feeling better it lasts for a longer and longer period each time . One last item and I promise I will stop talking....even though this site is wonderful and it has helped me greatly.... Do not dwell too much... Sometimes others stories that do not compare to yours might bring you down. I try to look at the I can relate forum and look for updates to the ONS page... I feel these stories help me more. Ok... Take care and best wishes

Posts: 17 | Registered: Feb 2013
boom2003
♀ New Member
Member # 40175
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One last item and I promise I will stop talking....even though this site is wonderful and it has helped me greatly....

don't stop talking!! i think all of us need to hear MORE of the crap that you dealt with and that you actually overcame it! i think i speak for all of us when i say that the positive stories are few and far between and for me, at least, that's why i come here. to see that someone in my situation got through it and how they did.

So please, anything you want to share or think is helpful, please post.

i've only posted twice here so far (i've lurked and consumed everything everyone else was talking about for 9 months) but i've promised myself that once i get through this positively, i will post how i did it.


Posts: 5 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 969
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49

Return to Forum: I Can Relate Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.