I also posted this in Just Found Out, hoping I can gain some perspective here too...
This is a long story; I apologize for ramblingÖI can barely get through a day without swinging between extremes of wanting to divorce him and then thinking about putting it behind us like it never happened. I also think ignorance would be blissÖwould be better off not knowing, he should have to spend the rest of his life living with the guilt.
My husband is an auditor and travels frequently; heís usually gone for at least a week or two each month. He went to South Carolina for an assignment three weeks ago and I thought it was a normal trip like any other; he did tell me he was going with his co-worker, Emily, who Iíve met before and didnít think anything of them traveling alone together. I hadnít the slightest idea she was interested in my husband since sheís 16 years younger than him and has a serious boyfriend.
This past Saturday, I ran into his managerís wife at the mall. We made small talk and out of the blue she said she had to hand it to meÖsheís not as secure as me, she would never let her husband share a room with a younger, female co-worker. I was baffled, had no idea what she was talking about and just laughed it off that we had a very strong marriage. I spent the rest of my mall trip thinking about it and when I got home, I took the kids to the neighborsí house to play so I could question him. I told him what his managerís wife said and his face dropped. He came clean that his company was severely cutting back on expenses and asked him and Emily if they would be OK with sharing a room for the audit engagement; he didnít tell me because he didnít want to make a big deal about it. I believed him and left it alone, but I had a nagging feeling about it. I questioned him again after I put the kids to bed, telling him I didnít feel right about it.
He broke down with his face in his hands; said he was very sorry, it meant nothing and he told Emily it couldnít happen again and it was a mistake, and he would do whatever it takes to make it up to me. I was stunned, felt like I had the wind knocked out of me, and couldnít believe what he was telling me. He was blubbering and I told him to slow down and start from the beginning and I wanted the entire truth and details.
He said the part about the company making them share a room was true and his manager and HR made a big deal about making sure it was OK with him and Emily. He didnít want to tell me because he knew how I would react and there was no way around it because he had to go. They went about work normally, had dinner with the clients and went back to the hotel. I believe him when he says he didnít have any sexual thoughts in mind and he didnít think she did either; he says she hadnít flirted with him at all. He said they both went about their night routines, got into the separate beds, the lights went out and they made small talk until it got quiet.
At this point, I thought he was going to have a seizure; he could barely find the words through his crying. He said he was half asleep on his side facing away from her, but could hear her moving around in her bed. He said all of a sudden she got into bed with him and when he turned around to face her, she kissed him and pressed up against him and he knew she was naked. He said he stopped thinking, got caught up in the moment, his clothes came off and they had sex in the dark. He said they did it again before falling asleep. He said he woke in the morning and she was back in her bed. He went into the shower to get ready for work and to clear his head (genius that he is, he didnít lock the bathroom door). She joined him in the shower and they had sex again. They got dressed and left for the clientís office without talking. He said the day went by without any awkwardness from her as if nothing had happened. Through his crying, he said they had sex three times that night and again in the shower the next morning before leaving for the airport. He said reality set in on the flight back; he was wracked with guilt and disgust of himself. When they landed, he told her it was a mistake and it would never happen again. She said she understood and it would be their secret. I was in shock, just couldnít process it. I couldnít look at him and told him that I would sleep in the guestroom that night.
I really owe it to his managerís wife, I never wouldíve found out otherwise. He came home and didnít seem different at all. I believe heís told me the complete truth and I can see that heís genuinely remorseful and scared of losing the kids and me. I just wish I could get inside his head to understand how he could have sex with this woman seven times. Heís tried to explain it as being in another city, in a strange hotel arrangement and having someone so much younger aggressively come onto him.
I just donít know if I can get past it. How can he come home and act perfectly normal? Iíve asked him if he enjoyed the sex and he refuses to answer, says he doesnít want to add more hurt, but I want to know. They didn't use protection so he's going to get tested; thankfully he had a vasectomy. He says they donít talk at work unless itís work related and that no one has a clue what happened. He says heíll find an excuse not to travel with her again.
I just donít know what to do. My mind is screaming divorce most of the time, but I also think about the life weíve built together and our kidsÖhow can I just throw it away without trying to fix it for them and then I think how he easily threw it away for cheap sex.
Iím just a mess.