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YIKES! Can't believe I'm posting this in R. Scared to be here, scared to not be here.

The last couple of months have been really difficult for us.

A new d-day: 'just' information that was withheld for a long time, information that I knew in my heart and I thought I was going crazy because he was trying to tell me otherwise, knowing that my instincts are very strong. I even got to the point where I told him that, if those were the real answers to these questions, I didn't understand why they kept popping into my head. I didn't understand why I was still asking. Now, I do. I learned from this that, above all else, I need to be able to trust myself. I'll never let anyone try to talk me out of my 'gut' instincts again. Ever. I know that I can trust ME over anyone else.

Shortly after that d-day, I received the call from the Dr. telling me that I did NOT have cervical cancer caused by HPV, as I had feared, due to Waywardson's condition, I had Herpes. Well, at least it's not cancer, right? Funny, the whole day before this happened, I had this 'impending sense of doom'. I was shaking, everything... Waywardson thought he had messed-up my radar, since he had no further pianos (that's what he says). He even started to wonder if something was wrong with my dad or Grandfather, but I said, "No. It doesn't feel like that. This is something that is going to directly impact ME." I hung up the phone with the Dr., feeling relieved, and said, "There it is. THERE'S the piano." The old radar works just fine.

Waywardson's surgery was scheduled for the next week and I just didn't have time, or space in my mind, to think about these other things. I had to prepare for the challenge ahead. His recovery has been difficult for us both, just in different ways. He had a massive area of skin removed which, as you can imagine, has been rather painful for him. As he was healing, I was keeping an eye on things and sent him back to the Dr. here this week because some of the areas appeared to be returning- AS he healed, this crap was coming back. So, it's not over. His Dr. here told him that he was willing to bet quite a bit that the specialist will be removing more on his follow-up visit Dec. 30th. I'm hoping THAT will be end of this particular battle.

For me, taking care of him so lovingly has been bittersweet. I wanted to do anything I could to ease his pain and make him more comfortable. It involved a LOT of cooking, laundry, and nursing. It has been disgusting, heartbreaking, strangely comforting (?? maybe not the right word), and painful for us both- Just in different ways.

Today, I sit here on my 42nd birthday in tears. The holidays are something I try to get through for DD now. His A started right before my birthday, three years ago. He bought everyone's Christmas presents, from the list I had written, with her.

I had a very honest talk with him last night about the way I'm feeling. I told him I didn't really want any gifts. He's already bought some of them... I'm just not 'feeling it'. Really, the way I feel right now is scary to me. I feel hollow, disheveled, and frightened on the inside.

The thought of being intimate- with him or anyone- makes me nauseous. I can't even go there in my mind.

I don't know the status of our relationship. He's trying. I know he loves me and I love him. I just don't know if the damage is too great. I just feel defeated. I don't want to feel defeated. I have a counselor set-up for the first of the year to help me with all of these things. I hope she can.

I know this has been all over the place, but if anyone can find something familiar to their story and help me out with some of these things, I sure would appreciate it.

[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 12:42 PM, December 10th (Thursday)]

Happy Birthday TIKY

I know he loves me and I love him

That is a start

(((IKY))) Happy birthday!!!!

I understand.

Taking care of my FWH/DH after numerous visits to a HOST of doctors & specialists - dermatologists (3), urologists (2), infectious disease (2), oncologist (1), family doctor (2), orthopedic surgeon (1) and NOW a neurologist!

Never ending parade of visits, tests, biopsies, "try this for 2 weeks and if it doesn't improve, come back", ad nausea.

All of these visits due to his ONS - sans the oncologist. ALL due to symptoms of whatever crap he picked up from his ONS. Never ending - now over 2 years out. STILL going on, STILL seeing doctors, STILL trying new creams, ointments, pills, sprays, injections, etc. NEVER ENDING reminders of what he did - and what it did to me/us. Somedays it just seems NEVER ENDING!!!!

He's now at over $75,000 in medical bills since his ONS - STILL no firm diagnosis, STILL no "fix" - other than a host of issues - Herpes, skin conditions, penile biopsies, etc. (There are days that I'm just sick and tired of his "issues" and "symptoms". I just want them to END!)

I, too, was torn between feeling poorly for his discomfort - yet, at the same time - a part of me thinking it's his own damn fault. Consequence for his action/choice.

Those "negative", see no future days are few and far between, but they are still there. Yesterday was one for me.

If you have more positive days than negative ones, and if the timing of the negative ones becomes further and further apart (weeks vs. every day), then that's good. It's just life. You have good days, you have bad ones and many will be just so-so. Don't let discouragement become your side-kick.

And don't forget to be kind to yourself. YOU deserve that, too!

(((((((TIKY)))))))

Happy Birthday, girl!

It is my b-day, too, only you're younger!!

And we're going through our own cancer battle here, too.

It is hard, feeling torn between being who you are - nurturing, loving, giving - and trying to heal and not feel like you are betraying yourself by still fighting for the M. Its a hard battle.

I don't have a ton of wisdom, but lots of empathy.

Well I don't know if I can sort out your feelings but I can certainly understand why you have them.

You have been through so much and you have been so strong and you have been a loving wife and good person through all of this.

So I guess all I want to say is be good to yourself today. Happy Birthday to you. The world is a better place because you are in it!!!!

And all of this will get solved somehow, some way and it probably is not all going to be worked through today, so how about you throw the A crap in the dumpster for a day and just enjoy yourself. Treat yourself to something special even if it is just a few hours with a blanket or a special treat from the store or just allowing your mind to shut down and put the A on the back burner. Trust me, it doesn't go anywhere and it will all be there when you get back. So why not take a day for you.

Happy Birthday!

(((((((TIKI)))))))

No advice, just applause for the strength and love and generousity that you have so much of. Happy Birthday.

I hope this is not over the top... but I felt a tiny little victory for you when I pictured an OW who was desparate enough to go Christmas shopping for the people he really loves.

And I also agree... It's the most wonderful time of the year, right?!

Scared to be here, scared to not be here.

That's ok... do it scared. ((((hugs))))

Happy birthday, TIKY and JustWow!!

One day at a time, TIKY. But I'm thrilled to see you willing to post in this forum again. For Christmas, I wish you peace and serenity, even if for only 5 minutes a day.

TIKY, so good to hear from you and where you`re at.

You asked for people to share their similar feelings - much of what you`re feeling and have gone through rings bells. That TT is absolutely brutal - Wayward is right, it`s pianos being dropped on you constantly.

But what really rang a bell for me was when you wrote about your instinct. I, too, kept asking the SAME question for over a year and a half. His answer just didn`t make sense. I came home from the IC one evening after a long stretch of not talking much about it and said, I have to reopen the discussion - that ONE question is still haunting me. I feel like I don`t have the complete honest truth. He looked me in the eye with all sincerity and said, `What can I do or say to convince you that you`ve got the whole truth?' and within 20 minutes I'd managed to get to the REAL truth - and WOW. Talk about pianos falling.

But my instinct was talking to me - I'd even had a pain in my shoulder for nearly a year that no doctor could diagnose, and you know what? it went away that day. it had felt like someone constantly poking me in the back - that was my instinct.

So just wanted to share that - the power of the inner mind to know best.

I'm glad you're hanging in there, TIKY, until the path forward comes clearer. It's really brutal, I know. But I have an absolutely amazing IC/MC who has a very buddhist approach, and whenever I'm feeling stuck with my feelings or situation, she says 'just sit with it. Be curious about it. You'll find the way forward. It'll come to the surface'. Sometimes I want to scream at how long that sitting with it takes and how painful it can be, but she's right.

Try over the holidays to find some quiet time for YOU. A quiet walk. Sit on a bench overlooking something peaceful. Just be quiet, and sit with it. Really sit with it. Let your strong instincts talk to you. They know what you should be doing, but often they can't get to the surface for all the noise and confusion.

I wish you peace and calm over the holidays. Focus on you as much as WS and DD. Give that to yourself.

I Love Being 42. It is awesome. Happy birthday m'dear. ((((TIKY))))

Happy belated birthday to one of the smartest, strongest, and most gracious people I know: TIKY!

sorry I'm late...Happy birthday...I hope you did something nice for yourself...you deserve it.

coasterrider,

I read your response yesterday afternoon and it immediately had an impact on me. So, I just wrote this in a PM talking about things:

Well, I guess it was a couple of days ago that I posted in R about feeling really down and confused (I think I said I felt hollow, disheveled, and frightened on the inside), but that I knew that I love him. I had said something early on in the post about having strong instincts and I had learned to trust myself, above all. I went and checked on this post yesterday afternoon and someone had said that I should listen to my instincts. Just sit and listen to it. I couldn't really even reply to that because, at THAT moment, everything became very clear to me. I may not like the way things have gone over the last three years (and believe me, I don't!), but I AM supposed to be here. Healing this man and this M, this family, and myself. I know that, at my core. I just have to try to fight the urge to 'protect myself' from him. I have to stop fighting myself. That's why I've been so conflicted. So, I just sat here and smiled and thought, "OK. Well now, THIS frees me to do what I'm supposed to be doing.".

So, that's where I am today. Thanks!

Well happy belated birthday TIKY!

So, I just sat here and smiled and thought, "OK. Well now, THIS frees me to do what I'm supposed to be doing.".

That is wonderful to hear.

A belated happy birthday TIKY and JustWow. TIKY, I'm glad you're here. I know you are scared, but we're all here with you in R, holding your hand. (((TIKY)))