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User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread - II
♀ New Member
Member # 41314
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also posted this in Just Found Out, hoping I can gain some perspective here too...

This is a long story; I apologize for ramblingÖI can barely get through a day without swinging between extremes of wanting to divorce him and then thinking about putting it behind us like it never happened. I also think ignorance would be blissÖwould be better off not knowing, he should have to spend the rest of his life living with the guilt.

My husband is an auditor and travels frequently; heís usually gone for at least a week or two each month. He went to South Carolina for an assignment three weeks ago and I thought it was a normal trip like any other; he did tell me he was going with his co-worker, Emily, who Iíve met before and didnít think anything of them traveling alone together. I hadnít the slightest idea she was interested in my husband since sheís 16 years younger than him and has a serious boyfriend.

This past Saturday, I ran into his managerís wife at the mall. We made small talk and out of the blue she said she had to hand it to meÖsheís not as secure as me, she would never let her husband share a room with a younger, female co-worker. I was baffled, had no idea what she was talking about and just laughed it off that we had a very strong marriage. I spent the rest of my mall trip thinking about it and when I got home, I took the kids to the neighborsí house to play so I could question him. I told him what his managerís wife said and his face dropped. He came clean that his company was severely cutting back on expenses and asked him and Emily if they would be OK with sharing a room for the audit engagement; he didnít tell me because he didnít want to make a big deal about it. I believed him and left it alone, but I had a nagging feeling about it. I questioned him again after I put the kids to bed, telling him I didnít feel right about it.

He broke down with his face in his hands; said he was very sorry, it meant nothing and he told Emily it couldnít happen again and it was a mistake, and he would do whatever it takes to make it up to me. I was stunned, felt like I had the wind knocked out of me, and couldnít believe what he was telling me. He was blubbering and I told him to slow down and start from the beginning and I wanted the entire truth and details.

He said the part about the company making them share a room was true and his manager and HR made a big deal about making sure it was OK with him and Emily. He didnít want to tell me because he knew how I would react and there was no way around it because he had to go. They went about work normally, had dinner with the clients and went back to the hotel. I believe him when he says he didnít have any sexual thoughts in mind and he didnít think she did either; he says she hadnít flirted with him at all. He said they both went about their night routines, got into the separate beds, the lights went out and they made small talk until it got quiet.

At this point, I thought he was going to have a seizure; he could barely find the words through his crying. He said he was half asleep on his side facing away from her, but could hear her moving around in her bed. He said all of a sudden she got into bed with him and when he turned around to face her, she kissed him and pressed up against him and he knew she was naked. He said he stopped thinking, got caught up in the moment, his clothes came off and they had sex in the dark. He said they did it again before falling asleep. He said he woke in the morning and she was back in her bed. He went into the shower to get ready for work and to clear his head (genius that he is, he didnít lock the bathroom door). She joined him in the shower and they had sex again. They got dressed and left for the clientís office without talking. He said the day went by without any awkwardness from her as if nothing had happened. Through his crying, he said they had sex three times that night and again in the shower the next morning before leaving for the airport. He said reality set in on the flight back; he was wracked with guilt and disgust of himself. When they landed, he told her it was a mistake and it would never happen again. She said she understood and it would be their secret. I was in shock, just couldnít process it. I couldnít look at him and told him that I would sleep in the guestroom that night.

I really owe it to his managerís wife, I never wouldíve found out otherwise. He came home and didnít seem different at all. I believe heís told me the complete truth and I can see that heís genuinely remorseful and scared of losing the kids and me. I just wish I could get inside his head to understand how he could have sex with this woman seven times. Heís tried to explain it as being in another city, in a strange hotel arrangement and having someone so much younger aggressively come onto him.

I just donít know if I can get past it. How can he come home and act perfectly normal? Iíve asked him if he enjoyed the sex and he refuses to answer, says he doesnít want to add more hurt, but I want to know. They didn't use protection so he's going to get tested; thankfully he had a vasectomy. He says they donít talk at work unless itís work related and that no one has a clue what happened. He says heíll find an excuse not to travel with her again.

I just donít know what to do. My mind is screaming divorce most of the time, but I also think about the life weíve built together and our kidsÖhow can I just throw it away without trying to fix it for them and then I think how he easily threw it away for cheap sex.

Iím just a mess.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: New York
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I know this.. If his story is true, that is the ultimate test for all men. Only a man with the highest morality would say NO to that sex. And these men are VERY rare.

He failed himself keeping a boundary... Never place yourself in a position where lust and temptations like that will overtake your thoughts and feelings.

This is going to take a long time to for you to get to peace. Accept this will be a process.

You are in the beginning of grief. Shock. Perhaps go read a few books about grief. This is real grief most likely none you have ever experienced.

Make him prove he is worthy of you now. Think before you speak. Saying nothing is better than saying something wrong.

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Secrets Kept
♀ Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jess...Wow, I am so mad for you right now at your husband that I am shaking.

Please verify his story. I know of no companies who would make people of the opposite sex share a hotel room.

So sorry you are here but you found the right place to help get thru this. And I hate so much to have to say that there is more to his story.

Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
2 sons together-28 & 23
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
WW with H#2 =BH-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 155 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
♂ New Member
Member # 41502
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am glad I found this thread. It seems the closest to my situations (are any of them really the same?).

In my case there were 2 ONS, roughly a year apart. Both involved massive amounts of alcohol. Both complete strangers.

Thanks for sharing your stories and support.

Married 12 years, together 14
BH 34
WW 35 (multiple ONS)
2 children, 8 and 10.
In MC. Trying to reconcile.

Posts: 49 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: missouri
♀ Member
Member # 40329
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Glad you found this forum. It runs hot and cold. Lots of posts for a week or two and then nothing for a while. Sometimes it's because posters have moved on to the R forum or another forum.

Feel free to post here, I do check it regularly in hopes of finding new wisdom somehow!

Sorry you're in the 'worst club ever'. But we're all here for each other!


D-Day 1 8/9/13 :: Discovered make-up on hotel sheets
Real D-day 8/10/13 :: Confirmed by his emails, he admitted when caught red handed
9/18/13 :: Finally answered questions, got truths to many details he lied about
D-Day 2 - 12/28/13 :: Confronted

Posts: 163 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest US
♀ Member
Member # 40329
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping for newbies.

It bums me out that this thread is so empty. There's a lot of need for support for the ONS topic. So for all the veterans out there, check in and let us know how you are getting along.

D-Day 1 8/9/13 :: Discovered make-up on hotel sheets
Real D-day 8/10/13 :: Confirmed by his emails, he admitted when caught red handed
9/18/13 :: Finally answered questions, got truths to many details he lied about
D-Day 2 - 12/28/13 :: Confronted

Posts: 163 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest US
♀ Member
Member # 41711
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in the ONS camp. Only 2 months out from DDay, so I have no great advice for anyone. Only sorry that anyone else is having to go through this hell!!

BS: 26, SAHM
WH: 29. Together 10yrs, married 5.5
2 small kids, pregnant with #3.
DDay 11/21/13 Husband had ONS Aug. 2013 while living across the country temporarily for work.

Posts: 68 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
♀ New Member
Member # 42188
Default  Posted: 4:38 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone just wanted to let you know my story and maybe hope some of you can give me some positive advice on trusting in future.
Nearly 18 months ago now my partner of 7 years and I were going through a really rough time. I began to question if I was in love with him anymore and had suspicions he was suffering from depression. I completely trusted him where other women were concerned and often encouraged him to go out with his friends as he was becoming a social recluse. On this occasion I had actually gone out of my way to text his best friends girlfriend and ask her to get her boyfriend to take him for a lads night as it may do him some good.
We swapped a couple of cold texts during the night and I suggested we may need some time apart. He didn't come home until 7am the next morning at which point I suspected he had done something out if character maybe drugs or gambling even a strip club but not once did it cross my mind he had been with someone else. Later that day he picked me up from my friends house and said we needed to talk. When we got home he sat down and told me he had slept with someone else. It was like someone had just shot me I thought I was going to be sick and left the house immediately. He followed me begging me to listen and at thus point in his sheer hysteria I actually realised I was still in love with him or it wouldn't have hurt that much. I also realised he was seriously ill his eyes were black and at one point he was having a breakdown.

We spent the night apart with separate friends and the next day I demanded answers. He informed me he was smashed on drink she had laid it on a plate he had no intention of sleeping with her him and his friend had been in a bar with her and she suggested they went back to hers for a drink. She had already kissed my oh at this point so why he was so stupid to think he could go back to get house and nothing was going to happen is something I will never understand. He said he went to the toilet and remembers being so drunk and tired he fell asleep on a bed and when he woke up she had gone upstairs and got into bed with him and they were basically having sex. He swore it lasted a few minutes until he realised he was screwing his life up send pushed get away. He went downstairs and woke his friend who had fell asleep on the sofa and they left immediately. His broke down and told his friend what he had done and he was going to tell me as he couldn't lie. His friend begged him not to tell me as he was also worried he would be in trouble with his own girlfriend although he had not cheated. His friends story totally match my OH in that it was very much her trying it on and my oh being too drunk and weak to say no.

I kicked him out our house and cancelled our wedding. He was diagnosed with PTSD from his army days depression and paranoia. He sought help for these problems and over time we began to re build our relationship. We are now engaged again and expecting our first child this summer. I love him to pieces and have forgiven him however since I've been pregnant I'm convinced he is going to do it again. He does everything to reassure me I have nothing to worry about but is going away on a stag do in a few months before the baby is due and I' can't seem to believe he won't do it again. Now I'm worried I'm so damaged by what's happened I won't ever be able to properly trust him or any other man again! I just can't seem to believe any of them can be capable of going out drinking and saying no if it's offered. It doesn't help my OH friends would do nothing to try and stop each other from hurting their wives or girlfriends. It's very much a turn a blind eye culture they have. I do take some comfort in the fact I cannot call him a liar though he find come clean to my face and I know he would tell me if anything ever did happen again but I don't think I would survive it. Any reassurances would be much appreciated!

Dd 20/10/2012
BS - me 26
WS -him 26
Together 9. Years
Kids - 1 due

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Edinburgh
♀ New Member
Member # 42825
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is me and my WH. He was 'drunk' in Vegas for work and paid for an encounter with OW. I'm still in shock, as this type of behavior seems so out of character. He would always condemn other men for doing this type of thing and yet now here he has gone and done it. It makes me really question if this is the only time, or if maybe there have been others. He says he would have told me, but he got caught because he used our credit card and since it was so much, the fraud protection kicked in and they called me to see if they should actually go ahead and pay the charges. By using our credit card, it seems like he almost wanted to get caught. I don't even know?! He's a very smart individual.

We had been in MC since the beginning of 2014, so things weren't going that well, but this, just puts the icing on the cake. I always thought I would be someone who would not tolerate this at all, who would just walk away, but I guess you never know how you will react, until you are in the position. Plus, we have a young son, I never dreamed that I might have to raise him on my own, or as a single woman.

Not making any quick decisions just yet and still processing many, many emotions.

Glad I found this thread for others experiencing ONS. It's hard to say if this is better or worse than a LTA, I don't think it really matters, it's different and it still stinks and is so very hurtful and devastating. The path of destruction is still made.

BS: Me (34yo)
WH: 36 yo
Together 6 years, married 3/20/10
D-Day 3/4/2014
Children-1 darling boy under 2 yo

Posts: 8 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Chicago, ILL
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